can I have his number?

I got a text message from an old high school buddy, in which he asked me if I was still dating someone. I told him no, which is true. After the courtesy that's-too-bad-I'm-sorry, he texted me again.

Because this guy is handsome, intelligent, and a good friend, I somehow anticipated that he was going to ask me out. But instead, he asked me if my ex's brother is dating anyone, to which I said no, because he isn't. And then...

He asked me for the brother's number.

I'm sure stranger things have happened.

oops...

That awkward moment when you realize that you invited 119 people to your birthday party.

I didn't even realize I had that many people to invite to a birthday party -- those are just the people that I really like and whose company I find enjoyable. I didn't even invite the "maybe" people, which I usually do. Just the "Yes, I want them to know they're invited" people.

Luckily most of them won't come, because that's kind of how these things go. I mean, can you imagine trying to pack 119 people in the same group into a bowling alley? A lot of people don't even like bowling.

Considering I'm highly introverted, I sure do have a lot of friends.

drop dead...

That awkward moment when one second you're singing "Come Thou Fount" and the next you're staring up at dozens of concerned faces over your head.

Yeah. I passed out in choir today. I'm not really sure what happened. No, I didn't lock my knees -- I've been singing since I was four-years-old, so I'm well aware of that no-no. As a matter of fact, I actually sat down for a whole five minutes due to a sudden headache before I hit the floor. I made it through maybe the first line and a half of the first verse after standing up...not entirely sure when I lost consciousness.

Thankfully, Amber caught me on my way down (according to reports from bystanders). Between her, Jason the EMT, and Jamie the Lifeguard, I was in pretty capable hands (har-har). Dad did drag me to the doctor, which I resent a little bit, and as usual, it was determined that nothing is wrong with me.

I'm probably just super stressed. Not to mention the stress has been amplified because I lost a whole afternoon and evening of homework time, and my first 12-page paper is due on Thursday at 1:30. It's the history paper that my professor said will be graded according to a higher standard than my classmates because I'm brilliant.

Well. I hope she likes disappointment, because the best I can do is much less than I had anticipated. Which is frustrating. I hate, hate, hate doing mediocre work.

School should die. It sure is killing me.

coincidence...

That awkward moment when you and your ex-fiance plan a couple's costume entirely by accident. 

Peter Pan and Peter Pan's Shadow

Upon discovery two days before the LDC Halloween party to which you are both going, you just deal with it and get matching fairy dust, because at that point it's too much of a hassle to make other plans.

And in case you're wondering, I did let my friends talk me into experiencing the haunted house. Honestly, it was less of a haunted house and more an amalgamation of every creepy building and landscape you could hope to walk through. Luckily for me, Adam was attentive to the fact that I was so scared that I was about to pass out from lack of oxygen -- I now know why young men are so keen to take young ladies to these places. Add that to my List of Things I'm Never Doing Again.

That might have been the best LDC Halloween extravaganza to date. Just saying.

uncomfortable...

It's a pretty terrible feeling when you'd do anything to get out of your own skin.

Uncomfortable.

Awkward and uncomfortable.

The only thing that's been keeping me from falling apart today is that my new fosters need me. That and forcing myself to keep moving, despite the pain that's been nagging at me since last night.

I'm so tired. I'm so tired of constantly fighting the thoughts and feelings that tear at my insides. No matter what drugs I take, no matter how many counselors I talk to, things never seem to get better. I try and I try and I always find myself back at square one.

I feel as though there is no one to talk to. I know I have friends and family who will listen, but I worry that I'm a bother. I just say the same things over and over again -- mainly because the fight has never ended. It's the same fight with the same demons, and nothing ever seems to change.

People tell me that I've changed. That I'm doing better. Perhaps because I'm in the middle of it all, I don't see the change.

question mark...

dear World,

Why am I so bad at baking? No matter how closely I follow recipes, things never work out well for me.

Sincerely,

a concerned girl who made rolls which she will not be taking to her boyfriend's house for dinner because these are not going to impress his mom.

at all.


ever.

lore of the folk...

Yesterday I finished my first folklore collection project. Three days of sorting through computer files full of dates, names, and beliefs about different diseases, injuries, and ailments...voila. Complete.

I learned a lot of interesting things. Mostly what not to do. For example, one belief advised treating a burn by covering the affected area with turpentine and then holding the limb over a hot stove. Mmm...false. Turpentine is flammable. Pretty sure that's not going to help.

Or this one: to cure frostbite, stand barefoot in the snow. While snow can help warm up a frozen limb (because the snow is actually warmer than the icy skin and helps draw out the cold [thank you, Boy Scouts]), standing barefoot in the snow is a bit ridiculous.

Or how about eating a mouse to cure a toothache? I'm sure that's fool proof.

The really fun thing has been all of the Google searches that have led me to new, weird, and interesting bits of information regarding many of the "cures" and "treatments" I've been sifting through. Some actually work. Like ginger tea for menstrual cramps. Or raspberry tea for a stomachache. Who knew? Others don't work (see above). Such as vinegar on a sunburn (ow). The acid makes it worse.

Google is awesome.

Anyway, it was a long, rather boring process, but it's finished now. Yay.

However...that assignment was a bit preferable to the one I'm currently working on. Get this: my new project is all of the files containing folklore relating to love, courtship, marriage, and other such topics. Currently, I'm going through all of the beliefs about dating: what to do, what not to do, what to eat, what charms and incantations to use to get someone to fall in love with you. Not that I'd ever do that. Silly. And wouldn't work. I mean, after all...remember what happened with Tom Riddle and Merope Gaunt? Not happy.

Dating files. Advice from clear back in 1886.

Fitting, no?

#"nothappy,Bob"

now you say...

I sit on my wobbly old stool at grandma's kitchen table, eating my pecan pie in a plastic bowl with a plastic spoon. Grandma doesn't like to wash dishes anymore, so she always has plastic on hand. Not very environmentally friendly, but it saves me the job of cleaning up after everyone, so I'm not complaining.

Very few thoughts run through my head. My mind is focused on the pie in the bowl. I eye which sections have the most cinnamon coated nuts, cutting around those bits to save them for last. You can't eat pecan pie from tip to crust -- you've gotta save the best parts and eat them slowly.

A voice cuts through my contemplation, and I look up to see grandma sitting across from me. I don't know how long she's been talking, and I feel a little bad for not paying better attention. Eating pecan pie is a serious business. It requires a lot of concentration -- clearly I was doing a good job.

I listen to her talk for a few minutes, about Christmas angels made out of dish towels and what she's going to do with all of the cards she gets every year from family members. I smile and nod as I listen, slowly spooning pie across my lips.

Grandma stops talking and studies me for a few seconds. I put my spoon down and look back at her across the table, waiting for her to continue.

"You are very quiet," she says.

I almost fall off of my stool. My bowl hits the tabletop with a soft thump. Pecan pie is now the last thing on my mind as I race to find a reply, but before I can think of anything, I feel my head nodding in agreement.

"Why?" grandma asks.

Again, my body acts before I can speak -- I shrug.

"Hm," grandma huffs, pursing her lips.

She's not happy with my response. My brain is still slow and wanting to get back to the pie. I grasp for anything that will be satisfactory to her, and I hear my voice say, "I just don't have a lot to say. I listen more than I talk."

Grandma just looks at me. Apologetically, I shrug again and quietly say, "I like to listen."

She nods and leaves the table, returning to her genealogy program that is open on her computer screen. I breathe a sigh of relief and pick up my plastic bowl of pecan pie.

I never thought anyone would ever tell me that I'm quiet, I think at the pie, But is it bad if I don't have much to say? Receiving no response from the nuts in the bottom of the bowl, I scoop them out and eat them one by one, savoring the rich, dark, nutty taste and finding security in the fact that pie never talks back.

check us out...

I took a chance this Halloween. I tried on a costume that I normally would have shunned like the plague -- not just because it's a tad bit scandalous for me, but because it's tight. And I don't do tight.

But you know what?

I'm skinnier than I thought I was.

Say hello to Black Widow

Off for some lame-sauce grown-up trick-or-treating: Walmart style (because sisters had friends coming over, and the [still current] headache was a bit too intense for legit t-o-t'ing).

And may I say that wearing a skin tight black leotard with boots and pistols is not the way to go if you want to be inconspicuous. Although the number of complimentary (and a little uncomfortable) elevator looks and cheers for "GAH, go Black Widow!" were kind of nice. Validation -- great costume, and I look better than I thought I did. Score.

As for our trick-or-treating...

Candy much? Yes. And yes, those are Avengers sugar sticks.

Kalista, Andrew, Amanda, Alex, and me (Alex was very excited about my costume -- he's pretty fantastic)

This family is in my ward, and they are AWESOME -- they even have Hawkeye!

Happy Halloween from the nerd, Black Widow, Katniss, and the model!

And let's not leave out the zombies, either -- lookin' good, Brianna! 

it's been a day...

I have discovered that if I get to campus 45 minutes before my classes start, I can get a parking spot near the bell tower, which cuts off almost half of the walk to my building from the parking lot. Which, all things considered, is very helpful for me right now.

My professor handed back the exams from last week. I got a B+. Considering I was praying for a C, I did fairly well.

Did 8 tutorials today -- which is a lot less than I usually do during a four hour shift. I've learned that if you take longer with a single student, you can explain things better for them and you do fewer tutorials throughout a shift (no crap, Sherlock). All the same...this job is exhausting.

Mom took me to lunch at the wrap shop on campus. Strawberry Fields wrap equals deliciousness.

There's a(nother) dress at the book store that I want. Note to self: stay away from the clothing sections in the book store. Or, stay out of the book store period.

Anthropology was a silent affair. Literally. Sat there for 39 minutes with no one speaking, and then one person timidly commented on something from the reading. Nothing for another 4 minutes. Then a second timid comment, after which the professor got up and left. The Quakers' practice of silent meetings is really getting to us.

2 hour study group after school and work for the next American Studies exam on Wednesday. Karina and Nelly are fantastic.

Bad and frustrating news from doctors -- I really dislike this whole mess.

My sister took me to Cafe Rio with her tonight -- such happiness. We talked about how stupid and confusing boys are. It was therapeutic. We both enjoyed ourselves immensely.

Going to Idaho on Thursday this week. Watch out, Rexburg. Gonna party all weekend long...with my textbooks and sleeping pills.

Oh, and I got stuck in the elevator today. Tried to walk out and found myself slammed into the back wall. Yeah -- my backpack strap had gotten caught on the handrail. Whatever.

glad that's over...

Well, I either kicked that exam in the face or that exam kicked me in the face. Not really sure which. All I know is that I wrote from the second I got the test to the second my professor held out his hand for me to stop writing -- I literally wrote straight through for 60 minutes. The last minute was so stressful! I had so much more that I wanted to say, and my hand was cramping up, and my handwriting was dreadful.

Not to mention that my professor was standing right in front of my desk while I was finishing up my last essay...awkward.

it finally happened...

You have all heard of the girl who walks through a door expecting to find the familiar layout of a women's restroom. Striding forward, she is suddenly confronted by a strange assortment of faux porcelain that is, at first glance, unrecognizable. After a few confusing moments, it dawns upon this girl that she has not found the women's restroom. Instead, she has accidentally wandered into the realm of maleness. Completely out of her element and absolutely horrified when the realization hits her, she freezes in panic.

She is saved by the fact that there is no one in the room -- she spins on her heel and beelines for the door, only to hear the unmistakable voices of teenage boys in the hallway. She stops dead in her tracks, pressing herself against the wall, praying that they'll keep walking in the opposite direction.

Nature has not called their names, and she begins to breath again as she glances cautiously around the door. There is no one looking her way, and tip toeing as stealthily as she can, she edges out of the men's room and into the hall, clinging to the walls like a rabbit trying to hide on the fringes of a thicket.

Peeking around again, she makes a mad dash and a scramble across the hall, launching herself away from danger and into the safety of a realm she knows. Her heart stops pounding, her breath comes easily, and she thinks to herself, Well. That could have been embarrassing. I'm never doing that again.

And then with a jolt, she realizes...she has become that girl. Oh. Oh, dear.

today...

In the past 48 hours, I have had the following comments directed at me:

• "You're an idiot."
• "This is probably the crappiest job I have ever seen anyone do. It's just awful!"
• "Well, clearly you don't know what you're doing at all."
• "You are not helpful." 

What really bothers me about it all is that
1) I did the best I could with the directions I was given (which were given by the person(s) who gave me the directions in the first place),
2) actually, I do know what I'm doing -- the person who said that has no idea what is needed to complete particular tasks which take time and are a little difficult when there are other people needing my attention as well, and
3) helping a person who can't make up his/her mind no matter how many options I give is not my fault.

 In short, I'm feeling exceptionally self-conscious and awkward with everyone I come in contact with. I don't want to go back to the writing center. I don't want to go back to work. No choice though. And so I'm trying to give people the benefit of the doubt -- maybe they were having a bad day or they were frustrated with things, then took it out on me because I was there.

All of this makes me very glad that the rest of the day was good. My friend Corby took me to see The Avengers with him and it was quite enjoyable (you'll be seeing a review of it later on -- if Ann ever posts pictures to go with it, that is). Corby is one of the nicest, funniest, smartest people I know (and I'm not just saying that because he sometimes reads this blog). Not only that, but he bought me a peanut butter shake at Iceburg, and then we talked for a couple of hours about a bajillion (almost) things. It was great to spend time with a good friend!

Then the evening got better. I got a text message from Brady telling me that I'm awesome times a million in all caps with a smiley face. And my dog snuggled with me for a long time because she didn't want me to put her down. And I realized that school is almost over. And I heard this song on the radio:

 

 

Not so great day ended much better than I thought it would. Good, good, good.

 

a little help...

A common expression I hear and use is "If you ever need any help with anything, please let me know!"

Well. The stuff I need help with is a little difficult when it comes to asking. I mean, who is going to drop what they're doing and help me clean my bedroom? Not because it's a huge job (*cough*) or because I can't do it by myself -- I don't really need someone to help me clean. It's more like I don't want to be by myself.

Same with homework. Nobody has time to come do homework with me. Besides, that's boring for the other person!

Late night phone calls, too. Or just phone calls in general...or face to face conversations. Either I'm too busy or too afraid to talk, or the other person is busy and I'll bother her/him. And so I don't call anybody. Besides...there isn't much to say.

Two weeks and one day until my semester and finals are over. Then off to St. George for a couple of days. Can. Not. Wait.

awkward, funny, what?

From college:

Guy in my Humanities class: "You just like the Sherlock series because of his curly dark hair. All the girls love that."
Reply: "No. I just like the way he holds his gun."

Stats professor: "I should never ask questions on Monday mornings."

Humanities professor: "You can't disagree with a General Authority. That's starting an argument with God!"

From family:

Amanda: "So we were talking about Afrighanistan in class yesterday..."
Interuption: "Afrighanistan? Do you mean Afghanistan?"
Amanda: "What, you mean I've been saying it wrong my entire life?!"

Amanda: "Whenever I squish a Skittle it turns into a shape like an FUO...wait...no! I meant UFO!"

And last but not least...

From Primary:

Little girl talking about how excited her little brother is that her mom is going to have another little boy...finally: "Now he won't be the lone man in the garden of estrogen."

6-year-old boy: "I don't want to get married."
Another 6-year-old boy: "Yeah. It looks stupid. All that work for dumb kids like us. Adults are crazy."

squirrel...

A lot of things are driving me nuts lately. I should get over it.

However, I'm not over it yet. So I'm going to write it down to at least get it out of my head (haha) and be able to sleep for a couple of hours tonight instead of being awake thinking until my alarm clock goes off. Actually a minute before it goes off, because I always wake up at least one minute before the beeper starts. I hate waking up to that sound...it's a subconscious mechanism to avoid the grating ME-MEEP-MEEP-MEEP every a.m.

1. Sometimes I do really stupid things, and because they were so stupid I keep replaying them in my head and feeling my face turn red for a long time afterward. Like tonight at work. Tracy, my manager, had just gone to grab something, so I was at the front counter by myself. I was playing with a pen that we have. It's got a Santa on the top (yes, I know it's March...but the Christmas stuff is still on clearance [75% off, mind you] so the pen is there too) hooked to an elastic string, and a trigger that you push and it shoots Santa out until he hits the end of his rope. Then he bounces back and you do it again. And again. And in my case, again, for whole minutes of a shift.

Anyway, Santa tangent aside, there I was playing with the Santa Shooter, by myself. All of the sudden I whipped the pen around and did this weird ninja kick thing. At the same time I pulled the trigger on the pen and let loose a loud "HeeeeeeYAH!" while punching outward with the pen. And then I realized...I was at WORK, with customers IN the store, so I really WASN'T by myself. I spun back around feeling absolutely mortified, making sure nobody had seen it.

Thankfully, they hadn't. Phew. That could have been as awkward as I felt.

2. English paper. Oh, and the oral presentation that has to go with it. Ima go find a cliff and drive off of it in my car, k? Buh.

3. My Pinterest pin boards have stupid names. When I go to change them, though, I just can't make myself write something like "Valentine's Day" or "My Style". Every body (most-body) does that. I just can't do it.

4. I overgeneralize a lot. It's bad.

5. While I was upstairs in the kitchen studying for the exam I have to take tomorrow (number 6 on the "What's Bothering Georgie" list), I couldn't help but hear what my mom was watching in the other room. Henry V, with the guy who plays Gilderoy Lockhart (I can spell that, but not the actor's name) in the Harry Potter movies. All I did was hear what was going on, and I had to leave. Not wanted to leave, had to leave. And then I cried and felt like throwing up for half an hour. It was awful. It's still bothering me. Hence number 5 on the list.

We've already done number 6.

7. I can't sleep anymore. Even when I'm asleep I'm not sleeping. That doesn't make sense, but it does at the same time.

8. I complain a lot.

Something that isn't bothering me is the SUNSHINE(!!!) we've had all week and it's AWESOME.

happy making...

First order of business: yesterday was a bad day and I'm sorry for being a whiny baby. Thank you to all of the people who helped me through it.

Second order of business: today was a pretty darn good day overall. There have been some hard moments (or hours) but it's been good.

Here's why...
...cute boy (Kyle) from my English class sitting down next to me and talking to me before the lecture started (that never happens so it was momentous)
...97% on my 16 hour monstrosity of a literary review
...+3 extra credit points on aforementioned assignment for my "excellent notations" (the word excellent was triple underlined) so...
...100%(!!!) on literary review

[insert much rejoicing]

...ANYWAY...
...96% on my resume portfolio
...watching a video in my religion class that starred my super gorgeous cool cousin Paul (it's only awkward because we're related...if you saw a picture of him, you'd understand)
...15/15 on my stats quiz for the day...I get ridiculously giddy when I get 100% on a stats quiz
...getting to religion class late = bad, but getting there late to find a seat reserved for you by classmates = good...yay FRIENDS!!! Yay Nia, Derek, and Autumn!!!
...lunch with dad
...Coke...three glasses of it...OH DEAR, maybe that's why I'm feeling so great today...*smirk*
...religion professor turning his head really quickly to answer a question and his glasses flying off his face: "Whoa! Maybe we should just have the closing prayer now and call it good, because that was weird."
...Costco adventure with dad to get dinner (spinach artichoke dip and crackers which dad called a genius idea)
..."Safe and Sound" by Taylor Swift...OBSESSED with this song
...getting a hug and a hello from beautiful Allie Morgan(!!!) at Costco
...BLASTING songs on the radio with the car windows rolled down
...multiple favorite songs right in a row on the radio..."Set Fire to the Rain," "Part of Me," "Make You Glad You Came," "We Found Love", and more...all in a ROW
...found my wedding dress last night (so what if it was actually found yesterday, I'm still excited)...do I need it yet? nooo...do I love it anyway? pretty much...YES
...English professor on Twilight movies: "I'm always distracted by Edward's strange looking chest--why is ANYONE attracted to that?!"
...along the lines of pectorals: "See, now you all know how to get me distracted and frazzled. You just have to mention pecs and I'll get all...like this. And I was so excited for a great lecture today."

Oh, it was a great lecture, Liz. Hilarious.

PS The pectoral conversation was my fault...she asked for a good movie for an example of anthamemes (spelling...she never actually wrote it out on the board) and I shouted out "CAPTAIN AMERICA!" Ready, GO! Cue the comments about buff super heroes, naked torsos, rippling pectorals, et cetera. However, that is not why I like the movie. In fact...the scenes where Steve's musculos grandes (quoting from Jordan's most recent letter to me) are emphasized? Those are the ones where I feel really uncomfortable. Sup awk, guys. SUP awk.

I guess I just have issues with nudity.

brilliance...

I could analyze this video for a very long time. But I won't.

Just enjoy it.


Genius. The angle and the argument and the rhetoric...shut me up now.

But seriously. I could (might) totally write a paper on this.

well. I'm a jerk...

"What happens to me when I'm provoked is that I get tongue-tied and my mind goes blank. Then, then I spend all night tossing and turning trying to figure out what I should have said."

"...I must warn you that when you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you mean to say at the moment you mean to say it, remorse inevitably follows."

-Kathleen Kelly and Joe Fox, You've Got Mail

Have you ever been so sick and tired of hearing the same sort of comment regarding the same things in your life that you accidentally let slip a rather unkind, judgemental blurt of your own? Well. I did tonight. Now I feel absolutely terrible for it.

I went to a Sunday dinner for previous and present LDC members at Preston's apartment tonight. It was to celebrate Cinco de Mayo in February...not sure how that works but I was totally up for it. How could I miss a chance to see my buddies? After spending an hour (I kid you not, an hour) trying to find the place and getting horribly lost I got there half an hour late. I walked in the door and was engulfed in hugs. Then the questions started, "How do you like school?" "Why did you leave the choir?!" "What's going on your life now?" and the like. Feeling frazzled after being lost for an hour and then arriving so late (I hate being late) I answered them as quickly as I could, gradually getting back into the swing of the loud, happy LDC crowd.

One of the girls asked me why I went to BYU. I told her about the program I'm going into, American Studies. She asked me what I was going to do with the degree, and I told her I was going to use it as a background for a Master's Degree in Library Science or Museum Curatorship. Out of nowhere, the guy sitting next to her threw his hands up in the air and said, "I can't believe how many girls are getting Master's Degrees! What a waste, it makes me sick!"

What I should have done was ignore him, but no. No, I couldn't do that. Immediately my frustrations rose to the surface. It was the same sort of ignorant, belittling, small-minded, sexist comment I had been faced with for months and months. 8 out of 10 times (not exaggerating -- It happens ALL the time) my goals and dreams come up in a conversation, some man thinks it necessary to pop off, always basing value on gender. I can do just as much as a man can! I'm just as capable and intelligent! Up until this point I have always, always ignored them or changed the subject, then vented to a friend or a family member, or written it down and slammed the book shut. But tonight I was done with it.

Before I even thought I replied, "Wow. I don't like you already and I don't even know you."

Um...jerk much? Yeah. How do you recover from that kind of rudeness? We didn't even know each others' names. The look on his face...he was definitely shocked. I didn't dare look at my friends' faces to see their reactions.

And so, the past few hours have been spent replaying the situation again and again in my head, mentally berating myself for my stupidity. If I'd just kept my mouth shut, for crying out loud. Nope. Jerk. *facepalm*

surprising...

I am surprised

...by how quickly I can drink a bottle of water.
...that I have cried during every single movie I have watched over the past 4 days.
...because at almost 20 years old I still worry about hurting a stuffed animal's feelings.
...to realize that I go back to school at BYU, of all places, in one day over a week.
...when I get a paycheck from work because I always forget I get paid to have so much fun.
...that John, Ruthie's older brother, gave me such a nice Christmas present (a necklace with my first initial on the chain).
...by how much I miss Jordan.
...at how very awkward I feel around my sisters' friends.
...that sometimes I know more than I think I do.
...when I can eat a huge meal and not feel full, comfortably or uncomfortably, at all.
...to realize that I have only tripped twice in the past five days.
...that it is so comforting to hold a stuffed toy, like my giant, pink, fluffy unicorn (named Agnes).
...by how many of my friends are suddenly pairing off and getting together.
...to find myself wondering if I truly understand what it is to feel love for someone and to feel loved in return.
...at the number of times in the recent past that I have found myself lost for words.
...because despite all of the wonderful, marvelous, joyous things in my life, I'm still lonely.


.