...

"Whatever it is that's wrong, I promise it'll get better." 

via Q

family matters...

I am going on record by stating this goal for my life: that when I have a family of my own, I will never yell at my spouse or children, unless it is to warn them of danger -- like if one of the kids runs out into the road and I need to stop them, or if a tree is going to fall on them (it happens -- my dad has been hit by trees twice). All other circumstances will be handled without any kind of yelling, screaming, swearing, belittling, guilt tripping, or any other such displays of loud, unkind anger. I will not be the cause for contention and fear in my home.

I know I'm not going to be a perfect wife or parent, but by golly, I will do whatever it takes to not scare or hurt my family. I want my spouse and kids to feel safe, loved, and treasured. If I've learned anything in my 20 years at home, it's that family members should be treated with respect, kindness, and love -- family members are not punching bags for you to verbally abuse because you are frustrated or upset. It is not and never will be okay. And so I promise now, today, forever, to do my best to be a peacemaker, to be understanding and kind -- not to be permissive -- but gently firm.

alone...

This is going to sound really, really ridiculous but...

I feel forgotten.
Not by everyone. But by a lot of friends who I care deeply about and who told me they'd be there for me and they haven't been. Which is stupid because I should just be grateful for the people who are consistently there. All the same, I feel somewhat abandoned.

It's very, very hard to keep in touch with people who never reply.

It's very, very hard to be the one who makes the attempt to say hello or plan something, especially when that attempt is rejected, seen as insincere, or blown off because someone didn't think I was serious. Or when someone said they would come and then forgot or scheduled something else.

It's very hard to realize that people might not care about you as much as you care about them.

It's very hard to wake up every day knowing that somewhere your friends are together and you're alone.

It's very hard to be shut down every time you try to do something nice for someone, be it a family member, a friend, or even a stranger.

It's very hard to be the one people tell all of their struggles to when you personally have no one to go to. Why no one to go to? Because they already told you the hard things going on in their lives. You can't add to it -- that would be unkind.

It's very hard to put on a happy face in front of your best friends and your family so that they don't worry about you. After all, it's easier to smile than explain why you feel the way that you do. Especially when the way that you feel stems from selfishness.

All of this is selfishness. And I don't know how to change it. I'm reading books, I'm taking classes, I'm doing the best I know how to become a better person. I'm praying and begging God to help me change, to expect less or even nothing from others, to rely on myself and His guidance for happiness.

It's just really hard to be happy when you feel so very alone. And it's really hard to be happy when you know you have a problem that you don't know how to change.