back to school...

This is a whiny post.

Basically I really, really, really, really, really do not want to go back to school. I don't want to go to class. I don't want to sit in those ridiculous little desks. I don't want to take notes. I don't want to do homework. I don't want to have my life controlled by assignments and busy work. I don't want the anxiety and the stress.

Man, I'm pathetic. I don't want to go so much that I'm crying.

Don't get me wrong, I like to learn. I enjoy discovering new things and expanding my view of the world. What I don't like is the absolute utter exhaustion and anxiety that comes from the way our education system works. I don't like being a grade point average -- I don't like having my future rest on some stupid letters that stand for how well I did at something.

I'll get it done. I always do. I guess this last semester has kind of killed any love for college that I may have possessed. And I'll tell you a little secret -- with the exception of Economics 110, I got straight A's. I knew I wouldn't do super well in Econ, and I only needed a C -- I got a B- and was excited because it was way better than I thought I would do. What bothered me is this: this was absolutely the worst semester of my life, and I felt that I slacked off completely. I didn't feel that I deserved any of the A's that I got -- and I almost feel angry that my lack of effort was given straight A grades.

My half effort was rewarded as excellent. I procrastinated every assignment because the depression was so intense that I could barely function. I skimmed reading assignments and left classes feeling more confused than I was when I went in. I studied like crazy for exams, but never felt confident. I felt that everything I did was pointless and pathetic, and I expected that to be reflected in my GPA.

So what does that make those A's, anyway? Somewhat worthless, if I'm honest. Maybe I'm being ungrateful (actually, I know I'm being ungrateful), but I really do feel like those grades are total lies.

I was mediocre. My papers were excellent, and my professors want me to publish. But the work I put in? It wasn't excellent. It was rushed, last-minute, pathetic.

That's why I don't want to go back to school. I don't want to do the work, especially because I know that even when I don't do as good a job as I should, I'll get outstanding grades anyway. It's like lying.

What I should do is put in more effort and be proactive in my education. I, however, would rather watch Chuck on Netflix, go take photographs of beautiful things, write poetry and articles on things I'm interested in, spend time with the people I care about, sing and dance and play, learn the piano again, read real books, sleep when I can and for as long as I need, and work at a job that actually does something worthwhile (like the one I have).

I suppose this is why there is a thing called retirement. Although...that may quickly become a myth.

drop dead...

That awkward moment when one second you're singing "Come Thou Fount" and the next you're staring up at dozens of concerned faces over your head.

Yeah. I passed out in choir today. I'm not really sure what happened. No, I didn't lock my knees -- I've been singing since I was four-years-old, so I'm well aware of that no-no. As a matter of fact, I actually sat down for a whole five minutes due to a sudden headache before I hit the floor. I made it through maybe the first line and a half of the first verse after standing up...not entirely sure when I lost consciousness.

Thankfully, Amber caught me on my way down (according to reports from bystanders). Between her, Jason the EMT, and Jamie the Lifeguard, I was in pretty capable hands (har-har). Dad did drag me to the doctor, which I resent a little bit, and as usual, it was determined that nothing is wrong with me.

I'm probably just super stressed. Not to mention the stress has been amplified because I lost a whole afternoon and evening of homework time, and my first 12-page paper is due on Thursday at 1:30. It's the history paper that my professor said will be graded according to a higher standard than my classmates because I'm brilliant.

Well. I hope she likes disappointment, because the best I can do is much less than I had anticipated. Which is frustrating. I hate, hate, hate doing mediocre work.

School should die. It sure is killing me.

heaven forbid...

Resolved, if I am ever a college teacher/professor (ugh), things will go like this:

I will not be vague about what my students need to know for exams.

I will hold them accountable for the work/reading assignments by having discussion-based lectures.

I will not return papers/exams without any comments.

I will expect students' work to be their best, taking into consideration that students are human, not super heroes.

I will not insult them or treat them like children.

I will have accessible office hours, respond to emails, and provide detailed syllabi that I stick to, not change at whim.

I will not lecture them the whole class period.

I will give homework that is actually worth doing (granted, worthwhile is an opinion thing), with no hint at the term busy-work.

I will not be the stuffed-shirt, eagle-eyed professor who goes by Doctor wherever she goes, choosing instead to connect with my students and others on a person-to-person basis, because I am not my degree (particularly on my children's wedding invitations -- seriously?).

I will encourage higher thinking and incorporate many types of presentations because students learn differently and will enjoy learning something they love in a style they understand.

I will not be the professors I had this semester (or most of them). I will guarantee that.

I will be warm and approachable, helpful, yet demanding because I know students can and will do a good job if they know what is expected of them. 

It'll be like teaching Primary, except the students will be bigger and I can wear pants. 

finals weekend...

I'm dying.

Not literally dying, but metaphorically dying. As in my brain cannot seem to function and my eyes want to stay shut forever.

How is it possible for me to have so much to do, yet be so bored?

Honestly, I do not know how I'm going to retain all of this information. All of it is familiar because I discussed it (or listened to my professor drone for an hour every other day) in classes three times a week, but really. I don't know how I'll write good, solid mini essays on events/people/books when I am required to prepare for 41, but only need to know 10. So much information.

Not to mention that same professor, who I have two classes with, told my entire American Studies class that we are "terrible writers" and that "some of your essays are so bad that I just read through the first paragraph and wrote 'I quit' on the top, then gave you a C. If you'd spent time on your essays, and actually attempted to do a good job, I might have read all of it. But really -- it's not like you're freshmen. Really, just awful. Awful."

If I didn't need a good grade, I would write, "I read the first question and it was so bad that I realized I can't take this exam because I don't have enough time to actually attempt to do a good job. I quit."

Temptation. Plagues me to no end.

glad that's over...

Well, I either kicked that exam in the face or that exam kicked me in the face. Not really sure which. All I know is that I wrote from the second I got the test to the second my professor held out his hand for me to stop writing -- I literally wrote straight through for 60 minutes. The last minute was so stressful! I had so much more that I wanted to say, and my hand was cramping up, and my handwriting was dreadful.

Not to mention that my professor was standing right in front of my desk while I was finishing up my last essay...awkward.

Cade...

Things I learned today:  

1. Given a choice, a 3-year-old will always pick the chocolate chip cookie over the hamburger
2. It is possible to be "wiped out" by being hit in the face with a flower
3. Answering to the name Mater can become second nature very quickly
4. When allowing a 3-year-old to play with your phone, it is a good idea to delete your recent call history (oops...sorry, friends) 

But most importantly:

  

     5. There are no hands or faces more beautiful, or hugs and kisses so sweet, as sticky, dirty,  chocolate-y ones

Oh, and that little boys rock. Although I already knew that one.

overwhelmed...

Here's the rub:

I'm stressed, I'm scared, and I'm exhausted. I've eaten too many peanut M&M's, I've contributed nothing to my class study guide except reformatting sections (because let's face it -- some of them were a little scary), and I've scared my dogs because I keep bursting into tears. I have no idea how to study for this exam, I don't know what to expect (because my professor so kindly said that if he told us to prepare for multiple choice or essays or matching that the fun of the exam would be ruined), and I have a horrible feeling that I'm not going to be prepared no matter what I do.

In short, I despise English 251.

Mostly, though, I hate being alone.

start of something new...

After 8 days off, school is back in session. Compared to last semester, there is almost no one on campus. It's a little bit weird...oh, and most of the enrolled students that I've seen are men. My classes have a guy-girl ratio that's insane. Like my first class today: 15 people, 4 girls, 9 guys. I haven't had a class that small since AP US History my junior year of high school. I don't remember what the ratio was for that class, though. I think there were 5 boys...I only remember 3 of them for sure because they were annoying. Always jabbering about something, or starting gender wars based on ability to wrestle or chop wood or something.

High school. So glad that's over.

My English Theory (yikes) class is going to be interesting...my professor is funny and seems pretty chill, but he's all about class participation. This will definitely push me out of my comfort zone. I hardly ever make comments in class because I'm of the opinion that most of the things I say cause people to question my acceptance into the university. But whatever. I'm here, and so are they, and "we're AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL in THIIIIISSS toGEEEEEther," and yes I did just bust out a mid-sentence High School Musical. Which I've never actually seen, by the way.

British Literature 1 is going to be an adventure as well. I knew it the second the professor walked into the room: white and blue checkered button up shirt, lime green tie with light green polka dots, forest green dress pants with a brown belt and gold buckle, gray high top Converse, and when he put his foot on the chair his pants pulled up to reveal red and white striped socks. Add to it the small, pince-nez like glasses and presto! Doctor Hilariously Interesting has arrived.

The people in my class don't know what to do with me. They think I'm weird. I don't know what to do with the people in my class. If they think I'm weird, I think they're all crazy. Seriously...English majors are weird. Not in a bad way, just in a way I've never experienced before. This is a whole new sort of person for me to get used to...they don't get my humor at all, they've never seen any of the movies I quoted. Except for Lord of the Rings, which I mentioned as a joke when the teacher read us "The Finnesburg Fragment," but that turned into a whole class discussion on how Tolkien used his study of the English language to create a world similar to that of the Celts, Saxons, Angles, Jutes. I wasn't being serious. Turns out I hit the nail on the theoretical English head! It's going to be a fun class.

Then there's the internship. I'm thanking my lucky stars that the class has been scheduled for Mondays. It'll totally free up time for me to get hours at work. This internship will be work, too -- much like a part-time job, but I pay to do the work. 10 hours a week, 2 of which are class meetings and 8 of which are learning how to do the actual tutorials in the writing lab. Yay for grants to pay tuition for the credit hours.

PartyLand is still keeping me busy, too. I seriously like that job. Granted, I don't like helping with rentals because there are so many little things that have to be written down and taken care of, and rentals are a huge part of spring/summer business, but other than that it's great. Tracy just hired three new girls, so everything will run super smooth now. PartyLand...completely the opposite of enrollment on campus. While BYU has a prominent amount of testosterone, PartyLand is lacking in everything male. It'll be weird with no guys. Although...maybe we need to recover from Parker...ha, just kidding!

Any dang way, I'm looking forward to being busy. In all seriousness, I'd rather be busy than bored. As long as I can keep my head above water for the next 7-ish weeks, it'll all be just dandy. Bring on the madness! Even though I'm feeling tired just looking at my syllabi. So. Much. Reading.

And honestly, English theory is ridiculous. I'd rather take another stats class. But that's a post for another day when I'm really frustrated instead of just extremely mildly irritated.

PS I got an A- in stats, I'm reasonably sure that I got an A in Religion and an A in Choir, and I have no idea about English or Humanities. Stats grade = I'm buying myself Cafe Rio. Anyone want to go with me?

why am I not like that?

.
It's very hard for me to let things go. It's hard for me to stop thinking, and to focus on one thing at a time. It's hard not to immediately react with fear, not to give up before I get started, to see anything between 85 and 94 percent as a good thing, to believe myself as anything other than potential failure.

It's hard to accept a compliment. Saying thank you is easy, but really accepting it is so, so hard. Like this one, "There isn't anything you can't do! Seriously, if I've ever met anyone who could do anything she wanted to do, anyone who could never fail, it's you." I almost burst into tears. The girl who said it meant it. And what if she were to find out what I'm really like--what would she say then?

It's hard for me to get started on something I'm afraid to do. I have a sort of psychological block that makes it difficult to begin something I'm scared I'll fail. I mean, why try if you're going to fail, right? Wasted time, wasted effort, wasted memory on the laptop disk, wasted paper, wasted ink. Yeah, yeah, it isn't a waste if you learned something. I'm just describing the block, and how I think, and what I'm trying to get over. But it's hard. Like these papers that are due tomorrow. Yes, four papers, due tomorrow. 3 are done now. Or done enough (I don't have a clue what my professor wants, the evaluation he gave me completely contradicts the parameters of the assignment outlined in the syllabus). I really like one of the papers, I like another, and the third I halfway like. I'll fix it tomorrow. As for the fourth, I just have no ideas. That will also get done tomorrow.

It's hard for me to see the good things in life, even when I try. So many people I know are struggling with things, but they're smiling and happy and making other people smile. They're not focused on the hard things, they're focused on the good and happy things. I try, I really do. Sometimes it makes everything worse. It doesn't make sense, I know. That's why I keep trying.

There are so many good ways to be, and good things to be, and good ways to do, and good things to do. How do you apply them to your own life? How do you become who you're going to become when you don't know what you want to become? How do you become anything when you don't even like who you are?


.

awkward, funny, what?

From college:

Guy in my Humanities class: "You just like the Sherlock series because of his curly dark hair. All the girls love that."
Reply: "No. I just like the way he holds his gun."

Stats professor: "I should never ask questions on Monday mornings."

Humanities professor: "You can't disagree with a General Authority. That's starting an argument with God!"

From family:

Amanda: "So we were talking about Afrighanistan in class yesterday..."
Interuption: "Afrighanistan? Do you mean Afghanistan?"
Amanda: "What, you mean I've been saying it wrong my entire life?!"

Amanda: "Whenever I squish a Skittle it turns into a shape like an FUO...wait...no! I meant UFO!"

And last but not least...

From Primary:

Little girl talking about how excited her little brother is that her mom is going to have another little boy...finally: "Now he won't be the lone man in the garden of estrogen."

6-year-old boy: "I don't want to get married."
Another 6-year-old boy: "Yeah. It looks stupid. All that work for dumb kids like us. Adults are crazy."

happy making...

First order of business: yesterday was a bad day and I'm sorry for being a whiny baby. Thank you to all of the people who helped me through it.

Second order of business: today was a pretty darn good day overall. There have been some hard moments (or hours) but it's been good.

Here's why...
...cute boy (Kyle) from my English class sitting down next to me and talking to me before the lecture started (that never happens so it was momentous)
...97% on my 16 hour monstrosity of a literary review
...+3 extra credit points on aforementioned assignment for my "excellent notations" (the word excellent was triple underlined) so...
...100%(!!!) on literary review

[insert much rejoicing]

...ANYWAY...
...96% on my resume portfolio
...watching a video in my religion class that starred my super gorgeous cool cousin Paul (it's only awkward because we're related...if you saw a picture of him, you'd understand)
...15/15 on my stats quiz for the day...I get ridiculously giddy when I get 100% on a stats quiz
...getting to religion class late = bad, but getting there late to find a seat reserved for you by classmates = good...yay FRIENDS!!! Yay Nia, Derek, and Autumn!!!
...lunch with dad
...Coke...three glasses of it...OH DEAR, maybe that's why I'm feeling so great today...*smirk*
...religion professor turning his head really quickly to answer a question and his glasses flying off his face: "Whoa! Maybe we should just have the closing prayer now and call it good, because that was weird."
...Costco adventure with dad to get dinner (spinach artichoke dip and crackers which dad called a genius idea)
..."Safe and Sound" by Taylor Swift...OBSESSED with this song
...getting a hug and a hello from beautiful Allie Morgan(!!!) at Costco
...BLASTING songs on the radio with the car windows rolled down
...multiple favorite songs right in a row on the radio..."Set Fire to the Rain," "Part of Me," "Make You Glad You Came," "We Found Love", and more...all in a ROW
...found my wedding dress last night (so what if it was actually found yesterday, I'm still excited)...do I need it yet? nooo...do I love it anyway? pretty much...YES
...English professor on Twilight movies: "I'm always distracted by Edward's strange looking chest--why is ANYONE attracted to that?!"
...along the lines of pectorals: "See, now you all know how to get me distracted and frazzled. You just have to mention pecs and I'll get all...like this. And I was so excited for a great lecture today."

Oh, it was a great lecture, Liz. Hilarious.

PS The pectoral conversation was my fault...she asked for a good movie for an example of anthamemes (spelling...she never actually wrote it out on the board) and I shouted out "CAPTAIN AMERICA!" Ready, GO! Cue the comments about buff super heroes, naked torsos, rippling pectorals, et cetera. However, that is not why I like the movie. In fact...the scenes where Steve's musculos grandes (quoting from Jordan's most recent letter to me) are emphasized? Those are the ones where I feel really uncomfortable. Sup awk, guys. SUP awk.

I guess I just have issues with nudity.

spoke too soon...

May I just say that I hate missing school? You get behind, you miss quizzes, you have attendance points docked, you're stuck at home by yourself all day, and if the dog pees on the floor when you were asleep it's your fault because you weren't paying attention. Not that she did that, but if she had.

I especially hate missing school when it's because I can't walk from pain. How do you explain that to a professor? "Dear Professor so and so, I missed your class and the quiz due to a sudden illness that occurs frequently but the doctors don't know what is causing it so...yeah. Sorry."

That's the really frustrating thing about this, not being able to explain it.

And so I'm in my room in bed with Misty at my feet, Molly outside because she won't come inside no matter how hard I try, and a giant smartwater bottle next to me with a picture of a crab inside of it (not very smart, smartwater people: the kind of crab you put on the label does not live in freshwater). I have letters to write, homework to do, a party to finish planning, errands to run if I can, laundry in the washer, and all I've done is watch episodes of "Once Upon a Time". Ann showed me the first couple of episodes and now I'm wondering if this is how a fish feels after it's taken the bait...

attack...

My last final for the semester was this morning. I finished it in about ten minutes, due to the fact that all of the questions and answers were taken directly from the quizzes given throughout the semester. After taking the test I walked to my car, drove home, went to my bedroom, and stood in the middle of the floor looking around. Here are the thoughts I had:

This room...disaster. How did I let it get this bad? Hm...I have no more homework to do. I have no tests to study for. I have no papers to write. I have nothing to read. I have nowhere to go. I will probably be very bored in about, eh, five minutes. I have time. Why not? I have nothing to stop me. Heck. It'd be freakin' stupid to let this room stay like this. That's it. I'm doing this.

Charge! I attacked my bedroom, starting with all of the stuff under the bed. Then, with a little bit of guilt and almost a few tears, I boxed up all of my stuffed animals. ALL of them. And I had to consciously remind myself (out loud) that stuffed animals do not have feelings, and that at 19 years old I shouldn't be worrying that they would be sad and afraid and betrayed sitting in a box in the corner of my bedroom. That ordeal over, I started on the bookshelves.

By that time (and currently) I started wondering why in the world I have so much junk. Seriously, I don't know why I've kept half of the stuff that I threw away today or put in a pile to donate or sell. I'm not even finished yet! I have little piles all over my floor that I still need to sort through, mostly loose papers and random odds and ends. I didn't even touch all of my clean clothes that I need to put away. They're sitting in a laundry basket at the end of the bed. Clothes need to be sorted through, too. And the dresser. And the closet.

Ugh. I probably should have waited to start this project until after choir tour. BUT, the bookshelves look great! Progress!


PS I was much more obsessed with Star Wars when I was younger than I ever realized. I've found so much stuff! Books, posters, toys, games, holy crap. I sure have the Force with me; there's little bits of it all over my room! It's kind of embarrassing, looking back. Gah. I was such a nerd in junior high! And the pictures of Hayden Christensen that keep turning up? Haha...to quote Jason (complete with eye roll and slight shudder), "Thank goodness you outgrew THAT phase!!"

PPS I'm very glad that my psych professor waited until the last week of classes to cut his hair. He was cute before, but this new haircut is extremely flattering. When he walked in the room, I totally forgot about the final. He's so cute it's distracting.

quotes from college...

As some of you may know, I started my first official semester of college this fall. Some days I can shout out "I LOVE college!!" Other days...last night, I threw a book onto the floor, stormed out of the room, and in a voice that shocked me yelled, "GAH I AM SO DONE!!!"

So yes. Some days I love college. Other days...I don't hate it but...yeah. Yeah, I hate it.

There are a lot of funny people in college. People say weird things and do weird things and I save the quotes as drafts on my phone. I look at them when I need to laugh or want to remember. Not everything is weird; some things are quite thought provoking. But some things...weird. Like this one: "Some people don't benefit from general ed because their brains aren't mature." -random professor in the hallway.

That one made me stop and inwardly go HUH???

Some from my math teacher: "I am not an advocate of self-restraint" after saying "One time I danced in the middle of the road in my grandpa pajamas because I was confused." Yeah...that was a long story. And this one: "Who likes math in here? Nobody? Surprise!!"

This one is funny to me: "College is concentrated weirdness." -a boy in my choir class

Then this: "When your wife yells at you and says 'You are SO stupid! Why are you so dumb?!' DON'T argue with her. Just agree and say, 'Yes, dear, I know I'm dumb. I'm sorry I'm stupid.' It will save you a lot of problems." That one from my religion teacher.

Speaking of marriage: "Archaeologists never get tired of their wives because the older the women get, the more interested the men become." He also said: "We teach history because we need a job." I'm just going to put it out here...my history teacher? He's a weird dude.

I've got lots more quotes from college I could share. The only problem is that my backpack is downstairs with all of my notebooks in it, and my phone quotes are all ready posted. Perhaps I can share others another day, if you're interested.

College...big sigh.

PS A quote from me: Yesterday I was studying in the Institute building (aka the religion building) and some of the people in my choir class came and sat by me. I had my phone out, and one of the guys said "Hey, I like your phone! What service do you have?"

Now imagine my young self curled up in a big blue armchair, textbook open on my lap, legs propped up on the table, definitely looking very young with her phone out. My curled up, comfy, tired self responds, "I have Cricket. Like the bug."

Well. At least everyone laughed.