feelin' 22...

Yup. The big double two -- and let me tell you, it was a good birthday MONTH in January, not just day. I finally got my dream party:

Birthday bowling...

in semi-formal attire!

My lovely ginger girls, Ann and Tatijanna

Friends! Kayla, Ben, Adam, Ben, and Chelsie

More friends! Jason, Tatijanna, Tony, A.J., and Ryan

Even MORE friends! Tyler, Bryan, Laura, Ben, and Jerry

This photo sums up our entire friendship

My Kayla girl -- here's to five years of friendship!

Our manly men -- Adam, Kevin (check out his tux!), Tanner, and Bryan

And because I wanted mashed potatoes, they took me to Chili's -- Ryan, Tony, Tatijanna, Ann, Adam, A.J., Bryan, and Tanner --
not pictured are Laura, Princess, and Jason

In short, it was an excellent birthday. I was so surprised to see that many people come and be all dressed up. It was so much fun. 

Oh, and I almost forgot. Here's the best part:

Birthday flash mob in a bowling alley -- what could be better? I'm super lucky.

...

Lately when I think about writing, I feel sick. Then again, that's how I feel when I think about most things.

I'm often ready to bolt into the nearest restroom because my stomach turns and twists so much. I'm always (not an exaggeration) on the verge of tears. I can't sleep.

The worst thing is that my happiness for other people's joy is tinged with a deep pain. It isn't jealousy; I know how jealousy feels -- mean and angry and bitter. This is different. It's more like a quiet, aching sorrow, one that I don't want the happy person to know about because I don't want to detract from his/her joy.

And yet, I sometimes wish they knew, just so they could give me a hug and a job to do so I can help bring about their special days. It's better when I'm working, especially when I'm working for others.

It'll get better. Honestly, it only can get better from this.

I'm lucky, really. Lucky that this is happening: I'll be more aware of others' feelings. I'm learning to be more forgiving. I'm learning to take care of myself for me, not to please someone else. I'm understanding that what I want is just as important as what someone else wants (although I still often do not have opinions, which some of my friends mistake for not sticking up for what I want -- sometimes, I just don't care what we're doing because I'm with people, which means I'm not alone). I'm getting better at telling people the truth regardless of the consequences. I'm practicing asking for help.

I'm growing.

Funny, how I forget that growing physically comes with pain, too -- joints enlarging, muscles stretching, bones lengthening -- keeping me awake when I was little as my body changed into the 5' 2" person I am now. Why should mental, emotional, and spiritual growth be any different?

Perhaps because the pain, for me, is enhanced by other things in my life, such as the long-time struggle with depression, and the more recent appearance of quite severe anxiety. And part of it is my personality: two of my friends were talking to me last night, and they reminded me quite firmly that my loyalty to others has often placed me as less important -- that it's time to stop taking the backseat. And they're right -- while being loyal isn't a bad thing, strengths can easily be weaknesses if used the wrong way.

I'm lucky in friendship. Lucky that I have people in my life who care about me, and who stick with me no matter what's going on in my life. I'm lucky that I have people who celebrate my successes, and who lift me up when I've hit the ground.

Georgie's just lucky, I guess.

the best people...

...are the people who love you no matter how good or how bad you look, feel, talk, or act. And for them I am grateful.

"that girl," who has stuck with me the longest and who has never, ever given up on me. Ever. And we have no pictures together, and she probably wouldn't want me to post one of her anyway. But just so she knows.

My room mate, my friend I didn't know I had until a year after we met, my "mom" away from home.

My role model, my "big sister" I never knew I wanted, my confidante who knows me better than I know myself.

My advice giver, my three o'clock in the morning go-to guy, my "big brother" I always wanted and never had. 

Who I also have no pictures with. And who is ENGAGED! So happy for him!

My partner in crime, my photographer buddy, my friend who loves getting lost.

Honestly? I can't NOT put him here -- even though we broke each others' hearts and it still sucks, and he confuses me like crazy -- 

I'm so glad he's still a part of my life.

one month...

Until my high school best friend comes home.

The guy who made me laugh.
The guy who made me cry -- because I was laughing so hard.
The guy who took me to Homecoming junior year and now associates me with the color brown (dress).
The guy who helped our friend ask me to Prom to make absolutely certain I would get to go.
The guy who held me when my heart got broken.
The guy who took me to a dance when I was having a bad day.
The guy who forgot to pick me up for three hours and then bought us ice cream.
The guy who biked to my house in the rain dressed as a clown when I was sick to cheer me up.
The guy who fought with me about random stuff.
The guy who shot me over and over with Nerf guns.
The guy who locked me in a closet.
The guy who brought eggnog, Kit Kats, and fuzzy socks to my house at 11:30 at night when I was sad.
The guy who stole my car keys, my shoes, my phone, and my car, all in one afternoon.
The guy who quoted movie lines with me for hours.
The guy who taught me that I was beautiful.

I couldn't have made it through high school without him.

One month. Can't wait!

one of those times...

Lately it feels as though nothing is working out.

I was made student lead at my job. You'd think that would be a good thing, but no. I hate being in charge, particularly when it's a position for which I was never trained because (surprise) it never existed before. It's so frustrating having curators and metadata specialists coming to me for answers to questions I've never known needed to be asked. To every day send people to ask someone else because I don't know what to do.

The paper I'm writing is too smart for me. I don't even understand the eight pages I wrote -- and I don't know if my professor will like it. I'm writing way out of my league because it's fascinating, but honestly? I'm terrified I'll get called out for writing a paper on personal racial identity when -- hello -- white girl right here. I mean, the fact that I'm white doesn't mean that I can't discuss racial issues. It sure is terrifying, though.

The air conditioner broke this morning. And it's the hottest week of the summer so far.

At the same time that nothing seems to be going right, things are going okay. I mean, having a position created for me because the curators recognized that I at least have potential is pretty great. They picked me, out of the seven students -- and me being here the least amount of time.

The paper I'm writing is too smart for me. Yeah -- that's kind of a good thing, right? Because if it's too smart for me, yet I wrote it and the thoughts came from me, then I must be headed in a good direction.

Today is the coolest day of the hottest week of the summer. It's cloudy and overcast, with a nice wind blowing -- kicks up a lot of dust, but the house might not turn into an oven by the end of the day.

Plus, I made a new friend. She's a custodian for the library, and she is one of the sweetest people I've ever known. She told me all about how she used to work at Disneyland, and her vacation to New Orleans this summer with her family. She had the strangest earrings I've ever seen, and was totally focused on getting things cleaned up in the stacks where the construction crew had made a mess. She also noticed things that have been broken or sitting around by my desk for months that I didn't know what to do with, and just took care of them for me.

How nice is that?

And so, things aren't all that bad. It just feels that way.

a little note...

Once upon a time, I woke up from an unexpected nap on a bench at school and found this note on my laptop. I don't know who it's from, but he or she is fantastic:

Then, one time this afternoon, I fell asleep at the tutor table during my shift. I awoke with a jolt from a rather graphic nightmare. Chloe, sitting next to me, asked if I was okay and kept shooting glances at me while I pretended things were fine -- the images were rather disturbing.

When I returned from a tutorial, I found this on my books:

The top half of the note says, "You can do it! One more week!"

There are a lot of nice people in this world. I'm lucky that I call some of them my friends (because I'm pretty sure the person who gave me the anonymous note is a friend -- I just don't know which one -- after all, whoever it was did write my name on the note!)

rough weekend...

This morning I received word that two former students from my high school were killed in a motorcycle accident at about 4:30 a.m. David, one of the people killed, is the brother of one of my concert choir girls who I was section leader over during her sophomore and my senior year of high school. The other student who was killed, Janet, is another one of my concert choir girls.

I only met David once, and I must say that he is one of the funniest, nicest men I've had the opportunity to cross paths with. He came into PartyLand on Saturday morning and bought a bunch of stuff to decorate his sister's car with at her reception. Lineah was married on Friday, and the reception was held on Saturday night. David died today, Sunday morning.

Janet is such a sweet, kind girl. She was in my soprano section. She started out with a shy voice, but by her senior year when she performed in the end of the year concert, it wasn't so shy anymore. She had a big heart and a big smile, and was friendly to everyone. Janet graduated from high school in May of this year.

It's been a really hard year for Mountain View High School. Two students committed suicide during the school year, one of them a good friend of my sisters'. Now two alumni as well. Man. Things like these you never see coming. David and Janet will be missed dearly -- they are very loved people. They touched a lot of lives, mine included.

1 hour, 38 minutes, and 41 seconds...

dear Friend,

I don't know how you can get me to spill secrets and dreams and worries that I never, ever planned on expressing to anyone or anything but my dog and the walls of my bedroom. I don't know how you can tell from the initial "hello" that something is wrong, how in 1 minute or less you understand I'm holding things back.

Somehow you always have time to listen. Despite your busy life, you make time for me -- me, of all people you could make time for. You never judge me, you never put me down, you never disregard my thoughts and feelings. Somehow you always have advice and words of comfort. And no matter what, you're there for me.

During and after such conversations, I often marvel at the fact that you're still here in my life. Even though you know about my issues -- and you truly do know more than almost anyone else in my world -- you're still here. I don't know if I can express my gratitude adequately. You're still here -- even though you see my dark side.

I don't know how you do it. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. You're remarkable. Truly.

And, just for the record, I've decided...well...you really must be a super hero.

all my love,
GKB

woman of light...

Lately I've been trying to get in touch with the incredible people in the blogosphere. I've kept writing on my own, but I haven't read many of the blogs I used to when I was in high school.

As I was reconnecting, I noticed a remembrance button for a name I recognized. After doing a little digging, I received an email from one of the other women whose blog I love, informing me that my friend Char had passed away in June of last year.

I had no idea -- I didn't know Char in person, but I knew her through her words and her photographs. It's actually been really, really hard to wrap my head around. I read her stories all through my years in high school. Her photos, her words, her recipes, her advice, her music -- she was an absolutely beautiful, inspiring, and genuine friend. All of the things she wrote about meant so much to me when I was in my junior and senior year. I read her blog every time she posted, until I left the blog world settle into the new world of "grown up" that I had been tossed into.

Char stopped in to visit here every once in awhile. She commented on pictures from the dances I went to, saying that I looked lovely. That was a time when I was feeling like a rather ugly duckling; she didn't think so.

She gave me advice on how to see the world as a beautiful place.

She was real, you know. She was beautiful and smart and kind and funny. She helped me be stronger and better. She truly was, and is, a wonderful, exceptional, beautiful woman of light who touched my life.

I miss you, my friend. Until we meet in heaven -- I hope it's full of light and warmth and beauty. But of course it is, because guess what? You're an angel there now.

gratitude...

I am grateful for my dad who makes sure I have a ride to my performances and who buys me a hamburger for dinner, and who comes to the theater to watch my show.

I am grateful for Cody who gave me three big hugs today, even though he probably doesn't know how much I needed hugs.

I am grateful for Ann who always makes me smile and laugh and is absolutely wonderful, and for the warm coat she gave me.

I am grateful for Brandon who told me he would pray for me just before we went onstage to perform tonight because I was nervous about my solo and speaking lines.

I am grateful for Santa Claus who told me that my solo was "angelic".

I am grateful for little dogs who are always excited to see me when I come home.

I am grateful for Chelsie who is absolutely hilarious.

I am grateful for people who start the conversation.

I am grateful for my space heater. Super grateful.

I am grateful for Amy and her kind, gentle, loving friendship.

I am grateful for Alyssa and her help finding my phone that I lost at work when it fell out of my pocket and decided to hide between several pieces of merchandise.

I am grateful for Linnea who is always happy to see me.

I am grateful for Tracy and how she always makes sure I know that my work is appreciated and that I'm doing a good job.

I am grateful for Julia and her amazing organizational skills that have allowed this LDC Christmas show to be so much farther ahead than things were last year.

I am grateful for Skyler and how he always asks me how my day is going, and how if I ever seem sad he tries to help cheer me up.

I am grateful that I don't have to walk far in the cold weather.

I am grateful for men who open the door for me.

I am grateful for people who work hard for the good of the group.

I am grateful for good music.

I am grateful for Sister Terry and for her gift to know just what to say right when it needs to be said, and for her sense of humor and example of continual faith for the future.

I am grateful that my grant money came through and I'll be able to pay for school this next semester.

I am grateful for jump drives...they make my life easier.

God is merciful...

Those of you who read yesterday's post know that I hated highly disliked the new Twilight movie. After a rather restless night I woke up feeling guilty and kind of gross...there were images and feelings that would not get out of my head. I felt like skipping out on the emergency choir rehearsal that was called for this morning because I just felt terrible and wanted to hole up. Then I remembered that I was one of the people who had raised my hand to agree to be to an extra rehearsal. The thought came to mind, What if every single person who agreed to go is thinking the same thing I am and not one of them goes? What if everyone acted as I will? What would a quality person do?

Well. Better late to a rehearsal than not showing up, correct? And seeing as I'd already knowingly made a mistake by going to a movie I was pretty sure I shouldn't see, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to make a second by not being where I'd said I would be.

The rehearsal was, for me, incredible. Being with such wonderful people and singing music that is centered on the Savior was a huge help to getting the images and memories out of my mind. When we went outside to the parking garage and sang one of our numbers (a Puritan hymn that's sung right in the mask of your face, or in your nose while still keeping the sound rounded instead of wide and nasal) I wanted to jump up and down because of the lightness I felt inside.

After that it just got better. Paul Cardall, a famous LDS pianist and speaker, spoke at the Institute devotional. Listening to the music he played and the words that he shared brought me such peace. Near the end of his presentation he played a medley of hymns, starting with "I Stand All Amazed". It then segued into "Come, Thou Fount". I couldn't hold back the tears as I listened to the music and read the scriptures about the Savior that scrolled across the projector above my head. I felt an overflow of peace and love.

Then...it got better. My younger sisters have had the opportunity to perform in their high school's fall musical, Children of Eden. Dallyn Bayles, a famed Broadway performer (has played roles such as Jean Val Jean in Les Miserables and Raoul in The Phantom of the Opera) was featured as Father, or in other words God. He was, as always, fantastic. So were the others.

It wasn't merely the talent of the students and Dallyn that made the show wonderful--it was the Spirit that they brought to their performances. Each performance had a power behind it, one that conveyed the testimonies of each individual in the cast. As the students sang and spoke their parts, you KNEW truth. You FELT truth. For the second time that day I couldn't hold back tears, and this time it wasn't just two or three. It was just short of a cloudburst. The Spirit was so strong, and I felt what I can only call love.

Somehow I feel like I failed a test yesterday. I didn't stand up for my beliefs, for what I know to be true. I was afraid of opinions, of others' thoughts, of others' actions. I let my fear of what people can do get in the way of what I know to be true and right and good. I put my faith not in the Lord, but in what I can do by myself. And what I can do by myself is nothing compared to what I can do when I put the Lord first.

Today I have seen that the Lord is absolutely involved in my life, down to the very tiniest detail. He knows that I messed up. He knows that I am sorry for the mistake I made, for willingly putting myself into a situation that I shouldn't have been found in. He also knows that I want to do better, but I was struggling to remove the guilt and memories from my mind. I am so, so grateful that he cares enough to bring me the peace and calm I needed today. How wonderful it is that instead of getting angry at you for making a mistake he puts his arms around you and helps you to get yourself out again. That's why he's called the Savior. He doesn't condemn or destroy. That's not why he came. He came to help and heal and save. And he does. Every day.

"All praise to the name
of the Father of light,
one who listens and hears
when I call.
Every step He ordains
I shall walk without fear.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall."

gratitude...

I am grateful for friends who...

say hello when they see me coming towards them,

sincerely ask me if I'm doing alright,

provide advice that I might not want to hear even though I need to,

dry my tears,

appreciate that I really am trying my best,

convince me to hang out with them after choir,

wrap me up with them in their jackets when I'm freezing cold,

make me laugh and smile like a maniac with their crazy and silly antics,

nearly tickle me to death while eating lunch at Taco Bell,

share their nachos,

think it's cute and not crazy that I talk to puppies and kittens like I do people,

find my amateur knowledge of betta fish interesting and not nerdy,

smile when I buy special gems for Leonardo's tank,

giggle with me about Captain America,

attack one another with hugs and squeals instead of just saying hello,

scope out the current crush scene,

wait with me to make sure I have a ride,

give wonderful hugs,

encourage me in my goals and dreams,

talk about everything and nothing all at the same time,

apologize for their mistakes and forgive me for mine,

offer to help me get my dress altered for choir,

swap nerdy facts,

call me to share their good news and happiness,

continually inspire me to be better by watching the way they each live.