act in faith...

"Perhaps the greatest test of our faith and the most difficult part of prayer may be to recognize the answer that comes to us in a thought or a feeling, and then to accept or to act on the answer God chooses to give." -Rex D. Pinegar

I have learned a lot about the Lord in the last couple of days.

I've learned that even though I make mistakes and feel afraid to pray, I can go to the Lord and he will listen.
I've learned that the Lord will answer my prayers and alleviate heartache.
I've learned that a spirit of peace can fill my heart and mind, even when there are tears pouring down my face.
I've learned that the family I was placed in loves me very much, and that I am blessed to have them.
I've learned that the Lord answers the prayers of my parents on my behalf, and that they really are interested in me.
I've learned that the Lord lets me and others use their agency, and that he comforts those who are affected by the choices of others.
I've learned that forgiveness is more than a possibility for me, but a reality.

I've learned that following promptings and holding on to peace is very, very difficult. Because life is not easy, and the fears and doubts creep in easily. Because loneliness sets in, and uncertainty clouds the mind.

Because what you want and what God says is best for you may not be the same thing.

do as in don't...

I find it rather ironic that this was shared by my mom on her Facebook page.

Please know that I'm not blaming the way that I am on my past and current relationship with my mom. I just find it interesting that so many of these strike a chord with how things were in my home in regards to both of my parents. By no means was I (or am I now) a 100% all-around awesome kid, either. No person is perfect, and therefore no person is a perfect parent or child.

Sometimes it is so hard to forgive -- I'm 20 years old and I'm still afraid to be friends with my mom. One of my biggest problems is that I have a very good long term memory. My short term memory frequently gets lost in the static of the past.

All I can do is keep trying.

lost tonight...

...wishing under these deep city lights...



...to be stronger than I am
...to be able to keep things to myself
...to not be a burden
...to be able to smile for real
...to be able to sing again
...to know how to meet expectations
...to pick the right path
...to love fully
...to be alone without being lonely
...to find motivation within myself
...to change
...to understand
...to have the holes inside me filled
...to accept what I cannot control and to let it go
...to have faith instead of fear
...to go one day without crying
...to grasp what is true and what is not
...to think less and do more
...to care more about the people and less about the people's actions
...to forgive
...to forget
...to let go of the past
...to walk without looking at the ground
...to sleep, and then to sleep without dreams
...to be enough

...fading away in wishes...fading away in the work of making them come true...

...keep going...