back...

Hey, y'all.

After a good 9 days of clearing my head and re-evaluating what I'm going to do with my life, I feel like it's a good time to start sharing my adventures again.

So far, I've done these things:

1. Moved up my graduation date from December 2014 to April 2014 -- Spring/Summer term scholarships create great incentive to get the heck out of here.
2. Decided NOT to serve a full-time mission for sure.
3. Made plans to reapply to UVU after graduating to complete the photography certificate, a year long program that I've had my eye on for awhile (because BYU has been sending me emails telling me that I have a lot of credits and should think about graduating).
4. Also decided to do MATC's culinary arts program, just for kicks.
5. Started checking out grad schools and have narrowed it down to three or four, none of which require me to leave the state -- holla for accredited satellite programs.
6. Gotten myself in debt to the bank for the first time in my life -- yay for emotional spending sprees. But it is pretty worth it -- got my first pedicure (the polish matches my eyes) and my first pairs of American Eagle jeans (because my favorite pair died). And a Build-a-Bear. Because I needed something to hug.
7. Rented a puppy.

What? Rented a puppy, you ask? 

Why, yes. I actually scheduled that before Adam broke up with me (hence the blog break for a little while), and when little Toby showed up two days after things fell apart, he was a welcome distraction.

 This is Toby. Adorbs, isn't he?

this bone is Toby-size for his convenience

Kinda wish I could keep him, because he is such a little love. Puppies (and dogs in general) just make everything better.

Anyway. I'm back. I've got what I want figured out, and I'm feeling pretty good. There are hard moments, obviously. My life is pretty great, though. I'm a lucky girl.

I've been lucky for a long time.

real intent...

The young teacher studies the faces of her three students, certain that they are bored with the material and are only being quiet due to the promise of a treat at the end of the lesson. She recites the principles of the lesson she has studied from the manual, asking questions of the children, trying to read in their eyes if they're getting it.

This isn't working, she thinks quietly, I'm not saying the right thing.

And so she lets go of the plan -- the manual no longer matters. Her topic no longer matches the outline, and the tie-in to the lesson plan is a stretch.

But it works.

She bears her testimony of the Holy Ghost, sharing stories of when she has been protected, guided, comforted, even corrected -- that "if we keep the commandments, and promise to remember the Savior, we will always have the Spirit to be with us."

She watches as each child smiles, saying nothing. They look at each other, and back at her.

"Does that make sense?" the teacher asks the children, praying that something clicked.

"Yes," the three children say together.

To demonstrate her understanding, one of the children brings up a time when her parents where helped by the Holy Ghost to make a decision.

"Exactly!" the teacher responds, "That's exactly right."

They got it, she thinks, ecstatic, they got something.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, the little girl in the class clears her throat.

"You shouldn't get married yet, teacher."

The teacher is surprised at the out of nowhere statement, and asks, "Oh? Why not?"

The children look at each other for a moment, and one of the little boys answers, "Because you need to go on your mission first." As he speaks, the other two children nod in agreement, silently but emphatically seconding his reason.

Still surprised and wondering how this came about, the teacher asks a second question, "A mission? Really?"

All three students say, "YES," together, firm and clear.

She is puzzled -- her students telling her she needs to go on a mission. Why would they think that? she wonders quietly. And in her curiosity, she timidly asks a third question, bracing herself for whatever response will be given.

"Do you think I'd be a good missionary?"

Again, the children look to each other before answering. The little boy who spoke before shrugs and says, "That depends."

The teacher laughs a little, "Depends on what?"

She is met with three solemn stares, gazes serious and sincere. Her eyes are caught by the little girl, who studies her face before speaking.

"Depends on why you're going."

the worst kind of heartbreak...

Disclaimer: all of what I have written may come across as selfish, childish, and ridiculous. It's honest, though. Straight from the heart.

For almost four years, I have set my eyes on serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I was one of the only girls in high school who was considering it. Many of my friends would say things like, "wow, good for you -- a mission is so not for me," or "I'm so not interested in serving a mission." Some of the girls would think me a little strange for my desire to go, and many of the boys said things like, "yeah, you'll change your mind when you get into college -- girls don't have to go."

As I grew older, I still desired to serve a mission. Often times that desire was put down by other people (I've written before about what many male friends have said to me concerning my goal). Words like "it makes me sad that so many girls are serving missions -- they're needed as wives and mothers, not missionaries," and the ever present "you'll change your mind when you meet that perfect guy" were thrown at me a lot. It made me so angry -- I didn't want to serve a mission because I wasn't dating (quite frankly, I care more about the status of my kitchen floor than I do about dating -- I hate dating). It also bothered me because the general authorities have encouraged women to serve missions, saying that women are able to reach people that the men can't. A woman who wanted to serve a mission because of a desire to serve the gospel was totally in the right, according to church policies. That's why I wanted to go. It's why I still want to go.

This summer, I began to feel that the timing of a mission was not right for me yet. I received a "no -- not right now" answer from the Lord twice, once in my bedroom and again as a confirmation of that answer in the temple, when I went to "double-check." I felt impressed to focus on my schooling, because I am more than halfway through with my degree, and to get as many educational experiences through BYU as possible.

Never have I been 100% satisfied with the "no -- not right now" answer. I say that I am, and I try to be, but it's been hard. Often times I've prayed for patience to follow through based on the answers I've been given, but it's been difficult. That difficulty was increased exponentially due to the announcement President Monson gave yesterday morning, right at the beginning of the first session of our General Conference.

When I heard that the age for worthy sisters had been dropped from 21 to 19, I was surprised. However, I didn't feel upset -- or not super upset. I felt a little bothered, but nothing important. As the day went on, though, and as I got text messages from friends asking me if I was going to go this year, I began to feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness and disappointment. Most people don't know that I have put my mission plans on hold, almost indefinitely. I haven't told very many people -- around here, many people automatically assume that the reason a person is no longer going on a mission is because a big mistake was made. I didn't make a mistake -- I just got told to hold off.

Those feelings of sadness increased as I received news from my younger sister that she will no longer be applying for college for next year, but will instead begin work on her mission papers in January and leave as soon as she turns 19 in July. I felt even more disappointed when my 16-year-old sister texted me that she is going to go on a mission as well in two years (she turns 17 in January), and that she was so excited to receive that answer from the Lord. I turn 21 in January, but no mission papers will be sent this year to Salt Lake with my name on them.

Getting on Facebook made it even worse. Countless status updates, pictures, and other posts met my eyes, each from young men who are moving up their mission dates and from young women who had never before considered missions (and some who have even criticized me for my desire), each expressing with enthusiasm and delight that they were scrapping their college applications and working on mission papers, or altering their goals to include a now possible mission.

I scrolled through my news feed until I could no longer see the screen because of the tears falling from my eyes. My entire being felt shattered, left out, even let down. I began to pray, asking God to change His mind, not really expecting Him to do so. I told God how upset I was -- how all of my life, everything that I have ever desired with my whole soul has been taken away from me, or I have been told to wait. I have watched both of my sisters receive every desire I've ever wanted and was never given -- leads in the school musical, positions on the choir council, relationships that have lasted more than four years, more attention and recognition from my parents, dates with good boys every other weekend -- I can honestly say that almost everything that I have ever desired has never been given me. And I was angry -- I was angry and heartbroken, and I told God that.

The more upset and heartbroken I began to feel, the more I tried to force myself to think of all of the good things that have been given to me, instead of the things I wanted. I got into BYU, even though I didn't think that I would and didn't really care to. I received an internship and a job that I didn't even know existed. I've been given friends who, though they have only been in my life for a couple of years, have been better friends than most of the people I knew when I was younger. No, I don't get to be in plays or in choirs, but I get other things.

But it has still been so hard. All day yesterday, and most of the night, found me in tears, frustrated and devastated because of my "no -- not right now." I recognize that it isn't a "NO" answer. It's a wait and be patient answer.

Being told to wait is one of the hardest things the Lord has asked me to do -- and that is what He asks of me the most.

This, for me, is the worst kind of heartbreak, because it's another time in my life where a righteous desire of my heart has been kept from me, and I've had to watch people who were never interested (or sometimes less qualified) receive those opportunities. I'm not saying that a mission is totally kept from me -- but not given to me when for so long, I have felt such an overwhelming desire to go and serve. What is hard is watching the people I went to high school with, who had no desire to serve a mission, suddenly take off and leave two months after making their decisions. What is hard is knowing that my sister, who is two years younger than I am, will be going on a mission before me, when she had little desire to do so in the first place, wanting to focus on school and see what happened as she got older.

What is hardest is to continually be told, "be patient," and nothing seems to change -- not with my health, not with my friendships, not with my family relationships, not with anything.

I will be patient. I won't give up. I'm not going to distance myself from the Lord (for as someone said in conference, moving away from the Lord when faced with a trial is like leaving the safety of the underground shelter when a tornado is in the field next door). I know that this will be for the best -- the Lord told me to wait for a good reason. Everything that He has done in my life has been for a better reason than I ever could have seen.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct thy paths."

I will do it. He'll take care of everything.

Speaking honestly, though...that doesn't mean it doesn't break my heart.

nothing...

I've been sitting on my bed for the past twenty minutes trying to wrap my head around all of the thoughts that are flying through my mind. There is so much going on in my head: to-do lists, conversations, memories, song lyrics, problems I need to sort out, frustrations, lists of blessings and people, things I wonder about. And the strangest thing about it is the utter lack of feeling occurring inside me right now. I literally feel nothing. No pain, no joy, no anger, nothing. At this point I'm merely made up of thoughts that are absolutely disconnected from any emotion.

Earlier in the day I was full of emotions. The range was from one end of the spectrum to the other, from the violent, furious reds of rage to the calm, serene violets of peace. I was all over that ROY G BIV mood necklace palette. For example (just a few):

Anger-I am very, very tired of people who I consider friends trying to discourage me from going on a mission. They all say the same thing: "I don't want to discourage you, BUT..." and off they go with all of the reasons they don't think women should serve missions. If it was just one person, fine. That's one person. However, it's more than one, and it's always a man. I shouldn't care what they think, but when it's a friend saying it, I DO care. I finally just tell people that I don't want to talk about my mission plans with them anymore because I don't want to stay angry or say something that will cause an argument.

Discouraged-See above. Money. Worries about going to BYU. Being unable to keep up with housework. Still coping with some health problems that I don't understand.

Sad-See above. I miss Jordan. I miss Shelby. Saddened by the fact that I can't talk to some of my friends about one of my sincerest desires to go on a mission because they think it's stupid and selfish for a woman to serve a mission (yes, they said that). I also don't feel good enough to go to BYU, and I feel that each good thing I try to do isn't good enough.

Happy-I have amazing friends. I have amazing opportunities. I have the knowledge that the Savior loves me and that I am a child of GOD.

Fearless-With God, all things are possible. So why do I feel sad and discouraged, too? Meh.

Hyper-Caffeine...good friends...making cookies...Christmas activities...BBC's Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle...

Now I've gone from all of that to nothing. Just nothing. No worries, no fears, no anger, no sadness, no happiness, not even tiredness. How can a person feel nothing? The absence of emotion is odd. My mind says it should unsettle me, but I don't feel very unsettled. Absence of emotion, remember?

While I don't feel unsettled, I neither feel content. I'm just here, sitting on the bed typing and thinking. And another nothing: no interest in men. That is weird. It's like I just flipped a switch on Thursday night and any attraction to anybody was shut off. Yeah, yeah...it'll last all of one more day at the most, I know. You don't need to tell me I'm silly. You can if you want to though! I don't mind.

is this a test?

I got some news today that, although not entirely unexpected, was still a bit of a blow. It wasn't a blow to my confidence or anything that broke my heart, but more of a tremor in my personal faith. Why would I not receive something that was promised to me by the Lord who never breaks a promise?

The hard thing for me right now is to have faith in something I'm not sure of. I'm not good at just stepping back and saying, 'Oh, well! Time to just be happy not knowing and keep living life.' I'm very much about having the perfect answer. I want ANSWERS. Without an answer I feel lost and afraid and unsure. I don't know which direction to go, which decision to make, and I worry about everything. So my knee-jerk reaction today was 'Crap. CRAP. Crap. How do I have faith in something I'm not even sure will happen? How do I move forward when I have no direction and am so unsure? I mean...the Lord wouldn't lie to me. Right? Right! But...wha...huh?'

And then I got to thinking...that's what faith IS. To believe in and hope for things that are unseen, that are for us uncertain, that we don't have answers about at this present time. Then after some more thinking...Heavenly Father isn't a yes or no man. Especially when it comes to a no answer. The Lord never really says, "NO!" It's more of a "Not yet, little one. I know your dreams, your fears, and your desires. Still, I am your Father, and I know when to let you know what is in store. Keep moving forward in faith and obedience. I will guide the way."

God doesn't force us to do anything. He also doesn't tease us with empty words and flat promises. He lets us make choices and as long as we do our best--MY best--to do as he asks me, he will bless me. He knows that the things I want are good. He also knows when it will be best for me to receive these things, and even when it is best for me to give.

Faith. Isn't it about believing?

Alma 32:21
"And now as I said concerning faith—faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."

Doctrine and Covenants 105:19
"I have heard their prayers, and will accept their offering; and it is expedient in me that they should be brought thus far for a trial of their faith."

1 Peter 1:7
"That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:"

Ether 12:6
"And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."

Moroni 7:42
"Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope."

Alma 32:36
"Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither must ye lay aside your faith, for ye have only exercised your faith to plant the seed that ye might try the experiment to know if the seed was good."

Doctrine and Covenants 63:11
"Yea, signs come by faith, unto mighty works, for without faith no man pleaseth God; and with whom God is angry he is not well pleased; wherefore, unto such he showeth no signs, only in wrath unto their condemnation."

Moroni 7:28
"For he hath answered the ends of the law, and he claimeth all those who have faith in him; and they who have faith in him will cleave unto every good thing; wherefore he advocateth the cause of the children of men; and he dwelleth eternally in the heavens."

Ether 12:7
"For it was by faith that Christ showed himself unto our fathers, after he had risen from the dead; and he showed not himself unto them until after they had faith in him; wherefore, it must needs be that some had faith in him, for he showed himself not unto the world."

Alma 44:4
"Now ye see that this is the true faith of God; yea, ye see that God will support, and keep, and preserve us, so long as we are faithful unto him, and unto our faith, and our religion; and never will the Lord suffer that we shall be destroyed except we should fall into transgression and deny our faith."

Alma 32:26
"Now, as I said concerning faith—that it was not a perfect knowledge—even so it is with my words. Ye cannot know of their surety at first, unto perfection, any more than faith is a perfect knowledge."