Christmas soup...

This afternoon, my sisters and I went to Olive Garden after seeing Ballet West's production of "The Nutcracker". On our way out, I saw a man in an old coat and jeans standing a few feet from the door. For some reason I couldn't help but look at him, and when our eyes met, he hurriedly turned away. His whole body read shame and cold and sorrow.

Without thinking, I ran to the door. I had no money, but I did have a bowl of hot, steaming soup; the untouched all-you-can-eat serving I was too full to even start. I called to the man, who didn't answer. I called again, "Sir! Here. This is for you."

The look on his face was one of utter amazement -- his eyes brightened, and the shame and sadness I had seen disappeared. As he took the soup, he cried "You've got to be kidding me! This is for me?" I told him again that yes, it was for him, and was happy to see him accept it.

Technically, I broke the law -- I don't have a permit to hand out food to someone who is homeless or panhandling. But when I saw that man's face, and saw how he could barely look at me, I absolutely couldn't walk away from him, not when I had something hot and delicious to share. Utah's laws didn't even cross my mind -- only a higher law, that of feeding the hungry and lifting those whose hands hang down, made sense to me. Seeing the change in the man's eyes, and watching as he cupped that simple bowl of soup in his hands -- wow. What I wouldn't give to be able to do that for someone every single day of my life. ‪#‎sharetheGift‬

feelin' 22...

Yup. The big double two -- and let me tell you, it was a good birthday MONTH in January, not just day. I finally got my dream party:

Birthday bowling...

in semi-formal attire!

My lovely ginger girls, Ann and Tatijanna

Friends! Kayla, Ben, Adam, Ben, and Chelsie

More friends! Jason, Tatijanna, Tony, A.J., and Ryan

Even MORE friends! Tyler, Bryan, Laura, Ben, and Jerry

This photo sums up our entire friendship

My Kayla girl -- here's to five years of friendship!

Our manly men -- Adam, Kevin (check out his tux!), Tanner, and Bryan

And because I wanted mashed potatoes, they took me to Chili's -- Ryan, Tony, Tatijanna, Ann, Adam, A.J., Bryan, and Tanner --
not pictured are Laura, Princess, and Jason

In short, it was an excellent birthday. I was so surprised to see that many people come and be all dressed up. It was so much fun. 

Oh, and I almost forgot. Here's the best part:

Birthday flash mob in a bowling alley -- what could be better? I'm super lucky.

overwhelmed...

Wednesday was like almost any other Wednesday. Except for one thing: while I was attempting to butter some French bread, I found myself slumped against the counter with no recollection of the few seconds before I fell.

The pain has been bad this week.

Thursday was much like Wednesday, minus the French bread and the passing out. The physical and emotional pain peaked. I was scared, angry, tired, and alone -- alone in the sense that I was stuck in my body and mind, and trying to get out was too exhausting.

And then, I was asked out on a date. Not just any normal run-of-the-mill homework date, which has become the standard due to our heavy workloads, but a real one. Where he called me up and issued a formal invitation; I put on a skirt, blouse, and heels, and he wore slacks with a tie; he picked me up at 7:30; I wasn't allowed to open any doors at all (usually he opens the car door for me to get inside, and I let myself out because I'm silly that way); he took me to Mimi's Cafe; and we talked for hours. And not just all of that-- he came to my door in my favorite green shirt and the jacket I got him for his birthday, holding a white rose tinged with brilliant red, a box of all dark chocolates, and strawberries with chocolate syrup for later on (our new favorite treat because we can't afford real chocolate covered strawberries, nor do we have time to make them).

A day later, I still can't entirely comprehend it all. That someone would go so out of his way for me -- to get off work, to wear the clothes I like so much, to bring gifts that mean a lot to me, and to take me somewhere so nice -- even in the face of missing valuable homework time. Because he knew I was hurting, and that things had been hard. Because he wanted to make me smile.

What's even more amazing to me is that this isn't the first time this has happened.

It's overwhelming in the best way.

little things that make me smile...

There are certain things in life that I cannot keep from smiling about. To some they may seem like silly things. To me, they mean the world.

Like...

...making friends with a brown squirrel on the walk across campus

...signing up for music lessons because I can

...seeing little Teddy run up to me when I get home and snuggle as close to me as he can (he does that to no one else)

...hearing birds singing in the morning sunshine

...watching a butterfly skim the grass on colorful wings

...feeling Adam run his fingers through my hair (I don't know why I love that so much)

...looking outside and seeing the little ones playing in the backyard or snuggling up close in their kennel

...sitting on the kitchen floor under the light of the stove drowning Oreos in milk (because that is the closest I will ever come to murder)

...snuggling down in warm covers, pillows, and teddy bears after a long day at school and work

...hugging daddy

...receiving kisses and cuddles from Misty and Molly when I visit my parents' house

...driving with the windows down and the music turned up

...walking through grocery stores for fun

...getting a soft kiss on the forehead

...eating a big bowl of freshly baked brownies with vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup on top with my special spoon

...being held close enough and long enough to hear heartbeats synchronizing

...talking to a long time friend and realizing how much you can learn about a person by listening, even after years of conversations

...drinking a cup of horchata in the spring, a glass of strawberry lemonade in the summer, a tumbler of herbal tea in the fall, a mug of        cinnamon hot chocolate in the winter

...laughing until your cheeks hurt and your sides ache from the giggles

...climbing a tree barefoot

...playing on the kids' jungle gym at the complex park even though you're a grown-up and your boyfriend barely fits on the swings

...gazing at the stars - or the clouds - or the clear blue sky

...opening a package, a parcel, a letter, addressed to you

...baking cookies late at night with someone you love

...cooking dinner for more than one person

...washing dishes in such a way that it becomes an all-out water war (but don't get it on the carpet)

...kissing good-night, soft and sweet and promising tomorrow

waiting...

As some of you know, I haven't had the best health for the past two years or so. For a few months, I was improving, and I was excited to get back into "normal" life. However, things have taken a bit of a turn and are gradually worsening.

I admit that frustration and hopelessness start setting in at times. I haven't missed so much school since I was a sophomore in high school. I've never had this many sick days at work (thank heavens my supervisor is understanding and offers his help wherever he can). While I've always been aware of financial difficulties, I've never before felt so pinched. And I've never, ever felt so tired, never. Not only that, but my dad's getting worse as well -- though he won't admit it.

Is it ironic to anyone else that now, at possibly one of the hardest times in my life, I'm happier than I've ever been? Listing out the worries on my mind somehow brings a smile to my face. Yes, I'm physically uncomfortable most of the time, and I worry about losing my dad, but inside, I feel at peace. Every time I start worrying and the concerns press on my mind, I'm able to sit back and think about how good my life really is.

For example. Though I've missed a lot of school, I'm keeping up and am still getting good grades. My work supervisor is incredibly helpful. Money is a serious concern, but it keeps working out every time I really need something. I'm sleeping more frequently than I have in years. And dad is still here, and always happy to spend time with me.

After the third doctor's appointment this month, they finally decided that it's time to start looking for the problem, rather than treating the symptoms. I'll get the test results in a few days -- I'm hoping things will be okay. And they will be -- everything has been working out so far. I don't see why it won't continue to do so.

Waiting, waiting, waiting. For so many things -- although, the wait time for me and Adam continually shortens. So excited.

in my language...

People have different ways of feeling loved and appreciated. My mom feels loved when someone listens to her. My dad feels loved when someone spends time with him. One of my friends responds well to physical affection. Another friend likes doing activities. While those are not the only ways that they feel loved, those are the primary things that help them know they are cared for. There are a lot of ways that I know people care, but the main thing for me is tokens of affection. Receiving a small gift or a note or a person doing something nice for me is the easiest way for me to recognize that someone cares. Tokens can be anything, really. They can be a note, or a call record that I can look at on a future day, or a leaf from a walk with a friend, or anything really.

Today has seen an outpouring of love in a language that I respond well to. It actually started last night. It's meant so much to me, and I'm so very grateful for the people who took the time to show me that they're aware of me.

1. A letter from Jordan
2. A voice message from Brianna that I saved on my phone
3. Chocolates and lotion from my landlord's little boy because he wanted to say thank you to me for taking care of his dog
4. A text message from Sierra that I was able to save and read again later
5. A CD of LDC music from Ann
6. Dad stopping by my house while I was at work and getting some cleaning done for me before my landlords arrived
7. A loaf of bread left on my porch with a pretty ribbon that had a special message for me -- I don't know who it's from, but I'm grateful to them
8. A note on my Facebook page from Alyssa

Even though it's been a hard day, I've felt loved. I have all of these little reminders that I can hold and look at and experience again. So to my friends and family, thank you.

"you weren't alone for long..."

Every once in awhile one of my primary students will say something that leaves me speechless. Sometimes I'm amazed at the sincerity of what they're saying, and the absolute truth in it. I often find myself so grateful for their insights. Many times I wish I could go back to that time, when the world was untainted by the worries and cares I have now, before trust was broken and fear set in.

My class has four students -- three boys, one girl. Sophie is a precocious, talkative, practical little thing. She always has something to say, and she knows many of the scripture stories as well as or better than I do. She also has a very clear picture of life and love. Sometimes the things she says shock me, not in a bad way but in a surprised and "wow, you're seven and you just totally blew my mind" kind of way. For example:

During our lesson today (love one another), I told a story about a time when someone did me a kindness and reminded me that even though I felt alone, the Lord was still aware of me. Sophie raised her hand and said she had something to share. I don't remember the exact words, but it went something like this:

"Even when you feel alone, you're really not. Like the time when my mom accidentally left me at the library. I was so scared and I cried and cried and cried, but then I remembered all of the other times I'd been lost. Any time I'd been lost before, I hadn't been lost for long. My mom always came and found me -- it might have been five minutes, or two, or even just thirty seconds -- but she always found me again. And it's okay to cry, because that happens when you're alone and lost and scared, but just because you feel that way doesn't mean that you're not loved. You're never lost for long. When you feel like that, you can remember the times you felt sad or scared before and how it wasn't forever. You weren't alone for long. Because someone will always come and find you."

It's not often that the words of a seven year old can leave me speechless and near tears -- it was one of those little miracle moments that come around when you least expect them, and when you need them the most.

promptings...

I woke up today in a bit of a fog. Three nights in a row of bad dreams (most of which involve my friends getting killed in car accidents, being shot, intentionally overdosing, or myself being tortured) left me exhausted and full of undesirable thoughts.

With the after-dream mind-set, I began to get ready for the day. I pulled jeans and a t-shirt out of the closet, but immediately felt that my choice of attire was wrong. After arguing with myself and providing a long list of excuses, I gave in and selected a skirt and blouse. I was going to the temple today.

This afternoon was the first time I've attended the temple since Christmas. It had been a long time because of school, and then my recommend expired and I didn't notice until last month. I got it renewed on Sunday, and the man who interviewed me ended our meeting with these parting words: "Please use it often." I'm the type of girl who does what I'm told, especially if there's a slight second urging.

Just as I arrived, I got a text from my dad. All it said was "We got in a car accident. Call me please."

Seriously? Seriously. When it rains, it pours until you feel like you're drowning. But as I started to head back to my car, I stopped and called my dad. He told me that everyone was fine -- mom had some bad whiplash and the car had two scratches in the paint with a dent in the fender (Hondas are miniature tanks, I swear),, but other than that they were totally fine. Dad then told me to not come home, and to go to the temple as I had planned.

Again, I did as I was told. I was frustrated to see that it was very busy, and at first I was annoyed with myself because I forgot it's Wednesday today. Mutual night. Everyone goes to the baptistery on Wednesdays. But as I got ready and sat down in line, I found that I was glad to wait.

It was good to think and feel good inside -- it was the first time in several weeks that I haven't felt badgered by unhappy thoughts and feelings. It was definitely an hour and a half well spent -- I didn't want to leave.

Leave I did, and I was left to think more about what I had learned. But I was also faced with the irritating thoughts and feelings that I've been fighting a lot lately -- around and around they circled in my head. Dad's cancer. Callie's trauma. Work drama. Parker's difficulty. Financial things -- my own, my family's, and my friends'. My own shortcomings. Now the car wreck -- although that did turn out much better than it could have.

Slowly I started to sink back into this awful, dark sadness. I felt horribly guilty and sad and just bad in general. I didn't just need to talk to someone, I wanted to. But I was afraid to. My friends have their own problems, and my family doesn't know anything about what I've been thinking or feeling lately (or if they do, they're not saying anything -- I prefer it that way, actually). I didn't want to worry anyone, or bother anyone. Most of all, I didn't want to push anyone away.

A name came to mind, though. Call him, a little voice said in my head. Um...I don't think so, I replied. Do it, came the response. I thought about it, then asked, You sure? There was no verbal answer, but a warm feeling came over me and I knew it would be okay.

Until there was no answer. Then I felt dumb. I put it off to my imagination, and was relieved when my dad called me a few seconds later. And then my phone beeped while I was talking to him, and it beeped a second time when mom took her turn talking with me.

Two voice mails from the same person -- he'd called me back. Twice. 

So...you were right. Sorry about that, as I dialed the number again.

An hour and a half later, I felt free. I told him the truth about the past couple of months. I told him that what I'd said, about life being great and happy and fantastic wasn't completely true. He wasn't bothered. He wasn't angry. He wasn't even very disappointed in me. He just listened. He reminded me (quite firmly) that I'm not going to do any of this alone, that I'm not even supposed to do things alone. I still felt scared, and I still felt a little silly, but I didn't feel as scared or as silly as I had before. 

I'm glad I listened. I'm glad I obeyed.

Follow the promptings you have. If you get a notion to do something good, be it for you or for someone else, do it. Because in the end, you'll probably help both parties in ways you never imagined.  

life is still good...

I've noticed lately that the things I've been writing about have been

a) sad
b) depressing
c) negative
d) all of the above

If you circled "d" then you would be most correct.

After debating whether or not I should apologize, I realized that apologizing would be a little silly. Why apologize for being sincere about how you feel?

However, I do recognize that not all of life is as bad as it may seem. That and I'm trying to keep myself from being extremely irritated and frustrated with people. Short plug for being considerate: just do it. Please. Think about what you're doing and how it effects (affects?) others before you do it. Don't cut in line, rinse your dishes, stop at stop signs, say thank you, pull your weight as much as you can before letting someone do for you what you can do for yourself. Thanks.

Mini rant over. On to the next.

Last night I did something fun on a Friday night for the first time in awhile. I had planned to go to the gym after work, then make dinner, scrub the kitchen, clean my bathroom, read my book, and go to bed around 11:30. My plans totally changed when Linnea asked if I wanted to watch the last two episodes of Sherlock, season 2. How could I possibly say no?

We made a delicious dinner of chicken Parmesan wraps (Pinterest wins again) and cold watermelon, followed by kettle corn (yes -- I did eat a bag and a half by myself) and Snickerdoodles. Sherlock was delightful -- I was absolutely terrified during "The Hound of Baskervilles." I screamed at least four times. "The Reichenbach Fall" wasn't frightening, but it was very fun to be able to follow Sherlock's line of evidence. I was right with him every step of the case. Until, you know, Moriarty pulled that one stunt at the end (I may have screamed then, too).

A late night drive with Kala rounded up the festivities at about 2am. I took her with me when I dropped Linnea off at her home. Kala doesn't get out much, and she likes to go for rides in the car (and I was also glad to have her along to help me not imagine giant black hounds with red eyes tearing out of the bushes around the complex when I got back home).

Today was a good day, too. I woke up feeling very sad again, so I got dressed and went to work on the house. Bathroom scrubbed, kitchen counters and cabinets wiped down, floors swept and mopped, dishes done, laundry started, room straightened, meals prepped, stove top washed -- all in an hour and fifteen minutes. By then I realized I was hungry (that happens a lot now). Wash spinach and drain, rinse strawberries and slice, shred chicken, chop nuts, pour poppy seed dressing, toss together -- salad for eating! Let's just say it was delicious and I might make another tomorrow.

Work with Alyssa and Hannah was a blast. We got almost everything on Tracy's list completed (and mind you, there were about 20 items to do), accidentally ripped up the puzzle piece flooring with the weight of our candy laden carts, climbed up and down ladders hanging hats from the ceiling and stowing boxes of candy on shelves (each box weighs nearly 40 pounds -- carrying 20 of those up a ladder is quite the workout), and just worked hard in general. It's always great to have things to do during a shift, rather than standing around waiting for customers to come in and need help.

Hannah asked if she could come to my house after the shift was over. We ate cold watermelon and made chocolate milk with the Hershey's syrup I keep stowed away in the fridge. Kala kept us entertained with her old lady antics (she lacks manners in some cases), until we finally were laughing so hard we couldn't breath. Pretty soon we got to talking about how she's been doing lately, and then she started asking me questions about Garrett. Half an hour later I'd told her a lot of things I've been keeping back, and I felt badly that I'd spent so much time talking about myself. But she said something that made me feel really happy inside. She smiled and said, "I don't mind. I like to listen. It means that you trust me."

I do trust her. I trust her, and Alyssa, and Linnea -- they're coworkers, yes, but more importantly, they're my friends. We have fun, we have hard times, and we're there for each other when we need each other. And even if we don't need each other, we're there when we want company.

Things are okay. Life is still good. It's hard, and I'm still sad a lot and don't know why, but life is good. Walking through the parking lot tonight in the cool evening air, the night breeze sweet and fresh, the flowers curling into sleep, the stars peeking through the clouds, all I could think about was how good it feels to be alive.

"Remember today, little brother. Today, life is good." -Boromir, LOTR

...

"Whatever it is that's wrong, I promise it'll get better." 

via Q

1 hour, 38 minutes, and 41 seconds...

dear Friend,

I don't know how you can get me to spill secrets and dreams and worries that I never, ever planned on expressing to anyone or anything but my dog and the walls of my bedroom. I don't know how you can tell from the initial "hello" that something is wrong, how in 1 minute or less you understand I'm holding things back.

Somehow you always have time to listen. Despite your busy life, you make time for me -- me, of all people you could make time for. You never judge me, you never put me down, you never disregard my thoughts and feelings. Somehow you always have advice and words of comfort. And no matter what, you're there for me.

During and after such conversations, I often marvel at the fact that you're still here in my life. Even though you know about my issues -- and you truly do know more than almost anyone else in my world -- you're still here. I don't know if I can express my gratitude adequately. You're still here -- even though you see my dark side.

I don't know how you do it. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. You're remarkable. Truly.

And, just for the record, I've decided...well...you really must be a super hero.

all my love,
GKB

baby, you've got this...

It's been an interesting Friday-Saturday transition. Yesterday and last night were a bit stressful, but super great. Good friends, good food, good amount of productivity, and good results from said productivity.

Around 3:30 am I woke up with the most awful, awful pain inside that I have ever felt in my life. I haven't cried because of pain for a long time. It was scary to feel so absolutely helpless; I couldn't walk, could barely move! Nothing's wrong according to the medical definition of wrong though, so don't worry.

This morning the pain had mostly faded to a constant, dull throbbing, like when you pull a muscle in your shoulder or neck. It's not too bad, so long as you don't move too fast. So I got up, skipped breakfast because looking at mom's toast made me feel nauseous, grabbed two sharpened pencils, three pieces of paper, my ID card, and prayed that I'd make it through the Stats final without passing out/throwing up.

It sounds dramatic. It kind of was. Meh.

At 11:15 am, the most dreaded exam of my life began. The hall itself was terrifying: that room could probably fit close to (or more than) 600 people. Now I know why people dread having American Heritage in JSB 140 -- you almost get swallowed up in the hugeness of it. Fewer people attended my high school football games!

Luckily it was quieter than a high school football game, and I was happy to find a seat on the end of a row. Immediately I tried to figure out a strategy to not drop all of my stuff (exam packet, bubble sheet, scratch paper, calculator, and pencils) because there truly was no place to put it. The auditorium desks are about two inches longer than an 8.5 x 11 inch piece of paper and maybe an inch wider. Not the best desk to take any sort of exam on. Strategy finalized (haha), I sat down to take the odious Departmental Statistics final.

But I didn't dread it so much after I finished the first page and realized there was no way I could have missed any of those questions. Despite the awkward, abyss-like feeling of the auditorium, the constant whispering shuffle of hundreds of exam papers, the cramped confines of my paper size desk, the dull pain in my body, and the ache in my head from a sleepless night, I knew that stuff. At 12:30 pm I walked out of the auditorium, trying to be afraid of my score, but I just knew I'd done better than what I was hoping for (a C). And guess what?

I ACED that sucker.
90%, my friends. Nine-zero, a straight up A- on the exam I have heard nothing but horror stories about. I could barely (still can barely) fathom the fact that I didn't fail that final. When I saw my ID number next to the 90%, I actually started laughing. The girl who'd scanned in my test smiled and said, "It's a good feeling, isn't it?"

It is indeed a good feeling. So is going home and sleeping from 1 pm to 5 pm without waking up once.

2 finals down, 2 to go. After that, three days in St. George with two of my favorite girls in the world. Bring on English and Humanities!

PS Prayer WORKS, people. If you've done all you can do, and worked as hard as you can despite your limitations, the Lord WILL help you. Give him a shot. He'll give you a miracle.

amazing...

I've been thinking about the meanings of words. Words, written or spoken, are how we communicate. But do we really know what the words we say mean? I think that sometimes the things that we say are exaggerated or even overused. Take the word love. How often do you hear that every day? And, in all of those times it's used, how often is it used correctly? The frequent and inaccurate use of the word love, in a way, cheapens it.

The word "amaze" is another that comes to mind. The dictionary defines it as

to overwhelm with surprise or sudden wonder; astonish greatly
I use this word too much. I use it to describe foods, performances, movies, events, even people -- and sometimes those things aren't very amazing. I exaggerate the description of the whatever I've experienced or seen to fit the definition of amaze; I use it for the wrong things. They're still great things, and far from average, but they don't astonish or overwhelm me.

Some things, though, really do amaze me. Some people amaze me (for bad and for good reasons). For example, I was amazed by the amount of dishes that were in the sink when I got home, so amazed that I stopped dead in the doorway and almost cried. It sounds like a stupid thing to cry over, but because the other person in the family who helps me try to keep up with the house gone for the week, it now has all fallen to me. I truly was overwhelmed and shocked.

If you're wondering if I did the dishes, no. I haven't yet. Bad person. :P
So that's an example of a bad thing that amazed me. Here's a good example:

Last night at a friend's bridal shower, I stayed after most people had left to help clean up (and to make a general nuisance of myself because I'm pretty sure I ended up more in the way than being productive). Everything was close to finished, and the hostess's husband brought pizza home for his family. I was the only one left there who wasn't related to someone in the room, so I felt awkward about taking any food. When my friend offered some to me, I said no because I wasn't family.

What she said has stuck with me all day long. She looked at me and said, "Well, you're my family."

That really and truly amazed me. It still does. I was so suprised, and it made me feel so...just good inside.

Words are important. The casual use of words seems almost cheap to me. If we only ever use words to express what they really mean, we will have more meaning -- so much more.

brilliance...

I could analyze this video for a very long time. But I won't.

Just enjoy it.


Genius. The angle and the argument and the rhetoric...shut me up now.

But seriously. I could (might) totally write a paper on this.

little reminders...

I've been feeling very lonely lately. It's been so, so hard to leave LDC. I can't tell you how many times I've dreamed that I've been back in the choir. It always starts out just like it used to be, all of my dear friends there yelling across the room to one another, laughing and giving Mike fits trying to get them to calm down. And then they start to sing, and I don't know any of the songs. I don't know the notes or the words. Brother Eggett ends up kicking me out, telling me not to come back.

I can't tell you how many times I've cried myself to sleep this semester, if I've even slept at all. The transition hasn't been terribly difficult, but difficult enough that it isn't easy.

Tonight I was feeling sorry for myself, stressing out about my Statistics exam tomorrow and a paper that's due, and wishing with all my heart that somebody would think of me. I was feeling alone and forgotten, because so many times I've tried to keep in touch with people and have received no reply.

I was frustrated and feeling downright left behind, even though I was aware of the people who I do have in my life. So then I started to feel bad because I'm a selfish brat. Then I started to think of ways I could continue to let people know I care about them...and then I realized that I don't have a lot of time to do that anymore, and the things I have done lately have always ended with silence from the other end.

Then, out of the blue, one of the LDC boys, Jeff, sent me a text inviting me to his birthday party. He said it wouldn't be a big deal, just a few friends hanging out at his place. For me, though, it was a huge deal. He probably will never know how much I appreciated it. I literally dumped my homework on the floor, got re-dressed, and rushed out the door without putting on any make-up whatsoever because I was so excited. It was only an hour, but seeing a few of those dear people was absolutely wonderful. And hugs! So many hugs.

A couple of hours later, I received another text message from an LDC girl, Allie, who I love with all my heart. I read the message and felt two things: heartbreak that I can't be in the choir anymore and complete gratitude that she had thought of me. She probably has no idea how much that means to me right now, for someone to think of me. It's amazing how something as simple as a kind word can help you to find the courage to keep moving forward.

To you two wonderful people: thank you. You were both answers to prayer.

I miss you so much.

what starts like a scary tale...

Nobody wants to be stuck in bed on their birthday. At least nobody that I know. Perhaps I cursed myself when I posted that I was soon to be a nobody due to the whole no longer a teen, not quite an adult line I included. And since I'm a nobody, that sentence can now be read as "Nobody WANTS to be stuck in bed on her birthday!!"

What was wrong? Oh, you know. The usual. There's been no progress whatsoever, and let me tell ya, the pain has been wonderful. If you don't catch my over-the-Internet sarcasm, I'll point it out to you. That was very sarcastic. So the day started out with me, my dogs, and my laptop in my bed as I studied and tried to keep up with all of the birthday wishes on my Facebook page. I got online and saw how many notifications I had and my first thought was, "What the crap? It's like it's my birthda...oh. Right." My phone was off the hook all day, too. That also made me feel really special.

Those birthday wishes made a huge difference in my day. It was SO. GREAT. to see how many people took the time to say hello. It made me feel a lot better, and it wasn't quite so lonely down there in my room writing essays. Then my visiting teacher brought over a giant rice crispy treat covered in chocolate frosting with sprinkles and a candle. Also made me feel super good, because she took the time to make me a birthday treat. And THEN Ann came over with Iron Man. Never seen it before...want to see it again. Brianna, get your homework done! :)

And then after that? Cafe Rio birthday dinner with Ann and the fam while we watched Silverado. I've been wanting to do that since I first saw the movie last year (I resisted it strongly whenever my family would watch it because I hate Westerns and they usually give me nightmares...but I can watch Iron Man no problem? I think I've grown up a little...). It was so great! I think I like Emmett the best of the four leading men. Jake drives me crazy. He is so very ADHD that he makes me nervous. Mal is awesome too, and Paden is a sweetheart, but something about Emmett just gets me. He's definitely someone I'd want on my side. All of them are, really. Jake just needs to stay at a safe distance from me until the shooting starts. Then he can come play.

And then? The Raddatzes came over to sing to me!! It was so great to see all of the kids again, and to see Brother and Sister Raddatz. They brought me a giant, and I mean GIANT birthday cake shaped like a cupcake. It was huge. I was so excited that I forgot to take a picture of it; I started slicing it and handing it out to people before I got my camera. Oops. It is a very, very good cake. I'm excited to have more today, haha! And they gave me a beautiful set of pearl bracelets. That meant so much to me; pearls have a lot of meaning between us. And I got to get hugs from Amy and Mandy and Makay, and I got to talk to Jason and Morgan for a little while, and Kyle gave me a big hug, and Brother and Sister Raddatz gave me hugs and talked to me for awhile and I just love them.

So. What started like a scary tale ended like a fairytale, and life couldn't possibly better be! Now I'm going to take more meds and go to class. Ciao!

you had my heart and soul...

This is fantastic. All of their work is incredible, but this is stunning.