my life right now...

Whoever thought it was a good idea to call me to be a Relief Society teacher is crazy. Wait...

Parker is married. And Sierra is married. And Alyssa is married. And Abe is married. And Jason and Morgan are married...to each other. Funny, if things had gone as planned, I would have beaten them all at tying the knot. Let's just say I'm glad they went first!

I am obsessed with checking my position on the waitlist for Economics 110. Down to 24th (one second)...sorry, 23rd (yes, I did just check it again) from 110th. It's almost as bad as eBay bidding.

White Collar. White. Collar. NO, I have not watched the first season in less than a week for the second time. And NO, I do not plan on starting the second season again tomorrow. Give me a break.

But seriously, Matt Bomer and Tim DeKay -- I can't decide who I like better.

Why is it that I am absolutely terrified of calling/texting/contacting in any way, shape, or form, the one person who I should not be afraid of contacting? It's kind of ridiculous.

Living at home is making me lazy and depressed. I stay in my room all day, avoiding family at all costs because for some reason, every time I emerge, a fight breaks out. I don't know if it's my tone of voice (which would be hard, because I've pretty much stopped speaking), my facial expressions (again, hard because I usually hide behind a book), or my smell (possibly, because mom thinks my jasmine-vanilla lotion smells like bug spray). So basically I sit in my room and weigh the pros and cons of staying or leaving every time I decide to venture out. Let's just say it sucks.

My dogs are possibly THE neediest dogs on the planet. I don't care, though. It's nice having the little furry things in my room all day.

I decided that I figured out why there are so many liberal thinkers in the Humanities and Social Sciences fields -- I've been doing some research on course requirements for various majors and I've found that most (if not all) of those majors are not required to take Economics (except for mine, of course -- go figure), at least at my university . They can take other classes to fulfill course requirements instead. If Econ is an option, they skip it. I would, too, if I had any other choice. So they read loads of Russian or German or French or whatever literature, and tons of philosophy, and never get into the actual history of what happened to the people financially under socialist and communist governments. Fascinating, what we think works, and how we easily ignore actual history.

It sickens me that one person (me) has so much stuff. And yet, when I decide I'm getting rid of things, I cannot let go! That stuff cost money. A lot of it is in the form of books and memories (journals, photographs, and the like), and arts and crafts supplies. Then there's all of the bedding and clothes (gah, I have so many clothes) -- but I use them all! It's a dilemma, I tell you. A real dilemma. 

Sometimes, when I'm having a sad moment, I picture his cute face and just grin like an idiot. And then I wonder why I'm scared to call him, because he is my boyfriend -- I'm afraid that I'm needy, I guess.

I hurt so, so much. After having that ultrasound, I am completely perplexed by the fact that such a tiny piece of anatomy can cause such excruciating and all-consuming pain, not to mention fainting, vomiting, fevers, and what have you. My whole life I've thought that ovaries and uteri and all those other things were huge because anything that could make so much of my body hurt all of the time had to be ginormous. Wrong. Takes childbirth to a whole new level as well, I'll tell you what.

I got hired to do freelance writing for some sort of online independent business marketing firm. Wish me luck.

Oh, one last thing. Guess who is going on a weekend trip to Cedar City with her man and...wait for it...her man's parents. The four of us, three days seeing plays and hanging out at the Shakespeare Festival. I'm honestly extremely excited, and the more I think about it, just as terrified.

Let's do this.

study puppies...also, this is post 1111...what.

Nelly, Thor, and Tasha -- keepin' me company

Kevin -- King of the Pillow Mountain

the hardest thing...

The hardest thing about being a foster mom for dogs isn't letting them go to new homes. Yes, there are tears shed, but the knowledge that your temporary baby is going to have a wonderful life makes it all worth it.

The hardest thing is not being able to save them all.

Knowing that there are animals who will never have a chance to have a family again, or a family in general, is killing me right now. I'm so grateful that Chels and I were able to take Lily, Bowser, and Teddy, and that we'll be able to provide a temporary home for four other dogs (a mom, dad, and their two puppies) this weekend. I wish, though, that I could do more. Just the thought of these wonderful animals being numbered on a kill list at the shelter makes me want to cry.

If you have room in your home for a foster dog, please take the time to check out Rescue Rovers and give these friends a second chance.

da babies is HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I  know this probably looks super, super weird. There is a legitimate reason for three grown-ups of both genders to be pushed up against each other in the bathroom.

BABIES!!!!!!!

Our three little foster babies are here!!

These three kiddos were on the kill list of a Denver shelter. Chelsea saw these three and three other puppies from the same litter posted on Facebook as needing a foster home asap. We eagerly volunteered our home and have spent the last three days dying in suspense.

And here they are! Highly in need of a bath, some dinner, and lots of love -- all of which they received with little hesitation.

Here we have Jeffy with little Lily and Chelley with Baby Bowser.

Here's me with my tiny Theodore, or Teddy Bear as I call him. And there are the babies all in a row.

Our photographer, Adi Bear.

And after a long day of travel, bath time, and play, it's time to sleep.

falling apart...

So the doctor appointment fell through.

                        A pay raise also fell through.

                                            Going on vacation this summer fell through.

                                                                             Housing for summer fell through.

                                                                                                 And the engagement fell through.

But no worries. I have a great life.

I wrote a fairly decent 15 page paper in 8 hours.

I got 100% on my group presentation for Sociology.

I got assigned to review the entire Jimmy Stewart collection at work (talk about a summer project).

I was put in charge of the Cecil B. DeMille collection (over 1,000 boxes of material that need to be processed or catalogued and numbered, which I will be supervising -- talk about a summer AND fall project).

I have parents and sisters who call, text, and email me on a frequent basis to check on me and say hello.

I have an awesome room mate.

I have three wonderful dogs.

And I (still) have a great boyfriend.

Life's good.

taking five...

1. The kitchen experiment I conducted was a success -- want some?
2. Being greeted by a giant, exuberant brown dog every time I come home makes me feel very loved
3. My coworkers are extremely insightful -- not to mention fun to spend time with
4. Jordan's mom and I have been email corresponding for the past couple of weeks -- I love that woman
5. I don't have to live in a box -- I don't even have to live at home right now -- and my House is beautiful

withdraw...

I'm the kind of person who makes plans and sticks to them. I rarely cancel plans, even if I don't feel particularly well. And even though I hate going to parties, I at least try to show up and say hello for a little while.

Lately, though, I've done the opposite. I've made plans, I've rsvp'd to stuff, I've ventured into social functions -- but somehow, I always end up canceling or making as quick an exit as possible. Even at work I find any excuse to hide in the back room, whether it's calling customers or organizing or drinking 6 full water bottles in a five hour shift just so I could retreat to refill and clear my head.

Don't get me wrong. I love my house mate. I love my coworkers (most of them). I love my family. I love my friends. I need people, all of those people in particular.

Right now, though...I don't really want people. It's so hard to hear people say things like, "we need to go hang out to take your mind off of things" or "call me and we'll talk" because, quite honestly, I don't want to go out or talk. I hate getting invited to do things because I just want to stay in my house, cleaning the rooms and cooking meals and spending time with Kala. At the same time, I keep making plans and trying to force myself to make human contact -- I know from experience that it's not good to withdraw completely.

But making plans is the easy part. It's keeping them that's hard. Even sitting in the same room with Natalie was hard after awhile. So was talking with my coworkers tonight. I wonder if part of it is due to my sudden inability to focus on anything anyone is saying. I'll be looking right at Natalie while she's talking to me, but I cannot for the life of me seem to focus on what she is saying. The same thing happened with Tracy and Danielle at work, and my family when we went to the library tonight. It was like a radio that can't hone in a frequency and keeps shooting out static with intermittent, broken, muffled words coming through the speakers.

I just want to be alone. Alone with nothing but white noise in my head and white lights before my eyes.

the House...

Guys. Guess what?

I am officially moved into my new House, complete with awesome roommate Natalie and All-American dog Kala.

And yes, I did say House. Not apartment. House. Meaning there is an upstairs, a downstairs, and a basement. Four bathrooms, one unfinished at the moment. Three bedrooms upstairs (one being used for storage) and two in the basement (also being used for storage). Washer and dryer. Garage. The kitchen has tons of counter space, lots of cupboards, a dishwasher, fridge/freezer, microwave, oven/stove, pantry -- it's actually a kitchen. I mean, it is a House, after all. H-O-U-S-E.

Wait. It gets better. I have my own bedroom, and my own bathroom. The closet in my room is epic. I have my own shelf in the pantry with my own food, a shelf and a drawer in the fridge, and orange juice in the freezer (courtesy of my dad).

I've a ten minute walk to PartyLand. It's about four minutes more to the library. The parks are either five minutes or fifteen, depending on which direction you walk (unless you go to the neighborhood park, then it's two minutes tops). The other park and the gym are about eight minutes away. If I were to get a bicycle, I could reasonably get to the grocery store without needing a car as well (Natalie has one though, so carrying groceries back will be much easier).

But those things aren't the best parts. The best part is this: I am OUT. I'm on my own, answering to myself. I'm living well because I want to, not because I have to. And it feels so. Good. I have a friend who is more eloquent than I am, so I will use his words to describe this feeling:

"There is honestly no more affirming feeling than the one you get when you know your time is invested rather than spent... It's not that you have more freedom, (which you do) but it's that you have more liberty. By this I mean that you're able to do the things your parents would have wanted you to do in the first place, but now it's because it's what you want."

This is a dream come true, in more ways than one. Literally. I'll give you one example. Ever since I can remember, I've always dreamed of having the means to live in a house, rather than an apartment. Everyone (or almost everyone) always said I was crazy and naive and "good luck with that, sweetheart -- you'll get your wake up call soon enough."

Well. I woke up in a House today. Let's just say I skipped the apartment and went with the House instead.

things get better...

...stressful days still hold smile-worthy things...
...random calls from dad because he said he had a feeling I needed someone -- twice in one day
...texting Brianna and having a fun conversation with her for a few minutes
...talking to my sister Amanda for a little while and sharing dreams and schemes
...my dogs Misty and Molly "sharing" my dinner (they stole a potsticker) and cuddling with me on the couch
...chatting with Parker for about 15 minutes after I accidently pocket dialed him, and he called me back -- so good to hear his voice
...a sympathetic comment from a friend regarding the upcoming exam
...my paycheck is bigger than I expected it to be
...Amanda made chocolate milkshakes -- BIG chocolate milkshakes
...this picture that Linnea shared on my Facebook page:

...little tender mercies...so grateful for them...

beagle boy...

I've been missing my Buddy dog lately. Misty and Molly are great girls, and I love them. Right now, though, I wish that I could hear Buddy clickety click across the kitchen, trot thuddle trot down the stairs, skippity HEAVE up onto my bed, then feel him put his head on my lap, see him look up at me, and with those eyes of his ask, "Hey, friend. Whatcha doin'?"




I wish I'd spent more time with him. I wish I'd taken more pictures. I wish I could have him back, and hear his booming bray; see him grin after treeing a cat or mastering a trick; feel his silky soft ears between my fingers; hold him tight when I'm sad or afraid.

Oh, I miss my Buddy.

too cute...

HOW are they so CUTE?!




I mean, come on. How can you resist this face?






"Hey! I like you!"


"The cat made me do it."


BABY BEAGLE!!


All images found through Google Images

spoke too soon...

May I just say that I hate missing school? You get behind, you miss quizzes, you have attendance points docked, you're stuck at home by yourself all day, and if the dog pees on the floor when you were asleep it's your fault because you weren't paying attention. Not that she did that, but if she had.

I especially hate missing school when it's because I can't walk from pain. How do you explain that to a professor? "Dear Professor so and so, I missed your class and the quiz due to a sudden illness that occurs frequently but the doctors don't know what is causing it so...yeah. Sorry."

That's the really frustrating thing about this, not being able to explain it.

And so I'm in my room in bed with Misty at my feet, Molly outside because she won't come inside no matter how hard I try, and a giant smartwater bottle next to me with a picture of a crab inside of it (not very smart, smartwater people: the kind of crab you put on the label does not live in freshwater). I have letters to write, homework to do, a party to finish planning, errands to run if I can, laundry in the washer, and all I've done is watch episodes of "Once Upon a Time". Ann showed me the first couple of episodes and now I'm wondering if this is how a fish feels after it's taken the bait...

contrast...

I feel [bad, upset, disappointed] when
...I find out I did a lot worse on a test than I thought I did.
...there are no cookies in the cookie jar.
...I make a mistake at work.
...the pocket in my backpack that holds my iClicker (quiz taking remote) is empty.
...my dog bites my face for no reason.
...plans alter drastically (I dislike abrupt change).
...the "fuel tank empty" light comes on when I don't expect it.
...my backpack is very heavy and I'm parked out by the football stadium.
...people sit on me because they don't realize that I'm there.

I feel [good, happy, excited] when
...a professor is unhappy with overall test scores not because we're bad students, but because "I didn't teach the material well enough, so I'm going to look at your answers and adjust as needed to help you. It's only fair, really!"
...there are cookies in the cookie jar AND in my lunch.
...the mistake I made at work ends up adding to the decor in the store.
...there is no iClicker quiz on the day it disappeared from my backpack.
...my other dog kisses my nose better after the first one bit me.
...altered plans end up being better than the original ones.
...I have enough money on my card to put gas in my car's tank.
...a nice boy helps me with my books and bag.
...people sit next to me so I'm not by myself, aka they noticed me before sitting down.

almost funny...

Creepy...


.

gratitude...

I am grateful for my dad who makes sure I have a ride to my performances and who buys me a hamburger for dinner, and who comes to the theater to watch my show.

I am grateful for Cody who gave me three big hugs today, even though he probably doesn't know how much I needed hugs.

I am grateful for Ann who always makes me smile and laugh and is absolutely wonderful, and for the warm coat she gave me.

I am grateful for Brandon who told me he would pray for me just before we went onstage to perform tonight because I was nervous about my solo and speaking lines.

I am grateful for Santa Claus who told me that my solo was "angelic".

I am grateful for little dogs who are always excited to see me when I come home.

I am grateful for Chelsie who is absolutely hilarious.

I am grateful for people who start the conversation.

I am grateful for my space heater. Super grateful.

I am grateful for Amy and her kind, gentle, loving friendship.

I am grateful for Alyssa and her help finding my phone that I lost at work when it fell out of my pocket and decided to hide between several pieces of merchandise.

I am grateful for Linnea who is always happy to see me.

I am grateful for Tracy and how she always makes sure I know that my work is appreciated and that I'm doing a good job.

I am grateful for Julia and her amazing organizational skills that have allowed this LDC Christmas show to be so much farther ahead than things were last year.

I am grateful for Skyler and how he always asks me how my day is going, and how if I ever seem sad he tries to help cheer me up.

I am grateful that I don't have to walk far in the cold weather.

I am grateful for men who open the door for me.

I am grateful for people who work hard for the good of the group.

I am grateful for good music.

I am grateful for Sister Terry and for her gift to know just what to say right when it needs to be said, and for her sense of humor and example of continual faith for the future.

I am grateful that my grant money came through and I'll be able to pay for school this next semester.

I am grateful for jump drives...they make my life easier.

while you were out...

My aunt sent me this video. I haven't laughed that hard in days.