so super dizzy...

When I woke up this morning, I felt great. I got the best sleep I've had in weeks and I couldn't remember any of the dreams I'm pretty sure that I had.

Everything changed when I got up to brush my teeth. All of the sudden the floor was the ceiling, the door was the window, and the bed was the closet. Also known as the room appeared to be spinning and twisting like mad.

As of now, the dizziness has only increased and I would very much like to go back to bed. It's kind of funny -- in between tasks here at work I have to stop and hold on to something for a minute or two until my eyes stop thinking the walls are moving. Gotta let my vision catch up with what my brain already knows -- walls don't move. Unless you're in Harry Potter. Or Psych.

Other than the dizziness, I feel great. 

I feel so great. 

Seriously. I'm being completely serious. 

There are so many good things in this world. Here's a list:

1. Little Lily Bear got adopted this week! She went to a family who has a cross-eyed cat and some other cool stuff, but Chels lost me at the words "cross-eyed cat" and I don't remember anything other than that. It's funny because Lily is slightly wall-eyed, and the cat is cross-eyed, so they even each other out! How cool is that? I'm glad she has a family to love her.
2. It is so sunny today. It's sunny and bright and warm -- if I weren't so dizzy, I'd take a long walk in it. Sitting at the park will have to do.
3. Two exams down yesterday! Only finals left for English, and now that I know what to expect, I almost look forward to it. Seriously, that essay I wrote was awesome. If the prof doesn't like it, who cares? I like it.
4. Voice lessons are awesome.
5. Doing what I want to do with my life makes me so much happier than doing what I think others want me to do.

By the way, Village Inn has a Tin Roof Sundae pie that is so. Good. Mostly because of the crust. If a pie has a good crust, I'm going to like it.

Ha. When I watch my fingers typing, I feel like throwing up. This is a fun game.

almost made it...

...to the end of the semester without another migraine.

It's been liiiiiiiiiike...a month since the last one? And then BAM! 

Sneaky little devil. Was not expecting that. Was not expecting the migraine prevention medication to make things worse, either. I don't think I'll take it anymore...every time I've tried it, the headache is worse than if I stick with Coke and aspirin. But luckily things are looking up. The last hour has been a lot better. Hopefully it'll continue in that direction -- I've got a paper to write before tomorrow morning. Sorta snuck up on me.

Actually, it didn't sneak up on me. I just haven't wanted to write it.

i haven't been this tired since...

Yesterday.

Good grief.

You know, there are a lot things I can get used to. I can (and have) gotten used to headaches. I manage them -- even when my head really hurts, I push it aside as much as I can. I'm pretty used to nausea and dizziness at this point, too. I can manage it. I deal. No worries.

But man. I don't know if I'll ever get used to being tired. You'd think that overcoming that would be the easiest. No way, Jose. I keep going because I have to, but my mind is so foggy and everything takes longer than it should.

Can't think.

It's just been a struggle this week. A good week, because a lot of good things have happened at school and work. But a struggle, too. My whole body drags, and my mind isn't far behind. Sometimes, I have to sleep, instead of getting things done.

Crazy how exhausting school is.

triggers...

On Thursday the doctor diagnosed me with chronic migraines and added a new rash of medications to my short list of drugs (now it's a medium list). He also told me that I should track any headaches that occur so we can find triggers, then eliminate or work with those things so that the migraines don't occur as frequently.

Day 2 of My Headache Journal has begun, and so far I've pinpointed a couple of things that bring on the headaches.

1. Anger, irritation or frustration (I guess talking out my frustrations in a raised voice while showering when no one is home isn't an option anymore)

2. Reading for extended periods of time

3. Laying on my left side, which is the side of my head that usually begins hurting first

Day 2 has also brought about some alterations for dealing with these triggers that I've noticed.

1. When angry, irritated, or frustrated, leave the situation, stop talking, or take a nap -- basically things I should do anyway. Or just not get mad at stupid stuff. Which is what I should do regardless of the threat of a migraine.

2. Read for half an hour, and then take a ten minute break (I won't lie and say ten minutes is the average -- those ten minute breaks often turn into half hour to forty-five minute excuse making escapades where I do everything I can think of which will keep me too busy for my homework).

3. Laying on my right side instead of my left (duh). I have also found that sleeping with my teddy bear lessens the pain. I'm not sure why that helps, but it does (and I don't mind it, either -- having an excuse to cuddle a toy is fine by me).

I am also happy to report that the doctor prescribed taking aspirin with sugar free Coke for managing headaches that do occur. Don't be surprised if you see me on campus with a bottle of the stuff -- I have no fear anymore as to what people may think of me drinking a caffeinated beverage. Take that, Dining Services. I'll just bring my own soda with me.

So far I'm able to manage the current headache I have a little better, now that I know how (even though it's lasted for over a week, roller coaster-ing in severity). I'm not sure how preventing future headaches will work out yet, especially because this one won't go away -- we'll wait and see how these new medications take hold. And if they don't, well. Back to the drawing board we'll go.

I'm sure my insurance company loves me right now.

back at it...

So.

Thursday, I woke up with a major headache. I missed class and barely made it through work.

Friday wasn't much better.

Neither was most of Saturday.

Sunday continued in a similar fashion.

As did Monday. Except on Monday, I fell asleep at 4:30pm and was awoken two hours later because of the headache.

That got me worried. The last doctor I saw told me that if a headache woke me up, I would need to call my regular doctor (or all-purpose doctor, as I like to call him) as soon as possible. But I didn't call that doctor yesterday because I figured the headache would go away. It couldn't possibly last for 6 whole days. Right?

False.

Another appointment at another clinic with another doctor, slated for Thursday at 2pm.

Right now I'm really wishing that it were possible to fall asleep on a textbook and absorb the information through osmosis.

That would be stupendous.

gotta catch 'em all...

Or not.

Seriously. I am so behind in all of my studies, my housework, my relationships with family and friends, everything. I cannot seem to catch up. By no means have I been procrastinating -- and I am being 100% sincere when I say that (are you shocked?). Every day during my breaks at school I work on my readings and my assignments, and I do the same when I get home. I do little chores as much as I can. Without fail, though, I end up stopping in the middle.

Why, you ask?

Because my head begins to hurt so much that I can't do anything but lie down in bed with the lights off and a pillow over my head to shut out any sounds. When I don't stop, and I push myself, weird stuff happens. Like being unable to form coherent sentences and words slurring together. Like blurry vision and stationary objects beginning to move in wavy, distorted lines. Like throwing up. Like losing my orientation in the universe and falling to the ground (that's embarrassing).

I am so behind. In everything. Particularly school. Reading is the hardest (which is what I have the most of). And work? Wow. The students I tutor must think I'm a total idiot. I honestly cannot get my thoughts across to them at all. They probably wonder why I was even hired.

I'm trying to do all of the right things -- sleeping as much as I can, eating well, doing some sort of physical movement, drinking water, taking the medications (though I wonder if the medications are part of the headache/nausea problem, a side effect that is making an already occurring irritant worse) -- I can't think of anything else to try. If this is just going to be part of my life now, then I need to learn how to deal with it. I don't know how, though, and the research I've been doing keeps bringing me to dead ends. Pain killers seem to have no impact. Besides, I'm not too keen on the idea of taking Ibuprofen or Aleve multiple times every single day. Not okay.

The most frustrating thing isn't the pain. It's the fact that I feel so helpless. I don't have time to be incapacitated so often! I'm in college, for crying out loud. No one is going to make exceptions for me on an exam or in grading my paper because I didn't do a good job due to a sudden headache. I have to do well. 

I have to take care of myself. I can't ask anyone to do it for me. Sure, asking for help on occasion is fine, but I need to be independent. I can't ask someone to always be helping me out. That isn't fair. 

Prayer. Need to do more of that.