my wee ones...

Another post dedicated to my foster children. Because who can resist faces this cute?

Tasha and Thor -- Tasha her silly self as always, and Thor showing off his good side

I love this girl.

And he loves the camera.

Adorbs, right?

study puppies...also, this is post 1111...what.

Nelly, Thor, and Tasha -- keepin' me company

Kevin -- King of the Pillow Mountain

small = cute...

Unless it's a spider. Spiders are small (usually) but they are not, I repeat, NOT. Cute.

But these little guys are!

These are our new fosters!

They're about two and a half weeks old now. They recently received their names, after a period of the black on being called Tan and the cream one being called Black (a la Psych Season 5, Episode 15 "Black and Tan: A Crime of Fashion").

We now call them Thor and Tasha. Thor, the big one on the left, is so named because he is twice the size of his sister and big, blonde, and beautiful. Tasha, the one on the right, is short for Natasha Romanov because of her sassy little attitude and her ability to pull herself out of any kind of scrape with ease.

They can sleep anywhere.

Thor hates having his picture taken, funnily enough.

Aw.

Tasha is "my" puppy, though she will let anyone cuddle her as long as they produce body heat.

Yeah. I love being a foster mom.

i am iron maiden...

False.

While I would like to believe that I embody qualities of Tony Stark, as in the ability to laugh in the face of danger and be phased by nothing, that is the absolute opposite of the truth. Case in point, sitting through Iron Man 3 was a nightmare. After wobbling through the parking lot, desperate to get to my car and on my way home, a panic attack ensued, leaving me so exhausted and shaky that I could barely drive.

Yep. The film was a bit too intense for this girl. Objectively, I believe that it is the best of the three when you look at character and plot development, as well as graphic quality. The film also had an actual bad guy who was legitimately frightening. Stark's other nemeses? Snore. Subjectively, not my favorite film, and one I probably will avoid in the future in favor of a Psych marathon or Captain America.

Second severe anxiety episode this weekend. Thank heaven for good friends who let you spill how you feel, who don't judge you for the crazy thoughts you share, and hug you tight so you feel safe.

Also, the puppies are seven days old as of this morning. Their eyes opened yesterday, and they are precious. I'll post some pictures as soon as I get my camera back from my sister -- can't believe she's graduating this week. It's a wee bit insane.

my little puppy loves...

from left to right: Lily, Bowser, and Teddy 

little things that make me smile...

There are certain things in life that I cannot keep from smiling about. To some they may seem like silly things. To me, they mean the world.

Like...

...making friends with a brown squirrel on the walk across campus

...signing up for music lessons because I can

...seeing little Teddy run up to me when I get home and snuggle as close to me as he can (he does that to no one else)

...hearing birds singing in the morning sunshine

...watching a butterfly skim the grass on colorful wings

...feeling Adam run his fingers through my hair (I don't know why I love that so much)

...looking outside and seeing the little ones playing in the backyard or snuggling up close in their kennel

...sitting on the kitchen floor under the light of the stove drowning Oreos in milk (because that is the closest I will ever come to murder)

...snuggling down in warm covers, pillows, and teddy bears after a long day at school and work

...hugging daddy

...receiving kisses and cuddles from Misty and Molly when I visit my parents' house

...driving with the windows down and the music turned up

...walking through grocery stores for fun

...getting a soft kiss on the forehead

...eating a big bowl of freshly baked brownies with vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup on top with my special spoon

...being held close enough and long enough to hear heartbeats synchronizing

...talking to a long time friend and realizing how much you can learn about a person by listening, even after years of conversations

...drinking a cup of horchata in the spring, a glass of strawberry lemonade in the summer, a tumbler of herbal tea in the fall, a mug of        cinnamon hot chocolate in the winter

...laughing until your cheeks hurt and your sides ache from the giggles

...climbing a tree barefoot

...playing on the kids' jungle gym at the complex park even though you're a grown-up and your boyfriend barely fits on the swings

...gazing at the stars - or the clouds - or the clear blue sky

...opening a package, a parcel, a letter, addressed to you

...baking cookies late at night with someone you love

...cooking dinner for more than one person

...washing dishes in such a way that it becomes an all-out water war (but don't get it on the carpet)

...kissing good-night, soft and sweet and promising tomorrow

puppy lovin'...

I love these kids -- so, so sweet.

Chelley and I are happy, happy mommies.

da babies is HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I  know this probably looks super, super weird. There is a legitimate reason for three grown-ups of both genders to be pushed up against each other in the bathroom.

BABIES!!!!!!!

Our three little foster babies are here!!

These three kiddos were on the kill list of a Denver shelter. Chelsea saw these three and three other puppies from the same litter posted on Facebook as needing a foster home asap. We eagerly volunteered our home and have spent the last three days dying in suspense.

And here they are! Highly in need of a bath, some dinner, and lots of love -- all of which they received with little hesitation.

Here we have Jeffy with little Lily and Chelley with Baby Bowser.

Here's me with my tiny Theodore, or Teddy Bear as I call him. And there are the babies all in a row.

Our photographer, Adi Bear.

And after a long day of travel, bath time, and play, it's time to sleep.

back...

Hey, y'all.

After a good 9 days of clearing my head and re-evaluating what I'm going to do with my life, I feel like it's a good time to start sharing my adventures again.

So far, I've done these things:

1. Moved up my graduation date from December 2014 to April 2014 -- Spring/Summer term scholarships create great incentive to get the heck out of here.
2. Decided NOT to serve a full-time mission for sure.
3. Made plans to reapply to UVU after graduating to complete the photography certificate, a year long program that I've had my eye on for awhile (because BYU has been sending me emails telling me that I have a lot of credits and should think about graduating).
4. Also decided to do MATC's culinary arts program, just for kicks.
5. Started checking out grad schools and have narrowed it down to three or four, none of which require me to leave the state -- holla for accredited satellite programs.
6. Gotten myself in debt to the bank for the first time in my life -- yay for emotional spending sprees. But it is pretty worth it -- got my first pedicure (the polish matches my eyes) and my first pairs of American Eagle jeans (because my favorite pair died). And a Build-a-Bear. Because I needed something to hug.
7. Rented a puppy.

What? Rented a puppy, you ask? 

Why, yes. I actually scheduled that before Adam broke up with me (hence the blog break for a little while), and when little Toby showed up two days after things fell apart, he was a welcome distraction.

 This is Toby. Adorbs, isn't he?

this bone is Toby-size for his convenience

Kinda wish I could keep him, because he is such a little love. Puppies (and dogs in general) just make everything better.

Anyway. I'm back. I've got what I want figured out, and I'm feeling pretty good. There are hard moments, obviously. My life is pretty great, though. I'm a lucky girl.

I've been lucky for a long time.

pain killers...

Do you ever have days (or weeks or months) where things just seem to hurt? Circumstances and experiences, memories, whatever, things just sometimes are really, really, really hard. It's part of life, pain. All types of it.

I have found some pain killers this weekend that work very well. Some of them are surprising, and others not so much, but each one has made things a little easier to deal with.

1. Doing math problems


I have no concrete reason for why this helps. By all rights I call myself crazy for including this. However, I have a theory: when I'm focused on computations and numbers, I don't have time to think about all of the things that are bothering me. I only have space in my head to calculate numbers and remember theorums and formulas. Those are problems I can solve. There is also an answer key so when I do get stuck, I can work through problems step by step until I can do it perfectly on my own.

2. Running through the rain
I've been praying for a really good storm to happen at a time that I could go out and play in it. Today, my prayer was answered. Yes, it didn't really rain today, but close enough. It hailed, a super big cloud burst of ice and freezing water that left puddles in seconds. I put on my shoes and ran out into the storm, my only goal to get totally soaked in as little time as possible (boy, did I get wet). There was something incredible about running as fast as I could through the ice, my hair blowing in my face and water soaking into my clothes and shoes. It was so cold, and I felt more alive than I have in a long time. Some of the ache seemed to wash away. Every time I purposefully splashed through a puddle, or tipped my head to the sky while twirling in circles in the road, I felt free.

3. Flowers
My parents gave me a bouquet of roses at my last concert with LDC. Emilyann brought me a bouquet of flowers yesterday for Easter, saying she knew I'd been really stressed and wanted me to know that she loves me. Her adorable little siblings came, too. They are the sweetest kids, just like their big sister. Flowers are beautiful. Here. I'll show you. The first picture is of the flowers from Emilyann. The second is the bouquet from my parents:



Need I say more about flowers? They say enough for themselves. :)

4. Puppies
My dog is adorable. She's not really a puppy anymore, but she's still a sweetheart. I love my little Misty.



5. Friends


Yes, sometimes friends create more pain than they are worth--or so it would seem. Something I've been trying to remember is that while some people may walk away, the Lord puts people in their place. During this whole adventure with Aries, I've found that my heart is full of more people than I ever could have imagined. I have so many incredible people in my life. They help me every day, whether through bringing flowers like Emilyann did, shooting me a text message to say hello, sitting by me so I'm not totally alone, letting me spend time with them and their families, or just saying hello while walking across campus and running into me...I have super awesome people to hang out with. From friends I made in high school to new ones in college, I am so blessed.





6. My Family
I'm not kind enough to my family. They put up with me anyway. I don't know why they do it. Even on the days when I'm super grumpy and unhappy, they still make an effort to show that they love me. It amazes me that they care so much. I don't know why they do. I'm grateful for them though, that they do keep me around and try to help, even when I don't think I want any help. I love them so much. They're wonderful.



I have cute sisters, don't I? They are probably two of my bestest friends in the world. Yeah, we fight, but these two are part of the few who know me well enough to get me to smile even when I am determined not to.





These are some of the natural pain killers I have found. They tend to work better than Ibuprofen or Tylenol (those make me nauseous anyway). I know that some days will be harder than others, no matter how hard I try to be happy and to recognize all of the good. Sometimes it's just hard. Still, I'm grateful for the little things, like rain and flowers and good times with good people. To me, those things aren't so little. They're huge, because they make all the difference in my life.

provo canyon adventure...

Since losing our little friend, my family and I have been making an extra effort to help Misty out. She's kind of lost herself. Buddy was her best friend, and she sometimes will be looking for him or sitting out in the yard staring at his favorite place to lie down. So, we decided that it was time to get out of the house and take her somewhere new.

Last Saturday we took a trip up to the Provo River Falls, way up the canyon on the way to Mirror Lake. It's one of my favorite places in the world, and was one of Buddy's favorites too. Misty had never been there without him, and I hadn't either. It was strange, but it was a good place to think and get things straightened out in my head. Here's a bit of a glimpse of our trip:

We stopped at the Fish Hatchery, mostly because I was so car-sick that I could hardly move. There was no one there, no tours going on, and not very many fish. So, Misty led the way to a wooden deck overlook. She was quite interested in the small, brown rock-chucks and red-winged blackbirds that were scampering about the ground and sky. See all of those little brown dots in the second picture? Rock-chuck playground!





I have been to the falls five or six times in my life, and never has the water been this high. It was kind of a bummer because we couldn't wade very far in, but it was exciting because it means that the drought is over! Utah has been in a drought for about ten or eleven years. This is the first year we've actually had our reservoirs and rivers full to the brim.





Misty wasn't phased by the high water. Once she saw me and Mandy up to our knees in the water, she took it upon herself to rescue us. The only problem was that the water was much colder than the little puppy expected. Here she is after her first shocking leap into the river. Smile pretty, baby!

don't feel like it...

I don't feel like writing anymore. Sometimes the though of pulling out my laptop, turning it on, and posting makes me feel sick. Like going places that Buddy loved without him for the first time.

I'll be honest-I'm not completely sad all of the time. I laugh and talk and smile. And then I feel guilty. I feel like I'm forgetting. And then I catch myself looking around for him, or calling his name, and I know I haven't forgotten him. I've just forgotten that he's gone.

Misty is having a terrible time. I took her to the pet store today, one of her favorite places to go. My mistake; I felt empty and hollow, and she kept looking around for her lost friend. Then we ran into a couple with a beagle puppy. Misty, who has always been friendly to other dogs, gave a horrible growl and tried to attack it. She's like that with a lot of dogs now, and people too.

I don't want to do anything.

write it out...

I think writing down what I was worried about helped a lot, because I slept! No dreams, except for one that was sparked by a book I read yesterday(Everest by Gordan Korman). Just happened to be climbing up the Khumbu Icefall on Mt. Everest for some strange reason. Ha-nooo thanks.

My dog is nudging me. I think she wants out again. Wouldn't be a problem if it weren't raining. One step out the door, and "WHEE!!! MUD!!!" *sigh*