just got to write stuff down...

Every once in awhile, I feel so incredibly weak that I can't keep my head up. My limbs constantly shake, and I often can't control my fingers. It wouldn't be so bad if it didn't make it so difficult to type or hold a pencil.

I really love Oreos. That's a bad thing, because Oreos are not good for me at all, but they taste so magnificent! Lots of food that isn't good for me tastes good, and seeing as how I've gained ten pounds since I started dating Adam, I should probably stop eating crap food.

Although, Adam keeps telling me I've lost weight and that I "feel skinnier," which doesn't make sense to me because I'm the one who sees myself in the mirror every single day. 

It's frustrating to have gained weight. I see these super thin girls all of the time, and I just ache inside to look like them. But no matter how much I exercise or eat well, I don't change. In some ways, it breaks my heart. Seriously -- it might sound super shallow and vain, and it probably is -- I can't seem to get past it.

Speaking of food, I made awesome Parmesan crusted chicken last night with lemon-pepper green beans for a side. Super good. So good that I didn't feel guilty for eating it.

Can I just say how much I enjoy the TV show Psych? "I'd rather show with a bear." Ha, Lassie kills me.

Last night I had a dream that there was a war going on between different races of rabbits. They had machine guns that shot carrot bullets, and were fighting over who was going to rule the world. It was weird. As in, super weird. Rabbits wearing camo and leather jackets with helmets and aviators, equipped with cabbage mortar guns and carrot shooters. Weird.

I'm so tired. I have no energy.

Being afraid is no fun. I'm constantly waiting for the ball to drop and for my life to change. The fairy tale is going to end and life is going to go back to normal. And it'll hurt. It's so hard to not be sure.

I'm thinking that I need a new phone. The one that I have is dying -- I mean, it's been almost three years since I got it. First phone, only phone. Heck, it takes five minutes to turn on if I shut if off for a little while. Old, old phone.

Yesterday, I made a candy poster for Adam to congratulate him for his scholarship that he go. He was awarded a $5,500 a year scholarship from the National Science Foundation because he's got such a good GPA and is majoring in mathematics. He's a smarty pants. And he liked the poster. It was so fun to make it for him. And he liked it. Lots.

I just don't want to be sad anymore.

habits...

I've been thinking a lot about habits, and how uncomfortable I get when a habit of mine is broken. My roommate and I were talking about it in the car on the way to the grocery store (went shopping for the first time in a month today). We are both noticing that each of us do the same things at the same places (though we personally do different things). For example, when we go to Cafe Rio, we both get pork burritos without sauce and with cheese on the top. When we go to Wendy's, she always gets the same combo, and I always get the same combo. When we go to Target, we always go in the same door, and I always have to stop at the nail polish section to see if there are any new colors.

Those are just a few that we share. But I've noticed a lot of my own.

I never leave my bedroom in the morning without first washing my face and brushing my teeth. I hate skipping that. Same with going to bed; if I don't do those two things, I can't sleep. I do chores in the house in the same order every single time, with a set plan for timing and efficiency. Last night when I did all of the chores, I did them in the wrong order and got so thrown off that I almost started over.

I can't open my garage door until I've gotten in my car and shut the door. I take the same route through the grocery store every time I go, starting with produce and working my way section by section on my list (which is written according to the layout of the store). The dishes in the dishwasher are placed, when I load it, in the same spot every time. The pantry is organized by food type, as are the shelves in the fridge and freezer. So are my clothes in the drawers, and even in the closet.

And another really weird habit? I eat my sandwiches, meat, whatever it is, in circles. Seriously. I start on one side and work my way around in a circular direction until it's gone. I even spin my plate in circles (unless it's pasta, soup, or something that doesn't require cutting -- oatmeal would fall into this category, too). My food is particularly organized; so is Chelsea's. When I eat, cook, bake, shop, bag items in the store, put things away -- there is a system for everything that cannot be broken, or I get anxious.

There are all of these bizarre little quirky things that I've been noticing about myself. If I do things differently, it bothers me a lot. I will try new things, like food and places to have fun -- usually I do that out of fear of what others will think if I don't, rather than because I want a new experience.

I guess this realization is coming from trying to break other habits that are a serious problem. Not only that, but I'm trying to feel more -- that's my assignment, to allow myself to feel what I feel, rather than pushing it away or pretending (which sucks and I hate it). All of these weird rituals are truly that: weird.

Funny how I've lived with myself for nearly 21 years (gah, I'm getting older) and am just barely seeing things that I do every single day. I wonder why it's so much easier to observe other people's patterns of behavior than it is to observe our own.

What are your habits?

salt of the oats...

After two minutes of wondering where I went wrong with breakfast, my taste buds figured it out.

I put too much salt in the oatmeal.

Now I have a joke for you:

How much brown sugar does it take to eliminate the taste of salt in oatmeal?

When I find out, I'll let you know -- if I don't end up in a sugar coma first.

the Hub...

I spend a lot of time in my kitchen. Yes, I do the obvious things, like cook. This kitchen will forever be in my memory as "the place where I taught myself to make good food." So far even my mistakes have been successful -- like the sweet and tangy meatball sauce I made in the crock pot? Waaaaaay too much chili sauce, but it turned out quite well.

I clean a lot, too. Some friends say I clean so much that it's nigh unto an obsession. You know what, though? I like it clean. After all, since I do spend a lot of time cooking, I want to have a clean place to work. I also am haunted by the memory from when I worked on a custodial team at a middle school, and we were allowed to borrow a bacteria counter thing-a-ma-jig from an inspector. Our toilet seats had less bacteria on them than the school cafeteria tabletops. Oh. My. SICK.

Did I ever tell you that I dance in my kitchen? YouTube and Pandora are my friends. So is Justin Bieber. He hangs out with me a lot. Gives me tips on my moves. Actually, he doesn't, and I'm glad he can't see me dance because he'd probably laugh. I mean, once upon a time I was dancing in my bedroom when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I stopped because I was embarrassed for myself. No mirrors in the kitchen!

Talking on the phone happens a lot here, too. I'm not generally one to sit in normal places, like on a chair or the couch or in bed, while on the phone. I find myself huddled in corners, perched on the banister, sprawled on the bar over the sink, seated on the closed toilet while fixing my nails, under the table -- my favorite place is the subtle nook-ish spot by the dishwasher. Or leaning against the fridge. Don't ask my why all of those places are appealing. It's weird. I know.

Studying, writing, and stalking keeping up with friends through the Internet are frequent occurrences, too (do you ever have words that you just cannot seem to spell correctly ever? occurrences -- took me three times to get it right. rhythm is the other one I can never seem to get right). Facebook, Pinterest, gMail, Blogger...you name it. Except Twitter. Boring. They don't even have a like button.

There are a lot of good talks in my kitchen. Lots of hilarious jokes, stories about people's lives, insights into personalities, confessions, ideas, advice. Shared experiences, usually between myself and one other person. Sometimes we share food, too, but the sharing of laughter, experiences, and trust are even better.

I talk to myself, too. What? Why are you looking me like that's weird? Because if you know me, you also know that I talk to myself. And you also know that I'm weird. But it's cool! We talked about talking to ourselves in my Anthropology language class. It's healthy. Unless, you know. You're actually crazy. I have a lot of good conversations with myself. Working out problems I can't solve silently, walking myself through recipes, making myself laugh (I'm funny). Singing, too. Singing happens here.

Tears fall here, too. Sometimes there's a reason for them. Other times they just fall.

Mary Wixom said that the "kitchen is the hub of the home." It's the heart of the bustle and commotion of life. It's where people meet after their busy days -- coming in from their spokes on the family wheel and settling in the center, the Hub. It's where we talk and share our experiences. It's where we slow down for a little while, taking a few moments to notice that we're not just getting things done and running around crazy. We're living.

Okonomiyaki and the Return of the King...

For the last three weeks, Brianna and I have gotten together and watched one extended version of The Lord of the Rings on our afternoon off from work. This evening was the final installment of our adventure through Middle Earth, and we celebrated with kettle corn (we both may be little, but we sure can pack away a lot of popcorn) and dinner. Which was amazing. And easy. And from Pinterest (love). And foreign, too. To borrow words from Samwise Gamgee, "I don't usually hold with foreign food, but this Elvish stuff -- it's not bad!"

Or, you know. Japanese stuff.

Okonomiyaki, a savory Japanese pancake, literally means "as you like it." It's simple to make, quick to cook, fun to eat (because it's a pancake, but it's got sauce on it), and delicious to taste. Here's what you need:

1 cup flour
1 egg
1 – 2 cups fresh spinach/kale/nappa cabbage/ or your green of choice [minced]
3/4 cup rice milk or water
1/4 tsp salt
Okonomi sauce (or in our case Sweet & Sour sauce and Teriyaki sauce -- I have a major sweet tooth and liked the Sweet & Sour better, but they were both great)

This is your base recipe. Because this is an "as you like it" pancake, you can add whatever you want to the batter! Brianna and I added green onions and ham. Other stuff like garlic, potatoes, shrimp, fish, shallots, ginger, anything you want can be added in. After you've put in your tasties, do this:

1. Preheat pan with oil on medium heat (or do it after the batter is ready like I did)
2. Place all the batter ingredients into a bowl and stir until just combined- do not over mix (I don't know how you'd over mix it, but that's what the directions said to not do so I figured I'd leave it in for you -- in case it's important, you know)
3. Pour a large pancake sized serving out onto your pan -- about half of the batter will make one good sized pancake
4. Add any additional toppings (or stir them into the batter before pouring into the pan -- then it all gets mixed together evenly)
5. Allow to cook thoroughly on both sides (3-5 minutes, depending on toppings), add sauce of choice and serve while hot

Such a great meal. Pinterest wins again. 

And The Return of the King is just a fabulous film. It's so well done, and the feeling that you get from it is rather incredible. I'll admit it, I was moved to tears by the loyalty and love that the characters feel for each other, and that the actors portrayed so marvelously.

Fantastic evening, I must say. The whole day was great -- productive and fun. And now it's raining. Very perfect.

taking five...

1. Got in touch with Parker for a little while today -- somehow we ended up discussing Batman theme songs
2. Made German pancakes and I didn't destroy them
3. Clocked out of work right at 8:00 -- meaning that we got off on time for a change
4. Was able to stop the obsessive thoughts for a couple of hours
5. This:

taking five...

1. The kitchen experiment I conducted was a success -- want some?
2. Being greeted by a giant, exuberant brown dog every time I come home makes me feel very loved
3. My coworkers are extremely insightful -- not to mention fun to spend time with
4. Jordan's mom and I have been email corresponding for the past couple of weeks -- I love that woman
5. I don't have to live in a box -- I don't even have to live at home right now -- and my House is beautiful

life is still good...

I've noticed lately that the things I've been writing about have been

a) sad
b) depressing
c) negative
d) all of the above

If you circled "d" then you would be most correct.

After debating whether or not I should apologize, I realized that apologizing would be a little silly. Why apologize for being sincere about how you feel?

However, I do recognize that not all of life is as bad as it may seem. That and I'm trying to keep myself from being extremely irritated and frustrated with people. Short plug for being considerate: just do it. Please. Think about what you're doing and how it effects (affects?) others before you do it. Don't cut in line, rinse your dishes, stop at stop signs, say thank you, pull your weight as much as you can before letting someone do for you what you can do for yourself. Thanks.

Mini rant over. On to the next.

Last night I did something fun on a Friday night for the first time in awhile. I had planned to go to the gym after work, then make dinner, scrub the kitchen, clean my bathroom, read my book, and go to bed around 11:30. My plans totally changed when Linnea asked if I wanted to watch the last two episodes of Sherlock, season 2. How could I possibly say no?

We made a delicious dinner of chicken Parmesan wraps (Pinterest wins again) and cold watermelon, followed by kettle corn (yes -- I did eat a bag and a half by myself) and Snickerdoodles. Sherlock was delightful -- I was absolutely terrified during "The Hound of Baskervilles." I screamed at least four times. "The Reichenbach Fall" wasn't frightening, but it was very fun to be able to follow Sherlock's line of evidence. I was right with him every step of the case. Until, you know, Moriarty pulled that one stunt at the end (I may have screamed then, too).

A late night drive with Kala rounded up the festivities at about 2am. I took her with me when I dropped Linnea off at her home. Kala doesn't get out much, and she likes to go for rides in the car (and I was also glad to have her along to help me not imagine giant black hounds with red eyes tearing out of the bushes around the complex when I got back home).

Today was a good day, too. I woke up feeling very sad again, so I got dressed and went to work on the house. Bathroom scrubbed, kitchen counters and cabinets wiped down, floors swept and mopped, dishes done, laundry started, room straightened, meals prepped, stove top washed -- all in an hour and fifteen minutes. By then I realized I was hungry (that happens a lot now). Wash spinach and drain, rinse strawberries and slice, shred chicken, chop nuts, pour poppy seed dressing, toss together -- salad for eating! Let's just say it was delicious and I might make another tomorrow.

Work with Alyssa and Hannah was a blast. We got almost everything on Tracy's list completed (and mind you, there were about 20 items to do), accidentally ripped up the puzzle piece flooring with the weight of our candy laden carts, climbed up and down ladders hanging hats from the ceiling and stowing boxes of candy on shelves (each box weighs nearly 40 pounds -- carrying 20 of those up a ladder is quite the workout), and just worked hard in general. It's always great to have things to do during a shift, rather than standing around waiting for customers to come in and need help.

Hannah asked if she could come to my house after the shift was over. We ate cold watermelon and made chocolate milk with the Hershey's syrup I keep stowed away in the fridge. Kala kept us entertained with her old lady antics (she lacks manners in some cases), until we finally were laughing so hard we couldn't breath. Pretty soon we got to talking about how she's been doing lately, and then she started asking me questions about Garrett. Half an hour later I'd told her a lot of things I've been keeping back, and I felt badly that I'd spent so much time talking about myself. But she said something that made me feel really happy inside. She smiled and said, "I don't mind. I like to listen. It means that you trust me."

I do trust her. I trust her, and Alyssa, and Linnea -- they're coworkers, yes, but more importantly, they're my friends. We have fun, we have hard times, and we're there for each other when we need each other. And even if we don't need each other, we're there when we want company.

Things are okay. Life is still good. It's hard, and I'm still sad a lot and don't know why, but life is good. Walking through the parking lot tonight in the cool evening air, the night breeze sweet and fresh, the flowers curling into sleep, the stars peeking through the clouds, all I could think about was how good it feels to be alive.

"Remember today, little brother. Today, life is good." -Boromir, LOTR

still a student...

I've been thinking a lot about the first lesson post I wrote. About worrying less about how my life looks to others and more about how it feels to me.

By no means am I a master of this principle, or any of the others that I have written about. I often find myself thinking and acting in ways that are completely against the things I am trying to learn. Sometimes I stop short and tell myself, HEY! Remember that one time when you thought of that one thing and you were going to work on it and become better? Well...better remember it now and QUIT STOPPING YOURSELF FROM PROGRESSING.

Not all of the voices in my head are particularly kind.

Anyway. For example. I've been spending a lot of time on my own lately in the House. Natalie and I see each other in the evenings for a few minutes, sometimes for an hour, but most of the time we're just two friends sharing living space. We both work a lot, I at my three jobs and Natalie at her job and in her volunteering.

This time alone hasn't been lonely time. I rarely find myself feeling sad or upset. Instead, I have found that I am able to get a lot of things done: keeping up with the housework and making sure things are nice; playing with my dog; adventuring with friends; reading; writing; cooking; thinking; singing; perhaps soon drawing.

While I was in the kitchen today, boiling eggs by myself for the first time ever, I stopped and looked around me. Here I am, I thought, boiling eggs and planning meals for the week, debating on whether or not to make a cake or brownies, brainstorming potential primary lessons, cleaning the kitchen, singing hymns and talking to my dog in my Snow White voice, musing on life and its mysteries, mentally checking to see if my camera is ready for tomorrow morning, and trying to figure out which big chore I'm going to complete on Friday night. I looked around the kitchen again and thought, I LOVE my life!

Then another not-so-kind voice (which sounded remarkably like one of the people who works in the same building that I do) said, Yep. You're a total Molly Mormon. You just keep on proving it. You are doing nothing important with your life except cleaning the house, cooking the food, and thinking about the Gospel. Oh my gosh, LOOK AT YOU! You are so NOT awesome. DO SOMETHING with your life, okay? Jeez.

And for a minute, I started to be ashamed. I remembered all of those things that person told me a few weeks ago, telling me that (and I quote/paraphrase) "your life is so boring -- don't you do anything worthwhile at all?" and "wow, you are such a Molly Mormon -- you like teaching primary. And cake pops, seriously?" and  "next time you make a decision you should think for yourself, instead of relying on the misguided examples of other people."

Remembering those things she said brought me spiraling downwards. I hated myself. Even though I had been angry when she'd said all of those things to me, I believed her words for a second. I AM boring, I thought. I am everything she said I am --  I SHOULDN'T like these things. I should be more adventurous and daring, maybe try something new. I probably shouldn't even like Disney movies.

But as I looked at my reflection in the Kitchen Aid that I was putting back in place, I thought of what I'd proclaimed to have learned. WHO CARES if that person thinks I'm a Molly Mormon? WHO CARES if my life appears boring to her? It isn't boring to me! I like my life. I like teaching primary and making cake pops. I like doing dishes (sometimes) and singing and boiling eggs and cleaning and playing with my dog. I like the way I am. Besides, that person has no idea where I've come from and what kinds of decisions I've made.

You know what? This is my life to live. It isn't hers.

We are all students of life. The person who said those things is learning about life, just as I am. We're both in different places and taking different roads. What I need to remember and continue to practice thinking is that though others may tell me that the life I live is boring and housewife-ish, it doesn't matter. What they think doesn't matter. I feel comfortable this way. I feel happy this way. All of these things bring me joy, and to me they are worthwhile.

I don't plan to change the world. I plan to change myself. That is what is most important.

order of the day (but not particular)...

first. OW. But not as bad as usual. Yay pain killer.

second. Fettucini alfredo is delicious, even if the noodles are a little too hard and the sauce isn't quite creamy enough.

third. I voted today. Go me.

fourth. The King of Attolia is just as good the second time as it is the first time.

fifth. Also, Hawksmaid is really good, too.

sixth. I want to watch Real Steel. Never seen it. Want to. I don't have it. Shoot.

seventh. Sleeping after 8:30 is starting to become impossible.

eighth. Sometimes, I would like a hug. Then when someone hugs me (even when I want one), I feel uncomfortable and wish he/she hadn't. Weird.

ninth. The only place in my house that isn't hot (even with the air conditioning on) is my bedroom. WIN.

tenth. On Sunday I wrote letters for four hours. FOUR.

eleventh. I called three people a mean name in my head today and felt horribly guilty for it -- but only for about two seconds because my coworker told me that she'd used the same word in her head, too. Some people's children*!

*because every grown-up is somebody's child

twelfth. I miss Parker. A LOT. A LOT, a lot. And I miss Brianna. A LOT. BUT I get to see Brianna tomorrow, and Matt and Ann. So that will be very good.

thirteenth. Do you ever have days where your bra just does not fit right? One of those days.

fourteenth. Craving sugar like crazy. Boo.

fifteenth. Rent for the month = $70. That was a relief, considering my textbooks for the upcoming semester cost $135 (and I still need to buy about 8 more).

sixteenth. I've had six tutorials this week at the writing center so far. I get so many personal essays for pre-professional applications, it's insane. Maybe I'll be a part-time essay consultant. Oh, wait...

seventeenth. Seventeenth is a very strange looking word.

eighteenth. Poor little Makay broke his elbow and had to have surgery on it last week. His mom told me when I visited him that he hadn't smiled as much that whole week as he did when I was with him. That made me feel really good, and it made me happy that I could help Makay feel better. I took him a small gift bag full of fun toys from work, and tied a "mini" bouquet of balloons onto the bag. I'll make another one and take a picture of it to share, because it is so stinkin' cute. It could be on Pinterest (but it was my idea, so -- I'm just awesome).

nineteenth. Do you have any idea how freakin' happy I am being single? I will post more about it once I force myself to sit still for half an hour and write it.

and now, my favorite:

twentieth. I have been asked three times today if I am a Democrat or a Republican and who I voted for. For the longest time I couldn't figure out why. Then I remembered -- Captain America t-shirt on voting day. Right.