strange...

If someone had told me that I'd be where I am right now, I would have laughed and asked if there was a drug problem I needed to know about so I could get the person some help.

Based on what I see in my life, I don't know what to think of myself. I don't know if I'm overly hopeful, or a work-a-holic, or just plain stupid. I do know that I'm overly anxious and that I sell myself short, to me and everyone else. Lucky for me, I have friends and family who help me when I'm having a rough day.

Despite worries and concerns, I'm pretty happy. Circumstances are strange and completely unexpected, but I'm doing well.

Life sure can throw you for a loop.

falling apart...

So the doctor appointment fell through.

                        A pay raise also fell through.

                                            Going on vacation this summer fell through.

                                                                             Housing for summer fell through.

                                                                                                 And the engagement fell through.

But no worries. I have a great life.

I wrote a fairly decent 15 page paper in 8 hours.

I got 100% on my group presentation for Sociology.

I got assigned to review the entire Jimmy Stewart collection at work (talk about a summer project).

I was put in charge of the Cecil B. DeMille collection (over 1,000 boxes of material that need to be processed or catalogued and numbered, which I will be supervising -- talk about a summer AND fall project).

I have parents and sisters who call, text, and email me on a frequent basis to check on me and say hello.

I have an awesome room mate.

I have three wonderful dogs.

And I (still) have a great boyfriend.

Life's good.

my 2012...

I survived 2012.

No, that's not an apocalypse joke (though I won't lie and say I didn't worry about it a little bit). It's actually a true statement.

This year has been hard. Lots of heartbreaks, lots of challenges, lots of new things to overcome. I lost several close friendships, began dealing with the pain left behind from abuse, watched my dad begin a battle with stage 4 prostate cancer, saw my sisters get hurt by boys and shattered dreams, tried to help a friend who had some awful stuff happen to her, was diagnosed with some of my own health problems, faced seemingly insurmountable challenges in school, changed jobs multiple times, met people with opposing perspectives that shook my world, moved out on my own for the first time, saw life-long dreams put on hold indefinitely, and, as always, wrestled with the darkness that comes from depression and anxiety. I've felt myself being molded and shaped into something new; that shaping and molding hurts.

This year has also been incredibly wonderful. There have been countless miracles, small and big. I gained greater closeness with the people who are my real friends, took steps necessary to heal, received the news that dad's cancer is in remission after only three months of treatment, watched my sisters band together against the unkindness of classmates, learned that tough love is sometimes necessary, humbled myself enough to go through treatments that have improved my health exponentially, pulled a shocking 3.9 GPA despite all of the difficulties, did well in all of the jobs I had and made connections for future opportunities, made wonderful new friends and new insight about life and people, gained greater independence from living as I desire, and, as always, still wrestle with the darkness that works its way into my mind and heart. I have been molded and shaped into something new; that shaping and molding has been worth every bit of pain -- I'm happier than I ever have been in my entire life.

I've done things I never would have done before. I'm taking chances, making mistakes, getting messy in life -- I even let the dishes sit in the sink overnight now, rather than staying up late to clean the entire house because one little thing is out of place. I'm living my life -- I'm not letting memories and fear live it for me.

I'm still scared. I'm taking risks that a week ago I vowed I would never do. I'm considering new, big, exciting, terrifying things. And, I like it.

2012 has been full of ups and downs -- the downs were hard. Really hard. I'm not perfect, and I'm not complete yet. There's still a lot of shaping and molding needed. But I've learned this year that fear really is the opposite of faith. With faith, anything can happen. Literally anything. Dads who are given two to three years to live can suddenly be faced with fifteen to twenty years after only three months of cancer treatment. Finances can suddenly fall into place perfectly, with just enough left to hold over until the next paycheck comes through. People who are complete strangers can, in one conversation, say exactly what was needed to help heal a broken heart. Family and friends can stay close and get closer, no matter what happens. And girls who have been damaged, inside and outside, by guys can find themselves swept off their feet by good men in a matter of days.

Miracles happen. Fun happens. And mid all of the tears and sorrows, laughter happens. It happens a lot more than we'd think, if we let it.

once upon another time...

People say that there are those who come into your life for a reason -- usually to teach you something -- and then they leave. Their sole purpose is to give you perspective and insight into your life, to help you become better by showing you ways to change.

That's a nice thought. It's a real nice one. But thinking about it and experiencing it are nowhere near similar.

Being on the left behind end of this phenomenon sucks (yes, I just said sucks). Watching the person who meant so much to me just disappear from my life, at no (tangible) fault of my own, just circumstances and personal changes, really sucks. Going from best friends to barely speaking, pushed aside and forgotten, hurts. Feeling abandoned, betrayed, stabbed in the back, because that person knows me -- knows me for me. And once said that we'd be friends no matter what.

"I'll always be there for you."

Well. Where are you now? Not here. Not even there.

When did that happen? Almost overnight, it seems. Best friends one day, near strangers the next. Because that's how it feels when I'm with you now. Like I'm with a complete stranger. Like I'm a stranger to myself. 

What happened to us?

There's another saying, the saying that "people should be allowed to change." That's great when it applies to me. I don't like applying it to someone else, when their change leaves me feeling alone and confused, wondering if I said too much or not enough. If I should have been different, or better. 

How could I have been different or better, though, when with you, I could be nothing but myself? 

Once upon another time, I was important. It was a different kind of important than the every day, "each person is important" sort of way. It was different because I was important to you. I'm still important. I still matter. But not being important to you, especially when you still mean so much to me, is absolutely heart breaking. 

Lucky for me, you never made me happy. I was happy on my own, and I was happier with you next to me, but I didn't need you. My heart aches with missing you, yes. However, I can be, and am, happy on my own.

I didn't need you as a friend. I wanted you as a friend. It's because I loved you -- love doesn't need. Love wants. I wanted to love you, because you were my best friend. Maybe you still are my best friend -- maybe I still love you. I probably do. It makes sense, because what's happening to us is painful, and if I didn't love you, it wouldn't hurt so much.

You taught me about happiness -- you taught me how not to need. You taught me to want, and to hold onto those things that I want. You taught me that it isn't about "fitting" together. It's about "rolling." We rolled, you know. Or at least, I rolled with you.

There's more than that, though. Whether you meant to or not, you taught me that love lets go. Because I've never loved anyone like I loved you -- and love is about the other person. I learned that even more as your friend -- the more you told me, and the closer we got, and the more I shared with you -- nothing you did or said could push me away. Until now. 

Even now, though...I can't explain it. I care more about you than I do about how hurt I feel by what you're doing. Not talking to me, not answering, not being the friend anymore -- despite it all, I care about you. Which is so frustrating, because I can't let myself react in the ways I desperately wish I could. That's why I can't be as angry as I want to be. That's why I can't scream and throw tantrums and shout to the world that I hate you. Because I don't hate you. As much as I want to be immature and childish, I can't be.

Do you know how hard it is to be the one who is left behind? To be the one who is expected to wait, to be patient, to always be there when you change your mind again? Do you know what it's like to be shut out by your best friend, the person you trusted with secrets and fears and dreams you'd never shared with anyone on earth before?

Strangely, I'm not destroyed. As much as I loved you and invested in our friendship, and as much as it hurts, I'm beyond functioning. I'm happy. I'm as normal as I ever get (with the exception of minor emotional breakdowns due to a number of factors).

I don't understand how I can be so hurt and so at peace simultaneously. Perhaps it's because I don't really need you. I just wanted you in my life. 

But, when do we ever get everything that we want? 

Perhaps once upon another time.

sides of me...

The me I've been is a happy me. She's still an introvert, but she reaches out and tries making friends. She learns new things and goes new places. She smiles, even when she's sad. She can focus on the task at hand, or the person talking, or the idea she's rolling around in her head. She reads and cooks and talks and laughs. She doesn't worry as much as before. She takes pictures and writes, goes adventuring and plays just as much as she works.

The me I'm becoming isn't a happy me. She's reverting to the sad, shy, quiet, lonely, afraid person of a year ago. She stays home because she doesn't want to go out, because she doesn't want people. She frowns more than she smiles. She gets sidetracked easily, choosing to spend time on the Internet, rather than exploring the world around her. She still reads and cooks, but the reading is out of habit and the cooking is out of necessity, not enjoyment. She talks a little, and laughs less. She worries a lot. She doesn't take pictures, and she has to force herself to write, living from bedtime to wake time to bedtime again.

I feel like I can't be the me I want to be anymore. I'm trapped in this "not me," uncomfortable, unsure, unwanted in my own head. Or not "not me," but an "other me." I don't like this other me that's resurfacing, this sad and sullen and negative me. I don't know how to get rid of her -- she keeps coming back, year after year after year. But how can you get rid of what you are?

Both girls are me. Both are insecure, but one is able to cope with it more than the other. Both like to be alone, but one is alone because it helps her be happy, while the other is alone because you can't get hurt if you're alone. Both want to love, but one does so willingly and the other holds back. Both live, but one lives well and the other survives.

While on Pinterest today, I read a saying which stated that in order to be the best you, you must first accept all the things about yourself -- the good and the bad. Strengths and weaknesses, virtues and vices; all parts of yourself need to be taken into consideration to be the best you.

I don't really want to accept the unhappy me. I just want her to go away and never come back -- it hurts to feel so down, and it's heavy and lonely and confusing. It isn't even rational -- but what I feel is hard to logic back into happiness. I know the things I'm feeling, but I don't know why. And all of the reasons I've come up with don't make sense. My life is good. It's better than good, to be honest -- it's great. Dad is doing well, Callie is doing better, I have great friends, my bills aren't a problem, my school is working out just fine, I have two good jobs, I'll have a room mate for sure in the fall, the room mate I have now is a doll, I have a good family, my car works, my body mostly works, I'm not starving -- I know all of these things, but I still feel so sad.

How do you accept what you are when you can't stand yourself? When you can't stand the way that you feel, and no matter how hard you pray and study and try every day to be grateful for the good in your life, you are constantly uncomfortable in your own skin, and even worse, your own mind?

lucky...

It's been another one of those difficult weeks. Lots of pain, little sleep, many things to do, and home alone often. I've been very grateful that it's a three day weekend, because it means that I won't miss any school but I can still rest.

I've also been very grateful for the little things that have reminded me that someone is watching out for me. I'm lucky to be where I am and to have the people that have been put in my life.

I'm lucky because
...Misty is one of the sweetest little dogs in the entire world. She sleeps with me, she spends time with me, she makes me laugh when I'm sad, and she cuddles with me when we're both cold. Love that dog.
...people like Steven and Dominique text me just to say hello. It's always great to have a day start with a text that says you're loved.
...that lovely girl Q sent me a short message to tell me that she loves me.
...Kenna invited me to hang out with her on Saturday morning. We made breakfast and talked about how wonderful life is, even when it's hard (because it truly is wonderful). She and I think so alike it's scary. We decided again that we definitely are sisters; we just had to find each other.
...Dad asked me to watch Captain America with him on Friday night because we both weren't feeling well. He bought pizza and cookies (I know, great food when you're sick, haha) and we watched the movie together. It was great.
...I got to talk to Jaden, Ruthie, Coty, Brianna, and Corby today. I love text messaging -- I can have conversations with multiple friends at once without any of them needing to leave a voicemail (which half the time I don't get anyway. My phone is dying).
...I was really worried that some of my friends were upset at me, but then one of them sent me an email to say hello and I felt better about everything.

The Lord cares enough about me to put me in contact with people who stay in contact with me. Friendships mean a lot to me, and to have others care about a relationship as much as I do helps me keep going. I know I need to learn to be less dependent on others, but you know? I really can take care of myself, and I do, even on the days that I'm sad. It just makes it a little bit easier when there's somebody to talk to -- even if in the talking we never address anything other than the happy things.

Most of these people don't know that this week has been hard. That's one of the reasons why it meant so much to me for them to say hello or spend time with me. They were each answers to prayers in their own way, and for that I am very grateful.

Life is GREAT, guys. Even when it's hard, it's great.

more...

...goals for my life...
...talk less, listen more
...think less, do more
...social media less, face to face more
...plan to be less, be the plan more
...laze less, study more
...fear less, hope more
...change less for others, change more for me and the Lord
...worry less, act more
...fight less, accept more
...complain less, rejoice more
...cry less for sadness, cry more for joy
...walk less, dance more
...silence less, sing more
...forget less, remember more
...frown less, smile more
...dress down less, dress up more
...get less, give more
...spend less, save more
...waste less, use more
...watch less, read more
...ignore less, observe more
...doubt less, believe more
...make from box less, make from scratch more
...copy less, create more
...surf less, write more

Ready...go. :)

funny how that works...

The more I get to know you, the more I find that we are incredibly compatible. We like the same things and we dislike the same things. We have similar goals and dreams. We have similar opinions politically, socially, spiritually, family-ly, educationally, and the like. We think very much the same about the world, and even when we disagree we are able to come to some sort of a compromise (except on the issue of whether cake is good or not. I will like cake no matter how much you dislike it).

And so here we are, able to converse for hours on end without getting bored of one another. Here we are, able to sit together in companionable silence without it getting awkward. And always, the we ends and it's back to you in your world and me in mine.

I haven't met anyone like you before. I've had best friends and people I could talk to about most everything, but you? Note that this is weird because you're a guy: you are the one who I can talk to about everything. Literally everything. And the best part? You talk back. About everything. When we're not talking, we're still communicating. It's different, but it's a comfortable feeling. It's one I don't get tired of quickly.

It's odd, because when I'm with you I feel content and complete. It's a perfect friendship, one of mutual caring and understanding with a very open channel of communication. I don't have to be afraid to talk to you about things that might be weird or potentially awkward. For you, it's just making things better by talking through it. I appreciate that.

Sometimes it's strange to me that we're friends. Then if I think about it, I realize thinking about it is ridiculous. Why analyze something that brings me joy? Still, though. It's funny.

Funny.

choices...

Have you ever made a hard choice and felt great about it when you made it, but when it hits you that you can't go back and change the decision you can't help but cry your eyes out?

Yeah. That's me.

surprising...

I am surprised

...by how quickly I can drink a bottle of water.
...that I have cried during every single movie I have watched over the past 4 days.
...because at almost 20 years old I still worry about hurting a stuffed animal's feelings.
...to realize that I go back to school at BYU, of all places, in one day over a week.
...when I get a paycheck from work because I always forget I get paid to have so much fun.
...that John, Ruthie's older brother, gave me such a nice Christmas present (a necklace with my first initial on the chain).
...by how much I miss Jordan.
...at how very awkward I feel around my sisters' friends.
...that sometimes I know more than I think I do.
...when I can eat a huge meal and not feel full, comfortably or uncomfortably, at all.
...to realize that I have only tripped twice in the past five days.
...that it is so comforting to hold a stuffed toy, like my giant, pink, fluffy unicorn (named Agnes).
...by how many of my friends are suddenly pairing off and getting together.
...to find myself wondering if I truly understand what it is to feel love for someone and to feel loved in return.
...at the number of times in the recent past that I have found myself lost for words.
...because despite all of the wonderful, marvelous, joyous things in my life, I'm still lonely.


.

typing with gloves on...

Yes, I am typing with gloves on. But I didn't start this post to tell you about that. Instead, I'm writing something I thought of while trying to strike the keys with fingers clothed in heavy black fabric.

Lately I've been feeling like my life is like trying to type with gloves on. I can still do every motion and action, but there are often times mistakes that I keep repeating. The mistakes are simple and clumsy. The feeling I usually have is one of extreme awkwardness, and I am generally uncertain about every move I make. Whether it's a big decision or a little one (ie. to stay in LDC vs. getting hot chocolate or apple cider at the cafe), a sentence I say or don't say, a friend I make or don't make...I feel the need to move cautiously so as to not make someone or something upset with me.

On the flip side, the more I wear these gloves while typing, the more accurate I become. The more accurate I become, the more confident I feel in wearing these gloves while using a keyboard. I have to strike the keys with careful, deliberate motions, working hard to feel every single key through the gloves, making sure that my fingers are properly placed. It's quieter, too, typing this way. Perhaps it isn't always a bad thing to go slowly and to proceed with caution. Perhaps it is in being patient and diligent that success comes. Be patient instead of fearful in decision making...

PS My family has a new dog. Her name is Molly. She is a very tiny but obnoxious little animal. Cute, yes. A practice in patience? Most definitely.

crazy spiritual weekend...

LDC with Michael McLean after our first performance of The Forgotten Carols
I am developing a theory. This theory has to do with my personal limitations when it comes to spiritual experiences. I am beginning to believe that due to my spiritual maturity and understanding at this time in my life, I am only able to handle a small amount of spiritual-ness. After a certain point, I reach full capacity. "My cup runneth over" and I am literally unable to process any more. Then come tears that won't stop, the absolute exhaustion of body and mind, and the slight hungover feeling that reminds me of the times when I have accidentally taken too much cough syrup before bed.

This weekend has been incredible when it comes to feeling the Holy Ghost. From Friday morning clear through Sunday night, it's been almost non-stop, body and soul immersion. Much of the time it's been with the same people: Friday at the LDC rehearsal and the afternoon devotional, then with my family and Ann at my sisters' Children of Eden performance. Saturday was LDC's performances in The Forgotten Carols with Michael McLean, so all day was spent rehearsing, performing, and spending time the wonderful choir members. Sunday was LDC's Thanksgiving concert with two other local choirs. Each experience has been incredible...each one has also left me feeling overwhelmed, building on one another until I now feel totally out of it.

This weekend I've been reassured, corrected, comforted, promised, reminded, and blessed multiple times in the past three days. It's literally too much to take in; as Sister Terry says, it's like getting a drink of water from a fire hydrant. WHOOSH!

How is it that something like this can take so much out of you? Usually the Spirit helps us to feel ready to take on the world, and secure in the knowledge that the Lord loves us. I know he loves me, but right now I just feel rather overwhelmed. Almost waterlogged...

Personally I'm very grateful for the experiences of the past three days, even though there are probably some people who could not figure out what was wrong with me when I started crying and couldn't stop (at The Forgotten Carols after our second performance...in short I was a bit of an emotional wreck). I've learned and felt so much. Now to sort it all out and prioritize what I need to change in my life.

Thank you to my wonderful friends and family who were there for me this weekend. To my mom and dad for coming to my performances, bringing me a box of truffles, and buying me a souvenir 20th anniversary CD of The Forgotten Carols (though I'm not supposed to know about that)...thank you. To my sisters for sharing their talents with the community and for coming to the Sunday concert...thank you. To Ann, Brady, Brad, Claire, Amanda, Sean, Kayla, Skyler, Brianna...thank you. (((hugs)))

sidetracked...

I got a little behind on the 90 days challenge thing, so I'm just going to pick it up here and start today at day 68 (I think it's 68...). Sorry about that! There's been a lot going on in the health area of life. All of the other areas of life, too, but the health area is causing some rough patches of trail. Shoulder to the wheel!

day 68...

a picture and a song to match your mood...

Lately I feel that I'm standing at the edge of...something, and I'm looking up at...something else. But like this picture, I cannot reach it. I can see what I want, just above me, but I can't get to it. I'm stuck. It's a discouraging feeling.

This song is how I feel right now. Yes, it's dramatic and self-centered and kind of despairing. I'm just being honest (note, because this song is rather dramatic, this song doesn't actually describe me, lol):




HOWEVER!


This is how I'm trying to be:

what will the neighbors say...

Lately I've been feeling incredibly blue, and it's not because my jeans have an unfortunate tendency to dye my ankles even after being washed several times. No, it's definitely a mood thing. What with LDC being over, no school, still no job, and no show to rehearse for, I have nothing to do. That equals boredom, which equals copious amounts of time to think, which equals bad thoughts. Not like, BAD thoughts. Just unhappy thoughts.

Speaking of thoughts, I interrupt this post to ask a question: why would a radio station play a recording of a song from a live concert? That's weird. Anyway, interruption over.

I have been so incredibly tired lately. Problem: even though I'm tired, it takes forever for me to be able to finally fall asleep. And because I can't sleep, I have even more time to think, which leads to more unhappy thoughts. There is no way that I'd even be able to attempt getting off the ground if Peter Pan were to come by my window (which he wouldn't, seeing as my windows are three inches above the ground).

Because of this down-ness and tiredness, the cloudy days have been even more wearing than they usually would. So to try and combat my ridiculous brain I went for a very long walk, in and around my neighborhood at about a mile wide radius. The best part? It was pouring rain.
So there I am, wearing sparkly silver toms, blue jeans, a t-shirt under a cotton jacket, and my hair a tangled mess, walking through my neighborhood in the pouring rain. When I was half a block from my house, it stopped raining and I looked at my reflection in a large puddle on the sidewalk. My clothes were on the drenched side of damp. My hair was a wild mass of dripping curls. My cheeks were pink with cold. My eyes were brighter than they've been in days.

Thought process: Hm. I look slightly mad. *tilt head to the side* Still... *tilt head to other side* hm...I could actually be considered a "hot mess". Maybe, by the right person. *look around* Hm...I look crazy. *look at reflection again and grin like an idiot* If only I knew what the neighbors were thinking.

I still smell like rain.

temptation...

I have a friend, or someone who used to be a friend (and a close one at that). I'm not talking to him right now for various reasons (all of which I have been told on numerous occassions are very good reasons). The truth is, though, that I miss him. A LOT. And so I want to talk to him REALLY badly. But I won't, because he always waits for me to come back to him. And when I DO come back, I always get treated like a naughty child who has finally decided to submit to the all-knowing father.

He is the greatest human temptation I've ever come across. When we were in the friendship stage, he was a temptation. When we were in the almost-relationship stage, he was an even greater temptation. And now that we've had...um.....a disagreement...he's still a temptation.

Fighting desire of any kind is really hard. What I want the most right now is to be able to just talk to him and tell him I'm sorry. I know that's what he wants to hear, and at this point I'm about ready to say it just to get back to being friends. The problem? I really don't have anything to be sorry for, so saying the words would just be a lie.

Stuck!! I love life!! :P Actually, I really do love life. Some aspects of it just aren't very fun.