yawn...

I've never been a super huge fan of hardcore exercise, but I've never been too keen on being a total couch potato. Walking and slow jogging, dancing, and weight lifting were great for me. Running, though? Nope!

When my health went south, so did exercise. The chronic pain and other medical problems made it really hard to find any sort of balance, and reluctant couch potato became a standard for a long time. I'd try and do the things I liked to do, but I'd end up in bed for days recovering. That is, until I found yoga. For almost a year, I was able to do yoga sessions at home every day. Then it all changed when the pain became so debilitating that I could barely walk. And so, as some know, I had surgery!

Because of the surgery and long recovery, I haven't been able to do much in the form of physical movement. For several weeks, the most I could do was take a shower before collapsing back into bed. Now that I've started feeling quite a bit better, I decided to try some type of exercise so that my muscles don't totally atrophy. That's more worrisome to me right now than weight gain, seeing as my jeans are actually quite a bit bigger on me than they were back in March.

I didn't want to hurt myself or push my body too hard, so I recently got back into yoga exercises (and by recently, I mean about two hours ago). Here are some things I forgot about this form I like so much:

1. I have not been nor shall I ever be as flexible as I am in my dreams -- because I do dream about being able to do incredible feats worthy of Elastigirl in the Pixar film The Incredibles.

2. Relaxing my neck is ridiculously difficult!

3. A yoga mat is probably a good investment, one which I should have made a long time ago but have never gotten around to doing.

4. Every time I finish a session, I'm suddenly exhausted and feel like I could sleep for hours. In fact, I'm reminded of how often I've fallen asleep at the end of a routine -- 'cause it happened today.

5. 40 minutes goes by incredibly fast when I'm not timing laps at the gym. I like this way better.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm going to go study for finals -- and by that I mean I'm going to take a nap, because I can barely keep my eyes open!

so far, so good...

4 days into the new year and it's been good...

...my bedroom is reorganized, with only a small-ish mountain of clothes to put back into the dresser...
...my last full semester of college is scheduled and my graduation application has been submitted (yikes)...
...I've seen Saving Mr. Banks and had Chik-fil-A (if heaven were a sandwich)...
...I've been to an amazing art exhibit and had an incredibly delicious dinner at a fancy restaurant for which I was not allowed to pay (which is a lot easier for me to allow than it used to be)...
...the mystery of Sherlock's two year disappearance is still frustratingly unsolved, as Steven Moffat will not ever give an inch when it comes to satisfying fans' curiosity...
..my articles are appearing online and I only have six left to finish by Monday...
...I've had good, long, honest late night talks with people I care about, and I've laughed and cried and felt alive...
...I've been hugged -- close and tight and long -- it's amazing what an honest hug will do.

A part of me still aches. That frustrates me. It frustrates me because despite all of the good things that I have, I feel desperately out of control. I feel frightened and alone and sad and helpless -- so full of feelings that I'm empty. I say that a lot, but it's the only way I can describe it.

I don't want to be like this. I don't want to feel so terrified and sad.

My wish for moments of happiness does come true, and frequently. All of the things that I've done and seen this week were happy moments; more than moments, some of them were hours. Hours of time where I could get out of the emptiness and really feel alive again, instead of being trapped in this seemingly endless state of feeling too much of nothing good.

Truly, I feel helpless. I feel so in need of help that I worry that I'm needy. I don't like needy people. I don't want to be a needy person. I want to be strong and independent and comfortable in my own skin. Right now (and for a long time) I've wanted out of my skin and into something...different. I've never been totally confident. Who is, right? But I've been better than I am now.

Hopefully, good things will keep happening. And they will -- they haven't stopped so far. What I really hope is that I'll be okay enough to see the good things, and not push them away because I'm too scared to do anything. I hope I don't do that.

pioneers mean more carnivals...

Given that I've been to two carnivals already this summer, it's no surprise that I jumped at the chance to attend a third. Pioneer Day in Utah means more festivities and fireworks -- how could I miss it? I truly love carnivals and fairs and festivals -- so much to look at, so much to do, and so many people to watch. So much life!




And so many dreams came true...as in I can cross them off my bucket list:



1. Go to a carnival or street fair with a special someone - check. I was lucky enough to go with my best girl and most wonderful housemate you could ask for, and my best man.

2. Receive a surprise gift while there because said special someone was paying attention to what I was looking at - check. Yeah - Adam was watching me window shop and noticed me lingering on a set of earrings. And he bought them for me. Aw.

3. Have a special someone win a prize - this wasn't always a bucket list item because I do not trust any games whatsoever, but because he won - check. We named her Zelda.




4. Take silly pictures and wear funny headgear - check. We were celebrating the baby prince in our princess garb and jewelry. Just, you know. Because we can.

5. Watch fireworks while holding hands with a special someone - check.

 

i feel...

Some of my friends know that I often struggle expressing how I feel. I learned a way of dealing with this last semester -- and that is to make lists.

I really am a list person. It's how I keep my life in order. It's how I remember things I don't want to forget. It's how I brainstorm. It's how I do things.

Here is my expression list.

i feel...

...ignored.
...selfish.
...cold.
...angry.
...sad.
...shaky.
...busy.
...overwhelmed.
...tired.
...used.

And then, once I've listed it out, I understand it better.

It makes sense in my head.

so super dizzy...

When I woke up this morning, I felt great. I got the best sleep I've had in weeks and I couldn't remember any of the dreams I'm pretty sure that I had.

Everything changed when I got up to brush my teeth. All of the sudden the floor was the ceiling, the door was the window, and the bed was the closet. Also known as the room appeared to be spinning and twisting like mad.

As of now, the dizziness has only increased and I would very much like to go back to bed. It's kind of funny -- in between tasks here at work I have to stop and hold on to something for a minute or two until my eyes stop thinking the walls are moving. Gotta let my vision catch up with what my brain already knows -- walls don't move. Unless you're in Harry Potter. Or Psych.

Other than the dizziness, I feel great. 

I feel so great. 

Seriously. I'm being completely serious. 

There are so many good things in this world. Here's a list:

1. Little Lily Bear got adopted this week! She went to a family who has a cross-eyed cat and some other cool stuff, but Chels lost me at the words "cross-eyed cat" and I don't remember anything other than that. It's funny because Lily is slightly wall-eyed, and the cat is cross-eyed, so they even each other out! How cool is that? I'm glad she has a family to love her.
2. It is so sunny today. It's sunny and bright and warm -- if I weren't so dizzy, I'd take a long walk in it. Sitting at the park will have to do.
3. Two exams down yesterday! Only finals left for English, and now that I know what to expect, I almost look forward to it. Seriously, that essay I wrote was awesome. If the prof doesn't like it, who cares? I like it.
4. Voice lessons are awesome.
5. Doing what I want to do with my life makes me so much happier than doing what I think others want me to do.

By the way, Village Inn has a Tin Roof Sundae pie that is so. Good. Mostly because of the crust. If a pie has a good crust, I'm going to like it.

Ha. When I watch my fingers typing, I feel like throwing up. This is a fun game.

fill-in-the-blank...

"World's worst ___________________."

That's how I feel right now. World's worst you name it, that's how I feel.

Worst daughter.
Worst friend.
Worst student.
Worst employee.
Worst girlfriend.

Especially the worst girlfriend part.

But more the worst person in general.

It's probably not true, and probably stems from many factors. Like lack of sleep, intense worry about an exam tomorrow, a near panic attack during church this afternoon, the family gathering tonight, weaning off of medications.

I feel like a total jerk.

Also probably not true, but it doesn't lessen how badly I feel.

I really do feel like the worst person ever. And so, I think it's time for bed.

things I learned today...

1. My dryer only shuts off if it gets too hot. The rest of the time I have to pay careful attention to how long clothes have been in the dryer so that things don't shrink. That's why I noticed -- I put a load of towels in the dryer and a little while later the house was quiet. Yep. Dryer had gotten too hot and had shut itself off.
2. Most of the curators and non-student staff at work now treat me like I'm in charge of Workflows. The student employees like me know better, and none of us can figure out why the big wigs don't spread things around a little bit more. I mean, come on -- I haven't even been trained on the super specifics, yet I'm expected to know them.
3. When Kala gets hungry enough, she will not hesitate from waking you up from an unexpected nap by huffing and whining in your ear. And if that doesn't work, she'll full on whop you on the face with her paw. I guess she was really hungry, or I slept a lot longer than I thought I did.
4. It is possible for professors to assign homework that takes five to six hours a day, and have exams once to twice a week for an entire term.
5. I really, really like my job.
6. I CAN MAKE GOOD COOKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously. Never before have I been able to make a good batch of cookies by myself. But this time, they're turned out amazing. Which is why I am actually going to take them to the neighbors as I originally intended, rather than tossing my mess into the garbage bin. Because it's not a mess! It's cookies!
7. Chelsea's pillows are much more comfortable than mine.
8. I really need to get better sleep!

little things that make me smile...

There are certain things in life that I cannot keep from smiling about. To some they may seem like silly things. To me, they mean the world.

Like...

...making friends with a brown squirrel on the walk across campus

...signing up for music lessons because I can

...seeing little Teddy run up to me when I get home and snuggle as close to me as he can (he does that to no one else)

...hearing birds singing in the morning sunshine

...watching a butterfly skim the grass on colorful wings

...feeling Adam run his fingers through my hair (I don't know why I love that so much)

...looking outside and seeing the little ones playing in the backyard or snuggling up close in their kennel

...sitting on the kitchen floor under the light of the stove drowning Oreos in milk (because that is the closest I will ever come to murder)

...snuggling down in warm covers, pillows, and teddy bears after a long day at school and work

...hugging daddy

...receiving kisses and cuddles from Misty and Molly when I visit my parents' house

...driving with the windows down and the music turned up

...walking through grocery stores for fun

...getting a soft kiss on the forehead

...eating a big bowl of freshly baked brownies with vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup on top with my special spoon

...being held close enough and long enough to hear heartbeats synchronizing

...talking to a long time friend and realizing how much you can learn about a person by listening, even after years of conversations

...drinking a cup of horchata in the spring, a glass of strawberry lemonade in the summer, a tumbler of herbal tea in the fall, a mug of        cinnamon hot chocolate in the winter

...laughing until your cheeks hurt and your sides ache from the giggles

...climbing a tree barefoot

...playing on the kids' jungle gym at the complex park even though you're a grown-up and your boyfriend barely fits on the swings

...gazing at the stars - or the clouds - or the clear blue sky

...opening a package, a parcel, a letter, addressed to you

...baking cookies late at night with someone you love

...cooking dinner for more than one person

...washing dishes in such a way that it becomes an all-out water war (but don't get it on the carpet)

...kissing good-night, soft and sweet and promising tomorrow

back...

Hey, y'all.

After a good 9 days of clearing my head and re-evaluating what I'm going to do with my life, I feel like it's a good time to start sharing my adventures again.

So far, I've done these things:

1. Moved up my graduation date from December 2014 to April 2014 -- Spring/Summer term scholarships create great incentive to get the heck out of here.
2. Decided NOT to serve a full-time mission for sure.
3. Made plans to reapply to UVU after graduating to complete the photography certificate, a year long program that I've had my eye on for awhile (because BYU has been sending me emails telling me that I have a lot of credits and should think about graduating).
4. Also decided to do MATC's culinary arts program, just for kicks.
5. Started checking out grad schools and have narrowed it down to three or four, none of which require me to leave the state -- holla for accredited satellite programs.
6. Gotten myself in debt to the bank for the first time in my life -- yay for emotional spending sprees. But it is pretty worth it -- got my first pedicure (the polish matches my eyes) and my first pairs of American Eagle jeans (because my favorite pair died). And a Build-a-Bear. Because I needed something to hug.
7. Rented a puppy.

What? Rented a puppy, you ask? 

Why, yes. I actually scheduled that before Adam broke up with me (hence the blog break for a little while), and when little Toby showed up two days after things fell apart, he was a welcome distraction.

 This is Toby. Adorbs, isn't he?

this bone is Toby-size for his convenience

Kinda wish I could keep him, because he is such a little love. Puppies (and dogs in general) just make everything better.

Anyway. I'm back. I've got what I want figured out, and I'm feeling pretty good. There are hard moments, obviously. My life is pretty great, though. I'm a lucky girl.

I've been lucky for a long time.

March top 10...

1. Just Give Me a Reason -- P!nk
2. My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark -- Fall Out Boy
3. Radioactive -- Imagine Dragons
4. Sail -- Awolnation
5. Better Dig Two -- The Band Perry
6. Overjoyed -- Matchbox Twenty
7. Daylight -- Maroon 5
8. Catch My Breath -- Kelly Clarkson
9. It's Time -- Imagine Dragons
10. Radioactive -- Lindsey Sterling and Pentatonix cover

i may be a bit depressed...

Rather than sit at my desk and beat myself up for feeling depressed (because that always helps), I am now an objective observer.

Okay.

My stomach is in knots and I constantly fight throwing up. I think I'm nervous about something, that something being something I have yet to discover (or perhaps I haven't let myself examine in detail?).

Headaches are again a common occurrence, as is a sort of painful fatigue in the limbs, joints, and muscles of my body. The only routine change I can think of is adding yoga back into my life (never thought I'd miss that, but I do), but last semester it always made me feel better. I still feel better after completing a session.

Honestly, I'm always close to tears. I have to be super careful about not letting things set me off (like a song on the radio, a joking remark from a friend, coworker, family member, etc., a low score, among other things).

When I sleep, I have nightmares. When I don't sleep, well. That's no good for anyone.

This self-exam is leading to evaluating what I'm thinking about, or evaluating what I'm not letting myself admit that I'm thinking about. And so. I will now put it in writing and make it legitimate.

1. I am, without a doubt, absolutely terrified of getting married. Don't get me wrong, I. Love. Adam. So. Much. And I want to be with him forever. All of our talk, though, and the continual progression towards marriage is scaring me to death. Not all of the time, but more often than I let myself admit.
2. Spending money on a ring...ugh. That is probably the thing I worry about the most.
3. Neck and neck with that is planning a wedding without causing serious conflict between family members. Shoot me now. But at least my family likes Adam. That's one less thing to worry about.
4. Finals are in two weeks for me -- my classes don't have finals like the rest of the university does. I'm so behind, and this has been the hardest, worst semester academics-wise for me in my entire life.
5. Finding a place to live is going to be a nightmare -- and that's after going through the difficulty of moving back home in June when the House owners come back.

Huh. No wonder I feel sick -- never have I faced such huge changes in my life.

Boo. I don't like feeling sad and worried and sick. And I really, really don't like crying. Nor do I have the time to do so.

February top 10...

1. Wide Awake -- Katy Perry
2. Better Dig Two -- The Band Perry
3. Skyfall -- Adele
4. Dark Side -- Kelly Clarkson
5. Begin Again -- Taylor Swift
6. Guardian -- Alanis Morrisette
7. A Drop in the Ocean -- Ron Pope
8. Sail -- Awolnation
9. It's Time -- Imagine Dragons
10. Welcome to the Black Parade -- My Chemical Romance

January top 10...

1. Begin Again -- Taylor Swift
2. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together -- Taylor Swift
3. Blown Away -- Carrie Underwood
4. Better Dig Two -- The Band Perry
5. Every Storm Runs Out of Rain -- Gary Allan
6. It's Time -- Imagine Dragons
7. If I Saved My Heart for You -- Carrie Underwood
8. Burn it Down -- Linkin Park
9. Cryin' on a Suitcase -- Casey James
10. Who You Are -- Jessie J

December top 10...

1. Begin Again -- Taylor Swift
2. Taking Chances -- Glee cover
3. Daylight -- Maroon 5
4. Skyfall -- Adele
5. Miss Me -- Andy Grammar
6. Too Close to Love You -- Alex Clare
7. As Long As You Love Me -- Justin Bieber
8. Who You Are -- Jessie J
9. Faithfully -- Journey
10. A Team -- Ed Sheeran

picking up where we left off...

I'm not making new resolutions this year. Instead, I'm making a list of things that I have been working on and will continue to work on.

...this year, I will...

...be kinder
...be gentler
...be patient
...be honest
...be diligent
...be healthy
...be smart
...be cautious
...be true
...be active
...be silly
...be involved
...be sincere
...be open
...be driven
...be happy
...be faithful

...in others and myself.

productivity...

We have a saying in the Writing Center that it's better to show readers through words than tell them. I'm just going to skip the words all together and provide physical evidence of what I did today.

To do list, you've been DONE. Mostly. 

heaven forbid...

Resolved, if I am ever a college teacher/professor (ugh), things will go like this:

I will not be vague about what my students need to know for exams.

I will hold them accountable for the work/reading assignments by having discussion-based lectures.

I will not return papers/exams without any comments.

I will expect students' work to be their best, taking into consideration that students are human, not super heroes.

I will not insult them or treat them like children.

I will have accessible office hours, respond to emails, and provide detailed syllabi that I stick to, not change at whim.

I will not lecture them the whole class period.

I will give homework that is actually worth doing (granted, worthwhile is an opinion thing), with no hint at the term busy-work.

I will not be the stuffed-shirt, eagle-eyed professor who goes by Doctor wherever she goes, choosing instead to connect with my students and others on a person-to-person basis, because I am not my degree (particularly on my children's wedding invitations -- seriously?).

I will encourage higher thinking and incorporate many types of presentations because students learn differently and will enjoy learning something they love in a style they understand.

I will not be the professors I had this semester (or most of them). I will guarantee that.

I will be warm and approachable, helpful, yet demanding because I know students can and will do a good job if they know what is expected of them. 

It'll be like teaching Primary, except the students will be bigger and I can wear pants. 

November top 10...

1. Who You Are -- Jessie J
2. Catch Fire -- Joel Aldrich
3. Cryin' on a Suitcase -- Casey James
4. Too Close to Love You -- Alex Clare
5. Try -- P!nk
6. Between the Raindrops -- Lifehouse ft. Natasha Beddingfield
7. Unapologize -- Carrie Underwood
8. One More Night -- Maroon 5
9. Once Upon Another Time -- Sara Bareilles
10. Let it Rain -- David Nail

don't want, can't have...

I don't want to write any more papers (especially dumb ones that are just busy work).
I don't want to read any more textbooks.
I don't want to get up early anymore.
I don't want to tutor papers anymore.
I don't want to go to school anymore.

I want to write poetry.
I want to read real books.
I want to get up when my body is done sleeping.
I want to not tutor.
I want to learn -- really learn.

And I really want to have time to paint my nails.

That would be grand.

lately...

...thinking...

...I'm beginning to learn what it means to study the scriptures, and let me tell you, it's quite fascinating what you can learn -- so many thoughts and ideas bouncing around
...why do I so often want to go back to the person who caused me so much grief -- or do I even want to go back
...funny how often others pressure me to take care of things that are no longer my problem, and the people doing the pressuring aren't even interested in helping out
...people are hypocritical -- it bugs me how often I, too, fall into that
...snow would be so much more fun if I had a guy friend to chuck snowballs at and then run for my life -- missing Jordan a lot this weekend
...I hate money because I don't have any

...doing...

...migraines, anybody? whatever you do, don't get them
...dishes by hand -- the dishwasher is broken and I don't know how to fix it, but I actually like doing the dishes now
...started watching Big Bang Theory and I'll admit that I really like it, even though I shouldn't
...consistently behind in my homework, no matter how hard I try to keep up
...wishing. lots of wishing
...sleeping -- are you shocked, because I have been
...spent time with my best girl Kayla, whom I haven't played with in months -- Cafe Rio, gas station hot chocolate (which never ceases to be grand), quoting YouTube videos, fixing car wind shield wipers, watching Once Upon a Time, talking about boys and college and dreams, you name it
...oh, my wind shield wiper broke while I was on the freeway yesterday afternoon during the blizzard -- that was fun
...trying not to fret about the future, because I can't control a lot of what happens

...feeling...

...headaches -- a lot
...unable to talk to anyone about anything that's going on in my life because 1) people don't want to listen, 2) people are too busy to listen, 3) people scold me for how I feel/think/act, 4) people use what I tell them to get back at me later on, 5) I'm afraid to ask the people who would listen because they're busy and I often end up having nothing to say
...excited for Christmas time -- the one time of year things feel right, even if they're not
...lonely and isolated, which may have been an unintentional choice on my part
...mad at people who are careless with physical affection -- if I hadn't ever been cuddled, I wouldn't miss it (and I wouldn't miss you as much, either)
...tired and scared -- maybe paranoid
...overwhelmed and short on time -- what I wouldn't give for college professors to realize that every class has homework, and a lot of it, not just theirs
...fat. yes, fat