Today has been kind of a sad day. I woke up feeling like little pieces of glass had been wedged into my heart and were moving slowly through my veins -- kid you not, it's a real feeling. Your whole body hurts and shakes, and it's worst in your chest, like something has shattered -- and the little shattered bits are radiating out through your arms and legs and toes and fingers. Even your ears hurt.
Because it was such a sad morning, I was grateful for my friend Thomas. He took me to brunch at Denny's, because there was Hobbit food on the menu (and because he said he misses me, and that it's stupid that we're so busy with school). What better than Hobbit food to make you smile? It was such a laugh, the whole time -- I've know him for over a year, but there are so many things I've learned about him since we started spending time together this semester. He's probably one of the most talented, sincere people I've met in my life. I don't think he's afraid of anything. Visiting and laughing with him made some of the blues go away for a little while, for which I was happy. He took me to a dance concert at the college afterwards, and we had a good time watching all of the talented people perform.
Coming home, the sad aches began again. I tried doing homework, and couldn't focus. I tried writing for work, but no words made sense. I tried cleaning, organizing, even sleeping -- nothing.
Finally, I gave up. I went to Target and bought my favorite frozen pizza and some peanut butter cup ice cream. I bought season 7 of Psych through Amazon.com, threw on some sweats, let down my hair, got a plate of pizza, and pulled out my new shimmery, light pink nail polish. And I've been sitting at my computer since 7:45 this evening, watching ridiculous episodes and making my nails look pretty.
I feel a little better. The sad aches are still there, but they're a bit numbed now. I've got good memories of breakfast with Thomas, new funny lines to quote from Shawn and Gus, and pretty fingers.
Part of my brain is yelling at me for wasting the weekend, doing no homework and getting no work assignments completed. Another part of my brain is smiling.
Hopefully my heart will start smiling more, too.
Showing posts with label sad day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sad day. Show all posts
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
want...
There is nothing I want more than to put on comfy sweats, eat half (or more) of a carton of chocolate ice cream, and sing with Katy Perry as loud as I possibly can. Because days like these I want to drive away, just pack my bags and watch all of those shadows fade.
I'm so tired -- and I don't have any chocolate ice cream because I exercised self-control at the grocery store and only bought the things that I really need.
Not sure what's wrong with me today. It's like being really hungry, so hungry you're empty inside and your stomach is tied up in knots.
Although I'm not physically hungry -- I found these preservative free granola bars at the grocery store which I keep in my pockets and eat between classes. I don't get a break at all on MWF, so I snag a snack when I can. Let me tell you, those granola bars are yummy, yummy. Especially the chocolate-dipped coconut bars. And the peanut butter chip bars. Yummy.
2 hours until I can go home. Cannot wait.
I'm so tired -- and I don't have any chocolate ice cream because I exercised self-control at the grocery store and only bought the things that I really need.
Not sure what's wrong with me today. It's like being really hungry, so hungry you're empty inside and your stomach is tied up in knots.
Although I'm not physically hungry -- I found these preservative free granola bars at the grocery store which I keep in my pockets and eat between classes. I don't get a break at all on MWF, so I snag a snack when I can. Let me tell you, those granola bars are yummy, yummy. Especially the chocolate-dipped coconut bars. And the peanut butter chip bars. Yummy.
2 hours until I can go home. Cannot wait.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
sides of me...
The me I've been is a happy me. She's still an introvert, but she reaches out and tries making friends. She learns new things and goes new places. She smiles, even when she's sad. She can focus on the task at hand, or the person talking, or the idea she's rolling around in her head. She reads and cooks and talks and laughs. She doesn't worry as much as before. She takes pictures and writes, goes adventuring and plays just as much as she works.
The me I'm becoming isn't a happy me. She's reverting to the sad, shy, quiet, lonely, afraid person of a year ago. She stays home because she doesn't want to go out, because she doesn't want people. She frowns more than she smiles. She gets sidetracked easily, choosing to spend time on the Internet, rather than exploring the world around her. She still reads and cooks, but the reading is out of habit and the cooking is out of necessity, not enjoyment. She talks a little, and laughs less. She worries a lot. She doesn't take pictures, and she has to force herself to write, living from bedtime to wake time to bedtime again.
I feel like I can't be the me I want to be anymore. I'm trapped in this "not me," uncomfortable, unsure, unwanted in my own head. Or not "not me," but an "other me." I don't like this other me that's resurfacing, this sad and sullen and negative me. I don't know how to get rid of her -- she keeps coming back, year after year after year. But how can you get rid of what you are?
Both girls are me. Both are insecure, but one is able to cope with it more than the other. Both like to be alone, but one is alone because it helps her be happy, while the other is alone because you can't get hurt if you're alone. Both want to love, but one does so willingly and the other holds back. Both live, but one lives well and the other survives.
While on Pinterest today, I read a saying which stated that in order to be the best you, you must first accept all the things about yourself -- the good and the bad. Strengths and weaknesses, virtues and vices; all parts of yourself need to be taken into consideration to be the best you.
I don't really want to accept the unhappy me. I just want her to go away and never come back -- it hurts to feel so down, and it's heavy and lonely and confusing. It isn't even rational -- but what I feel is hard to logic back into happiness. I know the things I'm feeling, but I don't know why. And all of the reasons I've come up with don't make sense. My life is good. It's better than good, to be honest -- it's great. Dad is doing well, Callie is doing better, I have great friends, my bills aren't a problem, my school is working out just fine, I have two good jobs, I'll have a room mate for sure in the fall, the room mate I have now is a doll, I have a good family, my car works, my body mostly works, I'm not starving -- I know all of these things, but I still feel so sad.
How do you accept what you are when you can't stand yourself? When you can't stand the way that you feel, and no matter how hard you pray and study and try every day to be grateful for the good in your life, you are constantly uncomfortable in your own skin, and even worse, your own mind?
The me I'm becoming isn't a happy me. She's reverting to the sad, shy, quiet, lonely, afraid person of a year ago. She stays home because she doesn't want to go out, because she doesn't want people. She frowns more than she smiles. She gets sidetracked easily, choosing to spend time on the Internet, rather than exploring the world around her. She still reads and cooks, but the reading is out of habit and the cooking is out of necessity, not enjoyment. She talks a little, and laughs less. She worries a lot. She doesn't take pictures, and she has to force herself to write, living from bedtime to wake time to bedtime again.
I feel like I can't be the me I want to be anymore. I'm trapped in this "not me," uncomfortable, unsure, unwanted in my own head. Or not "not me," but an "other me." I don't like this other me that's resurfacing, this sad and sullen and negative me. I don't know how to get rid of her -- she keeps coming back, year after year after year. But how can you get rid of what you are?
Both girls are me. Both are insecure, but one is able to cope with it more than the other. Both like to be alone, but one is alone because it helps her be happy, while the other is alone because you can't get hurt if you're alone. Both want to love, but one does so willingly and the other holds back. Both live, but one lives well and the other survives.
While on Pinterest today, I read a saying which stated that in order to be the best you, you must first accept all the things about yourself -- the good and the bad. Strengths and weaknesses, virtues and vices; all parts of yourself need to be taken into consideration to be the best you.
I don't really want to accept the unhappy me. I just want her to go away and never come back -- it hurts to feel so down, and it's heavy and lonely and confusing. It isn't even rational -- but what I feel is hard to logic back into happiness. I know the things I'm feeling, but I don't know why. And all of the reasons I've come up with don't make sense. My life is good. It's better than good, to be honest -- it's great. Dad is doing well, Callie is doing better, I have great friends, my bills aren't a problem, my school is working out just fine, I have two good jobs, I'll have a room mate for sure in the fall, the room mate I have now is a doll, I have a good family, my car works, my body mostly works, I'm not starving -- I know all of these things, but I still feel so sad.
How do you accept what you are when you can't stand yourself? When you can't stand the way that you feel, and no matter how hard you pray and study and try every day to be grateful for the good in your life, you are constantly uncomfortable in your own skin, and even worse, your own mind?
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
q and a, yes or no...
Do the new shoes that you bought pinch your feet?
Yes.
Did they in the store when you tried them?
Yes. A little. Yes.
But you bought them anyway?
Yes.
Did you really spend $115 on a hair straightener yesterday?
Yes. Yes, I did.
Did you have the money to buy it?
No. No, I didn't.
Did you even want the straightener?
... No.
Did you talk to that boy yesterday?
Yes.
For 2 hours?
Yes indeed.
Did you send a text about how you like this boy to your sister?
No.
Did you send it to the boy by accident?
... Yes.
You feel like an idiot now, don't you?
.................... Yes.
Do you realize that you don't "like" this boy?
.................................... Yes.
Did you vacuum the floor like you said you would?
No. No, I didn't.
Did you do the dishes?
No.
Did you sleep last night?
No.
Is it because the pain killers didn't help at all?
Yes.
You still haven't called that doctor, have you?
No. I haven't.
Do you realize that you're a mess right now?
... Yes.
Has there been anything good that happened in the last 24 hours?
YES.
Did the guy who attacked Callie really get 20 years in prison rather than just 15?
Why, yes, actually. Yes, he did.
Yes.
Did they in the store when you tried them?
Yes. A little. Yes.
But you bought them anyway?
Yes.
Did you really spend $115 on a hair straightener yesterday?
Yes. Yes, I did.
Did you have the money to buy it?
No. No, I didn't.
Did you even want the straightener?
... No.
Did you talk to that boy yesterday?
Yes.
For 2 hours?
Yes indeed.
Did you send a text about how you like this boy to your sister?
No.
Did you send it to the boy by accident?
... Yes.
You feel like an idiot now, don't you?
.................... Yes.
Do you realize that you don't "like" this boy?
.................................... Yes.
Did you vacuum the floor like you said you would?
No. No, I didn't.
Did you do the dishes?
No.
Did you sleep last night?
No.
Is it because the pain killers didn't help at all?
Yes.
You still haven't called that doctor, have you?
No. I haven't.
Do you realize that you're a mess right now?
... Yes.
Has there been anything good that happened in the last 24 hours?
YES.
Did the guy who attacked Callie really get 20 years in prison rather than just 15?
Why, yes, actually. Yes, he did.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
sad times...
Before I write anything else, let me say this: I know that there is a ton of beauty and goodness in this world. I see it every day. It's there, it's tangible, and it's easy to see if you are willing to look for it.
Lately the good has been tinged with feelings of sadness. There are a couple of reasons for this. First is that because of the time it takes to keep up with all of my classes, and because of the number of hours I need at work, I had to leave LDC.
The decision to leave wasn't made lightly. I'd been thinking about it for a few weeks. I came up with some ways that I could make it all work, but each time I felt tired just thinking about it. Christmas break came around and I realized something: I didn't really miss choir. I love singing the music and testifying through song. I love learning from Brother Eggett. I love being with my group of girls and guys. But even with all of that, I didn't miss it. Still, I didn't want to leave because I wasn't sure it was the right thing to do.
After thinking about it for a long time and talking to the Lord for awhile about it, I came up with a pros and cons list. The cons outweighed the pros by a long shot. Some people can do it all. I am not one of those people. The good thing about LDC is that I can go back to it when I have more time to be a 100% dedicated member. The bad thing is that by the time I can go back, a lot of my dear friends will be gone, the third years (Sierra, Allie, Jon, Mike, Jenny, to name a few). I hope that we'll be able to keep in touch though! I'll admit it, I miss everyone.
BYU is a hard place to be. It's so, so, so big. I see people I know, but I don't know them. Most of the people I see aren't close friends. Erin, Amelia, and Tiana are there, which is awesome (Erin and Amelia used to be in LDC and Tiana is a good friend from the junior high and high school days), but other than that I don't really know anyone. We're more like acquaintances rather than friends. That will probably change (I hope) but for right now it's a lonely place. Boring, too. Very boring. You can only study for so long, you know?
Third, one of my sisters' friends committed suicide this morning. He went to school with them. I don't know him, but from what I've read and heard today it sounds like he is an awesome, awesome kid. I wish I wish I wish this sort of thing didn't happen. I wish it so much. No one even expected it. It was totally out of the blue. It's so horribly sad.
So, so many sad things happen in this world. A lot of good, happy things happen too. Right now, though, I'm feeling the sadness.
Lately the good has been tinged with feelings of sadness. There are a couple of reasons for this. First is that because of the time it takes to keep up with all of my classes, and because of the number of hours I need at work, I had to leave LDC.
The decision to leave wasn't made lightly. I'd been thinking about it for a few weeks. I came up with some ways that I could make it all work, but each time I felt tired just thinking about it. Christmas break came around and I realized something: I didn't really miss choir. I love singing the music and testifying through song. I love learning from Brother Eggett. I love being with my group of girls and guys. But even with all of that, I didn't miss it. Still, I didn't want to leave because I wasn't sure it was the right thing to do.
After thinking about it for a long time and talking to the Lord for awhile about it, I came up with a pros and cons list. The cons outweighed the pros by a long shot. Some people can do it all. I am not one of those people. The good thing about LDC is that I can go back to it when I have more time to be a 100% dedicated member. The bad thing is that by the time I can go back, a lot of my dear friends will be gone, the third years (Sierra, Allie, Jon, Mike, Jenny, to name a few). I hope that we'll be able to keep in touch though! I'll admit it, I miss everyone.
BYU is a hard place to be. It's so, so, so big. I see people I know, but I don't know them. Most of the people I see aren't close friends. Erin, Amelia, and Tiana are there, which is awesome (Erin and Amelia used to be in LDC and Tiana is a good friend from the junior high and high school days), but other than that I don't really know anyone. We're more like acquaintances rather than friends. That will probably change (I hope) but for right now it's a lonely place. Boring, too. Very boring. You can only study for so long, you know?
Third, one of my sisters' friends committed suicide this morning. He went to school with them. I don't know him, but from what I've read and heard today it sounds like he is an awesome, awesome kid. I wish I wish I wish this sort of thing didn't happen. I wish it so much. No one even expected it. It was totally out of the blue. It's so horribly sad.
So, so many sad things happen in this world. A lot of good, happy things happen too. Right now, though, I'm feeling the sadness.
Monday, January 9, 2012
choices...
Have you ever made a hard choice and felt great about it when you made it, but when it hits you that you can't go back and change the decision you can't help but cry your eyes out?
Yeah. That's me.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
nothing...
I've been sitting on my bed for the past twenty minutes trying to wrap my head around all of the thoughts that are flying through my mind. There is so much going on in my head: to-do lists, conversations, memories, song lyrics, problems I need to sort out, frustrations, lists of blessings and people, things I wonder about. And the strangest thing about it is the utter lack of feeling occurring inside me right now. I literally feel nothing. No pain, no joy, no anger, nothing. At this point I'm merely made up of thoughts that are absolutely disconnected from any emotion.
Earlier in the day I was full of emotions. The range was from one end of the spectrum to the other, from the violent, furious reds of rage to the calm, serene violets of peace. I was all over that ROY G BIV mood necklace palette. For example (just a few):
Anger-I am very, very tired of people who I consider friends trying to discourage me from going on a mission. They all say the same thing: "I don't want to discourage you, BUT..." and off they go with all of the reasons they don't think women should serve missions. If it was just one person, fine. That's one person. However, it's more than one, and it's always a man. I shouldn't care what they think, but when it's a friend saying it, I DO care. I finally just tell people that I don't want to talk about my mission plans with them anymore because I don't want to stay angry or say something that will cause an argument.
Discouraged-See above. Money. Worries about going to BYU. Being unable to keep up with housework. Still coping with some health problems that I don't understand.
Sad-See above. I miss Jordan. I miss Shelby. Saddened by the fact that I can't talk to some of my friends about one of my sincerest desires to go on a mission because they think it's stupid and selfish for a woman to serve a mission (yes, they said that). I also don't feel good enough to go to BYU, and I feel that each good thing I try to do isn't good enough.
Happy-I have amazing friends. I have amazing opportunities. I have the knowledge that the Savior loves me and that I am a child of GOD.
Fearless-With God, all things are possible. So why do I feel sad and discouraged, too? Meh.
Hyper-Caffeine...good friends...making cookies...Christmas activities...BBC's Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle...
Now I've gone from all of that to nothing. Just nothing. No worries, no fears, no anger, no sadness, no happiness, not even tiredness. How can a person feel nothing? The absence of emotion is odd. My mind says it should unsettle me, but I don't feel very unsettled. Absence of emotion, remember?
While I don't feel unsettled, I neither feel content. I'm just here, sitting on the bed typing and thinking. And another nothing: no interest in men. That is weird. It's like I just flipped a switch on Thursday night and any attraction to anybody was shut off. Yeah, yeah...it'll last all of one more day at the most, I know. You don't need to tell me I'm silly. You can if you want to though! I don't mind.
Earlier in the day I was full of emotions. The range was from one end of the spectrum to the other, from the violent, furious reds of rage to the calm, serene violets of peace. I was all over that ROY G BIV mood necklace palette. For example (just a few):
Anger-I am very, very tired of people who I consider friends trying to discourage me from going on a mission. They all say the same thing: "I don't want to discourage you, BUT..." and off they go with all of the reasons they don't think women should serve missions. If it was just one person, fine. That's one person. However, it's more than one, and it's always a man. I shouldn't care what they think, but when it's a friend saying it, I DO care. I finally just tell people that I don't want to talk about my mission plans with them anymore because I don't want to stay angry or say something that will cause an argument.
Discouraged-See above. Money. Worries about going to BYU. Being unable to keep up with housework. Still coping with some health problems that I don't understand.
Sad-See above. I miss Jordan. I miss Shelby. Saddened by the fact that I can't talk to some of my friends about one of my sincerest desires to go on a mission because they think it's stupid and selfish for a woman to serve a mission (yes, they said that). I also don't feel good enough to go to BYU, and I feel that each good thing I try to do isn't good enough.
Happy-I have amazing friends. I have amazing opportunities. I have the knowledge that the Savior loves me and that I am a child of GOD.
Fearless-With God, all things are possible. So why do I feel sad and discouraged, too? Meh.
Hyper-Caffeine...good friends...making cookies...Christmas activities...BBC's Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle...
Now I've gone from all of that to nothing. Just nothing. No worries, no fears, no anger, no sadness, no happiness, not even tiredness. How can a person feel nothing? The absence of emotion is odd. My mind says it should unsettle me, but I don't feel very unsettled. Absence of emotion, remember?
While I don't feel unsettled, I neither feel content. I'm just here, sitting on the bed typing and thinking. And another nothing: no interest in men. That is weird. It's like I just flipped a switch on Thursday night and any attraction to anybody was shut off. Yeah, yeah...it'll last all of one more day at the most, I know. You don't need to tell me I'm silly. You can if you want to though! I don't mind.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
i scream...
For da ice cream!!!
Oh yes. I will scream for da ice cream. Because da ice cream? It's da bestest.
After choir yesterday, I was really sad. I'd been trying to just go along like nothing was wrong, but I guess I'm not good at hiding things (duh). A couple of friends asked me how I was doing, and everything just sort of broke through the flimsy barrier that had been hastily constructed overnight. Sierra and Brady helped me so much--Sierra listened and when she did, I felt a wonderful feeling of safety and reassurance that things would be okay. Brady shared some of his own experiences and taught me that pain and peace can exist side by side (he also shared a scripture that I keep in mind now, Matthew 11:28-30). Both of them helped me to feel peace, and to feel loved. SOOO very thankful for both of them; they are two of the most quality people you can meet.
Ann, Brianna, and Shelby had a different sort of remedy for my sadness. We met up at Smith's in the evening and bought ice cream. Lots--and I mean LOTS--of ice cream. Triple Brownie. Rainbow Sherbet. Caramel Praline. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. Mint Chocolate Chip. And Sprite, to go with the sherbet so we could make frappe. Exciting much? I think YES. We took our miniature ice cream shop to my house, and we used the biggest bowls in the cupboard. Ice cream much? Yeah. It was great to sit out on the porch eating ice cream and enjoying the beautiful almost autumn evening, just us girls. My sisters and my little dog Misty joined us as well. Misty adores Brianna. I kind of think the feeling is mutual!
It was so good to be with my friends. It was so nice to feel loved and cared for, to be accepted and understood. I am truly blessed, more blessed than I can comprehend, to have so many wonderful people in my life.
Oh yes. I will scream for da ice cream. Because da ice cream? It's da bestest.
After choir yesterday, I was really sad. I'd been trying to just go along like nothing was wrong, but I guess I'm not good at hiding things (duh). A couple of friends asked me how I was doing, and everything just sort of broke through the flimsy barrier that had been hastily constructed overnight. Sierra and Brady helped me so much--Sierra listened and when she did, I felt a wonderful feeling of safety and reassurance that things would be okay. Brady shared some of his own experiences and taught me that pain and peace can exist side by side (he also shared a scripture that I keep in mind now, Matthew 11:28-30). Both of them helped me to feel peace, and to feel loved. SOOO very thankful for both of them; they are two of the most quality people you can meet.
Ann, Brianna, and Shelby had a different sort of remedy for my sadness. We met up at Smith's in the evening and bought ice cream. Lots--and I mean LOTS--of ice cream. Triple Brownie. Rainbow Sherbet. Caramel Praline. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. Mint Chocolate Chip. And Sprite, to go with the sherbet so we could make frappe. Exciting much? I think YES. We took our miniature ice cream shop to my house, and we used the biggest bowls in the cupboard. Ice cream much? Yeah. It was great to sit out on the porch eating ice cream and enjoying the beautiful almost autumn evening, just us girls. My sisters and my little dog Misty joined us as well. Misty adores Brianna. I kind of think the feeling is mutual!
It was so good to be with my friends. It was so nice to feel loved and cared for, to be accepted and understood. I am truly blessed, more blessed than I can comprehend, to have so many wonderful people in my life.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
could be worse...
This post is stupid. Beware. But I'm doing it anyway.
Shattered. Devastated. On the upside of destroyed. Lost. Heartbroken. But despite it all, not surprised. Surprised at the pain, though. That does surprise me.
Dramatic and pathetic, I know that. But it's how I feel tonight. For example: 3 hours and 2 sleeping pills later, I still cannot sleep. I can't get it out of my head. I can't get it out of my heart. I can't stop thinking. And after a whole year of trying, I still can't let it go. Even though now I have no choice. I have to. But I can't.
It hasn't been the worst 9/11 ever. I'm thankful for that.
Shattered. Devastated. On the upside of destroyed. Lost. Heartbroken. But despite it all, not surprised. Surprised at the pain, though. That does surprise me.
Dramatic and pathetic, I know that. But it's how I feel tonight. For example: 3 hours and 2 sleeping pills later, I still cannot sleep. I can't get it out of my head. I can't get it out of my heart. I can't stop thinking. And after a whole year of trying, I still can't let it go. Even though now I have no choice. I have to. But I can't.
It hasn't been the worst 9/11 ever. I'm thankful for that.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
feeling...
I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like everything I do is going to get messed up, that every friendship I begin is going to crumble, that every dream I have is going to end in failure. I hate feeling so incredibly sad for no good reason. I hate feeling so trapped by things I don't understand about myself, no matter how hard I try to learn.
I love feeling the arms of a child around my neck. I love feeling the bubbly rush of laughter that comes unexpectedly when I remember something that happened. I love feeling like a hero for bringing a little girl a snow cone on her birthday. I love feeling warm and snug and cozy in a huge hug from a friend. I love feeling at peace when I learn new things about the gospel. I love feeling silly and free with my sisters and closest friends when we just do whatever girls do at the moment is sparks their interest to do it. I love feeling the truth of new information, or having old information validated. I love feeling happy.
I don't hate feeling. What I hate is being seemingly unable to hold onto happiness for longer than a few moments, even when I force myself to remember all of the goodness in my life. The awful, bitter, empty feelings don't go away.
That's what I hate about feeling: when it's not a good one.
I love feeling the arms of a child around my neck. I love feeling the bubbly rush of laughter that comes unexpectedly when I remember something that happened. I love feeling like a hero for bringing a little girl a snow cone on her birthday. I love feeling warm and snug and cozy in a huge hug from a friend. I love feeling at peace when I learn new things about the gospel. I love feeling silly and free with my sisters and closest friends when we just do whatever girls do at the moment is sparks their interest to do it. I love feeling the truth of new information, or having old information validated. I love feeling happy.
I don't hate feeling. What I hate is being seemingly unable to hold onto happiness for longer than a few moments, even when I force myself to remember all of the goodness in my life. The awful, bitter, empty feelings don't go away.
That's what I hate about feeling: when it's not a good one.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
:/...
I don't know why I feel like this, but I don't like it and it won't go away. Each time I try to talk about it, or to ask for help. I chicken out and change the subject to something random, like how the higher the percentage of cacao there is in a bar of chocolate, the louder it snaps when you break it, meaning that the chocolate is richer. That one got me a really weird look once. Or something really obvious, like if you put a piece of ice in your mouth, your tongue will get cold. Another (deservedly) weird look. I don't know why it is so hard to ask for help. Just to ask.
Sometimes I can keep busy enough to keep it...whatever it is...away, and I don't think about it. It's like I'm able to stop feeling and thinking for a little while and just keep moving, working, doing, being. Then when I stop to catch my breath (or try to sleep) it all comes pouring back into my mind. Fear, sadness, loneliness, and the worst of it, anger. Half the time I wish someone would ask me what's wrong just so I could scream at them to shut up and leave me alone. Which is completely ridiculous and unfair, and I'd probably never do that anyway. The other half of the time I wish someone would just hold me and let me cry. Which is also completely ridiculous. I stopped letting people (or at least boys) do that back in the spring. Causes problems, or at least it has for me.
Unfortunately I can't blame all of this on PMS or any other excuse like that because it happens all the time. I suppose we could pin it on depression, which does tend to rear its ugly head even higher near the end of August. Or as a couple of family members have said, it could be due to an attachment to a friend who I am trying very hard not to attach myself to anymore (ha). The idea that a friendship is influencing me like this is an idea that I don't like, and I'm REALLY hoping it's not a factor...so for now I'll stick with the first probable cause. Guess it's time to get back to work on being happy. Weight room, here I come! Unless the creepy guy is in there again...then the track will have to do.
Sometimes I can keep busy enough to keep it...whatever it is...away, and I don't think about it. It's like I'm able to stop feeling and thinking for a little while and just keep moving, working, doing, being. Then when I stop to catch my breath (or try to sleep) it all comes pouring back into my mind. Fear, sadness, loneliness, and the worst of it, anger. Half the time I wish someone would ask me what's wrong just so I could scream at them to shut up and leave me alone. Which is completely ridiculous and unfair, and I'd probably never do that anyway. The other half of the time I wish someone would just hold me and let me cry. Which is also completely ridiculous. I stopped letting people (or at least boys) do that back in the spring. Causes problems, or at least it has for me.
Unfortunately I can't blame all of this on PMS or any other excuse like that because it happens all the time. I suppose we could pin it on depression, which does tend to rear its ugly head even higher near the end of August. Or as a couple of family members have said, it could be due to an attachment to a friend who I am trying very hard not to attach myself to anymore (ha). The idea that a friendship is influencing me like this is an idea that I don't like, and I'm REALLY hoping it's not a factor...so for now I'll stick with the first probable cause. Guess it's time to get back to work on being happy. Weight room, here I come! Unless the creepy guy is in there again...then the track will have to do.
day 84...
As you now know, any sort of gift means a lot to me. This one, however, still stands out. My mom bought it for me when I was having a really bad day. Mom saw this beagle toy and handed it to me, and it made me feel better, so she bought it and gave it to me. I love beagles; they're my favorite breed of dog. The summer before this toy was purchased was the summer my beagle Buddy died. Whenever I was sad, he would always come sit by me. He always knew what each member of the family needed, and he was always there for us. Sometimes when things get hard or frustrating, I go find this beagle toy and think about Buddy, and everything feels a little bit better. I'm really glad that mom gave it to me.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
weekly poem...
Dear Friend
Z.
Running down the stairwell in the garden,
I divide the steps by three, until my
foot catches the edge, wet with rain, and my
frame, flung forward by its own momentum,
leans into the night as if reaching
for something I didn’t know I
wanted. Not the moon. No. Not the sky,
suspended and limitless. Not even
the tulips standing on their stems
(their petals cup the air).
But in the streetlamp’s circle of light, I land
among them, broken.
My body can’t contain
itself, as blood burgeons in my hands.
Z.
Running down the stairwell in the garden,
I divide the steps by three, until my
foot catches the edge, wet with rain, and my
frame, flung forward by its own momentum,
leans into the night as if reaching
for something I didn’t know I
wanted. Not the moon. No. Not the sky,
suspended and limitless. Not even
the tulips standing on their stems
(their petals cup the air).
But in the streetlamp’s circle of light, I land
among them, broken.
My body can’t contain
itself, as blood burgeons in my hands.
Blas Falconer
Thursday, July 14, 2011
i'm not crying...
There is a scripture somewhere that says that some people are blessed with the gift of being able to weep. I don't really see how that's a gift, seeing as I may have it. It's hard to deal with, because everything makes me cry. And I mean everything.
Like the peanut butter commercial where the little boy makes his own sandwich and then tells his mom to check her purse, where she finds a sandwich for her that her son made.
Or when a beautiful chord of music is played.
Or when little Amy throws her arms around my neck and whispers "I will always love you" in my ear.
Or when a close friend compliments me on something.
Or when mom slices onions...not that that is an emotional thing.
Crying, to me, has always been a sign of weakness. I fought crying for years. For awhile, I could never cry. Ever. I used to every day during fifth grade. I'd come home from school and cry for hours. Sixth grade was a little better. Then, in junior high, I just decided that I wasn't going to cry anymore. Sometimes I would--usually it would be during school, around friends, because I could only let go when I was surrounded by people. *shrug* Whatever works, I guess.
During my senior year in high school, things changed. I couldn't help but cry sometimes, when I felt too much to keep it inside. Whether because of happiness, or love for my friends, or sadness that the year was ending, I let myself cry. I wasn't embarrassed by it either. It was just part of who I was, and my friends didn't care either. Well, most of them didn't care. Then last year, my first year in college, crying was okay too. In choir, at least one person ended up in tears nearly every class period, because the Spirit was always so strong. It just came with the territory of being a choir member.
That's changed for me. Now, I hate to cry. I especially hate it when other people see or hear it, because it does happen. Too frequently, I think. I've been fighting it a lot. It's bound to happen. I mean, with Jordan gone now (from now on he will be called Elder Raddatz. At least until he gets home), things are a bit emotional. Sunday night...ugh...how great is it that he'll remember me in tears? And his brother...I as good as ran away from Jason because I was on the verge of breaking down completely.
Tears are close right now. Especially tonight, with Elder Raddatz in the MTC and the official countdown to two years has begun. That and getting some news that is rather painful, but somewhat expected. Some friendships can't last, no matter how hard you try, and no matter how much you love. I guess I love too much, so it hurts when people stop caring.
I'm proud of myself tonight, because tonight, I'm not crying.
Like the peanut butter commercial where the little boy makes his own sandwich and then tells his mom to check her purse, where she finds a sandwich for her that her son made.
Or when a beautiful chord of music is played.
Or when little Amy throws her arms around my neck and whispers "I will always love you" in my ear.
Or when a close friend compliments me on something.
Or when mom slices onions...not that that is an emotional thing.
Crying, to me, has always been a sign of weakness. I fought crying for years. For awhile, I could never cry. Ever. I used to every day during fifth grade. I'd come home from school and cry for hours. Sixth grade was a little better. Then, in junior high, I just decided that I wasn't going to cry anymore. Sometimes I would--usually it would be during school, around friends, because I could only let go when I was surrounded by people. *shrug* Whatever works, I guess.
During my senior year in high school, things changed. I couldn't help but cry sometimes, when I felt too much to keep it inside. Whether because of happiness, or love for my friends, or sadness that the year was ending, I let myself cry. I wasn't embarrassed by it either. It was just part of who I was, and my friends didn't care either. Well, most of them didn't care. Then last year, my first year in college, crying was okay too. In choir, at least one person ended up in tears nearly every class period, because the Spirit was always so strong. It just came with the territory of being a choir member.
That's changed for me. Now, I hate to cry. I especially hate it when other people see or hear it, because it does happen. Too frequently, I think. I've been fighting it a lot. It's bound to happen. I mean, with Jordan gone now (from now on he will be called Elder Raddatz. At least until he gets home), things are a bit emotional. Sunday night...ugh...how great is it that he'll remember me in tears? And his brother...I as good as ran away from Jason because I was on the verge of breaking down completely.
Tears are close right now. Especially tonight, with Elder Raddatz in the MTC and the official countdown to two years has begun. That and getting some news that is rather painful, but somewhat expected. Some friendships can't last, no matter how hard you try, and no matter how much you love. I guess I love too much, so it hurts when people stop caring.
I'm proud of myself tonight, because tonight, I'm not crying.
Friday, April 22, 2011
oh, hello...
What is it with good-byes that only last a day or two? I will give the guy some credit. He graduated from 24 hours of forever to 48 hours of forever. I should have known he'd be back. I spent too much time being relieved and not enough time preparing an answer. So now? No answers. Gah, that is so hard to say! It hurts, more than it should!
Thankfully I have some very protective and smart friends in Brianna and Shelby. I'll put my promise in writing:
I, Georgie, do solemnly swear on my life and my secret stash of emergency chocolate that I will not read any texts or answer any texts/phone calls from Aries. If I break this promise, persons being promised will not be prosecuted for causing injury or for the removal of my personal belongings (such as my phone) until I can maintain my declaration of distance from Aries.
So there you have it, girls. I promise. Haha, OH the drama!!
Speaking of hello, HELLO math review. Man, those hours were painful! After trying to wrap my head around difference quotients, matrices, hyperbolas and other graphs, determinants, sequences and series, logarithms...ugh. What with all of the other stuff going on during the week, I was glad to go to sleep for a little while (after an explosion of tears due to frustration, lack of self-confidence, fear, problems with friends, etc).
LDC's performance tonight was helpful, too. The music was beautiful!! I love singing with these people (we're done in two weeks...I'm not going to think about it). There's something incredible about 70 people bearing testimony together through song. The logistics and mechanics of how a choir actually works in producing sound has fascinated me for several months. It's totally mind blowing. When you get everyone to work together to be one, you can do so many beautiful things with music.
Bad news about choir: After almost 9 months of care, my dress finally ripped. Only two weeks to go and the dang thing finally broke. How lame is that? Oh, and word to the wise: don't grab the wrong end of the iron, especially when it's on. It kinda hurts.
Thankfully I have some very protective and smart friends in Brianna and Shelby. I'll put my promise in writing:
I, Georgie, do solemnly swear on my life and my secret stash of emergency chocolate that I will not read any texts or answer any texts/phone calls from Aries. If I break this promise, persons being promised will not be prosecuted for causing injury or for the removal of my personal belongings (such as my phone) until I can maintain my declaration of distance from Aries.
So there you have it, girls. I promise. Haha, OH the drama!!
Speaking of hello, HELLO math review. Man, those hours were painful! After trying to wrap my head around difference quotients, matrices, hyperbolas and other graphs, determinants, sequences and series, logarithms...ugh. What with all of the other stuff going on during the week, I was glad to go to sleep for a little while (after an explosion of tears due to frustration, lack of self-confidence, fear, problems with friends, etc).
LDC's performance tonight was helpful, too. The music was beautiful!! I love singing with these people (we're done in two weeks...I'm not going to think about it). There's something incredible about 70 people bearing testimony together through song. The logistics and mechanics of how a choir actually works in producing sound has fascinated me for several months. It's totally mind blowing. When you get everyone to work together to be one, you can do so many beautiful things with music.
Bad news about choir: After almost 9 months of care, my dress finally ripped. Only two weeks to go and the dang thing finally broke. How lame is that? Oh, and word to the wise: don't grab the wrong end of the iron, especially when it's on. It kinda hurts.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
24 or forever...
You know Aries told me yesterday that it was "good-bye for now". Well, as of a few hours ago, it's "Good-bye. I hope you have a wonderful life." 24 hours of good-bye turned into a request for another chance, which turned into good-bye forever. All in a day.
He told me that he couldn't stand living without one of his best friends in his life. He asked me to tell him what he could do to make things right. I didn't close any doors on him. I didn't open any doors either. As my friend Kyle said, I "opened the door while leaving the safety chain in place". I didn't walk away. I didn't tell him to leave. I would never do that. I've thought it, and said it to other people, but I don't think I ever really meant it. There is no way in heaven or on earth that I would just walk away from a friend, no matter what they'd done. I've never been able to do that.
He's the one who said good-bye. He's the one who is walking away. Friends tell me that he'll come back. "That's the way he is", they say, "He says he's done but doesn't really mean it. He'll come back. He always does."
I don't know. I get the feeling that he won't come back, and that this forever of good-bye begins tonight. Forever. It's a long time.
I feel mixed up and confused. First there was a feeling of relief. Then there came this odd, crushing feeling that was so strong my legs almost gave way beneath me and I had to sit down. Following that was a determination to keep smiling and to forget about the whole dang thing. Then came a dull but persistent ache, and I found myself fighting tears. Then I couldn't cry at all, even when I wanted to. I still can't cry.
The aching feeling isn't something I expected. I didn't expect it yesterday, but it faded. I didn't expect it today, either. I suspect that this will last a while longer. Somehow I find myself wishing that this good-bye really will be forever, and that he won't come back to the place in my heart that now feels empty. It's best to just let it be, to find something else to fill that space. The back and forth between him being here and being gone is too much of a rollercoaster.
It's amazing what can happen between two people in such short amounts of time. I know that much of the fault is mine, but I don't know how to fix it without getting into serious trouble. He admitted that he's a master of manipulation, more than one time. How can I trust a person who openly boasts of this, calling it his art and his gift? That isn't a gift, in my book, especially when a person uses it to hurt and use others.
Thank heavens for my wonderful friends and family. I don't know what I would do without my LDC friends. I don't know what I would do without Jason (I can't imagine my life without him anymore), and Jordan, and Kyle, and their family. I don't know what I would do without my own family--my sisters and my parents. Even my puppy. I am so, so grateful for them.
Speaking of friends, my friend Brady had his appendix removed early this morning. He hasn't been feeling well lately. No wonder! I'm glad that he's been taken care of, and that he'll be able to recover and be healthy again. He's awesome. I'm really glad that I met him; he's helped me many times this semester. He's one of those people who you just can't help but love because he's so gosh darn kind.
One more day of recording for LDC tomorrow, math test results (yikes), and my last paper of the semester to work on. Tomorrow WILL be good. No boy is going to ruin my life. Sure, this hurts. But I will not let it mess other things up. Remind me that I said that, okay? I'll probably forget and start to mope because I'm silly like that.
He told me that he couldn't stand living without one of his best friends in his life. He asked me to tell him what he could do to make things right. I didn't close any doors on him. I didn't open any doors either. As my friend Kyle said, I "opened the door while leaving the safety chain in place". I didn't walk away. I didn't tell him to leave. I would never do that. I've thought it, and said it to other people, but I don't think I ever really meant it. There is no way in heaven or on earth that I would just walk away from a friend, no matter what they'd done. I've never been able to do that.
He's the one who said good-bye. He's the one who is walking away. Friends tell me that he'll come back. "That's the way he is", they say, "He says he's done but doesn't really mean it. He'll come back. He always does."
I don't know. I get the feeling that he won't come back, and that this forever of good-bye begins tonight. Forever. It's a long time.
I feel mixed up and confused. First there was a feeling of relief. Then there came this odd, crushing feeling that was so strong my legs almost gave way beneath me and I had to sit down. Following that was a determination to keep smiling and to forget about the whole dang thing. Then came a dull but persistent ache, and I found myself fighting tears. Then I couldn't cry at all, even when I wanted to. I still can't cry.
The aching feeling isn't something I expected. I didn't expect it yesterday, but it faded. I didn't expect it today, either. I suspect that this will last a while longer. Somehow I find myself wishing that this good-bye really will be forever, and that he won't come back to the place in my heart that now feels empty. It's best to just let it be, to find something else to fill that space. The back and forth between him being here and being gone is too much of a rollercoaster.
It's amazing what can happen between two people in such short amounts of time. I know that much of the fault is mine, but I don't know how to fix it without getting into serious trouble. He admitted that he's a master of manipulation, more than one time. How can I trust a person who openly boasts of this, calling it his art and his gift? That isn't a gift, in my book, especially when a person uses it to hurt and use others.
Thank heavens for my wonderful friends and family. I don't know what I would do without my LDC friends. I don't know what I would do without Jason (I can't imagine my life without him anymore), and Jordan, and Kyle, and their family. I don't know what I would do without my own family--my sisters and my parents. Even my puppy. I am so, so grateful for them.
Speaking of friends, my friend Brady had his appendix removed early this morning. He hasn't been feeling well lately. No wonder! I'm glad that he's been taken care of, and that he'll be able to recover and be healthy again. He's awesome. I'm really glad that I met him; he's helped me many times this semester. He's one of those people who you just can't help but love because he's so gosh darn kind.
One more day of recording for LDC tomorrow, math test results (yikes), and my last paper of the semester to work on. Tomorrow WILL be good. No boy is going to ruin my life. Sure, this hurts. But I will not let it mess other things up. Remind me that I said that, okay? I'll probably forget and start to mope because I'm silly like that.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
an attempt...
Parts of today were really discouraging and sad. I am almost 99% positive that I failed my math test. I don't understand how I can get perfect or near perfect scores on the homework but do terribly on the actual test. I wasn't the only one in the class who was frustrated and confused. That thing was rough. Seriously, it was like I didn't know anything at all.
Another sad thing about today was the memory of something a friend said yesterday. I've been trying not to think about it, but it was kind of awkward to talk to him. He gave an honest but rather brutal opinion about something. He has no idea that I'm part of the group that he was speaking against. I wonder what would happen if he did. Of course it doesn't really matter much, but I just wonder, you know?
Third sad thing: Aries texted me and asked me what I want him to do. I told him I don't know, because really and truly I have no idea. His answer was that this is good-bye for now because it's apparent that I don't want him around so he won't stay. Now, I know I should be relieved by that. He made the decision to leave, and I didn't tell him to get out of my life or leave me the heck alone. However, it's strange that I feel sad. I guess that's what happens with friendships: the affection doesn't go away even when you're angry or feel like you can't trust a person. Yes, I am kind of relieved, but at the same time I feel really sad about the whole thing. Moving on is the next step, I suppose.
Now I will make an attempt at smiling, because there are always things to smile about (whether I actually do or not is another matter...I need to work on that). Here are some good things that happened during the day:
Another sad thing about today was the memory of something a friend said yesterday. I've been trying not to think about it, but it was kind of awkward to talk to him. He gave an honest but rather brutal opinion about something. He has no idea that I'm part of the group that he was speaking against. I wonder what would happen if he did. Of course it doesn't really matter much, but I just wonder, you know?
Third sad thing: Aries texted me and asked me what I want him to do. I told him I don't know, because really and truly I have no idea. His answer was that this is good-bye for now because it's apparent that I don't want him around so he won't stay. Now, I know I should be relieved by that. He made the decision to leave, and I didn't tell him to get out of my life or leave me the heck alone. However, it's strange that I feel sad. I guess that's what happens with friendships: the affection doesn't go away even when you're angry or feel like you can't trust a person. Yes, I am kind of relieved, but at the same time I feel really sad about the whole thing. Moving on is the next step, I suppose.
Now I will make an attempt at smiling, because there are always things to smile about (whether I actually do or not is another matter...I need to work on that). Here are some good things that happened during the day:
- Last History class of the semester AND I don't have to take the final! No more 8:30am class! Haha, that makes me sound like such a lazy person! I really liked that class. My professor was very good and very kind.
- No more math homework. Granted there is the final coming up so I have to study somehow, but nothing else is due.
- My Institute teacher (for Book of Mormon class) is hilarious. He never fails to make me laugh.
- LDC is recording this week!! We've been working on getting several of our songs ready for a CD. Our men section is incredible. Really. They're fantastic. I don't really know how the women sound, because I'm always singing with them (obviously), but my mom said we sound like angels. I'm guessing that's a good thing. I love singing with this choir. Honestly, it is one of my favorite things in life, and it's one of the best parts of the day.
- Another four hour nap.
- I got to talk to Sister Raddatz on the phone for awhile today. Talking to her really helps me so much. I don't know what it is about her, but she just knows exactly what to say. She also listens, really listens.
- Tomorrow morning I can sleep in because I don't have philosophy or math!! That is so awesome. I'm excited.
- Cheesecake. Smile much? Mhmmmm.
Everything will work out. Yeah, things are hard. Really hard sometimes. However, that's the way life is meant to be. If you didn't have the hard things, you'd never get stronger. You'd never learn if you didn't have weaknesses. Strength is great, but perhaps it's a little overrated sometimes. Only the strongest will admit that they are weak. It's part of humility. I really need more of that. I will learn. :)
Friday, April 2, 2010
blog much?
So, I kind of suck at keeping a blog anymore. I have the time to do it, I just don't. Possibly because I'll be gone for a few days (rehearsing, Choir Tour-epic, hanging with friends, etc.) and just forget.
I do want to update though, because for one I type faster than I can handwrite so it makes journaling easier, and second I want to share. And this is what I wanted to share today:
Now, I don't usually believe in horoscopes or fortune cookies or anything, but today's was particularly appropriate. Here's what it said:
"Letting yourself get emotional over bad stuff is healthy. Don't rush through it, Capricorn."
Mood: Uncomfortable
Compatibility: Aries
WELL, then...guess what? Totally PERFECT for today, except for one thing. The reason I've been "emotional over bad stuff" of late is due to a young Aries. In other words, a young man who is, in fact, an Aries. And today I talked to him about said emotion (he asked). And today Aries was my compatible sign.
I do want to update though, because for one I type faster than I can handwrite so it makes journaling easier, and second I want to share. And this is what I wanted to share today:
Now, I don't usually believe in horoscopes or fortune cookies or anything, but today's was particularly appropriate. Here's what it said:
"Letting yourself get emotional over bad stuff is healthy. Don't rush through it, Capricorn."
Mood: Uncomfortable
Compatibility: Aries
WELL, then...guess what? Totally PERFECT for today, except for one thing. The reason I've been "emotional over bad stuff" of late is due to a young Aries. In other words, a young man who is, in fact, an Aries. And today I talked to him about said emotion (he asked). And today Aries was my compatible sign.
Horoscope FAIL. But, at the same time...horoscope WIN.
say what?
Saturday, January 30, 2010
mapped me...
I was reminded of this tonight by a fellow blogger. I did it about a year ago when a friend tagged me. Let's do it again.
lips: split (i've been worried of late)
eyes: sleepy
ears: selective
mind: agitated
body: listless
heart: empty
I feel too much sadness, and no matter how I try I cannot find ways to push it aside to make room for any joy.
lips: split (i've been worried of late)
eyes: sleepy
ears: selective
mind: agitated
body: listless
heart: empty
I feel too much sadness, and no matter how I try I cannot find ways to push it aside to make room for any joy.
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