finally Friday...

This has been one of the hardest weeks I've had in a very long time.

It hasn't even been school that's been the biggest stress (until this morning). It's just going to classes, going to work between classes, and doing homework. Same old, same old. Sure, it's not easy, and it's hard to read textbooks when your head hurts and your vision blurs, but you know? There are worse things than school. Much worse things.

Being stressed like this is no good. I keep trying to relax and focus on the good things. Every time I turn around, though, it seems that something goes wrong. I keep being put in positions where I must stand up for what I believe, and then am faced with the consequences for my actions -- friends being hurt and angry, being embarrassed in front of classmates and coworkers, feelings of guilt and insecurity -- each time I do the right thing, I end up being the bad guy.

Not always, I'll admit. The people who really matter haven't been upset with me so far. In fact, they've told me multiple times that I did the right thing, and that I have their complete trust. Others I'm not sure of, because at this point I don't know what their reaction to my decisions have been. I wasn't there to see the reaction. I just did what I thought was right. And it was so hard. Let me tell you, it was so hard.

Get through one more day. At five o'clock, the week is over. I'm going shopping, and I'm doing chores, and I'm going to bed early. Why? Because I can! And because I want to. After all...I'm the girl who looks forward to mopping her kitchen floor every week. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it goes along with what a new coworker told me yesterday at the Writing Center. She commented that I was a nice person, and I asked her how she could tell. "Dude -- you held hands for the first time this summer, you're wearing lavender nail polish, you smile at everyone, and you don't want to kiss anyone unless it really, really means something. Those are nice people things. Especially the lavender nail polish. You should wear it all the time."

I don't know if she was being serious or if she was making fun of me a little bit, but I like to think she was serious. I'm sure if she knew that I like to mop floors she'd add that to the list of reasons why I'm easily recognized as a nice person. As for the lavender nail polish, well. I like it. I think it's pretty. But...I think I'll try baby pink next. Just to shake things up. Because, you know, baby pink is so rocking it creates earthquakes -- didn't you know that?

q and a, yes or no...

Do the new shoes that you bought pinch your feet?

Yes.

Did they in the store when you tried them?

Yes. A little. Yes.

But you bought them anyway?

Yes.

Did you really spend $115 on a hair straightener yesterday?

Yes. Yes, I did.

Did you have the money to buy it?

No. No, I didn't.

Did you even want the straightener?

... No.

Did you talk to that boy yesterday?

Yes.

For 2 hours?

Yes indeed.

Did you send a text about how you like this boy to your sister?

No.

Did you send it to the boy by accident?

... Yes.

You feel like an idiot now, don't you?

.................... Yes.

Do you realize that you don't "like" this boy?

.................................... Yes.

Did you vacuum the floor like you said you would?

No. No, I didn't.

Did you do the dishes?

No.

Did you sleep last night?

No.

Is it because the pain killers didn't help at all?

Yes.

You still haven't called that doctor, have you?

No. I haven't.

Do you realize that you're a mess right now?

... Yes.

Has there been anything good that happened in the last 24 hours?

YES.

Did the guy who attacked Callie really get 20 years in prison rather than just 15?

Why, yes, actually. Yes, he did.

whoa...

For having been caught by a rather flooring cold (because I didn't catch that thing -- there is no way I would ever voluntarily reach out and grab any bug, let alone one as disgusting as this one), I've gotten a lot done this weekend:

...I've cleaned my room so well that you can see almost the entire floor
...almost all of my clothes are put neatly into the closet (minus the ones that need to be ironed)
...I've boxed up the winter clothes (which I find I might need because it's actually been rather cold)
...I finished my FAFSA application
...written an outline for my 251 project
...started up a skeleton blog site for aforementioned project
...written three papers for my internship
...compiled a couple of different music lists of various genres for workouts
...I planned workouts (!!!)
...began working on a budget for The Move
...selected cupcake recipes to practice before I take them to the writing center to share
...went to the library and braved the deathly still fifth floor to find research materials for the project

So yes, I've been productive. I've been motivated and I've made progress. And after all of that...I only have one question:

WHY am I suddenly in tears?!
I don't get it. See, it's one of those times where I feel so very sad, but I don't understand why. I can't explain it, so I can't talk about it. I write things out (a friend told me I'm very good at writing what I'm thinking) and there's no connection. It's just this dumb feeling that has no logical explanation.

Well. That's that. I'm going to make cupcakes. Maybe. This project kinda takes precedence...

a little help...

A common expression I hear and use is "If you ever need any help with anything, please let me know!"

Well. The stuff I need help with is a little difficult when it comes to asking. I mean, who is going to drop what they're doing and help me clean my bedroom? Not because it's a huge job (*cough*) or because I can't do it by myself -- I don't really need someone to help me clean. It's more like I don't want to be by myself.

Same with homework. Nobody has time to come do homework with me. Besides, that's boring for the other person!

Late night phone calls, too. Or just phone calls in general...or face to face conversations. Either I'm too busy or too afraid to talk, or the other person is busy and I'll bother her/him. And so I don't call anybody. Besides...there isn't much to say.

Two weeks and one day until my semester and finals are over. Then off to St. George for a couple of days. Can. Not. Wait.

chipping away...

Slowly but surely I'm crossing things off of my to-do list. I don't know why it's been so hard to find motivation lately! Everything seems to take three times as much energy as it should. I usually don't leave jobs half done, but the past week and a half has seen half done, quarter done, and even eighth done projects. Even at work it's hard to get stuff done. I put out three carts of merchandise today by myself, but there were only two motivating factors: the store owner was working the shift as well, and I don't like the idea of getting paid to do nothing.

At home it's harder. No manager or owner and no pay. I don't really want to do anything. I don't even want to eat. Parker was giving me a hard time about that tonight at work. He kept trying to get me to eat Wheat Thins from the box someone had left from the previous shift. The only reason why I ate when I got home from work was because my head was all fuzzy.

I supposed chipping away at things is better than not getting anything done at all. Better to do things a little at a time with consistency than try to tackle a project and end up making a bigger mess. Case in point, my bedroom. It's almost 3 in the morning. I'm done with that project for now. Perhaps a 16th done. But if I'm honest...probably more like a 32nd. Buh.