funny, what you remember...

and what can break your heart.

on repeat...

You know how sometimes you get a song stuck in your head, and it just plays over and over again until you think you'll go crazy? Especially those songs where you only know some of the words, or no words at all, and it's a super catchy bridge part that no one cares about?

Today I've had a phrase stuck in my head that won't go away.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm sitting here on my bedroom floor in the far corner, thinking about the current mantra my mind has chosen for itself and wondering where in the world it came from. Out of nowhere, unexpected. BAM.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm half tempted to go look up some really terrible, obnoxious song to replace the phrase my brain is spinning like ticker tape across my mental eye. But all I can think of is "Friday," and that song is a bit too awful for my liking.

Funny. I don't know what I don't want to do anymore.

the walls come down...

makes sense...

Or does it?

"Sometimes the lyrics just don't make sense...but we like it anyway.

Found this while listening to this song. Laughed out loud.

Enjoy.

why is it so hard to do...

.


You should know--please believe me--I've picked up the phone a thousand times and tried to dial your number...it's never easy. It's like trying to spin the world the other way.

What can I say?

.

He'll Find a Way...

Some of you have probably noticed that I've been on a bit of a Dallyn Bayles kick. I'll warn you now, you'll probably see more of his music in the coming months. Here's why:

When I listen to Dallyn sing, I feel completely at peace. I am reminded again of how much the Lord loves me, and of what the Savior has done for me. The words and musicality of each piece resonates so strongly with me that it gives me courage to keep moving forward. That's what music does for me--it keeps me focused and strengthens me when things are hard. It helps me even when times aren't hard by helping me to move forward with faith and trust that if I do as the Lord commands, He will provide a way. Music is a tool the Spirit uses to teach me and to comfort me. It always has been, and it has become even more important in my life as I've gotten older.

This song, "He'll Find a Way", has been very meaningful to me. I heard it once on the radio when I was driving to an LDC performance last year. It was before I'd ever heard of or met Brother Bayles, and I remember I almost wrecked because I was so overcome by the truth of this song. It was a very dark time in my life, and this song allowed the Spirit to enter my heart and testify to me that I was loved. Now it's still a powerful reminder, and I play it often. I am so grateful for all of the times the Lord has helped me. He cares so much! It's really incredible, if you think about it.

I know that Christ lives. Whoever you are, be you friend or stranger, He loves you. His love can be seen in all directions--all you need to do is look for Him. I promise that He is there, and I know He loves you. Just like He loves me.



When life gets crazy and you've had enough,
and the more you search for some kind of meaning
the more you feel you're out of luck;
When your mind tries to reason and nothing adds up,
lay it all down.
Take a good look around.

His love can be seen in all directions!
His infinite peace longs to hold you every second.
From the thorns in His crown to the sunset colored clouds
He'll find a way to say 'I love you.'

When tears won't relieve you, when your heart feels numb
and your mind keeps repeating the painful,
thoughtless things you've done;
And you're starting to wonder just who you've become,
believe you'll make it!
Give your worry up-
let Him take it.

His love can be seen in all directions!
His infinite peace longs to hold you every second.
From the thorns in His crown to the sunset colored clouds
He'll find a way to say 'I love you.'

Feel His love with each breath you're breathing.
It's as sure as your heart is beating!

His love can be seen in all directions!
His infinite peace longs to hold you every second.
From the thorns in His crown to the sunset colored clouds
He'll find a way to say 'I love you.'

He'll find a way to say 'I love you.'
He'll find a way."

A Silent Night...

The past two weekends have been spent performing in LDC's annual Christmas pageant. At first our show A Silent Night seemed just another thing that I had to do. I wasn't unhappy about it, but neither was I super excited about it. It was just a show, a chance to perform and to make people happy. It just never seemed to mean much to me personally. I wanted people to come and see it so they could feel happy and be uplifted, but it was like the message of it wasn't getting through to me.

That was until our final show, after our president, Teddy, bore her testimony. I was finally able to really feel the message of our story. Before I knew the story and the music, and I loved all of it. I knew in my mind that the story was true, and that what we were doing was blessing many people and helping them through their hard times. But as Teddy spoke of the Savior, and of her upcoming mission, and of her love for each of us, it wasn't just a fact anymore. It was no longer just a fact in my head. It was real truth in my heart.

Christmas isn't glitter and sparkly lights and presents, toys and electronics and gift cards. Christmas isn't Santa Claus and elves and sleigh rides. Christmas is more than that. All of those things can be good and bring happiness, but it isn't what it's all about. Christmas, as Brother Eggett pointed out, is a big birthday party. It's Christ's birthday party! That's what it's all about. Shepherds were invited to celebrate by the angels, a formal invitation from God to announce the birth of His Son! Wise men came later to give gifts to the child, recognizing the little king. Today we continue to celebrate the most wondrous, miraculous birth of all time. Because that's what it's really about. Not the Christmas we see in the windows of every store and on the screen of every TV, but the Christmas we read of in the scriptures. It's the Christmas you feel, the Christmas that gets inside you and causes you to love people you don't even know, or people you don't even like very much. It's the Christmas that makes you want to be a better person, even if it's in a small way that nobody will ever know about. It's the Savior, the Messiah, the King of kings and Lord of Lords! It's Him, and all He did. Because there wouldn't be an Easter without a Christmas.

Let Him in. Into your life, into your heart, into your mind. All we have to do is let Him in.

I'll share a little bit of our show with you now. I hope you enjoy it. Merry Christmas!

My darling friend Amanda and me after the show.

Click here.

All praise to the name of the Father of Light!
One who listens and hears when I call.
Every step He ordains I shall walk without fear.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.

What can mortal men do while I'm safe in His hands?
He is God; on His word I'll rely!
In the midst of my fear I will trust in His name
for I know He will hear when I cry.

He knows all of my feelings,
the depths of despair,
all the limits my soul can endure.
I will trust in His name--I have nothing to fear
for in Him all my hopes are secure.

All praise to the name of the Father of Light!
One who listens and hears when I call.
Every step He ordains I shall walk without fear.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.

He alone can deliver a soul from its death,
lift a life from a wasteland of need.
He alone can replenish with blessings untold
until into His light we are freed!
We are freed!

All praise to the name of the Father of Light!
One who listens and hears when I call.
Every step He ordains I shall walk without fear.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.

Every step He ordains I shall walk without fear!
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.

PS I had the opportunity to sing the solo on this song for one of our performances. To sing what really is my testimony...and to be backed up by this amazing choir...wow. It truly was an incredible experience. I probably will never have a chance like that again, and it has become a memory I will treasure forever.

gratitude...

Savior, Redeemer of my soul
Whose mighty hand hath made
me whole
Whose wondrous pow'r hath raised
me up
And filled with sweet my bitter cup!
What tongue my gratitude can tell
O gracious God of Israel

Never can I repay Thee, Lord
But I can love Thee. Thy pure word
Hath it not been my one delight
My joy by day, my dream by night?
Then let my lips proclaim it still
And all my life reflect Thy will

O'errule mine acts to serve Thine ends
Change frowning foes to smiling friends
Chasten my should till I shall be
In perfect harmony with Thee
Make me more worthy of Thy love
And fit me for the life above


"Make me more worthy of Thy love, and fit me for the life above."

God is merciful...

Those of you who read yesterday's post know that I hated highly disliked the new Twilight movie. After a rather restless night I woke up feeling guilty and kind of gross...there were images and feelings that would not get out of my head. I felt like skipping out on the emergency choir rehearsal that was called for this morning because I just felt terrible and wanted to hole up. Then I remembered that I was one of the people who had raised my hand to agree to be to an extra rehearsal. The thought came to mind, What if every single person who agreed to go is thinking the same thing I am and not one of them goes? What if everyone acted as I will? What would a quality person do?

Well. Better late to a rehearsal than not showing up, correct? And seeing as I'd already knowingly made a mistake by going to a movie I was pretty sure I shouldn't see, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to make a second by not being where I'd said I would be.

The rehearsal was, for me, incredible. Being with such wonderful people and singing music that is centered on the Savior was a huge help to getting the images and memories out of my mind. When we went outside to the parking garage and sang one of our numbers (a Puritan hymn that's sung right in the mask of your face, or in your nose while still keeping the sound rounded instead of wide and nasal) I wanted to jump up and down because of the lightness I felt inside.

After that it just got better. Paul Cardall, a famous LDS pianist and speaker, spoke at the Institute devotional. Listening to the music he played and the words that he shared brought me such peace. Near the end of his presentation he played a medley of hymns, starting with "I Stand All Amazed". It then segued into "Come, Thou Fount". I couldn't hold back the tears as I listened to the music and read the scriptures about the Savior that scrolled across the projector above my head. I felt an overflow of peace and love.

Then...it got better. My younger sisters have had the opportunity to perform in their high school's fall musical, Children of Eden. Dallyn Bayles, a famed Broadway performer (has played roles such as Jean Val Jean in Les Miserables and Raoul in The Phantom of the Opera) was featured as Father, or in other words God. He was, as always, fantastic. So were the others.

It wasn't merely the talent of the students and Dallyn that made the show wonderful--it was the Spirit that they brought to their performances. Each performance had a power behind it, one that conveyed the testimonies of each individual in the cast. As the students sang and spoke their parts, you KNEW truth. You FELT truth. For the second time that day I couldn't hold back tears, and this time it wasn't just two or three. It was just short of a cloudburst. The Spirit was so strong, and I felt what I can only call love.

Somehow I feel like I failed a test yesterday. I didn't stand up for my beliefs, for what I know to be true. I was afraid of opinions, of others' thoughts, of others' actions. I let my fear of what people can do get in the way of what I know to be true and right and good. I put my faith not in the Lord, but in what I can do by myself. And what I can do by myself is nothing compared to what I can do when I put the Lord first.

Today I have seen that the Lord is absolutely involved in my life, down to the very tiniest detail. He knows that I messed up. He knows that I am sorry for the mistake I made, for willingly putting myself into a situation that I shouldn't have been found in. He also knows that I want to do better, but I was struggling to remove the guilt and memories from my mind. I am so, so grateful that he cares enough to bring me the peace and calm I needed today. How wonderful it is that instead of getting angry at you for making a mistake he puts his arms around you and helps you to get yourself out again. That's why he's called the Savior. He doesn't condemn or destroy. That's not why he came. He came to help and heal and save. And he does. Every day.

"All praise to the name
of the Father of light,
one who listens and hears
when I call.
Every step He ordains
I shall walk without fear.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall."

flying solo...

Right now I'm feeling like I'm forever destined to be "the best friend". Which is okay, and is quite fulfilling, actually. Who wouldn't want to have a group of awesome, wonderful best friends? However...seeing all of these friends in relationships...and I don't have one...and I've never really had a legit one...sometimes that's a little hard.

Don't get me wrong, at this point in my life, the last thing I want is a relationship! Seriously, I think that'd be a mistake. And, being honest, I don't really want to do couple things. Like kissing, for example. Um...who came up with that? The logistics of it are just weird. Freaks me out, really.

Even knowing those things though, it's sometimes lonely to see all of these people paired off and super happy to be together, especially since I'm one of the only people in my close group of friends who isn't in a relationship (or who has never been kissed for that matter). At the same time I kind of scoff at having a relationship of my own, I catch myself smiling when I see a guy kiss a girl on the forehead or when a couple walks across campus hand in hand. Awwwwww. Then a split second later I'm deep in thought about what it would be like, then mentally shaking myself back to reality. NO BOYS. Bad idea right now.

Being single is fun! It really is. There's a lot of freedom, and there's a lot less to worry about. At least considering the only "relationship" I've ever been in, which was never quite a relationship but was about to be. Man...I was an idiot. So yeah, compared to that, being single is so much better. No commitment, no being tied down, no being trapped, and a lot less fear that someone you've invested a lot in is going to change his mind or turn out to be someone completely opposite of what he projected himself to be. I mean, if you were only ever friends and things go south, no big. There's a lot less heartache that way.

I know this is probably not the healthiest way to look at relationships, but it's where I'm at right now. For me personally, it's safer. I find that I'm easily taken advantage of, but I don't realize it until I've gotten myself in too deep to escape without a great deal of pain. I don't particularly like being taken advantage of. I don't really like getting my heart broken, either.

In the words of David Archuleta:
"Sometimes you just know when to hold on, when to let go. I'm gonna take this moment that I'm in right now, stop this craziness somehow. Leave it all behind me; no one's gonna find me. I've got nothing to win and I've got nothing to lose, just tryin' to walk in my own two shoes. Gonna take the time now. It's time for me to find out who I am."

That's what time it is. Time for me to find out who I am.

mind muddle...

I can't sleep. Surprise! Here's why:

First, I have a song stuck in my head that I learned way back in fifth grade (maybe 8 or 9 years ago [scary thought]). It's called "Two Little Boys". I remember most of the lyrics and have these gaps (the somethings) in sections:

"Two little boys had two little toys.
Each had a wooden horse.
Gaily they played each summer's day,
soldier boys of course.
One little chap he had a mishap--
broke off his horse's head.
Wept for his toy then cried with joy...something something something...
Did you think I would leave you crying
when there's room on my horse for two?
Climb up here, Jack, and don't be crying
I can go just as fast with two.
When we're grown up we'll both be soldiers...something something something...
Long years have past. War came at last.
Bravely they marched away.
Cannon roared loud and mid battle's crowd
wounded and dying Joe lay.
Then out from the ranks a horse passes by,
out from the ranks so blue.
Gallops away to where Joe lay,
and a voice rang loud and true:
Did you think I would leave you dying
when there's room on my horse for two?
Climb up here, Joe, and don't be sighing
he can go just as fast with two.
Now we're grown up and we're both soldiers...something something something..."

*sigh* Writing it out didn't have the result I hoped for. It's still going through my head over and over again, even though I'm playing other songs. Aaaannoying.

Second reason why I can't sleep: Aries. Always Aries. I don't even know why I miss him! I keep wondering what he's doing, and where he is, and if he's happy, and if he misses me as much as I miss him. I keep wondering if I made a mistake. I'm mad at myself for taking a chance on him when I knew I shouldn't. I'm mad that I miss him. But the worst part is that I wish he was around to hold me and to fix everything, because I can't seem to fix things on my own. That'd just make things worse, of course. Stupid girl.

Third reason why I can't sleep: there is another person that I miss, and I miss him in a very different way than I miss Aries.

Fourth reason: I have a final in the morning. I don't know why I'm nervous for this one. I was able to sleep perfectly fine the night before my math final. This one is just Psychology...I did really well on my midterm...Psychology just clicks for me...so why am I nervous?! Grr.

Fifth reason: There's a friend of mine who I am suddenly scared of. Not because he'd ever hurt me or do anything mean. He's not like that. No, it's because of something he said about a group of people. The words he used? "I despise them." "They disgust me." "I hate people like that." Hm...well, he has no idea that I used to be a part of that group of people. He doesn't need to know, either. But if he were to find out? I wonder how he'd react, and what would happen. That's what scares me.

Dreams are scary sometimes, too. I have lots of dreams every night. Some I remember better than others. One in particular I've had the past three nights. This dream leaves me feeling more exhausted than I was when I went to bed.

The mind is so powerful! Conscious, subconscious, unconscious...whatever. Brain = a very strong muscle, full of chemicals, thoughts, electricity, and all of the other stuff that goes on up there. Sometimes I wish there was an 'off' switch. But then maybe it'd make a person brain dead...not happy. I guess being unable to sleep is better than being brain dead.

I am so odd.

she's not perfect...

I can think of nothing to say. There has been so much in my mind and in my heart these past couple of days, but the feelings won't turn into words. Or they will. Simple, single words and phrases.

These are my words:

guilt.

fear.

pain.

want to belong.

want to trust.

want to be held.

want to be okay.

These are his words:

She loves her mama's lemonade,

hates the sound that good-byes make.

She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.

She swears that there's no difference

between the lies and compliments.

It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough.

The pictures that she sees make her cry.

And she would change everything. Everything-just ask her.

Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster.

And she just needs someone to take her home.

She's giving [people*] what they want;

tries to act so nonchalant,

afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.

She never stays the same for long,

assuming that she'll get it wrong.

Perfect only in her imperfections.

She's not a drama queen. She doesn't want to feel this way.

Only seventeen but tired.

She would change everything for happy ever after.

Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster.

But she just needs someone to take her home.

She's just the way she is, but no one's told her

that's okay.

And she would change everything. Everything-just ask her.

Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster.

She would change everything for happy ever after.

Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster.

She just needs someone to take her home.

(song credit Jon McLaughlin; *edited lyrics for personal use: [people])

I know that this is my fault, for feeling this way. I know I need to rely on myself and God, and not on others. I'm trying to let it all go, to be happy. To try-the human past time. I'm trying.

i think something happened...

I think someone was praying for me today. Several things happened to make me think that.

1. Seminary was even more amazing than usual. And I realized that I have a lot of friends in that class. Last term I really didn't; I think that's why I never really wanted to go. This term I feel wanted and welcome.
   
2. I left my Meteorology exam in tears after leaving the last four questions blank. I had no idea what it was talking about. I was seriously on my way home to...well...cry some more. Then I noticed the lyrics of the song playing on the radio. It was my name in the lyrics, and basically saying not to worry and to smile and to remember that people love you. I stopped crying and realized that not only would breaking down cause me to drive off the road but there was no need to. A lot of other people have failed tests before, and they're still happy. It's not the end of the world.
3. Proud owner of an A Cappella choir t-shirt, complete with ACDA on the bottom to show off our convention performance status. So excited!
4. Mrs. Mathews has asked me to "solo" with a couple of other 1st sopranos on the highest notes in one of the numbers. I never thought she'd ask me to do that. It shows great confidence in my abilities. Wow.
   
5. No one was rude or impatient at work today. Everyone treated me really nicely. Even my co-workers gave me some slack. Of course, Paul teased and so did Scott, but it was all in fun. I was glad to kind of relax and just be able to laugh at nothing.
6. My sisters and I didn't fight while doing the dishes. That never, ever, EVER happens. Maybe I should check to see if the moon is blue tonight.
   
7. I understood my math homework. That doesn't make sense. But it did.
8. The secretaries in the Guidance and Administration Offices totally helped me get my Reflections submission ready. They were really helpful, and were so kind. One of them gave me a candy bar because I looked "a little lonely". Aw.
   
9. The car started with no problems, there was hardly any frost on the windows, the day was warm and sunny, and the temperature in the car/at school was perfect.
10. Mom hasn't been mad at me all day.

I really do think there was some extra help today. I always thought it was totally cliche to say "I feel your prayers", but I think it might be true. I think the help came not just from my own prayers and hopes but from outside sources. I'm really grateful for it. It helped me to stay strong when I wanted to collapse.

Oh. And did I mention? He told me that he loves me.

confession of hypocrisy...

I really, really, really don't like it when people post song lyrics as their whole post for the day with no explanation. But, I'm going to participate in this area of the blogosphere that I don't like so much. I'm posting lyrics. *gasp* I know, I know. I'm a hypocrite. But at least I admit it.

There is a song that sort of fits my situation right now, I think. Two of them, actually, but I'll only do one. Too much lyric posting = seizure or something like that. You do the math, 'cause I suck at it. Anyway as you all know there's this certain good friend in my life that I have come to really like. This friend likes someone else (go figure). So, Taylor Swift's song from the album Fearless sort of makes me laugh at myself, breathe a little sigh, and keep wishing that things will change. Still, maybe it's a good thing that there's no change. Who knows?

You Belong With Me
Taylor Swift

You're on the phone with your girlfriend, She's upset
She's going off about something that you said
She doesn't get your humor like I do

I'm in the room, its a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like
And she'll never know your story like I do

But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming 'bout the day when you'll wake up and find
That what you're lookin for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me
You belong with me

Walkin' the streets with you in your worn out jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on the park bench thinkin' to myself
Hey isn't this easy?

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I haven't seen it in awhile, since she brought you down
You say you're fine I know you better than that
Hey, whatcha doing with a girl like that?

But she wears high heels, I wear sneakers
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me

Standin' by, waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know that?
You belong with me
You belong with me

Oh I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry
I know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams
I think I know where you belong. I think I know it's with me.

Can't you see that I'm the one who understand you?
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me

Standing by or waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know that
You belong with me
You belong with me

Have you ever thought just maybe
You belong with me
You belong with me

Presh. It'll never work out, but it's nice to dream, right? And if some of the lyrics are wrong, I didn't write 'em. I just copy-pasted. Don't you love being able to pin blame on someone else because, hey, it's the Internet. Haha.

And just as a note, I posted this month's first set of 20 Questions under July 6. Haha. They're sort of entertaining to me. (lol)