Really.
It's the only word I can use to describe the way my life appears right now.
Nothing is working out. No matter where I turn or what I attempt, things fall apart. Often it's not my fault.
Like the fact that the IRS doesn't recognize my social security/address combination, and so there is now an issue with my financial aid. It clearly states my address and social security number on my tax return -- figure it out, government. Oh, wait -- that's too much to ask, isn't it?
Like the fact that I suddenly went from registered for ECON 110 to being 106th on the wait list and I'm a SENIOR.
Like the fact that I have to take ECON 110 at all.
Like the fact that I'm completely alone at home this week because my room mate is out of town in Disneyland, on a vacation that I thought I was going on as well. I'm still not sure why he broke up with me. At least I didn't buy a plane ticket.
Like the fact that my presentation partner flaked out on me and I ended up doing almost all of the work. NEVER have I had such awful groups, EVER, like I have here at BYU. Seriously, I have never had a good group at this college. Of all places -- where we profess to be hardworking and honest and dependable. Guess it's one of those things that's easy to say, right?
Like the fact that my dad is getting sicker, and his company still makes him travel. HELLO. HE HAS CANCER. If you're reading this, dad's employer, I am NOT happy with you. Yeah. My dad's cancer is terminal. He's DYING. And you -- for the sake of the all-mighty dollar -- are making it worse.
Like the fact that my dad really is dying. How fast or how slow, I have no idea. Having that hanging over me all of the time is absolutely horrific.
Like the fact that my ex-fiance treats me like a girlfriend -- that, though, I have more control over. And let me tell you -- that will stop. So help me, it's going to stop.
Like the fact that no matter how well I eat, or how much I exercise, I'm still gaining weight.
Like the fact that no matter how often I pray, or count my blessings, or do nice things for other people, I cannot shake the anxiety and fear that threaten to envelop me every day.
Wow.
What a rant of negativity. Sorry about that -- I feel better though.
Showing posts with label dads. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dads. Show all posts
Monday, June 10, 2013
Friday, March 8, 2013
waiting...
As some of you know, I haven't had the best health for the past two years or so. For a few months, I was improving, and I was excited to get back into "normal" life. However, things have taken a bit of a turn and are gradually worsening.
I admit that frustration and hopelessness start setting in at times. I haven't missed so much school since I was a sophomore in high school. I've never had this many sick days at work (thank heavens my supervisor is understanding and offers his help wherever he can). While I've always been aware of financial difficulties, I've never before felt so pinched. And I've never, ever felt so tired, never. Not only that, but my dad's getting worse as well -- though he won't admit it.
Is it ironic to anyone else that now, at possibly one of the hardest times in my life, I'm happier than I've ever been? Listing out the worries on my mind somehow brings a smile to my face. Yes, I'm physically uncomfortable most of the time, and I worry about losing my dad, but inside, I feel at peace. Every time I start worrying and the concerns press on my mind, I'm able to sit back and think about how good my life really is.
For example. Though I've missed a lot of school, I'm keeping up and am still getting good grades. My work supervisor is incredibly helpful. Money is a serious concern, but it keeps working out every time I really need something. I'm sleeping more frequently than I have in years. And dad is still here, and always happy to spend time with me.
After the third doctor's appointment this month, they finally decided that it's time to start looking for the problem, rather than treating the symptoms. I'll get the test results in a few days -- I'm hoping things will be okay. And they will be -- everything has been working out so far. I don't see why it won't continue to do so.
Waiting, waiting, waiting. For so many things -- although, the wait time for me and Adam continually shortens. So excited.
I admit that frustration and hopelessness start setting in at times. I haven't missed so much school since I was a sophomore in high school. I've never had this many sick days at work (thank heavens my supervisor is understanding and offers his help wherever he can). While I've always been aware of financial difficulties, I've never before felt so pinched. And I've never, ever felt so tired, never. Not only that, but my dad's getting worse as well -- though he won't admit it.
Is it ironic to anyone else that now, at possibly one of the hardest times in my life, I'm happier than I've ever been? Listing out the worries on my mind somehow brings a smile to my face. Yes, I'm physically uncomfortable most of the time, and I worry about losing my dad, but inside, I feel at peace. Every time I start worrying and the concerns press on my mind, I'm able to sit back and think about how good my life really is.
For example. Though I've missed a lot of school, I'm keeping up and am still getting good grades. My work supervisor is incredibly helpful. Money is a serious concern, but it keeps working out every time I really need something. I'm sleeping more frequently than I have in years. And dad is still here, and always happy to spend time with me.
After the third doctor's appointment this month, they finally decided that it's time to start looking for the problem, rather than treating the symptoms. I'll get the test results in a few days -- I'm hoping things will be okay. And they will be -- everything has been working out so far. I don't see why it won't continue to do so.
Waiting, waiting, waiting. For so many things -- although, the wait time for me and Adam continually shortens. So excited.
Monday, July 23, 2012
glue...
Sometimes I feel that all I can do is focus on holding myself together, forcing myself to dwell on the good things rather than the not so good things. And it makes things easier to bear. And it makes it easier to fall asleep at night.
...how fun it is to watch any of the extended editions of the Lord of the Rings with someone who hasn't seen the long versions before -- Brianna and I watched The Fellowship of the Ring this afternoon and it was fantastic
...freshly baked cookies topped with cold ice cream
...long talks and big hugs from daddy
...the sudden frequency of huge fluffy, puffy, cotton candy clouds that float over the valley and every so often share their watery burden with us down below
...promises from heaven that are being kept daily
...that I actually look really cute in skirts
...how wonderful it feels to be clean and fresh after a hot shower
...that I don't have to wash dishes or clothes by hand
...that I've been very lucky when it comes to the times I can't handle the physical pain -- so far it's usually been on weekends or holidays when I don't have work or school
...I'm twenty year old single college student with one room mate and I don't live in an apartment -- wow
...my school schedule keeps working out so well -- so do my money worries
...D&C 6:34 -- "Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail."
..."Once Upon Another Time"
...the feel of his hand in mine and the sound of his heart beating in my ear
I like to remember
...how fun it is to watch any of the extended editions of the Lord of the Rings with someone who hasn't seen the long versions before -- Brianna and I watched The Fellowship of the Ring this afternoon and it was fantastic
...freshly baked cookies topped with cold ice cream
...long talks and big hugs from daddy
...the sudden frequency of huge fluffy, puffy, cotton candy clouds that float over the valley and every so often share their watery burden with us down below
...promises from heaven that are being kept daily
...that I actually look really cute in skirts
...how wonderful it feels to be clean and fresh after a hot shower
...that I don't have to wash dishes or clothes by hand
...that I've been very lucky when it comes to the times I can't handle the physical pain -- so far it's usually been on weekends or holidays when I don't have work or school
...I'm twenty year old single college student with one room mate and I don't live in an apartment -- wow
...my school schedule keeps working out so well -- so do my money worries
...D&C 6:34 -- "Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail."
..."Once Upon Another Time"
...the feel of his hand in mine and the sound of his heart beating in my ear
Saturday, July 21, 2012
mini Steve...
 |
You know your dad loves you when he gets you a Captain America jump drive for your second year at BYU.
|
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Pretty sure my files are going to be very safe from now on. Even when he's pocket size, Cap's the perfect man for any job. |
Friday, July 20, 2012
reaction time...
My friend Linnea is quite possibly one of the most "chill" people I have ever met. So when she told me that I was so stressed out that I was making her nervous, I knew that there was something wrong.
At first I was a little confused. I didn't feel particularly stressed -- more like exhausted and scared. Which, come to think of it, are symptoms of stress. I began a mental inventory of things that could possibly be stressing me out.
One. The Parker thing. And it doesn't have anything to do with the post about the conversation we had on the phone.
Two. School. Like the fact that I might have to go for another year. And that it costs money.
Three. School with two jobs and wondering how I am going to get my homework done this fall.
Four. Money. Two jobs, school, rent, food. Money. Bleh.
Five. Room mate stuff for fall.
Six. Having too much food in the fridge/pantry/freezer (yes -- that does stress me out a little).
So I had a list of things that were stressing me out, but they didn't seem like anything I haven't been a little worried about this whole summer. They've always been there in the back of my mind (except for the Parker thing because that's new). Why surface now?
While running a double check inventory, I remembered these little things.
One. Dad has started his cancer treatments (oh, yeah, I forgot to mention -- my dad was diagnosed with cancer two weeks ago). He actually seems to be feeling a little better. He's not quite as tired.
Two. Callie is doing much better. She told the authorities and a court date is set for next week. She also bought a fish today and named him Thomas. She carries her pepper spray with her all the time, and she is laughing and smiling often. She isn't healed, but she's getting better every day.
Three. Things at work are a little better.
But all of these things are good developments, so why are they stressing me out?
Oh. Wait. Because now that all of these people involved are doing better, I seem to have subconsciously recognized that I can take a bit of a break from being the strong one. Think of it as a delayed reaction -- two weeks after the fact, I'm starting to really feel the impact of all of these things. My dad. Callie. Work. Even little Leonardo dying (I miss him so much). I suddenly feel awful -- nervous, exhausted, irritated, sometimes downright depressed -- and I think part of it is because it isn't necessary for me to be calm, or just there, all of the time.
Couple this lack of being needed with the resurfacing old stresses (plus the Parker thing) and presto. You've got one awkward, jumpy, uptight, spring-loaded little girl. Delayed reactions, people. De-freakin-layed.
Bad. Bad, bad. Thank goodness for a good gym buddy (working out really does help with stress -- who knew), strawberries, a fat old chocolate lab whom I love, and the promise of an evening with the Raddatz family tomorrow night. Always good to have something to look forward to! Not to mention I'm providing Thomas the Betta with an apartment and food for his new residence in PartyLand. He's gonna be one spoiled little fishy.
Actually...having Thomas at PartyLand is another stress. I'm feeling extremely protective over this little fish. Bettas are a bit tricky. If he dies...good grief. I might fall apart.
Bad. I need more strawberries. And sleep. Psh. Sleep. Who does that?
At first I was a little confused. I didn't feel particularly stressed -- more like exhausted and scared. Which, come to think of it, are symptoms of stress. I began a mental inventory of things that could possibly be stressing me out.
One. The Parker thing. And it doesn't have anything to do with the post about the conversation we had on the phone.
Two. School. Like the fact that I might have to go for another year. And that it costs money.
Three. School with two jobs and wondering how I am going to get my homework done this fall.
Four. Money. Two jobs, school, rent, food. Money. Bleh.
Five. Room mate stuff for fall.
Six. Having too much food in the fridge/pantry/freezer (yes -- that does stress me out a little).
So I had a list of things that were stressing me out, but they didn't seem like anything I haven't been a little worried about this whole summer. They've always been there in the back of my mind (except for the Parker thing because that's new). Why surface now?
While running a double check inventory, I remembered these little things.
One. Dad has started his cancer treatments (oh, yeah, I forgot to mention -- my dad was diagnosed with cancer two weeks ago). He actually seems to be feeling a little better. He's not quite as tired.
Two. Callie is doing much better. She told the authorities and a court date is set for next week. She also bought a fish today and named him Thomas. She carries her pepper spray with her all the time, and she is laughing and smiling often. She isn't healed, but she's getting better every day.
Three. Things at work are a little better.
But all of these things are good developments, so why are they stressing me out?
Oh. Wait. Because now that all of these people involved are doing better, I seem to have subconsciously recognized that I can take a bit of a break from being the strong one. Think of it as a delayed reaction -- two weeks after the fact, I'm starting to really feel the impact of all of these things. My dad. Callie. Work. Even little Leonardo dying (I miss him so much). I suddenly feel awful -- nervous, exhausted, irritated, sometimes downright depressed -- and I think part of it is because it isn't necessary for me to be calm, or just there, all of the time.
Couple this lack of being needed with the resurfacing old stresses (plus the Parker thing) and presto. You've got one awkward, jumpy, uptight, spring-loaded little girl. Delayed reactions, people. De-freakin-layed.
Bad. Bad, bad. Thank goodness for a good gym buddy (working out really does help with stress -- who knew), strawberries, a fat old chocolate lab whom I love, and the promise of an evening with the Raddatz family tomorrow night. Always good to have something to look forward to! Not to mention I'm providing Thomas the Betta with an apartment and food for his new residence in PartyLand. He's gonna be one spoiled little fishy.
Actually...having Thomas at PartyLand is another stress. I'm feeling extremely protective over this little fish. Bettas are a bit tricky. If he dies...good grief. I might fall apart.
Bad. I need more strawberries. And sleep. Psh. Sleep. Who does that?
Monday, June 11, 2012
little sure shot...
ACTUALLY I'm not talking about me. That name has been taken by Brianna. Holy smoke, kids, that girl is handy with a pistol. I do not recommend meeting her in a dark alley if you have funny business in mind.
As you noticed, I went to the Summerfest carnival with Brianna and Matt on Friday night. It was so much fun -- some people don't like going to it very much, because it's loud and you get some interesting characters there. I for one love it! The people that you see, the lights on the rides, the sounds of laughter and music, the smells of cotton candy and scones, the whole thing is absolutely enjoyable. It's something I look forward to every year. Later in the evening, after taking copious pictures of the ferris wheel, the merry-go-round (love), and the lovebirds, we headed off to Sonic for chili cheese tater tots (strangest and surprisingly good combination of food), mozarella sticks, cherry limeade, and brownie bite-cookie dough shakes (genius).
Now the first paragraph will tie in. After that wonderful start of the weekend, Brianna and Matt took me shooting with them. Up until Saturday morning I had never shot a gun in my life, let alone held one. Matt taught me how to load and fire a couple of pistols (the first is Brianna's gun, a smaller pistol and the second is Matt's, a self-defense pistol that was terrifying), a .22, and his 30.06 (aka a really big rifle built in 1940 that was recomissioned for sporting by the NRA).
Guess what my favorite gun to shoot was? If you guessed the little pistol, guess again. If you guessed the big pistol, well, I hinted above that I didn't like it (seriously, so scary). The .22 was fun, but...the 30.06?
LOVE at first sight (because it had a scope on it -- you know, for sighting -- get it?). The first time I shot that thing, it nearly knocked me over! Once I was able to adjust to the kick, dang. That gun is a total blast! I finally figured out how to use the scope, and I exploded a couple of soda cans (because both Matt and Brianna don't like Diet Dr. Pepper so we used cans as targets) and did fairly well with the other targets, too. It was just so much fun! The 30.06 is a bolt action, so after each bullet you pull back the bolt and the shell ejects, then slide it back into place to fire again. I felt so cool! I think part of the reason why I liked it so much was because of that particular feature (I'll admit it, I kept imagining the scene in Captain America where Bucky takes out the Nazi whose got his sights on Steve). That and the sheer power of the gun -- wow. Absolutely thrilling. I haven't had that much fun in a long time! Kids, you got yourself a convert here. I like guns! And the giant bruises on my shoulder and arm are totally worth it because they also make me feel cool, unlike the bruises I get from falling when I go ice skating -- those just make me feel clumsy.
The rest of the weekend was just as grand. I was able to walk in the parade with some of my LDC friends, and afterwards I got to watch the fireworks with Brianna's family (because my family decided they didn't want to go). Sunday followed up with a fun Primary lesson, a nap, four papers, and Peaceful Warrior, which really is incredibly inspiring. I've been trying out some of the things that the main character learns in the movie, and they work! It'll take practice though (as will rifle shooting -- really, though, it was so fun).
Monday has been pretty grand as well, what with practicing new ways of thinking and spending time with my dad. I drove him to the airport again so that he could go on another business trip, and we got lunch at Zupas and talked for a little while. On the way home I stopped at Gardner Village and picked up a couple of things at Anastasia's Attic. If you haven't been there, GO. It's the cutest, sweetest, blingy-est, beautiful store. All of Gardner Village is great! And the candy sticks at Sweet Afton's are the best. Sweet Afton's Candy Shop is the Honeydukes for Muggles. Seriously, Gardner Village is like Utah's Hogsmeade or something. So much fun.
A most excellent weekend, my friends. Most excellent.
As you noticed, I went to the Summerfest carnival with Brianna and Matt on Friday night. It was so much fun -- some people don't like going to it very much, because it's loud and you get some interesting characters there. I for one love it! The people that you see, the lights on the rides, the sounds of laughter and music, the smells of cotton candy and scones, the whole thing is absolutely enjoyable. It's something I look forward to every year. Later in the evening, after taking copious pictures of the ferris wheel, the merry-go-round (love), and the lovebirds, we headed off to Sonic for chili cheese tater tots (strangest and surprisingly good combination of food), mozarella sticks, cherry limeade, and brownie bite-cookie dough shakes (genius).
Now the first paragraph will tie in. After that wonderful start of the weekend, Brianna and Matt took me shooting with them. Up until Saturday morning I had never shot a gun in my life, let alone held one. Matt taught me how to load and fire a couple of pistols (the first is Brianna's gun, a smaller pistol and the second is Matt's, a self-defense pistol that was terrifying), a .22, and his 30.06 (aka a really big rifle built in 1940 that was recomissioned for sporting by the NRA).
Guess what my favorite gun to shoot was? If you guessed the little pistol, guess again. If you guessed the big pistol, well, I hinted above that I didn't like it (seriously, so scary). The .22 was fun, but...the 30.06?
LOVE at first sight (because it had a scope on it -- you know, for sighting -- get it?). The first time I shot that thing, it nearly knocked me over! Once I was able to adjust to the kick, dang. That gun is a total blast! I finally figured out how to use the scope, and I exploded a couple of soda cans (because both Matt and Brianna don't like Diet Dr. Pepper so we used cans as targets) and did fairly well with the other targets, too. It was just so much fun! The 30.06 is a bolt action, so after each bullet you pull back the bolt and the shell ejects, then slide it back into place to fire again. I felt so cool! I think part of the reason why I liked it so much was because of that particular feature (I'll admit it, I kept imagining the scene in Captain America where Bucky takes out the Nazi whose got his sights on Steve). That and the sheer power of the gun -- wow. Absolutely thrilling. I haven't had that much fun in a long time! Kids, you got yourself a convert here. I like guns! And the giant bruises on my shoulder and arm are totally worth it because they also make me feel cool, unlike the bruises I get from falling when I go ice skating -- those just make me feel clumsy.
The rest of the weekend was just as grand. I was able to walk in the parade with some of my LDC friends, and afterwards I got to watch the fireworks with Brianna's family (because my family decided they didn't want to go). Sunday followed up with a fun Primary lesson, a nap, four papers, and Peaceful Warrior, which really is incredibly inspiring. I've been trying out some of the things that the main character learns in the movie, and they work! It'll take practice though (as will rifle shooting -- really, though, it was so fun).
Monday has been pretty grand as well, what with practicing new ways of thinking and spending time with my dad. I drove him to the airport again so that he could go on another business trip, and we got lunch at Zupas and talked for a little while. On the way home I stopped at Gardner Village and picked up a couple of things at Anastasia's Attic. If you haven't been there, GO. It's the cutest, sweetest, blingy-est, beautiful store. All of Gardner Village is great! And the candy sticks at Sweet Afton's are the best. Sweet Afton's Candy Shop is the Honeydukes for Muggles. Seriously, Gardner Village is like Utah's Hogsmeade or something. So much fun.
A most excellent weekend, my friends. Most excellent.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
lucky...
It's been another one of those difficult weeks. Lots of pain, little sleep, many things to do, and home alone often. I've been very grateful that it's a three day weekend, because it means that I won't miss any school but I can still rest.
I've also been very grateful for the little things that have reminded me that someone is watching out for me. I'm lucky to be where I am and to have the people that have been put in my life.
I'm lucky because
...Misty is one of the sweetest little dogs in the entire world. She sleeps with me, she spends time with me, she makes me laugh when I'm sad, and she cuddles with me when we're both cold. Love that dog.
...people like Steven and Dominique text me just to say hello. It's always great to have a day start with a text that says you're loved.
...that lovely girl Q sent me a short message to tell me that she loves me.
...Kenna invited me to hang out with her on Saturday morning. We made breakfast and talked about how wonderful life is, even when it's hard (because it truly is wonderful). She and I think so alike it's scary. We decided again that we definitely are sisters; we just had to find each other.
...Dad asked me to watch Captain America with him on Friday night because we both weren't feeling well. He bought pizza and cookies (I know, great food when you're sick, haha) and we watched the movie together. It was great.
...I got to talk to Jaden, Ruthie, Coty, Brianna, and Corby today. I love text messaging -- I can have conversations with multiple friends at once without any of them needing to leave a voicemail (which half the time I don't get anyway. My phone is dying).
...I was really worried that some of my friends were upset at me, but then one of them sent me an email to say hello and I felt better about everything.
The Lord cares enough about me to put me in contact with people who stay in contact with me. Friendships mean a lot to me, and to have others care about a relationship as much as I do helps me keep going. I know I need to learn to be less dependent on others, but you know? I really can take care of myself, and I do, even on the days that I'm sad. It just makes it a little bit easier when there's somebody to talk to -- even if in the talking we never address anything other than the happy things.
Most of these people don't know that this week has been hard. That's one of the reasons why it meant so much to me for them to say hello or spend time with me. They were each answers to prayers in their own way, and for that I am very grateful.
Life is GREAT, guys. Even when it's hard, it's great.
I've also been very grateful for the little things that have reminded me that someone is watching out for me. I'm lucky to be where I am and to have the people that have been put in my life.
...Misty is one of the sweetest little dogs in the entire world. She sleeps with me, she spends time with me, she makes me laugh when I'm sad, and she cuddles with me when we're both cold. Love that dog.
...people like Steven and Dominique text me just to say hello. It's always great to have a day start with a text that says you're loved.
...that lovely girl Q sent me a short message to tell me that she loves me.
...Kenna invited me to hang out with her on Saturday morning. We made breakfast and talked about how wonderful life is, even when it's hard (because it truly is wonderful). She and I think so alike it's scary. We decided again that we definitely are sisters; we just had to find each other.
...Dad asked me to watch Captain America with him on Friday night because we both weren't feeling well. He bought pizza and cookies (I know, great food when you're sick, haha) and we watched the movie together. It was great.
...I got to talk to Jaden, Ruthie, Coty, Brianna, and Corby today. I love text messaging -- I can have conversations with multiple friends at once without any of them needing to leave a voicemail (which half the time I don't get anyway. My phone is dying).
...I was really worried that some of my friends were upset at me, but then one of them sent me an email to say hello and I felt better about everything.
The Lord cares enough about me to put me in contact with people who stay in contact with me. Friendships mean a lot to me, and to have others care about a relationship as much as I do helps me keep going. I know I need to learn to be less dependent on others, but you know? I really can take care of myself, and I do, even on the days that I'm sad. It just makes it a little bit easier when there's somebody to talk to -- even if in the talking we never address anything other than the happy things.
Most of these people don't know that this week has been hard. That's one of the reasons why it meant so much to me for them to say hello or spend time with me. They were each answers to prayers in their own way, and for that I am very grateful.
Life is GREAT, guys. Even when it's hard, it's great.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
blah...
I've noticed that I blog a lot more when I'm feeling anxious. Kind of like right now.
This exam is stressing me out so much. I've studied for four hours today, and two yesterday, with some regular prepping for class sessions every day this term, but I don't feel like it's enough.
I don't know what I'm supposed to know! I don't know the format, I don't have any clue about the types of questions that will be on the exam, I don't know how to give good answers.
...thank goodness for good things...
...for my dog Misty, who has spent the whole day with me
...for Alyssa, who made the shift enjoyable
...for Brianna, who visited me at work and brought me beautiful pink flowers in a mason jar with an orange ribbon (love the ribbon so much)
...for Taco Bell, which has cheap food (even though I had to force myself not to think about what I was eating -- it's a lot better in my imagination than it is in my mouth. You can feel the calories -- sick)
...for my dad, who called me again tonight
...for silly temporary tattoos, Iron Man flying across my right collar bone (I'm such a rebel)
...for hot showers, because no one has been home to run any water all day
...for clean sheets, which smell so good and are so soft
...for parties to look forward to this weekend
Because even though I'm an emotional wreck, good things still happen.
Still...emotional wreck. I hate feeling so unprepared for an exam, especially after I've spent so much time with the material. Ugh. Whatever. Sleeping pill time. After 12pm tomorrow, the exam will be over and that will be that. Joy.
This exam is stressing me out so much. I've studied for four hours today, and two yesterday, with some regular prepping for class sessions every day this term, but I don't feel like it's enough.
I don't know what I'm supposed to know! I don't know the format, I don't have any clue about the types of questions that will be on the exam, I don't know how to give good answers.
...for my dog Misty, who has spent the whole day with me
...for Alyssa, who made the shift enjoyable
...for Brianna, who visited me at work and brought me beautiful pink flowers in a mason jar with an orange ribbon (love the ribbon so much)
...for Taco Bell, which has cheap food (even though I had to force myself not to think about what I was eating -- it's a lot better in my imagination than it is in my mouth. You can feel the calories -- sick)
...for my dad, who called me again tonight
...for silly temporary tattoos, Iron Man flying across my right collar bone (I'm such a rebel)
...for hot showers, because no one has been home to run any water all day
...for clean sheets, which smell so good and are so soft
...for parties to look forward to this weekend
Still...emotional wreck. I hate feeling so unprepared for an exam, especially after I've spent so much time with the material. Ugh. Whatever. Sleeping pill time. After 12pm tomorrow, the exam will be over and that will be that. Joy.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
stressed...
1. Finals
2. Finals...I cannot afford to fail my finals...finals
3. Stupid Religion project which I am going to fail because there is no way this seed is going to grow. It's the 7th one I've tried to get to grow over the course of the semester. I've done everything my professor told us to do. Still nothing. It's due on Wednesday. Nothing. Failing grade.
4. Bedroom = disaster
5. Money. Where does it all go?
6. Finals
7. Can't sleep. Almost ever. When I do sleep, it's just nightmares and tossing and turning, never resting.
8. Mom
9. Mom
10. Mom
11. Finals
12. How lonely I feel, and how guilty I feel that I haven't been able to keep in touch with others or help them as much as I wish I could
13. Ate too much...keep eating too much...checked the scale and saw weight gain...bad words in my head
14. Are you still mad at me? I wish you'd tell me, because I'm too afraid to ask you.
15. Dad's going out of town this week again, it's spring break for my sister, choir tour for my other sister, finals for me and mom...ugh. It's going to be a long week.
16. My family (mom's side of the family minus mom because she was sick and stayed home) spent a quarter of an hour after dinner tonight discussing how great I am and how well I represent the family. How good a student I am and how I'll be the first grandchild to graduate from college, how I'll be the first grandchild to go on a mission, how they guess I'll be the first to find a worthy young man to marry, how I set and will continue to set a good example for the rest of the cousins, how I'm good and kind and hard working and intelligent and so much more, so much that I wanted to stand up and scream STOP IT PLEASE. How am I supposed to live up to all of that? What happens if I don't do well, if I do make a mistake, if I fail somewhere? What will they all say? What will they think of me?
17. I have no idea how I got this limp in my left leg, but I did, and it hurts, and I don't know why. Maybe it has something to do with the knots in my shoulders...I need knew pillows. Money...bug.
18. Wow, I'm a brat. Look at how good I've got it and all I see are the bad things. Stupid girl! Grow up.
2. Finals...I cannot afford to fail my finals...finals
3. Stupid Religion project which I am going to fail because there is no way this seed is going to grow. It's the 7th one I've tried to get to grow over the course of the semester. I've done everything my professor told us to do. Still nothing. It's due on Wednesday. Nothing. Failing grade.
4. Bedroom = disaster
5. Money. Where does it all go?
6. Finals
7. Can't sleep. Almost ever. When I do sleep, it's just nightmares and tossing and turning, never resting.
8. Mom
9. Mom
10. Mom
11. Finals
12. How lonely I feel, and how guilty I feel that I haven't been able to keep in touch with others or help them as much as I wish I could
13. Ate too much...keep eating too much...checked the scale and saw weight gain...bad words in my head
14. Are you still mad at me? I wish you'd tell me, because I'm too afraid to ask you.
15. Dad's going out of town this week again, it's spring break for my sister, choir tour for my other sister, finals for me and mom...ugh. It's going to be a long week.
16. My family (mom's side of the family minus mom because she was sick and stayed home) spent a quarter of an hour after dinner tonight discussing how great I am and how well I represent the family. How good a student I am and how I'll be the first grandchild to graduate from college, how I'll be the first grandchild to go on a mission, how they guess I'll be the first to find a worthy young man to marry, how I set and will continue to set a good example for the rest of the cousins, how I'm good and kind and hard working and intelligent and so much more, so much that I wanted to stand up and scream STOP IT PLEASE. How am I supposed to live up to all of that? What happens if I don't do well, if I do make a mistake, if I fail somewhere? What will they all say? What will they think of me?
17. I have no idea how I got this limp in my left leg, but I did, and it hurts, and I don't know why. Maybe it has something to do with the knots in my shoulders...I need knew pillows. Money...bug.
18. Wow, I'm a brat. Look at how good I've got it and all I see are the bad things. Stupid girl! Grow up.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
weekend...
I made callbacks for the show. I did not get cast. I'm trying not to be upset about it anymore. Being honest, though, it's really hard to accept that the directors considered me "head and shoulders" above everyone else in all but one area. My mom is on the production team for one of the shows that I tried out for, so she told me what happened. It got down to me and one other girl for a role, and even though I was proficient in every single area but the one she was good at, they cast her. Why? She's a theater major. I'm an American Studies major. Should have seen that one coming.
I'll get over it. I probably won't be trying out for anything at the Y ever again though. What's the point if they're going to pick a theater major for all of the plays, dance majors for all of the dance teams, and music majors for all of the choirs? It's hard to be told that you're fantastic, and a "first choice," then be shunted aside for someone who is in the department.
Understandable, really. But it doesn't feel very good.
The other most memorable, less disappointing thing of the weekend: guess who got a letter today? This girl did. My dad actually drove over to my work and gave me the letter because he knew how excited it would make me. I have the greatest dad ever. And he was right. I just about threw the box I was holding into the air, I was so out of my mind happy.
Elder Raddatz is doing well. He said that General Conference was awesome (which made me feel slightly guilty because I didn't catch any of it), and that he and his companion have gotten in contact with two new people who are very interested in our church. It's really great!
Jordan is doing so awesome out there! Every time I talk to his mom she has stories about how well things are going in Jordan's area. He's a busy guy! It's nice that he took the time to write to me. And I love that he still addresses all of the letters with the nickname his little sister came up with for me. Makes the letters even more special, you know?
Wow, I miss him. I need to start working on his birthday present. Any ideas for me?
PS "Once Upon a Time" is just annoying. I caught up on the episodes I've missed and the show just bugs me. So why do I watch it? I honestly do not know. Meh.
I'll get over it. I probably won't be trying out for anything at the Y ever again though. What's the point if they're going to pick a theater major for all of the plays, dance majors for all of the dance teams, and music majors for all of the choirs? It's hard to be told that you're fantastic, and a "first choice," then be shunted aside for someone who is in the department.
Understandable, really. But it doesn't feel very good.
The other most memorable, less disappointing thing of the weekend: guess who got a letter today? This girl did. My dad actually drove over to my work and gave me the letter because he knew how excited it would make me. I have the greatest dad ever. And he was right. I just about threw the box I was holding into the air, I was so out of my mind happy.
Elder Raddatz is doing well. He said that General Conference was awesome (which made me feel slightly guilty because I didn't catch any of it), and that he and his companion have gotten in contact with two new people who are very interested in our church. It's really great!
Jordan is doing so awesome out there! Every time I talk to his mom she has stories about how well things are going in Jordan's area. He's a busy guy! It's nice that he took the time to write to me. And I love that he still addresses all of the letters with the nickname his little sister came up with for me. Makes the letters even more special, you know?
Wow, I miss him. I need to start working on his birthday present. Any ideas for me?
PS "Once Upon a Time" is just annoying. I caught up on the episodes I've missed and the show just bugs me. So why do I watch it? I honestly do not know. Meh.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
lately...
...it's unfortunate that someone so talented as you are can be so unkind. Just because you're one of the big names in the BYU music department doesn't give you a right to treat your students in such a truly rude fashion. That isn't teaching -- teaching is building, not breaking. Build trust, build talent, build excellence -- build people.
...people who are cruel to animals, even mice, make me sick. So sick that yes, I did start to cry during my Stats class today.
...what is it to love someone? Really. What is it?
...I'm not sure why I don't want to talk to people anymore, or go anywhere. It just doesn't appeal to me right now. At all.
...why, yes, I did write an 8-page paper on the day that it was due. Happiness for first drafts. Time to revise it.
...wore flip flops to school today. Almost barefoot on a beautiful spring day.
...my dad told me that Pinterest was a waste of time. Then I made German pancakes. He asked me what I'd pinned this week, and if I needed him to go to the grocery store to get anything for a new recipe. #heartDaddy
...despite feeling (dare I say being) very against any social contact with people, I did text Parker last night, and he and I went to a movie. We Bought a Zoo. So cute. Little girl -- beagle -- Spar -- happy soundtrack -- good movie. Best part? Spending time with Parker. Love that guy. Best buds.
...too many bad dreams. Waking up to sunshine is a nice change.
...my Humanities professor said this: "Now, Georgie here really shows her purity and dearness with her comment about how people are all hypocrites but all doing their best despite that. You can tell she's a really sweet, dear girl." Turned a bad day around and I was all glowy inside. Still a little glowy.
...often near tears...not sure why...just the way it goes sometimes.
...back to We Bought a Zoo, let me say that I haven't smiled during a movie so much as I did last night. I've thought about it sometimes today and I just grin.
...tired. Very, very tired.
...empty?
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
happy making...
First order of business: yesterday was a bad day and I'm sorry for being a whiny baby. Thank you to all of the people who helped me through it.
Second order of business: today was a pretty darn good day overall. There have been some hard moments (or hours) but it's been good.
Here's why...
...cute boy (Kyle) from my English class sitting down next to me and talking to me before the lecture started (that never happens so it was momentous)
...97% on my 16 hour monstrosity of a literary review
...+3 extra credit points on aforementioned assignment for my "excellent notations" (the word excellent was triple underlined) so...
...100%(!!!) on literary review
[insert much rejoicing]
...ANYWAY...
...96% on my resume portfolio
...watching a video in my religion class that starred my supergorgeous cool cousin Paul (it's only awkward because we're related...if you saw a picture of him, you'd understand)
...15/15 on my stats quiz for the day...I get ridiculously giddy when I get 100% on a stats quiz
...getting to religion class late = bad, but getting there late to find a seat reserved for you by classmates = good...yay FRIENDS!!! Yay Nia, Derek, and Autumn!!!
...lunch with dad
...Coke...three glasses of it...OH DEAR, maybe that's why I'm feeling so great today...*smirk*
...religion professor turning his head really quickly to answer a question and his glasses flying off his face: "Whoa! Maybe we should just have the closing prayer now and call it good, because that was weird."
...Costco adventure with dad to get dinner (spinach artichoke dip and crackers which dad called a genius idea)
..."Safe and Sound" by Taylor Swift...OBSESSED with this song
...getting a hug and a hello from beautiful Allie Morgan(!!!) at Costco
...BLASTING songs on the radio with the car windows rolled down
...multiple favorite songs right in a row on the radio..."Set Fire to the Rain," "Part of Me," "Make You Glad You Came," "We Found Love", and more...all in a ROW
...found my wedding dress last night (so what if it was actually found yesterday, I'm still excited)...do I need it yet? nooo...do I love it anyway? pretty much...YES
...English professor on Twilight movies: "I'm always distracted by Edward's strange looking chest--why is ANYONE attracted to that?!"
...along the lines of pectorals: "See, now you all know how to get me distracted and frazzled. You just have to mention pecs and I'll get all...like this. And I was so excited for a great lecture today."
Oh, it was a great lecture, Liz. Hilarious.
PS The pectoral conversation was my fault...she asked for a good movie for an example of anthamemes (spelling...she never actually wrote it out on the board) and I shouted out "CAPTAIN AMERICA!" Ready, GO! Cue the comments about buff super heroes, naked torsos, rippling pectorals, et cetera. However, that is not why I like the movie. In fact...the scenes where Steve's musculos grandes (quoting from Jordan's most recent letter to me) are emphasized? Those are the ones where I feel really uncomfortable. Sup awk, guys. SUP awk.
I guess I just have issues with nudity.
Second order of business: today was a pretty darn good day overall. There have been some hard moments (or hours) but it's been good.
...cute boy (Kyle) from my English class sitting down next to me and talking to me before the lecture started (that never happens so it was momentous)
...97% on my 16 hour monstrosity of a literary review
...+3 extra credit points on aforementioned assignment for my "excellent notations" (the word excellent was triple underlined) so...
...100%(!!!) on literary review
...ANYWAY...
...96% on my resume portfolio
...watching a video in my religion class that starred my super
...15/15 on my stats quiz for the day...I get ridiculously giddy when I get 100% on a stats quiz
...getting to religion class late = bad, but getting there late to find a seat reserved for you by classmates = good...yay FRIENDS!!! Yay Nia, Derek, and Autumn!!!
...lunch with dad
...Coke...three glasses of it...OH DEAR, maybe that's why I'm feeling so great today...*smirk*
...religion professor turning his head really quickly to answer a question and his glasses flying off his face: "Whoa! Maybe we should just have the closing prayer now and call it good, because that was weird."
...Costco adventure with dad to get dinner (spinach artichoke dip and crackers which dad called a genius idea)
..."Safe and Sound" by Taylor Swift...OBSESSED with this song
...getting a hug and a hello from beautiful Allie Morgan(!!!) at Costco
...BLASTING songs on the radio with the car windows rolled down
...multiple favorite songs right in a row on the radio..."Set Fire to the Rain," "Part of Me," "Make You Glad You Came," "We Found Love", and more...all in a ROW
...found my wedding dress last night (so what if it was actually found yesterday, I'm still excited)...do I need it yet? nooo...do I love it anyway? pretty much...YES
...English professor on Twilight movies: "I'm always distracted by Edward's strange looking chest--why is ANYONE attracted to that?!"
...along the lines of pectorals: "See, now you all know how to get me distracted and frazzled. You just have to mention pecs and I'll get all...like this. And I was so excited for a great lecture today."
PS The pectoral conversation was my fault...she asked for a good movie for an example of anthamemes (spelling...she never actually wrote it out on the board) and I shouted out "CAPTAIN AMERICA!" Ready, GO! Cue the comments about buff super heroes, naked torsos, rippling pectorals, et cetera. However, that is not why I like the movie. In fact...the scenes where Steve's musculos grandes (quoting from Jordan's most recent letter to me) are emphasized? Those are the ones where I feel really uncomfortable. Sup awk, guys. SUP awk.
I guess I just have issues with nudity.
Monday, November 21, 2011
crazy spiritual weekend...
I am developing a theory. This theory has to do with my personal limitations when it comes to spiritual experiences. I am beginning to believe that due to my spiritual maturity and understanding at this time in my life, I am only able to handle a small amount of spiritual-ness. After a certain point, I reach full capacity. "My cup runneth over" and I am literally unable to process any more. Then come tears that won't stop, the absolute exhaustion of body and mind, and the slight hungover feeling that reminds me of the times when I have accidentally taken too much cough syrup before bed.
This weekend has been incredible when it comes to feeling the Holy Ghost. From Friday morning clear through Sunday night, it's been almost non-stop, body and soul immersion. Much of the time it's been with the same people: Friday at the LDC rehearsal and the afternoon devotional, then with my family and Ann at my sisters' Children of Eden performance. Saturday was LDC's performances in The Forgotten Carols with Michael McLean, so all day was spent rehearsing, performing, and spending time the wonderful choir members. Sunday was LDC's Thanksgiving concert with two other local choirs. Each experience has been incredible...each one has also left me feeling overwhelmed, building on one another until I now feel totally out of it.
This weekend I've been reassured, corrected, comforted, promised, reminded, and blessed multiple times in the past three days. It's literally too much to take in; as Sister Terry says, it's like getting a drink of water from a fire hydrant. WHOOSH!
How is it that something like this can take so much out of you? Usually the Spirit helps us to feel ready to take on the world, and secure in the knowledge that the Lord loves us. I know he loves me, but right now I just feel rather overwhelmed. Almost waterlogged...
Personally I'm very grateful for the experiences of the past three days, even though there are probably some people who could not figure out what was wrong with me when I started crying and couldn't stop (at The Forgotten Carols after our second performance...in short I was a bit of an emotional wreck). I've learned and felt so much. Now to sort it all out and prioritize what I need to change in my life.
Thank you to my wonderful friends and family who were there for me this weekend. To my mom and dad for coming to my performances, bringing me a box of truffles, and buying me a souvenir 20th anniversary CD of The Forgotten Carols (though I'm not supposed to know about that)...thank you. To my sisters for sharing their talents with the community and for coming to the Sunday concert...thank you. To Ann, Brady, Brad, Claire, Amanda, Sean, Kayla, Skyler, Brianna...thank you. (((hugs)))
Thursday, October 6, 2011
*WE INTERRUPT YOUR LIFE TO SAY...*
I'M GONNA BE A COUGAR!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D There are NOT ENOUGH EMOTICONS to express my EXCITEMENT!!!!!
I just got accepted to Brigham Young University! I got a job today at Partyland! I went on a lunch date with my dad! I went to the BYU Homecoming Spectacular and dinner with my mom (before knowing I got accepted)! I bought a fish! I GOT ACCEPTED TO BYU!!!
October 6, 2011 is going down in the history of my life as an incredible, incredible, INCREDIBLE day.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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