breaking...

Really.

It's the only word I can use to describe the way my life appears right now.

Nothing is working out. No matter where I turn or what I attempt, things fall apart. Often it's not my fault.

Like the fact that the IRS doesn't recognize my social security/address combination, and so there is now an issue with my financial aid. It clearly states my address and social security number on my tax return -- figure it out, government. Oh, wait -- that's too much to ask, isn't it?

Like the fact that I suddenly went from registered for ECON 110 to being 106th on the wait list and I'm a SENIOR.

Like the fact that I have to take ECON 110 at all.

Like the fact that I'm completely alone at home this week because my room mate is out of town in Disneyland, on a vacation that I thought I was going on as well. I'm still not sure why he broke up with me. At least I didn't buy a plane ticket.

Like the fact that my presentation partner flaked out on me and I ended up doing almost all of the work. NEVER have I had such awful groups, EVER, like I have here at BYU. Seriously, I have never had a good group at this college. Of all places -- where we profess to be hardworking and honest and dependable. Guess it's one of those things that's easy to say, right?

Like the fact that my dad is getting sicker, and his company still makes him travel. HELLO. HE HAS CANCER. If you're reading this, dad's employer, I am NOT happy with you. Yeah. My dad's cancer is terminal. He's DYING. And you -- for the sake of the all-mighty dollar -- are making it worse.

Like the fact that my dad really is dying. How fast or how slow, I have no idea. Having that hanging over me all of the time is absolutely horrific.

Like the fact that my ex-fiance treats me like a girlfriend -- that, though, I have more control over. And let me tell you -- that will stop. So help me, it's going to stop.

Like the fact that no matter how well I eat, or how much I exercise, I'm still gaining weight.

Like the fact that no matter how often I pray, or count my blessings, or do nice things for other people, I cannot shake the anxiety and fear that threaten to envelop me every day.

Wow.

What a rant of negativity. Sorry about that -- I feel better though.

low...

I have not felt this horrible in years.

Not knowing what to do, not knowing what to say, not knowing where to turn -- not knowing -- I hate not knowing.

I feel lost.

Adrift in the dark with nothing but pain for company.

So this is heartbreak. This is real, true, hopeless heartbreak. It's nothing I've ever felt before, not even when I've been hurt in the past. This -- whatever this is -- this. Is unbearable.

I need a nap.

i haven't been this tired since...

Yesterday.

Good grief.

You know, there are a lot things I can get used to. I can (and have) gotten used to headaches. I manage them -- even when my head really hurts, I push it aside as much as I can. I'm pretty used to nausea and dizziness at this point, too. I can manage it. I deal. No worries.

But man. I don't know if I'll ever get used to being tired. You'd think that overcoming that would be the easiest. No way, Jose. I keep going because I have to, but my mind is so foggy and everything takes longer than it should.

Can't think.

It's just been a struggle this week. A good week, because a lot of good things have happened at school and work. But a struggle, too. My whole body drags, and my mind isn't far behind. Sometimes, I have to sleep, instead of getting things done.

Crazy how exhausting school is.

trying so hard...

Two of my least favorite feelings are

1. the feeling of being let down
2. the feeling that I'll never measure up

I'm trying hard not to feel either of those things.

Not an easy thing when it's 12:30am (so late, I know) and you're aware of how alone (as in physical relation to someone else) you are.

finally Friday...

This has been one of the hardest weeks I've had in a very long time.

It hasn't even been school that's been the biggest stress (until this morning). It's just going to classes, going to work between classes, and doing homework. Same old, same old. Sure, it's not easy, and it's hard to read textbooks when your head hurts and your vision blurs, but you know? There are worse things than school. Much worse things.

Being stressed like this is no good. I keep trying to relax and focus on the good things. Every time I turn around, though, it seems that something goes wrong. I keep being put in positions where I must stand up for what I believe, and then am faced with the consequences for my actions -- friends being hurt and angry, being embarrassed in front of classmates and coworkers, feelings of guilt and insecurity -- each time I do the right thing, I end up being the bad guy.

Not always, I'll admit. The people who really matter haven't been upset with me so far. In fact, they've told me multiple times that I did the right thing, and that I have their complete trust. Others I'm not sure of, because at this point I don't know what their reaction to my decisions have been. I wasn't there to see the reaction. I just did what I thought was right. And it was so hard. Let me tell you, it was so hard.

Get through one more day. At five o'clock, the week is over. I'm going shopping, and I'm doing chores, and I'm going to bed early. Why? Because I can! And because I want to. After all...I'm the girl who looks forward to mopping her kitchen floor every week. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it goes along with what a new coworker told me yesterday at the Writing Center. She commented that I was a nice person, and I asked her how she could tell. "Dude -- you held hands for the first time this summer, you're wearing lavender nail polish, you smile at everyone, and you don't want to kiss anyone unless it really, really means something. Those are nice people things. Especially the lavender nail polish. You should wear it all the time."

I don't know if she was being serious or if she was making fun of me a little bit, but I like to think she was serious. I'm sure if she knew that I like to mop floors she'd add that to the list of reasons why I'm easily recognized as a nice person. As for the lavender nail polish, well. I like it. I think it's pretty. But...I think I'll try baby pink next. Just to shake things up. Because, you know, baby pink is so rocking it creates earthquakes -- didn't you know that?

opposites...

What the heck, people? What the heck?

I really, really don't like feeling like this. It's almost worse than it ever has been, not because I'm as low as I used to be, but because I now have something to compare it to. Two years ago, happiness was something that I didn't get to experience. Then it gradually entered my life, little by little, experience after experience.

There were still sad times -- but not like this. It hasn't been like this in a long time. Not this constant, nagging, irritating sadness that sucks the energy right out of me and leaves me staring at the walls wondering. I used to be able to force it back, to change it from bad to good, to change the way I was thinking until I didn't feel sad anymore. I could focus on the good things and feel genuinely happy.

Now it's back to the nonstop badgering in the back of my head, pushing through the barriers in my mind and breaking down the methods of thought I've been trying to learn. It's almost like an obsession, thoughts that keep forming and creeping their way to the forefront of my mind, compulsive and unbidden. It's getting harder and harder to control.

I hate this. I don't understand it. I don't know how I can be so brimming with thoughts and emotions that I feel empty. It's as though I feel so much that I feel nothing. There's pain and paralysis. There's anger and apathy. There's confidence and confusion. Everything. Nothing. All at the same time.

How can you be full and empty at the same time? How can you feel so much and feel so little?

sides of me...

The me I've been is a happy me. She's still an introvert, but she reaches out and tries making friends. She learns new things and goes new places. She smiles, even when she's sad. She can focus on the task at hand, or the person talking, or the idea she's rolling around in her head. She reads and cooks and talks and laughs. She doesn't worry as much as before. She takes pictures and writes, goes adventuring and plays just as much as she works.

The me I'm becoming isn't a happy me. She's reverting to the sad, shy, quiet, lonely, afraid person of a year ago. She stays home because she doesn't want to go out, because she doesn't want people. She frowns more than she smiles. She gets sidetracked easily, choosing to spend time on the Internet, rather than exploring the world around her. She still reads and cooks, but the reading is out of habit and the cooking is out of necessity, not enjoyment. She talks a little, and laughs less. She worries a lot. She doesn't take pictures, and she has to force herself to write, living from bedtime to wake time to bedtime again.

I feel like I can't be the me I want to be anymore. I'm trapped in this "not me," uncomfortable, unsure, unwanted in my own head. Or not "not me," but an "other me." I don't like this other me that's resurfacing, this sad and sullen and negative me. I don't know how to get rid of her -- she keeps coming back, year after year after year. But how can you get rid of what you are?

Both girls are me. Both are insecure, but one is able to cope with it more than the other. Both like to be alone, but one is alone because it helps her be happy, while the other is alone because you can't get hurt if you're alone. Both want to love, but one does so willingly and the other holds back. Both live, but one lives well and the other survives.

While on Pinterest today, I read a saying which stated that in order to be the best you, you must first accept all the things about yourself -- the good and the bad. Strengths and weaknesses, virtues and vices; all parts of yourself need to be taken into consideration to be the best you.

I don't really want to accept the unhappy me. I just want her to go away and never come back -- it hurts to feel so down, and it's heavy and lonely and confusing. It isn't even rational -- but what I feel is hard to logic back into happiness. I know the things I'm feeling, but I don't know why. And all of the reasons I've come up with don't make sense. My life is good. It's better than good, to be honest -- it's great. Dad is doing well, Callie is doing better, I have great friends, my bills aren't a problem, my school is working out just fine, I have two good jobs, I'll have a room mate for sure in the fall, the room mate I have now is a doll, I have a good family, my car works, my body mostly works, I'm not starving -- I know all of these things, but I still feel so sad.

How do you accept what you are when you can't stand yourself? When you can't stand the way that you feel, and no matter how hard you pray and study and try every day to be grateful for the good in your life, you are constantly uncomfortable in your own skin, and even worse, your own mind?

overwhelmed...

Here's the rub:

I'm stressed, I'm scared, and I'm exhausted. I've eaten too many peanut M&M's, I've contributed nothing to my class study guide except reformatting sections (because let's face it -- some of them were a little scary), and I've scared my dogs because I keep bursting into tears. I have no idea how to study for this exam, I don't know what to expect (because my professor so kindly said that if he told us to prepare for multiple choice or essays or matching that the fun of the exam would be ruined), and I have a horrible feeling that I'm not going to be prepared no matter what I do.

In short, I despise English 251.

Mostly, though, I hate being alone.

have you ever...

...have you ever wanted someone to get mad at you? wanted someone to yell and scream at you until you started sobbing because maybe, just maybe, you'd have a reason to feel the way that you do?
...have you ever had a strange and ridiculous urge to be and do things you'd never be or do? like tell the person being rude that he is being a total jerk, or shout at someone to shut up, or be an absolute brat to someone who hurt your feelings so that they'd know how it feels? like go out and get drunk, or max out a credit card, or drop out of school for good, or get in trouble with the law?
...have you ever put down whatever you were holding out of fear that you might snap and throw it across the room?
...have you ever bit your tongue so hard to keep from speaking your mind that you actually hurt yourself?
...have you ever regretted something so much that the memory of it sends you spiraling into self disgust? so much regret that you want to stay away from all people?
...have you ever made a mistake but were too proud to admit it? made a mistake that really wasn't a big deal but it eats at you and makes your heart hurt?
...have you ever ached for someone, anyone, to hold you and just let you cry? to see past the "I'm fine" and the "everything's great!" and allow you to be honest for a little while?
...have you ever had someone see past the "I'm fine" and it scares you to death? makes you feel absolutely vulnerable and self-centered because your front slipped, the focus landed on you, and not on the other person?
...have you ever had conflicting, contradicting desires?
...have you ever felt so weighed down and so alone that you can barely face getting out of bed in the morning?
...have you ever been hit in the face with your smallness and insignificance?
...have you ever fought for something with all of your might, mind, and strength and lost it anyway? fought a quiet fight in your mind or your heart and are criticized because there is no obvious growth or change?
...have you ever realized how proud, selfish, ungrateful, and unkind you actually are? realized that so much of you is a mask put in place every morning to cover up what you're really like on the inside?
...have you ever tried letting go but worry that in the letting go, you'll lose a part of who you are?
...have you ever wished? prayed? hoped?
...have you ever kept a secret out of fear of a person's reaction to the knowledge or feeling you're holding back?
...have you ever needed to talk about something but kept it back because you were afraid of burdening someone with what you need to say?
...have you ever debated between going on and giving up?

stressed...

1. Finals
2. Finals...I cannot afford to fail my finals...finals
3. Stupid Religion project which I am going to fail because there is no way this seed is going to grow. It's the 7th one I've tried to get to grow over the course of the semester. I've done everything my professor told us to do. Still nothing. It's due on Wednesday. Nothing. Failing grade.
4. Bedroom = disaster
5. Money. Where does it all go?
6. Finals
7. Can't sleep. Almost ever. When I do sleep, it's just nightmares and tossing and turning, never resting.
8. Mom
9. Mom
10. Mom
11. Finals
12. How lonely I feel, and how guilty I feel that I haven't been able to keep in touch with others or help them as much as I wish I could
13. Ate too much...keep eating too much...checked the scale and saw weight gain...bad words in my head
14. Are you still mad at me? I wish you'd tell me, because I'm too afraid to ask you.
15. Dad's going out of town this week again, it's spring break for my sister, choir tour for my other sister, finals for me and mom...ugh. It's going to be a long week.
16. My family (mom's side of the family minus mom because she was sick and stayed home) spent a quarter of an hour after dinner tonight discussing how great I am and how well I represent the family. How good a student I am and how I'll be the first grandchild to graduate from college, how I'll be the first grandchild to go on a mission, how they guess I'll be the first to find a worthy young man to marry, how I set and will continue to set a good example for the rest of the cousins, how I'm good and kind and hard working and intelligent and so much more, so much that I wanted to stand up and scream STOP IT PLEASE. How am I supposed to live up to all of that? What happens if I don't do well, if I do make a mistake, if I fail somewhere? What will they all say? What will they think of me?
17. I have no idea how I got this limp in my left leg, but I did, and it hurts, and I don't know why. Maybe it has something to do with the knots in my shoulders...I need knew pillows. Money...bug.
18. Wow, I'm a brat. Look at how good I've got it and all I see are the bad things. Stupid girl! Grow up.

a little help...

A common expression I hear and use is "If you ever need any help with anything, please let me know!"

Well. The stuff I need help with is a little difficult when it comes to asking. I mean, who is going to drop what they're doing and help me clean my bedroom? Not because it's a huge job (*cough*) or because I can't do it by myself -- I don't really need someone to help me clean. It's more like I don't want to be by myself.

Same with homework. Nobody has time to come do homework with me. Besides, that's boring for the other person!

Late night phone calls, too. Or just phone calls in general...or face to face conversations. Either I'm too busy or too afraid to talk, or the other person is busy and I'll bother her/him. And so I don't call anybody. Besides...there isn't much to say.

Two weeks and one day until my semester and finals are over. Then off to St. George for a couple of days. Can. Not. Wait.

lost tonight...

...wishing under these deep city lights...



...to be stronger than I am
...to be able to keep things to myself
...to not be a burden
...to be able to smile for real
...to be able to sing again
...to know how to meet expectations
...to pick the right path
...to love fully
...to be alone without being lonely
...to find motivation within myself
...to change
...to understand
...to have the holes inside me filled
...to accept what I cannot control and to let it go
...to have faith instead of fear
...to go one day without crying
...to grasp what is true and what is not
...to think less and do more
...to care more about the people and less about the people's actions
...to forgive
...to forget
...to let go of the past
...to walk without looking at the ground
...to sleep, and then to sleep without dreams
...to be enough

...fading away in wishes...fading away in the work of making them come true...

...keep going...

alone...

This is going to sound really, really ridiculous but...

I feel forgotten.
Not by everyone. But by a lot of friends who I care deeply about and who told me they'd be there for me and they haven't been. Which is stupid because I should just be grateful for the people who are consistently there. All the same, I feel somewhat abandoned.

It's very, very hard to keep in touch with people who never reply.

It's very, very hard to be the one who makes the attempt to say hello or plan something, especially when that attempt is rejected, seen as insincere, or blown off because someone didn't think I was serious. Or when someone said they would come and then forgot or scheduled something else.

It's very hard to realize that people might not care about you as much as you care about them.

It's very hard to wake up every day knowing that somewhere your friends are together and you're alone.

It's very hard to be shut down every time you try to do something nice for someone, be it a family member, a friend, or even a stranger.

It's very hard to be the one people tell all of their struggles to when you personally have no one to go to. Why no one to go to? Because they already told you the hard things going on in their lives. You can't add to it -- that would be unkind.

It's very hard to put on a happy face in front of your best friends and your family so that they don't worry about you. After all, it's easier to smile than explain why you feel the way that you do. Especially when the way that you feel stems from selfishness.

All of this is selfishness. And I don't know how to change it. I'm reading books, I'm taking classes, I'm doing the best I know how to become a better person. I'm praying and begging God to help me change, to expect less or even nothing from others, to rely on myself and His guidance for happiness.

It's just really hard to be happy when you feel so very alone. And it's really hard to be happy when you know you have a problem that you don't know how to change.

let it go...

I know I've been posting a lot of videos and music lately, but sometimes it's enough.

spoke too soon...

May I just say that I hate missing school? You get behind, you miss quizzes, you have attendance points docked, you're stuck at home by yourself all day, and if the dog pees on the floor when you were asleep it's your fault because you weren't paying attention. Not that she did that, but if she had.

I especially hate missing school when it's because I can't walk from pain. How do you explain that to a professor? "Dear Professor so and so, I missed your class and the quiz due to a sudden illness that occurs frequently but the doctors don't know what is causing it so...yeah. Sorry."

That's the really frustrating thing about this, not being able to explain it.

And so I'm in my room in bed with Misty at my feet, Molly outside because she won't come inside no matter how hard I try, and a giant smartwater bottle next to me with a picture of a crab inside of it (not very smart, smartwater people: the kind of crab you put on the label does not live in freshwater). I have letters to write, homework to do, a party to finish planning, errands to run if I can, laundry in the washer, and all I've done is watch episodes of "Once Upon a Time". Ann showed me the first couple of episodes and now I'm wondering if this is how a fish feels after it's taken the bait...

kaboom...

I'm the kind of person who can't keep her own secrets. I can keep other people's, but never my own. Why? I have to talk to someone about what's going on inside my head. The bad things about that are:

...what happens when you can't find any words?
...who do you go to when you don't know what to say?
...how do you call someone when you're too afraid to dial--after all, what if they actually pick up?

I'll try what my English teacher suggests: word vomit, meaning writing every word that comes to mind to eventually get to the main idea.

I'm upset because
...every time I finally feel comfortable somewhere, everything changes and I have to start all over again.
...I hate the helpless feeling I get when I hear my sisters talk about their friend who killed himself last week, and I hate the fear I feel when they don't talk but you can see all over their faces what they're thinking about.
...there's too much to learn and not enough time to become good at everything.
...people are thoughtless. I am, too.
...I'm so awkward, and I feel like people don't think I'm being sincere when I really and truly am.
...being in pain for a week and a half is not easy to live with (it makes me ache for the people who have to deal with it every single day of their lives).
...no matter what I do, I still look and feel the same.
...I'm suddenly faced with great uncertainty in where I stand at work, and I'm afraid to approach my boss and ask about it because I'm afraid of what she'll say.
...I cannot for the life of me find my paycheck (with my W2 in it that costs $10 to replace).
...no one has really hugged me in days, which is weird because I usually don't like to be touched.
...school is boring. It's kind of a let down, actually.
...I'm selfish. I don't know how to change it, either.
...I'm never going to be good enough.
...writing to my missionary friends is getting harder and harder to do, not because I can't make time, but because (once again) I don't know what to say.
...Molly is naughty on purpose to get attention. Irritating.
...things from my past keep coming to mind, things that hurt or frighten me or make me feel so ashamed of myself. All are things I thought I'd gotten over, but I can't let them go.
...my room is messy, my laundry isn't done, and my homework isn't finished. Each my fault. Each beyond my capacity to complete right now...or at least beyond desire.
...I really, really, really dislike being told how I think. How the heck should anybody know how I think? I don't care how many degrees you have. Do not tell me how I think about the world.
...I'm so afraid of people. I can't even talk to the people I trust because I'm afraid of them.

...explosion in progress...

*kaboom*

There was a time when I didn't know what happiness was. Happiness: the variable in my life that continually remained undefined. Then all of the sudden life turned upside down. Instead of a daily struggle to even get out of bed, it turned into heaven with only the occasional bump in the road.

For days I've been hit by sadness, but I haven't known why. Everything is well and truly great in my life, so I've been trying to figure out what the heck is going on. Usually I'm so super happy that it's weird to me. Honestly, sometimes it freaks me out how good I feel. So this unhappiness...I don't know where it comes from. Possible factors: an overwhelming feeling of loneliness; a feeling of being back into a corner with no place left to go; being unable to keep up with a house that needs to be kept clean and organized; insincerity.

None of those things seemed like the most probable cause for this feeling of deep sadness. They contribute, yes, but it's easy to get over those. Those factors will hit for an hour or so and it's back to happiness and joy! Then all of the sudden there will be an out of nowhere crash into this sadness that is literally painful. It's the kind of pain in your chest that makes it hard to breath. Sometimes I find myself wrapping my arms around myself as tight as I can to stop the strange, shaky, weakness because it really does hurt. It's a feeling of vulnerability and fear and crumbling to nothing.

A friend of mine had an interesting thought. She said that maybe I'm sad because I'm so happy most of the time. Now before you think this is insane, let me explain: there has never been a time in my life when I was able to be happy or content with anything. No matter how hard I tried, happiness was always just out of reach. It was like trying to drink water with your hands. You got a taste, but before you could drink it all, the water trickled through your fingers to the ground, turning the dirt to mud. That taste wasn't enough to quench an incredible thirst, and each tiny taste was enough to drive you crazy.

I wonder if my friend is right. For so long I was getting sips of happiness without ever being rid of the thirst for true joy. Lately I seem to be immersed in happiness. Instead of being satisfied and content with all of the goodness, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle it, and I'm drowning.

Drowning isn't pleasant. Neither is being thirsty. Not sure how to balance the two yet...