comic KAAAAAAHN...

No, I'm not actually a Trekkie, though I have been initiated into the fandom by several very persistent friends. It's going to be a long undertaking. They're quite dedicated.

Despite my lack of Trekkie-ness, you can count on my nerdy affiliations to other fandoms, like Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, the TV series Chuck, Harry Potter, among a myriad of fun things. Which is why I once again attended the Salt Lake Comic Con this April with one of my best friends.

 

Here we are, me and Linnea. We're two of the cutest little nerds you're ever gonna meet, if you're lucky. ;) This is the second time we've gone together, and we're all ready making plans for September.

Meeting Karen Gillan from the popular TV series Dr. Who, which I've never actually seen. Linnea was kind enough to let me be in her the photo. Can you tell that I'm super tired? We'd been in line for over two hours!

Meet the handsome, charming, devil-may-care and self-proclaimed "I'm a nerd just like you guys!" Karl Urban of The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers and The Return of the King. When I walked up to him, I exclaimed, "Wow! You're super tall!" He laughed and in his adorable Kiwi (New Zealand) accent, he said, "No worries!" He then put his arms around us and bent his knees a little bit. 

He is so TALL. 

But my favorite -- the man who I was so excited to meet that I almost cried -- Adam Baldwin, who plays John Casey in my favorite TV show, Chuck. Yes, I know that it's kind of silly that I about cried from happiness and excitement. It was really special for me, though. I even got a giant hug when I said hello to him. It was a literal dream come true.

We had such a good time together. I was lucky enough to go on Saturday with a few other friends. I got to see Adam Baldwin again and attend the panel where he answered questions. One of the guys I was with went up to ask a question and got Mr. Baldwin to do his John Casey growl just for me! Afterwards, we got to meet Patrick Stewart -- another step to making me a real Trekkie. They just don't give up!

Such a fun experience. I can't wait for September.

so far, so good...

4 days into the new year and it's been good...

...my bedroom is reorganized, with only a small-ish mountain of clothes to put back into the dresser...
...my last full semester of college is scheduled and my graduation application has been submitted (yikes)...
...I've seen Saving Mr. Banks and had Chik-fil-A (if heaven were a sandwich)...
...I've been to an amazing art exhibit and had an incredibly delicious dinner at a fancy restaurant for which I was not allowed to pay (which is a lot easier for me to allow than it used to be)...
...the mystery of Sherlock's two year disappearance is still frustratingly unsolved, as Steven Moffat will not ever give an inch when it comes to satisfying fans' curiosity...
..my articles are appearing online and I only have six left to finish by Monday...
...I've had good, long, honest late night talks with people I care about, and I've laughed and cried and felt alive...
...I've been hugged -- close and tight and long -- it's amazing what an honest hug will do.

A part of me still aches. That frustrates me. It frustrates me because despite all of the good things that I have, I feel desperately out of control. I feel frightened and alone and sad and helpless -- so full of feelings that I'm empty. I say that a lot, but it's the only way I can describe it.

I don't want to be like this. I don't want to feel so terrified and sad.

My wish for moments of happiness does come true, and frequently. All of the things that I've done and seen this week were happy moments; more than moments, some of them were hours. Hours of time where I could get out of the emptiness and really feel alive again, instead of being trapped in this seemingly endless state of feeling too much of nothing good.

Truly, I feel helpless. I feel so in need of help that I worry that I'm needy. I don't like needy people. I don't want to be a needy person. I want to be strong and independent and comfortable in my own skin. Right now (and for a long time) I've wanted out of my skin and into something...different. I've never been totally confident. Who is, right? But I've been better than I am now.

Hopefully, good things will keep happening. And they will -- they haven't stopped so far. What I really hope is that I'll be okay enough to see the good things, and not push them away because I'm too scared to do anything. I hope I don't do that.

glazed over...

All finished and glazed! Mine makes a superb hot chocolate mug -- it turned out better than I expected. We are sooo creative! 

Ann's soup mug is the white with green, and my hot chocolate mug is the red with white

birds of a feather...

My best friend Ann and I have lots of adventures, so many that I was shocked when I realized...we've never been to Color Me Mine together.

Granted, I haven't been there with anyone since I was a junior in high school, which was a little while ago. So, I dragged out my Ann Girl and her artsy-ness, and away we went.

Two giant mugs, two bird designs, two hours of fun, and two best friends -- it was just what I needed.

overwhelmed...

Wednesday was like almost any other Wednesday. Except for one thing: while I was attempting to butter some French bread, I found myself slumped against the counter with no recollection of the few seconds before I fell.

The pain has been bad this week.

Thursday was much like Wednesday, minus the French bread and the passing out. The physical and emotional pain peaked. I was scared, angry, tired, and alone -- alone in the sense that I was stuck in my body and mind, and trying to get out was too exhausting.

And then, I was asked out on a date. Not just any normal run-of-the-mill homework date, which has become the standard due to our heavy workloads, but a real one. Where he called me up and issued a formal invitation; I put on a skirt, blouse, and heels, and he wore slacks with a tie; he picked me up at 7:30; I wasn't allowed to open any doors at all (usually he opens the car door for me to get inside, and I let myself out because I'm silly that way); he took me to Mimi's Cafe; and we talked for hours. And not just all of that-- he came to my door in my favorite green shirt and the jacket I got him for his birthday, holding a white rose tinged with brilliant red, a box of all dark chocolates, and strawberries with chocolate syrup for later on (our new favorite treat because we can't afford real chocolate covered strawberries, nor do we have time to make them).

A day later, I still can't entirely comprehend it all. That someone would go so out of his way for me -- to get off work, to wear the clothes I like so much, to bring gifts that mean a lot to me, and to take me somewhere so nice -- even in the face of missing valuable homework time. Because he knew I was hurting, and that things had been hard. Because he wanted to make me smile.

What's even more amazing to me is that this isn't the first time this has happened.

It's overwhelming in the best way.

the Cedar-less City...

On Saturday morning, Adam made an observation that both made me laugh and realize that I'd never thought of another thing before. Chest deep in water (meaning I was neck deep), he out at the view from our hotel swimming pool and said, "We're in Cedar City," to which I replied with an almost 'no, duh' sort of expression. A few moments of surveying again and he turned to me, saying very seriously (in a voice reminiscent of a little boy), "I haven't seen any cedars."

As I bobbed up and down with laughter at his expression, I realized that I had never, ever thought of that, and I've been to Cedar City many times.

Yes, Cedar City, the city with no cedar trees. However -- I did learn that Cedar City got its name because of the juniper trees that surround the area, as the trees drop a sweet pollen in the early spring and late fall. Having grown up in Utah, I don't think juniper trees smell anything like cedar trees, but that's beside the point.

Watching the Green Show before attending Love's Labors Lost

The weekend was fabulous. I haven't laughed so much in weeks -- between Adam's parents and Adam himself, there were times I couldn't breathe for laughing. That doesn't even include the absolute hilarity and cleverness of Peter and the Starcatcher, a play currently showing as part of the Utah Shakespeare Festival. It has to be the funniest play I have ever seen. Adam and I went while his parents attended a wedding in St. George, and we both wished they could have seen the play, too. I'd go back tomorrow just to watch it again!

I loved this trip. Usually I dread vacations, and I can't wait to go home. This time, though, I was counting down the hours, and I didn't ever want it to end. The plays we saw -- Love's Labors Lost, Peter and the Starcatcher, and King John -- were all wonderfully done. There were no fights or problems, and I just felt loved and accepted, the whole time.

Sitting the Adams Theater, a replica of The Globe in London, just before King John began 

Lovely, lovely weekend.

my life right now...

Whoever thought it was a good idea to call me to be a Relief Society teacher is crazy. Wait...

Parker is married. And Sierra is married. And Alyssa is married. And Abe is married. And Jason and Morgan are married...to each other. Funny, if things had gone as planned, I would have beaten them all at tying the knot. Let's just say I'm glad they went first!

I am obsessed with checking my position on the waitlist for Economics 110. Down to 24th (one second)...sorry, 23rd (yes, I did just check it again) from 110th. It's almost as bad as eBay bidding.

White Collar. White. Collar. NO, I have not watched the first season in less than a week for the second time. And NO, I do not plan on starting the second season again tomorrow. Give me a break.

But seriously, Matt Bomer and Tim DeKay -- I can't decide who I like better.

Why is it that I am absolutely terrified of calling/texting/contacting in any way, shape, or form, the one person who I should not be afraid of contacting? It's kind of ridiculous.

Living at home is making me lazy and depressed. I stay in my room all day, avoiding family at all costs because for some reason, every time I emerge, a fight breaks out. I don't know if it's my tone of voice (which would be hard, because I've pretty much stopped speaking), my facial expressions (again, hard because I usually hide behind a book), or my smell (possibly, because mom thinks my jasmine-vanilla lotion smells like bug spray). So basically I sit in my room and weigh the pros and cons of staying or leaving every time I decide to venture out. Let's just say it sucks.

My dogs are possibly THE neediest dogs on the planet. I don't care, though. It's nice having the little furry things in my room all day.

I decided that I figured out why there are so many liberal thinkers in the Humanities and Social Sciences fields -- I've been doing some research on course requirements for various majors and I've found that most (if not all) of those majors are not required to take Economics (except for mine, of course -- go figure), at least at my university . They can take other classes to fulfill course requirements instead. If Econ is an option, they skip it. I would, too, if I had any other choice. So they read loads of Russian or German or French or whatever literature, and tons of philosophy, and never get into the actual history of what happened to the people financially under socialist and communist governments. Fascinating, what we think works, and how we easily ignore actual history.

It sickens me that one person (me) has so much stuff. And yet, when I decide I'm getting rid of things, I cannot let go! That stuff cost money. A lot of it is in the form of books and memories (journals, photographs, and the like), and arts and crafts supplies. Then there's all of the bedding and clothes (gah, I have so many clothes) -- but I use them all! It's a dilemma, I tell you. A real dilemma. 

Sometimes, when I'm having a sad moment, I picture his cute face and just grin like an idiot. And then I wonder why I'm scared to call him, because he is my boyfriend -- I'm afraid that I'm needy, I guess.

I hurt so, so much. After having that ultrasound, I am completely perplexed by the fact that such a tiny piece of anatomy can cause such excruciating and all-consuming pain, not to mention fainting, vomiting, fevers, and what have you. My whole life I've thought that ovaries and uteri and all those other things were huge because anything that could make so much of my body hurt all of the time had to be ginormous. Wrong. Takes childbirth to a whole new level as well, I'll tell you what.

I got hired to do freelance writing for some sort of online independent business marketing firm. Wish me luck.

Oh, one last thing. Guess who is going on a weekend trip to Cedar City with her man and...wait for it...her man's parents. The four of us, three days seeing plays and hanging out at the Shakespeare Festival. I'm honestly extremely excited, and the more I think about it, just as terrified.

Let's do this.

pioneers mean more carnivals...

Given that I've been to two carnivals already this summer, it's no surprise that I jumped at the chance to attend a third. Pioneer Day in Utah means more festivities and fireworks -- how could I miss it? I truly love carnivals and fairs and festivals -- so much to look at, so much to do, and so many people to watch. So much life!




And so many dreams came true...as in I can cross them off my bucket list:



1. Go to a carnival or street fair with a special someone - check. I was lucky enough to go with my best girl and most wonderful housemate you could ask for, and my best man.

2. Receive a surprise gift while there because said special someone was paying attention to what I was looking at - check. Yeah - Adam was watching me window shop and noticed me lingering on a set of earrings. And he bought them for me. Aw.

3. Have a special someone win a prize - this wasn't always a bucket list item because I do not trust any games whatsoever, but because he won - check. We named her Zelda.




4. Take silly pictures and wear funny headgear - check. We were celebrating the baby prince in our princess garb and jewelry. Just, you know. Because we can.

5. Watch fireworks while holding hands with a special someone - check.

 

getting a paint job...

When it's too late to go bowling, you're too full to go to Hang Time, and it's too dark to go to the park...it's time to pull out the butcher paper and finger paints.

Hours of fun. Literally.

Clockwise from top middle: starship Enterprise, the Sun, a shooting star, Superman emblem, Sirius the Dog Star, a comet, an Earth-strangling-cheese-eating space octopus, Earth, and moon cheese

 And of COURSE we painted each other. Much too tempting to resist.

He brings out the best in me...um...

light 'em up...

Something you should know about me: I love, LOVE. The Provo Freedom Festival Stadium of Fire concert. Provo boasts the largest 4th of July celebration in the country (although I highly doubt that is the case) -- be that true or false, the Stadium of Fire is kick-freakin' awesome.

Something else you should know about me: I love, love, love...LOVE...love, love. Kelly Clarkson. Watch. I'll prove it with this self-created definition of Kelly Clarkson:

Kelly Clarkson (proper noun with amazing vocal chords and adorable personality): 1. amazing, 2. incredibly talented, 3. personal, beautiful, and real, 4. did I mention amazing?

synonyms: amazing, awe inspiring, my voice crush

Yes. I have a slight obsession. It's fine.

Lucky for me, this guy was sweet enough to go with me so I wouldn't have to go by myself.

He also bought me a soft pretzel while I was standing in the eternally long line for the restroom, and this is the change he got back: a 50 cent piece commemorating the 200th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Total geek out moment -- of all days to get one of these!

And there she is!!!

This 4th of July was a blast -- wouldn't have been the same without my bestie.

miss independent...

Provo boasts the biggest 4th of July celebration in the state of Utah. They also boast the biggest 4th of July celebration in the United States. However, I'm not entirely sure that is true (and I'm almost positive that it isn't).

As independent as I like to think I am, I'm not. I like doing things with other people, and I often don't do things I like because I don't like going alone. So I was really glad when Ann invited me to see the balloon festival and the parade on the 4th of July.

Sadly, the balloon launch was cancelled due to "inclement aggressive weather" -- and we were sad, because we got up at 4:00am to get a good spot.

The parade was alright, though (if I was somebody else I would say it was great, but parades aren't really my thing). I had fun with Ann and her family, and it was good to get out and do something different.

Jenny and Ann blowing bubbles before the parade starts.

Bubbles and cute nieces.

This cookie? Amazing.

tradition...

Summer is not summer for me if it lacks a visit to Manti for the Mormon Miracle Pageant. It's like a mini road trip, and it's one I look forward to every year.

Last weekend, I went with Ann Girl and Adam. Needless to say, it was an adventure, as things always are with those two. After the long drive (which seems to grow shorter every year), we grabbed our treat that we never go to Manti without getting: piping hot, sugary sweet, honey butter drenched scones topped with loads of powdered sugar. So much powdered sugar, in fact, that I couldn't help but blow most of Adam's into his face. But only after he started it.

I think I finished that fight, though.

Scones, hamburgers off the grill, homemade root beer in pretty glass bottles -- quite the nice little picnic under our baby tree, which provided just enough shade for the three of us.

And then the pageant! Yes -- it's still cheesy. Yes -- they really should update that script. And yes -- I cried, just like every year.

It makes me feel something, you know? It reminds me of things I've forgotten, of things that are important to me that I overlook during the day-to-day struggles and adventures of life. That's one of the reasons why I go: I want to be reminded.

I love this temple.

And I love these people!

festival? carnival? fair?

I'm not really sure what the Pleasant Grove Strawberry Days is classified as. It's not exactly a festival. It's too big for a carnival. And it has a rodeo, so maybe it's a fair? Because the state fairs here in the west always have rodeo events.

Yep. I think it's a fair.

Whatever af-fair (ha) it is, it's brilliant. I think I might like it more than I like as much as I like the Orem Summerfest, actually.

Or maybe it's because I went with Ann Girl. That's probably it.

Biggest. Corn dog. Ever. And it was delicious.

It's a little dark, but if you look closely, you can see the butterfly. Oh, and it's just henna.

Love her. Love Strawberry Days!

where we belong...

A couple of weeks ago, it was my Ann Girl's birthday! In honor of the day, we took a trip to the local zoo and partied it up with our animal friends.

Here we are, Ann, myself, and Adam, just chillin' with the elephants.

Monkey-in' around.

This is how we usually look. And that seal was a great bench.

Beautiful creatures.

Oh. My. Gosh.

See? There is a POLAR BEAR RIGHT. THERE.

Also a polar bear made out of Legos. I see what you did there, Coca-Cola.

Animal yoga, partner style.

Or - ANN - gutan!

And these are two of the many reasons why he is my best friend.

We're cute.