pioneers mean more carnivals...

Given that I've been to two carnivals already this summer, it's no surprise that I jumped at the chance to attend a third. Pioneer Day in Utah means more festivities and fireworks -- how could I miss it? I truly love carnivals and fairs and festivals -- so much to look at, so much to do, and so many people to watch. So much life!




And so many dreams came true...as in I can cross them off my bucket list:



1. Go to a carnival or street fair with a special someone - check. I was lucky enough to go with my best girl and most wonderful housemate you could ask for, and my best man.

2. Receive a surprise gift while there because said special someone was paying attention to what I was looking at - check. Yeah - Adam was watching me window shop and noticed me lingering on a set of earrings. And he bought them for me. Aw.

3. Have a special someone win a prize - this wasn't always a bucket list item because I do not trust any games whatsoever, but because he won - check. We named her Zelda.




4. Take silly pictures and wear funny headgear - check. We were celebrating the baby prince in our princess garb and jewelry. Just, you know. Because we can.

5. Watch fireworks while holding hands with a special someone - check.

 

my wee ones...

Another post dedicated to my foster children. Because who can resist faces this cute?

Tasha and Thor -- Tasha her silly self as always, and Thor showing off his good side

I love this girl.

And he loves the camera.

Adorbs, right?

peace in the storm...

I hate you.

That's been running through my mind a lot today. Vicious and cruel, broken and empty -- there have been various tones of the sentiment.

All day, though, I've seen evidences of how much I am loved. I saw it a lot last night as well. Today I really felt it.

Though I've had my world turned upside down again and my heart wrenched from my chest, I'm okay. Life goes on. Not only does it go on, but it goes on happily, joyfully, with people who love and are in their turn lovable.

I've made serious mistakes. I've lost a lot, including the one person who meant the most to me in the entire world. But I have not lost my faith. Nor have I lost my Heavenly Father. If anything, I feel closer to him than I've felt in a long time. All day I've been comforted and sheltered from the turmoil raging inside my heart. There have been tears, yes. Tears, however, can often be as healing as a good laugh. At least they are for me.

I'm still angry. I'm still heart broken. I'm still confused and sad and scared.

But I'm not alone.

da babies is HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I  know this probably looks super, super weird. There is a legitimate reason for three grown-ups of both genders to be pushed up against each other in the bathroom.

BABIES!!!!!!!

Our three little foster babies are here!!

These three kiddos were on the kill list of a Denver shelter. Chelsea saw these three and three other puppies from the same litter posted on Facebook as needing a foster home asap. We eagerly volunteered our home and have spent the last three days dying in suspense.

And here they are! Highly in need of a bath, some dinner, and lots of love -- all of which they received with little hesitation.

Here we have Jeffy with little Lily and Chelley with Baby Bowser.

Here's me with my tiny Theodore, or Teddy Bear as I call him. And there are the babies all in a row.

Our photographer, Adi Bear.

And after a long day of travel, bath time, and play, it's time to sleep.

death looks good on me...

Actually, that's false. Death does not look good on me, and so I cannot wait for the day (hopefully tomorrow) that my skin is not pasty white, my eyes are not glazed and dilated, my lips are not a greyish blue color, and the circles of black beneath my lashes disappear.

Seriously. I don't think I've been this violently sick since I was a kid. Whatever this particular strain of stomach bug is, it's a doozy. Last night was the worst -- in the past when I've had a norovirus, I'll only empty my stomach three or four times over 24 hours. Not so with this bout -- 9 times in 8 hours. OUCH.

I am so done with this. Beyond looking like death, I've felt like dying, rather than going through this anymore. It's much, MUCH better at this point, but last night...wow. WOW. SO. FREAKING. SICK.

Poor Adam has it, too. And his sisters. And two of his brothers. And six of his cousins (so far). And his dad. And my roommate.

It's like the plague!

But really. I'm about ready to be done. Because, death does not look good on me (nor does it feel good) -- yet, I'm too exhausted to put on make-up to cover it up. Probably wouldn't make much of a difference, anyway.

Adam, however, disagrees with the "look like death" thing. Honestly, I never thought I'd find a man who would tell me I was beautiful when I, in my opinion, clearly look awful; who'd cuddle me up close to help me feel better; who'd kiss me despite my dry, dehydrated lips; who'd spend an entire afternoon watching Lord of the Rings on a cushion bed in the living room with me; who'd be so sweet and kind no matter how I look or feel.

I am the luckiest sick girl in the world.

Best sick day ever.

fish-ay, fish-ay...

One of my most proud moments in my life was when I conquered my fear of shoulder-deep water and the possible loss of fingers to sharks and stingrays at the Living Planet Aquarium touch pool. Ever since that day a few years ago, I wanted to go back and visit the little swimming critters.

What's one of the best things about being in a serious dating relationship? You always have someone who is willing to go with you to the random places you find. Like on Saturday.

I feel like we should look more scared right now.

Ermergersh, ERTTERS! Or otters -- probably the best part of the entire aquarium (besides petting the stingray). 

Somethin's fishy... 

Yup! Fishy...sneaky!

me with my stingray buddy (we had a nice conversation) and Adam with his shark friend

Yup. He's adorable. Not to mention he bought me a stuffed otter toy -- we named her Chloe. 

So much fun. I love, love aquariums. I think part of it is because I'm so fascinated with ocean creatures, but I'm terrified of the actual ocean. As in won't go in the water above my ankles terrified. But everything in the ocean? Awesome. As long as I'm not in there with them, I mean.

Aw. That boy. Otter-ly adorable.

i have green toes...

Once upon a time, a green-eyed young man showed up at my house with a small bottle of green nail polish, two heating packs, a bag of Darkside Skittles, and a hello kiss on his lips. Why was this such a grand surprise?

1) the nail polish was a color I pointed out at the store more than three weeks ago -- I noticed the pretty color and commented that it would be perfect for spring time, especially if paired with little pink flowers. And who remembered and brought it to me on a rough day? Adam did.
2) the heating packs are absolutely marvelous for the aches
3) never heard of Darkside Skittles, but the Forbidden Fruit flavor is now up there on the candy list
4) who wouldn't want a hello kiss from her sweetheart?

And so now I have green toe nails because I can't paint my fingernails until tomorrow afternoon -- Henry 5 is still running, and my characters can't have green fingernails.

Isn't he the sweetest thing?

you know it's love when...

...you eat Disney princess Sphagettio's and drink Martinelli's for dinner together, and he talks about how much he enjoyed it for three days after

...he tells you that you're beautiful when your hair is a mess, you have no make-up on, and you're wearing sweats -- and you believe him

...a single text message can brighten your entire day

...you get butterflies from a simple kiss on the forehead or the back of your hand

...his advice for your biographical sketch on your scholarship application includes "write 'I'm the smartest, coolest, most beautiful girl at the school and you should give me money because someday, when my face is on a magazine, BYU will be famous, too. But not as famous as me because I'm just that awesome."

...you do dishes together and it's no longer a chore

...he tells your dog that he loves her and that she's a beautiful sweetheart

...you're encouraged to do your best and be your best, even when you personally don't want to

...he falls asleep on the floor next to the couch as you type up your paper, and when you ask him why he didn't just go home he replies and says, "Because I know that you've been hurting a lot lately, and it's easier for you to deal with when you're not alone -- just my being here helps you feel better. I love you."

...you can't help but smile at the mere memory of the look on his face when he says that he loves you

...you never open a door and you never carry something heavier than 10 pounds

...little notes and small treats mean more to you than the most expensive dinner or most elaborate evening out

...a single rose becomes a treasured possession

...you wish you could express the way you feel, but it's so incredible and beautiful that no words, no pictures, no music -- nothing -- can do justice to the joy and wonder that you feel inside

a little note...

Once upon a time, I woke up from an unexpected nap on a bench at school and found this note on my laptop. I don't know who it's from, but he or she is fantastic:

Then, one time this afternoon, I fell asleep at the tutor table during my shift. I awoke with a jolt from a rather graphic nightmare. Chloe, sitting next to me, asked if I was okay and kept shooting glances at me while I pretended things were fine -- the images were rather disturbing.

When I returned from a tutorial, I found this on my books:

The top half of the note says, "You can do it! One more week!"

There are a lot of nice people in this world. I'm lucky that I call some of them my friends (because I'm pretty sure the person who gave me the anonymous note is a friend -- I just don't know which one -- after all, whoever it was did write my name on the note!)

i love kids...

It's been a little over a month since I had the chance to babysit Cade and Corrine.

Wow.

I MISSED THEM.

Seriously. There are few things as wonderful as standing on a front porch and hearing little voices crying, "SHE'S HERE, SHE'S HERE!" before they've even opened the door. Then, little hands reaching up and taking hold of your sweater, pulling you inside. Words tumble across little lips, a rush of bubbling, babbling happiness, completely unintelligible, yet filling you with joy.

It is hard to feel lonely or insignificant when in the company of children. Children are honest (even when they lie, they're usually honest about it), and in nothing are they more honest than in their love.

in my language...

People have different ways of feeling loved and appreciated. My mom feels loved when someone listens to her. My dad feels loved when someone spends time with him. One of my friends responds well to physical affection. Another friend likes doing activities. While those are not the only ways that they feel loved, those are the primary things that help them know they are cared for. There are a lot of ways that I know people care, but the main thing for me is tokens of affection. Receiving a small gift or a note or a person doing something nice for me is the easiest way for me to recognize that someone cares. Tokens can be anything, really. They can be a note, or a call record that I can look at on a future day, or a leaf from a walk with a friend, or anything really.

Today has seen an outpouring of love in a language that I respond well to. It actually started last night. It's meant so much to me, and I'm so very grateful for the people who took the time to show me that they're aware of me.

1. A letter from Jordan
2. A voice message from Brianna that I saved on my phone
3. Chocolates and lotion from my landlord's little boy because he wanted to say thank you to me for taking care of his dog
4. A text message from Sierra that I was able to save and read again later
5. A CD of LDC music from Ann
6. Dad stopping by my house while I was at work and getting some cleaning done for me before my landlords arrived
7. A loaf of bread left on my porch with a pretty ribbon that had a special message for me -- I don't know who it's from, but I'm grateful to them
8. A note on my Facebook page from Alyssa

Even though it's been a hard day, I've felt loved. I have all of these little reminders that I can hold and look at and experience again. So to my friends and family, thank you.

honest thoughts on love...

There are many different kinds of love. And for every kind, there are different forms of expression and, in turn, understanding of those expressions.

Right now, I am confused by two different kinds of love because finding the boundary is difficult to do. How do you know when you have accidentally crossed the line between friendship love and more than friendship love? How do you keep things friendly so as not to cause problems or push someone away?

The worst part of realizing how much you love someone is wanting desperately to tell them, but being afraid of losing their friendship. And the other worst part is trying to keep it friendly and being so terrified of those lines that really aren't lines. There's no black and white. It's impossible for me to tell what could be seen as "just friends" and what could be taken as "crap...she cares about me too much and I'm out of here." It all seems like such a fuzzy, grey area. I constantly check myself to be sure that my expressions of affection can't be taken as anything more than genuine friendship. Then on the flip side, I kind of want those expressions to be taken as more than "love ya, dude." Especially because I wish with all my heart that I wasn't so afraid to take a chance.

There. I said it. I'm to the point where I wish so much that things would work out. As much as I want that, though, I'm terrified to say anything. In some ways, it's better to not speak. It's better to keep things as they are -- if things continue as they are, then there's no "relationship stuff" that needs to be considered. It'll just stay the same.

Once upon this Monday, I was looking forward to the weekend. Getting to Friday was the only thing that was keeping me from having a complete emotional breakdown. Now, I'm dreading this. I'm dreading having to work so hard to keep myself in check, because when I love someone it becomes very difficult not to accidentally let things slip. I'll use the wrong intonation when saying "I love you" that causes someone to pause and think, or I'll subconsciously touch someone's hand a little too long. And I'm dreading that I'll finally be forced to discuss this. It's a conversation I don't want to have, because I don't know how to go about it. And I don't want to deal with the potential "I love you, but..." explanation. 

Feeling so much love and being unable to express it fully is a very hard thing. I've loved people before -- not like this, though. This is something more than before. It's actually quite terrifying, to care this much about another person. It's terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. I don't know how to describe it. It's just what it is.

Okonomiyaki and the Return of the King...

For the last three weeks, Brianna and I have gotten together and watched one extended version of The Lord of the Rings on our afternoon off from work. This evening was the final installment of our adventure through Middle Earth, and we celebrated with kettle corn (we both may be little, but we sure can pack away a lot of popcorn) and dinner. Which was amazing. And easy. And from Pinterest (love). And foreign, too. To borrow words from Samwise Gamgee, "I don't usually hold with foreign food, but this Elvish stuff -- it's not bad!"

Or, you know. Japanese stuff.

Okonomiyaki, a savory Japanese pancake, literally means "as you like it." It's simple to make, quick to cook, fun to eat (because it's a pancake, but it's got sauce on it), and delicious to taste. Here's what you need:

1 cup flour
1 egg
1 – 2 cups fresh spinach/kale/nappa cabbage/ or your green of choice [minced]
3/4 cup rice milk or water
1/4 tsp salt
Okonomi sauce (or in our case Sweet & Sour sauce and Teriyaki sauce -- I have a major sweet tooth and liked the Sweet & Sour better, but they were both great)

This is your base recipe. Because this is an "as you like it" pancake, you can add whatever you want to the batter! Brianna and I added green onions and ham. Other stuff like garlic, potatoes, shrimp, fish, shallots, ginger, anything you want can be added in. After you've put in your tasties, do this:

1. Preheat pan with oil on medium heat (or do it after the batter is ready like I did)
2. Place all the batter ingredients into a bowl and stir until just combined- do not over mix (I don't know how you'd over mix it, but that's what the directions said to not do so I figured I'd leave it in for you -- in case it's important, you know)
3. Pour a large pancake sized serving out onto your pan -- about half of the batter will make one good sized pancake
4. Add any additional toppings (or stir them into the batter before pouring into the pan -- then it all gets mixed together evenly)
5. Allow to cook thoroughly on both sides (3-5 minutes, depending on toppings), add sauce of choice and serve while hot

Such a great meal. Pinterest wins again. 

And The Return of the King is just a fabulous film. It's so well done, and the feeling that you get from it is rather incredible. I'll admit it, I was moved to tears by the loyalty and love that the characters feel for each other, and that the actors portrayed so marvelously.

Fantastic evening, I must say. The whole day was great -- productive and fun. And now it's raining. Very perfect.

glue...

Sometimes I feel that all I can do is focus on holding myself together, forcing myself to dwell on the good things rather than the not so good things. And it makes things easier to bear. And it makes it easier to fall asleep at night.

I like to remember

...how fun it is to watch any of the extended editions of the Lord of the Rings with someone who hasn't seen the long versions before -- Brianna and I watched The Fellowship of the Ring this afternoon and it was fantastic
...freshly baked cookies topped with cold ice cream
...long talks and big hugs from daddy
...the sudden frequency of huge fluffy, puffy, cotton candy clouds that float over the valley and every so often share their watery burden with us down below
...promises from heaven that are being kept daily
...that I actually look really cute in skirts
...how wonderful it feels to be clean and fresh after a hot shower
...that I don't have to wash dishes or clothes by hand
...that I've been very lucky when it comes to the times I can't handle the physical pain -- so far it's usually been on weekends or holidays when I don't have work or school
...I'm twenty year old single college student with one room mate and I don't live in an apartment -- wow
...my school schedule keeps working out so well -- so do my money worries
...D&C 6:34 -- "Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail."
..."Once Upon Another Time"
...the feel of his hand in mine and the sound of his heart beating in my ear

Cade...

Things I learned today:  

1. Given a choice, a 3-year-old will always pick the chocolate chip cookie over the hamburger
2. It is possible to be "wiped out" by being hit in the face with a flower
3. Answering to the name Mater can become second nature very quickly
4. When allowing a 3-year-old to play with your phone, it is a good idea to delete your recent call history (oops...sorry, friends) 

But most importantly:

  

     5. There are no hands or faces more beautiful, or hugs and kisses so sweet, as sticky, dirty,  chocolate-y ones

Oh, and that little boys rock. Although I already knew that one.

proud member of Club Unicorn...

There are many, myself included, who know people who are homosexuals. Watching these friends be teased, bullied, and tortured by people in their schools and even their families has always made me upset. What makes me more upset, though, is that when these friends have come to me asking for help and advice, I never know what to say. Telling someone to shut up is easy. It's offering comfort and help that's hard for me. All I know how to do is put my arms around them and tell them I love them, then suggest a random adventure to take their minds off of things.

I won't lie and say that homosexuality doesn't bother me sometimes. It's been something that has been really hard for me to deal with, too -- my friends, like me, are LDS and some of them discarded their testimonies in favor of saying, "Well, this is just how I am and I'm going to do whatever I want because if God loved me, he wouldn't have made me this way." That has been very difficult for me to accept -- God made you that way because he loves you, just as he made me a depressive perfectionist with suicidal tendencies (there -- I said it). The challenges he gives us are meant to turn us to him. He gives us these struggles because he knows exactly what we need to teach us and to make us stronger. For if we take our weaknesses and our temptations to him, he will strengthen us and get us through.

Balancing my love for my friends but my dislike for the lifestyles they choose -- it's really hard. A friend of mine posted an article on Facebook this afternoon that I happened to notice because of the title (rhetorical strategies, people -- they actually work). It's an article titled "Club Unicorn: In which I come out of the closet on our ten year anniversary."

I'll admit -- I was expecting some confession to ten years of lies. However, it was completely the opposite of that. And I am so grateful for it. This is such an example of courage and faith -- an example that can be applied to anyone who struggles, be it with acceptance of sexual orientation and reconciling that with personal beliefs or with the temptation to throw it all away.

While I do not have these attractions, there are people who I love that do. After reading this article, I feel that I have something to say to them when they need help. And so, I am proud to say that I am a member of Club Unicorn (and now a follower of The Weed).

1 hour, 38 minutes, and 41 seconds...

dear Friend,

I don't know how you can get me to spill secrets and dreams and worries that I never, ever planned on expressing to anyone or anything but my dog and the walls of my bedroom. I don't know how you can tell from the initial "hello" that something is wrong, how in 1 minute or less you understand I'm holding things back.

Somehow you always have time to listen. Despite your busy life, you make time for me -- me, of all people you could make time for. You never judge me, you never put me down, you never disregard my thoughts and feelings. Somehow you always have advice and words of comfort. And no matter what, you're there for me.

During and after such conversations, I often marvel at the fact that you're still here in my life. Even though you know about my issues -- and you truly do know more than almost anyone else in my world -- you're still here. I don't know if I can express my gratitude adequately. You're still here -- even though you see my dark side.

I don't know how you do it. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. You're remarkable. Truly.

And, just for the record, I've decided...well...you really must be a super hero.

all my love,
GKB

a late surprise...

Remember how I told you I had a surprise, and that I'd show you, but then I never did? Well...it's because I never had any pictures to put up. I was told I'd be emailed some, but I never got them, so these will do! Here's my surprise...a month and a half later...my bad.

Remember how my hair always looks like this?

Haha...it's like this now:

Chopped it. I'd been thinking about cutting and donating my hair since January, but I'd never had the time. Then, one fine day in March, Locks of Love came to BYU. I had an hour between classes, so I sat myself down and had my hair cut off.

16 inches donated. The stylists said I only needed to give 10 inches, but since I had so much, why not go all the way, right? And so I did! It was quite shocking.

You know, my hair was actually shorter when I first got it cut -- it reached barely below my chin. A month and a half later, it touches my collarbone. That's when it's dry and curly. When my hair is wet, it reaches a little bit below that. How cool, huh?

Anyway. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I'm crazy for cutting off all of my hair. Those are usually the days when I have no idea what to do with it, or it's full of static from working with balloons all day, or I see a girl with waist length curls and miss my own. And then I think about the little girl, or the little boys (because you could probably get two or three short wigs out of my hair -- seriously, it was so thick and long when the girl who cut it handed it to me), who get to have my hair. After all, mine will grow back. But I sure am glad that I was able to do this, and help someone out there have pretty hair to wear. I can't do much, but I can do enough.

lately...

...thinking...
...it's so much easier for me to talk about the things going on in my mind and heart with a guy friend than with a girl friend. I don't get it...neither does my friend Alex, whom I discussed this with today. He feels the same way -- there must be a reason why we're such good friends!
...theory of English is harder for me to wrap my head around than statistics was. Dislike.
...that strange feeling when you realize that someone loves you, really loves you, and they're not just saying it to make you feel good.
...the more I think about it, the more I recognize that the LDS church is strange. If you haven't grown up with it, it'd be hard to accept. Thank goodness for the Holy Spirit which testifies to me and others of the truth of the gospel.


...doing...
...the internship started on Friday morning. It's going to be a lot of work, but it'll be worth it in the end. Penny seems like she's really nice and a good teacher. I'm excited for this opportunity!
...Brianna's bachelorette party was on Thursday night and it was fun! La Jolla Groves has made the list of places to eat.
...best part of the week was Brianna's wedding on Saturday. Great day. She looked so beautiful, and so happy. I'm so proud of her for the choices she has made and I'm so happy for her and Matt. More to come later.
...balancing two part time jobs, full time school, and the internship is going to be very interesting. I apologize in advance if I'm absent for the next few weeks.
...I keep trying to clean my room...trying being the key word.
...as mentioned before, I spent the afternoon with my friend Alex. Love that man. He is awesome. I'm so lucky that he's my friend. Especially when he makes me smile by sneaking me an extra peanut butter bar because he knows I love them, or when he looks at me and says, "Whoa...your eyes are gorgeous and you look super attractive right now," or when he listens without judging me for the thoughts and feelings I have. He's just great.


...feeling...
...holding a sleeping baby is one of the most relaxing things in the world. I haven't felt that relaxed, peaceful, and hopeful in a long time.
...music has such an amazing impact.
...how do you tell someone they've hurt you and ask to fix a problem without hurting them in return?
...guilt...it's starting to run my life again.

PS If you haven't seen The Prince of Egypt, I highly recommend it.