the Cedar-less City...

On Saturday morning, Adam made an observation that both made me laugh and realize that I'd never thought of another thing before. Chest deep in water (meaning I was neck deep), he out at the view from our hotel swimming pool and said, "We're in Cedar City," to which I replied with an almost 'no, duh' sort of expression. A few moments of surveying again and he turned to me, saying very seriously (in a voice reminiscent of a little boy), "I haven't seen any cedars."

As I bobbed up and down with laughter at his expression, I realized that I had never, ever thought of that, and I've been to Cedar City many times.

Yes, Cedar City, the city with no cedar trees. However -- I did learn that Cedar City got its name because of the juniper trees that surround the area, as the trees drop a sweet pollen in the early spring and late fall. Having grown up in Utah, I don't think juniper trees smell anything like cedar trees, but that's beside the point.

Watching the Green Show before attending Love's Labors Lost

The weekend was fabulous. I haven't laughed so much in weeks -- between Adam's parents and Adam himself, there were times I couldn't breathe for laughing. That doesn't even include the absolute hilarity and cleverness of Peter and the Starcatcher, a play currently showing as part of the Utah Shakespeare Festival. It has to be the funniest play I have ever seen. Adam and I went while his parents attended a wedding in St. George, and we both wished they could have seen the play, too. I'd go back tomorrow just to watch it again!

I loved this trip. Usually I dread vacations, and I can't wait to go home. This time, though, I was counting down the hours, and I didn't ever want it to end. The plays we saw -- Love's Labors Lost, Peter and the Starcatcher, and King John -- were all wonderfully done. There were no fights or problems, and I just felt loved and accepted, the whole time.

Sitting the Adams Theater, a replica of The Globe in London, just before King John began 

Lovely, lovely weekend.

my life right now...

Whoever thought it was a good idea to call me to be a Relief Society teacher is crazy. Wait...

Parker is married. And Sierra is married. And Alyssa is married. And Abe is married. And Jason and Morgan are married...to each other. Funny, if things had gone as planned, I would have beaten them all at tying the knot. Let's just say I'm glad they went first!

I am obsessed with checking my position on the waitlist for Economics 110. Down to 24th (one second)...sorry, 23rd (yes, I did just check it again) from 110th. It's almost as bad as eBay bidding.

White Collar. White. Collar. NO, I have not watched the first season in less than a week for the second time. And NO, I do not plan on starting the second season again tomorrow. Give me a break.

But seriously, Matt Bomer and Tim DeKay -- I can't decide who I like better.

Why is it that I am absolutely terrified of calling/texting/contacting in any way, shape, or form, the one person who I should not be afraid of contacting? It's kind of ridiculous.

Living at home is making me lazy and depressed. I stay in my room all day, avoiding family at all costs because for some reason, every time I emerge, a fight breaks out. I don't know if it's my tone of voice (which would be hard, because I've pretty much stopped speaking), my facial expressions (again, hard because I usually hide behind a book), or my smell (possibly, because mom thinks my jasmine-vanilla lotion smells like bug spray). So basically I sit in my room and weigh the pros and cons of staying or leaving every time I decide to venture out. Let's just say it sucks.

My dogs are possibly THE neediest dogs on the planet. I don't care, though. It's nice having the little furry things in my room all day.

I decided that I figured out why there are so many liberal thinkers in the Humanities and Social Sciences fields -- I've been doing some research on course requirements for various majors and I've found that most (if not all) of those majors are not required to take Economics (except for mine, of course -- go figure), at least at my university . They can take other classes to fulfill course requirements instead. If Econ is an option, they skip it. I would, too, if I had any other choice. So they read loads of Russian or German or French or whatever literature, and tons of philosophy, and never get into the actual history of what happened to the people financially under socialist and communist governments. Fascinating, what we think works, and how we easily ignore actual history.

It sickens me that one person (me) has so much stuff. And yet, when I decide I'm getting rid of things, I cannot let go! That stuff cost money. A lot of it is in the form of books and memories (journals, photographs, and the like), and arts and crafts supplies. Then there's all of the bedding and clothes (gah, I have so many clothes) -- but I use them all! It's a dilemma, I tell you. A real dilemma. 

Sometimes, when I'm having a sad moment, I picture his cute face and just grin like an idiot. And then I wonder why I'm scared to call him, because he is my boyfriend -- I'm afraid that I'm needy, I guess.

I hurt so, so much. After having that ultrasound, I am completely perplexed by the fact that such a tiny piece of anatomy can cause such excruciating and all-consuming pain, not to mention fainting, vomiting, fevers, and what have you. My whole life I've thought that ovaries and uteri and all those other things were huge because anything that could make so much of my body hurt all of the time had to be ginormous. Wrong. Takes childbirth to a whole new level as well, I'll tell you what.

I got hired to do freelance writing for some sort of online independent business marketing firm. Wish me luck.

Oh, one last thing. Guess who is going on a weekend trip to Cedar City with her man and...wait for it...her man's parents. The four of us, three days seeing plays and hanging out at the Shakespeare Festival. I'm honestly extremely excited, and the more I think about it, just as terrified.

Let's do this.

all's well that end's well...

Or in other words, Anything Goes.

That's where I was last week -- Cedar City at the Utah Shakespeare Festival. My family and I went down because mom, as a BYU theater student, somehow got onto a secret special mailing list which gave her a code for half-price tickets to three plays. I saw two: Anything Goes and Twelve Angry Men, the latter of which I liked much better. It had meaning -- Anything Goes was too silly for me.

And to celebrate, our first full family picture in YEARS.

The world's a stage, and we're on it!

family...

Earlier this month, my grandpa suffered two severe heart attacks in the same week. Because my grandma's health isn't great either, they have been set up with a hospice service to help them out.

Side note: what really should happen is they come down off that mountain and live in the city.

Side note over.

A very last minute trip up to the Gorge was thrown together, and I was lucky enough to spend several hours with my grandpa in the mornings and evenings talking about stuff. He talked to me a lot about the break up, and some of the things he said have helped a lot. It was nice -- I didn't even bring it up, and so to have grandpa ask me about it meant a great deal to me. I didn't know that he pays so much attention to my life. I'm probably grandchild 25 out of over 40! Grandpa is great.

Because these isn't a lot to do up at the Gorge, dad set up a horseback riding outing at the nearby lodge. Every time we go up there in the summer, spring, or early fall, we try and go horseback riding. It is so much fun!

Here we are with some of the horses! Meghan (top left) with Vanilla Ice, Amanda (top right) with Wishbone, and me with Wishbone.

Meghan ended up riding with Vanilla Ice, Amanda with Wishbone, and I got a pretty reddish-grey horse named Wolf (who names a horse "wolf"?). Spending time with the horses made me feel super relaxed for some reason. The slow ride through the pretty country and Wolf's sweet personality was great.

Not only was there little to do up there (pretty far from civilization), there wasn't much to eat. So mom and dad took us down to the other lodge  near Dutch John and we had amazing hamburgers and fries. Seriously, they were so good. 

Dad and mom waiting for their orders -- I could barely get them to look away from the TV so I could get a picture. Star Wars: Return of the Jedi was very enthralling.

We have great hair. Just saying.

I love my grandparents. Especially grandpa. Praying for them both!

falling apart...

So the doctor appointment fell through.

                        A pay raise also fell through.

                                            Going on vacation this summer fell through.

                                                                             Housing for summer fell through.

                                                                                                 And the engagement fell through.

But no worries. I have a great life.

I wrote a fairly decent 15 page paper in 8 hours.

I got 100% on my group presentation for Sociology.

I got assigned to review the entire Jimmy Stewart collection at work (talk about a summer project).

I was put in charge of the Cecil B. DeMille collection (over 1,000 boxes of material that need to be processed or catalogued and numbered, which I will be supervising -- talk about a summer AND fall project).

I have parents and sisters who call, text, and email me on a frequent basis to check on me and say hello.

I have an awesome room mate.

I have three wonderful dogs.

And I (still) have a great boyfriend.

Life's good.

temple, temple...

One of the few places that I feel total peace is on the grounds of the temple. In this crazy, noisy, topsy-turvy world, I often find that my head and heart start being just as crazy, noisy, and topsy-turvy. Just walking in the gardens and sitting on the steps of the temple helps me get my spiritual bearings -- I drop my cares and worries for a moment, basking in the glow of the sun on the temple walls.

Sunday saw a visit to the St. George temple -- we stopped there before returning home from our spur of the moment adventure. Jeff, Chelsea, Adam, and I took turns taking pictures of one another on the grounds, soaking up the sunshine and enjoying one another's company.

Pretty much perfection right here, folks.

     I think we're pretty sweet together, don't you?

Except when he does this...not quite as sweet...

Yay, friends!

housemates, bromance to the max, best friends

What a wonderful world it is. 

Spring fake...

BYU has an age old tradition of not giving its students a spring break. The reasons they give seem to make sense, such as "you get out of school a week earlier than everyone else" and "it only prolongs time until finals." But we all know the truth: it's because they want to keep us away from all of the other colleges who are out partying, where we might get into trouble.

True story.

Due to dire need of a reprieve from school, work, and regular life in general, my housemate and I put our feet down and told our men that a holiday was in order. Late Thursday night saw hotel plans and grocery lists set, and 12 hours later we four were in the car for a St. George vacation, our very own fake break.

Adam, Jeff, Chelsea, and me at Fiest Fun enjoying a game of mini golf

Never a dull moment with these two around.

You see what I mean?!

      

I love this man so much.

Shhh!

Oh! You caught us!

Yep. We're all adorable. Such fun!

mia...

I realized tonight how long it's been since I've written anything. I'll update you on the happenings around the House, but right now, I need to spew.

I feel so...not good enough. In my classes, among my cast members, at home, on the job, in my relationships...in all parts of my life, I don't feel good enough.

Sometimes I imagine leaving it all behind, all of it, and disappearing for a couple of days. Just getting into my car and heading off somewhere, with my cell phone silenced and Carrie Underwood on the radio. No note, no hints as to my going, no nothing -- go and come back before anyone notices. Just to clear my head, to take a break, to be me, without all of this, for a little while.

Inadequacy is a hard feeling. It's one I'm not fond of, although I am very familiar with it. Dealing with it never seems to get easier, though. If anything, it gets harder for me as I get older. More and more things enter my life, and more opportunities for the feeling arise. Honestly, it's pretty exhausting.

Life truly is good right now -- I'm a very blessed, very lucky lady. The hard things and difficult feelings make the good aspects even better. For that, I am grateful. You truly cannot have sweet without the bitter, for the bitter gives perspective that would otherwise be lost.

PS This is why I've been MIA of late:

Cute, isn't he?

oops...

I have a 12 page paper to write. 

By tomorrow at 4 p.m.

...

Yeeeeeah, I got nothing done over the break. 

Ready...GO.

dirty is just dirt with a "y" on the end...

Yesterday my family and I began the four hour drive to my grandparents' house in northeastern Utah, the majestic Flaming Gorge. No, they don't actually live at the reservoir, but they live a few miles away, in a little (tiny) community called Flaming Gorge Pines. They're about an hour north of Vernal, if that helps you orient yourself. Not very many people know about the Pines.

Due to an unhappy accident, the people who we asked to take care of the dogs at my parents' house didn't get a house key that works. And so, 2 hours after we'd arrived in the Pines, my dad and I volunteered to make the four hour trip back down to Orem to save the puppies.

While we were driving home, I mentioned some things that have been on my mind in an off-hand, nonchalant sort of way -- mostly about that one guy we call Aries and all of the trouble I've been having. Dad didn't say much, just told me that I shouldn't worry about another guy being like that because I learned and I won't let anyone treat me badly again. Then we got on the subject of other people's problems again, and I stopped talking, listening for the next two hours.

This morning on our way back up to the Pines (which only took 3 hours and 15 minutes this time), dad brought Aries up. Just out of nowhere, he started talking about the whole thing and then told me that maybe the only way I can get over it is by talking about it, "from start to finish, talk it through."

I nodded and went back to looking out the window. Dad touched my shoulder and said, "You can talk right now, if you'd like."

My whole self shut down. Really, I was overcome with a feeling of utter shame and embarrassment. All thoughts flew from my brain and I had no words. I almost felt like I was five-years-old again, caught covered from head to toe in black, sticky mud -- a dirty little child. But mud is fun, until you get in trouble. Aries wasn't fun. And even though things weren't entirely my fault, and nothing really bad happened, being asked about it by my dad was horrible.

I don't know why. Usually I can tell my dad everything, and it doesn't matter. Maybe because lately most people tell me not to talk about it, and I've gotten so used to just pretending that it doesn't bother me.

I don't know what to say. I don't know how to talk about this -- I don't even want to go through it from "start to finish."

Once again, as soon as someone asks me to tell them things, is willing to let me just talk, I have nothing to say. After this morning, I almost never want to discuss it again.

I don't like feeling so bad. Especially when things weren't completely my fault.

it's been a day...

I have discovered that if I get to campus 45 minutes before my classes start, I can get a parking spot near the bell tower, which cuts off almost half of the walk to my building from the parking lot. Which, all things considered, is very helpful for me right now.

My professor handed back the exams from last week. I got a B+. Considering I was praying for a C, I did fairly well.

Did 8 tutorials today -- which is a lot less than I usually do during a four hour shift. I've learned that if you take longer with a single student, you can explain things better for them and you do fewer tutorials throughout a shift (no crap, Sherlock). All the same...this job is exhausting.

Mom took me to lunch at the wrap shop on campus. Strawberry Fields wrap equals deliciousness.

There's a(nother) dress at the book store that I want. Note to self: stay away from the clothing sections in the book store. Or, stay out of the book store period.

Anthropology was a silent affair. Literally. Sat there for 39 minutes with no one speaking, and then one person timidly commented on something from the reading. Nothing for another 4 minutes. Then a second timid comment, after which the professor got up and left. The Quakers' practice of silent meetings is really getting to us.

2 hour study group after school and work for the next American Studies exam on Wednesday. Karina and Nelly are fantastic.

Bad and frustrating news from doctors -- I really dislike this whole mess.

My sister took me to Cafe Rio with her tonight -- such happiness. We talked about how stupid and confusing boys are. It was therapeutic. We both enjoyed ourselves immensely.

Going to Idaho on Thursday this week. Watch out, Rexburg. Gonna party all weekend long...with my textbooks and sleeping pills.

Oh, and I got stuck in the elevator today. Tried to walk out and found myself slammed into the back wall. Yeah -- my backpack strap had gotten caught on the handrail. Whatever.

santa jorge...

Okay, so I actually don't know how to say Saint George in Spanish (I Googled it and got three different ways to say it -- I don't know which one is right) but Santa Jorge is just so much fun to say!

Anyway. Last Thursday through Saturday I went to Saint George with Ann and Brianna. It was sunny and warm (dare I say hot) and beautiful. We found the Walmart, went swimming every night in the waterfall pool, made our own lazy river by running in circles around and around the circular hot tub (hence the circles we ran in), shot the heck out of each other with water guns, drove past the temple a couple of times, went mini golfing, played Deal or No Deal in the arcade, discovered that you can buy ice cream at the Dollar Tree, pretended to be Iron Man (or at least I did) while driving go-carts, made lasagna (frozen...haha) in our hotel room OVEN, took jumping pictures on the hill above the city, made paper cranes at the dinosaur museum, and did whatever we wanted whenever we wanted (except for when we ate breakfast -- you had to do that before 10am).

Here are some photos of the adventure:

Brianna with the lambs at the petting zoo near Scipio (how many prepositions can you use in one sentence, eh). They even had a zebra! It was a little guy.

Brianna's "hole in awesome!" Or in one, if you prefer.

Jumping downhill = a feeling very similar to when you tip your chair back too far and think you're going to die.

 

 

Driving the go-carts...just made it!

do you want MLA with that?

I got a phone call this morning. It was a really important phone call. It was a really, really important phone call.

Guess what?

You are getting this message from the desk of the newest BYU Writing Center intern (!!!).

I am beyond excited.

So excited that if I had money I'd go out and buy myself a pair of red high heels to celebrate.

St. George tomorrow morning, my friends. This girl is ready to party!

a little help...

A common expression I hear and use is "If you ever need any help with anything, please let me know!"

Well. The stuff I need help with is a little difficult when it comes to asking. I mean, who is going to drop what they're doing and help me clean my bedroom? Not because it's a huge job (*cough*) or because I can't do it by myself -- I don't really need someone to help me clean. It's more like I don't want to be by myself.

Same with homework. Nobody has time to come do homework with me. Besides, that's boring for the other person!

Late night phone calls, too. Or just phone calls in general...or face to face conversations. Either I'm too busy or too afraid to talk, or the other person is busy and I'll bother her/him. And so I don't call anybody. Besides...there isn't much to say.

Two weeks and one day until my semester and finals are over. Then off to St. George for a couple of days. Can. Not. Wait.

lately...

In the past week I have
...purchased and tested five different shades of lipstick
...hit 5,500 pins (and counting)
...not tripped once
...de-occupied Facebook
...cleaned started cleaning the bedroom
...written an 11 page paper in two days
...worn boots four days out of five
...almost cut my hair
...mopped the entire PartyLand floor -- twice
...eaten too much
...felt nothing and everything

I'm very much looking forward to finals. St. George trip, baby. I'm out of here.

lookin' back: 2011...

Wow. I can't believe the year is over! It went by so incredibly fast, I'm not even sure what happened in 2011 and what didn't! Thankfully I have thousands of pictures in seasonally categorized folders on my computer...if one picture is worth a thousand words, how many words are a thousand pictures worth? Hm...

LDC had Spring Retreat at the beginning of the year. This is my family group, the Dis-Harmonizers! We were the coolest anti-super hero group ever.


Meghan and Amanda performed in their first ever MVHS choir fundraising concert. It was really great to go back to my high school to see all of my still in high school buddies perform, and to see my sisters be spotlighted in each of their numbers.


Institute Date Night! I've made so many good friends through LDC and through Institute. It's been a huge blessing in my life.


Brianna, Shelby, and I got to go to a session of General Conference at the Conference Center. It was a grand adventure, complete with riding the Trax train. "What is that? It's the wrong shape for a bullet hole..." Good times!!


I graduated from UVU! Associate's Degree, baby! It wasn't a super huge deal, but it was a really great accomplishment for me.


LDC performed our spring show, The Family: A Musical Proclamation. This is the show that we were invited to perform in the Conference Center at Temple Square. It was a really amazing experience, to be able to work with professional sound and light crews, a real live stage manager, and to have a fully functioning stage to perform on. I loved every minute of it. Dream come true, to perform on that stage!


Choir tour!


One time Meghan forgot to get a group together for Morp. Adam and I helped her out by going as a second couple, even though we'd graduated a year before.


Jordan and Meghan...Peter Pan and Wendy.


Institute on parade!


Manti Pageant with my sisters and Jenni. It has always been one of my absolute favorite things to do in the summer. I'm so glad we got to go this year! It was the first time in nearly 3 years, and it was a total blast. Thanks to dad for driving us down and hanging out with all of us girls!


New job! Super fun.


Natalie's birthday adventure!


July brought saying good-bye to my best friend Jordan. He is currently serving in the Independence, Missouri mission, Spanish speaking. I honestly don't know where I would be without this kid. I love you, Elder Raddatz!!


The final installment of HARRY freakin' POTTER! Midnight showing, of course.


Summer vacation part one: the ZOO. Where we actually belong.


Summer vacation part two: LAGOON. Where only half of our family belongs...the rest get sick (myself included).


Summer vacation part three: GRANDMA'S HOUSE!! EVERYONE belongs at grandma's house.


A new year of LDC: new friends, new music, new experiences, same Spirit. This is a picture from fall retreat. White Power! I mean...uh...yeah. Try coming up with a cheer when you're the white group! It all comes out sounding racist.


Carrots and Choir Chica Sista, my two best girls. I love them so, so much. From heartbreak to hyperness, they've been there for me every step of the way this semester. BFF's!


LDC presents Mulan! Well...sort of.


On a whim I bought a fish. I named him Leonardo. Leonardo DiFishy.



Insert imaginary photo of new job at PartyLand!



Halloween!!


Fall photoshoot courtesy of Michelle. They're kind of super late senior pictures combined with pictures to use for audition packets. Thank you, Michelle!


Another photoshoot courtesy of Michelle. It was so great to be able to take pictures of all three of us together! Usually I'm the one behind the camera when it's me and my sisters, so this was great. Merry Christmas, mom and dad!


We got a dog and named her Molly. She's a gremlin. Seriously.


LDC performed with Michael McLean in The Forgotten Carols. It was an amazing experience.


Christmas-ing with Carrots at Blickenstaff's!


We're elves. You know...Christmas elves. Santa's little helpers.


It was a Charlie Brown Christmas.


LDC performed our Christmas show, A Silent Night. All of that music and the words came to mean a lot to me by the end of the run. It was a great experience, despite being strangely difficult for me personally. I'm really glad I have those memories.


Chillin' with the Eggletts, Brother and Sister Eggett's children. They are so stinkin' adorable! And all of them are so very kind. I love them!