tradition...

Summer is not summer for me if it lacks a visit to Manti for the Mormon Miracle Pageant. It's like a mini road trip, and it's one I look forward to every year.

Last weekend, I went with Ann Girl and Adam. Needless to say, it was an adventure, as things always are with those two. After the long drive (which seems to grow shorter every year), we grabbed our treat that we never go to Manti without getting: piping hot, sugary sweet, honey butter drenched scones topped with loads of powdered sugar. So much powdered sugar, in fact, that I couldn't help but blow most of Adam's into his face. But only after he started it.

I think I finished that fight, though.

Scones, hamburgers off the grill, homemade root beer in pretty glass bottles -- quite the nice little picnic under our baby tree, which provided just enough shade for the three of us.

And then the pageant! Yes -- it's still cheesy. Yes -- they really should update that script. And yes -- I cried, just like every year.

It makes me feel something, you know? It reminds me of things I've forgotten, of things that are important to me that I overlook during the day-to-day struggles and adventures of life. That's one of the reasons why I go: I want to be reminded.

I love this temple.

And I love these people!

good-bye, Google Reader...

So.

With Google Reader peacin' out, let's stay connected with this little link right here: Bloglovin'.com

I've rolled y'all over already because there are too many people who I will miss hearing from if I don't! Seriously -- who ever thought you could feel such a connection to people you've never met? It's like books -- you read and you love.

Keep in touch, yeah?

back...

Hey, y'all.

After a good 9 days of clearing my head and re-evaluating what I'm going to do with my life, I feel like it's a good time to start sharing my adventures again.

So far, I've done these things:

1. Moved up my graduation date from December 2014 to April 2014 -- Spring/Summer term scholarships create great incentive to get the heck out of here.
2. Decided NOT to serve a full-time mission for sure.
3. Made plans to reapply to UVU after graduating to complete the photography certificate, a year long program that I've had my eye on for awhile (because BYU has been sending me emails telling me that I have a lot of credits and should think about graduating).
4. Also decided to do MATC's culinary arts program, just for kicks.
5. Started checking out grad schools and have narrowed it down to three or four, none of which require me to leave the state -- holla for accredited satellite programs.
6. Gotten myself in debt to the bank for the first time in my life -- yay for emotional spending sprees. But it is pretty worth it -- got my first pedicure (the polish matches my eyes) and my first pairs of American Eagle jeans (because my favorite pair died). And a Build-a-Bear. Because I needed something to hug.
7. Rented a puppy.

What? Rented a puppy, you ask? 

Why, yes. I actually scheduled that before Adam broke up with me (hence the blog break for a little while), and when little Toby showed up two days after things fell apart, he was a welcome distraction.

 This is Toby. Adorbs, isn't he?

this bone is Toby-size for his convenience

Kinda wish I could keep him, because he is such a little love. Puppies (and dogs in general) just make everything better.

Anyway. I'm back. I've got what I want figured out, and I'm feeling pretty good. There are hard moments, obviously. My life is pretty great, though. I'm a lucky girl.

I've been lucky for a long time.

March top 10...

1. Just Give Me a Reason -- P!nk
2. My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark -- Fall Out Boy
3. Radioactive -- Imagine Dragons
4. Sail -- Awolnation
5. Better Dig Two -- The Band Perry
6. Overjoyed -- Matchbox Twenty
7. Daylight -- Maroon 5
8. Catch My Breath -- Kelly Clarkson
9. It's Time -- Imagine Dragons
10. Radioactive -- Lindsey Sterling and Pentatonix cover

February top 10...

1. Wide Awake -- Katy Perry
2. Better Dig Two -- The Band Perry
3. Skyfall -- Adele
4. Dark Side -- Kelly Clarkson
5. Begin Again -- Taylor Swift
6. Guardian -- Alanis Morrisette
7. A Drop in the Ocean -- Ron Pope
8. Sail -- Awolnation
9. It's Time -- Imagine Dragons
10. Welcome to the Black Parade -- My Chemical Romance

January top 10...

1. Begin Again -- Taylor Swift
2. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together -- Taylor Swift
3. Blown Away -- Carrie Underwood
4. Better Dig Two -- The Band Perry
5. Every Storm Runs Out of Rain -- Gary Allan
6. It's Time -- Imagine Dragons
7. If I Saved My Heart for You -- Carrie Underwood
8. Burn it Down -- Linkin Park
9. Cryin' on a Suitcase -- Casey James
10. Who You Are -- Jessie J

a little touch of Harry in the night...

Some of you may know that I tried out for a show at BYU in winter semester of 2012. I auditioned for Henry V, put on by BYU's Young Company. They do adaptations of plays for younger audiences and tour the elementary schools around the county.

In short, the auditions went very well for me and I made it to callbacks. Callbacks went well, too. However, I didn't get cast because when it came down to it, the other girl was a theater major and I am not. 

Talk about disappointment. My mom, who is the dramaturg for Henry V, tried to make me feel better by telling me that it was my major that kept me from being in the show and not my abilities, but it made me feel sadder. Time and again I have faced rejection in theater because I don't have the right connections at a particular place (like the Hale or the Scera) or I'm not in the right field of study. It was really hard for me to not get the part based on my academic background.

It's funny how things change though, because almost a year later, I have suddenly found myself thrown into the cast of Henry V. Due to unforeseen circumstances, someone had to drop out of the show and I just happened to have the time.

Say hello to the King of France, the Archbishop of Canterbury, and the page boy. No, I don't have a multiple personality disorder -- I just get to be three (four, if you count my time as a guard/executioner) different characters in the same show.

Read more about it here.

Wish me luck!

December top 10...

1. Begin Again -- Taylor Swift
2. Taking Chances -- Glee cover
3. Daylight -- Maroon 5
4. Skyfall -- Adele
5. Miss Me -- Andy Grammar
6. Too Close to Love You -- Alex Clare
7. As Long As You Love Me -- Justin Bieber
8. Who You Are -- Jessie J
9. Faithfully -- Journey
10. A Team -- Ed Sheeran

November top 10...

1. Who You Are -- Jessie J
2. Catch Fire -- Joel Aldrich
3. Cryin' on a Suitcase -- Casey James
4. Too Close to Love You -- Alex Clare
5. Try -- P!nk
6. Between the Raindrops -- Lifehouse ft. Natasha Beddingfield
7. Unapologize -- Carrie Underwood
8. One More Night -- Maroon 5
9. Once Upon Another Time -- Sara Bareilles
10. Let it Rain -- David Nail

October top 10...

1. Who You Are -- Jessie J
2. Home -- Philip Phillips
3. Skyfall -- Adele
4. Miss Me -- Andy Grammer
5. Too Close -- Alex Clare
6. Cryin' on a Suitcase -- Casey James
7. Between the Raindrops -- Lifehouse ft. Natasha Bedingfield
8. Blown Away -- Carrie Underwood
9. Wide Awake -- Katy Perry
10. Faithfully -- Journey

what the Idaho?

I've been to Idaho before. But I don't remember it being the way it is today.

Granted, I don't even remember that trip to Idaho because I was, liiiiiike...two? Maybe younger? All I remember of that adventure comes from the stories people tell me, and the abundance of photographs in the basement showing me talking to a bronze statue of a little boy.

Funny how stories and photographs can become memories in our heads of events that we participated in, but don't actually recall.

But that's beside the point.

Idaho is, in my opinion, a weird place. The main reason?

There are no mountains.

Seriously. Compared to the real mountains at home, these lumps of rocks are tiny. There's so much open space here, so much so that I actually feel uncomfortable. As I sat in the passenger seat of Ann's car, she laughed at me because I scrunched myself up in a ball and said, "It's just so open." Really, though. I'm digging my little bedroom because it feels safe. Not only is it about five times warmer in here this morning than it is outside (yesterday was surprisingly warm -- Provo was colder), it also has walls and a ceiling and a door.

Safe. Loving this room.

Just for the heck of it, I did a Google search, which led me to agoraphobia: "a condition where the sufferer becomes anxious in environments that are unfamiliar or where he or she perceives that they have little control. Triggers for this anxiety may include wide open spaces, crowds (social anxiety), or traveling (even short distances)" (Wikipedia).

What the heck -- that definition describes me so well it's a wee bit scary. As in, three for three.

Anyway. Idaho is grand. But I'm very glad that I'm not here by myself, and that Ann likes my company. It'll be a good weekend.

Can't wait to go back home.

September top 10...

1. Catch Fire -- Joel Aldrich (listen to this one -- DO IT -- because my friend wrote it)
2. Miss Me -- Andy Grammer
3. A Team -- Ed Sheeran 
4. One More Night -- Maroon 5
5. Never Ever Getting Back Together -- Taylor Swift
6. Sad -- Maroon 5
7. If I Saved My Heart for You -- Carrie Underwood
8. Good Girl -- Carrie Underwood
9. Vision of Love -- Kris Allen
10. Call Me Maybe -- Carly Rae Jepsen

do as in don't...

I find it rather ironic that this was shared by my mom on her Facebook page.

Please know that I'm not blaming the way that I am on my past and current relationship with my mom. I just find it interesting that so many of these strike a chord with how things were in my home in regards to both of my parents. By no means was I (or am I now) a 100% all-around awesome kid, either. No person is perfect, and therefore no person is a perfect parent or child.

Sometimes it is so hard to forgive -- I'm 20 years old and I'm still afraid to be friends with my mom. One of my biggest problems is that I have a very good long term memory. My short term memory frequently gets lost in the static of the past.

All I can do is keep trying.

July top 10...

1. Once Upon Another Time -- Sara Bareilles
2. Wipe Your Eyes -- Maroon 5
3. Summer is Over -- Jon McLaughlin and Sara Bareilles
4. Come Home -- One Republic and Sara Bareilles
5. What Makes You Beautiful -- ThePianoGuys cover of One Direction
6. Vision of Love -- Kris Allen
7. Sad -- Maroon 5
8. Payphone -- Maroon 5
9. Wanted -- Hunter Hayes
10. Brokenhearted -- Karmin

Maroon 5 and Sara Bareilles...adore.

still a student...

I've been thinking a lot about the first lesson post I wrote. About worrying less about how my life looks to others and more about how it feels to me.

By no means am I a master of this principle, or any of the others that I have written about. I often find myself thinking and acting in ways that are completely against the things I am trying to learn. Sometimes I stop short and tell myself, HEY! Remember that one time when you thought of that one thing and you were going to work on it and become better? Well...better remember it now and QUIT STOPPING YOURSELF FROM PROGRESSING.

Not all of the voices in my head are particularly kind.

Anyway. For example. I've been spending a lot of time on my own lately in the House. Natalie and I see each other in the evenings for a few minutes, sometimes for an hour, but most of the time we're just two friends sharing living space. We both work a lot, I at my three jobs and Natalie at her job and in her volunteering.

This time alone hasn't been lonely time. I rarely find myself feeling sad or upset. Instead, I have found that I am able to get a lot of things done: keeping up with the housework and making sure things are nice; playing with my dog; adventuring with friends; reading; writing; cooking; thinking; singing; perhaps soon drawing.

While I was in the kitchen today, boiling eggs by myself for the first time ever, I stopped and looked around me. Here I am, I thought, boiling eggs and planning meals for the week, debating on whether or not to make a cake or brownies, brainstorming potential primary lessons, cleaning the kitchen, singing hymns and talking to my dog in my Snow White voice, musing on life and its mysteries, mentally checking to see if my camera is ready for tomorrow morning, and trying to figure out which big chore I'm going to complete on Friday night. I looked around the kitchen again and thought, I LOVE my life!

Then another not-so-kind voice (which sounded remarkably like one of the people who works in the same building that I do) said, Yep. You're a total Molly Mormon. You just keep on proving it. You are doing nothing important with your life except cleaning the house, cooking the food, and thinking about the Gospel. Oh my gosh, LOOK AT YOU! You are so NOT awesome. DO SOMETHING with your life, okay? Jeez.

And for a minute, I started to be ashamed. I remembered all of those things that person told me a few weeks ago, telling me that (and I quote/paraphrase) "your life is so boring -- don't you do anything worthwhile at all?" and "wow, you are such a Molly Mormon -- you like teaching primary. And cake pops, seriously?" and  "next time you make a decision you should think for yourself, instead of relying on the misguided examples of other people."

Remembering those things she said brought me spiraling downwards. I hated myself. Even though I had been angry when she'd said all of those things to me, I believed her words for a second. I AM boring, I thought. I am everything she said I am --  I SHOULDN'T like these things. I should be more adventurous and daring, maybe try something new. I probably shouldn't even like Disney movies.

But as I looked at my reflection in the Kitchen Aid that I was putting back in place, I thought of what I'd proclaimed to have learned. WHO CARES if that person thinks I'm a Molly Mormon? WHO CARES if my life appears boring to her? It isn't boring to me! I like my life. I like teaching primary and making cake pops. I like doing dishes (sometimes) and singing and boiling eggs and cleaning and playing with my dog. I like the way I am. Besides, that person has no idea where I've come from and what kinds of decisions I've made.

You know what? This is my life to live. It isn't hers.

We are all students of life. The person who said those things is learning about life, just as I am. We're both in different places and taking different roads. What I need to remember and continue to practice thinking is that though others may tell me that the life I live is boring and housewife-ish, it doesn't matter. What they think doesn't matter. I feel comfortable this way. I feel happy this way. All of these things bring me joy, and to me they are worthwhile.

I don't plan to change the world. I plan to change myself. That is what is most important.

June top 10 + more...

1.1 Dark Side -- Kelly Clarkson
1.2 Wide Awake --  Katy Perry
1.3 Guardian -- Alanis Morrisett
2. Summer is Over -- Jon McLaughlin and Sara Bareilles
3. Settle Down -- Kimbra (weird music video -- I've watched it about 9 times)
4. Do You Remember -- Ane Brun (even weirder music video -- I've only watched it twice)
5. Once Upon Another Time -- Sara Bareilles
6. A Drop in the Ocean -- Ron Pope
7. I Won't Let You Go --  James Morrison
8. The Vision of Love -- Kris Allen
9. Taking Chances -- Glee cover
10. Lullaby -- Nickelback

little sure shot...

ACTUALLY I'm not talking about me. That name has been taken by Brianna. Holy smoke, kids, that girl is handy with a pistol. I do not recommend meeting her in a dark alley if you have funny business in mind.

As you noticed, I went to the Summerfest carnival with Brianna and Matt on Friday night. It was so much fun -- some people don't like going to it very much, because it's loud and you get some interesting characters there. I for one love it! The people that you see, the lights on the rides, the sounds of laughter and music, the smells of cotton candy and scones, the whole thing is absolutely enjoyable. It's something I look forward to every year. Later in the evening, after taking copious pictures of the ferris wheel, the merry-go-round (love), and the lovebirds, we headed off to Sonic for chili cheese tater tots (strangest and surprisingly good combination of food), mozarella sticks, cherry limeade, and brownie bite-cookie dough shakes (genius).

Now the first paragraph will tie in. After that wonderful start of the weekend, Brianna and Matt took me shooting with them. Up until Saturday morning I had never shot a gun in my life, let alone held one. Matt taught me how to load and fire a couple of pistols (the first is Brianna's gun, a smaller pistol and the second is Matt's, a self-defense pistol that was terrifying), a .22, and his 30.06 (aka a really big rifle built in 1940 that was recomissioned for sporting by the NRA).

Guess what my favorite gun to shoot was? If you guessed the little pistol, guess again. If you guessed the big pistol, well, I hinted above that I didn't like it (seriously, so scary). The .22 was fun, but...the 30.06?

LOVE at first sight (because it had a scope on it -- you know, for sighting -- get it?). The first time I shot that thing, it nearly knocked me over! Once I was able to adjust to the kick, dang. That gun is a total blast! I finally figured out how to use the scope, and I exploded a couple of soda cans (because both Matt and Brianna don't like Diet Dr. Pepper so we used cans as targets) and did fairly well with the other targets, too. It was just so much fun! The 30.06 is a bolt action, so after each bullet you pull back the bolt and the shell ejects, then slide it back into place to fire again. I felt so cool! I think part of the reason why I liked it so much was because of that particular feature (I'll admit it, I kept imagining the scene in Captain America where Bucky takes out the Nazi whose got his sights on Steve). That and the sheer power of the gun -- wow. Absolutely thrilling. I haven't had that much fun in a long time! Kids, you got yourself a convert here. I like guns! And the giant bruises on my shoulder and arm are totally worth it because they also make me feel cool, unlike the bruises I get from falling when I go ice skating -- those just make me feel clumsy.

The rest of the weekend was just as grand. I was able to walk in the parade with some of my LDC friends, and afterwards I got to watch the fireworks with Brianna's family (because my family decided they didn't want to go). Sunday followed up with a fun Primary lesson, a nap, four papers, and Peaceful Warrior, which really is incredibly inspiring. I've been trying out some of the things that the main character learns in the movie, and they work! It'll take practice though (as will rifle shooting -- really, though, it was so fun).

Monday has been pretty grand as well, what with practicing new ways of thinking and spending time with my dad. I drove him to the airport again so that he could go on another business trip, and we got lunch at Zupas and talked for a little while. On the way home I stopped at Gardner Village and picked up a couple of things at Anastasia's Attic. If you haven't been there, GO. It's the cutest, sweetest, blingy-est, beautiful store. All of Gardner Village is great! And the candy sticks at Sweet Afton's are the best. Sweet Afton's Candy Shop is the Honeydukes for Muggles. Seriously, Gardner Village is like Utah's  Hogsmeade or something. So much fun.

A most excellent weekend, my friends. Most excellent.

proud member of Club Unicorn...

There are many, myself included, who know people who are homosexuals. Watching these friends be teased, bullied, and tortured by people in their schools and even their families has always made me upset. What makes me more upset, though, is that when these friends have come to me asking for help and advice, I never know what to say. Telling someone to shut up is easy. It's offering comfort and help that's hard for me. All I know how to do is put my arms around them and tell them I love them, then suggest a random adventure to take their minds off of things.

I won't lie and say that homosexuality doesn't bother me sometimes. It's been something that has been really hard for me to deal with, too -- my friends, like me, are LDS and some of them discarded their testimonies in favor of saying, "Well, this is just how I am and I'm going to do whatever I want because if God loved me, he wouldn't have made me this way." That has been very difficult for me to accept -- God made you that way because he loves you, just as he made me a depressive perfectionist with suicidal tendencies (there -- I said it). The challenges he gives us are meant to turn us to him. He gives us these struggles because he knows exactly what we need to teach us and to make us stronger. For if we take our weaknesses and our temptations to him, he will strengthen us and get us through.

Balancing my love for my friends but my dislike for the lifestyles they choose -- it's really hard. A friend of mine posted an article on Facebook this afternoon that I happened to notice because of the title (rhetorical strategies, people -- they actually work). It's an article titled "Club Unicorn: In which I come out of the closet on our ten year anniversary."

I'll admit -- I was expecting some confession to ten years of lies. However, it was completely the opposite of that. And I am so grateful for it. This is such an example of courage and faith -- an example that can be applied to anyone who struggles, be it with acceptance of sexual orientation and reconciling that with personal beliefs or with the temptation to throw it all away.

While I do not have these attractions, there are people who I love that do. After reading this article, I feel that I have something to say to them when they need help. And so, I am proud to say that I am a member of Club Unicorn (and now a follower of The Weed).

May top 10...

1. If I Knew Then -- Lady Antebellum
2. If I Saved My Heart For You -- Carrie Underwood
3. Summer is Over -- Jon McLaughlin ft. Sara Bareilles
4. The Vision of Love -- Kris Allen
5. Lullaby -- Nickelback
6. Unapologize -- Carrie Underwood
7. Dancin' Away with my Heart -- Lady Antebellum
8. City -- Sara Bareilles
9. What Makes you Beautiful -- One Direction
10. Taking Chances -- Glee cover

April top 10...

1. Lullaby -- Nickelback
2. City -- Sara Bareilles
3. If I Saved My Heart for You -- Carrie Underwood
4. Eyes Open -- Taylor Swift
5. Safe and Sound -- Taylor Swift
6. Dare You to Move -- Vocal Point cover, Switchfoot
7. I Will Rise -- Alex Boye with LDC cover, Chris Tomlin
8. Part of Me -- Katy Perry
9. Dancin' Away with my Heart -- Lady Antebellum
10. Glad You Came -- The Wanted