kaboom...

I'm the kind of person who can't keep her own secrets. I can keep other people's, but never my own. Why? I have to talk to someone about what's going on inside my head. The bad things about that are:

...what happens when you can't find any words?
...who do you go to when you don't know what to say?
...how do you call someone when you're too afraid to dial--after all, what if they actually pick up?

I'll try what my English teacher suggests: word vomit, meaning writing every word that comes to mind to eventually get to the main idea.

I'm upset because
...every time I finally feel comfortable somewhere, everything changes and I have to start all over again.
...I hate the helpless feeling I get when I hear my sisters talk about their friend who killed himself last week, and I hate the fear I feel when they don't talk but you can see all over their faces what they're thinking about.
...there's too much to learn and not enough time to become good at everything.
...people are thoughtless. I am, too.
...I'm so awkward, and I feel like people don't think I'm being sincere when I really and truly am.
...being in pain for a week and a half is not easy to live with (it makes me ache for the people who have to deal with it every single day of their lives).
...no matter what I do, I still look and feel the same.
...I'm suddenly faced with great uncertainty in where I stand at work, and I'm afraid to approach my boss and ask about it because I'm afraid of what she'll say.
...I cannot for the life of me find my paycheck (with my W2 in it that costs $10 to replace).
...no one has really hugged me in days, which is weird because I usually don't like to be touched.
...school is boring. It's kind of a let down, actually.
...I'm selfish. I don't know how to change it, either.
...I'm never going to be good enough.
...writing to my missionary friends is getting harder and harder to do, not because I can't make time, but because (once again) I don't know what to say.
...Molly is naughty on purpose to get attention. Irritating.
...things from my past keep coming to mind, things that hurt or frighten me or make me feel so ashamed of myself. All are things I thought I'd gotten over, but I can't let them go.
...my room is messy, my laundry isn't done, and my homework isn't finished. Each my fault. Each beyond my capacity to complete right now...or at least beyond desire.
...I really, really, really dislike being told how I think. How the heck should anybody know how I think? I don't care how many degrees you have. Do not tell me how I think about the world.
...I'm so afraid of people. I can't even talk to the people I trust because I'm afraid of them.

...explosion in progress...

*kaboom*

and then it went to pot...

I worked the evening shift today. One of the girls texted me and asked if I would cover for her. I didn’t want to…I wasn’t feeling well and just wanted to stay in bed. Buuuuuuut, I figured it would be good to get out of the house, and heaven knows I can use the money. After about two hours, though, I decided that it would have been a very, very good day to just stay in bed. I was just so freakin' clumsy.

First, I dropped an open cooler on the grass and tried to catch it, succeeding only in having the lid slam down on my hand. Which is now bruised. EW. And ouch.

Second, I poured strawberry flavoring into the tiger's blood container, realized my mistake, and tried to pour the liquid back into the right bottle. While trying to do that, I lost my balance and spilled the red juice all over my left hand and arm. That hand is currently dyed pink.

Third, I sprayed myself in the face with a jet of shaved ice because I didn't raise the cup up fast enough. That was in front of a cute guy who was talking to me and asking me questions and stuff and I totally iced my face.

Fourth…I don’t know how it happened but the mango and orange-pineapple flavors went AWOL right at the same time and just like, jumped off of the shelf. Juice everywhere, including on me.

Fifth, while I was refilling the cherry flavor, the flavor mix bubbled up and sprayed all over my pants.

Sixth, I tripped on a cooler and went flying into the cash register, pushing the "total" button and making the receipt spit out like crazy.

Seventh, I smacked the back of my head on the ice chest out back while pulling out another cooler full of ice. Then the lid of the ice chest slammed shut on my back, and I lost my grip on the cooler and dropped it. As it fell, it took half of me with it. I’m sure that the people sitting at the table eating their snow cones enjoyed my impromptu slapstick routine. It probably would have been better if I’d had two more days to rehearse.

By the end of the shift I was freaking embarrassed and wondering what was wrong with me. I just felt sick and disoriented and tired and dizzy, and then everything attacked me.

I must have magic powers or something. I destroy things just by looking at them. And yes. All of this really did happen. Truth is stranger than fiction, friends. I would know. I live truth. My life, no matter what I want, will never be fictional. Which is sad. I really could use an editor to fix my mistakes before they're published for the world (or at least my friends and family) to see.

Anyway. It was definitely an interesting shift. Makes me sooooo excited for Monday.

what will the neighbors say...

Lately I've been feeling incredibly blue, and it's not because my jeans have an unfortunate tendency to dye my ankles even after being washed several times. No, it's definitely a mood thing. What with LDC being over, no school, still no job, and no show to rehearse for, I have nothing to do. That equals boredom, which equals copious amounts of time to think, which equals bad thoughts. Not like, BAD thoughts. Just unhappy thoughts.

Speaking of thoughts, I interrupt this post to ask a question: why would a radio station play a recording of a song from a live concert? That's weird. Anyway, interruption over.

I have been so incredibly tired lately. Problem: even though I'm tired, it takes forever for me to be able to finally fall asleep. And because I can't sleep, I have even more time to think, which leads to more unhappy thoughts. There is no way that I'd even be able to attempt getting off the ground if Peter Pan were to come by my window (which he wouldn't, seeing as my windows are three inches above the ground).

Because of this down-ness and tiredness, the cloudy days have been even more wearing than they usually would. So to try and combat my ridiculous brain I went for a very long walk, in and around my neighborhood at about a mile wide radius. The best part? It was pouring rain.
So there I am, wearing sparkly silver toms, blue jeans, a t-shirt under a cotton jacket, and my hair a tangled mess, walking through my neighborhood in the pouring rain. When I was half a block from my house, it stopped raining and I looked at my reflection in a large puddle on the sidewalk. My clothes were on the drenched side of damp. My hair was a wild mass of dripping curls. My cheeks were pink with cold. My eyes were brighter than they've been in days.

Thought process: Hm. I look slightly mad. *tilt head to the side* Still... *tilt head to other side* hm...I could actually be considered a "hot mess". Maybe, by the right person. *look around* Hm...I look crazy. *look at reflection again and grin like an idiot* If only I knew what the neighbors were thinking.

I still smell like rain.

tender mercies...

Today could have been really terrible. I don't know what the heck was wrong with me. Nothing should have been wrong, and nothing was wrong. I just felt all wrong--sick, tired, uncomfortable in my own skin, angry, alone, scared of everything, et cetera. As Ron Weasley would say, "How could someone feel all of that at once? They'd explode!" Well yes, Ronald dear. There were multiple water shows (not set to music or timed) throughout the afternoon, and in short it wasn't fun or pretty. There is nothing attractive about crying. Everything could have been a lot worse though. Starting from early this morning and continuing throughout the day I have seen so many good things. There have been dozens of tender mercies and little blessings that have helped me from completely losing control. In truth, they started last night. I'll list a few things that touched my heart and made me smile (or at least cry happy tears instead of sad ones).

1. Last night I had the chance to see several of my friends who I haven't been able to visit for about a month. A shout out to Steven for inviting my sisters and me to his party and for the great time!


2. Last night was also the first time I have ever had a problem with my car when I was the responsible person around AND the only driver...I have no knowledge of cars whatsoever. While I was with my friends, we noticed that there was steam coming out from under the hood. When we opened the car, we couldn't help but notice a steady stream of liquid coming from a gash in a large black tube. The radiator hose had sprung a leak, a clamp on the engine had come loose, and all of the radiator fluid was covering the ground (and my hands and shoes...it was hot and it hurt). Thank heavens, literally, that Taylor's dad was able to come help us. He used to be a mechanic, and he fixed my car. It was amazing: he went and bought new parts for the car, bought a gallon of radiator fluid, fixed the car, and wouldn't let me pay him back for it. He barely even let me thank him! I'm so grateful for his help.


3. This morning wasn't cold! It was a little chilly, but warm enough that I could walk from the parking lot instead of waiting for the shuttle and enjoy the sunshine.


4. I got to sing with LDC in the Institute devotional today. There was a very special feeling about that performance, and I was grateful to be able to participate and be a member of this choir. I'm so glad that I've had this chance; it's been such a blessing in my life.


5. Not only did I get to sing with my friends, I got to have lunch with them, too! Brianna invited me to sit with her and then forced me to eat, for which I am grateful. Sometimes it's hard for me to eat when I'm around a lot of people. She knows that about me and won't let me get away with saying I'm not hungry. I love that girl, for so many reasons. She's been a miracle in my life many times this past year. I also got to talk with Erin for a little while, and Brady too. There are so many wonderful people in this choir, and some of them are becoming and have become my dearest friends.


6. My Rapunzel charm bracelet came in the mail today!


7. Another item came in the mail for me that I wasn't expecting: I received a letter from one of my missionary friends. It couldn't have come at a better time. The words he wrote changed some of my tears from those of sorrow and pain to hope and gratitude that he had taken the time to write to me, and because the message was exactly what I needed to hear today. "Bad can never endure when good is coming." Good is coming. It is always coming. The waiting and hoping for it is hard, but it will always come.


8. I was able to visit my dear second family. I saw the kids and Sister Raddatz yesterday, and today I got to see all of the family except for Brother Raddatz. It was great to see Jason and Jordan; it's been a long time since I got to say hello to either of them in person. Jordan told me that he came to the LDC performance today because he didn't have classes. That made me feel really good, to know that I'd had a friend cheering me on in the audience.


9. Three words: four hour nap.


10. My family puts up with me and loves me even when I'm a nervous wreck, and they take care of me when I'm too tired, too unwilling, or too irrational to take care of myself. I love them so much.


11. Mom took me on a date to the bookstore (after persuading me for half an hour to get out of my bed and go play with her), and because she is braver than I am she was able to talk to one of the cashiers and get me 50% off on a recipe book I wanted because the book has a rip on the cover. The other great part about it? The recipe book is a Hershey's dessert book. It's all about CHOCOLATE. And, because it was already on sale, mom's ability to get a second discount made the book only $3.00. How much better can you get?! Not to mention I was able to buy it with a gift card that I got two Christmases ago and lost...I found it last week. Perfect, no?


12. She also bought me a Cookies n' Cream CreamKula at the coffee shop. They can make all of their drinks without coffee, so I didn't feel guilty at all about it. And I tried very hard to not remember the last time I was at the bookstore and had the same drink...I was on my first official date with the friend I wrote about a couple of days ago. Mom kept talking to me and telling me to forget about it and enjoy my drink. I did. :)


13. We found a "Tangled" coloring book!! And since I still had money on my gift card...it was pretty much free for me. I can't wait to start coloring it in!

Bad really can't endure. Good things will always come. I saw that happen today. Yes, things hurt. Things are hard. There will always be pain and tears. That can't be helped. But good things can always make life a little easier, a lot happier, and full of love. Today, I am grateful for my family and my friends, and for the proof that Heavenly Father does love me and cares enough to show me.

oh, that was a step...and i kinda missed it...

Today has been an off day, like when you're walking down the sidewalk and kind of hit the curb funny. You don't fall down or trip, you just sort of stumble. *step, step, step, stumble! oh!* Yeah. Nothing has gone wrong at all, and everything's been pretty right, but it's just been off.

My BYU application deleted itself, which isn't too horrible because the deadline isn't until December 1st. I've got a couple of weeks.

I'm going to fail my Meteorology exam tomorrow. Seriously. I looked over the study guide tonight and almost said bad words. Then I almost cried. I took notes in class, read the chapters, paid attention, and I'm clueless. School sucks.

On a high note, my Reflections entry is all ready to go. Well, almost. There are a couple things I need to fill out on the media release form thingy, but I have to ask the office what they want me to put because I don't know what region I'm in, what "local" means in the context of a blank line following it, and what I should put for "track" and "teacher". So yeah. Oh, and another good thing. I was SO frustrated with this stupid "Regina's Log" thing that we had for a quiz today in Algebra. Then I looked at my t-chart table thing and suddenly SHA-zam! I totally figured it out. It was majorly epic (only because it will probably never happen again, so it was epic in a major way).

Now I'm going to be completely honest. I am not a trusting person. Pretty much at all. I am here on this blog-heck, you know almost everything about me. Almost. But it's different online. You can choose who you want to be here. You can block a commenter, delete a link from your blog roll, stop reading someone's posts. I'm not a stupid girl. I may be an open book, but not stupid.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Not stupid, eh? Oh, no. I've just trusted someone with the biggest secret of my life. And the whole time I talked there was, and is, this nagging suspicion in my brain that says "You moron. He is totally going to betray you. You idiot. Idiot, idiot, idiot. You're crazy. Why are you telling him this? You can't trust him. He'll listen and pretend to care and drop you like a stone into a river. So why are you trusting him? Hmmmmmm?"

Do you ever feel like that? Do you feel like I do, wanting to be able to trust someone? Needing to see that someone out there will let you talk to them without betraying your confidence? Do you ever do what I did? Have you ever given a person the power to hurt you while hoping beyond hope that they won't?

Stupid girl. Off days are dangerous days. I make myself vulnerable.