I feel so fat.
Now, hear me out, hear me out.
I honestly have gained weight in the last six months. I've been trying to do more to manage it. Eat better (or eat in general), get more sleep, drink lots of water. The hardest part for me has been exercise.
Not for lack of trying. It's not that I don't exercise. It's that when I do, I end up stuck on my couch for two or three days because of the pain that follows.
Take today, for example. I had plans to clean the entire house from top to bottom, you know, to get it ready for when Chels comes home tomorrow. I had plans to bake cookies for her and Jeff, to welcome her home. I was going to go out for another half hour of interval training.
Nope.
I can barely walk -- I can barely even sit down.
And so, I'm sitting in my too tight jeans on the couch, doing homework while watching Cake Boss (because it's freakin' amazing how they make those cakes and I love it), trying not to curse myself and everything else out of frustration.
Because cursing doesn't help anything.
Does anyone have any ideas about how to get some exercise that doesn't leave me useless for days? Here's what I've tried so far:
yoga (yeah -- even that hurts -- :P )
walking
interval training
water aerobics
dance (of many kinds)
I'm going to try and bake cookies now. Yay!
Showing posts with label cleaning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cleaning. Show all posts
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
habits...
I've been thinking a lot about habits, and how uncomfortable I get when a habit of mine is broken. My roommate and I were talking about it in the car on the way to the grocery store (went shopping for the first time in a month today). We are both noticing that each of us do the same things at the same places (though we personally do different things). For example, when we go to Cafe Rio, we both get pork burritos without sauce and with cheese on the top. When we go to Wendy's, she always gets the same combo, and I always get the same combo. When we go to Target, we always go in the same door, and I always have to stop at the nail polish section to see if there are any new colors.
Those are just a few that we share. But I've noticed a lot of my own.
I never leave my bedroom in the morning without first washing my face and brushing my teeth. I hate skipping that. Same with going to bed; if I don't do those two things, I can't sleep. I do chores in the house in the same order every single time, with a set plan for timing and efficiency. Last night when I did all of the chores, I did them in the wrong order and got so thrown off that I almost started over.
I can't open my garage door until I've gotten in my car and shut the door. I take the same route through the grocery store every time I go, starting with produce and working my way section by section on my list (which is written according to the layout of the store). The dishes in the dishwasher are placed, when I load it, in the same spot every time. The pantry is organized by food type, as are the shelves in the fridge and freezer. So are my clothes in the drawers, and even in the closet.
And another really weird habit? I eat my sandwiches, meat, whatever it is, in circles. Seriously. I start on one side and work my way around in a circular direction until it's gone. I even spin my plate in circles (unless it's pasta, soup, or something that doesn't require cutting -- oatmeal would fall into this category, too). My food is particularly organized; so is Chelsea's. When I eat, cook, bake, shop, bag items in the store, put things away -- there is a system for everything that cannot be broken, or I get anxious.
There are all of these bizarre little quirky things that I've been noticing about myself. If I do things differently, it bothers me a lot. I will try new things, like food and places to have fun -- usually I do that out of fear of what others will think if I don't, rather than because I want a new experience.
I guess this realization is coming from trying to break other habits that are a serious problem. Not only that, but I'm trying to feel more -- that's my assignment, to allow myself to feel what I feel, rather than pushing it away or pretending (which sucks and I hate it). All of these weird rituals are truly that: weird.
Funny how I've lived with myself for nearly 21 years (gah, I'm getting older) and am just barely seeing things that I do every single day. I wonder why it's so much easier to observe other people's patterns of behavior than it is to observe our own.
What are your habits?
Those are just a few that we share. But I've noticed a lot of my own.
I never leave my bedroom in the morning without first washing my face and brushing my teeth. I hate skipping that. Same with going to bed; if I don't do those two things, I can't sleep. I do chores in the house in the same order every single time, with a set plan for timing and efficiency. Last night when I did all of the chores, I did them in the wrong order and got so thrown off that I almost started over.
I can't open my garage door until I've gotten in my car and shut the door. I take the same route through the grocery store every time I go, starting with produce and working my way section by section on my list (which is written according to the layout of the store). The dishes in the dishwasher are placed, when I load it, in the same spot every time. The pantry is organized by food type, as are the shelves in the fridge and freezer. So are my clothes in the drawers, and even in the closet.
And another really weird habit? I eat my sandwiches, meat, whatever it is, in circles. Seriously. I start on one side and work my way around in a circular direction until it's gone. I even spin my plate in circles (unless it's pasta, soup, or something that doesn't require cutting -- oatmeal would fall into this category, too). My food is particularly organized; so is Chelsea's. When I eat, cook, bake, shop, bag items in the store, put things away -- there is a system for everything that cannot be broken, or I get anxious.
There are all of these bizarre little quirky things that I've been noticing about myself. If I do things differently, it bothers me a lot. I will try new things, like food and places to have fun -- usually I do that out of fear of what others will think if I don't, rather than because I want a new experience.
I guess this realization is coming from trying to break other habits that are a serious problem. Not only that, but I'm trying to feel more -- that's my assignment, to allow myself to feel what I feel, rather than pushing it away or pretending (which sucks and I hate it). All of these weird rituals are truly that: weird.
Funny how I've lived with myself for nearly 21 years (gah, I'm getting older) and am just barely seeing things that I do every single day. I wonder why it's so much easier to observe other people's patterns of behavior than it is to observe our own.
What are your habits?
Sunday, August 19, 2012
lately...
...so confused on so many levels...so much so that I just try not to think
...school starts soon...soon as in way too soon
...there is way too much good music to enjoy it all fast enough -- same goes for books
...not sure why all of these engagements, weddings, and newborns make me kind of sad inside
...do I really feel left out or would I even want to go to things if I got invited anyway? maybe both...
...dunno how I'm going to survive the upcoming semester -- try not to stress out before you get your syllabi, okay, kiddo?
...did I just call myself kiddo?
...it was so much easier to handle things before you held me
...I've been cast as Zombie #10 in the music video -- kinda glad I went back and auditioned because this could be super fun
...made Cranberry BBQ meatballs in the crock pot yesterday and they were super delicious over rice
...DIDN'T answer a text message from someone and didn't even feel super guilty about it
...closed a chapter in my book of life, and will not be looking back -- wishing you the best of luck, Garrett (you may know him as Aries)
...got a call from Hannah yesterday morning asking me to come to the doctor's office where she was awaiting a verdict on her head injury -- yes, I was the one who held her hand while she got stitches and yes, I made it through the whole procedure without passing out (which is a huge deal for me [she's fine, by the way])
...inflated SO. MANY. BALLOONS. at work the past three days -- so over that dealio
...didn't do my room mate's dishes (did my own)
...cleaned the windows in the kitchen and the hallway -- pretty sure the interior windows haven't been cleaned in at least three years...gross
...watched The Swan Princess with Alyssa tonight -- "You should write a book: How to Offend Women in Five Syllables or Less."
...5:30am phone calls are a great way to start your day
...5:00pm phone calls are a great way to get through an afternoon
...picked up my textbooks -- all 19 of them (and they are so not worth three hundred and sixty-one dollars)
...another job: babysitting for a professor once or twice a week on my evenings off during the school year -- two adorable kids, $40-$50 a night, kids go to bed at 8pm, did I mention the kids are adorable?
...absolutely irritated with everything about people (or most people) and totally unsure why
...at peace with some parts of my life, like the fact that the whole Garrett thing is mostly over for me
...high anxiety due to my trip to the college today -- I don't want to go back to school...I so do not want to go back to school with 33,000 students and hours of homework and everything that college entails
...better about dad's situation because things are definitely looking up
...missing you a lot -- darn you
...like it would be great to throw something and listen to it shatter (but that is violent and I won't do it)
...sleep deprived!
Saturday, August 4, 2012
life is still good...
I've noticed lately that the things I've been writing about have been
a) sad
b) depressing
c) negative
d) all of the above
If you circled "d" then you would be most correct.
After debating whether or not I should apologize, I realized that apologizing would be a little silly. Why apologize for being sincere about how you feel?
However, I do recognize that not all of life is as bad as it may seem. That and I'm trying to keep myself from being extremely irritated and frustrated with people. Short plug for being considerate: just do it. Please. Think about what you're doing and how it effects (affects?) others before you do it. Don't cut in line, rinse your dishes, stop at stop signs, say thank you, pull your weight as much as you can before letting someone do for you what you can do for yourself. Thanks.
Mini rant over. On to the next.
Last night I did something fun on a Friday night for the first time in awhile. I had planned to go to the gym after work, then make dinner, scrub the kitchen, clean my bathroom, read my book, and go to bed around 11:30. My plans totally changed when Linnea asked if I wanted to watch the last two episodes of Sherlock, season 2. How could I possibly say no?
We made a delicious dinner of chicken Parmesan wraps (Pinterest wins again) and cold watermelon, followed by kettle corn (yes -- I did eat a bag and a half by myself) and Snickerdoodles. Sherlock was delightful -- I was absolutely terrified during "The Hound of Baskervilles." I screamed at least four times. "The Reichenbach Fall" wasn't frightening, but it was very fun to be able to follow Sherlock's line of evidence. I was right with him every step of the case. Until, you know, Moriarty pulled that one stunt at the end (I may have screamed then, too).
A late night drive with Kala rounded up the festivities at about 2am. I took her with me when I dropped Linnea off at her home. Kala doesn't get out much, and she likes to go for rides in the car (and I was also glad to have her along to help me not imagine giant black hounds with red eyes tearing out of the bushes around the complex when I got back home).
Today was a good day, too. I woke up feeling very sad again, so I got dressed and went to work on the house. Bathroom scrubbed, kitchen counters and cabinets wiped down, floors swept and mopped, dishes done, laundry started, room straightened, meals prepped, stove top washed -- all in an hour and fifteen minutes. By then I realized I was hungry (that happens a lot now). Wash spinach and drain, rinse strawberries and slice, shred chicken, chop nuts, pour poppy seed dressing, toss together -- salad for eating! Let's just say it was delicious and I might make another tomorrow.
Work with Alyssa and Hannah was a blast. We got almost everything on Tracy's list completed (and mind you, there were about 20 items to do), accidentally ripped up the puzzle piece flooring with the weight of our candy laden carts, climbed up and down ladders hanging hats from the ceiling and stowing boxes of candy on shelves (each box weighs nearly 40 pounds -- carrying 20 of those up a ladder is quite the workout), and just worked hard in general. It's always great to have things to do during a shift, rather than standing around waiting for customers to come in and need help.
Hannah asked if she could come to my house after the shift was over. We ate cold watermelon and made chocolate milk with the Hershey's syrup I keep stowed away in the fridge. Kala kept us entertained with her old lady antics (she lacks manners in some cases), until we finally were laughing so hard we couldn't breath. Pretty soon we got to talking about how she's been doing lately, and then she started asking me questions about Garrett. Half an hour later I'd told her a lot of things I've been keeping back, and I felt badly that I'd spent so much time talking about myself. But she said something that made me feel really happy inside. She smiled and said, "I don't mind. I like to listen. It means that you trust me."
I do trust her. I trust her, and Alyssa, and Linnea -- they're coworkers, yes, but more importantly, they're my friends. We have fun, we have hard times, and we're there for each other when we need each other. And even if we don't need each other, we're there when we want company.
Things are okay. Life is still good. It's hard, and I'm still sad a lot and don't know why, but life is good. Walking through the parking lot tonight in the cool evening air, the night breeze sweet and fresh, the flowers curling into sleep, the stars peeking through the clouds, all I could think about was how good it feels to be alive.
a) sad
b) depressing
c) negative
d) all of the above
If you circled "d" then you would be most correct.
After debating whether or not I should apologize, I realized that apologizing would be a little silly. Why apologize for being sincere about how you feel?
However, I do recognize that not all of life is as bad as it may seem. That and I'm trying to keep myself from being extremely irritated and frustrated with people. Short plug for being considerate: just do it. Please. Think about what you're doing and how it effects (affects?) others before you do it. Don't cut in line, rinse your dishes, stop at stop signs, say thank you, pull your weight as much as you can before letting someone do for you what you can do for yourself. Thanks.
Mini rant over. On to the next.
Last night I did something fun on a Friday night for the first time in awhile. I had planned to go to the gym after work, then make dinner, scrub the kitchen, clean my bathroom, read my book, and go to bed around 11:30. My plans totally changed when Linnea asked if I wanted to watch the last two episodes of Sherlock, season 2. How could I possibly say no?
We made a delicious dinner of chicken Parmesan wraps (Pinterest wins again) and cold watermelon, followed by kettle corn (yes -- I did eat a bag and a half by myself) and Snickerdoodles. Sherlock was delightful -- I was absolutely terrified during "The Hound of Baskervilles." I screamed at least four times. "The Reichenbach Fall" wasn't frightening, but it was very fun to be able to follow Sherlock's line of evidence. I was right with him every step of the case. Until, you know, Moriarty pulled that one stunt at the end (I may have screamed then, too).
A late night drive with Kala rounded up the festivities at about 2am. I took her with me when I dropped Linnea off at her home. Kala doesn't get out much, and she likes to go for rides in the car (and I was also glad to have her along to help me not imagine giant black hounds with red eyes tearing out of the bushes around the complex when I got back home).
Today was a good day, too. I woke up feeling very sad again, so I got dressed and went to work on the house. Bathroom scrubbed, kitchen counters and cabinets wiped down, floors swept and mopped, dishes done, laundry started, room straightened, meals prepped, stove top washed -- all in an hour and fifteen minutes. By then I realized I was hungry (that happens a lot now). Wash spinach and drain, rinse strawberries and slice, shred chicken, chop nuts, pour poppy seed dressing, toss together -- salad for eating! Let's just say it was delicious and I might make another tomorrow.
Work with Alyssa and Hannah was a blast. We got almost everything on Tracy's list completed (and mind you, there were about 20 items to do), accidentally ripped up the puzzle piece flooring with the weight of our candy laden carts, climbed up and down ladders hanging hats from the ceiling and stowing boxes of candy on shelves (each box weighs nearly 40 pounds -- carrying 20 of those up a ladder is quite the workout), and just worked hard in general. It's always great to have things to do during a shift, rather than standing around waiting for customers to come in and need help.
Hannah asked if she could come to my house after the shift was over. We ate cold watermelon and made chocolate milk with the Hershey's syrup I keep stowed away in the fridge. Kala kept us entertained with her old lady antics (she lacks manners in some cases), until we finally were laughing so hard we couldn't breath. Pretty soon we got to talking about how she's been doing lately, and then she started asking me questions about Garrett. Half an hour later I'd told her a lot of things I've been keeping back, and I felt badly that I'd spent so much time talking about myself. But she said something that made me feel really happy inside. She smiled and said, "I don't mind. I like to listen. It means that you trust me."
I do trust her. I trust her, and Alyssa, and Linnea -- they're coworkers, yes, but more importantly, they're my friends. We have fun, we have hard times, and we're there for each other when we need each other. And even if we don't need each other, we're there when we want company.
Things are okay. Life is still good. It's hard, and I'm still sad a lot and don't know why, but life is good. Walking through the parking lot tonight in the cool evening air, the night breeze sweet and fresh, the flowers curling into sleep, the stars peeking through the clouds, all I could think about was how good it feels to be alive.
"Remember today, little brother. Today, life is good." -Boromir, LOTR
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
q and a, yes or no...
Do the new shoes that you bought pinch your feet?
Yes.
Did they in the store when you tried them?
Yes. A little. Yes.
But you bought them anyway?
Yes.
Did you really spend $115 on a hair straightener yesterday?
Yes. Yes, I did.
Did you have the money to buy it?
No. No, I didn't.
Did you even want the straightener?
... No.
Did you talk to that boy yesterday?
Yes.
For 2 hours?
Yes indeed.
Did you send a text about how you like this boy to your sister?
No.
Did you send it to the boy by accident?
... Yes.
You feel like an idiot now, don't you?
.................... Yes.
Do you realize that you don't "like" this boy?
.................................... Yes.
Did you vacuum the floor like you said you would?
No. No, I didn't.
Did you do the dishes?
No.
Did you sleep last night?
No.
Is it because the pain killers didn't help at all?
Yes.
You still haven't called that doctor, have you?
No. I haven't.
Do you realize that you're a mess right now?
... Yes.
Has there been anything good that happened in the last 24 hours?
YES.
Did the guy who attacked Callie really get 20 years in prison rather than just 15?
Why, yes, actually. Yes, he did.
Yes.
Did they in the store when you tried them?
Yes. A little. Yes.
But you bought them anyway?
Yes.
Did you really spend $115 on a hair straightener yesterday?
Yes. Yes, I did.
Did you have the money to buy it?
No. No, I didn't.
Did you even want the straightener?
... No.
Did you talk to that boy yesterday?
Yes.
For 2 hours?
Yes indeed.
Did you send a text about how you like this boy to your sister?
No.
Did you send it to the boy by accident?
... Yes.
You feel like an idiot now, don't you?
.................... Yes.
Do you realize that you don't "like" this boy?
.................................... Yes.
Did you vacuum the floor like you said you would?
No. No, I didn't.
Did you do the dishes?
No.
Did you sleep last night?
No.
Is it because the pain killers didn't help at all?
Yes.
You still haven't called that doctor, have you?
No. I haven't.
Do you realize that you're a mess right now?
... Yes.
Has there been anything good that happened in the last 24 hours?
YES.
Did the guy who attacked Callie really get 20 years in prison rather than just 15?
Why, yes, actually. Yes, he did.
Monday, July 2, 2012
still a student...
I've been thinking a lot about the first lesson post I wrote. About worrying less about how my life looks to others and more about how it feels to me.
By no means am I a master of this principle, or any of the others that I have written about. I often find myself thinking and acting in ways that are completely against the things I am trying to learn. Sometimes I stop short and tell myself, HEY! Remember that one time when you thought of that one thing and you were going to work on it and become better? Well...better remember it now and QUIT STOPPING YOURSELF FROM PROGRESSING.
Anyway. For example. I've been spending a lot of time on my own lately in the House. Natalie and I see each other in the evenings for a few minutes, sometimes for an hour, but most of the time we're just two friends sharing living space. We both work a lot, I at my three jobs and Natalie at her job and in her volunteering.
This time alone hasn't been lonely time. I rarely find myself feeling sad or upset. Instead, I have found that I am able to get a lot of things done: keeping up with the housework and making sure things are nice; playing with my dog; adventuring with friends; reading; writing; cooking; thinking; singing; perhaps soon drawing.
While I was in the kitchen today, boiling eggs by myself for the first time ever, I stopped and looked around me. Here I am, I thought, boiling eggs and planning meals for the week, debating on whether or not to make a cake or brownies, brainstorming potential primary lessons, cleaning the kitchen, singing hymns and talking to my dog in my Snow White voice, musing on life and its mysteries, mentally checking to see if my camera is ready for tomorrow morning, and trying to figure out which big chore I'm going to complete on Friday night. I looked around the kitchen again and thought, I LOVE my life!
Then another not-so-kind voice (which sounded remarkably like one of the people who works in the same building that I do) said, Yep. You're a total Molly Mormon. You just keep on proving it. You are doing nothing important with your life except cleaning the house, cooking the food, and thinking about the Gospel. Oh my gosh, LOOK AT YOU! You are so NOT awesome. DO SOMETHING with your life, okay? Jeez.
And for a minute, I started to be ashamed. I remembered all of those things that person told me a few weeks ago, telling me that (and I quote/paraphrase) "your life is so boring -- don't you do anything worthwhile at all?" and "wow, you are such a Molly Mormon -- you like teaching primary. And cake pops, seriously?" and "next time you make a decision you should think for yourself, instead of relying on the misguided examples of other people."
Remembering those things she said brought me spiraling downwards. I hated myself. Even though I had been angry when she'd said all of those things to me, I believed her words for a second. I AM boring, I thought. I am everything she said I am -- I SHOULDN'T like these things. I should be more adventurous and daring, maybe try something new. I probably shouldn't even like Disney movies.
But as I looked at my reflection in the Kitchen Aid that I was putting back in place, I thought of what I'd proclaimed to have learned. WHO CARES if that person thinks I'm a Molly Mormon? WHO CARES if my life appears boring to her? It isn't boring to me! I like my life. I like teaching primary and making cake pops. I like doing dishes (sometimes) and singing and boiling eggs and cleaning and playing with my dog. I like the way I am. Besides, that person has no idea where I've come from and what kinds of decisions I've made.
You know what? This is my life to live. It isn't hers.
We are all students of life. The person who said those things is learning about life, just as I am. We're both in different places and taking different roads. What I need to remember and continue to practice thinking is that though others may tell me that the life I live is boring and housewife-ish, it doesn't matter. What they think doesn't matter. I feel comfortable this way. I feel happy this way. All of these things bring me joy, and to me they are worthwhile.
I don't plan to change the world. I plan to change myself. That is what is most important.
By no means am I a master of this principle, or any of the others that I have written about. I often find myself thinking and acting in ways that are completely against the things I am trying to learn. Sometimes I stop short and tell myself, HEY! Remember that one time when you thought of that one thing and you were going to work on it and become better? Well...better remember it now and QUIT STOPPING YOURSELF FROM PROGRESSING.
Not all of the voices in my head are particularly kind.
Anyway. For example. I've been spending a lot of time on my own lately in the House. Natalie and I see each other in the evenings for a few minutes, sometimes for an hour, but most of the time we're just two friends sharing living space. We both work a lot, I at my three jobs and Natalie at her job and in her volunteering.
This time alone hasn't been lonely time. I rarely find myself feeling sad or upset. Instead, I have found that I am able to get a lot of things done: keeping up with the housework and making sure things are nice; playing with my dog; adventuring with friends; reading; writing; cooking; thinking; singing; perhaps soon drawing.
While I was in the kitchen today, boiling eggs by myself for the first time ever, I stopped and looked around me. Here I am, I thought, boiling eggs and planning meals for the week, debating on whether or not to make a cake or brownies, brainstorming potential primary lessons, cleaning the kitchen, singing hymns and talking to my dog in my Snow White voice, musing on life and its mysteries, mentally checking to see if my camera is ready for tomorrow morning, and trying to figure out which big chore I'm going to complete on Friday night. I looked around the kitchen again and thought, I LOVE my life!
Then another not-so-kind voice (which sounded remarkably like one of the people who works in the same building that I do) said, Yep. You're a total Molly Mormon. You just keep on proving it. You are doing nothing important with your life except cleaning the house, cooking the food, and thinking about the Gospel. Oh my gosh, LOOK AT YOU! You are so NOT awesome. DO SOMETHING with your life, okay? Jeez.
And for a minute, I started to be ashamed. I remembered all of those things that person told me a few weeks ago, telling me that (and I quote/paraphrase) "your life is so boring -- don't you do anything worthwhile at all?" and "wow, you are such a Molly Mormon -- you like teaching primary. And cake pops, seriously?" and "next time you make a decision you should think for yourself, instead of relying on the misguided examples of other people."
Remembering those things she said brought me spiraling downwards. I hated myself. Even though I had been angry when she'd said all of those things to me, I believed her words for a second. I AM boring, I thought. I am everything she said I am -- I SHOULDN'T like these things. I should be more adventurous and daring, maybe try something new. I probably shouldn't even like Disney movies.
But as I looked at my reflection in the Kitchen Aid that I was putting back in place, I thought of what I'd proclaimed to have learned. WHO CARES if that person thinks I'm a Molly Mormon? WHO CARES if my life appears boring to her? It isn't boring to me! I like my life. I like teaching primary and making cake pops. I like doing dishes (sometimes) and singing and boiling eggs and cleaning and playing with my dog. I like the way I am. Besides, that person has no idea where I've come from and what kinds of decisions I've made.
You know what? This is my life to live. It isn't hers.
We are all students of life. The person who said those things is learning about life, just as I am. We're both in different places and taking different roads. What I need to remember and continue to practice thinking is that though others may tell me that the life I live is boring and housewife-ish, it doesn't matter. What they think doesn't matter. I feel comfortable this way. I feel happy this way. All of these things bring me joy, and to me they are worthwhile.
I don't plan to change the world. I plan to change myself. That is what is most important.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
weekend recap...
So looking back at my posts and journal entries from the past 8 days, it was a hard week. Everything has been so stressful and scary, with the Move and the Beast and the internship. Then there's been all of the weirdness that happens in my own mind...I worry a lot (no way!). All of those things put together with being alone a lot of the time made for a rough few days.
HOWEVER. This weekend was absolutely the most wonderful weekend I've had in a long time.
Friday:
...went to Brianna's apartment for the first time and it was a bit of an adventure finding it...I was close though! Three doors down from the right one close.
...Brianna and I played with Misty and Molly for half an hour or so when we got to my house. The puppies love her lots! She's super cute with dogs -- I think she needs one.
...after playing with the dogs, we went through a bunch of stuff in my room. I don't know why it's easier for me to make decisions when there's someone else in the same room, even if we're not talking much. I guess it comes back down to being alone vs. being with a friend. We got rid of so much stuff! A whole box full of books, clothes, shoes, old toys, and other things went to DI, and a big garbage bag was tossed into the bin outside.
...shout out to Brianna -- she's the best friend a girl could ask for. Seriously. I don't think I've ever met a kinder, more generous, helpful, loving person in my life. Love you, pretty lady! Choir-chica-sistas for life!
...Ann came over too! And since it was National Doughnut Day (see? there are so many awesome, random holidays -- remember June 2), we braved the crazy Krispy Kreme parking lot and the even crazier line to get a dozen doughnuts. In honor of the day, the store gave every customer one free doughnut. I saw one with red, white, and blue sprinkles and, well...I had to have it. And by the way, if you ever get a chance to try a key lime pie doughnut, DO IT.
...doughnut purchase was followed by Del Taco purchase. Um...way better than Taco Bell. It actually tastes good in your mouth and not just in your imagination.
...Ann received a new nickname. She's Churro Snob, because she'll only willingly eat a churro from Disneyland (where she's going next week for her birthday -- lucky duck).
...Muppet Treasure Island watching began. Ann and I sang along -- we both know almost all of the words to every song. And all of the lines. Is that sad or epic?
...shout out to Ann -- she is such a fun, adventurous thing, and I'm so lucky to have her in my life! Carrots forever!
...found out that Parker would be in town for the weekend! And it was HIS idea to do something before he left. Not mine. SO. EXCITED. It was dumb how excited I was, but who cares. When one of your closest friends is 5 and a half hours away and you haven't seen him in over a month, it's okay to be silly and giddy.
Saturday:
...though I didn't get to bed until 2am, I fell asleep!! Until TEN. So great.
...$22 in tips at the snow shack. One guy came with his girlfriend and his girlfriend's 4 little siblings, and he tipped me 25% of his bill and thanked me for being so patient. They were probably the least problematic customers I've ever had! They were all so super nice. Then another lady recognized me because I look so much like my mom, and she tipped me nicely too. And another guy who only said what size he wanted and the flavor tipped me well also. It was a pretty good day.
...almost literally ran into Taylor Otteson outside the snow shack. It's been forever since I've seen him! Wow...home from his mission and running his own landscaping business and going to the Y. We're all growing up.
...the new clothes that I got fit perfectly! Two skirts, a dress, two lacy blouses, a sweater (I told myself I wouldn't buy anymore sweaters, but it always ends up happening -- I should never shop when I'm cold...like that's going to ever happen), a flower print top, and a white peasant blouse with blue embroidery. Happy girl!
...my outfit yesterday night? It was pretty cute, if I do say so myself.
...the play that I went to with my family was kind of boring, but the costumes were really cool. I got to talk to one of the actors after the show, who I've met before through a mutual friend, and we talked about LDC and stuff. I dunno if I should go back next year...
...HE CALLED ME!!!
...met up with Parker, Roland, and their friend Emily at Yogurtland, and then Parker told me that I'd have to see The Avengers 8 times instead of 7 because that's what we were going to do. And so we did.
...watching The Avengers with someone who hasn't seen it is so much fun. Parker was laughing his head off! He's great to watch movies with, because his reactions are hilarious. It was really great to hear him laugh and to see him smile so much. He looks a lot happier than he was before he left.
...may I just say that I hate saying good-bye? But this good-bye wasn't so bad. Being wrapped up in a giant hug, hearing somebody else say that he misses you, and you can tell he means it. Then being reassured that you'll get to talk soon, and that he'll be back in a month. And then, as you walk away, he looks back at the same time you do (that's never happened before -- it was really cool). That's not a bad good-bye. That's a happy good-bye. More of a see ya later.
...shout out to Parker -- I am SO grateful to have him as a friend. My coworkers often comment on what an odd pairing we are, but you know, we really aren't that odd. We just love each other. It happens sometimes.
Sunday:
...I slept again! Yes!
...helped teach the music in Singing Time today -- it was kind of fun to stand up in front of all the kids and help them learn the song.
...my class was AWESOME today. They were so reverent, and so helpful. I had two classes, mine and another teacher's, so I had ten children in all. It was absolutely wonderful. I haven't loved teaching Primary as much as I did today. They were just so GOOD. They're always good, but today was amazing. I love those kidlets.
...Regan, one of the little girls, came up to explain her picture that she drew. Here is what she said:
"I have a friend named Nick, and we love each other, but it won't work
out yet because he's 15 so we made chocolate pudding and he loves me."
Regan, my love -- you are five years old. Don't try to grow up too fast, okay?
...3 hour nap, blueberry bagels, lack of useless stuff in my room, yay!
...played with Molly and Misty for a little while. Here is Misty's status update (yeah, my dog has a Facebook -- it's a long story):
"So this one time I was just laying on the floor in Georgie's room,
minding my own business, and out of NOWHERE this other dog flew off the bed
behind me and landed right on top of me. I swear she did it on purpose. #ughSOMETIMES..."
It was hilarious. I almost think that Molly aimed...
...Kelly Clarkson's song "Dark Side" = OH. EM. GEE. It's almost like she took my life and wrote a song about it. Guys...Kelly must read my blog! Haha, just kidding.
I'll admit it. This song brought me to tears. And all I can say is...
WOW.
This was a bit of a long recap...and no pictures. If you made it this far, you are awesome. If you didn't, you're still awesome -- you just don't know about it because you're not reading this. Heehee!
Great weekend. So grateful.
HOWEVER. This weekend was absolutely the most wonderful weekend I've had in a long time.
Friday:
...went to Brianna's apartment for the first time and it was a bit of an adventure finding it...I was close though! Three doors down from the right one close.
...Brianna and I played with Misty and Molly for half an hour or so when we got to my house. The puppies love her lots! She's super cute with dogs -- I think she needs one.
...after playing with the dogs, we went through a bunch of stuff in my room. I don't know why it's easier for me to make decisions when there's someone else in the same room, even if we're not talking much. I guess it comes back down to being alone vs. being with a friend. We got rid of so much stuff! A whole box full of books, clothes, shoes, old toys, and other things went to DI, and a big garbage bag was tossed into the bin outside.
...shout out to Brianna -- she's the best friend a girl could ask for. Seriously. I don't think I've ever met a kinder, more generous, helpful, loving person in my life. Love you, pretty lady! Choir-chica-sistas for life!
...Ann came over too! And since it was National Doughnut Day (see? there are so many awesome, random holidays -- remember June 2), we braved the crazy Krispy Kreme parking lot and the even crazier line to get a dozen doughnuts. In honor of the day, the store gave every customer one free doughnut. I saw one with red, white, and blue sprinkles and, well...I had to have it. And by the way, if you ever get a chance to try a key lime pie doughnut, DO IT.
...doughnut purchase was followed by Del Taco purchase. Um...way better than Taco Bell. It actually tastes good in your mouth and not just in your imagination.
...Ann received a new nickname. She's Churro Snob, because she'll only willingly eat a churro from Disneyland (where she's going next week for her birthday -- lucky duck).
...Muppet Treasure Island watching began. Ann and I sang along -- we both know almost all of the words to every song. And all of the lines. Is that sad or epic?
...shout out to Ann -- she is such a fun, adventurous thing, and I'm so lucky to have her in my life! Carrots forever!
...found out that Parker would be in town for the weekend! And it was HIS idea to do something before he left. Not mine. SO. EXCITED. It was dumb how excited I was, but who cares. When one of your closest friends is 5 and a half hours away and you haven't seen him in over a month, it's okay to be silly and giddy.
Saturday:
...though I didn't get to bed until 2am, I fell asleep!! Until TEN. So great.
...$22 in tips at the snow shack. One guy came with his girlfriend and his girlfriend's 4 little siblings, and he tipped me 25% of his bill and thanked me for being so patient. They were probably the least problematic customers I've ever had! They were all so super nice. Then another lady recognized me because I look so much like my mom, and she tipped me nicely too. And another guy who only said what size he wanted and the flavor tipped me well also. It was a pretty good day.
...almost literally ran into Taylor Otteson outside the snow shack. It's been forever since I've seen him! Wow...home from his mission and running his own landscaping business and going to the Y. We're all growing up.
...the new clothes that I got fit perfectly! Two skirts, a dress, two lacy blouses, a sweater (I told myself I wouldn't buy anymore sweaters, but it always ends up happening -- I should never shop when I'm cold...like that's going to ever happen), a flower print top, and a white peasant blouse with blue embroidery. Happy girl!
...my outfit yesterday night? It was pretty cute, if I do say so myself.
...the play that I went to with my family was kind of boring, but the costumes were really cool. I got to talk to one of the actors after the show, who I've met before through a mutual friend, and we talked about LDC and stuff. I dunno if I should go back next year...
...HE CALLED ME!!!
...met up with Parker, Roland, and their friend Emily at Yogurtland, and then Parker told me that I'd have to see The Avengers 8 times instead of 7 because that's what we were going to do. And so we did.
...watching The Avengers with someone who hasn't seen it is so much fun. Parker was laughing his head off! He's great to watch movies with, because his reactions are hilarious. It was really great to hear him laugh and to see him smile so much. He looks a lot happier than he was before he left.
...may I just say that I hate saying good-bye? But this good-bye wasn't so bad. Being wrapped up in a giant hug, hearing somebody else say that he misses you, and you can tell he means it. Then being reassured that you'll get to talk soon, and that he'll be back in a month. And then, as you walk away, he looks back at the same time you do (that's never happened before -- it was really cool). That's not a bad good-bye. That's a happy good-bye. More of a see ya later.
...shout out to Parker -- I am SO grateful to have him as a friend. My coworkers often comment on what an odd pairing we are, but you know, we really aren't that odd. We just love each other. It happens sometimes.
Sunday:
...I slept again! Yes!
...helped teach the music in Singing Time today -- it was kind of fun to stand up in front of all the kids and help them learn the song.
...my class was AWESOME today. They were so reverent, and so helpful. I had two classes, mine and another teacher's, so I had ten children in all. It was absolutely wonderful. I haven't loved teaching Primary as much as I did today. They were just so GOOD. They're always good, but today was amazing. I love those kidlets.
...Regan, one of the little girls, came up to explain her picture that she drew. Here is what she said:
out yet because he's 15 so we made chocolate pudding and he loves me."
Regan, my love -- you are five years old. Don't try to grow up too fast, okay?
...3 hour nap, blueberry bagels, lack of useless stuff in my room, yay!
...played with Molly and Misty for a little while. Here is Misty's status update (yeah, my dog has a Facebook -- it's a long story):
minding my own business, and out of NOWHERE this other dog flew off the bed
behind me and landed right on top of me. I swear she did it on purpose. #ughSOMETIMES..."
It was hilarious. I almost think that Molly aimed...
...Kelly Clarkson's song "Dark Side" = OH. EM. GEE. It's almost like she took my life and wrote a song about it. Guys...Kelly must read my blog! Haha, just kidding.
WOW.
This was a bit of a long recap...and no pictures. If you made it this far, you are awesome. If you didn't, you're still awesome -- you just don't know about it because you're not reading this. Heehee!
Saturday, March 3, 2012
lately...
...purchased and tested five different shades of lipstick
...hit 5,500 pins (and counting)
...not tripped once
...de-occupied Facebook
...
...written an 11 page paper in two days
...worn boots four days out of five
...almost cut my hair
...mopped the entire PartyLand floor -- twice
...eaten too much
...felt nothing and everything
Sunday, February 12, 2012
disconnect...
Sometimes when I see a picture of myself I stare at it, amazed to see that I'm pretty. Then I look in the mirror and feel like crying.
Being without a voice makes me realize how much I talk on a day to day basis. It also makes me wonder how much of it is ever worth saying, and if I'm just wasting others' time.
No matter how hard I try to be a good primary teacher, I don't feel like I'm making any difference in the kids' lives. I can't get them to behave and they're probably not learning anything at all.
Suddenly men are paying attention to me a lot, not all of it in the "just friends" manner that I'm used to. While it's nice to have friends, it's not nice to be unsure all of the sudden about where all of this is going. I don't want to hurt anyone. Or be hurt, for that matter. Be careful what you wish for. Meh.
I worry too much and I sleep too little because of it. Even when I do "fall asleep" I'm still constantly aware of what's going on around me. The slightest sound or movement brings me jerking out of that place just between waking and dreams, the place where you're trapped between the real and the surreal.
Homework. Busywork, more like. Sick of it. Sick of tests. Sick of this thing called "learning" that really isn't. People don't learn this way. They learn by doing, not by being told what others learned or how someone else did something. Or at least that's how I learn. Like to learn...I don't know.
I never want to be the person who everyone at work hates to work with. I never want to be the manager or supervisor or employer who everyone secretly fears and dislikes. Why would anyone want to be that way? I don't understand why people with "power" use it to intimidate and threaten instead of to empower and educate.
That awkward moment when your mother is right: I am the most selfish person ever. She is right, really.
Sadness vs. Depression: sadness is like a stitch in your side after running very fast for a long time. You can keep living and handling things just fine until you reach a certain point, and then it starts to hurt. Depression, on the other is a constant pain, so constant that it becomes habit. It's a pain so deep that you may not even know it's there because you have nothing else to compare it to. Sadness is comparable. Depression is just heavy.
Every time I go for something I really want, I instantly feel total regret after starting the process. It's like I beat myself up for even daring to hope for something good to come of it. Why should good come to me? I'm no one special. And then after that thought I feel horribly guilty. Recipe for giving up.
My room is a disaster. I started to clean it. Then I sat down in the middle of the pile of clothes on my floor and cried.
Gosh, I am such a...ugh. Sick of this. Especially the crying part.
Water is underrated. Just saying.
Being without a voice makes me realize how much I talk on a day to day basis. It also makes me wonder how much of it is ever worth saying, and if I'm just wasting others' time.
No matter how hard I try to be a good primary teacher, I don't feel like I'm making any difference in the kids' lives. I can't get them to behave and they're probably not learning anything at all.
Suddenly men are paying attention to me a lot, not all of it in the "just friends" manner that I'm used to. While it's nice to have friends, it's not nice to be unsure all of the sudden about where all of this is going. I don't want to hurt anyone. Or be hurt, for that matter. Be careful what you wish for. Meh.
I worry too much and I sleep too little because of it. Even when I do "fall asleep" I'm still constantly aware of what's going on around me. The slightest sound or movement brings me jerking out of that place just between waking and dreams, the place where you're trapped between the real and the surreal.
Homework. Busywork, more like. Sick of it. Sick of tests. Sick of this thing called "learning" that really isn't. People don't learn this way. They learn by doing, not by being told what others learned or how someone else did something. Or at least that's how I learn. Like to learn...I don't know.
I never want to be the person who everyone at work hates to work with. I never want to be the manager or supervisor or employer who everyone secretly fears and dislikes. Why would anyone want to be that way? I don't understand why people with "power" use it to intimidate and threaten instead of to empower and educate.
That awkward moment when your mother is right: I am the most selfish person ever. She is right, really.
Sadness vs. Depression: sadness is like a stitch in your side after running very fast for a long time. You can keep living and handling things just fine until you reach a certain point, and then it starts to hurt. Depression, on the other is a constant pain, so constant that it becomes habit. It's a pain so deep that you may not even know it's there because you have nothing else to compare it to. Sadness is comparable. Depression is just heavy.
Every time I go for something I really want, I instantly feel total regret after starting the process. It's like I beat myself up for even daring to hope for something good to come of it. Why should good come to me? I'm no one special. And then after that thought I feel horribly guilty. Recipe for giving up.
My room is a disaster. I started to clean it. Then I sat down in the middle of the pile of clothes on my floor and cried.
Gosh, I am such a...ugh. Sick of this. Especially the crying part.
Water is underrated. Just saying.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
attack...
My last final for the semester was this morning. I finished it in about ten minutes, due to the fact that all of the questions and answers were taken directly from the quizzes given throughout the semester. After taking the test I walked to my car, drove home, went to my bedroom, and stood in the middle of the floor looking around. Here are the thoughts I had:
This room...disaster. How did I let it get this bad? Hm...I have no more homework to do. I have no tests to study for. I have no papers to write. I have nothing to read. I have nowhere to go. I will probably be very bored in about, eh, five minutes. I have time. Why not? I have nothing to stop me. Heck. It'd be freakin' stupid to let this room stay like this. That's it. I'm doing this.
Charge! I attacked my bedroom, starting with all of the stuff under the bed. Then, with a little bit of guilt and almost a few tears, I boxed up all of my stuffed animals. ALL of them. And I had to consciously remind myself (out loud) that stuffed animals do not have feelings, and that at 19 years old I shouldn't be worrying that they would be sad and afraid and betrayed sitting in a box in the corner of my bedroom. That ordeal over, I started on the bookshelves.
By that time (and currently) I started wondering why in the world I have so much junk. Seriously, I don't know why I've kept half of the stuff that I threw away today or put in a pile to donate or sell. I'm not even finished yet! I have little piles all over my floor that I still need to sort through, mostly loose papers and random odds and ends. I didn't even touch all of my clean clothes that I need to put away. They're sitting in a laundry basket at the end of the bed. Clothes need to be sorted through, too. And the dresser. And the closet.
Ugh. I probably should have waited to start this project until after choir tour. BUT, the bookshelves look great! Progress!
PS I was much more obsessed with Star Wars when I was younger than I ever realized. I've found so much stuff! Books, posters, toys, games, holy crap. I sure have the Force with me; there's little bits of it all over my room! It's kind of embarrassing, looking back. Gah. I was such a nerd in junior high! And the pictures of Hayden Christensen that keep turning up? Haha...to quote Jason (complete with eye roll and slight shudder), "Thank goodness you outgrew THAT phase!!"
PPS I'm very glad that my psych professor waited until the last week of classes to cut his hair. He was cute before, but this new haircut is extremely flattering. When he walked in the room, I totally forgot about the final. He's so cute it's distracting.
This room...disaster. How did I let it get this bad? Hm...I have no more homework to do. I have no tests to study for. I have no papers to write. I have nothing to read. I have nowhere to go. I will probably be very bored in about, eh, five minutes. I have time. Why not? I have nothing to stop me. Heck. It'd be freakin' stupid to let this room stay like this. That's it. I'm doing this.
Charge! I attacked my bedroom, starting with all of the stuff under the bed. Then, with a little bit of guilt and almost a few tears, I boxed up all of my stuffed animals. ALL of them. And I had to consciously remind myself (out loud) that stuffed animals do not have feelings, and that at 19 years old I shouldn't be worrying that they would be sad and afraid and betrayed sitting in a box in the corner of my bedroom. That ordeal over, I started on the bookshelves.
By that time (and currently) I started wondering why in the world I have so much junk. Seriously, I don't know why I've kept half of the stuff that I threw away today or put in a pile to donate or sell. I'm not even finished yet! I have little piles all over my floor that I still need to sort through, mostly loose papers and random odds and ends. I didn't even touch all of my clean clothes that I need to put away. They're sitting in a laundry basket at the end of the bed. Clothes need to be sorted through, too. And the dresser. And the closet.
Ugh. I probably should have waited to start this project until after choir tour. BUT, the bookshelves look great! Progress!
PS I was much more obsessed with Star Wars when I was younger than I ever realized. I've found so much stuff! Books, posters, toys, games, holy crap. I sure have the Force with me; there's little bits of it all over my room! It's kind of embarrassing, looking back. Gah. I was such a nerd in junior high! And the pictures of Hayden Christensen that keep turning up? Haha...to quote Jason (complete with eye roll and slight shudder), "Thank goodness you outgrew THAT phase!!"
PPS I'm very glad that my psych professor waited until the last week of classes to cut his hair. He was cute before, but this new haircut is extremely flattering. When he walked in the room, I totally forgot about the final. He's so cute it's distracting.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)