counter attack...

I keep finding a thought spinning around in my head.

"Wow. Look how much you've lost this year."

In some ways, it's kind of true. I have lost a lot. Often it seems that every time I turn around, some big, awful thing happens that leaves me feeling as though I've been decked across the face. 

I've lost important, meaningful things. I've lost a lot of my freedom that comes from living on my own and having a car at my disposal all of the time. I've lost opportunities, I've lost time, I've lost money. And worst of all, I've lost people I never dreamed I would lose -- or prayed and begged the Lord to let them stay.

But amidst all of that gone-ness, there are so many things I've gained. I've gained new friendships, new opportunities, new responsibilities, new dreams, new knowledge, and maybe even new wisdom. I've gained a better understanding of the Atonement, and I've gained a greater sense of the Holy Spirit's whisperings. I've gained patience and compassion, strength and resolve. Well -- maybe less in the patience department, but more than I had before.

I feel as though I'm closer to my family and to God than I've ever been in my whole life, and that's after all of the mistakes I made.

Admittedly, I'd like to give in to the anger that keeps working it's way into my heart. I'd like to curse and cry and scream and let the whole world know how much my heart is hurting -- but I won't. I don't need to.

There are bigger, more important things in this life. I'm holding out for them.

lightheaded...

Everything I look at squiggles and wiggles before my eyes. The carpet. The wall. The door. The screen. Even my toes are squirming and twisting in a strange, motionless dance. Because they're not actually moving.

Perhaps I'm dehydrated. Perhaps I'm lacking nutrients that my body needs to function properly. Both of these are most likely accurate -- if I remember to eat, or have the will power to force myself, I haven't really been eating very well the past few days. And I cannot for the life of me remember to drink. The water bottle on my desk at work sits full and untouched for entire shifts, as does the one in my backpack, and the one on the kitchen table.

My head is full of air, like a balloon bouncing and jouncing on a string.

My heart is full of lead, like a weight on the floor of the ocean.

Honestly, I'm exhausted. I'm pushing through things, but nothing I'm doing has results like I want.

I can't focus enough to study -- I fill out the study guides, but I take in nothing. I can't get anything done at work --  I go to the office and sit at the desk, but I end up staring at the screen for hours, unaware that I'm doing nothing. I can't complete tasks at home -- I get halfway through a job, such as the dishes, but then have no energy to get them done.

There are so many questions in my head. What did I do wrong? What more could I have done? What should I do now? How can I fix this? Should I? Should I not? What? When? Where? Who? How?

Why?

Questions, questions, tormenting and reopening wounds -- "don't live in the past," "don't dwell on things," "don't ask why." I know. I know not to.

And I do it anyway.

Should I move on?

I'm eavesdropping on two people in at the end of the hallway. One I know from a music class two semesters ago. She said something that, while it doesn't relieve the pain and emptiness between my ears, speaks to my heart:

"If it's the right thing, then you'll still be here when the time is right."

If it's right, God will make it so. Whatever the right thing is, God's will shall be done. Keep living. Keep trying. Keep working. Keep studying. Keep doing.

One day at a time -- one minute, one hour, one day --
moving, moving, moving.
Moving towards God -- to His blessings.

So dizzy.

peace in the storm...

I hate you.

That's been running through my mind a lot today. Vicious and cruel, broken and empty -- there have been various tones of the sentiment.

All day, though, I've seen evidences of how much I am loved. I saw it a lot last night as well. Today I really felt it.

Though I've had my world turned upside down again and my heart wrenched from my chest, I'm okay. Life goes on. Not only does it go on, but it goes on happily, joyfully, with people who love and are in their turn lovable.

I've made serious mistakes. I've lost a lot, including the one person who meant the most to me in the entire world. But I have not lost my faith. Nor have I lost my Heavenly Father. If anything, I feel closer to him than I've felt in a long time. All day I've been comforted and sheltered from the turmoil raging inside my heart. There have been tears, yes. Tears, however, can often be as healing as a good laugh. At least they are for me.

I'm still angry. I'm still heart broken. I'm still confused and sad and scared.

But I'm not alone.

act in faith...

"Perhaps the greatest test of our faith and the most difficult part of prayer may be to recognize the answer that comes to us in a thought or a feeling, and then to accept or to act on the answer God chooses to give." -Rex D. Pinegar

I have learned a lot about the Lord in the last couple of days.

I've learned that even though I make mistakes and feel afraid to pray, I can go to the Lord and he will listen.
I've learned that the Lord will answer my prayers and alleviate heartache.
I've learned that a spirit of peace can fill my heart and mind, even when there are tears pouring down my face.
I've learned that the family I was placed in loves me very much, and that I am blessed to have them.
I've learned that the Lord answers the prayers of my parents on my behalf, and that they really are interested in me.
I've learned that the Lord lets me and others use their agency, and that he comforts those who are affected by the choices of others.
I've learned that forgiveness is more than a possibility for me, but a reality.

I've learned that following promptings and holding on to peace is very, very difficult. Because life is not easy, and the fears and doubts creep in easily. Because loneliness sets in, and uncertainty clouds the mind.

Because what you want and what God says is best for you may not be the same thing.

temple, temple...

One of the few places that I feel total peace is on the grounds of the temple. In this crazy, noisy, topsy-turvy world, I often find that my head and heart start being just as crazy, noisy, and topsy-turvy. Just walking in the gardens and sitting on the steps of the temple helps me get my spiritual bearings -- I drop my cares and worries for a moment, basking in the glow of the sun on the temple walls.

Sunday saw a visit to the St. George temple -- we stopped there before returning home from our spur of the moment adventure. Jeff, Chelsea, Adam, and I took turns taking pictures of one another on the grounds, soaking up the sunshine and enjoying one another's company.

Pretty much perfection right here, folks.

     I think we're pretty sweet together, don't you?

Except when he does this...not quite as sweet...

Yay, friends!

housemates, bromance to the max, best friends

What a wonderful world it is. 

needed this...

"Sometimes in life we become so focused on the finish line that we fail to find joy in the journey." -President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

there'll be joy...

Oh heavens.

                     Oh. Heavens.

                                              OH.

                                                          HEAVENS.

Now that I'm doing oh heavening, how about I tell you a little bit about that.

Last night (Tuesday) was the first time in longer than I can remember that I have experienced true tears of joy. As in being so overcome with happiness and gratitude that I could not contain the emotions. I was absolutely overwhelmed with something I can only describe as real, honest to goodness joy.

Perhaps this is what cloud nine is. People usually describe cloud nine as being in love -- this is so much better than that. This is the confirmation that I am loved and important to God, and that He is absolutely interested in my life. That He is putting things in place to make me the best person I can possibly be. That He recognizes me for what I am trying to do. That He knows me.

God is great.

timing...

I've been thinking a lot about timing lately. Timing as in when things happen in my life. There are certain things  that I want to have happen (some of them right now, if I'm honest). I want to go to Washington, D.C. on an internship. I want to serve a full-time mission for the LDS church. I want to go to graduate school. I want to find a guy who makes me laugh and isn't afraid to take a chance with me. I want to marry that guy. I want a beautiful wedding. I want a little white house with a red door, a pretty yard, and a happy kitchen. I want the sound of children's laughter in the air and pattering feet across the floor. I want to hold hands with my best friend and sit together on the porch watching a sunset.

I want my life to be centered around Christ and the gospel. That's what I try to do. Some people I have met in the recent past have criticized me for this, saying that I'm not really faithful because I only live well in order to reap the rewards of a good life. "You're only doing it for the blessings," some say. 

Well, in some ways, yes. I know that if I give my best effort to live as the Lord has asked and commanded me to that He will bless me. After all, God cannot break His promises if I keep mine, as he said in the Doctrine and Covenants 82:10, "I the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise." But I also do it because I want to live that way. I want to show the Lord that I love Him, and that I desire to be the best I can be for Him. The blessings are just a benefit. 

Not only that, but those blessings don't always come when I want them to come. All of those things that I listed above? So far, none of them have happened, nor will they be happening in the near future (that was reconfirmed tonight). I'll be honest when I say that it is sometimes maddening. I get so frustrated at times, wondering what I'm doing wrong or if there's just something wrong with me as a person. 

This has been on my mind a lot lately, sitting in the back of my head in a box that I'm afraid to open for fear of seeming ungrateful or impatient. Finally I've opened the box and examined the way I've been feeling and how I've been thinking. What I saw hurt! I felt let down and alone and forgotten, wondering what I'd done to fall so short of my dreams. Like going on a mission -- not right now. And dating -- that still never happens. I continually pray to the Lord to help me prepare to be a good missionary so I'm ready when I can go. I ask Him to help me be open to dating, but it never happens. All that ever happens are frightening or stupid experiences which leave me scratching my head wondering what I did to mess up this time.

I finally went to the Lord in prayer and I asked Him, How can I do the right things and be who you want me to be if you won't let me? If you won't make it possible? I'm doing the best that I can, but nothing is working out. You tell me to be patient. You tell me to wait. Am I doing something wrong? I'm trying to be good and be patient, like You've asked. Am I even going in the right direction? I felt like Nephi, when he cried out to God and said "Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord...my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquites" (2 Nephi 4:17). What have I been doing wrong?

With this on my mind, I was absolutely stunned at the answers I began to receive. Sunday's meeting had the same underlying theme, that of waiting on the Lord's timetable. It was repeated over and over again in different ways and by different people, that while the desires of our hearts may be correct, the time may  not be right. Elder Dallin H. Oaks, one of the apostles, said that it is just as important to do the right thing at the right time as it is to do the right thing at all. It is imperative to do the right thing at the right time. The choice may not be wrong, and the desire may be righteous, but the timing of the choices and desires may be off. Elder Oaks emphasized the importance of having faith in the Lord no matter what we are faced with, saying that "faith in the Lord Jesus Christ prepares us to face life's experiences," and that "faith will give us peace and knowledge of God's constancy in our lives. We will not need to plan even the important events in our lives at times, for He will guide us and direct us until those events fall into place, according to our faith."

It's like the scripture in the Bible, the one that says to "trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths" (Proverbs 3:5-6). Yes, I don't understand why things aren't happening, and why I receive the "be patient" answer. I want to serve now! I want to do what I've been told is good and right and true now! But what I want and what the Lord knows is best aren't matching up. Heavenly Father's timing is not my timing. His timetable is different than mine. He knows that I'm frustrated sometimes, and He knows that my frustration stems from a desire to do as He has asked. However, as Elder Oaks reminded, the timing is just as important as the righteousness of a desire. For me, the time has not been right. The Lord still has things for me to do at the place I am right now, and knows that there are things I still need to change and learn before I can take new steps in my life.

For now, I focus on the things I can control: my pursuit of an education, my relationships with my family and friends, and my commitment to the gospel and the Savior. What I must do is be the best person I can be, being faithful and diligent in what I have been set to do, and in the desires that at this present time can be realized. It is my job to rely on His guidance, and to trust the revelation and direction that He gives me. I have to trust Him, and commit my way "unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass" (Psalms 37:5). Because if I do as He asks to the best of my ability, He will take care of me. He will make sure that my desires are realized, if I trust Him and align my will to His.

He made my life better...

via Pinterest

While the scripture reference isn't from the King James translation that I have, I know that this principle is true. While God might not necessarily cause a person pain, he will not leave us alone -- if something (or someone) hurts us, or is taken from us, he'll give us something better. He tells us that he desires happiness for each of his children, that this is his "work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man" (Moses 1:39) for "men are, that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:25). 

I'll admit it. Sometimes life just sucks. Joy seems like something you find in a movie or a book, fabricated and written in such a way that everything works out perfectly. That isn't how real life is though. I'm sure everyone knows this. Things happen. We lose things or we can't make something work -- games, jobs, scholarships, friendships, relationships -- and we don't know why.

In the Bible, Job said that sometimes the Lord "taketh away, who can hinder him?" (Job 9:12). We often don't know why things get "taken away" from us, or why we're experiencing the things we are. Usually these are things that are out of our control. We didn't mean to lose something, and mean for it to be taken away or fall apart. But you know what? Sometimes, God removes things from our lives to give us something better. He knows best what will make us happy -- maybe that means taking away someone you thought would be in your life forever. Maybe that means God stepping aside just enough for you to get hurt, allowing you to see that the person or thing isn't good for you. Or maybe sometimes, things just happen and there isn't really a reason for it -- however, God can take any situation, even one that just happens, and use it to teach us and help us grow. In the end, we'll be happy.

The Lord doesn't leave us to do it alone. Even though things hurt and people do stupid things or manipulate you or you find yourself alone, you're not alone. Sometimes we don't know why things are happening to us. Sometimes there isn't a good reason. You may feel like you're drowning in emotions. You may feel betrayed, lost, broken, hopeless, helpless, alone, afraid, and you have no idea how to get out of it. It could be caused by a person, or by a circumstance, or by your own mind. But the Lord has promised you that if you do as he asks, he won't leave you alone. This promise is in Doctrine and Covenants 82:10, where God says "I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say." He "will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you" (John 14:18).

God gives and he takes -- but he will never, ever take something from you without bestowing upon you something far better than you could ever imagine. He's done it for me. Time and again, he's done it for me. And as long as I do my best to be the girl he wants me to be, he won't leave me alone. He won't leave you alone, either. It's against his nature, you know. If he wasn't there for you when you needed him, he wouldn't be God anymore. God will not and cannot break his promises if you do all you can to let him be in your life.

promptings...

I woke up today in a bit of a fog. Three nights in a row of bad dreams (most of which involve my friends getting killed in car accidents, being shot, intentionally overdosing, or myself being tortured) left me exhausted and full of undesirable thoughts.

With the after-dream mind-set, I began to get ready for the day. I pulled jeans and a t-shirt out of the closet, but immediately felt that my choice of attire was wrong. After arguing with myself and providing a long list of excuses, I gave in and selected a skirt and blouse. I was going to the temple today.

This afternoon was the first time I've attended the temple since Christmas. It had been a long time because of school, and then my recommend expired and I didn't notice until last month. I got it renewed on Sunday, and the man who interviewed me ended our meeting with these parting words: "Please use it often." I'm the type of girl who does what I'm told, especially if there's a slight second urging.

Just as I arrived, I got a text from my dad. All it said was "We got in a car accident. Call me please."

Seriously? Seriously. When it rains, it pours until you feel like you're drowning. But as I started to head back to my car, I stopped and called my dad. He told me that everyone was fine -- mom had some bad whiplash and the car had two scratches in the paint with a dent in the fender (Hondas are miniature tanks, I swear),, but other than that they were totally fine. Dad then told me to not come home, and to go to the temple as I had planned.

Again, I did as I was told. I was frustrated to see that it was very busy, and at first I was annoyed with myself because I forgot it's Wednesday today. Mutual night. Everyone goes to the baptistery on Wednesdays. But as I got ready and sat down in line, I found that I was glad to wait.

It was good to think and feel good inside -- it was the first time in several weeks that I haven't felt badgered by unhappy thoughts and feelings. It was definitely an hour and a half well spent -- I didn't want to leave.

Leave I did, and I was left to think more about what I had learned. But I was also faced with the irritating thoughts and feelings that I've been fighting a lot lately -- around and around they circled in my head. Dad's cancer. Callie's trauma. Work drama. Parker's difficulty. Financial things -- my own, my family's, and my friends'. My own shortcomings. Now the car wreck -- although that did turn out much better than it could have.

Slowly I started to sink back into this awful, dark sadness. I felt horribly guilty and sad and just bad in general. I didn't just need to talk to someone, I wanted to. But I was afraid to. My friends have their own problems, and my family doesn't know anything about what I've been thinking or feeling lately (or if they do, they're not saying anything -- I prefer it that way, actually). I didn't want to worry anyone, or bother anyone. Most of all, I didn't want to push anyone away.

A name came to mind, though. Call him, a little voice said in my head. Um...I don't think so, I replied. Do it, came the response. I thought about it, then asked, You sure? There was no verbal answer, but a warm feeling came over me and I knew it would be okay.

Until there was no answer. Then I felt dumb. I put it off to my imagination, and was relieved when my dad called me a few seconds later. And then my phone beeped while I was talking to him, and it beeped a second time when mom took her turn talking with me.

Two voice mails from the same person -- he'd called me back. Twice. 

So...you were right. Sorry about that, as I dialed the number again.

An hour and a half later, I felt free. I told him the truth about the past couple of months. I told him that what I'd said, about life being great and happy and fantastic wasn't completely true. He wasn't bothered. He wasn't angry. He wasn't even very disappointed in me. He just listened. He reminded me (quite firmly) that I'm not going to do any of this alone, that I'm not even supposed to do things alone. I still felt scared, and I still felt a little silly, but I didn't feel as scared or as silly as I had before. 

I'm glad I listened. I'm glad I obeyed.

Follow the promptings you have. If you get a notion to do something good, be it for you or for someone else, do it. Because in the end, you'll probably help both parties in ways you never imagined.  

lesson Two...

God understands your tears just as well as He understands  your words. After all, He gave you both.

If you have read anything that I have ever written, or talked in person or on the phone with me, you will know that it is rare that I am ever at a loss for words. Yes, I'm actually a shy person, but once you get to know me and the walls come down, the flood gates open and out come thoughts, dreams, jokes, laughs, and more.

There are times, though, when I can find no words to express the thoughts and feelings inside my head and heart. There are times when I find myself cradling broken fragments of memories in my fingers -- snippets of conversations replaying in my ears, flashes of faces in my mind, scenes of love and loss stuttering like an old film in front of my eyes -- those broken fragments are often hard to hold. A forgotten moment can have an edge sharper than a knife when it is brought again to light. Even with the times of joy mixed in, the bite of shattered hopes lingers longer than the reminisces of happiness. Finding words can be as difficult as finding peace.

I am a person who must express what I'm feeling and thinking in some way or another. My first choice is through words, be they written or spoken. I have to get things out. Not doing so results in sleepless nights or nightmares, and withdrawal from others, among other not so healthy coping methods. And so the times when I can't find words, when I can't express how I feel...those times are very hard.

Today has been a day of no words. It hasn't been a bad day by any means, but there were things festering inside of me that I was too afraid to look at, because I knew that if I looked, it would hurt. I pushed those things aside -- I've probably been pushing them aside for a few days. But those things will not stay buried for long. Soon I got too tired, and almost too curious, to not look. And I did.

It was one of those moments when I saw much of my life -- where I've been, where I am, where I'm going -- and it seemed as though I was nothing. No matter what, I'm not good enough. Yes, I've accomplished things, but I'm not good enough to be really worth something in others' lives.

I thought of the older man at my sisters' workplace who was fired shortly after he began working there because he couldn't do the work well enough -- he'd needed a job so badly.

I thought of the friend whose parents are upset at her for things she couldn't control -- she would have kept her word if her car hadn't broken down, and if she'd had the money to fix it.

I thought of all of the people who have lost homes in the fires, all of their belongings and possibly pets -- they couldn't forsee that the places they lived in would be in the path of a monstrous wildfire.

I thought of the girl who has become a good friend in a short amount of time, who got in some trouble with a boy and when she told him she was pregnant, he left her, and when she lost the baby he came back and told her it was all her fault -- she deserves so much better than that.

And then the thought came to my mind -- 'you are not enough. Your writing center job, your associate's degree, your high honors, your house, your life -- YOU -- are not enough to help any of those people.'

My heart aches for these people, and it aches more that I can do nothing to help them. It is a literal ache, one that hit me so hard that I doubled over and did the only thing I could do: I began to cry. I leaned against the wall for what seemed like a lifetime, crying and crying because of the pain I felt in my heart for these people and my inability to help them. And another thought came: how could I believe in a God who let things like this happen to people, especially to those who don't deserve it? And why will He not make me enough, when I have constantly tried to give everything to Him?

I then began to berate myself for worrying about things I can't control and for questioning the Lord. I remembered that everything happens for a reason, and it makes people stronger if they will learn from it. You shouldn't doubt, and anyway, you should be praying rather than crying, a not-so-kind voice said in my head. Mid-sob, though, I was hit by something that I'd never thought of before. I was so surprised that I stopped crying. And another voice answered saying, The Lord understands tears. He hears those just as He hears your words.

I was stunned. How had I never thought of that before? All of those times I'd avoided talking to the Lord because I knew that I would have no words to say and I would merely cry -- He gets that. He understands that there are times when I will be unable to speak, to voice the things that are inside of me. And it isn't just when I'm sad, either. He understands the tears of joy just as well as the tears of sorrow.

Tonight the pain I felt has not been assuaged very much. My doubts are not as prevalent, because I'm trying to step back and remember the "big picture principles." I still ache inside for these strangers and friends, and I will not lie and say that the tears have ceased completely. However, I do know that it is not weak to show the Lord my tears. He understands them -- He gave them to me as a gift, a way to express feelings when I cannot explain them through words.

God understands your tears just as well as He understands your words. After all, He gave you both.

into the fire...

Taking wrong turns. Drawsome. Scones. Protestors. Nephites. Lamanites. Prophets. Ancient records. Pioneers. Founding fathers. Volcanoes. Temple. Impromptu photoshoot. Cartwheels. Round-offs. Smart Phone constellation app. Ghost hunting app. Gullible not written on my shoe. Incredibly genial McDonald's man. Wrong turn. Wildfire. Smoky moon. More wildfire.

You know you have great friends when they make the (almost) two hour drive down to a little tiny town in southern Utah to watch the Manti Mormon Miracle Pageant. While some people call this pageant cheesy and silly (after all, isn't the word 'cheesy' included in the definition of 'pageant'), this event has been one of my all-time favorite summer adventures. I used to go every year with my family, and I always looked forward to it. My family couldn't go this year, and so I am extremely grateful to Ann, Brianna, and Matt for making the trip with me.

I love going to this pageant because despite the script and voice recordings that are older than I am (I remember hearing the same words and voices when I was five), it's something from my childhood that hasn't changed. I love the familiarity of the words, and the dramatic music, and the motions of the actors. But most of all, I love the feeling that I get. When I listen to the story of Joseph Smith; when I see the stories of the Book of Mormon played out on the side of the temple hill; when I watch as the man portraying Christ calls the people to him, and then as all of the little children run to his outstretched arms.

For me, it isn't just a pageant. It's more than that. Yes, it's cheesy, and I'll admit it, I had to keep from laughing a couple of times (the script really does need a little help). However, the peace that I feel and the utter longing that enters my heart when I see the Savior wrap his arms around the children...that isn't something I can laugh at. Sitting at the base of the Manti Temple and feeling tears on my cheeks because of the witness I receive from the Lord is real, not humorous. It's one of the few times during the year that I can recognize the Holy Spirit working on me without any doubt -- it's one of the times where I can receive promptings and reassurance without wondering if I'm confusing my own thoughts and desires with the Lord's whisperings. And for that, I am so grateful.

Another successful adventure, I believe. The fire of the wild before us, and the fire of the Spirit within us.

I take pictures of random things. It was the light and the colors that caught my eye.

Beautiful Manti Temple

Shortly before the pageant began

Ann is adorable.

This photo should be a Christmas card.
"He sees you when you're sleeping...and so do we. Merry Christmas from the Calls! Love, Brianna and Matt."

baby, you've got this...

It's been an interesting Friday-Saturday transition. Yesterday and last night were a bit stressful, but super great. Good friends, good food, good amount of productivity, and good results from said productivity.

Around 3:30 am I woke up with the most awful, awful pain inside that I have ever felt in my life. I haven't cried because of pain for a long time. It was scary to feel so absolutely helpless; I couldn't walk, could barely move! Nothing's wrong according to the medical definition of wrong though, so don't worry.

This morning the pain had mostly faded to a constant, dull throbbing, like when you pull a muscle in your shoulder or neck. It's not too bad, so long as you don't move too fast. So I got up, skipped breakfast because looking at mom's toast made me feel nauseous, grabbed two sharpened pencils, three pieces of paper, my ID card, and prayed that I'd make it through the Stats final without passing out/throwing up.

It sounds dramatic. It kind of was. Meh.

At 11:15 am, the most dreaded exam of my life began. The hall itself was terrifying: that room could probably fit close to (or more than) 600 people. Now I know why people dread having American Heritage in JSB 140 -- you almost get swallowed up in the hugeness of it. Fewer people attended my high school football games!

Luckily it was quieter than a high school football game, and I was happy to find a seat on the end of a row. Immediately I tried to figure out a strategy to not drop all of my stuff (exam packet, bubble sheet, scratch paper, calculator, and pencils) because there truly was no place to put it. The auditorium desks are about two inches longer than an 8.5 x 11 inch piece of paper and maybe an inch wider. Not the best desk to take any sort of exam on. Strategy finalized (haha), I sat down to take the odious Departmental Statistics final.

But I didn't dread it so much after I finished the first page and realized there was no way I could have missed any of those questions. Despite the awkward, abyss-like feeling of the auditorium, the constant whispering shuffle of hundreds of exam papers, the cramped confines of my paper size desk, the dull pain in my body, and the ache in my head from a sleepless night, I knew that stuff. At 12:30 pm I walked out of the auditorium, trying to be afraid of my score, but I just knew I'd done better than what I was hoping for (a C). And guess what?

I ACED that sucker.
90%, my friends. Nine-zero, a straight up A- on the exam I have heard nothing but horror stories about. I could barely (still can barely) fathom the fact that I didn't fail that final. When I saw my ID number next to the 90%, I actually started laughing. The girl who'd scanned in my test smiled and said, "It's a good feeling, isn't it?"

It is indeed a good feeling. So is going home and sleeping from 1 pm to 5 pm without waking up once.

2 finals down, 2 to go. After that, three days in St. George with two of my favorite girls in the world. Bring on English and Humanities!

PS Prayer WORKS, people. If you've done all you can do, and worked as hard as you can despite your limitations, the Lord WILL help you. Give him a shot. He'll give you a miracle.

...

image found on Pinterest

not so sure...

I am a very small, rather insignificant part of this world. What I think and say probably don't matter much to anyone. Especially when it comes to questions about the great plan of life. It's been on my mind a lot lately, the Lord's plan. So many things make me wonder. Wondering about what God is doing is kind of pointless though. He's going to continue doing what He does no matter what my small objections or questions may be. Still, I ask. Rhetorically, of course. I don't expect an answer. Even though I'd like one.

I've been thinking a lot about how the world is today. How society is. The more I think, the more I realize that there are so many things that I don't know. That I don't understand.

I don't understand

...why some people have so much and most have so little.
...the lack of compassion in society.
...why there is so much pain and destruction.
...why people actually choose to hurt others.
...why people cheat and lie and steal and injure and kill.
...the thinking behind using other people or abusing other people.
...how a desire for power can cause an utter lack of humanity.
...the disregard for common courtesy and individual decency.
...why awful, ugly things are considered entertaining.

But the biggest thing I don't understand is why God lets someone hurt someone else. I don't understand it at all. Yes, I know about agency and that if God were to take away a person's agency He would be going against His own laws. If He did that, He would no longer be God. But it still bothers me that an all-powerful, omniscient being would stand by and let terrible things happen. As I've been thinking about it a lot, I can kind of understand the people who say, "I don't believe in God. If there were a God, bad things wouldn't happen. I can't believe in a God who would let so much suffering occur."

I'm not saying I don't believe in God. I've seen and learned and experienced too much to go back on that. I am saying that I can see their point. Even for me it's a hard thing to swallow.

It's probably wrong for me to be bothered. I know that the Lord allowed for an Atonement to provide healing for those who have been hurt or taken advantage of. It isn't just for the perpetrators. It's for the victims, too. But why are there victims at all? Again, back to agency. One of the main laws.

This all stemmed from a commercial I saw for a movie. The whole thing was just awful. There was destruction and violence and anger and pain. The world was literally falling apart. For a moment it was as though I saw the future on the screen. It terrified me, so much so that I started to cry.

Because isn't that what is going to happen? Wars and rumors of wars; secret combinations and not so secret ones; fires and earthquakes and storms and droughts; illnesses; pain and suffering everywhere. It is happening, right now, all over the world. And it scares me to death. People are being hurt everywhere. More people are going to get hurt. And I hate that. I hate it so much that it makes me want to yell at God like I would yell at my dad if he weren't stopping someone from hurting my sister. WHY?! I want to scream. Don't you even CARE?! You say that you do. Prove it!

But who am I to do that? It's wrong to be angry with God. After all, He does know what He is doing. I may not understand what it is right now, but it will all be made right. He's promised it will be. It just frightens me and it makes me so angry that people get hurt, people who have no control over their situations and are just written off as "collateral damage".

I fear for the future of the world. It's the opposite of faith, I know. It's something I'm trying to become better at. Right now I'm just being honest. I mean...I'm going to have to raise my kids in the future. What is it going to be like? How will I answer their questions and prepare them for things I don't even know about yet? The world moves so fast now and changes so quickly; I'll be learning right along with them. How will I know what to do for them and how to teach them?

I want to be a good part of this world. I want to help those around me. I want to be good and faithful and valiant. I want to be strong for my family and my friends and my future family. I don't want to be afraid--but I am.

be exceptional...be complete...

Lately I've been thinking about what it means to be exceptional, to make a difference, to impact the world in some way. Not necessarily on a grand, global scale, but exceptional enough to change something. Perhaps even exceptional enough to change myself, for personal change is no easy thing. I find this to be truer every day.

Some may say that because "everyone is special", no one is special. "Being special" may be seen as the status quot: you're not special because everyone else is and you're only special if you stand out. We sure don't treat everyone like they're special. If that's the way that we saw one another, wouldn't it solve a lot of problems? If when you look at another person, you see someone special instead of someone average--how would that change the world?

2nd Peter 1:3-4 say "According to his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue: Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world..."

Doctrine and Covenants 18:10 reminds that each person, each soul, is important to God, commanding us to "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God."

What if we treated everyone with the belief that inside of them is the incredible? Not just the potential: the incredible, the exceptional, the divine nature is already there. Our world is so set on seeing the flaws and faults and imperfections that the true worth of each individual soul has been forgotten in a tide of false perfection. The Lord says, "be ye therefore perfect". Do you know what perfect means in the Hebrew translation? Perfect: whole, complete, finished. That means something different than flawless.

We're not going to be perfect in this life. We're going to make mistakes. We're going to see people not as they really are. We're going to see ourselves differently, too. But--to become finished and complete--one must work at it. Really work at it, involving the Lord as much as possible in everything. That isn't to say let Him tell you what to do. He won't always tell you what to do. Instead, ask for His advice. Ask for His help, His guidance, His strength and spirit to be with you.

How wonderful is it that God didn't leave us to ourselves? It is said that God no longer speaks to men, that He has forgotten us. Some even say that He gave up. He didn't do that though. I believe that God has instilled in everyone a desire to do something great. Why? Because as children of God, we share in His nature. Goodness, the desire to do good, comes from Him. Whether someone knows it or not, whether the desire is big, small, or hasn't come to conscious thought yet, it's in there.

I want to make a difference. I want to do something, to be something great. Whether that is an outstanding, earth shaking thing or a seemingly insignificant thing, I want to be incredible. Every person has incredible inside. It comes with being human. And someday, if we work hard enough and rely on the Savior and His grace to make up the difference, we will be complete.

just a number...

It is said that age is just a number. That weight is just a number. That income, grade point average, IQ, so many other measurements aren't really measurements at all. They're just numbers.

People cannot be measured in numbers. Can people be measured at all? Really...if everything about a person is "just a number", what does a person become? A number? What happened to the term "human being"?

This week I've been slipping. I've been feeling and thinking so many different things. I remember similar feelings and thoughts, ones I hoped to never revisit. They're not fun. They're painful and lonely. Remembering those things has brought me to remember the "treatment" I went through. It works for a lot of people: the doctor visits, the medications, the therapy sessions. For some, maybe most, those things change lives. For me, those things didn't work. I don't know if it's because I was (and am) a very stubborn person who very much dislikes taking pills and talking to strangers about my deep struggles or what, but for me it didn't do much good. It did some, I'll admit. Just not as much as it does for others.

I hated feeling the affects of a drug on my mental and emotional make up. I could feel myself changing, but it wasn't true change. After a year and a half of medications and therapists I felt a difference only in this way: everything was completely fake. My emotions and thoughts were completely...I don't even know how to describe it. It was like every time I was "happy", I was constantly aware that in the very, very back of my mind I really wasn't happy; that it was a chemical alteration that was causing my real emotions and thoughts to be twisted into an absolutely false optimism. I couldn't really be who I was. The real feeling, thinking me was barricaded behind a facade of pills and doctors telling me things were working. But for me, it wasn't working. That probably makes no sense, but it's just hard to explain.

The therapists were the real kicker though. I sat in an office with a stranger for an hour every week. When you didn't want to be there at all and were taken by force, that hour seemed like a lifetime. And then when the therapist told you more than once that if you really believed in Christ--if you were really following the commandments--you wouldn't be feeling the depression and fear that possessed you, that hour turned into eternity. Then it made me feel even worse about myself, that not only was I a bad person for feeling the way that I did, but that I was also a bad person because if I really had faith I'd be happy. No Faith = Bad Person = No Happiness. Bad equation.

Those people were trying to help me. But they couldn't help me, really. I felt that to them, I was a bunch of numbers on a piece of white paper. I was weight, height, age, gender, class, "on a scale of 1 to 10" selections, yes, no, "do you", "don't you". I still feel that way, which is why I fight this so hard on my own.

I stopped taking medications a year ago. I stopped talking to doctors and therapists. This past year was actually the happiest year of my life. There were some really, really hard days and even weeks, but I came out on top. Right now I'm sliding back into old patterns of thought and behavior. I don't want to be like that. That's why I'm trying so hard. I don't know why it's so hard to talk though--usually people can't get me to shut up.

I don't want to go back to being a number. I don't want to go back to the fake, awful feelings and thoughts I had, the feeling of being trapped and unable to express how things were really working inside. I don't want my happiness to be measured out in milligrams and be put into orange containers with white, child-proof (and sometimes me-proof) lids. I don't want to go back to smiling professionals who waved away my expressions of concern about what I felt was happening. That happened a lot.

From this, you could say that I'm a control freak. I suppose I am. I'm an "I control myself" freak. I don't like outside sources stepping in and taking over. To me it is so very important to work as hard as I can on my own. All of this has taught me many ways to handle the depression and anxiety (admittedly they're not working so well right now). I've come so far on my own in the past two years. Why? Because I put the Lord first (finally figured that one out) and asked Him to help me do this without the pills and therapy sessions. To Christ, you are never a number. Ever. You're always, always, always His lamb, and He is always your Shepherd.

I don't want to be "just a number". I don't want to be a piece of categorical data. I don't want to be a quantitative measure. I am a child of GOD (wow...writing that feels good). He knows me. He knows you. Who but He can help? The master physician, the greatest listener, the best friend.

You are never a number to the Lord. Don't forget that.

He'll Find a Way...

Some of you have probably noticed that I've been on a bit of a Dallyn Bayles kick. I'll warn you now, you'll probably see more of his music in the coming months. Here's why:

When I listen to Dallyn sing, I feel completely at peace. I am reminded again of how much the Lord loves me, and of what the Savior has done for me. The words and musicality of each piece resonates so strongly with me that it gives me courage to keep moving forward. That's what music does for me--it keeps me focused and strengthens me when things are hard. It helps me even when times aren't hard by helping me to move forward with faith and trust that if I do as the Lord commands, He will provide a way. Music is a tool the Spirit uses to teach me and to comfort me. It always has been, and it has become even more important in my life as I've gotten older.

This song, "He'll Find a Way", has been very meaningful to me. I heard it once on the radio when I was driving to an LDC performance last year. It was before I'd ever heard of or met Brother Bayles, and I remember I almost wrecked because I was so overcome by the truth of this song. It was a very dark time in my life, and this song allowed the Spirit to enter my heart and testify to me that I was loved. Now it's still a powerful reminder, and I play it often. I am so grateful for all of the times the Lord has helped me. He cares so much! It's really incredible, if you think about it.

I know that Christ lives. Whoever you are, be you friend or stranger, He loves you. His love can be seen in all directions--all you need to do is look for Him. I promise that He is there, and I know He loves you. Just like He loves me.



When life gets crazy and you've had enough,
and the more you search for some kind of meaning
the more you feel you're out of luck;
When your mind tries to reason and nothing adds up,
lay it all down.
Take a good look around.

His love can be seen in all directions!
His infinite peace longs to hold you every second.
From the thorns in His crown to the sunset colored clouds
He'll find a way to say 'I love you.'

When tears won't relieve you, when your heart feels numb
and your mind keeps repeating the painful,
thoughtless things you've done;
And you're starting to wonder just who you've become,
believe you'll make it!
Give your worry up-
let Him take it.

His love can be seen in all directions!
His infinite peace longs to hold you every second.
From the thorns in His crown to the sunset colored clouds
He'll find a way to say 'I love you.'

Feel His love with each breath you're breathing.
It's as sure as your heart is beating!

His love can be seen in all directions!
His infinite peace longs to hold you every second.
From the thorns in His crown to the sunset colored clouds
He'll find a way to say 'I love you.'

He'll find a way to say 'I love you.'
He'll find a way."

nothing...

I've been sitting on my bed for the past twenty minutes trying to wrap my head around all of the thoughts that are flying through my mind. There is so much going on in my head: to-do lists, conversations, memories, song lyrics, problems I need to sort out, frustrations, lists of blessings and people, things I wonder about. And the strangest thing about it is the utter lack of feeling occurring inside me right now. I literally feel nothing. No pain, no joy, no anger, nothing. At this point I'm merely made up of thoughts that are absolutely disconnected from any emotion.

Earlier in the day I was full of emotions. The range was from one end of the spectrum to the other, from the violent, furious reds of rage to the calm, serene violets of peace. I was all over that ROY G BIV mood necklace palette. For example (just a few):

Anger-I am very, very tired of people who I consider friends trying to discourage me from going on a mission. They all say the same thing: "I don't want to discourage you, BUT..." and off they go with all of the reasons they don't think women should serve missions. If it was just one person, fine. That's one person. However, it's more than one, and it's always a man. I shouldn't care what they think, but when it's a friend saying it, I DO care. I finally just tell people that I don't want to talk about my mission plans with them anymore because I don't want to stay angry or say something that will cause an argument.

Discouraged-See above. Money. Worries about going to BYU. Being unable to keep up with housework. Still coping with some health problems that I don't understand.

Sad-See above. I miss Jordan. I miss Shelby. Saddened by the fact that I can't talk to some of my friends about one of my sincerest desires to go on a mission because they think it's stupid and selfish for a woman to serve a mission (yes, they said that). I also don't feel good enough to go to BYU, and I feel that each good thing I try to do isn't good enough.

Happy-I have amazing friends. I have amazing opportunities. I have the knowledge that the Savior loves me and that I am a child of GOD.

Fearless-With God, all things are possible. So why do I feel sad and discouraged, too? Meh.

Hyper-Caffeine...good friends...making cookies...Christmas activities...BBC's Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle...

Now I've gone from all of that to nothing. Just nothing. No worries, no fears, no anger, no sadness, no happiness, not even tiredness. How can a person feel nothing? The absence of emotion is odd. My mind says it should unsettle me, but I don't feel very unsettled. Absence of emotion, remember?

While I don't feel unsettled, I neither feel content. I'm just here, sitting on the bed typing and thinking. And another nothing: no interest in men. That is weird. It's like I just flipped a switch on Thursday night and any attraction to anybody was shut off. Yeah, yeah...it'll last all of one more day at the most, I know. You don't need to tell me I'm silly. You can if you want to though! I don't mind.

A Silent Night...

The past two weekends have been spent performing in LDC's annual Christmas pageant. At first our show A Silent Night seemed just another thing that I had to do. I wasn't unhappy about it, but neither was I super excited about it. It was just a show, a chance to perform and to make people happy. It just never seemed to mean much to me personally. I wanted people to come and see it so they could feel happy and be uplifted, but it was like the message of it wasn't getting through to me.

That was until our final show, after our president, Teddy, bore her testimony. I was finally able to really feel the message of our story. Before I knew the story and the music, and I loved all of it. I knew in my mind that the story was true, and that what we were doing was blessing many people and helping them through their hard times. But as Teddy spoke of the Savior, and of her upcoming mission, and of her love for each of us, it wasn't just a fact anymore. It was no longer just a fact in my head. It was real truth in my heart.

Christmas isn't glitter and sparkly lights and presents, toys and electronics and gift cards. Christmas isn't Santa Claus and elves and sleigh rides. Christmas is more than that. All of those things can be good and bring happiness, but it isn't what it's all about. Christmas, as Brother Eggett pointed out, is a big birthday party. It's Christ's birthday party! That's what it's all about. Shepherds were invited to celebrate by the angels, a formal invitation from God to announce the birth of His Son! Wise men came later to give gifts to the child, recognizing the little king. Today we continue to celebrate the most wondrous, miraculous birth of all time. Because that's what it's really about. Not the Christmas we see in the windows of every store and on the screen of every TV, but the Christmas we read of in the scriptures. It's the Christmas you feel, the Christmas that gets inside you and causes you to love people you don't even know, or people you don't even like very much. It's the Christmas that makes you want to be a better person, even if it's in a small way that nobody will ever know about. It's the Savior, the Messiah, the King of kings and Lord of Lords! It's Him, and all He did. Because there wouldn't be an Easter without a Christmas.

Let Him in. Into your life, into your heart, into your mind. All we have to do is let Him in.

I'll share a little bit of our show with you now. I hope you enjoy it. Merry Christmas!

My darling friend Amanda and me after the show.

Click here.

All praise to the name of the Father of Light!
One who listens and hears when I call.
Every step He ordains I shall walk without fear.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.

What can mortal men do while I'm safe in His hands?
He is God; on His word I'll rely!
In the midst of my fear I will trust in His name
for I know He will hear when I cry.

He knows all of my feelings,
the depths of despair,
all the limits my soul can endure.
I will trust in His name--I have nothing to fear
for in Him all my hopes are secure.

All praise to the name of the Father of Light!
One who listens and hears when I call.
Every step He ordains I shall walk without fear.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.

He alone can deliver a soul from its death,
lift a life from a wasteland of need.
He alone can replenish with blessings untold
until into His light we are freed!
We are freed!

All praise to the name of the Father of Light!
One who listens and hears when I call.
Every step He ordains I shall walk without fear.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.

Every step He ordains I shall walk without fear!
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.

PS I had the opportunity to sing the solo on this song for one of our performances. To sing what really is my testimony...and to be backed up by this amazing choir...wow. It truly was an incredible experience. I probably will never have a chance like that again, and it has become a memory I will treasure forever.