taking it back...

I've missed writing because I've been super busy and felt like hiding away. So here is a long, truly scary confession post for me with *gasp* a photo with MAKE UP ON. 

Triggers here. Fyi.

I don't wear make up pretty much ever. If I do, it's basic mascara and some pink blush used as eyeshadow. Nondescript. Barely there. Fiance is cool with it - "You're naturally beautiful.  Women really are. I wish you - all of you - could see it too." Love him, right? Anyway. We did engagement photos a week ago, and so I did the thing you do and put on my face - and though I look very Jane Austen? I about had a panic attack walking out of the bookstore restroom to go meet up with our photographer.

Fiance immediately asked what was wrong - and I almost cried off my face as I told him I hate wearing make up. "People look at me more. They see me. Men see me. I want to be left alone. I don't want them to look at me." He was confused. And as I thought about it from his perspective - I found myself analyzing why I think this way.

Guy from high school who locked me in his car and threatened to rape me? He wouldn't let me wear make up. Or cute clothes. "I don't want other men to look at you. You're mine." Checking my phone, playing mind games, making me change outfits before dates if I looked "too hot." Don't be seen.

Supervisor who locked me in the janitor's closet with him. He let me go when I stared too hard at him, wide-eyed and more confused than scared. "Close your eyes, girl. What the hell you doin' with those?" Don't be seen.

Ex who repeatedly abused me for two years - "You attract so much attention just because of your face. Especially your eyes. Stop looking at me. Look down." "Take off the eyeliner, you look stupid." "Did you see that guy checking you out? Don't wear that shirt when we go places anymore." Don't be seen.

I've always been shy. Awkward. Looking at the ground. But to have a panic attack because I put on make up? Unable to breathe because my eyes shine? Afraid to show fiance my face when I put this stuff on because he might see something he's suddenly afraid of or made angry by and tell me to disappear? He wouldn't. He won't. But my crazy brain says he might - it's ridiculous.

So guess what? This cleansing confession post now has a DARE. A BIG ONE.

Be seen. With or without make up on. With or without a nice outfit. I'll Be Seen. I'll see others. I'll smile and laugh and walk with my head held high.

I'm taking back my face.

a little thing called trust...

There are few things I hate more than being lied to. Finding out that someone has been taking advantage of your kindness, time, and resources for over a year is like a stab in the back.

Sure, there are the little white lies that people tell. Those don't bother me so much.

It's the "cry wolf" kind of lies. The ones that I have been stupid enough to fall for over and over again. The kind of lies where you think someone is truly in trouble, but the only trouble is this: that I have been stupid enough to listen and believe every time, to the point that I've stuck up for this person.

And to think it took another person calling the cops, and the cops finding out that everything has been a lie.

Hard not to believe that, isn't it?

Despite that, I don't know what to believe. Though I do know that this person needs some serious help. Honestly, I don't think she even knows what is real and what is not. However, I don't think I can  help anymore, because I can't tell what the truth is.

I don't trust this person anymore. How can I?

Wow, it's been a rough couple of weeks. I'm going to make some cookie dough. Egg-less. Because I can just eat it.

act in faith...

"Perhaps the greatest test of our faith and the most difficult part of prayer may be to recognize the answer that comes to us in a thought or a feeling, and then to accept or to act on the answer God chooses to give." -Rex D. Pinegar

I have learned a lot about the Lord in the last couple of days.

I've learned that even though I make mistakes and feel afraid to pray, I can go to the Lord and he will listen.
I've learned that the Lord will answer my prayers and alleviate heartache.
I've learned that a spirit of peace can fill my heart and mind, even when there are tears pouring down my face.
I've learned that the family I was placed in loves me very much, and that I am blessed to have them.
I've learned that the Lord answers the prayers of my parents on my behalf, and that they really are interested in me.
I've learned that the Lord lets me and others use their agency, and that he comforts those who are affected by the choices of others.
I've learned that forgiveness is more than a possibility for me, but a reality.

I've learned that following promptings and holding on to peace is very, very difficult. Because life is not easy, and the fears and doubts creep in easily. Because loneliness sets in, and uncertainty clouds the mind.

Because what you want and what God says is best for you may not be the same thing.

spill it...

It came out of nowhere.

One day we were just holding hands and stuff, becoming friends, goofing off, and the next, I'm spilling some of my deepest secrets. What's crazier is that he spilled first. When it was my turn, he didn't judge or even give advice. He let me talk, and when I cried, he held me close and told me that everything will be okay.

I didn't intend to tell him anything. It just sort of happened.

By the way, our first date (Friday) was loads of fun. He took me to see The Hobbit, as when I mentioned I hadn't seen it, he was horrified. Dinner at Macaroni Grill (which I've only ever heard about), a walk through the Christmas lights at the Riverwoods shops, and coloring Captain America in my Avengers coloring book followed.

He's the sweetest guy ever.

The spillage took place last night. I got home from my parents' house to find an unexpected visitor sitting on the couch with Chelsea and Jeff. The four of us went to Applebee's for a last hurrah before school starts (bug). He paid for me -- I was too tired to fight him and the waiter at the same time.

He stayed late, letting me talk about things, just listening. I feel so much lighter, like I was carrying something heavy, and the weight is gone. I feel so much safer, even comfortable.

I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have a friend like him. No matter how this goes, I'm lucky.

always there...

from Do More With Les via Pinterest

timing...

I've been thinking a lot about timing lately. Timing as in when things happen in my life. There are certain things  that I want to have happen (some of them right now, if I'm honest). I want to go to Washington, D.C. on an internship. I want to serve a full-time mission for the LDS church. I want to go to graduate school. I want to find a guy who makes me laugh and isn't afraid to take a chance with me. I want to marry that guy. I want a beautiful wedding. I want a little white house with a red door, a pretty yard, and a happy kitchen. I want the sound of children's laughter in the air and pattering feet across the floor. I want to hold hands with my best friend and sit together on the porch watching a sunset.

I want my life to be centered around Christ and the gospel. That's what I try to do. Some people I have met in the recent past have criticized me for this, saying that I'm not really faithful because I only live well in order to reap the rewards of a good life. "You're only doing it for the blessings," some say. 

Well, in some ways, yes. I know that if I give my best effort to live as the Lord has asked and commanded me to that He will bless me. After all, God cannot break His promises if I keep mine, as he said in the Doctrine and Covenants 82:10, "I the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise." But I also do it because I want to live that way. I want to show the Lord that I love Him, and that I desire to be the best I can be for Him. The blessings are just a benefit. 

Not only that, but those blessings don't always come when I want them to come. All of those things that I listed above? So far, none of them have happened, nor will they be happening in the near future (that was reconfirmed tonight). I'll be honest when I say that it is sometimes maddening. I get so frustrated at times, wondering what I'm doing wrong or if there's just something wrong with me as a person. 

This has been on my mind a lot lately, sitting in the back of my head in a box that I'm afraid to open for fear of seeming ungrateful or impatient. Finally I've opened the box and examined the way I've been feeling and how I've been thinking. What I saw hurt! I felt let down and alone and forgotten, wondering what I'd done to fall so short of my dreams. Like going on a mission -- not right now. And dating -- that still never happens. I continually pray to the Lord to help me prepare to be a good missionary so I'm ready when I can go. I ask Him to help me be open to dating, but it never happens. All that ever happens are frightening or stupid experiences which leave me scratching my head wondering what I did to mess up this time.

I finally went to the Lord in prayer and I asked Him, How can I do the right things and be who you want me to be if you won't let me? If you won't make it possible? I'm doing the best that I can, but nothing is working out. You tell me to be patient. You tell me to wait. Am I doing something wrong? I'm trying to be good and be patient, like You've asked. Am I even going in the right direction? I felt like Nephi, when he cried out to God and said "Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord...my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquites" (2 Nephi 4:17). What have I been doing wrong?

With this on my mind, I was absolutely stunned at the answers I began to receive. Sunday's meeting had the same underlying theme, that of waiting on the Lord's timetable. It was repeated over and over again in different ways and by different people, that while the desires of our hearts may be correct, the time may  not be right. Elder Dallin H. Oaks, one of the apostles, said that it is just as important to do the right thing at the right time as it is to do the right thing at all. It is imperative to do the right thing at the right time. The choice may not be wrong, and the desire may be righteous, but the timing of the choices and desires may be off. Elder Oaks emphasized the importance of having faith in the Lord no matter what we are faced with, saying that "faith in the Lord Jesus Christ prepares us to face life's experiences," and that "faith will give us peace and knowledge of God's constancy in our lives. We will not need to plan even the important events in our lives at times, for He will guide us and direct us until those events fall into place, according to our faith."

It's like the scripture in the Bible, the one that says to "trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths" (Proverbs 3:5-6). Yes, I don't understand why things aren't happening, and why I receive the "be patient" answer. I want to serve now! I want to do what I've been told is good and right and true now! But what I want and what the Lord knows is best aren't matching up. Heavenly Father's timing is not my timing. His timetable is different than mine. He knows that I'm frustrated sometimes, and He knows that my frustration stems from a desire to do as He has asked. However, as Elder Oaks reminded, the timing is just as important as the righteousness of a desire. For me, the time has not been right. The Lord still has things for me to do at the place I am right now, and knows that there are things I still need to change and learn before I can take new steps in my life.

For now, I focus on the things I can control: my pursuit of an education, my relationships with my family and friends, and my commitment to the gospel and the Savior. What I must do is be the best person I can be, being faithful and diligent in what I have been set to do, and in the desires that at this present time can be realized. It is my job to rely on His guidance, and to trust the revelation and direction that He gives me. I have to trust Him, and commit my way "unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass" (Psalms 37:5). Because if I do as He asks to the best of my ability, He will take care of me. He will make sure that my desires are realized, if I trust Him and align my will to His.

life is still good...

I've noticed lately that the things I've been writing about have been

a) sad
b) depressing
c) negative
d) all of the above

If you circled "d" then you would be most correct.

After debating whether or not I should apologize, I realized that apologizing would be a little silly. Why apologize for being sincere about how you feel?

However, I do recognize that not all of life is as bad as it may seem. That and I'm trying to keep myself from being extremely irritated and frustrated with people. Short plug for being considerate: just do it. Please. Think about what you're doing and how it effects (affects?) others before you do it. Don't cut in line, rinse your dishes, stop at stop signs, say thank you, pull your weight as much as you can before letting someone do for you what you can do for yourself. Thanks.

Mini rant over. On to the next.

Last night I did something fun on a Friday night for the first time in awhile. I had planned to go to the gym after work, then make dinner, scrub the kitchen, clean my bathroom, read my book, and go to bed around 11:30. My plans totally changed when Linnea asked if I wanted to watch the last two episodes of Sherlock, season 2. How could I possibly say no?

We made a delicious dinner of chicken Parmesan wraps (Pinterest wins again) and cold watermelon, followed by kettle corn (yes -- I did eat a bag and a half by myself) and Snickerdoodles. Sherlock was delightful -- I was absolutely terrified during "The Hound of Baskervilles." I screamed at least four times. "The Reichenbach Fall" wasn't frightening, but it was very fun to be able to follow Sherlock's line of evidence. I was right with him every step of the case. Until, you know, Moriarty pulled that one stunt at the end (I may have screamed then, too).

A late night drive with Kala rounded up the festivities at about 2am. I took her with me when I dropped Linnea off at her home. Kala doesn't get out much, and she likes to go for rides in the car (and I was also glad to have her along to help me not imagine giant black hounds with red eyes tearing out of the bushes around the complex when I got back home).

Today was a good day, too. I woke up feeling very sad again, so I got dressed and went to work on the house. Bathroom scrubbed, kitchen counters and cabinets wiped down, floors swept and mopped, dishes done, laundry started, room straightened, meals prepped, stove top washed -- all in an hour and fifteen minutes. By then I realized I was hungry (that happens a lot now). Wash spinach and drain, rinse strawberries and slice, shred chicken, chop nuts, pour poppy seed dressing, toss together -- salad for eating! Let's just say it was delicious and I might make another tomorrow.

Work with Alyssa and Hannah was a blast. We got almost everything on Tracy's list completed (and mind you, there were about 20 items to do), accidentally ripped up the puzzle piece flooring with the weight of our candy laden carts, climbed up and down ladders hanging hats from the ceiling and stowing boxes of candy on shelves (each box weighs nearly 40 pounds -- carrying 20 of those up a ladder is quite the workout), and just worked hard in general. It's always great to have things to do during a shift, rather than standing around waiting for customers to come in and need help.

Hannah asked if she could come to my house after the shift was over. We ate cold watermelon and made chocolate milk with the Hershey's syrup I keep stowed away in the fridge. Kala kept us entertained with her old lady antics (she lacks manners in some cases), until we finally were laughing so hard we couldn't breath. Pretty soon we got to talking about how she's been doing lately, and then she started asking me questions about Garrett. Half an hour later I'd told her a lot of things I've been keeping back, and I felt badly that I'd spent so much time talking about myself. But she said something that made me feel really happy inside. She smiled and said, "I don't mind. I like to listen. It means that you trust me."

I do trust her. I trust her, and Alyssa, and Linnea -- they're coworkers, yes, but more importantly, they're my friends. We have fun, we have hard times, and we're there for each other when we need each other. And even if we don't need each other, we're there when we want company.

Things are okay. Life is still good. It's hard, and I'm still sad a lot and don't know why, but life is good. Walking through the parking lot tonight in the cool evening air, the night breeze sweet and fresh, the flowers curling into sleep, the stars peeking through the clouds, all I could think about was how good it feels to be alive.

"Remember today, little brother. Today, life is good." -Boromir, LOTR

losing track of time...

It’s amazing how quickly 4 hours passed us by. Not even the darkening of the sky seemed to matter; it was a wholly unconnected phenomenon to the part of the world we were standing on. 120 minutes seemed like 10 minutes, and when we checked the clock and saw that time had slipped away it was shocking. Time, for a moment, had stopped. There was nothing to do and nowhere to be but to be doing and being with you.


.

kaboom...

I'm the kind of person who can't keep her own secrets. I can keep other people's, but never my own. Why? I have to talk to someone about what's going on inside my head. The bad things about that are:

...what happens when you can't find any words?
...who do you go to when you don't know what to say?
...how do you call someone when you're too afraid to dial--after all, what if they actually pick up?

I'll try what my English teacher suggests: word vomit, meaning writing every word that comes to mind to eventually get to the main idea.

I'm upset because
...every time I finally feel comfortable somewhere, everything changes and I have to start all over again.
...I hate the helpless feeling I get when I hear my sisters talk about their friend who killed himself last week, and I hate the fear I feel when they don't talk but you can see all over their faces what they're thinking about.
...there's too much to learn and not enough time to become good at everything.
...people are thoughtless. I am, too.
...I'm so awkward, and I feel like people don't think I'm being sincere when I really and truly am.
...being in pain for a week and a half is not easy to live with (it makes me ache for the people who have to deal with it every single day of their lives).
...no matter what I do, I still look and feel the same.
...I'm suddenly faced with great uncertainty in where I stand at work, and I'm afraid to approach my boss and ask about it because I'm afraid of what she'll say.
...I cannot for the life of me find my paycheck (with my W2 in it that costs $10 to replace).
...no one has really hugged me in days, which is weird because I usually don't like to be touched.
...school is boring. It's kind of a let down, actually.
...I'm selfish. I don't know how to change it, either.
...I'm never going to be good enough.
...writing to my missionary friends is getting harder and harder to do, not because I can't make time, but because (once again) I don't know what to say.
...Molly is naughty on purpose to get attention. Irritating.
...things from my past keep coming to mind, things that hurt or frighten me or make me feel so ashamed of myself. All are things I thought I'd gotten over, but I can't let them go.
...my room is messy, my laundry isn't done, and my homework isn't finished. Each my fault. Each beyond my capacity to complete right now...or at least beyond desire.
...I really, really, really dislike being told how I think. How the heck should anybody know how I think? I don't care how many degrees you have. Do not tell me how I think about the world.
...I'm so afraid of people. I can't even talk to the people I trust because I'm afraid of them.

...explosion in progress...

*kaboom*

strung out...

This is a two part post.

Part 1: Today I went on a date. On Monday, Sean casually mentioned to Kevin that I would be free to double on Wednesday afternoon if Kevin were inclined to ask me. So Kevin did. May I say that this was one of the most fun dates I have ever been on?

It started out with the boys blindfolding the girls and leading them around one of the buildings and outside on campus. Since Kevin was my date, he blindfolded me and made sure I didn't fall down any stairs, crash into any walls, or otherwise do anything very embarrassing or painful. I'll admit that when I first saw the blindfold I was scared to death. There was a lot of trust necessary, and that's been kind of hard for me of late (or the past two years) when it comes to men. However, the second Kevin put his hands on my shoulders to guide me, I felt a feeling of total calm and reassurance come over me that I could trust him.

That reassurance was incredible. At once I felt safe and completely the opposite of awkward. I was able to be myself without feeling the need to apologize for everything I said or did! It was amazing!

Kevin is very fun and very creative. Our little adventure through the Institute building went something like this: through a cave (the basement) to the castle moat (outside in a stairwell), passed the dragon (the vents in the parking garage), through a dungeon (the elevator), through a forest thicket (fake trees), under a bridge (a door that he knocked on to make it sound like there was a board I needed to crawl under when there really wasn't), and over a waterfall (more stairs). After getting through all of these obstacles, we made it to our first clue. Let the search for treasure begin!

The other girl wasn't as familiar with the campus as I was, so figuring out and finding the clues fell to me. Kevin and Sean were no help (except when I surprised Kevin with my "brilliant observations" as he called them and he accidentally let something slip). I felt kind of bossy...Kevin didn't mind though. He kept laughing at me, especially when I got a little frustrated and girlishly stamped my foot when he refused to give me a hint.

The final clue led us to the treasure, which consisted of a small blue cooler placed near the fountain in the middle of the Student Center courtyard. Upon opening it, Megan and I found gold coins (some plastic and others chocolate), Lindorf truffles, and two cans of silly string. I asked Kevin which color he liked better, blue or orange, and he said blue. "Good. Can I spray you with it?" I asked him. "I don't know, can you?" he said, while pulling out two of his own spray cans and attacking me with them.

Good grief, that was so much fun! The whole date was a blast, but seeing him whip out those cans was hilarious! He was totally ready for it. I had to work hard to keep from getting totally covered in that stringy stuff. I haven't had that much fun in a long time! In short, it was one of the most epic dating experiences I've ever had. Honestly, I wouldn't mind going out with him again. Kevin is one awesome guy!

Part 2: Aries has been trying to get in touch with me for the past two weeks.
Every time I've kind of shut the door on him (gently). It was easy at first, but all of the sudden I want to talk to him SO. BAD. I just want to go back to him and say I'm sorry that I wasn't friends with him again right away and that I miss him and want it to be the way it used to be. I want to so badly that it literally hurts.

Then I had a thought that has been puzzling me. Why the heck do I want to go back to being friends (or even something more) with a guy who treated me terribly? I'm so frustrated with this, be it normal or otherwise. I don't understand why he keeps coming back, and why I was doing so great at just being distant and now bam: I want his friendship.

At the same time that I want to talk to him or see him, I don't understand how he can expect me to be "best friends" with him again after all he did. I don't know why he says he can't get over me. I don't know why I want him back after the things he did! It's stupid!

It really does hurt. Physically, mentally, emotionally. It's like breaking into pieces, fighting to breathe, smashing your fingers in a drawer. The worst part is that I would really like to burst into tears but I can't. That sounds weird and super girly, but it's the truth.

A friend I talked to about this last night asked me what I want. I don't know what I want. I say that I want to be able to tell him to leave me alone, or that someone could help me to do that. I say I want him out of my life because each time he comes back is more painful than it was before.

I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Right now I'm more afraid of myself. I'm afraid I'll get myself into trouble on a stupid whim because I might not be strong enough to resist this ridiculous pull.

psychic...

Okay, so maybe I'm not psychic. I just know some people very well, so I can predict their behavior in a way that would make me appear to be psychic when in reality I just spent a lot of time with those people. I just like to seem cooler than I really am. No big deal. :P

As some people know, I've been waiting around for somebody to pop back into my life with an apology of some sort followed by a request for things to go back to how they used to be. Sure enough, I received a seemingly heartfelt apology a couple of days ago, with an attached request for forgiveness. Aries and I had a nice conversation about nothing in particular, because I didn't really want to answer right away. Finally I told him that I wasn't sure what to do about anything. I told him that I agreed with everything he'd said in his apology (except for the part where he said he didn't know what we'd been fighting about...he should have known! I only told him three or four times. Not that it matters anymore), but I didn't know what to do yet.

In short, I was stalling for time to come up with an answer. Should I tell him to jump off a cliff? That was a suggestion and a consideration, but no. Unkind. Should I ignore him completely? Also suggested and considered, but no. Also unkind. I wanted to make sure that I did the RIGHT thing! So I waited, and I thought about it, and I asked for earthly and heavenly help to come up with the right thing to do.

As predicted, Aries didn't give me much time to formulate an answer. He's a 3 days or less kind of guy through and through, whereas I can think about something for a month or more before I feel like I have it just right. He sent me a text a couple of days ago asking if I had an answer for him yet. After saying a little prayer (a helping prayer, as one of my primary students calls them), I felt that it was best to tell him what I talked to my coworkers and a friend about earlier this week. I told him that I do forgive him (which is true), and that we can be casual friends, but any other feelings are gone. I can't give him anything more than that.

Second prediction came true, when he came back with an attempt at a guilt trip. He didn't like the term "casual friends" and said something along the lines of "So I really did lose my best friend..."

Really? He lost his best friend? No way! Shocking.

I don't understand why he doesn't seem to get it. I don't see how he can just expect everything to go back to "normal" and for me to be there for him like I was before. Usually people who put their hand on a stove and get burned don't touch it ever again, even if the knob is turned to 'off'. You just learn not to touch the stove, and if someone told you to do it you don't touch the stove! You learned the hard way and got burned. Why risk it again?

That last paragraph sounds a little bit irritated/anxious. To tell the truth, I'm not super anxious about this whole thing. I've actually felt a lot of peace throughout this current episode. I've been able to refer back to emails from a few trusted friends who have been involved from the very start, and I have several friends who are familiar with this rather long drawn-out story. Most of them only know the medium-sized nutshell (it's kind of a big nut to crack and explain!), but everyone says similar things: forgive him, but don't forget what I have learned.

I really do forgive him. I'm not even very afraid of him anymore (mostly...less afraid would be a better term). If he keeps coming back, fine. He'll just get the same answer. Not only that, but so many people know about him now that he can't get away with anything. There are too many ears and eyes watching this situation for me to be manipulated again. Ann would probably smack me upside the head and then go after him (she's a true redhead, but only when she needs to be). Parker and the girls from work have offered their help if I need it. I don't even want to imagine what Ruthie would say to him! Sister Raddatz and her family are there for me. My sisters and my parents are also aware of what is going on. Several other friends know about it, whether they are from choir, still at MV, or live farther south (Jaden and Kayla and Steven, that would be you).

This time I'm not as alone as I was before. Last time I kept some things a secret because I was afraid and shy, and even a little embarrassed. I didn't want to be "found out", if you want to call it that. Sure, I talked about it. But I didn't tell people about everything that was happening until later on. Now I've learned better that if you can't have a relationship like Elder Holland's, where he wants to shout about it from the rooftops to the entire world, then you better not have that relationship. It applies to friendship as well. If it's a secret, it shouldn't happen.

This has been a novel, I'm sorry. I hope I was able to handle this in a gentle but firm way. I've been honest with Aries. I hope I was kind enough in that. Now it's out of my hands, and it's up to him to take the offer or to walk away. That's all I can offer him. If he wants more than what I can give, then sadly he can't have much of a friendship.

I hope that this is over. I want it to be over. It's gone on long enough. It's time to move on. I get the feeling that it probably won't be over for awhile, but I also get the feeling that as long as I do my best to live well and ask for guidance that it will be fine.

Thank you to those who have been helping me with this. You have been absolutely, 100% vital. I owe you all Lifesavers. After all, you are what you eat. ;)

you're an unpleasant surprise...

Aries strikes again. And this time, he has officially struck out.

When I got out of the shower today I noticed that there was a text from Aries on my phone. He was wondering if I was at home. Yes, why, I said, knowing that he probably would invite himself over. Which ended up happening. I was home alone, so before he could tell me he was coming over I called in backup. Ruthie told me she could be there in half an hour, shortly after Aries would arrive.

He and I didn’t talk about anything. Ruthie deflected the one time the subject came up, when Aries started off by asking me if I still hate him. I told him I don’t, and he said, “Well, you sure made it sound like you do. Seeing as you pretty much told me to go jump off a cliff.”

I never. Ever. Said that. Or anything like it. When I told him so, he said that yes, you did, and then Ruthie broke in loudly saying that she couldn’t find the last two pages of her script for the play she is in. I was very glad she did that, because I was pretty sure any conversation Aries and I started would end very badly. Which kind of happened anyway. After he left, he texted me. All day long I’ve been fighting between anger and heartbreak.

He asked me if I still like him. Here’s where I lied. I really do have feelings for him. Still. Even though I shouldn’t. But it’s not safe for him to know that. If he knows, then he won’t let it go. So I lied. I told him no. Ruthie said it was for the best, too. Then he said he'd wasted my time. I told him he hadn't. Another lie, this time halfway. It was good to see him. At the same time, though, I was wishing he’d never come. While he was sitting there, I just wanted him to leave. It’s impossible to feel safe with someone you don’t, and can’t, trust. It’s hard to be with someone who you are afraid of.

Again, he told me to have a nice life and that I won't be seeing much of him anymore. For some reason, I started to cry. For all of two minutes. Then he said this: “And I’m not shallow enough to stop seeing you because you don’t like me. It’s because I disagree with how you dealt with things.”

*cough*

ExCUSE me? How I dealt with things? Yes, I made my share of mistakes. But for him to have the nerve to say something like that when he knows for a fact that he manipulated and used and hurt me is infuriating.

Now I don’t know how I feel. Furious, yes. And at the same time, I feel crushed. I feel guilty and hurt and terribly alone. I shouldn’t feel guilty. The guilt is misplaced. I feel it anyway, though. Even while I was working, sometime it would hit me and I’d cry.

Jordan was right. It was a bad idea to talk to him. A really bad idea.

I hope he stays away. It’ll be so much easier to get over if he just leaves. This leave and come back and leave and come back and leave again thing is too hard to deal with. I just want him to leave. I’m so scared of him now. This has always been my worst fear, ever since I was little, to get into a mess with a boy who was abusive. And every time, it's my fault. To Aries, it's always my fault.

Work was good for me today. The AF snowie has a TV, and I spent all afternoon cleaning the shack and watching PBS. I had no idea that they have “The Brady Bunch” reruns on PBS!! It totally made me happy. As did watching "America's Got Talent", "The Voice", and an episode of "Avatar: The Last Airbender". Not to mention "America's Funniest Home Videos". There were a couple of times when I was laughing out loud...good thing no customers were there!!

$16.58 in tips made me happy, too. And pistachio snow cones don’t taste anything like pistachios. Just sayin’.

harder to resist...

There are some things that are so tempting, so tantalizing, that it is hard to continue saying no. You start out with a promise, a wall between you and the temptation. "Heck no, fool! I said I wouldn't, so I won't. And that's THAT. NO!"

Resolution:
you will resist

A few days pass. Your resolve has held. You can do this. Besides...

you promised

Then the wall starts to shake a little. Tremors in the ground send whispers, how "no one will know" and "it will make you feel better; you know you want to" creep into your mind. But still, "No!" Just not quite so loudly.

Hair line cracks begin to form, starting at the foundation of that promise wall and slowly inching their way to the center. You feel yourself start to cave, then grip again in protest. "No."

Fractures. Pieces of the walls start flaking off, sliding slowly around your feet. "It won't hurt just once. Do it once, and you can stop after that." But it's a lie, and you know it. Besides. You promised. "no."

The walls collapse, all support gone. "No" is not spoken. Whispered. Whispered hopelessly into the night, letting go of the promise that you should never have made in the first place. The promise you knew you were going to break. Even as you resolved the first time, you knew.

Each passing day it gets harder and harder and harder to resist. Harder to hold on. Harder to keep that promise. Harder to not give up. Harder to fake it. Harder to resist.

and what's even worse?

The more people you have counting on you means more people to disappoint when you fail.

oh, that was a step...and i kinda missed it...

Today has been an off day, like when you're walking down the sidewalk and kind of hit the curb funny. You don't fall down or trip, you just sort of stumble. *step, step, step, stumble! oh!* Yeah. Nothing has gone wrong at all, and everything's been pretty right, but it's just been off.

My BYU application deleted itself, which isn't too horrible because the deadline isn't until December 1st. I've got a couple of weeks.

I'm going to fail my Meteorology exam tomorrow. Seriously. I looked over the study guide tonight and almost said bad words. Then I almost cried. I took notes in class, read the chapters, paid attention, and I'm clueless. School sucks.

On a high note, my Reflections entry is all ready to go. Well, almost. There are a couple things I need to fill out on the media release form thingy, but I have to ask the office what they want me to put because I don't know what region I'm in, what "local" means in the context of a blank line following it, and what I should put for "track" and "teacher". So yeah. Oh, and another good thing. I was SO frustrated with this stupid "Regina's Log" thing that we had for a quiz today in Algebra. Then I looked at my t-chart table thing and suddenly SHA-zam! I totally figured it out. It was majorly epic (only because it will probably never happen again, so it was epic in a major way).

Now I'm going to be completely honest. I am not a trusting person. Pretty much at all. I am here on this blog-heck, you know almost everything about me. Almost. But it's different online. You can choose who you want to be here. You can block a commenter, delete a link from your blog roll, stop reading someone's posts. I'm not a stupid girl. I may be an open book, but not stupid.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Not stupid, eh? Oh, no. I've just trusted someone with the biggest secret of my life. And the whole time I talked there was, and is, this nagging suspicion in my brain that says "You moron. He is totally going to betray you. You idiot. Idiot, idiot, idiot. You're crazy. Why are you telling him this? You can't trust him. He'll listen and pretend to care and drop you like a stone into a river. So why are you trusting him? Hmmmmmm?"

Do you ever feel like that? Do you feel like I do, wanting to be able to trust someone? Needing to see that someone out there will let you talk to them without betraying your confidence? Do you ever do what I did? Have you ever given a person the power to hurt you while hoping beyond hope that they won't?

Stupid girl. Off days are dangerous days. I make myself vulnerable.