c'est la vie...

In the spirit of hell midterms week, I turned to my French roots and remembered the phrase, "C'est la vie." Yep -- that's life.

And then I played worked my other job for a little bit and came up with this:

Pretty good, oiu?

Yeah. I get paid to play with blocks and then write step-by-step guides for how to make the structures. It's definitely my favorite part of being an advertising blog writer...thing (I actually don't know what my job title is).

Pray that I don't die this week. As in I'm only slightly joking.

so super dizzy...

When I woke up this morning, I felt great. I got the best sleep I've had in weeks and I couldn't remember any of the dreams I'm pretty sure that I had.

Everything changed when I got up to brush my teeth. All of the sudden the floor was the ceiling, the door was the window, and the bed was the closet. Also known as the room appeared to be spinning and twisting like mad.

As of now, the dizziness has only increased and I would very much like to go back to bed. It's kind of funny -- in between tasks here at work I have to stop and hold on to something for a minute or two until my eyes stop thinking the walls are moving. Gotta let my vision catch up with what my brain already knows -- walls don't move. Unless you're in Harry Potter. Or Psych.

Other than the dizziness, I feel great. 

I feel so great. 

Seriously. I'm being completely serious. 

There are so many good things in this world. Here's a list:

1. Little Lily Bear got adopted this week! She went to a family who has a cross-eyed cat and some other cool stuff, but Chels lost me at the words "cross-eyed cat" and I don't remember anything other than that. It's funny because Lily is slightly wall-eyed, and the cat is cross-eyed, so they even each other out! How cool is that? I'm glad she has a family to love her.
2. It is so sunny today. It's sunny and bright and warm -- if I weren't so dizzy, I'd take a long walk in it. Sitting at the park will have to do.
3. Two exams down yesterday! Only finals left for English, and now that I know what to expect, I almost look forward to it. Seriously, that essay I wrote was awesome. If the prof doesn't like it, who cares? I like it.
4. Voice lessons are awesome.
5. Doing what I want to do with my life makes me so much happier than doing what I think others want me to do.

By the way, Village Inn has a Tin Roof Sundae pie that is so. Good. Mostly because of the crust. If a pie has a good crust, I'm going to like it.

Ha. When I watch my fingers typing, I feel like throwing up. This is a fun game.

fill-in-the-blank...

"World's worst ___________________."

That's how I feel right now. World's worst you name it, that's how I feel.

Worst daughter.
Worst friend.
Worst student.
Worst employee.
Worst girlfriend.

Especially the worst girlfriend part.

But more the worst person in general.

It's probably not true, and probably stems from many factors. Like lack of sleep, intense worry about an exam tomorrow, a near panic attack during church this afternoon, the family gathering tonight, weaning off of medications.

I feel like a total jerk.

Also probably not true, but it doesn't lessen how badly I feel.

I really do feel like the worst person ever. And so, I think it's time for bed.

things I learned today...

1. My dryer only shuts off if it gets too hot. The rest of the time I have to pay careful attention to how long clothes have been in the dryer so that things don't shrink. That's why I noticed -- I put a load of towels in the dryer and a little while later the house was quiet. Yep. Dryer had gotten too hot and had shut itself off.
2. Most of the curators and non-student staff at work now treat me like I'm in charge of Workflows. The student employees like me know better, and none of us can figure out why the big wigs don't spread things around a little bit more. I mean, come on -- I haven't even been trained on the super specifics, yet I'm expected to know them.
3. When Kala gets hungry enough, she will not hesitate from waking you up from an unexpected nap by huffing and whining in your ear. And if that doesn't work, she'll full on whop you on the face with her paw. I guess she was really hungry, or I slept a lot longer than I thought I did.
4. It is possible for professors to assign homework that takes five to six hours a day, and have exams once to twice a week for an entire term.
5. I really, really like my job.
6. I CAN MAKE GOOD COOKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously. Never before have I been able to make a good batch of cookies by myself. But this time, they're turned out amazing. Which is why I am actually going to take them to the neighbors as I originally intended, rather than tossing my mess into the garbage bin. Because it's not a mess! It's cookies!
7. Chelsea's pillows are much more comfortable than mine.
8. I really need to get better sleep!

finals weekend...

I'm dying.

Not literally dying, but metaphorically dying. As in my brain cannot seem to function and my eyes want to stay shut forever.

How is it possible for me to have so much to do, yet be so bored?

Honestly, I do not know how I'm going to retain all of this information. All of it is familiar because I discussed it (or listened to my professor drone for an hour every other day) in classes three times a week, but really. I don't know how I'll write good, solid mini essays on events/people/books when I am required to prepare for 41, but only need to know 10. So much information.

Not to mention that same professor, who I have two classes with, told my entire American Studies class that we are "terrible writers" and that "some of your essays are so bad that I just read through the first paragraph and wrote 'I quit' on the top, then gave you a C. If you'd spent time on your essays, and actually attempted to do a good job, I might have read all of it. But really -- it's not like you're freshmen. Really, just awful. Awful."

If I didn't need a good grade, I would write, "I read the first question and it was so bad that I realized I can't take this exam because I don't have enough time to actually attempt to do a good job. I quit."

Temptation. Plagues me to no end.

it's been a day...

I have discovered that if I get to campus 45 minutes before my classes start, I can get a parking spot near the bell tower, which cuts off almost half of the walk to my building from the parking lot. Which, all things considered, is very helpful for me right now.

My professor handed back the exams from last week. I got a B+. Considering I was praying for a C, I did fairly well.

Did 8 tutorials today -- which is a lot less than I usually do during a four hour shift. I've learned that if you take longer with a single student, you can explain things better for them and you do fewer tutorials throughout a shift (no crap, Sherlock). All the same...this job is exhausting.

Mom took me to lunch at the wrap shop on campus. Strawberry Fields wrap equals deliciousness.

There's a(nother) dress at the book store that I want. Note to self: stay away from the clothing sections in the book store. Or, stay out of the book store period.

Anthropology was a silent affair. Literally. Sat there for 39 minutes with no one speaking, and then one person timidly commented on something from the reading. Nothing for another 4 minutes. Then a second timid comment, after which the professor got up and left. The Quakers' practice of silent meetings is really getting to us.

2 hour study group after school and work for the next American Studies exam on Wednesday. Karina and Nelly are fantastic.

Bad and frustrating news from doctors -- I really dislike this whole mess.

My sister took me to Cafe Rio with her tonight -- such happiness. We talked about how stupid and confusing boys are. It was therapeutic. We both enjoyed ourselves immensely.

Going to Idaho on Thursday this week. Watch out, Rexburg. Gonna party all weekend long...with my textbooks and sleeping pills.

Oh, and I got stuck in the elevator today. Tried to walk out and found myself slammed into the back wall. Yeah -- my backpack strap had gotten caught on the handrail. Whatever.

exams don't wait for life...

This semester is probably the most frustrating I've ever had in my entire life.

Yes, I have a lot more homework than  usual, but that's not what is stressful. I actually feel like I've got a handle on the Game of College. It's basically a study in selective listening. Listen for what the professors are looking for, and then spoon feed it back to them, repeating their own words in essays and exams to make them feel awesome (accuse me of being a suck up and I will wholeheartedly and unabashedly agree with you). Keeps them happy and gets me good grades. Easy as that. Bam.

No, what's stressing me out is that life happens so frequently that I can't stay caught up. Readings get put off in favor of sleep because I can't comprehend what I'm reading. Studying gets pushed aside because people are more important than grades. Classes get skipped because I literally can't get out of bed. Essays and papers are written at the very last minute because stuff just happens.

But school isn't going to slow down so that you can focus on cleaning up the mess suddenly dumped in front of you.

For example. I have another large, ridiculous exam tomorrow morning (at 7:45am, no less). Have I studied for it? Well, if you count doing all of the class readings throughout the semester and attending as many lectures as possible (health problems -- they rock), then yes. I've studied. But if you count actually preparing for the exam?

Nope. 

Once again, life keeps getting in the way. 

Time to hit the books in a big way. Peace out, Girl Scout.

glad that's over...

Well, I either kicked that exam in the face or that exam kicked me in the face. Not really sure which. All I know is that I wrote from the second I got the test to the second my professor held out his hand for me to stop writing -- I literally wrote straight through for 60 minutes. The last minute was so stressful! I had so much more that I wanted to say, and my hand was cramping up, and my handwriting was dreadful.

Not to mention that my professor was standing right in front of my desk while I was finishing up my last essay...awkward.

so frustrated...

I have an exam tomorrow morning (and you know how much I stress about exams).

Honestly, I don't know how I'm going to remember all of this material. Right now, I can't seem to take in any more. All of the words on the study guide are just that -- words. They don't mean anything now! Nothing I read is sticking.

How can I write essays on things I barely understand?

"Specifics matter. I know BS when I see it...so don't do it," said the professor.

And he's serious. According to previous students, his tests are "ridiculous," "a bear," "the reason I hated that class so much."

Let's just say I'm in tears -- I hate exams. I never feel prepared, and this time I was unable to study as much as I wanted to (life happens -- it happens a lot lately). The caffeine isn't helping me concentrate or stay awake. The headaches are back in full force. STRESSED. OUT.

Prayer. Coke Zero. Celtic Pandora station. Aleve. Pages and pages and pages of notes. Google Doc.

All questions on exam require an essay answer. 12 possible questions (none of which were detailed when we discussed the exam in class). 5 questions given. 4 questions to answer. 1 hour in which to answer all 4 questions.

Screw it.

weird day...

Strangest Friday of my life. Nothing went as planned, and a lot of things turned out odd in a good way. Others, not so much.

1. Finished the exam within ten minutes of the time limit. 2 hours and 50 minutes of all short answer essays and essay questions, 32 questions total. Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh. It is OVER.
2. Missed getting soaked by a sudden cloudburst by about 30 seconds.
3. Getting to Walmart took half an hour. Blergh.
4. When I returned to my car after dropping off photos at Walmart, a lady sitting in the van next to me asked me if I would watch her sleeping children for a few minutes while she ran into the store to grab something. I said sure. While she was gone, I began imagining horrible reasons for why she had left the kids with me (she'd killed them and left their bodies in the car, leaving me to deal with the crime and be a suspect as well; she'd left the kids asleep and taken off for good; they weren't really her kids at all and she was a kidnapper who'd chickened out). After poking my head through the open window and making sure the children were alive, I felt a little better. Anyway, the mother returned and paid me in king size Kit Kat, Whatchamacallit (Whatchamaspellit), and Almond Hershey bars and a bag of pistachios, plus the change from her purchases. Definitely the most interesting babysitting experience I've ever had (except for the time Ian pulled a gun on me...)
5. After examining the sink full of dishes and the stack next to them, I realized something: three of the dishes from the entire week were mine. I don't eat at home very much these days. I also realized that no one had done dishes at all the whole week. SICK. And so I did them, starting with the three I had used. I hate doing dishes.
6. Went back to Walmart to pick up photos and found white canvas sneakers for only $5. I bought two pairs because I wear those things out so fast. AND I found a Captain America t-shirt for under $10. Yes, it's a guy's shirt and yes, it's made for someone shaped like a rectangle, but whatever. I can't find a Captain America shirt in a girl's tee, and all of the plain white t-shirts were sold out so I can't make one yet. This will just have to do!
7. There is construction everywhere. It took me 45 minutes to get from my house to Spanish Fork -- although I think that the majority of the time was spent trying to get out of the gas station lot.
8. Got to see Kayla, Tayler, Kenna, Maddy, Ben, and Steven tonight, plus make some new friends. It's been FOREVER since I've seen those kids. Steven's reaction to my haircut was the best (I didn't tell any of them about it). He freaked out. It's good to know that I am first and foremost his first and favorite "wife." Good times.
9. Tonight was the first time I've stubbed my toe on cement in almost a decade. That's because about ten years ago I stopped going barefoot. Well, tonight I went barefoot and you know that feeling of skin meeting concrete? OUCH!!! My toe is gashed wide open...if it wasn't a toe, it wouldn't hurt so badly. Lots of little nerves in there. Yowza.
10. What I saw of X-Men: First Class was dumb. There were so many unnecessary parts -- we skipped more than half of the first half of the movie. I didn't get to see the end, but I didn't like the beginning, so I'm okay with it. I have issues with heroes who aren't good people. Like Magneto? Um...he's a bad person. Yes, he has a VERY troubled past, but seriously? Bad guy. I won't ramble on about it.
11. Got to the airport exactly 60 minutes from the time I left Taylor's house. I don't really know how that happened.
12. Dad's home! His flight was delayed, so I ended up waiting at the airport in the parking lot for about an hour and a half. The guys in the car next to me were weird. Just sayin'.

K, now I'm freezing and I'm going to go to bed okay?

blah...

I've noticed that I blog a lot more when I'm feeling anxious. Kind of like right now.

This exam is stressing me out so much. I've studied for four hours today, and two yesterday, with some regular prepping for class sessions every day this term, but I don't feel like it's enough.

I don't know what I'm supposed to know! I don't know the format, I don't have any clue about the types of questions that will be on the exam, I don't know how to give good answers.

...thank goodness for good things...
...for my dog Misty, who has spent the whole day with me
...for Alyssa, who made the shift enjoyable
...for Brianna, who visited me at work and brought me beautiful pink flowers in a mason jar with an orange ribbon (love the ribbon so much)
...for Taco Bell, which has cheap food (even though I had to force myself not to think about what I was eating -- it's a lot better in my imagination than it is in my mouth. You can feel the calories -- sick)
...for my dad, who called me again tonight
...for silly temporary tattoos, Iron Man flying across my right collar bone (I'm such a rebel)
...for hot showers, because no one has been home to run any water all day
...for clean sheets, which smell so good and are so soft
...for parties to look forward to this weekend

Because even though I'm an emotional wreck, good things still happen.

Still...emotional wreck. I hate feeling so unprepared for an exam, especially after I've spent so much time with the material. Ugh. Whatever. Sleeping pill time. After 12pm tomorrow, the exam will be over and that will be that. Joy.

overwhelmed...

Here's the rub:

I'm stressed, I'm scared, and I'm exhausted. I've eaten too many peanut M&M's, I've contributed nothing to my class study guide except reformatting sections (because let's face it -- some of them were a little scary), and I've scared my dogs because I keep bursting into tears. I have no idea how to study for this exam, I don't know what to expect (because my professor so kindly said that if he told us to prepare for multiple choice or essays or matching that the fun of the exam would be ruined), and I have a horrible feeling that I'm not going to be prepared no matter what I do.

In short, I despise English 251.

Mostly, though, I hate being alone.

happy making...

Today was joyful
...my English professor after listening to me express my concerns regarding an upcoming assignment: "Oh, Georgie, I don't have any worries about you in this class. You are a great writer. Really."
...97% on my religion exam. ShaBAM.
...apologizing to a friend who I was a bit short with yesterday and feeling absolutely liberated afterwards.
...printing 100 pictures for only $13 instead of 23 for $5.75. Much better economically speaking.
...perfect birthday gift for little Mandy. She's TWELVE tomorrow. TWELVE. Oh Em Gee.
...old fashioned doughnut from BYU bakery. Mmmm.
...coloring book that Ann gave me for Valentine's Day!
...clean fish tank. Leo is happy.
...laundry almost done!
...dinner "date" set for next week with a friend I haven't seen in over a month. Noodles & Company, here we come!
...apples the size of my palm at Walmart on sale (and I have little hands so they really are teeny apples).
...letter from Q came in the mail with an AMAZING photo of a butterfly she saw in California. I love mail!
...my English teacher pulled out a pack of Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream gum, and when she learned that I'd never heard of it she gave me her last piece. She was right-it is super good.
...less pain than ever before and it's awesome. I can actually walk.
...Captain America is on BYU campus everywhere. Posters, t-shirts, sidewalk chalked in front of buildings. Love.
...ran into Miss Julia Rae Sanchez at the store and got to talk to her for awhile. She always makes me happy. "You're pretty!" Love her.
...going to be IN bed with the lights OFF before MIDNIGHT for the FIRST TIME in WEEKS. YES.
...and this

Future kidlet right there

little reminders...

I've been feeling very lonely lately. It's been so, so hard to leave LDC. I can't tell you how many times I've dreamed that I've been back in the choir. It always starts out just like it used to be, all of my dear friends there yelling across the room to one another, laughing and giving Mike fits trying to get them to calm down. And then they start to sing, and I don't know any of the songs. I don't know the notes or the words. Brother Eggett ends up kicking me out, telling me not to come back.

I can't tell you how many times I've cried myself to sleep this semester, if I've even slept at all. The transition hasn't been terribly difficult, but difficult enough that it isn't easy.

Tonight I was feeling sorry for myself, stressing out about my Statistics exam tomorrow and a paper that's due, and wishing with all my heart that somebody would think of me. I was feeling alone and forgotten, because so many times I've tried to keep in touch with people and have received no reply.

I was frustrated and feeling downright left behind, even though I was aware of the people who I do have in my life. So then I started to feel bad because I'm a selfish brat. Then I started to think of ways I could continue to let people know I care about them...and then I realized that I don't have a lot of time to do that anymore, and the things I have done lately have always ended with silence from the other end.

Then, out of the blue, one of the LDC boys, Jeff, sent me a text inviting me to his birthday party. He said it wouldn't be a big deal, just a few friends hanging out at his place. For me, though, it was a huge deal. He probably will never know how much I appreciated it. I literally dumped my homework on the floor, got re-dressed, and rushed out the door without putting on any make-up whatsoever because I was so excited. It was only an hour, but seeing a few of those dear people was absolutely wonderful. And hugs! So many hugs.

A couple of hours later, I received another text message from an LDC girl, Allie, who I love with all my heart. I read the message and felt two things: heartbreak that I can't be in the choir anymore and complete gratitude that she had thought of me. She probably has no idea how much that means to me right now, for someone to think of me. It's amazing how something as simple as a kind word can help you to find the courage to keep moving forward.

To you two wonderful people: thank you. You were both answers to prayer.

God is merciful...

Those of you who read yesterday's post know that I hated highly disliked the new Twilight movie. After a rather restless night I woke up feeling guilty and kind of gross...there were images and feelings that would not get out of my head. I felt like skipping out on the emergency choir rehearsal that was called for this morning because I just felt terrible and wanted to hole up. Then I remembered that I was one of the people who had raised my hand to agree to be to an extra rehearsal. The thought came to mind, What if every single person who agreed to go is thinking the same thing I am and not one of them goes? What if everyone acted as I will? What would a quality person do?

Well. Better late to a rehearsal than not showing up, correct? And seeing as I'd already knowingly made a mistake by going to a movie I was pretty sure I shouldn't see, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to make a second by not being where I'd said I would be.

The rehearsal was, for me, incredible. Being with such wonderful people and singing music that is centered on the Savior was a huge help to getting the images and memories out of my mind. When we went outside to the parking garage and sang one of our numbers (a Puritan hymn that's sung right in the mask of your face, or in your nose while still keeping the sound rounded instead of wide and nasal) I wanted to jump up and down because of the lightness I felt inside.

After that it just got better. Paul Cardall, a famous LDS pianist and speaker, spoke at the Institute devotional. Listening to the music he played and the words that he shared brought me such peace. Near the end of his presentation he played a medley of hymns, starting with "I Stand All Amazed". It then segued into "Come, Thou Fount". I couldn't hold back the tears as I listened to the music and read the scriptures about the Savior that scrolled across the projector above my head. I felt an overflow of peace and love.

Then...it got better. My younger sisters have had the opportunity to perform in their high school's fall musical, Children of Eden. Dallyn Bayles, a famed Broadway performer (has played roles such as Jean Val Jean in Les Miserables and Raoul in The Phantom of the Opera) was featured as Father, or in other words God. He was, as always, fantastic. So were the others.

It wasn't merely the talent of the students and Dallyn that made the show wonderful--it was the Spirit that they brought to their performances. Each performance had a power behind it, one that conveyed the testimonies of each individual in the cast. As the students sang and spoke their parts, you KNEW truth. You FELT truth. For the second time that day I couldn't hold back tears, and this time it wasn't just two or three. It was just short of a cloudburst. The Spirit was so strong, and I felt what I can only call love.

Somehow I feel like I failed a test yesterday. I didn't stand up for my beliefs, for what I know to be true. I was afraid of opinions, of others' thoughts, of others' actions. I let my fear of what people can do get in the way of what I know to be true and right and good. I put my faith not in the Lord, but in what I can do by myself. And what I can do by myself is nothing compared to what I can do when I put the Lord first.

Today I have seen that the Lord is absolutely involved in my life, down to the very tiniest detail. He knows that I messed up. He knows that I am sorry for the mistake I made, for willingly putting myself into a situation that I shouldn't have been found in. He also knows that I want to do better, but I was struggling to remove the guilt and memories from my mind. I am so, so grateful that he cares enough to bring me the peace and calm I needed today. How wonderful it is that instead of getting angry at you for making a mistake he puts his arms around you and helps you to get yourself out again. That's why he's called the Savior. He doesn't condemn or destroy. That's not why he came. He came to help and heal and save. And he does. Every day.

"All praise to the name
of the Father of light,
one who listens and hears
when I call.
Every step He ordains
I shall walk without fear.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall."

attack...

My last final for the semester was this morning. I finished it in about ten minutes, due to the fact that all of the questions and answers were taken directly from the quizzes given throughout the semester. After taking the test I walked to my car, drove home, went to my bedroom, and stood in the middle of the floor looking around. Here are the thoughts I had:

This room...disaster. How did I let it get this bad? Hm...I have no more homework to do. I have no tests to study for. I have no papers to write. I have nothing to read. I have nowhere to go. I will probably be very bored in about, eh, five minutes. I have time. Why not? I have nothing to stop me. Heck. It'd be freakin' stupid to let this room stay like this. That's it. I'm doing this.

Charge! I attacked my bedroom, starting with all of the stuff under the bed. Then, with a little bit of guilt and almost a few tears, I boxed up all of my stuffed animals. ALL of them. And I had to consciously remind myself (out loud) that stuffed animals do not have feelings, and that at 19 years old I shouldn't be worrying that they would be sad and afraid and betrayed sitting in a box in the corner of my bedroom. That ordeal over, I started on the bookshelves.

By that time (and currently) I started wondering why in the world I have so much junk. Seriously, I don't know why I've kept half of the stuff that I threw away today or put in a pile to donate or sell. I'm not even finished yet! I have little piles all over my floor that I still need to sort through, mostly loose papers and random odds and ends. I didn't even touch all of my clean clothes that I need to put away. They're sitting in a laundry basket at the end of the bed. Clothes need to be sorted through, too. And the dresser. And the closet.

Ugh. I probably should have waited to start this project until after choir tour. BUT, the bookshelves look great! Progress!


PS I was much more obsessed with Star Wars when I was younger than I ever realized. I've found so much stuff! Books, posters, toys, games, holy crap. I sure have the Force with me; there's little bits of it all over my room! It's kind of embarrassing, looking back. Gah. I was such a nerd in junior high! And the pictures of Hayden Christensen that keep turning up? Haha...to quote Jason (complete with eye roll and slight shudder), "Thank goodness you outgrew THAT phase!!"

PPS I'm very glad that my psych professor waited until the last week of classes to cut his hair. He was cute before, but this new haircut is extremely flattering. When he walked in the room, I totally forgot about the final. He's so cute it's distracting.

mind muddle...

I can't sleep. Surprise! Here's why:

First, I have a song stuck in my head that I learned way back in fifth grade (maybe 8 or 9 years ago [scary thought]). It's called "Two Little Boys". I remember most of the lyrics and have these gaps (the somethings) in sections:

"Two little boys had two little toys.
Each had a wooden horse.
Gaily they played each summer's day,
soldier boys of course.
One little chap he had a mishap--
broke off his horse's head.
Wept for his toy then cried with joy...something something something...
Did you think I would leave you crying
when there's room on my horse for two?
Climb up here, Jack, and don't be crying
I can go just as fast with two.
When we're grown up we'll both be soldiers...something something something...
Long years have past. War came at last.
Bravely they marched away.
Cannon roared loud and mid battle's crowd
wounded and dying Joe lay.
Then out from the ranks a horse passes by,
out from the ranks so blue.
Gallops away to where Joe lay,
and a voice rang loud and true:
Did you think I would leave you dying
when there's room on my horse for two?
Climb up here, Joe, and don't be sighing
he can go just as fast with two.
Now we're grown up and we're both soldiers...something something something..."

*sigh* Writing it out didn't have the result I hoped for. It's still going through my head over and over again, even though I'm playing other songs. Aaaannoying.

Second reason why I can't sleep: Aries. Always Aries. I don't even know why I miss him! I keep wondering what he's doing, and where he is, and if he's happy, and if he misses me as much as I miss him. I keep wondering if I made a mistake. I'm mad at myself for taking a chance on him when I knew I shouldn't. I'm mad that I miss him. But the worst part is that I wish he was around to hold me and to fix everything, because I can't seem to fix things on my own. That'd just make things worse, of course. Stupid girl.

Third reason why I can't sleep: there is another person that I miss, and I miss him in a very different way than I miss Aries.

Fourth reason: I have a final in the morning. I don't know why I'm nervous for this one. I was able to sleep perfectly fine the night before my math final. This one is just Psychology...I did really well on my midterm...Psychology just clicks for me...so why am I nervous?! Grr.

Fifth reason: There's a friend of mine who I am suddenly scared of. Not because he'd ever hurt me or do anything mean. He's not like that. No, it's because of something he said about a group of people. The words he used? "I despise them." "They disgust me." "I hate people like that." Hm...well, he has no idea that I used to be a part of that group of people. He doesn't need to know, either. But if he were to find out? I wonder how he'd react, and what would happen. That's what scares me.

Dreams are scary sometimes, too. I have lots of dreams every night. Some I remember better than others. One in particular I've had the past three nights. This dream leaves me feeling more exhausted than I was when I went to bed.

The mind is so powerful! Conscious, subconscious, unconscious...whatever. Brain = a very strong muscle, full of chemicals, thoughts, electricity, and all of the other stuff that goes on up there. Sometimes I wish there was an 'off' switch. But then maybe it'd make a person brain dead...not happy. I guess being unable to sleep is better than being brain dead.

I am so odd.

charlotte's web...

Tonight I am very much reminded of a quote from the movie "Charlotte's Web". The narrator talks about Wilbur's inability to get to sleep and says, "When your stomach is empty and your mind is full, it's often very hard to fall asleep."

Amen. There is so much on my mind. And I'm hungry, but I don't feel like eating anything. Which is why I'm up. That quote kept running through my head, as well as all of the other things and it made me laugh.

Finals are next week. I finished my rough draft of my philosophy paper tonight. I'll probably look over it tomorrow before I submit it. College algebra? I just can't. I care so much that it stresses me past the point tears, and I can't see my notes or review sheets. It's pathetic. Psychology final? Hopefully it will be okay. I got 106/100 on my midterm.

I'm upset. I don't know why. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't even study anymore.

Perhaps it's because of the unknown of tomorrow. I may or may not see Aries. I don't want to see him, but I am not going to miss a friend's mission farewell because of this whole mess. It is a mess, one I'm finding very hard to clean up, or keep clean, because it just keeps coming back.

Today was Jordan's birthday. He went through the temple for the first time in preparation for his mission. I made some cookies for him, chocolate peppermint drops. Next time I'll use Andes mints instead of York patties, which the recipe called for. The peppermint candy center would melt and, unlike chocolate, wouldn't reform well so the batter didn't set nicely. I hope he likes them. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Jordan!! I love you!!

Do you ever feel so much for a person that you start to get mad at them? Do you ever look at someone and realize how much you care and just wish you could yell, "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO WONDERFUL?! STOP IT!!" And then you get angry at yourself because it's not the other person's fault. It's entirely YOUR fault. And it hurts, and it's ridiculous. It's all because you know it's not right. Whether it's timing or personality or dreams or any number of factors--it's not right. And all the same, you still wish for it to be right. "Don't wish. Don't start. Wishing only wounds the heart."

He gave me pennies today. Three of them. He found them in Logan, and said that each time he found one, he thought of me.

I'm the biggest drama queen ever. Just a pathetic little child.

My parents gave me a bouquet of roses last night at the concert. I'm looking at them right now. They're so pretty!! I love roses. I'm starting to love daffodils, too. I never really noticed them until this spring. Someone planted them at random all over campus. They're so bright and yellow and odd looking, you can't help but notice them. It's not a bad odd, though. It's a confident sort of odd, a flower of such a strange shape standing so tall and bold, but delicate as it bobs its head in the breeze. Hello, hello, it seems to whisper, I'm giving you something to smile about. Cheer up! Chin up! Cheer up! Flowers. Love.

This post is a tangled web of thoughts. They don't connect, but somehow they do connect, one idea jumping from another. Tangled webs. Tangled hearts and minds, tangled lives.

I love that movie, by the way. I think I will watch it when my finals are over. If I have time. If not, then I'll watch it the week after choir tour.

My finger hurts. The pointer finger on my left hand. Every time I type a key with it, it feels like it's jammed. I'll take the hint and finish.

an attempt...

Parts of today were really discouraging and sad. I am almost 99% positive that I failed my math test. I don't understand how I can get perfect or near perfect scores on the homework but do terribly on the actual test. I wasn't the only one in the class who was frustrated and confused. That thing was rough. Seriously, it was like I didn't know anything at all.

Another sad thing about today was the memory of something a friend said yesterday. I've been trying not to think about it, but it was kind of awkward to talk to him. He gave an honest but rather brutal opinion about something. He has no idea that I'm part of the group that he was speaking against. I wonder what would happen if he did. Of course it doesn't really matter much, but I just wonder, you know?

Third sad thing: Aries texted me and asked me what I want him to do. I told him I don't know, because really and truly I have no idea. His answer was that this is good-bye for now because it's apparent that I don't want him around so he won't stay. Now, I know I should be relieved by that. He made the decision to leave, and I didn't tell him to get out of my life or leave me the heck alone. However, it's strange that I feel sad. I guess that's what happens with friendships: the affection doesn't go away even when you're angry or feel like you can't trust a person. Yes, I am kind of relieved, but at the same time I feel really sad about the whole thing. Moving on is the next step, I suppose.

Now I will make an attempt at smiling, because there are always things to smile about (whether I actually do or not is another matter...I need to work on that). Here are some good things that happened during the day:

1. Last History class of the semester AND I don't have to take the final! No more 8:30am class! Haha, that makes me sound like such a lazy person! I really liked that class. My professor was very good and very kind.


2. No more math homework. Granted there is the final coming up so I have to study somehow, but nothing else is due.


3. My Institute teacher (for Book of Mormon class) is hilarious. He never fails to make me laugh.


4. LDC is recording this week!! We've been working on getting several of our songs ready for a CD. Our men section is incredible. Really. They're fantastic. I don't really know how the women sound, because I'm always singing with them (obviously), but my mom said we sound like angels. I'm guessing that's a good thing. I love singing with this choir. Honestly, it is one of my favorite things in life, and it's one of the best parts of the day.


5. Another four hour nap.


6. I got to talk to Sister Raddatz on the phone for awhile today. Talking to her really helps me so much. I don't know what it is about her, but she just knows exactly what to say. She also listens, really listens.


7. Tomorrow morning I can sleep in because I don't have philosophy or math!! That is so awesome. I'm excited.


8. Cheesecake. Smile much? Mhmmmm.

Everything will work out. Yeah, things are hard. Really hard sometimes. However, that's the way life is meant to be. If you didn't have the hard things, you'd never get stronger. You'd never learn if you didn't have weaknesses. Strength is great, but perhaps it's a little overrated sometimes. Only the strongest will admit that they are weak. It's part of humility. I really need more of that. I will learn. :)

midterms...

Sometimes I think college is going to kill me. I've been told I'm a good student, but honestly, I feel like I have no clue what I'm doing.

The other problem is when life gets in the way of school. Personal issues conflict with school issues conflict with job issues conflict with personal issues conflict with everything else issues...oi vay. This life sure is an adventure.

I didn't fail my tests though. History, as of yet, is a terrible score. At least to me. Yes, there is a curve, but it is against my nature to not stress about things I have no knowledge of. Math was surprising to me: 97/100. What? Me? Shocking, really. No. Really. Shocking. And English? 100%. Say what?

Why am I so down even when things are going well? Ugh.