taking it back...

I've missed writing because I've been super busy and felt like hiding away. So here is a long, truly scary confession post for me with *gasp* a photo with MAKE UP ON. 

Triggers here. Fyi.

I don't wear make up pretty much ever. If I do, it's basic mascara and some pink blush used as eyeshadow. Nondescript. Barely there. Fiance is cool with it - "You're naturally beautiful.  Women really are. I wish you - all of you - could see it too." Love him, right? Anyway. We did engagement photos a week ago, and so I did the thing you do and put on my face - and though I look very Jane Austen? I about had a panic attack walking out of the bookstore restroom to go meet up with our photographer.

Fiance immediately asked what was wrong - and I almost cried off my face as I told him I hate wearing make up. "People look at me more. They see me. Men see me. I want to be left alone. I don't want them to look at me." He was confused. And as I thought about it from his perspective - I found myself analyzing why I think this way.

Guy from high school who locked me in his car and threatened to rape me? He wouldn't let me wear make up. Or cute clothes. "I don't want other men to look at you. You're mine." Checking my phone, playing mind games, making me change outfits before dates if I looked "too hot." Don't be seen.

Supervisor who locked me in the janitor's closet with him. He let me go when I stared too hard at him, wide-eyed and more confused than scared. "Close your eyes, girl. What the hell you doin' with those?" Don't be seen.

Ex who repeatedly abused me for two years - "You attract so much attention just because of your face. Especially your eyes. Stop looking at me. Look down." "Take off the eyeliner, you look stupid." "Did you see that guy checking you out? Don't wear that shirt when we go places anymore." Don't be seen.

I've always been shy. Awkward. Looking at the ground. But to have a panic attack because I put on make up? Unable to breathe because my eyes shine? Afraid to show fiance my face when I put this stuff on because he might see something he's suddenly afraid of or made angry by and tell me to disappear? He wouldn't. He won't. But my crazy brain says he might - it's ridiculous.

So guess what? This cleansing confession post now has a DARE. A BIG ONE.

Be seen. With or without make up on. With or without a nice outfit. I'll Be Seen. I'll see others. I'll smile and laugh and walk with my head held high.

I'm taking back my face.

ZombieNite...

Remember that zombie music video I was a part of?

Well.

It's done.

Awesome, right?

By the way, I'm the zombie in the purple striped sweater (aka the one on the left side of the screen before you click "play" on the video). Dunno if you can see me, but I'm in there a few times!
Pretty epic to be a part of this. It was a lot of fun, and the finished product is really funny!

ZombieNight...

ZombieDay, more like.

First thing that I learned: liquid latex is cold and smells funny, and when it dries it pulls your skin tight and makes it difficult to move normally. I was given a wicked looking burn on my neck, and the range of motion in my neck was cut down by about a third! But it looked cool. It actually freaked some people out when it was fresh -- they said it looked like I'd actually been burned.

Beautiful, isn't it? Kirsten, the artist who did my make-up, was very thorough
(and no, she did not use a 2 x 4 to give me that bruise. Just paint, brushes, and sponges).

Second thing that I learned: wearing shredded, stained clothes and being covered in dirt and fake blood, bruises, burns, stab wounds, bullet holes, and other various injuries really brings people together. Barriers broken, people. So funny that friendships were started by people comparing their wounds and making up stories as to how they got them. Because when everyone looks like crap, it's really easy to fit in!

(side thing that I learned: it is much less awkward to have your clothes ripped apart by a woman than it is to have them shredded by a man -- that was weird)

Third thing that I learned: acting like a zombie takes more energy than a person might think, because pretending not to have control of your body takes a lot of control (I'm a bit sore today, actually -- kinda out of shape much?). Otherwise, you'll trip and face plant in the gravel. And then you'd actually be bruised and dirty and bloody. Funnily enough, I never tripped while being a zombie. Walking normally, yeah, I tripped a couple of times. Weird.

Got this during a narrow escape -- you should see how the other guy looks.

Fourth thing that I learned (or, in this case, was reinforced): filming for a movie is boring. I already knew that, but as I've never been part of a project like this, I didn't realize how boring it truly is. Take after take of doing the exact same thing, each take split up by the crew having to re-position cameras, light adjusters and filters, set pieces -- the other extras that had arrived at 7am and I took it upon ourselves to shout "BACK TO ONE!!!" before the camera crew could do so. It happened so often that we just began to expect it. Hearing "THAT'S A WRAP" on a take was the best moment ever. SHADE! And WATER! Not to mention we could sit down and talk to each other before we were called back to set again.

Fifth thing that I learned: no matter where I go, people I have never met before will tell me their life stories and ask me for advice. And random little children will come sit by me and talk to me about everything (one little zombie child brought a plate of Doritos over to the wall I was sitting against and plopped herself down next to me, then proceeded to tell me all about her school, her zombie costume that she wears at home for a dress-up, how she is "five now. I used to be four, but I'm not anymore," and that she wants a curly slide in her back yard, not a straight one), even though I don't even know their names.

I'm actually kind of surprised that the children on set weren't scared by the way us zombie grown-ups looked. When I was a child, I probably would have been terrified. Then again, Lassie Come Home gave me nightmares, so. Yeah.

Sixth thing that I learned: holding a baby is the best thing in the world. It's the only place that I feel really safe and peaceful. I spent several minutes holding Parker's baby niece, and I didn't want to give her back. She's such a precious little thing -- and for a little while, all was right in my world.

Seventh thing that I learned: don't wait until you're desperate to call someone for help. Just do it (thank you to friends who picked up -- you know who you are).

Remarkably, this all came off pretty easily. Two or three gentle washes with shampoo and presto! Gone.

Eighth thing that I learned: don't tug on the latex (yeah, don't do it) when trying to get it off. Just roll it off and it won't hurt as much (blah).

My zombie time has come to a close. There were good bits and bad bits, and I never quite got used to seeing people walking around with oozing cuts and gashes. But it was overall pretty fun and very different.

You're next.

Wrap it up and send it to a baby on Christmas, folks! This sequence of production is DONE!

lately...

In the past week I have
...purchased and tested five different shades of lipstick
...hit 5,500 pins (and counting)
...not tripped once
...de-occupied Facebook
...cleaned started cleaning the bedroom
...written an 11 page paper in two days
...worn boots four days out of five
...almost cut my hair
...mopped the entire PartyLand floor -- twice
...eaten too much
...felt nothing and everything

I'm very much looking forward to finals. St. George trip, baby. I'm out of here.

day 71...

a picture of what's in my make-up bag...

Or at least what's in make-up bag #1. Yes. I have more than one. It happens when one of your hobbies is theater.

PS I don't use everything in this picture. Some of it I just have because I forgot it was in there, and some of it I have no idea what to do with! Like the eye glitter...I've used it once for a dance, and now what? Lol.