The Author's Desk

doesn't make sense...

2012-01-29T22:30:00.005-07:00

I'm very upset at myself right now. I'm very upset at someone else right now, too. So feel free to read this post or not. It's very much a vent.

Dear person,

Why do I miss you? Seriously. I have no reasons whatsoever to miss you. You lied to me, you used me, you threatened me, you abused me. The very idea of seeing you gives me feelings that range from anger to fear to pity for the way you are. But mostly I'm afraid. Why am I afraid? See reasons listed in the beginning of this paragraph.

How could you profess to care for me so much and then treat me the way that you did? Why on earth did I think for a second that you told me the truth? You told me that you loved me. What you showed wasn't love. You placed yourself in a position where you could use your knowledge of my life and our friendship to use me and to control me. You had power, and you enjoyed it.

It was easy to tell; I could feel it when we were together. When you came back into my life after almost a year away, you were different towards me. I was afraid to be alone with you. I was afraid to talk to you. I did anyway, but I never felt safe with you anymore.

My experience with you has set me back so far. I was already scared of any sort of relationship. Then, though, I wanted one. So I took a chance on you. Even you know I'm not a risk taker. You were the biggest risk of my life. Thank heavens I didn't rush in and play for the highest stakes; I'd be way worse off. What we had couldn't even be considered a relationship. It was an almost relationship. For me, though, it was a huge, huge risk, and let me tell you--the return wasn't worth it.

Now I'm to the point where I'm so frightened of a repeat experience that I don't even want to consider a relationship. Now, men are handsome, nice, and friends. There isn't an active desire for anything more than friendship. Even the friendships I have made have come about through extreme caution. It's as though I have to put every man through some sort of test before I can trust him. Perhaps that isn't a bad thing, but it isn't a very healthy thing. Then the second my feelings start to change, I look for ways to shut them down. I actively seek ways to turn romantic feelings back into plain old friendship. Why? Because I'm terrified. What happens if he is as good a liar as you are? Obviously I'm easily deceived, and maybe the next guy will actually follow through on his threats. I don't know, but maybe.

What am I supposed to do, though? I'm not very big. I can't run very fast. I'm not very strong. You made all of those things very apparent to me. Thanks for that; now I'm aware of my physical weakness compared to the opposite gender.

So tell me. Why do I miss you? I shouldn't miss you. Why is it so difficult for me to keep you out of my mind, and out of my dreams, and out of my heart? Why do I wish that things could be different? I don't understand this. I don't understand how I can be so frightened of you and at the same time want you around so badly.

I don't need you. Why do I think that I need you?

I'm faced with all of this evidence of how unkind and uncaring you were. It's as plain as the noon day sun on a cloudless day. Which is why I don't understand why I miss you. I don't understand it at all. I never thought I'd say this, but I would very much like to erase you completely from my life. After everything I gave you and all of the love I showed you, you just used it all to hurt me. I'm not saying I didn't do anything wrong at all. Right now I don't care very much about that though. I'm the one who walked away with the emotional and mental damage. You're the one who went to the girlfriend you forgot to tell me about and got comfort from her. How nice for you to have a back-up plan. Or was I your back-up plan?

Now I will say this: I don't hate you. I just wish I could go back to the day I met you and walk away. That would have been the smart thing to do. Looking back I can see how naive I was. From day one, you had me right where you could play your hand the best. You immediately had the advantage, for I didn't know the rules of the game. I didn't even know we were playing.

and the playlist grows...

2012-01-29T18:48:00.000-07:00

not so sure...

2012-01-28T22:58:00.004-07:00

I am a very small, rather insignificant part of this world. What I think and say probably don't matter much to anyone. Especially when it comes to questions about the great plan of life. It's been on my mind a lot lately, the Lord's plan. So many things make me wonder. Wondering about what God is doing is kind of pointless though. He's going to continue doing what He does no matter what my small objections or questions may be. Still, I ask. Rhetorically, of course. I don't expect an answer. Even though I'd like one.

I've been thinking a lot about how the world is today. How society is. The more I think, the more I realize that there are so many things that I don't know. That I don't understand.

I don't understand

...why some people have so much and most have so little.
...the lack of compassion in society.
...why there is so much pain and destruction.
...why people actually choose to hurt others.
...why people cheat and lie and steal and injure and kill.
...the thinking behind using other people or abusing other people.
...how a desire for power can cause an utter lack of humanity.
...the disregard for common courtesy and individual decency.
...why awful, ugly things are considered entertaining.

But the biggest thing I don't understand is why God lets someone hurt someone else. I don't understand it at all. Yes, I know about agency and that if God were to take away a person's agency He would be going against His own laws. If He did that, He would no longer be God. But it still bothers me that an all-powerful, omniscient being would stand by and let terrible things happen. As I've been thinking about it a lot, I can kind of understand the people who say, "I don't believe in God. If there were a God, bad things wouldn't happen. I can't believe in a God who would let so much suffering occur."

I'm not saying I don't believe in God. I've seen and learned and experienced too much to go back on that. I am saying that I can see their point. Even for me it's a hard thing to swallow.

It's probably wrong for me to be bothered. I know that the Lord allowed for an Atonement to provide healing for those who have been hurt or taken advantage of. It isn't just for the perpetrators. It's for the victims, too. But why are there victims at all? Again, back to agency. One of the main laws.

This all stemmed from a commercial I saw for a movie. The whole thing was just awful. There was destruction and violence and anger and pain. The world was literally falling apart. For a moment it was as though I saw the future on the screen. It terrified me, so much so that I started to cry.

Because isn't that what is going to happen? Wars and rumors of wars; secret combinations and not so secret ones; fires and earthquakes and storms and droughts; illnesses; pain and suffering everywhere. It is happening, right now, all over the world. And it scares me to death. People are being hurt everywhere. More people are going to get hurt. And I hate that. I hate it so much that it makes me want to yell at God like I would yell at my dad if he weren't stopping someone from hurting my sister. WHY?! I want to scream. Don't you even CARE?! You say that you do. Prove it!

But who am I to do that? It's wrong to be angry with God. After all, He does know what He is doing. I may not understand what it is right now, but it will all be made right. He's promised it will be. It just frightens me and it makes me so angry that people get hurt, people who have no control over their situations and are just written off as "collateral damage".

I fear for the future of the world. It's the opposite of faith, I know. It's something I'm trying to become better at. Right now I'm just being honest. I mean...I'm going to have to raise my kids in the future. What is it going to be like? How will I answer their questions and prepare them for things I don't even know about yet? The world moves so fast now and changes so quickly; I'll be learning right along with them. How will I know what to do for them and how to teach them?

I want to be a good part of this world. I want to help those around me. I want to be good and faithful and valiant. I want to be strong for my family and my friends and my future family. I don't want to be afraid--but I am.

2012-01-27T19:55:00.003-07:00

I miss you so much.

noticed lately...

2012-01-27T16:35:00.006-07:00

Sometimes I wake myself up because I've stopped breathing in my sleep.

The speakers hanging from the wall in my choir classroom are installed upside down.

I don't like eating food that has been stored in a lunchbox. Maybe a little germaphobic.

Rules in society seem to fall under the pirate code: "They're more like guidelines, instead of actual rules."

White socks with black shoes look really funny. Case in point, what I wore today...ugh.

A surprising amount of people do not bring a writing utensil with them to class. Um...last time I checked, we were in college. I'm checking again...we're still in college. Right? Chances are, you're going to need a writing utensil. Preferably one that isn't mine.

If I get to bed before 11:30pm, I either don't dream or the dreams aren't too bad. If it's after 12:00am, I dream a LOT and they usually aren't happy.

It bugs me when people eat sandwiches/hamburgers/other kind of food like that in a straight across, or "normal", fashion. Why? I eat mine in circles. All of the rest of you are weird. And when I say all, I mean all because obviously I'm not the weird one for being the only person to eat a sandwich in a circle. Sheesh!

Pizza never sounds appetizing on a Wednesday.

Why is it that pants never fit right in the waist? There's always extra fabric that just sits there with no purpose other than to look funny. Everywhere else fits fine. Just not the waist.

When I wear my "motorcycle" boots I feel super confident.

Every time I see a girl with a black eye I get really worried.

Five minutes is a really, really long time if you're watching the clock.

The five categories of men I've encountered at BYU:
1. Married guys = normal friends and/or professors
2. Guys in relationships = cautious friends
3. Single guys = completely ignore me (again, completely)
4. Gay guys = instant and most dramatic friends
5. High school guys visiting for conferences = only guys who show any interest at all

in 800 words or less...

2012-01-24T21:27:00.005-07:00

My junior high, high school, and "college prep" days of UVU did not prepare me for this little beast I am now facing. It's called The Research Paper in 800 Words or Less. In this case, it must be done in 700 to 800 words. The word count made many in my English class rejoice. I, however, am close to tearing my hair out due to the length of the paper. Why?

800 words is NOT ENOUGH.

I have never had to write a short research paper. They've always been 8 pages or more, which is way more than 800 words. 800 words double spaced is about two and a half pages, including all of the ~~mumbo jumbo~~ formatting at the top that MLA format requires. I mean, most of my blog posts are in the 600-700 word range! Grrr. Beastly thing.

In short (haha), this is very difficult for me. Finding a topic and narrowing it down to the required specificity has been such a huge mountain to climb for me because I don't research in specifics. Think National History Fair size: start with a broad topic, make it a tad bit narrower, and BAM. Enough information to make 1500-2500 words. This one...it's taken me three days to come up with an angle small enough, and even now I keep wanting to branch out and bring in more information. But that adds to the word count. Buh.

Call me Hermione, but yes. I'm Hermione. I've even got the hair to go with it.

look before you leap...

2012-01-24T00:52:00.005-07:00

I'm sitting here mentally kicking myself (and breaking a few ribs). "You couldn't leave well enough alone, could you?" the not so kind voice in my brain keeps saying. No, I couldn't. I never do. Why? Because, and I quote, I'm "too nice." Too nice, too helpful, too over enthusiastic, too grand in my thinking, too...you get the picture.

In the process of getting somewhere, I often forget that the actual process is indeed just that: a process. So I see these grand results in my imagination and get started on making that vision a reality. Then about halfway through the process, I realize, "Whoa...this is a lot bigger than I thought it was going to be..." By then I'm stuck though. No backing out, and not sure how to move forward.

See, oftentimes I don't think. I get myself into trouble with forming relationships (friendships, seeing as I've never had a romantic relationship), carrying out projects, and other various situations because I forget that there is always a mean to an end. This has happened a lot today. The term "look before you leap" is more like "you leaped and now you're stuck looking over your shoulder thinking 'shoot...I should have thought about this a little bit.'"

I should know better. Here's why: Once upon a time I was shown an absolutely terrifying video in a church lesson. A boy was standing on the edge of a dock jutting out into a pond. The water looked fine, greenish and calm like most ponds do. He jumped into the water with a huge splash. Cut to underwater camera shots of dark, murky, weed ridden and garbage infested horror as the boy got caught in the tangled mess below the surface.

And people wonder why I won't go into a pond, a lake, a river, or the ocean if it comes up past my knees...

The message of the video was that of the old saying "look before you leap". I was always confused by this because there were several camera shots showing the water's surface. It looked totally clear. You can't always see what's hiding in a pond, you know. Who knows what could be lurking in there? But I did get the message.

Though I remember the message, I don't apply it well to things that are not body of water related. Like, for example, real life. I keep jumping into things without examining the possible outcomes. I'm not saying I take huge risks, but I don't think. "Look before you leap" doesn't seem to have made it as a retrievable entry in the "command" section of my brain. Instead, I jump in head first and only after I'm at the bottom of the pond do I realize...maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

I guess I'm more of a leaper than a looker. Funny...I can't even swim.

be exceptional...be complete...

2012-01-22T03:11:00.001-07:00

Lately I've been thinking about what it means to be exceptional, to make a difference, to impact the world in some way. Not necessarily on a grand, global scale, but exceptional enough to change something. Perhaps even exceptional enough to change myself, for personal change is no easy thing. I find this to be truer every day.

Some may say that because "everyone is special", no one is special. "Being special" may be seen as the status quot: you're not special because everyone else is and you're only special if you stand out. We sure don't treat everyone like they're special. If that's the way that we saw one another, wouldn't it solve a lot of problems? If when you look at another person, you see someone special instead of someone average--how would that change the world?

2nd Peter 1:3-4 say "According to his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue: Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world..."

Doctrine and Covenants 18:10 reminds that each person, each soul, is important to God, commanding us to "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God."

What if we treated everyone with the belief that inside of them is the incredible? Not just the potential: the incredible, the exceptional, the divine nature is already there. Our world is so set on seeing the flaws and faults and imperfections that the true worth of each individual soul has been forgotten in a tide of false perfection. The Lord says, "be ye therefore perfect". Do you know what perfect means in the Hebrew translation? Perfect: whole, complete, finished. That means something different than flawless.

We're not going to be perfect in this life. We're going to make mistakes. We're going to see people not as they really are. We're going to see ourselves differently, too. But--to become finished and complete--one must work at it. Really work at it, involving the Lord as much as possible in everything. That isn't to say let Him tell you what to do. He won't always tell you what to do. Instead, ask for His advice. Ask for His help, His guidance, His strength and spirit to be with you.

How wonderful is it that God didn't leave us to ourselves? It is said that God no longer speaks to men, that He has forgotten us. Some even say that He gave up. He didn't do that though. I believe that God has instilled in everyone a desire to do something great. Why? Because as children of God, we share in His nature. Goodness, the desire to do good, comes from Him. Whether someone knows it or not, whether the desire is big, small, or hasn't come to conscious thought yet, it's in there.

I want to make a difference. I want to do something, to be something great. Whether that is an outstanding, earth shaking thing or a seemingly insignificant thing, I want to be incredible. Every person has incredible inside. It comes with being human. And someday, if we work hard enough and rely on the Savior and His grace to make up the difference, we will be complete.

up and coming...

2012-01-21T21:43:00.003-07:00

Every once in awhile you run across someone amazing. One of those someones in my life is the wonderful Sierra, or Sisi of Oh, Just Livin' the Dream! Seriously, she's pretty much one of the greatest women I've ever had the opportunity to meet. She's given me this blog award, the Liebster Award. Can I just say that this really does mean a lot to me? So thank you, Sierra dear. You made my day.

The Liebster Award is given to spotlight up-and-coming blogs with less than 200 followers.

So here's how it works now:
1. Link back to the person who awarded you.
2. Tell who your 5 favorite up and coming blogs are. (you can include the person who awarded you)
3. Post the award on your blog & pass it on!

The five I picked have been helfpul, funny, inspiring, and have helped me get to know these wonderful women better. I could have picked five more--seriously. These are the blogs I want to award tonight.

1. Brianna, my lovely choir chica sister at .Trust. Learn. Grow. Live.. This girl is amazing. She blogs about life in a way that is totally genuine and honest. She's been one of the most influential people in my life.

2. Lindsey, spunky lover of all things photography. She takes brilliant pictures and has such a fun way of sharing her work and her life. Check out her space, the wonderfully designed wold of Lindzena.

3. In My Own Little Corner, or in her corner you will find the glamorous Jazara. Her stories of personal discovery and the cuteness of her relationship with her hubby are funny and inspiring. Something about Jazara just makes me want to be a better person. Every time I see her or read her writing, I can't help but feel loved.

4. Erin Day posts such interesting and insightful things. Oh the Awkwardness of Me... is a place where you will find stories of love, school work, family, friends, and all other things that make up this wonderful life. She's funny and real and so much fun.

5. And last but not least, I link back to Sisi at Oh, Just Livin' the Dream! I'll reiterate what I said before. This girl is amazing. It's interesting how often what she writes rings true for me as well. I love her mucho.

So, awarded peoples. It's your turn. Have fun, okay? :)

just a number...

2012-01-21T02:20:00.003-07:00

It is said that age is just a number. That weight is just a number. That income, grade point average, IQ, so many other measurements aren't really measurements at all. They're just numbers.

People cannot be measured in numbers. Can people be measured at all? Really...if everything about a person is "just a number", what does a person become? A number? What happened to the term "human being"?

This week I've been slipping. I've been feeling and thinking so many different things. I remember similar feelings and thoughts, ones I hoped to never revisit. They're not fun. They're painful and lonely. Remembering those things has brought me to remember the "treatment" I went through. It works for a lot of people: the doctor visits, the medications, the therapy sessions. For some, maybe most, those things change lives. For me, those things didn't work. I don't know if it's because I was (and am) a very stubborn person who very much dislikes taking pills and talking to strangers about my deep struggles or what, but for me it didn't do much good. It did some, I'll admit. Just not as much as it does for others.

I hated feeling the affects of a drug on my mental and emotional make up. I could feel myself changing, but it wasn't true change. After a year and a half of medications and therapists I felt a difference only in this way: everything was completely fake. My emotions and thoughts were completely...I don't even know how to describe it. It was like every time I was "happy", I was constantly aware that in the very, very back of my mind I really wasn't happy; that it was a chemical alteration that was causing my real emotions and thoughts to be twisted into an absolutely false optimism. I couldn't really be who I was. The real feeling, thinking me was barricaded behind a facade of pills and doctors telling me things were working. But for me, it wasn't working. That probably makes no sense, but it's just hard to explain.

The therapists were the real kicker though. I sat in an office with a stranger for an hour every week. When you didn't want to be there at all and were taken by force, that hour seemed like a lifetime. And then when the therapist told you more than once that if you really believed in Christ--if you were really following the commandments--you wouldn't be feeling the depression and fear that possessed you, that hour turned into eternity. Then it made me feel even worse about myself, that not only was I a bad person for feeling the way that I did, but that I was also a bad person because if I really had faith I'd be happy. No Faith = Bad Person = No Happiness. Bad equation.

Those people were trying to help me. But they couldn't help me, really. I felt that to them, I was a bunch of numbers on a piece of white paper. I was weight, height, age, gender, class, "on a scale of 1 to 10" selections, yes, no, "do you", "don't you". I still feel that way, which is why I fight this so hard on my own.

I stopped taking medications a year ago. I stopped talking to doctors and therapists. This past year was actually the happiest year of my life. There were some really, really hard days and even weeks, but I came out on top. Right now I'm sliding back into old patterns of thought and behavior. I don't want to be like that. That's why I'm trying so hard. I don't know why it's so hard to talk though--usually people can't get me to shut up.

I don't want to go back to being a number. I don't want to go back to the fake, awful feelings and thoughts I had, the feeling of being trapped and unable to express how things were really working inside. I don't want my happiness to be measured out in milligrams and be put into orange containers with white, child-proof (and sometimes me-proof) lids. I don't want to go back to smiling professionals who waved away my expressions of concern about what I felt was happening. That happened a lot.

From this, you could say that I'm a control freak. I suppose I am. I'm an "I control myself" freak. I don't like outside sources stepping in and taking over. To me it is so very important to work as hard as I can on my own. All of this has taught me many ways to handle the depression and anxiety (admittedly they're not working so well right now). I've come so far on my own in the past two years. Why? Because I put the Lord first (finally figured that one out) and asked Him to help me do this without the pills and therapy sessions. To Christ, you are never a number. Ever. You're always, always, always His lamb, and He is always your Shepherd.

I don't want to be "just a number". I don't want to be a piece of categorical data. I don't want to be a quantitative measure. I am a child of GOD (wow...writing that feels good). He knows me. He knows you. Who but He can help? The master physician, the greatest listener, the best friend.

You are never a number to the Lord. Don't forget that.

why is it so hard to do...

2012-01-19T21:48:00.002-07:00

.

You should know--please believe me--I've picked up the phone a thousand times and tried to dial your number...it's never easy. It's like trying to spin the world the other way.

What can I say?

.

kaboom...

2012-01-18T23:29:00.004-07:00

I'm the kind of person who can't keep her own secrets. I can keep other people's, but never my own. Why? I have to talk to someone about what's going on inside my head. The bad things about that are:

...what happens when you can't find any words?
...who do you go to when you don't know what to say?
...how do you call someone when you're too afraid to dial--after all, what if they actually pick up?

I'll try what my English teacher suggests: word vomit, meaning writing every word that comes to mind to eventually get to the main idea.

I'm upset because
...every time I finally feel comfortable somewhere, everything changes and I have to start all over again.
...I hate the helpless feeling I get when I hear my sisters talk about their friend who killed himself last week, and I hate the fear I feel when they don't talk but you can see all over their faces what they're thinking about.
...there's too much to learn and not enough time to become good at everything.
...people are thoughtless. I am, too.
...I'm so awkward, and I feel like people don't think I'm being sincere when I really and truly am.
...being in pain for a week and a half is not easy to live with (it makes me ache for the people who have to deal with it every single day of their lives).
...no matter what I do, I still look and feel the same.
...I'm suddenly faced with great uncertainty in where I stand at work, and I'm afraid to approach my boss and ask about it because I'm afraid of what she'll say.
...I cannot for the life of me find my paycheck (with my W2 in it that costs $10 to replace).
...no one has really hugged me in days, which is weird because I usually don't like to be touched.
...school is boring. It's kind of a let down, actually.
...I'm selfish. I don't know how to change it, either.
...I'm never going to be good enough.
...writing to my missionary friends is getting harder and harder to do, not because I can't make time, but because (once again) I don't know what to say.
...Molly is naughty on purpose to get attention. Irritating.
...things from my past keep coming to mind, things that hurt or frighten me or make me feel so ashamed of myself. All are things I thought I'd gotten over, but I can't let them go.
...my room is messy, my laundry isn't done, and my homework isn't finished. Each my fault. Each beyond my capacity to complete right now...or at least beyond desire.
...I really, really, really dislike being told how I think. How the heck should anybody know how I think? I don't care how many degrees you have. Do not tell me how I think about the world.
...I'm so afraid of people. I can't even talk to the people I trust because I'm afraid of them.

...explosion in progress...

*kaboom*

what starts like a scary tale...

2012-01-17T12:20:00.004-07:00

Nobody wants to be stuck in bed on their birthday. At least nobody that I know. Perhaps I cursed myself when I posted that I was soon to be a nobody due to the whole no longer a teen, not quite an adult line I included. And since I'm a nobody, that sentence can now be read as "Nobody WANTS to be stuck in bed on her birthday!!"

What was wrong? Oh, you know. The usual. There's been no progress whatsoever, and let me tell ya, the pain has been wonderful. If you don't catch my over-the-Internet sarcasm, I'll point it out to you. That was very sarcastic. So the day started out with me, my dogs, and my laptop in my bed as I studied and tried to keep up with all of the birthday wishes on my Facebook page. I got online and saw how many notifications I had and my first thought was, "What the crap? It's like it's my birthda...oh. Right." My phone was off the hook all day, too. That also made me feel really special.

Those birthday wishes made a huge difference in my day. It was SO. GREAT. to see how many people took the time to say hello. It made me feel a lot better, and it wasn't quite so lonely down there in my room writing essays. Then my visiting teacher brought over a giant rice crispy treat covered in chocolate frosting with sprinkles and a candle. Also made me feel super good, because she took the time to make me a birthday treat. And THEN Ann came over with Iron Man. Never seen it before...want to see it again. Brianna, get your homework done! :)

And then after that? Cafe Rio birthday dinner with Ann and the fam while we watched Silverado. I've been wanting to do that since I first saw the movie last year (I resisted it strongly whenever my family would watch it because I hate Westerns and they usually give me nightmares...but I can watch Iron Man no problem? I think I've grown up a little...). It was so great! I think I like Emmett the best of the four leading men. Jake drives me crazy. He is so very ADHD that he makes me nervous. Mal is awesome too, and Paden is a sweetheart, but something about Emmett just gets me. He's definitely someone I'd want on my side. All of them are, really. Jake just needs to stay at a safe distance from me until the shooting starts. Then he can come play.

And then? The Raddatzes came over to sing to me!! It was so great to see all of the kids again, and to see Brother and Sister Raddatz. They brought me a giant, and I mean GIANT birthday cake shaped like a cupcake. It was huge. I was so excited that I forgot to take a picture of it; I started slicing it and handing it out to people before I got my camera. Oops. It is a very, very good cake. I'm excited to have more today, haha! And they gave me a beautiful set of pearl bracelets. That meant so much to me; pearls have a lot of meaning between us. And I got to get hugs from Amy and Mandy and Makay, and I got to talk to Jason and Morgan for a little while, and Kyle gave me a big hug, and Brother and Sister Raddatz gave me hugs and talked to me for awhile and I just love them.

So. What started like a scary tale ended like a fairytale, and life couldn't possibly better be! Now I'm going to take more meds and go to class. Ciao!

the second decade...

2012-01-15T23:51:00.006-07:00

In a few minutes I will break the teens and enter the year of not belonging. No longer a teen, not quite an adult. As one of the corporate people at work said to me, "You're about to hit the absolutely perfect age! You're gonna be a nobody. And...nobody's perfect! A whole year of perfection awaits!"

Perfect. That is the absolute opposite of what my life has been on a scale of perfection to near failure. But what kind of a scale is that? It's a faulty one. Because my life has been perfect for me.

To be honest, there have been times in my life that I never thought I'd make it to twenty. I didn't ever imagine being twenty until a couple of months ago. My thirteen-year-old self went directly to the goal of eighteen, and the goal after that was where I'd be at twenty-five. Two years later, my fifteen-year-old self couldn't even imagine tomorrow. Then, when I was really eighteen, I was back to imagining and planning to where I wanted to be at twenty-five again. Twenty just kind of got lost in the process of getting to twenty-five, just another thing to check off the list of what I was going to do when I grew up.

I've decided that I'm going to actually be twenty. I've spent a lot of my life waiting to be some other age or in some other place. There's nothing wrong with having a plan. It's good to plan! But something I've learned from this life of mine: you can't expect to have memories of things unless you do the things you want to have memories of. I didn't do normal teenage things because I was so focused on getting to being an independent, graduated, degreed and diploma-ed member of the work force. I forgot to be a real teenager. I didn't hang out with friends. I didn't go to football game or basketball games. I didn't go to a lot of the dances. I didn't do extracurricular activities. I never even imagined sneaking out of my house--I didn't have anywhere to sneak to. It's almost like I just figured "I'll do those things sometime. I've got time." There's never time to waste. There's never a chance to go back.

I don't regret how I was (mostly). I don't regret studying and taking hard classes and staying in on weekends to prep for exams. It's pushed me so much further ahead. What I do regret is thinking that time would just stand still for me. That was a very young, naive thought. Time waits for no one.

I've made a lot of mistakes in the past. There have been stupid moments, unkind words, fights and misunderstandings, missed opportunities, burned bridges. All of these experiences have become lessons of what not to do, and in some cases how to do something better. I've learned how to think better, how to act better, how to be better.

I've also done a lot of things right. There have been many successes, many friendships, many amazing opportunities. There have been people who have come and gone, each one impacting me in some valuable way. There have been other people who have stayed around--these I know will be life long friendships.

There's been a lot of darkness in my life. Ever since I was about ten I've really struggled with depression, anxiety, and the normal awkward, insecure feelings every teen faces. Now I still struggle sometimes, but it's so much easier to really take in the good things. There's so much more light now, more than there ever has been. Looking back to the beginning of my second decade, I see a huge difference in who I am now and who I was then. I'm still pretty insecure, but compared to how I was even a year ago I'm different.

Really though--who isn't insecure? We're all putting on a bit of a front for the world--that's why family is so great. They know what scares you, what makes you furious, what weird things you love; they've heard you cry, scream, even swear. And they still love you anyway. That's another thing I've come to appreciate more. I love my family.

Looking back, I've come a very long way. Looking forward, I've still got a very long way to go. One day at a time. On to decade number three.

you had my heart and soul...

2012-01-15T18:24:00.003-07:00

This is fantastic. All of their work is incredible, but this is stunning.

2012-01-12T22:20:00.005-07:00

.

If there was a way to express how I'm feeling, I would. Since there isn't, I'm not.

.

sad times...

2012-01-11T23:06:00.003-07:00

Before I write anything else, let me say this: I know that there is a ton of beauty and goodness in this world. I see it every day. It's there, it's tangible, and it's easy to see if you are willing to look for it.

Lately the good has been tinged with feelings of sadness. There are a couple of reasons for this. First is that because of the time it takes to keep up with all of my classes, and because of the number of hours I need at work, I had to leave LDC.

The decision to leave wasn't made lightly. I'd been thinking about it for a few weeks. I came up with some ways that I could make it all work, but each time I felt tired just thinking about it. Christmas break came around and I realized something: I didn't really miss choir. I love singing the music and testifying through song. I love learning from Brother Eggett. I love being with my group of girls and guys. But even with all of that, I didn't miss it. Still, I didn't want to leave because I wasn't sure it was the right thing to do.

After thinking about it for a long time and talking to the Lord for awhile about it, I came up with a pros and cons list. The cons outweighed the pros by a long shot. Some people can do it all. I am not one of those people. The good thing about LDC is that I can go back to it when I have more time to be a 100% dedicated member. The bad thing is that by the time I can go back, a lot of my dear friends will be gone, the third years (Sierra, Allie, Jon, Mike, Jenny, to name a few). I hope that we'll be able to keep in touch though! I'll admit it, I miss everyone.

BYU is a hard place to be. It's so, so, so big. I see people I know, but I don't know them. Most of the people I see aren't close friends. Erin, Amelia, and Tiana are there, which is awesome (Erin and Amelia used to be in LDC and Tiana is a good friend from the junior high and high school days), but other than that I don't really know anyone. We're more like acquaintances rather than friends. That will probably change (I hope) but for right now it's a lonely place. Boring, too. Very boring. You can only study for so long, you know?

Third, one of my sisters' friends committed suicide this morning. He went to school with them. I don't know him, but from what I've read and heard today it sounds like he is an awesome, awesome kid. I wish I wish I wish this sort of thing didn't happen. I wish it so much. No one even expected it. It was totally out of the blue. It's so horribly sad.

So, so many sad things happen in this world. A lot of good, happy things happen too. Right now, though, I'm feeling the sadness.

party in the U-S-A!

2012-01-10T23:29:00.011-07:00

A party is a party, but a Captain America party? *insert polite tittering*

Heck yes I did it. I mean, how could I possibly not? I love Captain America! I like the movie, too. So...why not make him the guest of honor at my birthday party? I did. And it was awesome. It was the first time I got to plan and create my very own birthday party (no, it hasn't been my birthday yet). Since I am an official Party Planner at PartyLand, it was pretty easy to do this. I'm surrounded by ideas for nearly 15 hours a week. Wasn't hard with a bajillion options right at my fingertips! It was super fun to do all of the planning, purchasing, decorating, and finally the partying.

Thank you to all of those who helped out and who attended! You made a rough week end with a very fun, care-free Saturday night. I really appreciate it. Let's hear it for the captain!

For those of you who couldn't attend, here are some pictures of the event:

Captain America shield made out of cookies?! Ann's a genuis.

I didn't have time to make a cake, and when my dad found out he surprised me with this. I have no idea where he got it. Isn't it fantastic?! My daddy loves me.

We really are a more lively bunch than we appear to be. I promise.

.

choices...

2012-01-09T00:04:00.003-07:00

Have you ever made a hard choice and felt great about it when you made it, but when it hits you that you can't go back and change the decision you can't help but cry your eyes out?

Yeah. That's me.

December top 10...

2012-01-05T20:06:00.001-07:00

1. Perfect Two -- Auburn
2. Set Fire to the Rain -- Adele
3. To Build a Home -- The Cinematic Orchestra
4. As You Turn Away -- Lady Antebellum
5. Mr. Know-It-All -- Kelly Clarkson
6. Paradise -- Coldplay
7. Mistletoe -- Justin Bieber
8. Almost Lover -- A Fine Frenzy
9. Not Over You -- Gavin DeGraw
10. Begin Again -- Colbie Caillat

tell everybody I'm on my way...

2012-01-03T22:04:00.004-07:00

Well. In t-minus 11 hours and 15 minutes, my BYU adventure begins. While I knew I would get there someday, I never actually thought it was going to happen. Yes, I know that doesn't make any sense. But it's the thought process of the past five years. It works.

I won't lie and say I'm not nervous about this new step in my life. There are things I'm going to have to give up to do this, and it is not going to be easy. There are things I don't know, and things I think I know that I'll probably find incorrect very shortly. But while I'm nervous, I know that it's going to be just fine. I'm going to be just fine! Stressed out, lacking social life, sure. That will be made up for though. In the end it will all be worth it.

Education is my journey. It always has been, it always will be. Learning is something I'm good at, and it's something I love to do. So why stop before I've really gotten started?

Heads up, BYU. I'm on my way.

who are you?

2012-01-01T21:38:00.004-07:00

Parker, a coworker of mine, asked me a question about a month ago that has really bothered me. It has bothered me because I didn't know the answer. I still feel like I don't know the answer, and no matter how much I think about it and try to come up with something satisfactory, it doesn't seem right.

"Who are you?" Parker asked. The question stemmed from a long conversation about how to read people and what he could read about me, just from knowing me for a few weeks. He asked me again a couple of days ago, and I made something up like "I'm a college student, a sister, a daughter, and a friend." He seemed slightly more satisfied with that answer than with my previous "I don't know", and then told me to keep thinking.

Who am I, friends? Because honestly, I'm not sure who I am. Or maybe I know, but I'm too afraid to write it down or say it out loud. Once written down or spoken aloud, it becomes a responsibility. I don't know if I can live up to the expectations. I worry that there is so much to lose.

Perhaps it doesn't make any sense, and maybe putting it off isn't the proper way to go about it. Right now though, trying to come up with a definition of who I am is giving me a headache. Not to mention I think I'm allergic to the idea...if you get my meaning.

lookin' back: 2011...

2011-12-31T23:59:00.006-07:00

Wow. I can't believe the year is over! It went by so incredibly fast, I'm not even sure what happened in 2011 and what didn't! Thankfully I have thousands of pictures in seasonally categorized folders on my computer...if one picture is worth a thousand words, how many words are a thousand pictures worth? Hm...

LDC had Spring Retreat at the beginning of the year. This is my family group, the Dis-Harmonizers! We were the coolest anti-super hero group ever.

Meghan and Amanda performed in their first ever MVHS choir fundraising concert. It was really great to go back to my high school to see all of my still in high school buddies perform, and to see my sisters be spotlighted in each of their numbers.

Institute Date Night! I've made so many good friends through LDC and through Institute. It's been a huge blessing in my life.

Brianna, Shelby, and I got to go to a session of General Conference at the Conference Center. It was a grand adventure, complete with riding the Trax train. "What is that? It's the wrong shape for a bullet hole..." Good times!!

I graduated from UVU! Associate's Degree, baby! It wasn't a super huge deal, but it was a really great accomplishment for me.

LDC performed our spring show, The Family: A Musical Proclamation. This is the show that we were invited to perform in the Conference Center at Temple Square. It was a really amazing experience, to be able to work with professional sound and light crews, a real live stage manager, and to have a fully functioning stage to perform on. I loved every minute of it. Dream come true, to perform on that stage!

Choir tour!

One time Meghan forgot to get a group together for Morp. Adam and I helped her out by going as a second couple, even though we'd graduated a year before.

Jordan and Meghan...Peter Pan and Wendy.

Institute on parade!

Manti Pageant with my sisters and Jenni. It has always been one of my absolute favorite things to do in the summer. I'm so glad we got to go this year! It was the first time in nearly 3 years, and it was a total blast. Thanks to dad for driving us down and hanging out with all of us girls!

New job! Super fun.

Natalie's birthday adventure!

July brought saying good-bye to my best friend Jordan. He is currently serving in the Independence, Missouri mission, Spanish speaking. I honestly don't know where I would be without this kid. I love you, Elder Raddatz!!

The final installment of HARRY freakin' POTTER! Midnight showing, of course.

Summer vacation part one: the ZOO. Where we actually belong.

Summer vacation part two: LAGOON. Where only half of our family belongs...the rest get sick (myself included).

Summer vacation part three: GRANDMA'S HOUSE!! EVERYONE belongs at grandma's house.

A new year of LDC: new friends, new music, new experiences, same Spirit. This is a picture from fall retreat. White Power! I mean...uh...yeah. Try coming up with a cheer when you're the white group! It all comes out sounding racist.

Carrots and Choir Chica Sista, my two best girls. I love them so, so much. From heartbreak to hyperness, they've been there for me every step of the way this semester. BFF's!

LDC presents Mulan! Well...sort of.

On a whim I bought a fish. I named him Leonardo. Leonardo DiFishy.

Insert imaginary photo of new job at PartyLand!

Halloween!!

Fall photoshoot courtesy of Michelle. They're kind of super late senior pictures combined with pictures to use for audition packets. Thank you, Michelle!

Another photoshoot courtesy of Michelle. It was so great to be able to take pictures of all three of us together! Usually I'm the one behind the camera when it's me and my sisters, so this was great. Merry Christmas, mom and dad!

We got a dog and named her Molly. She's a gremlin. Seriously.

LDC performed with Michael McLean in The Forgotten Carols. It was an amazing experience.

Christmas-ing with Carrots at Blickenstaff's!

We're elves. You know...Christmas elves. Santa's little helpers.

It was a Charlie Brown Christmas.

LDC performed our Christmas show, A Silent Night. All of that music and the words came to mean a lot to me by the end of the run. It was a great experience, despite being strangely difficult for me personally. I'm really glad I have those memories.

Chillin' with the Eggletts, Brother and Sister Eggett's children. They are so stinkin' adorable! And all of them are so very kind. I love them!

flying time...

2011-12-31T00:22:00.002-07:00

Time is a strange thing. One day it's Monday, and suddenly it's Friday and you don't know what happened to the days in between. They just sort of flew by in a rush of responsibilities and errands and all sorts of "Things to be Done". What is time, really? Time well spent. Time wasted. Time to get up. Time to go. Time to start. Time to stop. Time, time, time. We live in it. Ruled by it, in some cases.

The passing of time is such an incredible phenomenon. No matter what bounds we may try to set, it moves forward unchecked. We humans are so ruled by our descriptions and categorizations of time--seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years--yet we can never hope to be the masters of it. Time is a completely unlimited thing, with no boundaries or controls to be found. It seems to be God's area of expertise. Strangely and funnily enough, there is no time to God. At least, not in a way that is easily comprehensible, for who can fully grasp the concept of eternity?

Perhaps time, as we understand it, is merely an abstract definition given to us mortals until we can gain a full comprehension of true time, or time that isn't calculated by days and minutes. At the very least, I am grateful for it, because it keeps me from going insane trying to unravel another mystery that I cannot solve.

It is said that you can never have too much time. I have too much. Too much time to think! There you have it.

playin' with the Eggletts...

2011-12-30T01:04:00.016-07:00

Last night I didn't sleep well. It's been the running trend for the past month or so. It's become rather hard to deal with, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to do alright once school starts. Somewhat worrying, because I won't have time to catch up on lost sleep until Sundays, so I'm just crossing my fingers that it will be okay. Sleep. Something you hardly think about until you can't get enough!

When I finally got out of bed today, I had no energy and no desire to do anything other than get my laundry done and avoid contact with people at all costs. Then I got on Facebook and saw a post from one of the choir members, asking for any girls who were available this afternoon to help out the Eggetts. Sister Eggett had surgery earlier this week, and when mom is sick, nothing fun happens.

Allie and Heather were the ring leaders for the small gang of choir members who went over to the Eggett home. The four youngest children, Brother Eggett, and we "grown-ups" (Heather, Sam, Mike, Brad, and myself) had a lovely time playing Just Dance 3 on the Wii. Rachel, the oldest Eggett girl, dances circles around everyone at that game! And my one claim to fame for the night: I beat Brother Eggett at his best song, "California Girls" by Katy Perry. It's a proud moment in my life.

Later in the afternoon we took the 4 youngest kids to the park and played there.

A short soccer game took place until Joseph, the youngest, got too tired to run. Then freeze tag for awhile until Joe again was too tired to run anymore. So we played an on-the-grass version of Dead Man, Dead Man. Since there was no trampoline available we made a ring out of coats and made it work.

Pretty soon the kids got tired of Dead Man, Dead Man. Once the playground was pointed out, there was no stopping any of us from having a go at the slides, swings, and ramps. A new game began, Lava Monster. If you've never played it, you should! It's a total blast. The wood chips are the lava, and one person starts as "it", or the lava monster. Rules: The lava monster can only touch one color of the playground equipment. In our case, it was white. The monster can only touch the color for five seconds at a time (that rule eventually got overlooked). The people have to stay on the playground equipment. They can only touch the lava for 5 seconds in the case of the kids, 3 in the case of the grown-ups. Once you're tagged, you become a lava monster. The last person still "alive" becomes the lava monster for the next round.

After a good three rounds or so of Lava Monster, everyone was getting cold and hungry. Back to the Eggetts we went to finish up the dinner prep. Sam and I took the two youngest girls, Sarah and Hannah, to Harmon's to get some extra food for the LDC "grown-ups". He bought each of us a bottle of Jones Soda, which I thought was very nice of him. Mine was Green Apple...it was weird, like a carbonated green apple snow cone. Good, just weird.

Dinner was followed by Wii Resort, emphasizing in the game Swordplay. Wow...that was so intense! We were all screaming and jumping up and down. Brigham, just older than Joe, was jumping in circles he was so into the game. The best part was when Hannah was taking her turn, and her dad started cheering her on. "Be aggressive, Hannah!" he shouted, to which she calmly replied (while swinging her remote at the screen) "I'm not that kind of person." Priceless!

All in all it was a 100% enjoyable, perfect afternoon. I didn't really want to go over at first because I was feeling so tired and just downright sad. I'm so glad I did though. It was just what I needed.

And may I just say that if I could look as beautiful as Sister Eggett did today, I would feel absolutely satisfied with my life. I don't know how she always manages to look so wonderful, two days after surgery and all! She is an amazing lady, not just because she's pretty, but because she is so kind. I hope to be half as gracious and kind as she is.

Here are some of my favorite captured moments from this afternoon. The Egg-letts are the cutest kids ever! Seriously though. BEAUTIFUL children.

.

Carousel Hearts...

2011-12-28T21:40:00.007-07:00

“If you stand in the center of the carousel, on the platform that the operator walks on while the ride is moving, you will not move.”

That’s what her mother had told her once, years ago at the carnival. Ever since she was very small she had loved the carousel, with its tinny fairground music, twinkly lights, and magnificent menagerie. Her older sister tried a different mount every ride, shouting and exclaiming at the wild-maned lion, the white-necked swan, the fiery-eyed dragon. But she wanted nothing more than to ride the cream and gold pony with the pretty pink saddle and the bright blue eyes. Sister would tease her for choosing the same animal every time, but she would merely look over her shoulder to where mother waited by the gate. Mother always smiled and nodded, and so the pony it was.

Those years are in the past now. Sister has gone away, still the same—always searching for something new, something exciting, something different. And mother—well. Mother is gone now, too. No more walking hand in hand to the carousel. No more encouragement. No more anything. Gone.

She tries to imagine the way it was, climbing onto the carousel pony, looking out as she spun past the world, mother appearing and disappearing in turn as she spun round and round on the back of the pony. Try as she might, she can’t conjure up the scene. Suddenly feeling trapped inside her small bedroom, she puts on her shoes and walks out the door, down the hallway, and across the kitchen. Out she goes into the starry summer night, locking the door behind her.

Her feet know the way to the fairgrounds. Quickly they move her forward as she loses herself in the memories of sister, mother, and carousel. So lost is she that she hardly notices where she is until she stumbles upon a raised bit of sidewalk.

There it is. The carnival, laid out before her. It is late enough that there is no one around. The lights are dark; the booths and shops are quiet. Swiftly and silently she makes her way through the town of tents until she finds what she is seeking: the carousel.

She has never seen it dark like this before. The music is stopped. The lights no longer blink. The wild-maned lion, the white-necked swan, the fiery-eyed dragon, all as she remembers them to be, sleep under the mirrored roof above them. And there—she squints in the darkness—it isn’t there.

Her breath catches in her chest and she runs forward, tripping on cords in the darkness. She grips the metal fence that surrounds the carousel, craning and straining to see through the shadows. It can’t be gone. It can’t be.

But it is. The pony—the cream and gold pony with the pretty pink saddle and the bright blue eyes—it’s been replaced by something else. She slumps against the fence and listens as her breath comes hard and fast. How can it be gone? How can something else be gone?

She closes her eyes, praying for some sort of memory to fill the awful, empty hole she feels inside. Slowly images come: her sister climbing aboard the wild-maned lion, whooping and waving her arm like a cowboy in the rodeo; her mother handing quarters to the ticket seller; sister scolding her for riding the cream pony for a third time; mother nodding and smiling, giving her the go ahead to ride the pony; mother laughing and waving to her as she spins by; mother taking her hand; the cream and gold pony with the pretty pink saddle and the bright blue eyes; mother; the cream pony; mother…

“Mother!”

The word rips from her throat unbidden, crashing into the silent night, thundering in her ears. She shakes her head, trying to rid herself of the sudden, frantic pounding of her heart.

The carousel. She looks up, up at the carousel before her.

“If you stand in the center of the carousel, on the platform that the operator walks on while the ride is moving, you will not move.”

Jumping the fence, she runs up the carousel ramp to the platform where the operator runs the machine. She knows how it works, having seen it hundreds of times. She even asked someone once, when she was not so small, to show her how to run the carousel. She finds the small key, left only where an operator or an operator’s friend would know to look, and places it into the slot. One turn to the left. Press three buttons. Flip one switch.

Lights go on. Music begins to play. And with one more knob, the carousel begins to spin. Round and round they go: the wild-maned lion, the white-necked swan, the fiery-eyed dragon. Round and round they go: sister, mother, pony, sister, mother, pony. But where she is, she does not move. Where she is, the world passes her by, spinning and spinning away by the light of the carousel.

Richard's Trees...

2011-12-27T22:58:00.010-07:00

It is his idea to go for an early evening stroll through the neighborhood. I protest at first, laughing at the crazy idea of going out in the below freezing temperatures. Then he opens the door. The outside world is draped in misty wonder, the lights dim and fluttery as their beams try to penetrate the fog. He has caught me, for it looks like a fairyland. He knows I can't resist a fairyland.

He hands me my coat and puts on his own. Opening the door, we step from the place of warm, human familiarity and into a chilly, enchanted land--the realm of the fairies. It is as strange and wondrous as any of the Seven Wonders of the World, but it is upon our doorstep.

At first we talk and even chase one another through the slippery, frosty mist that tingles as it touches our cheeks. He laughs as I exclaim at the beautiful patterns upon the leaves and fences; I laugh as he sings "Frosty the Snowman" at the top of his voice. "There isn't any snow to sing about!" I cry. "Well, you never know," he replies, "Maybe if we sing loud enough, your fairies will make it snow." He winks at me and begins to run again.

Soon we lapse into companionable silence. We walk in step with one another, listening to the crunch of ice and frost under our feet. It is impossible to tell the time--there is only the dull, shimmering glow of the streetlights in the fog.

On and on we walk, commenting on a particularly interesting icicle hanging from a tree branch or the way the blue and green and red of the Christmas lights on a fence bleed together in the misty air to form new colors. But mostly we just walk together, as we always do.

He stops suddenly. I stop a few paces ahead of him, turning to see what the matter is. "What's up?" I ask him. He shrugs and lets loose a breath. It creates a puff of white in front of his face. He does it a second time, then points a little ways ahead of us.

"What do you see?" he asks.

I walk to where he is standing and position myself to follow his line of sight. Ahead of us is the park. There is a smattering of trees before us, each one standing apart from its fellows. They have no line or pattern, but they fit together all the same. I study them for a time, trying to find a satisfying answer to his question.

"Well?" he says. "Well, what?" He laughs and moves to stand at my side, putting a hand on my shoulder and pointing again to the trees with the other, "Tell me what you see." I frown at him, "You'll laugh." He shakes his head, "Won't."

Squinting at the scene before me, I begin.

"I see figures, frozen by the night in their acts of life. See? That one, there. She is waiting, waiting for someone to come home. Over there, he remembers what it was to be young and free. Beyond them both, another pauses on the path of change before taking the step that will alter his life forever. And there, she holds inside tears that cannot yet be allowed to flow.

These figures, they're shrouded. Shrouded in the frost--shrouded in delicate, intricate, fragile life. Each life is so very different, as is the way of things. And yet, if you notice, each one is clothed in the same material. You see them? All clothed in diamond white. But look at them closer and you'll see that none is the same. All of the patterns are different. No ice crystal is the same. Neither is any human experience.

And so they stand there, paused in their time. They stand, waiting in the winter of their lives, praying for the tender touch of spring."

I am so caught up in the scene before me that I’m startled when I hear a soft chuckle. The magic is broken and I turn, a rush of anger rising at his laughter. "You said you wouldn't laugh," I remind him sharply.

He shakes his head as looks at me, an expression of amusement on his face. Again I feel upset, but then I notice the sadness creeping up in the corners of his eyes. The anger fades, and I wait for him to speak. He sighs again and stuffs his hands deep into his pockets. I wait still. Staring straight into my eyes, he speaks.

"You missed your calling in life."

Startled, I reply, "My calling?"

"Yes," he walks toward the trees. Glancing over his shoulder, he smiles at me, "You should have been a poet." I laugh and wave away the praise, "Poets only make an income after they're dead." He laughs too, and then returns his gaze to the trees. He gestures to the trees and speaks again.

"When you look at the world, you see people. A frost-covered tree isn't just a frost-covered tree. It's...it's more than that. It becomes a person with a story, a symbol of a life lived. Or even one not lived." His voice grows quiet, and he talks to the icy grass below our feet. "I don't know how you do it, Hannah. Or why you do it. You've always been like that."

I feel as though he's complimented me and in the same sentence pointed out some sort of flaw in my personality. Suddenly I feel unsure and almost frightened of what will happen next, so I laugh, "Well, Richard, you know what I see now! But you haven't told me what you see."

He smiles over his shoulder again but doesn't respond. I approach him and put my hand on his shoulder.

"Richard?" I ask softly, "What do you see?"

His gaze lingers upon the trees in front of us. Slowly he raises his arm and gently removes my hand from his shoulder. He holds it for awhile, tracing the design of my glove with his finger. Then, he looks me in the eye.

"I see trees covered in frost, Hannah. That's all I've ever seen."

He drops my hand. I watch him as he slowly walks back the way we came, until I can no longer see him through the mist.

.

surprising...

2011-12-26T01:23:00.001-07:00

I am surprised

...by how quickly I can drink a bottle of water.
...that I have cried during every single movie I have watched over the past 4 days.
...because at almost 20 years old I still worry about hurting a stuffed animal's feelings.
...to realize that I go back to school at BYU, of all places, in one day over a week.
...when I get a paycheck from work because I always forget I get paid to have so much fun.
...that John, Ruthie's older brother, gave me such a nice Christmas present (a necklace with my first initial on the chain).
...by how much I miss Jordan.
...at how very awkward I feel around my sisters' friends.
...that sometimes I know more than I think I do.
...when I can eat a huge meal and not feel full, comfortably or uncomfortably, at all.
...to realize that I have only tripped twice in the past five days.
...that it is so comforting to hold a stuffed toy, like my giant, pink, fluffy unicorn (named Agnes).
...by how many of my friends are suddenly pairing off and getting together.
...to find myself wondering if I truly understand what it is to feel love for someone and to feel loved in return.
...at the number of times in the recent past that I have found myself lost for words.
...because despite all of the wonderful, marvelous, joyous things in my life, I'm still lonely.

.

welcome, Christmas...welcome, Savior...

2011-12-24T23:02:00.009-07:00

It has been a very, very hard Christmas season for me this year. Usually it's all happiness and bustle to get things ready and beautiful to celebrate this time to remember the Savior. This year it's been less happiness and more bustle. It's very strange because I've been absolutely surrounded by opportunities to feel the Spirit and to be touched by the stories of Christmas. There have been multiple experiences when I've felt overwhelmed with gratitude and joy; almost immediately those feelings turn into deep sadness. I don't know what it is. I keep examining myself to see what I need to do differently. Believe me, I find things that need to be changed, but they don't seem to be so severe as to cause this kind of pain and loneliness.

Today has been another very hard day. I'm very grateful that yesterday was such a good day. I had a lot of things to think about and remember to keep smiling: mailing Jordan's present; delivering gifts with Ann to Teddy, the Eggetts, Brianna, and the Raddatzes; going to see A Christmas Carol with Ann and her family; watching Balto for the first time with Ann and her sister Jenny; then a very late night adventure to Walmart with Ann and Jenny in search of a tie for their uncle (whom Ann had forgotten to get a gift for).

Luckily I spent most of the day at work, 10am-4pm. I say lucky because it kept me busy thinking about things like price labels, balloons, customers and their needs, Parker and Tracy being silly with me, and all things work-related. At the back of my mind were the worries though. Little Amy being very sick. Tuition. Balancing choir, work, and school work next semester. Trying to remember the new things Tracy trained me on at work. Family relationships. Friends who I miss, and those who I see but wonder what they think of me. My plans to serve a mission.

Christmas Eve became merrier for me however. After a rather exciting adventure to the grocery store (involving many purchases of holiday ice cream flavors and sparkling cider), my family and I had a very tasty dinner of seasoned bread dipped in olive oil and herbs with glasses of sparkling cider. Then mom invited me to go with her to the store on some last minute gift searches. I make it a rule to never shop on the eve before a holiday. One day before Halloween and Thanksgiving were dangerous enough, but Christmas? I was a wee bit nervous as we headed out. However, it was rather fun! We found very magical things, including Wild Berry Sprite and peanut brittle! Oh, sugar. I love you.

The return home also brought the return of the worries and fears and a very sad feeling. Instead of going right to bed, a movie was put in: Santa Claus is Comin' to Town. I've loved it ever since I was very little. It's always been one of my very favorite Christmas movies. This was the first time watching it as an adult, and I found that I loved it even more because I caught more of the humor and more of the meaning. It touched me very deeply, reminding me again what Christmas really is about and helping to ease the hurt inside a little bit. And yes, I did cry. But don't tell my family!

Shortly after finishing the movie, I received an email from a dear friend, Amy's mother. Two sentences into the email I was in tears again. I was so grateful for her kind words, and it helped so much to know that someone out there was thinking of me with kindness. Sometimes what a person needs is to be reminded that somewhere out there is someone who cares.

The Savior cares. That's what Christmas is all about. He cared enough to give everything, to be born into a fallen, mortal world with a mortal body and mortal parents, to live as a man with fallen neighbors and strangers--so fallen that it was up to Him to save each one of us by giving His life. That's how much He cares. It's pretty incredible to think about.

And so, I say, welcome, Santa Claus! Not because of the temporary joy that is brought by gifts and things and such, but because of the reminder Santa Claus gives us. Santa, the giver and bringer of happiness on earth. Savior, the giver and bringer of happiness for eternity. Would that we could always be such as He, giving without restraint to those who are sad or hurt or alone. This is my new goal: to give and to love and to be like Jesus! What better example than He of how to live? Welcome, Christmas! Welcome, Savior!

"Poor, misguided folks. They missed the whole point. Lot's of unhappiness? Maybe so. But doesn't Santa take a little bit of that unhappiness away? Doesn't a smile on Christmas morning scratch out a tear cried on a sadder day? Not much maybe. But what would happen if we all tried to be like Santa and learned to give as only he can give: of ourselves, our talents, our love and our hearts? Maybe we could all learn Santa's beautiful lesson and maybe there would finally be peace on Earth and good will toward men."

-Mailman, "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town"

"And in doing these things thou wilt do the greatest good unto thy fellow beings, and wilt promote the glory of him who is your Lord."

-Doctrine and Covenants 81:4

photo from AboutReligiousArt.com

He'll Find a Way...

2011-12-24T00:09:00.000-07:00

Some of you have probably noticed that I've been on a bit of a Dallyn Bayles kick. I'll warn you now, you'll probably see more of his music in the coming months. Here's why:

When I listen to Dallyn sing, I feel completely at peace. I am reminded again of how much the Lord loves me, and of what the Savior has done for me. The words and musicality of each piece resonates so strongly with me that it gives me courage to keep moving forward. That's what music does for me--it keeps me focused and strengthens me when things are hard. It helps me even when times aren't hard by helping me to move forward with faith and trust that if I do as the Lord commands, He will provide a way. Music is a tool the Spirit uses to teach me and to comfort me. It always has been, and it has become even more important in my life as I've gotten older.

This song, "He'll Find a Way", has been very meaningful to me. I heard it once on the radio when I was driving to an LDC performance last year. It was before I'd ever heard of or met Brother Bayles, and I remember I almost wrecked because I was so overcome by the truth of this song. It was a very dark time in my life, and this song allowed the Spirit to enter my heart and testify to me that I was loved. Now it's still a powerful reminder, and I play it often. I am so grateful for all of the times the Lord has helped me. He cares so much! It's really incredible, if you think about it.

I know that Christ lives. Whoever you are, be you friend or stranger, He loves you. His love can be seen in all directions--all you need to do is look for Him. I promise that He is there, and I know He loves you. Just like He loves me.

When life gets crazy and you've had enough,
and the more you search for some kind of meaning
the more you feel you're out of luck;
When your mind tries to reason and nothing adds up,
lay it all down.
Take a good look around.

His love can be seen in all directions!
His infinite peace longs to hold you every second.
From the thorns in His crown to the sunset colored clouds
He'll find a way to say 'I love you.'

When tears won't relieve you, when your heart feels numb
and your mind keeps repeating the painful,
thoughtless things you've done;
And you're starting to wonder just who you've become,
believe you'll make it!
Give your worry up-
let Him take it.

His love can be seen in all directions!
His infinite peace longs to hold you every second.
From the thorns in His crown to the sunset colored clouds
He'll find a way to say 'I love you.'

Feel His love with each breath you're breathing.
It's as sure as your heart is beating!

His love can be seen in all directions!
His infinite peace longs to hold you every second.
From the thorns in His crown to the sunset colored clouds
He'll find a way to say 'I love you.'

He'll find a way to say 'I love you.'
He'll find a way."

missionary care package...

2011-12-23T13:31:00.003-07:00

I finally got Jordan's Christmas package ready and sent. It won't get there until next Thursday, but at least it will get there, right? Last night my family and I wrote him letters and put them into a big box with some of the things I'd already gathered for him. Today I went to the store and found some more goodies to put inside the box for him and his companion. For Jordan there were two ties (since those are the only things that a missionary can really change), a journal, a CD of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir hymns, and several letters. For him and his companion there were two Christmas goodie bags, a box full of peppermint candies, suckers, and candy canes, and two bags of Hershey's kisses (with a note saying "Use wisely-they're the only ones you're gonna get!"). And the best part? See for yourself:

Peppermint forget-me-stick. How genius is that? It's freakin' huge! I was pretty excited about that. Thought I'd share the joy with you. :)

chipping away...

2011-12-23T02:34:00.003-07:00

Slowly but surely I'm crossing things off of my to-do list. I don't know why it's been so hard to find motivation lately! Everything seems to take three times as much energy as it should. I usually don't leave jobs half done, but the past week and a half has seen half done, quarter done, and even eighth done projects. Even at work it's hard to get stuff done. I put out three carts of merchandise today by myself, but there were only two motivating factors: the store owner was working the shift as well, and I don't like the idea of getting paid to do nothing.

At home it's harder. No manager or owner and no pay. I don't really want to do anything. I don't even want to eat. Parker was giving me a hard time about that tonight at work. He kept trying to get me to eat Wheat Thins from the box someone had left from the previous shift. The only reason why I ate when I got home from work was because my head was all fuzzy.

I supposed chipping away at things is better than not getting anything done at all. Better to do things a little at a time with consistency than try to tackle a project and end up making a bigger mess. Case in point, my bedroom. It's almost 3 in the morning. I'm done with that project for now. Perhaps a 16th done. But if I'm honest...probably more like a 32nd. Buh.

Christmas cookies...

2011-12-21T23:56:00.008-07:00

Yesterday my friends Alyssa and Chelsie invited me to make cookies with them at Alyssa's house. It was so much fun! I haven't done anything like that in a very long time. Usually when I bake I'm by myself, and I haven't done any cookie decorating since I was in Young Women's. It had been kind of a hard weekend due to repeated episodes of health problems, and being able to spend time with Lyssa and Chels was a real mood lifter. I'm so, so grateful that I got the job at PartyLand. I've met some pretty quality people there, people I have come to count as dear friends.

Christmas cookie magic...they make me happy! This recipe is so great, too. I'll get it from Alyssa and share it with all of you, deal?

A normal Christmas tree.

A Christmas tree after it caught fire on the candles in its branches...
I'm not weird.

Not weird, remember?

nothing...

2011-12-21T00:06:00.003-07:00

I've been sitting on my bed for the past twenty minutes trying to wrap my head around all of the thoughts that are flying through my mind. There is so much going on in my head: to-do lists, conversations, memories, song lyrics, problems I need to sort out, frustrations, lists of blessings and people, things I wonder about. And the strangest thing about it is the utter lack of feeling occurring inside me right now. I literally feel nothing. No pain, no joy, no anger, nothing. At this point I'm merely made up of thoughts that are absolutely disconnected from any emotion.

Earlier in the day I was full of emotions. The range was from one end of the spectrum to the other, from the violent, furious reds of rage to the calm, serene violets of peace. I was all over that ROY G BIV mood necklace palette. For example (just a few):

Anger-I am very, very tired of people who I consider friends trying to discourage me from going on a mission. They all say the same thing: "I don't want to discourage you, BUT..." and off they go with all of the reasons they don't think women should serve missions. If it was just one person, fine. That's one person. However, it's more than one, and it's always a man. I shouldn't care what they think, but when it's a friend saying it, I DO care. I finally just tell people that I don't want to talk about my mission plans with them anymore because I don't want to stay angry or say something that will cause an argument.

Discouraged-See above. Money. Worries about going to BYU. Being unable to keep up with housework. Still coping with some health problems that I don't understand.

Sad-See above. I miss Jordan. I miss Shelby. Saddened by the fact that I can't talk to some of my friends about one of my sincerest desires to go on a mission because they think it's stupid and selfish for a woman to serve a mission (yes, they said that). I also don't feel good enough to go to BYU, and I feel that each good thing I try to do isn't good enough.

Happy-I have amazing friends. I have amazing opportunities. I have the knowledge that the Savior loves me and that I am a child of GOD.

Fearless-With God, all things are possible. So why do I feel sad and discouraged, too? Meh.

Hyper-Caffeine...good friends...making cookies...Christmas activities...BBC's Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle...

Now I've gone from all of that to nothing. Just nothing. No worries, no fears, no anger, no sadness, no happiness, not even tiredness. How can a person feel nothing? The absence of emotion is odd. My mind says it should unsettle me, but I don't feel very unsettled. Absence of emotion, remember?

While I don't feel unsettled, I neither feel content. I'm just here, sitting on the bed typing and thinking. And another nothing: no interest in men. That is weird. It's like I just flipped a switch on Thursday night and any attraction to anybody was shut off. Yeah, yeah...it'll last all of one more day at the most, I know. You don't need to tell me I'm silly. You can if you want to though! I don't mind.

A Silent Night...

2011-12-20T00:25:00.005-07:00

The past two weekends have been spent performing in LDC's annual Christmas pageant. At first our show A Silent Night seemed just another thing that I had to do. I wasn't unhappy about it, but neither was I super excited about it. It was just a show, a chance to perform and to make people happy. It just never seemed to mean much to me personally. I wanted people to come and see it so they could feel happy and be uplifted, but it was like the message of it wasn't getting through to me.

That was until our final show, after our president, Teddy, bore her testimony. I was finally able to really feel the message of our story. Before I knew the story and the music, and I loved all of it. I knew in my mind that the story was true, and that what we were doing was blessing many people and helping them through their hard times. But as Teddy spoke of the Savior, and of her upcoming mission, and of her love for each of us, it wasn't just a fact anymore. It was no longer just a fact in my head. It was real truth in my heart.

Christmas isn't glitter and sparkly lights and presents, toys and electronics and gift cards. Christmas isn't Santa Claus and elves and sleigh rides. Christmas is more than that. All of those things can be good and bring happiness, but it isn't what it's all about. Christmas, as Brother Eggett pointed out, is a big birthday party. It's Christ's birthday party! That's what it's all about. Shepherds were invited to celebrate by the angels, a formal invitation from God to announce the birth of His Son! Wise men came later to give gifts to the child, recognizing the little king. Today we continue to celebrate the most wondrous, miraculous birth of all time. Because that's what it's really about. Not the Christmas we see in the windows of every store and on the screen of every TV, but the Christmas we read of in the scriptures. It's the Christmas you feel, the Christmas that gets inside you and causes you to love people you don't even know, or people you don't even like very much. It's the Christmas that makes you want to be a better person, even if it's in a small way that nobody will ever know about. It's the Savior, the Messiah, the King of kings and Lord of Lords! It's Him, and all He did. Because there wouldn't be an Easter without a Christmas.

Let Him in. Into your life, into your heart, into your mind. All we have to do is let Him in.

I'll share a little bit of our show with you now. I hope you enjoy it. Merry Christmas!

My darling friend Amanda and me after the show.

Click here.

All praise to the name of the Father of Light!
One who listens and hears when I call.
Every step He ordains I shall walk without fear.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.

What can mortal men do while I'm safe in His hands?
He is God; on His word I'll rely!
In the midst of my fear I will trust in His name
for I know He will hear when I cry.

He knows all of my feelings,
the depths of despair,
all the limits my soul can endure.
I will trust in His name--I have nothing to fear
for in Him all my hopes are secure.

All praise to the name of the Father of Light!
One who listens and hears when I call.
Every step He ordains I shall walk without fear.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.

He alone can deliver a soul from its death,
lift a life from a wasteland of need.
He alone can replenish with blessings untold
until into His light we are freed!
We are freed!

All praise to the name of the Father of Light!
One who listens and hears when I call.
Every step He ordains I shall walk without fear.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.

Every step He ordains I shall walk without fear!
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.

PS I had the opportunity to sing the solo on this song for one of our performances. To sing what really is my testimony...and to be backed up by this amazing choir...wow. It truly was an incredible experience. I probably will never have a chance like that again, and it has become a memory I will treasure forever.

almost funny...

2011-12-19T16:14:00.001-07:00

Creepy...

.

gratitude...

2011-12-18T23:48:00.007-07:00

Savior, Redeemer of my soul
Whose mighty hand hath made
me whole
Whose wondrous pow'r hath raised
me up
And filled with sweet my bitter cup!
What tongue my gratitude can tell
O gracious God of Israel

Never can I repay Thee, Lord
But I can love Thee. Thy pure word
Hath it not been my one delight
My joy by day, my dream by night?
Then let my lips proclaim it still
And all my life reflect Thy will

O'errule mine acts to serve Thine ends
Change frowning foes to smiling friends
Chasten my should till I shall be
In perfect harmony with Thee
Make me more worthy of Thy love
And fit me for the life above

"Make me more worthy of Thy love, and fit me for the life above."

something about Christmas time...

2011-12-17T13:05:00.003-07:00

Sometimes when you've done all you can do and it still isn't enough, an angel comes along to carry you across the finish line.

I believe in angels...read more here.

oops...

2011-12-16T01:12:00.003-07:00

Picture this: Five people on a love seat. Three boys, two girls. One boy and one girl in a relationship on one end of the couch. One boy, one girl, one boy on the other. Odds are that the three extra people on the couch are going to get pretty squished to make room for aforementioned couple. Which is no big deal--they're cute together and it makes me super happy. However...I'll just spill it. I ended up in what you might call a cuddle, one boy on either side. Behind me with his arm around my shoulders one friend, in front of me with my legs across his knees a second friend.

I never do that. Sure, I like hugs (sometimes), and I've been held before, but cuddling? I don't do that.

There was a practical reason behind the whole thing. Two reasons, the first being that there was no way we could all fit on that couch sitting side-by-side (we tried it), and there was no room on the other couch or the floor (there were about 17people watching a movie in Teddy's apartment), so it just made sense to squish up. The other reason was that despite the number of bodies in the room, I was cold. I'm always cold, it's just a fact. So these two boys were keeping me warm. Practical. Right?

Now I'll admit what I'm oops-ing about. I liked it. I liked being close to somebody (in this case two somebodies). I was warm and (eventually) relaxed, so much so that I almost fell asleep. I felt safe. There aren't any feelings beyond friendship between me and these two friends (that I know of), but it was still just nice. The problem: I did like it, and generally when you like something you want it again. No bueno.

I don't want to be the girl who needs to be held by a guy to be happy. Already it's hard being single when most of my friends are dating. I'm not. I rarely, if ever, date. There's already a loneliness inside of me, especially now that my best friend is all of the sudden receiving a ton of attention from men and I stand there next to her nearly invisible. They don't notice me anymore when I'm with her. They used to notice us both, but not anymore. I'm glad that's happening to her because, though she denies it, she enjoys it. I like seeing her happy. However...ugh. Being invisible is kinda hard, you know?

Anyway. Loneliness...that's also hard to deal with. I don't need to make it worse by being stupid. I am perfectly fine on my own. I don't need a man to make me happy. So there! :)

Yeah. Oops.

finally feeling it...

2011-12-14T01:05:00.004-07:00

This has been the second year in a row that it hasn't felt like Christmas. I've done Christmas-y things, like listen to Christmas music and shop for family members, rehearsed and performed with LDC, been to Temple Square. I even work in a party store where it's ALL Christmas centered all the time. Until today, however, it hasn't felt much like Christmas.

TODAY was Christmas. It was awesome. Ann and I went shopping together for coworker, friend, and family gifts, and it was so super fun. Then we came to my house to put everything together and THAT was super fun. Then we went on an adventure to BYU because mom forgot her glasses, and on our way back we went to the Riverwoods (Smalls [my camera] in tow just in case we decided to take some sort of detour after our trip to the Y).

Magic. Pure magic. It's Christmas.

PS Thanks, Carrots, for helping me make new memories. These are definitely better than the old ones. :)

...

2011-12-13T10:17:00.003-07:00

The brush of the wind across the land
leaves the world cold.
Landscape transformation: littered over the ground
in the form of slumbering debris blanketed by
a thin, white sheet of watery dust.
Waiting.
Sunlight falls unchanged,
its rays resting gently
upon the earth.
All is still - the land sleeps -
waiting.
There is no warmth from
this winter sun.

reminders...

2011-12-12T12:12:00.007-07:00

To Do:
1. Print off list of books and materials needed for next semester
2. Print off schedule with building and room numbers
3. Go to BYU and

purchase books/materials

pay remaning tuition

provide proof of insurance (first figure out what that means)

purchase parking pass

find buildings and classrooms

4. Scrub kitchen
5. Make cake bites and freeze for next week
6. Clean front room
7. Put up Christmas tree/decorations
8. Re-memorize lines for tonight's Scera Home for the Holidays concert
9. Re-memorize lines for Christmas show tomorrow since I messed them up last night
10. Christmas cards/LDC gifts
11. Make gifts for Primary students

I have time to do this. I have money, too. I have motivation...ha. No, not really.

uplifted...

2011-12-08T20:08:00.003-07:00

I've had so much on my mind today. I guess it showed a lot in my face this morning...oops. I need to work on my thought and facial expression connection. No need to be a billboard that says "I'm THINKING about stuff!" Buh.

Despite all of the things on my mind, I feel good. There have been some rocky moments, but for the most part it's been a really happy, peaceful day. It helps that I spent time with little Amy this evening, dancing around in her living room to Christmas music by the glow of the tree lights. That definitely helped. It's hard to be sad when your 4-year-old best friend comes running to the door and launches herself into your arms, saying "I LOVE YOU!" and then after a few seconds of a giggly, squeezy embrace says, "Hug me tighter." Precious much? I treasure all of the moments I've had with that little angel.

It really has been a great day. Temple this morning, singing with LDC and then lunch with some of the gang afterwards, a nap (very important), and visiting the Raddatzes. It's been awesome. I'm super grateful for today.

is this a test?

2011-12-07T13:45:00.005-07:00

I got some news today that, although not entirely unexpected, was still a bit of a blow. It wasn't a blow to my confidence or anything that broke my heart, but more of a tremor in my personal faith. Why would I not receive something that was promised to me by the Lord who never breaks a promise?

The hard thing for me right now is to have faith in something I'm not sure of. I'm not good at just stepping back and saying, 'Oh, well! Time to just be happy not knowing and keep living life.' I'm very much about having the perfect answer. I want ANSWERS. Without an answer I feel lost and afraid and unsure. I don't know which direction to go, which decision to make, and I worry about everything. So my knee-jerk reaction today was 'Crap. CRAP. Crap. How do I have faith in something I'm not even sure will happen? How do I move forward when I have no direction and am so unsure? I mean...the Lord wouldn't lie to me. Right? Right! But...wha...huh?'

And then I got to thinking...that's what faith IS. To believe in and hope for things that are unseen, that are for us uncertain, that we don't have answers about at this present time. Then after some more thinking...Heavenly Father isn't a yes or no man. Especially when it comes to a no answer. The Lord never really says, "NO!" It's more of a "Not yet, little one. I know your dreams, your fears, and your desires. Still, I am your Father, and I know when to let you know what is in store. Keep moving forward in faith and obedience. I will guide the way."

God doesn't force us to do anything. He also doesn't tease us with empty words and flat promises. He lets us make choices and as long as we do our best--MY best--to do as he asks me, he will bless me. He knows that the things I want are good. He also knows when it will be best for me to receive these things, and even when it is best for me to give.

Faith. Isn't it about believing?

Alma 32:21
"And now as I said concerning faith—faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."

Doctrine and Covenants 105:19
"I have heard their prayers, and will accept their offering; and it is expedient in me that they should be brought thus far for a trial of their faith."

1 Peter 1:7
"That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:"

Ether 12:6
"And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."

Moroni 7:42
"Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope."

Alma 32:36
"Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither must ye lay aside your faith, for ye have only exercised your faith to plant the seed that ye might try the experiment to know if the seed was good."

Doctrine and Covenants 63:11
"Yea, signs come by faith, unto mighty works, for without faith no man pleaseth God; and with whom God is angry he is not well pleased; wherefore, unto such he showeth no signs, only in wrath unto their condemnation."

Moroni 7:28
"For he hath answered the ends of the law, and he claimeth all those who have faith in him; and they who have faith in him will cleave unto every good thing; wherefore he advocateth the cause of the children of men; and he dwelleth eternally in the heavens."

Ether 12:7
"For it was by faith that Christ showed himself unto our fathers, after he had risen from the dead; and he showed not himself unto them until after they had faith in him; wherefore, it must needs be that some had faith in him, for he showed himself not unto the world."

Alma 44:4
"Now ye see that this is the true faith of God; yea, ye see that God will support, and keep, and preserve us, so long as we are faithful unto him, and unto our faith, and our religion; and never will the Lord suffer that we shall be destroyed except we should fall into transgression and deny our faith."

Alma 32:26
"Now, as I said concerning faith—that it was not a perfect knowledge—even so it is with my words. Ye cannot know of their surety at first, unto perfection, any more than faith is a perfect knowledge."

gratitude...

2011-12-05T22:51:00.003-07:00

I am grateful for my dad who makes sure I have a ride to my performances and who buys me a hamburger for dinner, and who comes to the theater to watch my show.

I am grateful for Cody who gave me three big hugs today, even though he probably doesn't know how much I needed hugs.

I am grateful for Ann who always makes me smile and laugh and is absolutely wonderful, and for the warm coat she gave me.

I am grateful for Brandon who told me he would pray for me just before we went onstage to perform tonight because I was nervous about my solo and speaking lines.

I am grateful for Santa Claus who told me that my solo was "angelic".

I am grateful for little dogs who are always excited to see me when I come home.

I am grateful for Chelsie who is absolutely hilarious.

I am grateful for people who start the conversation.

I am grateful for my space heater. Super grateful.

I am grateful for Amy and her kind, gentle, loving friendship.

I am grateful for Alyssa and her help finding my phone that I lost at work when it fell out of my pocket and decided to hide between several pieces of merchandise.

I am grateful for Linnea who is always happy to see me.

I am grateful for Tracy and how she always makes sure I know that my work is appreciated and that I'm doing a good job.

I am grateful for Julia and her amazing organizational skills that have allowed this LDC Christmas show to be so much farther ahead than things were last year.

I am grateful for Skyler and how he always asks me how my day is going, and how if I ever seem sad he tries to help cheer me up.

I am grateful that I don't have to walk far in the cold weather.

I am grateful for men who open the door for me.

I am grateful for people who work hard for the good of the group.

I am grateful for good music.

I am grateful for Sister Terry and for her gift to know just what to say right when it needs to be said, and for her sense of humor and example of continual faith for the future.

I am grateful that my grant money came through and I'll be able to pay for school this next semester.

I am grateful for jump drives...they make my life easier.

dark of the sun...

2011-12-04T23:09:00.004-07:00

There are many winter nights when I take the long way home. Get into the car; radio and heater off; stillness and cold my traveling companions. I delay returning for as long as possible, taking detours along familiar roads that are transformed into strange paths by the misty quiet of the night.

Winding through my city on a cold, silent night, there is no one out. It's a comfortable loneliness, knowing that indoors there is life, and out of doors there is me. Inside are the living. Outside I am a silent observer, unseen and unnoticed. A phantom with a heartbeat. Watcher, thinker, drinker of cold and darkness. Taking in the night.

The world looks so different in the darkness of winter. The street lights and stoplights of green, red, yellow, white, blur in the cold air; a fuzzy halo shines around each bulb. A halo rims the moon as well. There is a tale I heard once that says that the number of stars inside the ring around the moon is the number of days it will rain. There are no stars in this night. No stars--only light from man and from moon.

I have no fear of the night. Yes, what the night holds can be frightening. However, it is not the night that one needs to fear, for it is in darkness that one can find peace, serenity, and answers. There is comfort to be found in the stillness. There is comfort in the night.

typing with gloves on...

2011-12-02T10:24:00.004-07:00

Yes, I am typing with gloves on. But I didn't start this post to tell you about that. Instead, I'm writing something I thought of while trying to strike the keys with fingers clothed in heavy black fabric.

Lately I've been feeling like my life is like trying to type with gloves on. I can still do every motion and action, but there are often times mistakes that I keep repeating. The mistakes are simple and clumsy. The feeling I usually have is one of extreme awkwardness, and I am generally uncertain about every move I make. Whether it's a big decision or a little one (ie. to stay in LDC vs. getting hot chocolate or apple cider at the cafe), a sentence I say or don't say, a friend I make or don't make...I feel the need to move cautiously so as to not make someone or something upset with me.

On the flip side, the more I wear these gloves while typing, the more accurate I become. The more accurate I become, the more confident I feel in wearing these gloves while using a keyboard. I have to strike the keys with careful, deliberate motions, working hard to feel every single key through the gloves, making sure that my fingers are properly placed. It's quieter, too, typing this way. Perhaps it isn't always a bad thing to go slowly and to proceed with caution. Perhaps it is in being patient and diligent that success comes. Be patient instead of fearful in decision making...

PS My family has a new dog. Her name is Molly. She is a very tiny but obnoxious little animal. Cute, yes. A practice in patience? Most definitely.

November top 10...

2011-12-01T23:14:00.000-07:00

Set Fire to the Rain-Adele
Drop in the Ocean-Ron Pope
As You Turn Away-Lady Antebellum
Kiss Me Slowly-Parachute
Paradise-Coldplay
Keep Forgetting-Jojo
Near to You-A Fine Frenzy
To Build a Home-The Cinematic Orchestra
You Belong with Me-Taylor Swift
Colorblind-Natalie Walker

still letting go...

2011-12-01T10:20:00.002-07:00

when words won't do...

2011-11-28T23:27:00.003-07:00

...music does...

.

sometimes I wonder...

2011-11-27T15:47:00.007-07:00

I've learned a lot this weekend. I've learned that I
1) don't flirt,
2) don't understand adult humor,
3) don't understand most normal humor,
4) that if ever I am a distressed damsel, I usually have to take care of the problem by myself because I'm either afraid to ask for help or asking for help would be pointless, and
5) that I'm socially bashful and on many occasions very awkward.

How do I know this? Well, either someone told me or, after noticing patterns in my life, I came to the conclusions myself.

Last night I went to a play with my parents. It was supposed to be a comedy buuuuuuut I wasn't laughing. Why? Because I didn't get any of the jokes. My parents were both laughing their heads off, as were most of the people in the audience. Not me though. That was a weird start to the night, being the only one who didn't get the jokes. Heck, even the 12-year-old kid whose dad was in the show was laughing! Sometimes I wonder...

This particular group of friends has a tradition of going to IHOP after a show, whether they performed in it or not. The three families (mine, the Carrascos, and the Poulsens with Jaden who is their cousin) made a sort of caravan over to the nearest IHOP and we, as usual, took up three tables. I sat with the younger people, me being the oldest at nearly 20 and the youngest being 11 (who I met when she was 9 months old). On the other end sat the real grown-ups, or at least age wise. I'm not sure about the maturity level...lol.

As I sat with the kids, one of them being one of my best friends (Jaden), I didn't understand half of what they were talking about! Their jokes and comments and such just went over my head. Or sometimes I got the gist of it, but I didn't want more than the gist because I could feel my cheeks burning (as Mitchell so kindly pointed out several times). To top it off, Mitchell started giving me advice about boys. And a lot of the advice sounded rather sound, too. For nearly twenty minutes I received relationship advice from a 12-year-old. A TWELVE year old! What is WRONG with me?! Sometimes I wonder...

So, I don't get adult jokes. So, I don't get teenage jokes, either. So, I'm the only one besides the 11-year-old who can't claim to have some sort of relationship, though I'm not sure if it counts for them or not. I mean...how lame is it to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend when all you can do is hang out at recess, and you have to ask your mom to drive you over to his or her house to hang out? You can't even go on a date because you don't have any money! So, why do these things bother me so much when none of them really matter? So what? Whatever the what is, it seems to mean a lot more to me than it should.

It was an awkward night for me. It's been an awkward weekend, to be honest. Not to mention this morning that I got super dizzy in the shower, thought I was going to throw up, and suddenly found myself on the ground wondering what the heck happened.

My sister Meghan has always (and I mean always) conveniently passed out while surrounded by strapping young men who carry her to a couch, bring her water, and do all sorts of heroic acts to make the distressed damsel comfortable. Me? I pass out in the shower. There is nothing dignified or romantic about that. Sometimes I wonder...

And, yes. Someone told me I don't flirt and that I'm socially bashful and often awkward. Gee...thanks for that. Now that I know what my problem is, I'm going to go read my book. Maybe I'll get lucky and find a Beast to fall in love with me...after all, he does have a beautiful rose garden in which I could amuse myself for hours on end. If I take care of his flowers well enough, do you think he'd overlook the bashful awkwardness? I'll take my chances.**

**I'm not bitter. I'm actually making myself laugh...seriously.**

sister shoot...

2011-11-26T11:10:00.003-07:00

Today I'm taking a bit of a risk: I'm posting a teaser of the Christmas gift my sisters and I are giving to our parents. I'm banking on what we'll call facts--I'm not 100% sure that it's fact but close enough! Mom never has time to blog surf, nor does she have the address to my blog. I've given it to her a couple of times, but I think she loses it. Dad doesn't read blogs. He hardly even gets on Facebook. Now watch, the one time I post something I don't want them to see they're going to look at it and the surprise will be ruined, lol. SO mother and father: if you are reading this STOP. Thanks much.

My family hasn't had pictures taken in years. I think the most recent studio photo of my sisters and me is almost ten years old. For Christmas this year, we wanted to give our parents new pictures. My sisters and I got in touch with our good friend Michelle, who is a wonderful photographer, and we went down to the Payson Park to shoot some magics. Here are some of my favorites:

PSherman42WallabyWaySydney...

2011-11-23T23:38:00.002-07:00

No, I'm not watching Finding Nemo right now........haha. ACTUALLY. I am. With my family. Usually during the week of Thanksgiving we have a LOTR marathon, where we watch one extended version each night. However, we watched LOTR this summer when the series was re-released in theaters. This Thanksgiving we're having a Favorite Pixar Movie marathon. So far there hasn't been any fighting when it comes to which movies we're picking. Hopefully it will stay that way!

The bad thing about watching Finding Nemo is that it's making me cry. And that is lame. LAAAAAAAAAAAME.

PSherman42WallabyWaySydneyPSherman42WallabyWaySydneyPSherman42WallabyWaySydney.

Bye-ee.

crazy spiritual weekend...

2011-11-21T22:48:00.006-07:00

LDC with Michael McLean after our first performance of The Forgotten Carols
I am developing a theory. This theory has to do with my personal limitations when it comes to spiritual experiences. I am beginning to believe that due to my spiritual maturity and understanding at this time in my life, I am only able to handle a small amount of spiritual-ness. After a certain point, I reach full capacity. "My cup runneth over" and I am literally unable to process any more. Then come tears that won't stop, the absolute exhaustion of body and mind, and the slight hungover feeling that reminds me of the times when I have accidentally taken too much cough syrup before bed.

This weekend has been incredible when it comes to feeling the Holy Ghost. From Friday morning clear through Sunday night, it's been almost non-stop, body and soul immersion. Much of the time it's been with the same people: Friday at the LDC rehearsal and the afternoon devotional, then with my family and Ann at my sisters' Children of Eden performance. Saturday was LDC's performances in The Forgotten Carols with Michael McLean, so all day was spent rehearsing, performing, and spending time the wonderful choir members. Sunday was LDC's Thanksgiving concert with two other local choirs. Each experience has been incredible...each one has also left me feeling overwhelmed, building on one another until I now feel totally out of it.

This weekend I've been reassured, corrected, comforted, promised, reminded, and blessed multiple times in the past three days. It's literally too much to take in; as Sister Terry says, it's like getting a drink of water from a fire hydrant. WHOOSH!

How is it that something like this can take so much out of you? Usually the Spirit helps us to feel ready to take on the world, and secure in the knowledge that the Lord loves us. I know he loves me, but right now I just feel rather overwhelmed. Almost waterlogged...

Personally I'm very grateful for the experiences of the past three days, even though there are probably some people who could not figure out what was wrong with me when I started crying and couldn't stop (at The Forgotten Carols after our second performance...in short I was a bit of an emotional wreck). I've learned and felt so much. Now to sort it all out and prioritize what I need to change in my life.

Thank you to my wonderful friends and family who were there for me this weekend. To my mom and dad for coming to my performances, bringing me a box of truffles, and buying me a souvenir 20th anniversary CD of The Forgotten Carols (though I'm not supposed to know about that)...thank you. To my sisters for sharing their talents with the community and for coming to the Sunday concert...thank you. To Ann, Brady, Brad, Claire, Amanda, Sean, Kayla, Skyler, Brianna...thank you. (((hugs)))

God is merciful...

2011-11-18T23:57:00.005-07:00

Those of you who read yesterday's post know that I ~~hated~~ highly disliked the new Twilight movie. After a rather restless night I woke up feeling guilty and kind of gross...there were images and feelings that would not get out of my head. I felt like skipping out on the emergency choir rehearsal that was called for this morning because I just felt terrible and wanted to hole up. Then I remembered that I was one of the people who had raised my hand to agree to be to an extra rehearsal. The thought came to mind, What if every single person who agreed to go is thinking the same thing I am and not one of them goes? What if everyone acted as I will? What would a quality person do?

Well. Better late to a rehearsal than not showing up, correct? And seeing as I'd already knowingly made a mistake by going to a movie I was pretty sure I shouldn't see, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to make a second by not being where I'd said I would be.

The rehearsal was, for me, incredible. Being with such wonderful people and singing music that is centered on the Savior was a huge help to getting the images and memories out of my mind. When we went outside to the parking garage and sang one of our numbers (a Puritan hymn that's sung right in the mask of your face, or in your nose while still keeping the sound rounded instead of wide and nasal) I wanted to jump up and down because of the lightness I felt inside.

After that it just got better. Paul Cardall, a famous LDS pianist and speaker, spoke at the Institute devotional. Listening to the music he played and the words that he shared brought me such peace. Near the end of his presentation he played a medley of hymns, starting with "I Stand All Amazed". It then segued into "Come, Thou Fount". I couldn't hold back the tears as I listened to the music and read the scriptures about the Savior that scrolled across the projector above my head. I felt an overflow of peace and love.

Then...it got better. My younger sisters have had the opportunity to perform in their high school's fall musical, Children of Eden. Dallyn Bayles, a famed Broadway performer (has played roles such as Jean Val Jean in Les Miserables and Raoul in The Phantom of the Opera) was featured as Father, or in other words God. He was, as always, fantastic. So were the others.

It wasn't merely the talent of the students and Dallyn that made the show wonderful--it was the Spirit that they brought to their performances. Each performance had a power behind it, one that conveyed the testimonies of each individual in the cast. As the students sang and spoke their parts, you KNEW truth. You FELT truth. For the second time that day I couldn't hold back tears, and this time it wasn't just two or three. It was just short of a cloudburst. The Spirit was so strong, and I felt what I can only call love.

Somehow I feel like I failed a test yesterday. I didn't stand up for my beliefs, for what I know to be true. I was afraid of opinions, of others' thoughts, of others' actions. I let my fear of what people can do get in the way of what I know to be true and right and good. I put my faith not in the Lord, but in what I can do by myself. And what I can do by myself is nothing compared to what I can do when I put the Lord first.

Today I have seen that the Lord is absolutely involved in my life, down to the very tiniest detail. He knows that I messed up. He knows that I am sorry for the mistake I made, for willingly putting myself into a situation that I shouldn't have been found in. He also knows that I want to do better, but I was struggling to remove the guilt and memories from my mind. I am so, so grateful that he cares enough to bring me the peace and calm I needed today. How wonderful it is that instead of getting angry at you for making a mistake he puts his arms around you and helps you to get yourself out again. That's why he's called the Savior. He doesn't condemn or destroy. That's not why he came. He came to help and heal and save. And he does. Every day.

"All praise to the name
of the Father of light,
one who listens and hears
when I call.
Every step He ordains
I shall walk without fear.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall."

okay that was the worst thing I've ever seen...

2011-11-17T23:55:00.008-07:00

5 minutes until "Twilight: Breaking Dawn" is released to the general public of my state. I saw it at 7pm. It was for PartyLand's big pre-premier party that they do with a lot of popular movies that come out. Corporate gave me and the rest of the PartyLand employees free tickets to go and we were all "highly encouraged" to attend. Encouraged being more like guilted into it. So I went, and I got my cute little Twilight grab bag full of candy and coupons and a really fun pretend diamond ring that I couldn't stop playing with. And I watched the movie.

You know what? I hated it.

Seriously, I'm being generous if I give it a 3 out of 10. It was that bad. Sorry all of you Twilight fans out there...I honestly don't care if you liked it or not. If you did, great! You didn't waste your time and I'm happy you had an enjoyable evening. If you're like me, you're sitting there thinking why, when there was the potential for SO MANY other uplifting activities, did I sit through THAT?

The acting? Terrible. Stiff. Definitely ACTED, not portrayed. There is a difference. Yes, Taylor Lautner was decent. And as always, I love the actor who plays Charlie Swan. I don't know his name, but he's the only one I believe every time he's onscreen. Everyone else is just so stiff and dry and clearly repeating lines they memorized. Especially the wolves. And the Cullens. And the two leads. And...um, everyone. Terrible, terrible.

The music? Only part of the movie that actually held my interest, honestly. I was bored ten minutes into the movie, so I found myself focusing on the soundtrack and playing with the ring from my goodie bag. Also scoping out the nearest exit signs in case I decided to make a mad dash out of the theater to escape the disaster that was happening onscreen.

The content? Um...yikes. I was actually ashamed of myself for going to that movie. Article of Faith #13: "We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men...If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."

First off, what I actually watched didn't fit the bill. I probably missed half of the movie; I closed my eyes a lot of the time, mentally wondering why the heck I was sitting in that theater and wishing I had the courage to leave while at the same time rationalizing why it was okay for me to stay (no car [although a ride was offered], sitting on the opposite side of the theater from the exit so it would be super awkward [then seeing the one behind me about ten minutes later], worrying I'd trip over my friend sitting next to me [he's probably used to that by now]). It wasn't just the immoral content of the movie. Yes, I KNOW they were married, but honestly that argument is invalid. It was the other gruesome, disgusting, ugly content that has left me five hours later still feeling unsettled and awful.

Overall, it was terrible. I feel terrible. The only really good parts of the night were riding with my cute coworker to the theater in his big red Jeep, sitting next to said cute coworker, making jokes and laughing with the same cute coworker, and the ride to my house with my cute coworker after he offered to take me home.

We spend so much time laughing together that it actually amazes me, especially when I make him laugh really hard. He's a funny guy, always coming up with something witty or sarcastic or clever, so to make him laugh so hard that he almost wrecks the car is a big deal. I really like being friends with him! He's so fun to be with! Not to mention he is flawless in his performance as a gentleman. No awkwardness or hesitation there. He just goes for it and makes it happen. Makes a girl feel special, you know? So thanks, Tracy, for asking him to drive me instead of forcing me to do it myself. You're a gem. :)

PS Funny stories. I'm Coworker 2, he's Coworker 1.

"The Tale of the Ring"
Coworker 1: "Ooo! A diamond ring! Wait...what?! Cubic zirconium?! I feel ripped off!"
Coworker 2: "Cubic zirconium...I thought these rings were just made out of plastic."
Coworker 1: *shakes his head and smirks*
Coworker 2: "Um...is that what cubic zirconium is? Plastic?"
Coworker 1: "Yup."
Coworker 2: "Oh. I didn't know that. Well. I guess I learned something today. Thanks."
Coworker 1: *busts up laughing*

"Remember That One Time You Almost Wrecked Your Jeep?"
Coworker 1: "That was a terrible movie."
Coworker 2: "No kidding. I feel like I have a really bad taste in my mouth that I can't get rid of."
Coworker 1: *laughs so hard Coworker 2 is surprised*

PPS His Jeep is named Sheila. My Saturn is named Sheila. What the heck?

obvious...

2011-11-16T23:42:00.006-07:00

As you know, I'm pretty stupid when it comes to boys. I am almost 100% unable to hide the way I feel. This makes it very difficult for me to act "normally", and it often leads to me blushing like a tomato (as Coty put it yesterday), stuttering, and letting things slip without meaning to.

For example. I have a picture of Steve Rogers (Captain America) on my cell phone as my background. Yes, I'm a little bit obsessed, but at least it isn't Batman. Anyway. Several of the girls at work and I have decided that our only male coworker looks scarily like a thinner version of Steve Rogers. One of the girls (Chelsie, who is totally a Disney princess and is one of the funniest people I've ever met) didn't agree with us until she caught a glimpse of my phone tonight. She thought I'd put our coworker's picture on my phone! Nope. Just good old Steve. Who my coworker happens to look like.

After she decided that he does indeed look like Captain America, we showed him the picture. He did some sort of super hero/model pose and made us laugh our heads off (we do that a lot).

Later I regretted ever showing him because of my more than slight attraction to him. He was using my phone to try and help me figure out some security settings. While working with it, he casually commented that Captain America is quite the attractive man. Then, glancing slyly sideways at me he said "I wish I looked like him."

Words failed me and I blushed so badly that I got a headache.

gratitude...

2011-11-16T00:03:00.003-07:00

I am grateful for friends who...

say hello when they see me coming towards them,

sincerely ask me if I'm doing alright,

provide advice that I might not want to hear even though I need to,

dry my tears,

appreciate that I really am trying my best,

convince me to hang out with them after choir,

wrap me up with them in their jackets when I'm freezing cold,

make me laugh and smile like a maniac with their crazy and silly antics,

nearly tickle me to death while eating lunch at Taco Bell,

share their nachos,

think it's cute and not crazy that I talk to puppies and kittens like I do people,

find my amateur knowledge of betta fish interesting and not nerdy,

smile when I buy special gems for Leonardo's tank,

giggle with me about Captain America,

attack one another with hugs and squeals instead of just saying hello,

scope out the current crush scene,

wait with me to make sure I have a ride,

give wonderful hugs,

encourage me in my goals and dreams,

talk about everything and nothing all at the same time,

apologize for their mistakes and forgive me for mine,

offer to help me get my dress altered for choir,

swap nerdy facts,

call me to share their good news and happiness,

continually inspire me to be better by watching the way they each live.

gratitude...

2011-11-15T11:31:00.000-07:00

I am grateful for coworkers who make me laugh, encourage me in my work, thank me when I do something right, and gently correct me when I make a mistake. I am so glad to know that they care about me and that they are real friends, not just people who I run a store with.

I am grateful for friends who always see the positive side to life, and who remind me that I am worth something.

I am grateful for the space heater my parents gave me, the electric blanket that the Raddatz family gave me, and the various blankets that I've acquired over the years to put on my bed.

I am grateful for teachers who care more about getting the spirit of the message across than making sure that we students know how smart they are.

I am grateful for the many resources that give me access to the words of prophets, past and present. I am also grateful to whomever invented the highlighter.

I am grateful for music of all styles and genres. There is a song for everything--every emotion, experience, dream, every everything. Music is an expression of life.

I am grateful for all of the opportunities I have to learn, grow, experience, and become.

remembering to forget...

2011-11-14T23:09:00.003-07:00

It's dark outside. Everyone at home is either asleep, doing homework, or otherwise too busy to talk. Same with everyone not at home. In both cases that's totally fine, because I honestly wouldn't know what to say if I were to begin a conversation about what's on my mind.

Blocked. Yep. I did it. Finally.

My thoughts and feelings seem somewhat disconnected. Everything is jumping around, touching on something here and flitting to something there. Right now I'm mostly cold...very cold. And inside I don't feel afraid or nervous. Just contemplative, somewhat curious, and relieved.

Sometimes taking the seemingly impossible step is the thing that brings you relief. I get the feeling that this isn't over yet, but it's getting closer.

almost funny...

2011-11-14T08:21:00.001-07:00

I laughed way harder at this than I should have.

missing...

2011-11-13T16:05:00.003-07:00

Like a night with no moon, or
a spring with no rain.
Like a song with no sound, or
a man with no name.

Like a rose with no thorns, or
a lamp with no flame.
Like a kite with no tail, or
a flag with no wave.

Like a wish with no hope, or
a crime with no shame.
Like a heart with no beat, or
a break with no pain.

sometime's perfect happens...

2011-11-12T13:37:00.007-07:00

And when it's this kind of perfect, it puts all other perceptions of perfect to shame.

For fear of embarrassing this beautiful lady, I'll keep this short. She got engaged last night, and every time I think about it I start to cry. Not because I'm unhappy about it, but because I'm so happy about it that I can't stand it! Brianna and Matt are just their own kind of perfect. They are both such good, kind, honest, spiritual people. They've going to be a team now that will be incredibly strong. I'm so excited to see how their lives turn out! I bet they'll be an unstoppable force for good, because as separate individuals they are. Double that and you're talking about amazing potential!

As I talked with Brianna about this (and still am talking about it, she just doesn't know that I'd been working on this post for about 20 minutes before we go started), she said that this is a fairytale, being with Matt for eternity. And it is! Who better to author your fairytale than the Lord? This gospel is so true. It's so happy and hopeful. We are SO. LUCKY.

I love you, my beautiful friend! You are one of the best friends I have ever had in my life, and I am so excited for you to take this step in your fairytale. Thank you for your example to me in all parts of you life. You are wonderful!

There is perfection out there, people. Not the world's view of "perfect". But with God, all things are possible. With God, even a fairytale becomes a reality.

answered...

2011-11-10T10:34:00.000-07:00

Now that I've written out all of the fears and worries, I've been able to think more clearly. That helps sometimes, to talk or write out all of the things going on inside. Then they're trapped on paper so I can examine them. You can take a step back from the problem and pray about the things you wrote down, and answers come.

It took me awhile to get this answer. It was given to me yesterday, but I guess I was too afraid to take it at face-value. Who, though, needs to fear when the answer you've received is from the LORD? Of all people to believe and trust, who better than he?

As I've been pondering this problem, I remembered what happened yesterday. I have an Institute class on Mondays and Wednesdays every week; it's Dating and Courtship. Something my teacher, Sister Terry, said in class yesterday really stood out to me. We were talking about how we naturally filter out potential marriage companions. She compared a marital relationship to a team of oxen pulling weighted sleds. In order to pull well, the teams had to hit the yoke at the exact same time with equal amounts of force. If one or both oxen hit at different times or with unequal force, the teams would veer off to one side and the sleds wouldn't move at all.

Sister Terry told us that she talks to a lot of young women who have found themselves in relationships where the two people didn't pull together. Often times, the young women was pulling the young man along with her, and it was painful for the girl to put so much effort and receive so little in return. She said that for a woman, there can be several red flags that will save a lot of time and heartache: "If you find yourself thinking, 'I can help him', then it's probably not going to be a good relationship. Both people have to have the same values, to be 'equally yoked', to take on a problem at the same time with the same force and determination. Otherwise if you hit that yoke at different times with different degrees of force, it's going to hurt."

Sister Terry acknowledged that many girls want to help young men, and sometimes we really can make a difference. However, we are NOT to be their saviors. Referring to a man who is struggling, she said "He already has a savior. That person is not you."

What an incredible thought. I barely had time to think about the complete truth behind this and apply it to my own life before she hit me with her next statements about how it is absolutely unnecessary for a woman to risk her safety, happiness, and well-being to help a man who cannot or will not help himself.

Then, after flipping through memories in my mind fast enough to turn a 4G network connection into dial-up, she said this:

"The Lord will never sacrifice his daughters to save his sons."

Deep breath. Sincere prayer. Remember blessings. Apply lessons. Do this.

strung out...

2011-11-10T01:05:00.004-07:00

This is a two part post.

Part 1: Today I went on a date. On Monday, Sean casually mentioned to Kevin that I would be free to double on Wednesday afternoon if Kevin were inclined to ask me. So Kevin did. May I say that this was one of the most fun dates I have ever been on?

It started out with the boys blindfolding the girls and leading them around one of the buildings and outside on campus. Since Kevin was my date, he blindfolded me and made sure I didn't fall down any stairs, crash into any walls, or otherwise do anything very embarrassing or painful. I'll admit that when I first saw the blindfold I was scared to death. There was a lot of trust necessary, and that's been kind of hard for me of late (or the past two years) when it comes to men. However, the second Kevin put his hands on my shoulders to guide me, I felt a feeling of total calm and reassurance come over me that I could trust him.

That reassurance was incredible. At once I felt safe and completely the opposite of awkward. I was able to be myself without feeling the need to apologize for everything I said or did! It was amazing!

Kevin is very fun and very creative. Our little adventure through the Institute building went something like this: through a cave (the basement) to the castle moat (outside in a stairwell), passed the dragon (the vents in the parking garage), through a dungeon (the elevator), through a forest thicket (fake trees), under a bridge (a door that he knocked on to make it sound like there was a board I needed to crawl under when there really wasn't), and over a waterfall (more stairs). After getting through all of these obstacles, we made it to our first clue. Let the search for treasure begin!

The other girl wasn't as familiar with the campus as I was, so figuring out and finding the clues fell to me. Kevin and Sean were no help (except when I surprised Kevin with my "brilliant observations" as he called them and he accidentally let something slip). I felt kind of bossy...Kevin didn't mind though. He kept laughing at me, especially when I got a little frustrated and girlishly stamped my foot when he refused to give me a hint.

The final clue led us to the treasure, which consisted of a small blue cooler placed near the fountain in the middle of the Student Center courtyard. Upon opening it, Megan and I found gold coins (some plastic and others chocolate), Lindorf truffles, and two cans of silly string. I asked Kevin which color he liked better, blue or orange, and he said blue. "Good. Can I spray you with it?" I asked him. "I don't know, can you?" he said, while pulling out two of his own spray cans and attacking me with them.

Good grief, that was so much fun! The whole date was a blast, but seeing him whip out those cans was hilarious! He was totally ready for it. I had to work hard to keep from getting totally covered in that stringy stuff. I haven't had that much fun in a long time! In short, it was one of the most epic dating experiences I've ever had. Honestly, I wouldn't mind going out with him again. Kevin is one awesome guy!

Part 2: Aries has been trying to get in touch with me for the past two weeks.
Every time I've kind of shut the door on him (gently). It was easy at first, but all of the sudden I want to talk to him SO. BAD. I just want to go back to him and say I'm sorry that I wasn't friends with him again right away and that I miss him and want it to be the way it used to be. I want to so badly that it literally hurts.

Then I had a thought that has been puzzling me. Why the heck do I want to go back to being friends (or even something more) with a guy who treated me terribly? I'm so frustrated with this, be it normal or otherwise. I don't understand why he keeps coming back, and why I was doing so great at just being distant and now bam: I want his friendship.

At the same time that I want to talk to him or see him, I don't understand how he can expect me to be "best friends" with him again after all he did. I don't know why he says he can't get over me. I don't know why I want him back after the things he did! It's stupid!

It really does hurt. Physically, mentally, emotionally. It's like breaking into pieces, fighting to breathe, smashing your fingers in a drawer. The worst part is that I would really like to burst into tears but I can't. That sounds weird and super girly, but it's the truth.

A friend I talked to about this last night asked me what I want. I don't know what I want. I say that I want to be able to tell him to leave me alone, or that someone could help me to do that. I say I want him out of my life because each time he comes back is more painful than it was before.

I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Right now I'm more afraid of myself. I'm afraid I'll get myself into trouble on a stupid whim because I might not be strong enough to resist this ridiculous pull.

gratitude...

2011-11-08T10:52:00.003-07:00

I am grateful for a friend who, upon finding out that I hadn't been asked to the Institute dance on Friday, offered to take me even though dancing isn't really his thing.

I am grateful for coworkers who never cease to make me laugh, and not just at their jokes. They are teaching me to laugh at myself.

I am grateful for the loyal, kind, sincere women in my life who are and are becoming the best friends I have ever (and probably will ever) have.

I am grateful for the lessons I learn from the children I am privileged to associate with, and for the love that they give without question or hesitation.

I am grateful for a friend who let me call him on the phone just to have his company because I ended up not being able to talk at all through the tears.

I am grateful for missionary friends who take the time out of their busy, busy, busy lives to write me a letter.

I am grateful for a dad who rearranges his entire day's schedule to take me to a movie with him.

I am grateful for a teacher who knows that there are more important things than singing well; the most important thing is to live well.

I am grateful for a mom who has continually given up her schooling to take care of her family, but she never gave up enough to not go back (she'll earn her degree in a year and a half).

I am grateful for a little dog who wakes me up every morning at 8am by scratching on my bedroom door because she doesn't want to be alone after everyone else has left for work and school, then jumps up onto my bed and cuddles up next to me.

I am grateful for sisters who do their best to be their best in every situation or setting they are found in, be it work, school, rehearsal, church, home, or hanging out with their friends.

October top 10...

2011-11-05T23:24:00.000-06:00

Kiss Me Slowly-Parachute
Someone Like You-Adele
Easy-Rascal Flatts
Mr. Know-it-All-Kelly Clarkson
Forget About You-Jojo
Hey Mama-Matt Carney
Crawling Back to You-Daughtry
Not Over You-Gavin DeGraw
When We Stand Together-Nickelback
Don't Want this Night to End-Luke Bryan

2011-11-03T14:17:00.003-06:00

There was a time when I didn't know what happiness was. Happiness: the variable in my life that continually remained undefined. Then all of the sudden life turned upside down. Instead of a daily struggle to even get out of bed, it turned into heaven with only the occasional bump in the road.

For days I've been hit by sadness, but I haven't known why. Everything is well and truly great in my life, so I've been trying to figure out what the heck is going on. Usually I'm so super happy that it's weird to me. Honestly, sometimes it freaks me out how good I feel. So this unhappiness...I don't know where it comes from. Possible factors: an overwhelming feeling of loneliness; a feeling of being back into a corner with no place left to go; being unable to keep up with a house that needs to be kept clean and organized; insincerity.

None of those things seemed like the most probable cause for this feeling of deep sadness. They contribute, yes, but it's easy to get over those. Those factors will hit for an hour or so and it's back to happiness and joy! Then all of the sudden there will be an out of nowhere crash into this sadness that is literally painful. It's the kind of pain in your chest that makes it hard to breath. Sometimes I find myself wrapping my arms around myself as tight as I can to stop the strange, shaky, weakness because it really does hurt. It's a feeling of vulnerability and fear and crumbling to nothing.

A friend of mine had an interesting thought. She said that maybe I'm sad because I'm so happy most of the time. Now before you think this is insane, let me explain: there has never been a time in my life when I was able to be happy or content with anything. No matter how hard I tried, happiness was always just out of reach. It was like trying to drink water with your hands. You got a taste, but before you could drink it all, the water trickled through your fingers to the ground, turning the dirt to mud. That taste wasn't enough to quench an incredible thirst, and each tiny taste was enough to drive you crazy.

I wonder if my friend is right. For so long I was getting sips of happiness without ever being rid of the thirst for true joy. Lately I seem to be immersed in happiness. Instead of being satisfied and content with all of the goodness, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle it, and I'm drowning.

Drowning isn't pleasant. Neither is being thirsty. Not sure how to balance the two yet...

psychic...

2011-10-30T21:24:00.003-06:00

Okay, so maybe I'm not psychic. I just know some people very well, so I can predict their behavior in a way that would make me appear to be psychic when in reality I just spent a lot of time with those people. I just like to seem cooler than I really am. No big deal. :P

As some people know, I've been waiting around for somebody to pop back into my life with an apology of some sort followed by a request for things to go back to how they used to be. Sure enough, I received a seemingly heartfelt apology a couple of days ago, with an attached request for forgiveness. Aries and I had a nice conversation about nothing in particular, because I didn't really want to answer right away. Finally I told him that I wasn't sure what to do about anything. I told him that I agreed with everything he'd said in his apology (except for the part where he said he didn't know what we'd been fighting about...he should have known! I only told him three or four times. Not that it matters anymore), but I didn't know what to do yet.

In short, I was stalling for time to come up with an answer. Should I tell him to jump off a cliff? That was a suggestion and a consideration, but no. Unkind. Should I ignore him completely? Also suggested and considered, but no. Also unkind. I wanted to make sure that I did the RIGHT thing! So I waited, and I thought about it, and I asked for earthly and heavenly help to come up with the right thing to do.

As predicted, Aries didn't give me much time to formulate an answer. He's a 3 days or less kind of guy through and through, whereas I can think about something for a month or more before I feel like I have it just right. He sent me a text a couple of days ago asking if I had an answer for him yet. After saying a little prayer (a helping prayer, as one of my primary students calls them), I felt that it was best to tell him what I talked to my coworkers and a friend about earlier this week. I told him that I do forgive him (which is true), and that we can be casual friends, but any other feelings are gone. I can't give him anything more than that.

Second prediction came true, when he came back with an attempt at a guilt trip. He didn't like the term "casual friends" and said something along the lines of "So I really did lose my best friend..."

Really? He lost his best friend? No way! Shocking.

I don't understand why he doesn't seem to get it. I don't see how he can just expect everything to go back to "normal" and for me to be there for him like I was before. Usually people who put their hand on a stove and get burned don't touch it ever again, even if the knob is turned to 'off'. You just learn not to touch the stove, and if someone told you to do it you don't touch the stove! You learned the hard way and got burned. Why risk it again?

That last paragraph sounds a little bit irritated/anxious. To tell the truth, I'm not super anxious about this whole thing. I've actually felt a lot of peace throughout this current episode. I've been able to refer back to emails from a few trusted friends who have been involved from the very start, and I have several friends who are familiar with this rather long drawn-out story. Most of them only know the medium-sized nutshell (it's kind of a big nut to crack and explain!), but everyone says similar things: forgive him, but don't forget what I have learned.

I really do forgive him. I'm not even very afraid of him anymore (mostly...less afraid would be a better term). If he keeps coming back, fine. He'll just get the same answer. Not only that, but so many people know about him now that he can't get away with anything. There are too many ears and eyes watching this situation for me to be manipulated again. Ann would probably smack me upside the head and then go after him (she's a true redhead, but only when she needs to be). Parker and the girls from work have offered their help if I need it. I don't even want to imagine what Ruthie would say to him! Sister Raddatz and her family are there for me. My sisters and my parents are also aware of what is going on. Several other friends know about it, whether they are from choir, still at MV, or live farther south (Jaden and Kayla and Steven, that would be you).

This time I'm not as alone as I was before. Last time I kept some things a secret because I was afraid and shy, and even a little embarrassed. I didn't want to be "found out", if you want to call it that. Sure, I talked about it. But I didn't tell people about everything that was happening until later on. Now I've learned better that if you can't have a relationship like Elder Holland's, where he wants to shout about it from the rooftops to the entire world, then you better not have that relationship. It applies to friendship as well. If it's a secret, it shouldn't happen.

This has been a novel, I'm sorry. I hope I was able to handle this in a gentle but firm way. I've been honest with Aries. I hope I was kind enough in that. Now it's out of my hands, and it's up to him to take the offer or to walk away. That's all I can offer him. If he wants more than what I can give, then sadly he can't have much of a friendship.

I hope that this is over. I want it to be over. It's gone on long enough. It's time to move on. I get the feeling that it probably won't be over for awhile, but I also get the feeling that as long as I do my best to live well and ask for guidance that it will be fine.

Thank you to those who have been helping me with this. You have been absolutely, 100% vital. I owe you all Lifesavers. After all, you are what you eat. ;)

start of something new...

2011-10-30T17:18:00.007-06:00

Last week I went on a date and bought a book of recipes. I have to admit I am now a little more excited about the book than the date; Sean and I are great friends, and we have fun together, BUT! The book is a recipe for cake bites. There are 101 recipes in this book. What is NOT exciting about cake bites?!

This book came home with me and keeps me occupied for hours at a time. For example: I like to read through the different recipes and make plans as to when I can make something new and when I can purchase the ingredients I don't have. I'm creating a kind of schedule for special ones to try, especially since the holidays are coming up and I want to be able to make some for my family/close friends. These little treats are so much fun to make! You don't even have to do them all in one day, which is awesome.

I've only made one batch so far, and now that I know what I did wrong I expect to be able to do much better in the future! I didn't make any super huge mistakes--the cake bites are very much edible and very, very cute. I know now though that it's best to use only the amount of frosting that the recipe calls for (one cup as opposed to all three), that chocolate really will melt on low (patience!), and that it is best to freeze cake bites on a cookie sheet that is covered in wax paper to keep the cakes from sticking to or staining the pan (oops).

Here are my little Halloween ghosties! Feast your eyes on these (mint chocolate cake bites shaped like ghosts, dipped in melted vanilla flavored almond bark and decorated with glitter black and orange edible gel):

I also spent the week getting a treat ready for my primary students. I wanted to do something special for them since it's a Halloween holiday weekend, so I went to the local Dollar Tree and stocked up on items to fill a few Halloween goodie bags. They turned out way better than I expected them to! It was so much fun to put these together. Picking out the items and making each bag was very happy making. The kids were all so good today! I don't know if that's because I'm finally getting this teaching thing, or if it was the bribery...

it's been a week already???

2011-10-29T21:41:00.003-06:00

Wow! All of my days are totally running together. I can barely keep track of when it's supposed to be Monday and when it's supposed to be the weekend. I think that comes in part from working Thursday-Saturday and having a day off on Tuesday. It seems to make the week a little choppy for me, which is causing me to lose track of days and what order they roll around the calendar in.

This week in particular has been crazy. I didn't get nearly as much done as I would have liked to, but I did get some of the stuff finished up. Or nearly finished...

Now a worry: BYU tuition is due soon. Do I have enough to pay mine? No. I almost have half of it. I don't know where the other half is going to come from. *sigh* I'll get it figured out. Not sure how to at this point, but I'll figure it out.

Okay. This week is over. I'm going to bed now. Peace.

today was a jackpot kind of day...

2011-10-27T01:02:00.003-06:00

I can't get through a shift at work without seeing at least 2 people I know. Today, I saw 7 or 8 people I know and got to catch up with the ones I haven't seen for awhile. It was very awesome!
When you work retail, you meet a lot of people. Some of them aren't so awesome. Today was an awesome-people day though. One woman I met is serving a part-time mission with her husband at an addiction rehabilitation center, and she loves it! She was so super happy about it that it made me want to serve some sort of mission even more. I really enjoyed talking to her.
Another woman was just as awesome; she seems to be super into eye color and was talking to me about the Edward Cullen cardboard figure's eyes. Hers are about the color of the "vegetarian vampire gold", as she described it. Then she noticed the color of my eyes and said that the color is "an incredibly interesting sort of blue" and that "the pattern of your eyes is like snowflakes! You have snowflake eyes!" Her daughter said the same thing after she led me by the wrist to where the girl was, saying that my eyes look like "lacy snowflakes". That made me feel really good. Lol, the whole conversation was a total what the random moment, but how awesome is it to just be able to connect with people and talk to them easily? That never happens to me, and now it is and I don't know why but I LOVE it! I really liked those people that I met today! They were so cool!
4 words: pumpkin cheesecake ice cream.
BYU registration opened up for me today, and I was able to get every single class that I needed/wanted! Seriously, registering at the Y is like playing the lottery. With thousands of students trying to register, you're lucky to get half of the classes you want. I don't know how I managed to get them all! I'm glad that my numbers were good!
PAYCHECK!!
Since today is Wednesday, I wrote to Jordan. I wanted to do something different with the letter because it's going to be Halloween soon, so I went into the old Microsoft Works program that's on the computer upstairs and found some clip art files. Then I made stationary! I put a cute little pumpkin with candy pieces surrounding it in left hand corner of the page and printed a couple of sheets off. Then I put lined paper under the white paper so the writing would be straight. Presto! Home-made stationary for my best missionary friend! I hope he likes it.
The truck that almost hit me tonight didn't hit me. It just almost hit my car.
ALL of my new favorite songs played on the radio at some point during the day! That is one of the best things that can happen during a 24-hour period.
Having good friends and good people in each area of your life is so awesome. There are good people in my Dating & Courtship class. There are good people in LDC. There are good people at work. There are good people in my family. There are good people in my group of friends and acquaintances and neighbors. There are good people who I don't even know! Good people = ultimate jackpot.

primary...

2011-10-23T22:24:00.004-06:00

I teach primary in my home ward. I'm part of the junior primary, with ages 3 through 8 years old. Working with the kids is so super fun. They're all so bright and happy and lovely, with such an innocence and a thirst to learn. Yes, sometimes they get bored and wiggly and it can really drive me crazy, but each week I teach it becomes more of a joy. Not to mention that the kidlets are so stinkin' hilarious! They're so cute! For example. Today in singing time we were learning a song about prayer. Here's the story:

Primary music leader: "What is an important part of prayer? Can you tell me? It starts with an 'F' ".
Child 1: "Uhhhhh...FISH!"
Child 2: "Well, no. No, not fish."

The word they were looking for was faith, but when you're 4 that's kind of a tricky word and concept to grasp. Fish just makes more sense, I suppose!

After singing time, I take my students to our classroom and we have a lesson on a principle of the gospel (see LDS.org for further information). My class is the 7 turning 8 year-olds, and it seems that every single week I get a new student. I started out with 9 children, 7 of whom came frequently. I am now up to 13 on my roll, with 10 or 11 who come on a regular basis. I have the biggest primary class in the junior and senior primary, and I teach by myself. For an almost 20-year-old, never had any children college student, it's quite the undertaking! It's especially difficult when one or two of the boys in class decide that they don't want to participate, and that because they don't they're going to be rowdy and disrupt everyone else. That's hard. Sometimes I feel like I spend more time disciplining than I do teaching.

Despite the challenge, I find that the more students I have in the class, the more I love to teach them. Each child has so much to offer! Every single one of them has such an interesting view of the world, and if given a chance, each one will open up and share their perspective. I learn something new from the kids every week. It's fascinating, exhilarating, and continually gives me hope for the world and for myself. Here's a story about one of the boys:

Today in primary we were talking about how to stay pure, and what kind of things influence us. We were using salt and pepper to decide whether things were pure or not; I showed the children a handful of pure salt, and then added pepper to it to make it "dirty" and impure. Pretty soon the terms to describe somethings purity were like this: "Hm...yeah, that movie is salty. It's okay to watch that one!" or "Well, this game is kind of violent, so I suppose it's more peppery."

We spent several minutes discussing different types of entertainment, and rating them on their salty or peppery content. The next part of the lesson was to talk about personal heroes. I asked the kids to think of their hero and to decide whether or not their chosen hero was a good one. After all of the questions I asked about a hero, such as "Does your hero swear?" and "Does your hero keep the law at all times?" one of the boys said, "Yeah...my hero matches that. Because my hero isn't from a movie or a book or a game or a TV show. My hero is my mom."

Does that just make your heart melt?! Good heavens, I actually teared up a little bit when he said that. The look on his face--he totally adores his mom.

I also teared up when two of my girls came to talk to me for a bit. One of them commented that I was helping her and the other students be pure because I was teaching them how to live the gospel. Then she came up to where I was standing at the front of the room and started playing with my braid (my hair is really long for her to be able to reach it!) and said, "And she's really pretty and she's smart and she always makes sure we're happy and learning good things." Then at the end of the lesson, another little girl brought me a picture she'd drawn on the back of the CTR (Choose the Right) handout I had for the kids. "Look! It's a picture of you, teacher, all in red because of your jacket and look, here's the book you always hold! I'm going to take it home and put it on my fridge so I can see you every day!"

*choked up*

Having a child to love is such an incredible blessing. When you get to watch them grow and learn, and you get to be a part of their lives...it's one of the greatest things that you could ever imagine. These kids aren't mine, but I love them as if they were! And being loved in return by a child...wow. That is pure, true, salty love, without a bit of pepper in it!

it's a date...

2011-10-21T23:18:00.003-06:00

Today I went on my first date in the past 6 months. The last time I went on a date was when I was spending a lot of time with Aries. Since then I just haven't wanted to go out with anyone, even people who I know I would have a good time with. I was really hesitant about this whole thing, but my dear friend Kayla (an LDC first year who is quickly becoming a forever friend) just set it up and told me to find someone to bring in our group. And so I did! I asked one of my friends from choir, Sean, who I've known for a little over a year now. He's one of the few people I would trust with my life, and coming from me that's saying a lot!

Holy heck, this date was a BLAST. Kayla and I discovered that we really CAN use the grid system while on our way to pick up the guys. We also learned that the grid system does not seem to apply to apartment complexes, and that Sean is color blind...he texted me that he lived "in the big blue apartment building" that is, in fact, brown. Not even gray-blue. It's brown. We had a good laugh about that one.

Our activity for the afternoon was a super simple, super fun, super inexpensive one. Here's the gist of it:

Walmart Pick-Up Game
Object of the game:
Fill carts with random items and then be able to put back as many of another couples' items as you can before the time is up. Winner has the fewest number of items left.

Items needed:
-Each couple needs some sort of clock or timer with an alarm--a cell phone will do just fine
-A large cart--Walmart will supply this for you

How to play:
Go to Walmart with a group of two or more couples (even numbers of couples, and not too many or it'll be crazy).

Each couple gets one cart. Establish a base in some part of the store, like near the photo center, the shoes, the electronics, etc. Once this is set, you have 30 minutes to go through the store as a couple with your cart, finding a designated number (we did 35) of the most random, obscure items you can find to put into your cart. The other key: stay away from the other couples! You don't want them to see where you've been or what you have. After you have 35 items, return to the base with your items.

Now that all of the couples have returned, SWITCH CARTS with another couple. Each couple needs to set a timer for 10 minutes; you have 10 minutes to put as many of the items in your new cart back as you can. After a coundown of "3, 2, 1, GO!", all of the couples head off at the same time to get started. Go through the store putting away the items as you go, but do it fast (don't run though--you don't want to get kicked out of the store). Once the time is up you have to return to the base with all of the remaning items.

When everyone is back, count the remaining items in your cart and compare with the other couples. The team with the least number of items is the winner (if you like you can decide beforehand on a prize of some sort)! Then switch the carts back so that your team has the cart you started the game with. Return all of the items that you found. Meet up at the front of the store to return the carts and you're done! Game over.

This was super fun. Super, super fun! I got to know Sean a little better, and we got to play a silly game that was actually pretty intense! It's amazing how quickly ten minutes goes by. You'd be surprised. I sure was!

Yay for cheap date ideas! The Walmart thing was free (except for the cookbook I've been wanting for months that I saw and had to buy--I am SO excited!), and lunch wasn't expensive at all! We went to Noodles & Company on Kayla's recommendation, and I believe that she is a genius. It was so good! Well priced, too. For two people it was only about $14, and the food was really good and very filling. Perfect, yeah? Yeah!

So much fun. I loved it. :)

pin it...

2011-10-21T00:01:00.003-06:00

Yep. I did it. I followed the rising trend and got a Pinterest account. Do I love it? Why, yes. Yes I do! And am I actually learning things from it? Why, yes. Surprisingly...I am! See, look what I found: a recipe for Baked Pumpkin Spice Donut Holes (or more like itty bitty muffins)! I decided to make them when I got home from work, and I DID! See?!

Now the reason why I'm so excited about this (and Pinterest as well) is because I have always been a rather non-talented maker of food, whether baking or cooking or even just opening a bag of cereal. I kind of struggle. Seeing all of this stuff on Pinterest has kind of inspired me to try my hand at learning how to do some of this stuff, especially when it comes to cooking. So far I've tried two recipes, and they both turned out really well! And there are other things to "pin" to a "board" as well, like quotes and sayings, photographs, places to travel to, clothes (a particular favorite of mine), and lots of other stuff. It's so much fun! I have so many ideas for things now, I don't even know what to do with them but PIN! Because after that, I can always come back to it later.

So, the donut holes that are really more like mini muffins. These are super easy to make, and they're actually really good. I'll share the recipe with you (I've doctored it up a bit because the first batch had a bit too much cinnamon when it was rolled, so I changed it for the second go around) and you can try it, too!

Baked Pumpkin Spice Donut Holes (yes, baked--it's healthier!)
For donuts:
1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoons salt
1/2 teaspoons cinnamon
1/2 teaspoons nutmeg
1/2 teaspoons allspice
1/8 teaspoons ground cloves
1/3 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3/4 cup canned plain pumpkin (not pie filling)
1/2 cup low fat milk (not that it matters, it's just healthier that way)
For coating:
1/2 stick unsalted butter, melted
1/3 cup granulated sugar
1 tablespoon cinnamon

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Generously grease a 24-cup mini muffin tin (you don't have to have a 24-cup one, I used two 12-cup tins and greased them with shortening to keep the muffin bites from sticking).

In a medium mixing bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice, and cloves.

In a large mixing bowl, combine the oil, brown sugar, egg, vannilla, pumpkin, and milk until smooth (I used an electric beater because I can, haha).

Add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients and stir until combined. Be careful not to overmix the batter (I don't know what that means, so just mix it until it looks right to you! My batter didn't have any clumps or streaks of the dry ingredients. If that's overmixed, well, they still turned out fine!)

Divide the batter evenly among the muffin cups (about 1/2-2/3 of the way full). Bake for 10 to 12 minutes or until the muffins pass a toothpick test.

While those are cooking:
Make the coating! Melt the stick of butter in a smallish bowl, depending on what you have. In a separate bowl, stir together the sugar and cinnamon.

Now that the muffins are done:
Remove the muffins from the oven and allow to cool until they can be easily handled. Dip only the top of each muffin into the butter, then dip into the cinnamon sugar to coat.

Presto! You're done! Just as a heads up, these are good with milk, hot chocolate, and apple cider. So...yeah! Happy baking! (And pinning. ;) )

adviced out...

2011-10-17T23:25:00.003-06:00

I am a very lucky person. I have many people who care about me and who take the time out of their lives to talk about the things that are going on in mine. There's a feeling of comfort that comes from knowing that there are people you can go to when you're in trouble, or when you have a super exciting bit of news, or when you need to go get ice cream. It's especially comforting to know that people are willing to listen and discuss the personal things that most others will never know about.

While I am so blessed to have so many people who I can count as friends, I am being 100% honest when I say this: I am adviced out.

As much as I appreciate people wanting to help me solve the problems and calm the worries that I have, I don't really want advice anymore. There's been so much good advice given, and yeah, some not so good, and I'm so glad that people were interested enough to help me. But now that I have all of this advice, I don't know what to do with it. There are so many ideas and so many possible solutions. There are multiple combinations of wisdom and knowledge that can be put together in trial and error fashion to come to a solution. I try to do that. Really. For some reason though, I can't find the energy or will-power to do so.

Right now I don't want advice. Is that super ungrateful? All I want is for someone to listen, someone willing to not talk and to just listen. I find myself wishing that there was someone who I could tell everything to, and who would be content with just knowing. Perhaps just a person to be with. Just to be. Even if that means simply listening to the silence of two people sitting and sharing the experience of learning one another's hearts.

flying solo...

2011-10-16T21:39:00.007-06:00

Right now I'm feeling like I'm forever destined to be "the best friend". Which is okay, and is quite fulfilling, actually. Who wouldn't want to have a group of awesome, wonderful best friends? However...seeing all of these friends in relationships...and I don't have one...and I've never really had a legit one...sometimes that's a little hard.

Don't get me wrong, at this point in my life, the last thing I want is a relationship! Seriously, I think that'd be a mistake. And, being honest, I don't really want to do couple things. Like kissing, for example. Um...who came up with that? The logistics of it are just weird. Freaks me out, really.

Even knowing those things though, it's sometimes lonely to see all of these people paired off and super happy to be together, especially since I'm one of the only people in my close group of friends who isn't in a relationship (or who has never been kissed for that matter). At the same time I kind of scoff at having a relationship of my own, I catch myself smiling when I see a guy kiss a girl on the forehead or when a couple walks across campus hand in hand. Awwwwww. Then a split second later I'm deep in thought about what it would be like, then mentally shaking myself back to reality. NO BOYS. Bad idea right now.

Being single is fun! It really is. There's a lot of freedom, and there's a lot less to worry about. At least considering the only "relationship" I've ever been in, which was never quite a relationship but was about to be. Man...I was an idiot. So yeah, compared to that, being single is so much better. No commitment, no being tied down, no being trapped, and a lot less fear that someone you've invested a lot in is going to change his mind or turn out to be someone completely opposite of what he projected himself to be. I mean, if you were only ever friends and things go south, no big. There's a lot less heartache that way.

I know this is probably not the healthiest way to look at relationships, but it's where I'm at right now. For me personally, it's safer. I find that I'm easily taken advantage of, but I don't realize it until I've gotten myself in too deep to escape without a great deal of pain. I don't particularly like being taken advantage of. I don't really like getting my heart broken, either.

In the words of David Archuleta:
"Sometimes you just know when to hold on, when to let go. I'm gonna take this moment that I'm in right now, stop this craziness somehow. Leave it all behind me; no one's gonna find me. I've got nothing to win and I've got nothing to lose, just tryin' to walk in my own two shoes. Gonna take the time now. It's time for me to find out who I am."

That's what time it is. Time for me to find out who I am.

weekly poem...

2011-10-16T16:50:00.000-06:00

An Exercise in Love

for Jackson Allen

My friend wears my scarf at his waist
I give him moonstones
He gives me shell & seaweeds
He comes from a distant city & I meet him
We will plant eggplants & celery together
He weaves me cloth

Many have brought the gifts
I use for his pleasure
silk, & green hills
& heron the color of dawn

My friend walks soft as a weaving on the wind
He backlights my dreams
He has built altars beside my bed
I awake in the smell of his hair & cannot remember
his name, or my own.

Diane di Prima

700...

2011-10-15T23:22:00.003-06:00

Wow. It's really post 700 tonight. How the heck did that happen? Oh...right. I'm a post-happy blog writer who just has to write about everything that goes on in her life, regardless of how interesting it may or may not be to everyone in the cyber web of Internet-ness.

Again, wow. But this time because of my weird attitude. I feel weird! As in happy about life but furious and hurt about a part of it. As in excited about the new opportunites that are coming up for me but confused and unsure about things that happened in the past. As in calm about certain situations that are rather ongoing but unsettled about the same ongoing situations. Okay, so not so calm like I was earlier this evening. Definitely more unsettled than calm. *sigh*

I've come along way on this blog since I first started. It's weird to look back to the year I began blogging. I remember the first day: I was at my grandma's house in Flaming Gorge, very bored, so I started a blog. Since then it's been like a journal, a sounding board, an online memory database, among other things.

700. Seven hundred. Seven zero zero. Wow. I am kind of surprised that I lasted this long! Here's to another hundred!

PS Thanks for being here, by the way. Readers make it even more fun and enjoyable. You are awesome. :)

partaaay...

2011-10-13T22:44:00.003-06:00

So I like my job. A lot. It's fun. It's fabulous. It's funtastical. None of it has been too hard for me to learn, and none of it has been too boring for me to deal with. The people are awesome, too. I've been super, super lucky to have good coworkers throughout my employment experiences, but these kids take the prize for most awesome. Seriously.

Half of the time when I'm at PartyLand I forget it's my job. It didn't really even sink in that I'm getting paid for the work that I'm doing. Getting paid? Who gets paid to have this much fun at work? Even on days when I don't want to go to work, by the first hour of my shift I'm happier than I've been the entire day. This job is great!

Now watch, I'll make some horribly stupid mistake or I'll have a run in with a customer and then I won't be so happy after work. But so what?! Right now, it's fun!

Costume day tomorrow. Cross your fingers my skirt doesn't get caught on the ladder like it did last week. Good thing I wore basketball shorts under it...that would have been awkward.

a girl worth fighting for...

2011-10-12T20:32:00.002-06:00

Today LDC performed for the university faculty. Every year the Institute hosts a luncheon for the UVU teachers and employees, and somehow LDC always ends up performing something to fit the theme of the event. Last year we didn't find out until the day before. Brother Eggett came into choir and said, "In a moment of weakness I may or may not have volunteered you all to put on a pirate musical. Tomorrow." So we did it! And it was rather fun.

This year we performed again, only we knew about it about a week in advance. The theme this year had something to do with China, and so we dragged out the kimonos and fans and created a mini production of the Disney movie Mulan. I don't know why the guys have the best songs in that movie. It's about a girl, for heaven's sake!

While I was waiting to perform the "show" a second time, one of the guys in choir came and sat next to me. I'll describe him to you: tall, dark, handsome, intelligent, talented, kind, hilarious, with a smile that stops your heart while simultaneously making you feel like you've just run a marathon. Aka, the kind of guy a girl like me tries desperately NOT to fall head over heals for. He's the only person I've ever met who I cannot look at while I'm frantically trying to form an intelligent sentence. I'll stare at my knees, his shoes, the floor, anything other than that face with the devastating smile. He's also the only man who upon meeting has caused me to forget my own name (true story).

So anyway, this is the guy who comes and sits by me and asks me if I'm okay. I wasn't, because I was really sad and feeling all mixed-up inside, but I didn't want to talk about it for fear of crying and smudging my carefully prepared, very black eyeliner. And then when I explained that, he did the unthinkable: he HUGGED me. And not just a hug: a hold. A longer than 10 second near cuddle while he told me that he'll be there for me anytime I need and that I shouldn't be a stranger because we're friends, and friends help each other when they need it.

When he put his arms around me, I was terrified. Boys do not touch me. I don't like it, and I don't want it. Then he pulled me close and I was even more afraid. For one my face was on fire and I was afraid he'd see it. For another, I didn't want to be that close to someone, anyone. Here's why: the last time I was held by someone of the opposite sex, I was scared of him. The feeling was totally and completely wrong. I hated the way it felt, and I wanted to get away from him, but he wouldn't let me go.

That was what I expected today, and I was immediately ready to run away. Then I realized...the feeling was completely different. With this friend from choir, I wasn't an object of gratification. I wasn't a toy to be used. I was a person, a girl with feelings and thoughts, and he was only showing me that he cared. He wasn't trying to scare me or threaten me. He was being a friend. It's been so long since I felt that around a guy that I didn't even recognize it. It was so weird to go from feeling afraid to completely relaxed, to actually enjoy being shown friendship through a physical touch.

I don't want to be scared anymore. I am, I'll admit it. But I don't want to be. I want to ENJOY choir. I want to keep the close friends I have and to make close relationships with new friends. I want to be able to love others and to trust them and to show them that I care. I want to do for others what my friend did for me, reminding me that there are good, honest, kind people out there.

I want to be a girl worth fighting for. I want to be respected and loved, really loved. I want other girls to feel that way, because they should feel that way. No woman should ever be afraid of what a man might do. No woman should ever feel threatened or used or frightened. She is to be fought for and cared for, not used and dumped aside like a toy that has lost its shine.

Tomorrow is another day. I'm going to make it better than I made today.

boxed in...

2011-10-11T23:09:00.003-06:00

It is again beyond me to write something upbeat and happy. Despite all of the good things that happened today and all of the fun adventures that took place, I can't do it. I have to get it out.

I feel suffocated. I feel like everything is closing in around me, like I've been put into a box that is progressively growing smaller and tighter and darker by the hour. There seems to be no space inside me, and everything is just getting packed tighter and tighter together.

Everything feels like an insurmountable barrier, including getting up in the morning. I do it, only because I have to. It takes me a long time though, sometimes hours, to convince myself to get out of the bed and to get ready for the day. Even then I feel so tired and weary that it takes huge physical and mental effort to even raise my arm or to take a step forward.

No matter how hard I try to feel differently, I can't seem to do it. I can list all of the wonderful things in my life, all of the blessings I've been given, and the way I feel doesn't change. Thinking about my acceptance to BYU, my new job, my many friends, my family--there IS GOOD, and so much of it. Yet I still feel this way, this horrid, exhausted, crushed, squeezed, yucky blahness.

I want it to be Halloween now. Then I can dress up like Number Six and forget about being me for a little while. I'll be a kick butt alien who wears leather and motorcycle boots. That is going to be so super fun. Can't wait!

missing...

2011-10-10T22:31:00.005-06:00

There are some people you meet who
forever leave an impression upon you.
It is as if he or she has left a handprint on your soul;
a permanent reminder of
the uniqueness, loveliness, and beauty of
the friendship that
you and that person created.
No amount of scrubbing,
brushing,
scraping,
or painting over
that handprint can remove its residue.
No other person can quite match the distinct
shape,
size,
width,
and length of
the palm and fingers that lay
stamped upon your heart.
There's no replacement.
There never will be.

weekly poem...

2011-10-09T15:49:00.002-06:00

This week is less poetry in form, but the imagery is beautiful to me. I really like the writing I've found by Melanie Braverman. I like it a lot.

No longer if we'll get cancer but when

No longer if we’ll get cancer but when, the doctor said. Now questions accrete around the irritant like pearl: Not when but how? Not how but whom? And then why. And then why not. I take a can of ashes to the beach and empty them into the wind. Outside the trash man collects bottles like a miser rattling his jewels, tossing them onto the growing heap.

-Melanie Braverman

irritated...

2011-10-08T23:46:00.004-06:00

I'm irritated with a lot of things right now. I was trying to compose a post in my head that would be cheerful and upbeat and positive, but everything came out sounding cynical and sardonic and rude. So I'll just be straight up and admit it: I am irritated.

I'm irritated with some people's lack of consideration for others. I don't know why some people think it is okay to blast their music in their cars late at night while parked outside after a party on a street full of families with young children and elderly couples, all of whom are trying to sleep.

I don't know why some people think it is okay to steal from stores and companies, even if the item you're taking is only worth a few cents. I don't know why some people find it perfectly fine to talk up the company dress code then turn around and wear one of the most immodest costumes in the store for the sake of advertising.

I don't know why some people can act in the name of the Lord one hour, and then the next hour spend time in the company of Satan, then go back to acting in the name of the Lord.

I don't know why some men find it perfectly fine and natural for them to intimidate and frighten and threaten women. I don't know how a man can think it's okay to use and hurt a woman because she's smaller and not as strong as he is, or that it's funny or "cute" when she flinches away from him so he keeps doing it for his own entertainment.

I don't understand. I know I shouldn't let any of these things bother me so much. I should just let them go and move on with my own life. None of these are things that I can control. I'll never be able to control the actions of others, or how those actions effect me. And all the same, I still get irritated. Now I'm not only irritated with others, I'm irritated with myself for being irritated with others.

On the bright side, I went to Zupas with my friend Coty and then we watched "Tangled". I never, ever, ever get tired of "Tangled". It's one of the happiest things to ever come into my life. Never get tired of Zupas, either. And it's hard to get tired of the company of a good friend, who loves you even when you're irritated. Another bright side: my first non-training day at work went well! I'm mostly in charge of the costume wall, which is just my kind of thing. I love costumes! Mine is super cute, by the way. I'm very much excited by it. Getting to dress up in a costume at work? Awesome!

Time for bed. Maybe some sleep, or at least some rest, will ease this annoying irritation. Or make it worse because my mind always jumps into overdrive at night. Or not, because I'm exhausted! I love having a job! It makes me tired!

so one time i bought a fish and i named him Leonardo...

2011-10-07T20:28:00.006-06:00

One day I was walking Misty through the pet store because it was too cold and wet to take her for a walk outside. We were looking at the toys and meeting new friends (she was more afraid of the Corgie that was her size than she was of the Great Dane and the Irish Wolfhound). Sometimes Misty likes to watch the fish swim in their tanks; she can only see the ones low to the ground, but she'll sit and watch them swim back and forth through the water. As I was looking at the fish with her, I came to a realization: I really, really wanted a fish.

So after doing some pricing and scoping at different stores, doing some research online, and breaking into my piggy bank, I got my wish. I bought a fish. And he is a beauty.

This is Leonardo. Check out his coloring! I've never seen a betta this color. Usually they're royal blue, purple, teal, red, or white with streaks of color. Not this little guy. He's almost golden, with green and purple and yellow streaks in his fins and tail.

Leonardo is a yellow-gold Halfmoon Betta, a breed of Siamese fighting fish. Originally from Siam, bettas live in rice fields and in shallow, muddy ponds. The people of Siam began breeding these fish in the gutters of the cities to create a stronger, faster, more aggressive breed of fighting fish. It's kind of like dogfighting or cockfighting in the US, before they put bans on those "sports". Betta fish were used for the same purpose sometimes, as entertainment.

Not Leonardo, though. Since he's by himself in his bowl, there's nobody to bother him. Except for me, when I sit and talk to him about nothing and everything, or watch him swim around. I tried to have a staring contest with him yesterday, but then I remembered that fish don't have eyelids, so I just stared at him and blinked when I had to. He doesn't seem to mind if I watch him. He just swims around and blows bubbles and stuff.

I hope he explores his ruin soon! There are openings for him to go inside. Bettas like little hiding places in rocks and in grasses. Hopefully he likes his new house! It's way better than the little cup he'd been living in at the pet store. WAY better.

WE INTERRUPT YOUR LIFE TO SAY...

2011-10-06T23:46:00.004-06:00

I'M GOING TO BYU!!!!

I'M GONNA BE A COUGAR!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D There are NOT ENOUGH EMOTICONS to express my EXCITEMENT!!!!!

I just got accepted to Brigham Young University! I got a job today at Partyland! I went on a lunch date with my dad! I went to the BYU Homecoming Spectacular and dinner with my mom (before knowing I got accepted)! I bought a fish! I GOT ACCEPTED TO BYU!!!

October 6, 2011 is going down in the history of my life as an incredible, incredible, INCREDIBLE day.

BEST. DAY. EVER!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dreams...

2011-10-05T22:51:00.004-06:00

I fell asleep last night and woke up feeling more exhausted than I was when I went to bed. All night long there were weird, weird dreams. Each one segued with no rhyme or reason into the next. Out of order these may be, because I can't remember which one came first. I just remember that they were weird:

There was a little lost two or three year old boy in the toy section at Walmart. He was sick and threw up all over the aisle and his clothes. I wanted to comfort him but figured it would be a good idea to clean him up first. When I was trying to do this, some employees and family members started yelling at me that I was totally heartless for not picking him up and holding him to stop his crying. He wasn't even mine! I had no idea who he was. Cute kid though. Super cute.
It was Thanksgiving Day and EVERY Burger King in the state was closed until 2am. For some reason I had to have the car home by 11pm, so no fries for me. The people in the car with me were mad at me because I had to have the car home early, and they got out and told me to get lost. Meanies.
An ex-boyfriend I didn't know I had was throwing pieces of glass at me, and then locked me in the bathroom of a hotel and started the building on fire.
Mom and I went to Costco and were getting samples while shopping. One of the samples was chocolate covered strawberries, one being dipped in milk chocolate and the other in white chocolate. The man at the counter let my mom have one of each, but when I tried to take two he said that I could only have one. When I tried to sneak one of the other kinds, he smacked me on the hand with his spoon.
My mom and I were shopping again and we split up so we could get the job done faster. I came back after I'd found everything on my list and met up with her. She was talking to some ladies from our ward. When they saw me coming, they all turned their backs on me and started talking about me, then walked off.
Somehow my grandparents' house got moved to Wyoming. There was a ski lodge there that my dad was at, and he had me wait in the car while he was talking to some people. He decided to give his new friends rides home, and there wasn't room for me in the car (even though it was a Suburban). They tied a sled to the back of the car, threw me a blanket, and told me to hang on. I kept slipping and trying to hold on to the blanket and the rope, and then dad turned really sharply and I got thrown into a tree.
I was helping with a friend's wedding, and I was supposed to be dipping strawberries in chocolate to chill for the reception the next day. Every time I dipped a strawberry, it came out all flat and shriveled, like a balloon that's had all the air let out. My friend got super mad at me and told me that she didn't want me to be her bridesmaid anymore because I messed up all of her strawberries, and kicked me out of the kitchen where I was helping.
The ex-boyfriend showed up again at a lodge where I was staying. He told me he was sorry things had gone bad, and he had a present for me out back. I walked out onto the balcony, and he locked me out in the cold. Then I saw the polar bear that he'd brought to eat me, trying to claw its way up onto the balcony. Slightly terrifying, especially when the balcony started to give way under the onslaught of sharp claws and teeth, with an angry bear roaring beneath me and an insane ex-boyfriend laughing inside the lodge.

Throughout every dream, it was consistently 3 degrees Fahrenheit on the temperature reading on my phone. I know because my dream self checked it at least once during every dream.

Stupid dreams. But kind of funny now that I'm not dreaming them anymore!

double dating duo...

2011-10-05T00:14:00.008-06:00

Carrots and I drove up to a park in Provo Canyon with our photography devices in tow. We made it a date, she with her man Gus, and me with my man Smalls. Yes. We name our cameras. And we date them. That's how very single we are. But what better date could there be than two best girls heading up to the canyon with their image capturing men who don't talk back and only give slight problems when it comes to finding the proper settings? Not to mention the gorgeous leaves, and me being able to spy on Carrot's very superior photography skills. You can learn a lot by watching a pro. In short, the outing was very fun and quite successful! Especially when it started to rain while we were heading back to the car. That was very enjoyable.

While Carrots is a much better picture taker person than I am, I'm still happy with the way some of my pictures turned out. Especially the ones of Carrots! She is such a cute girl. I'm so lucky that she's a good friend to me. She's truly a kindred spirit.

PS Did I mention how much I love the panorama setting on my camera? Um, yeah. I love it.

late at night...

2011-10-04T00:36:00.002-06:00

When my side of the world is dark and quiet, I'm awake with the side of the world that is busy living. When my side of the world is supposed to be sleeping, I spend a lot of time thinking about the things I need to do when the other side of the world is in darkness.

My internal clock is not properly set, I suppose. Either that or it gets overrided by the wiring of my mind, which executes commands that do not translate into "sleep", but to "think", "do", "be". Yes, sometimes I can sleep, when exhaustion takes over. Other than that, good luck!

The only real problem with not being able to sleep is that I can't get anything done at night because I'll wake up all of the proper sleepers in the house. Quiet things can be done, of course. Then all of those things get finished and there's nothing to do. Oh, Facebook and Blogger, how I love you. Quiet and somewhat entertaining. Until it gets boring. Funny how the Internet can be boring sometimes.

PS I had a job interview today at Partyland. The interview was actually quite enjoyable. It's the first time I've never felt super nervous about talking to a potential employer. The girl who interviewed me was super nice, and she made it a conversation instead of just "question, answer, question, answer". It was fun! Fingers crossed that it goes somewhere. :)

September top 10...

2011-10-02T23:19:00.000-06:00

A Little Bit Stronger-Sara Evans
Words I Couldn't Say-Rascal Flatts
Easy-Rascal Flatts
Every Teardrop is a Waterfall-Coldplay
Party Rock Anthem-LMFAO
Hide and Seek-Imogen Heap
The Truth-Kris Allen
What I Wanted to Say-Colbie Caillat
Impossible-Shontelle
Falling Stars-David Archuleta

weekly poem...

2011-10-02T22:00:00.000-06:00

Poem (Internal Scene)

To make beauty out of pain, it damns the eyes—
No, dams the eyes. See how they overflow?
No damns them, damns them, and so they cry.
What shape can I swallow to make me whole?
Baby’s bird-shaped block, blue-painted wood
That fits in the bird-hole of the painted wood box?
The skeleton leaf? The skeleton key? Loud
Knock when the shape won’t unlock any locks.
I hear it through the static in the baby’s room
When the monitor clicks on and off, sound
Of sea-ice cracking against the jagged sea-rocks,
Laughing gull in the gale. What is it dives down
Past sight, down there dark with the other blocks?
It can’t be seen, only heard. A kind of curse,
This kind curse. Forgive me. Blessing that hurts.

-Dan Beachy-Quick

prayers are answered...

2011-10-02T02:06:00.004-06:00

Even if you aren't consciously aware of asking for anything.

Last Christmas the Provo Tabernacle burned down. This building meant so much to many members of the community. It was a place where people could gather to sing and to speak and to do all sorts of unifying things. The tabernacle was one of my favorite places, and sadly I took it for granted. When it burned, I realized how much it meant to me and I was devestated, just like a lot of other people.

I was one of the last people to be in the Provo Tabernacle before it burned down. LDC was slated to perform in the "Gloria!" concert with Lex de Azevedo the night after the fire. Everything was all set to go, and the rehearsal went pretty well. We were there quite late, talking after the rehearsal in the choir lofts just below the antique pioneer organ. The building was beautiful, all decked out and shimmering for Christmas. When I heard that the tabernacle was on fire, I prayed so hard that it could be saved. However, the roof collapsed, and that was the end of it.

Today President Monson announced that there will be a new temple built, right where the Provo Tabernacle is. I realized right as he said it that the Lord had answered a prayer I didn't know I'd prayed. I'd given up hope that the building could be saved, but it is going to be, in a way better than I could have ever imagined! I am so, so excited for this to happen! The tabernacle will stand again, just refined and purified. It's how we are refined and purified, through the fire of the Holy Ghost, and we become holy through that. How interesting is that, that through fire the tabernacle has become an even holier, more
magnificent place.

The Lord really does care about his children. He loves us. We MATTER to him. YOU! Matter to him. Don't forget that.

they think i'm funny...

2011-10-01T01:04:00.004-06:00

Ruthie's room mates have been laughing at me all night long. They think I'm funny, and in some cases, hilarious. When Mariah, Ruthie, and I went to dinner at Cafe Rio, Mariah was busting up at the stuff I was saying. Sometimes I knew why she and Ruthie were laughing (Ruthie doesn't laugh quite so hard anymore, because she's used to me), but the other half of the time I was super confused! Only don't tell them that. It's super embarrassing to have people find out that I don't get my own jokes! Haha!

Friday afternoon I went on a grand adventure by myself to the wonderful old city of Logan. I'd never made the drive by myself before, so I was rather excited that I remembered the way! My dear best friend forever Ruthie invited me to spend the weekend with her at her apartment. Since it's General Conference weekend (see lds.org for more info), I decided to take the almost responsibility free opportunity and head for the hills! This will probably be one of the last times Ruthie and I will get to spend time together until Christmas, so I want to make the most of it.

Conference weekend is usually family only time, at least with my family. When I talked to my mom about it, she didn't want me to go at first. I talked to her about some stuff and why it was important to me that I go see Ruthie; to be honest, I was really surprised and very, very grateful that mom let me go. A lot of things have been happening in my life with friends, and things have been changing so much. Ruthie is one of those people who knows what's been going on and who has been helping me get through everything. To see her in person, especially since that happens so rarely, is so great. And yes, we will watch Conference. Granted, it might be online (her apartment doesn't have cable), but we'll figure it out!

Kenna called me today. Can I just say that I love that girl to death? She's pretty much my older sister. I adopted her last year in choir, and I am SO GLAD that she's a part of my life! It was great to hear her voice, and to talk to her about some of the stuff that's happening in my life. It was also awesome to hear the updates from her life, she being recently married and a member of the cast for "The Savior of the World". I love talking to her! I'm so glad she called to say hi.

Hm...I think I'm the only one still awake...no surprises there, haha. I'm going to amuse myself until I get tired enough to sleep. :)

my friend Alex...

2011-09-29T23:08:00.003-06:00

I have this friend. His name is Alex. He's almost 6' 4" tall. He's on the ballroom team. He's nearly got his AS degree. He has impeccable taste in all things fashion, music, decor, movies, pretty much everything. He's never late, and he always has a plan. He's a wonderful conversationalist, a good driver, and a good cook. Oh, and one of the best parts? He set his iPod to play a Justin Bieber song when we got in the car, "Somebody to Love", just because he knows how much I love Justin Bieber. And he BLASTED it, with the windows rolled down and everything, because it makes me happy to do that.

Alex is one of the best friends a person could ask for, because he's good at being a friend. He cares about you as a person, and he makes sure you know that he's interested in your life without getting too attached or awkward (even though we can be extremely awkward together and it's hilarious). There's no expectation, other than to have a good time.

I'm glad to have my friend Alex. I don't know how I keep being so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life. Must be doing something right!

frustrated but still smiling...

2011-09-28T21:58:00.008-06:00

I'm frustrated tonight. Very frustrated. For some reason, being frustrated isn't bothering me as much as it usually would. Normally I'd be storming around the house, trying to find something to do while randomly bursting into tears or shouting at someone for no good reason (yes, I do that sometimes). I don't know how it works, to be frustrated but able to just kind of shrug it off. That never happens to me.

Here's why I'm frustrated:

LDC is instigating planned date nights. It's somewhat common knowledge that I don't like dating very much. I'm sure the reasoning behind this idea is good, but I don't like it. I don't want to feel forced into dating, if someone asks me to go. I also want to be a part of the choir activities and socializing, but I would prefer not to do so on a date. So I'm going to get left out in two ways: if I really don't feel comfortable going to an activity on a date, or if I don't even get asked. So...lose-lose situation. I guess just make the best of it. Still, when you have nightmares frequently about dating...we'll see how it goes.
BYU won't accept scholarship applications from transfer students until said students have completed one semester or 12 credit hours at the university. Now I'm wondering how I'm going to be able to pay for school. This is tied to frustration number 3.
I cannot find a job. I've had interviews, even job offers, but none of them have worked out. They haven't felt right. So I don't have an income at all, my savings are shrinking, and now I've found out that BYU won't accept a scholarship application from me. I suppose I could apply for a grant, but it'd only be half of what I need. Half is better than nothing though. Much better.
Everything is changing so very fast. I feel like everyone around me is growing and changing while I stand still, frozen in place, watching the rest of the world speed by in a blur. Lately I feel like my world keeps getting turned upside down. I guess I need to stop standing on rugs, figuratively speaking; every time I find my balance someone jerks the carpet out from under me. No more rugs! I need something stable.
I wish people would be honest from the very beginning.
This shouldn't be a frustration, but it is: I do not know what to get rid of and what to keep! I have too much stuff! Aaah!

At the same time that I feel frustrated, I'm smiling. There are SO MANY GOOD THINGS IN LIFE. For example:

I spent the afternoon with Sean and Ann at Ann's house, where we had pizza and strawberry lemonade. After Sean left, Ann and I got to talk for a couple of hours about all sorts of things. Ann is one of the best friends a person could ask for. It is SO NICE to have a girl to talk to again! All summer it was just me and the boys who were still here. Now, I have lots of choir girls to talk to! And I just adore my Ann girl; she is such a sweetheart! Not to mention she's a red head. I've always wanted a best friend who was a red head. Yay!
Brianna invited me to the temple with her yesterday. Her mom and Shelby came as well. Since it was so crowded we were there for nearly 2 and a half hours. It was amazing! Moroni Chapter 7 is now one of my favorite chapters of scripture. Look it up. It's awesome.
My dog adores me. She really does. I love having a furry friend to come home to; Misty is always excited to see me! She's learning some new tricks. This week we're working on "give me 5". Misty's kind of getting it. It's more like a punch than a high five, but close enough! I'll take it.
Being able to sleep when I am able to sleep is so nice. Whether it's a nap in the afternoon, or sleeping a little later because I couldn't finally relax until around 3am, et cetera, it's great. I'm still tired all of the time, but it's been really helpful to actually get sleep, instead of trying to make it on 3 to 4 hours a night just because I couldn't fall asleep.
There is a young man who has the most beautiful smile I have ever seen in my life. He sits kitty-corner from me in choir, so it's easy for me to glance over at him when something amusing happens in class. There's something so wonderful about a guy who isn't afraid to full on smile. Especially when that smile belongs to an incredibly handsome face! Yes, it's enough to make me smile. And blush. And get...dare I say it...butterflies!
I wrote a letter to Jordan on a napkin today at Ann's house. It's the most random, confusing letter ever. Front and back, with doodles and stories and poetry and all sorts of things for my missionary friend. Ann wrote him a note on the napkin, too, and she signed it Carrots (because her hair is red). He's going to be so confused! It was way too much fun!
You know, I can't figure out how there are so many wonderful, good, virtuous people in my life. I just don't know how that happened. I am so incredibly blessed to know all of these people. Really and truly blessed.

SMILE! It looks GOOD on you!

harvest...

2011-09-26T22:58:00.003-06:00

I have found a new happy making activity. I picked my mom up from school last week, and we stopped at the university's weekly farmers' market. Total treasure trove of wonderful! We got a bushel of peaches that are absolutely the juiciest peaches I've ever had the chance to taste. We met the sweetest girl ever, a young woman in a wheel chair because her legs have never worked, who sells necklaces made out of Scrabble tiles and pretty pictures (I bought one). She is truly amazing! Mom found the most amazing honey butter ever, and I found cranberry orange bread which was also amazing. Even better? The man selling the bread makes it himself, he's got the coolest British accent ever, and he was pretty darn handsome. But the best part? The apples.

Oh. My. Goodness. I never thought a piece of fruit could be so beautiful, or so delicious. Mom bought a bushel of the apples because 1) they were so, so good, and 2) the apples were absolutely gorgeous and I was kicking myself for not bringing my camera with me, so she got them so I could take pictures at home.

Farmers' Market field trip = one of the best ideas my mom has ever had. And I did take pictures of the apples the day after our adventure. They're beautiful. And so good. Let me introduce you to the Connie apple:

Beautiful little things.

weekly poem...

2011-09-25T18:36:00.003-06:00

Changes

The leaves are beginning to change.
They flutter slightly in the breeze, a haze of
yellow-tinged green,
growing brighter every day in the fading light of summer.
I study the colors of the sky;
the grass;
the plants in the garden.
Everything seems sharpened in the suddenly crisp air,
touched by the lengthening shadows
of autumn’s fall.

-Georgie K. Buttons

"The Help"...

2011-09-22T01:27:00.004-06:00

I love to watch movies. It's an escape for a couple of hours, a time to relax and expend less brain power than I would being asleep. Or so it feels at times. Getting wrapped up in a story, meeting new characters, visiting places I've never been (and may never go, especially if it's Valhalla or Hogwarts or Naboo). It takes my mind off of things. Like tonight, exhausted and sick (again). My mom had to watch a movie for one of her classes at the college. At 10:00 she came down to tell me good night, but then she told me to grab my shoes and come along.

We went to see "The Help", a movie about African American women who worked as maids in the homes of Caucasian families. Talk about a roller coaster. Half the time I was on the edge of my seat anticipating some horrible disaster (which happened, but wasn't graphic like I was expecting it to be...), and the other half I was either silently fuming or slightly smiling.

People are so interesting. How they start out as children, who generally speaking are neither spiteful or vindictive. It's fascinating to think about, why people end up the way they are in their teens or 20's or 60's. How they get there, why they get there. Truly fascinating.

I love doing stuff with my mom late at night. It's pretty much the only time we ever get to do anything, with her being so busy with school. It's fun for it to be just the two of us. That doesn't happen very much, and I'm realizing that this will probably be the case a lot in the future. So thanks, mom, for letting me help you do your homework. Let's do it again sometime. :)