the worst kind of heartbreak...

Disclaimer: all of what I have written may come across as selfish, childish, and ridiculous. It's honest, though. Straight from the heart.

For almost four years, I have set my eyes on serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I was one of the only girls in high school who was considering it. Many of my friends would say things like, "wow, good for you -- a mission is so not for me," or "I'm so not interested in serving a mission." Some of the girls would think me a little strange for my desire to go, and many of the boys said things like, "yeah, you'll change your mind when you get into college -- girls don't have to go."

As I grew older, I still desired to serve a mission. Often times that desire was put down by other people (I've written before about what many male friends have said to me concerning my goal). Words like "it makes me sad that so many girls are serving missions -- they're needed as wives and mothers, not missionaries," and the ever present "you'll change your mind when you meet that perfect guy" were thrown at me a lot. It made me so angry -- I didn't want to serve a mission because I wasn't dating (quite frankly, I care more about the status of my kitchen floor than I do about dating -- I hate dating). It also bothered me because the general authorities have encouraged women to serve missions, saying that women are able to reach people that the men can't. A woman who wanted to serve a mission because of a desire to serve the gospel was totally in the right, according to church policies. That's why I wanted to go. It's why I still want to go.

This summer, I began to feel that the timing of a mission was not right for me yet. I received a "no -- not right now" answer from the Lord twice, once in my bedroom and again as a confirmation of that answer in the temple, when I went to "double-check." I felt impressed to focus on my schooling, because I am more than halfway through with my degree, and to get as many educational experiences through BYU as possible.

Never have I been 100% satisfied with the "no -- not right now" answer. I say that I am, and I try to be, but it's been hard. Often times I've prayed for patience to follow through based on the answers I've been given, but it's been difficult. That difficulty was increased exponentially due to the announcement President Monson gave yesterday morning, right at the beginning of the first session of our General Conference.

When I heard that the age for worthy sisters had been dropped from 21 to 19, I was surprised. However, I didn't feel upset -- or not super upset. I felt a little bothered, but nothing important. As the day went on, though, and as I got text messages from friends asking me if I was going to go this year, I began to feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness and disappointment. Most people don't know that I have put my mission plans on hold, almost indefinitely. I haven't told very many people -- around here, many people automatically assume that the reason a person is no longer going on a mission is because a big mistake was made. I didn't make a mistake -- I just got told to hold off.

Those feelings of sadness increased as I received news from my younger sister that she will no longer be applying for college for next year, but will instead begin work on her mission papers in January and leave as soon as she turns 19 in July. I felt even more disappointed when my 16-year-old sister texted me that she is going to go on a mission as well in two years (she turns 17 in January), and that she was so excited to receive that answer from the Lord. I turn 21 in January, but no mission papers will be sent this year to Salt Lake with my name on them.

Getting on Facebook made it even worse. Countless status updates, pictures, and other posts met my eyes, each from young men who are moving up their mission dates and from young women who had never before considered missions (and some who have even criticized me for my desire), each expressing with enthusiasm and delight that they were scrapping their college applications and working on mission papers, or altering their goals to include a now possible mission.

I scrolled through my news feed until I could no longer see the screen because of the tears falling from my eyes. My entire being felt shattered, left out, even let down. I began to pray, asking God to change His mind, not really expecting Him to do so. I told God how upset I was -- how all of my life, everything that I have ever desired with my whole soul has been taken away from me, or I have been told to wait. I have watched both of my sisters receive every desire I've ever wanted and was never given -- leads in the school musical, positions on the choir council, relationships that have lasted more than four years, more attention and recognition from my parents, dates with good boys every other weekend -- I can honestly say that almost everything that I have ever desired has never been given me. And I was angry -- I was angry and heartbroken, and I told God that.

The more upset and heartbroken I began to feel, the more I tried to force myself to think of all of the good things that have been given to me, instead of the things I wanted. I got into BYU, even though I didn't think that I would and didn't really care to. I received an internship and a job that I didn't even know existed. I've been given friends who, though they have only been in my life for a couple of years, have been better friends than most of the people I knew when I was younger. No, I don't get to be in plays or in choirs, but I get other things.

But it has still been so hard. All day yesterday, and most of the night, found me in tears, frustrated and devastated because of my "no -- not right now." I recognize that it isn't a "NO" answer. It's a wait and be patient answer.

Being told to wait is one of the hardest things the Lord has asked me to do -- and that is what He asks of me the most.

This, for me, is the worst kind of heartbreak, because it's another time in my life where a righteous desire of my heart has been kept from me, and I've had to watch people who were never interested (or sometimes less qualified) receive those opportunities. I'm not saying that a mission is totally kept from me -- but not given to me when for so long, I have felt such an overwhelming desire to go and serve. What is hard is watching the people I went to high school with, who had no desire to serve a mission, suddenly take off and leave two months after making their decisions. What is hard is knowing that my sister, who is two years younger than I am, will be going on a mission before me, when she had little desire to do so in the first place, wanting to focus on school and see what happened as she got older.

What is hardest is to continually be told, "be patient," and nothing seems to change -- not with my health, not with my friendships, not with my family relationships, not with anything.

I will be patient. I won't give up. I'm not going to distance myself from the Lord (for as someone said in conference, moving away from the Lord when faced with a trial is like leaving the safety of the underground shelter when a tornado is in the field next door). I know that this will be for the best -- the Lord told me to wait for a good reason. Everything that He has done in my life has been for a better reason than I ever could have seen.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct thy paths."

I will do it. He'll take care of everything.

Speaking honestly, though...that doesn't mean it doesn't break my heart.

timing...

I've been thinking a lot about timing lately. Timing as in when things happen in my life. There are certain things  that I want to have happen (some of them right now, if I'm honest). I want to go to Washington, D.C. on an internship. I want to serve a full-time mission for the LDS church. I want to go to graduate school. I want to find a guy who makes me laugh and isn't afraid to take a chance with me. I want to marry that guy. I want a beautiful wedding. I want a little white house with a red door, a pretty yard, and a happy kitchen. I want the sound of children's laughter in the air and pattering feet across the floor. I want to hold hands with my best friend and sit together on the porch watching a sunset.

I want my life to be centered around Christ and the gospel. That's what I try to do. Some people I have met in the recent past have criticized me for this, saying that I'm not really faithful because I only live well in order to reap the rewards of a good life. "You're only doing it for the blessings," some say. 

Well, in some ways, yes. I know that if I give my best effort to live as the Lord has asked and commanded me to that He will bless me. After all, God cannot break His promises if I keep mine, as he said in the Doctrine and Covenants 82:10, "I the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise." But I also do it because I want to live that way. I want to show the Lord that I love Him, and that I desire to be the best I can be for Him. The blessings are just a benefit. 

Not only that, but those blessings don't always come when I want them to come. All of those things that I listed above? So far, none of them have happened, nor will they be happening in the near future (that was reconfirmed tonight). I'll be honest when I say that it is sometimes maddening. I get so frustrated at times, wondering what I'm doing wrong or if there's just something wrong with me as a person. 

This has been on my mind a lot lately, sitting in the back of my head in a box that I'm afraid to open for fear of seeming ungrateful or impatient. Finally I've opened the box and examined the way I've been feeling and how I've been thinking. What I saw hurt! I felt let down and alone and forgotten, wondering what I'd done to fall so short of my dreams. Like going on a mission -- not right now. And dating -- that still never happens. I continually pray to the Lord to help me prepare to be a good missionary so I'm ready when I can go. I ask Him to help me be open to dating, but it never happens. All that ever happens are frightening or stupid experiences which leave me scratching my head wondering what I did to mess up this time.

I finally went to the Lord in prayer and I asked Him, How can I do the right things and be who you want me to be if you won't let me? If you won't make it possible? I'm doing the best that I can, but nothing is working out. You tell me to be patient. You tell me to wait. Am I doing something wrong? I'm trying to be good and be patient, like You've asked. Am I even going in the right direction? I felt like Nephi, when he cried out to God and said "Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord...my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquites" (2 Nephi 4:17). What have I been doing wrong?

With this on my mind, I was absolutely stunned at the answers I began to receive. Sunday's meeting had the same underlying theme, that of waiting on the Lord's timetable. It was repeated over and over again in different ways and by different people, that while the desires of our hearts may be correct, the time may  not be right. Elder Dallin H. Oaks, one of the apostles, said that it is just as important to do the right thing at the right time as it is to do the right thing at all. It is imperative to do the right thing at the right time. The choice may not be wrong, and the desire may be righteous, but the timing of the choices and desires may be off. Elder Oaks emphasized the importance of having faith in the Lord no matter what we are faced with, saying that "faith in the Lord Jesus Christ prepares us to face life's experiences," and that "faith will give us peace and knowledge of God's constancy in our lives. We will not need to plan even the important events in our lives at times, for He will guide us and direct us until those events fall into place, according to our faith."

It's like the scripture in the Bible, the one that says to "trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths" (Proverbs 3:5-6). Yes, I don't understand why things aren't happening, and why I receive the "be patient" answer. I want to serve now! I want to do what I've been told is good and right and true now! But what I want and what the Lord knows is best aren't matching up. Heavenly Father's timing is not my timing. His timetable is different than mine. He knows that I'm frustrated sometimes, and He knows that my frustration stems from a desire to do as He has asked. However, as Elder Oaks reminded, the timing is just as important as the righteousness of a desire. For me, the time has not been right. The Lord still has things for me to do at the place I am right now, and knows that there are things I still need to change and learn before I can take new steps in my life.

For now, I focus on the things I can control: my pursuit of an education, my relationships with my family and friends, and my commitment to the gospel and the Savior. What I must do is be the best person I can be, being faithful and diligent in what I have been set to do, and in the desires that at this present time can be realized. It is my job to rely on His guidance, and to trust the revelation and direction that He gives me. I have to trust Him, and commit my way "unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass" (Psalms 37:5). Because if I do as He asks to the best of my ability, He will take care of me. He will make sure that my desires are realized, if I trust Him and align my will to His.

He made my life better...

via Pinterest

While the scripture reference isn't from the King James translation that I have, I know that this principle is true. While God might not necessarily cause a person pain, he will not leave us alone -- if something (or someone) hurts us, or is taken from us, he'll give us something better. He tells us that he desires happiness for each of his children, that this is his "work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man" (Moses 1:39) for "men are, that they might have joy" (2 Nephi 2:25). 

I'll admit it. Sometimes life just sucks. Joy seems like something you find in a movie or a book, fabricated and written in such a way that everything works out perfectly. That isn't how real life is though. I'm sure everyone knows this. Things happen. We lose things or we can't make something work -- games, jobs, scholarships, friendships, relationships -- and we don't know why.

In the Bible, Job said that sometimes the Lord "taketh away, who can hinder him?" (Job 9:12). We often don't know why things get "taken away" from us, or why we're experiencing the things we are. Usually these are things that are out of our control. We didn't mean to lose something, and mean for it to be taken away or fall apart. But you know what? Sometimes, God removes things from our lives to give us something better. He knows best what will make us happy -- maybe that means taking away someone you thought would be in your life forever. Maybe that means God stepping aside just enough for you to get hurt, allowing you to see that the person or thing isn't good for you. Or maybe sometimes, things just happen and there isn't really a reason for it -- however, God can take any situation, even one that just happens, and use it to teach us and help us grow. In the end, we'll be happy.

The Lord doesn't leave us to do it alone. Even though things hurt and people do stupid things or manipulate you or you find yourself alone, you're not alone. Sometimes we don't know why things are happening to us. Sometimes there isn't a good reason. You may feel like you're drowning in emotions. You may feel betrayed, lost, broken, hopeless, helpless, alone, afraid, and you have no idea how to get out of it. It could be caused by a person, or by a circumstance, or by your own mind. But the Lord has promised you that if you do as he asks, he won't leave you alone. This promise is in Doctrine and Covenants 82:10, where God says "I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say." He "will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you" (John 14:18).

God gives and he takes -- but he will never, ever take something from you without bestowing upon you something far better than you could ever imagine. He's done it for me. Time and again, he's done it for me. And as long as I do my best to be the girl he wants me to be, he won't leave me alone. He won't leave you alone, either. It's against his nature, you know. If he wasn't there for you when you needed him, he wouldn't be God anymore. God will not and cannot break his promises if you do all you can to let him be in your life.

glue...

Sometimes I feel that all I can do is focus on holding myself together, forcing myself to dwell on the good things rather than the not so good things. And it makes things easier to bear. And it makes it easier to fall asleep at night.

I like to remember

...how fun it is to watch any of the extended editions of the Lord of the Rings with someone who hasn't seen the long versions before -- Brianna and I watched The Fellowship of the Ring this afternoon and it was fantastic
...freshly baked cookies topped with cold ice cream
...long talks and big hugs from daddy
...the sudden frequency of huge fluffy, puffy, cotton candy clouds that float over the valley and every so often share their watery burden with us down below
...promises from heaven that are being kept daily
...that I actually look really cute in skirts
...how wonderful it feels to be clean and fresh after a hot shower
...that I don't have to wash dishes or clothes by hand
...that I've been very lucky when it comes to the times I can't handle the physical pain -- so far it's usually been on weekends or holidays when I don't have work or school
...I'm twenty year old single college student with one room mate and I don't live in an apartment -- wow
...my school schedule keeps working out so well -- so do my money worries
...D&C 6:34 -- "Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail."
..."Once Upon Another Time"
...the feel of his hand in mine and the sound of his heart beating in my ear

be exceptional...be complete...

Lately I've been thinking about what it means to be exceptional, to make a difference, to impact the world in some way. Not necessarily on a grand, global scale, but exceptional enough to change something. Perhaps even exceptional enough to change myself, for personal change is no easy thing. I find this to be truer every day.

Some may say that because "everyone is special", no one is special. "Being special" may be seen as the status quot: you're not special because everyone else is and you're only special if you stand out. We sure don't treat everyone like they're special. If that's the way that we saw one another, wouldn't it solve a lot of problems? If when you look at another person, you see someone special instead of someone average--how would that change the world?

2nd Peter 1:3-4 say "According to his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue: Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world..."

Doctrine and Covenants 18:10 reminds that each person, each soul, is important to God, commanding us to "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God."

What if we treated everyone with the belief that inside of them is the incredible? Not just the potential: the incredible, the exceptional, the divine nature is already there. Our world is so set on seeing the flaws and faults and imperfections that the true worth of each individual soul has been forgotten in a tide of false perfection. The Lord says, "be ye therefore perfect". Do you know what perfect means in the Hebrew translation? Perfect: whole, complete, finished. That means something different than flawless.

We're not going to be perfect in this life. We're going to make mistakes. We're going to see people not as they really are. We're going to see ourselves differently, too. But--to become finished and complete--one must work at it. Really work at it, involving the Lord as much as possible in everything. That isn't to say let Him tell you what to do. He won't always tell you what to do. Instead, ask for His advice. Ask for His help, His guidance, His strength and spirit to be with you.

How wonderful is it that God didn't leave us to ourselves? It is said that God no longer speaks to men, that He has forgotten us. Some even say that He gave up. He didn't do that though. I believe that God has instilled in everyone a desire to do something great. Why? Because as children of God, we share in His nature. Goodness, the desire to do good, comes from Him. Whether someone knows it or not, whether the desire is big, small, or hasn't come to conscious thought yet, it's in there.

I want to make a difference. I want to do something, to be something great. Whether that is an outstanding, earth shaking thing or a seemingly insignificant thing, I want to be incredible. Every person has incredible inside. It comes with being human. And someday, if we work hard enough and rely on the Savior and His grace to make up the difference, we will be complete.

A Silent Night...

The past two weekends have been spent performing in LDC's annual Christmas pageant. At first our show A Silent Night seemed just another thing that I had to do. I wasn't unhappy about it, but neither was I super excited about it. It was just a show, a chance to perform and to make people happy. It just never seemed to mean much to me personally. I wanted people to come and see it so they could feel happy and be uplifted, but it was like the message of it wasn't getting through to me.

That was until our final show, after our president, Teddy, bore her testimony. I was finally able to really feel the message of our story. Before I knew the story and the music, and I loved all of it. I knew in my mind that the story was true, and that what we were doing was blessing many people and helping them through their hard times. But as Teddy spoke of the Savior, and of her upcoming mission, and of her love for each of us, it wasn't just a fact anymore. It was no longer just a fact in my head. It was real truth in my heart.

Christmas isn't glitter and sparkly lights and presents, toys and electronics and gift cards. Christmas isn't Santa Claus and elves and sleigh rides. Christmas is more than that. All of those things can be good and bring happiness, but it isn't what it's all about. Christmas, as Brother Eggett pointed out, is a big birthday party. It's Christ's birthday party! That's what it's all about. Shepherds were invited to celebrate by the angels, a formal invitation from God to announce the birth of His Son! Wise men came later to give gifts to the child, recognizing the little king. Today we continue to celebrate the most wondrous, miraculous birth of all time. Because that's what it's really about. Not the Christmas we see in the windows of every store and on the screen of every TV, but the Christmas we read of in the scriptures. It's the Christmas you feel, the Christmas that gets inside you and causes you to love people you don't even know, or people you don't even like very much. It's the Christmas that makes you want to be a better person, even if it's in a small way that nobody will ever know about. It's the Savior, the Messiah, the King of kings and Lord of Lords! It's Him, and all He did. Because there wouldn't be an Easter without a Christmas.

Let Him in. Into your life, into your heart, into your mind. All we have to do is let Him in.

I'll share a little bit of our show with you now. I hope you enjoy it. Merry Christmas!

My darling friend Amanda and me after the show.

Click here.

All praise to the name of the Father of Light!
One who listens and hears when I call.
Every step He ordains I shall walk without fear.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.

What can mortal men do while I'm safe in His hands?
He is God; on His word I'll rely!
In the midst of my fear I will trust in His name
for I know He will hear when I cry.

He knows all of my feelings,
the depths of despair,
all the limits my soul can endure.
I will trust in His name--I have nothing to fear
for in Him all my hopes are secure.

All praise to the name of the Father of Light!
One who listens and hears when I call.
Every step He ordains I shall walk without fear.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.

He alone can deliver a soul from its death,
lift a life from a wasteland of need.
He alone can replenish with blessings untold
until into His light we are freed!
We are freed!

All praise to the name of the Father of Light!
One who listens and hears when I call.
Every step He ordains I shall walk without fear.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.

Every step He ordains I shall walk without fear!
In His light I'll not stumble or fall.

PS I had the opportunity to sing the solo on this song for one of our performances. To sing what really is my testimony...and to be backed up by this amazing choir...wow. It truly was an incredible experience. I probably will never have a chance like that again, and it has become a memory I will treasure forever.

is this a test?

I got some news today that, although not entirely unexpected, was still a bit of a blow. It wasn't a blow to my confidence or anything that broke my heart, but more of a tremor in my personal faith. Why would I not receive something that was promised to me by the Lord who never breaks a promise?

The hard thing for me right now is to have faith in something I'm not sure of. I'm not good at just stepping back and saying, 'Oh, well! Time to just be happy not knowing and keep living life.' I'm very much about having the perfect answer. I want ANSWERS. Without an answer I feel lost and afraid and unsure. I don't know which direction to go, which decision to make, and I worry about everything. So my knee-jerk reaction today was 'Crap. CRAP. Crap. How do I have faith in something I'm not even sure will happen? How do I move forward when I have no direction and am so unsure? I mean...the Lord wouldn't lie to me. Right? Right! But...wha...huh?'

And then I got to thinking...that's what faith IS. To believe in and hope for things that are unseen, that are for us uncertain, that we don't have answers about at this present time. Then after some more thinking...Heavenly Father isn't a yes or no man. Especially when it comes to a no answer. The Lord never really says, "NO!" It's more of a "Not yet, little one. I know your dreams, your fears, and your desires. Still, I am your Father, and I know when to let you know what is in store. Keep moving forward in faith and obedience. I will guide the way."

God doesn't force us to do anything. He also doesn't tease us with empty words and flat promises. He lets us make choices and as long as we do our best--MY best--to do as he asks me, he will bless me. He knows that the things I want are good. He also knows when it will be best for me to receive these things, and even when it is best for me to give.

Faith. Isn't it about believing?

Alma 32:21
"And now as I said concerning faith—faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."

Doctrine and Covenants 105:19
"I have heard their prayers, and will accept their offering; and it is expedient in me that they should be brought thus far for a trial of their faith."

1 Peter 1:7
"That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:"

Ether 12:6
"And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."

Moroni 7:42
"Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope."

Alma 32:36
"Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither must ye lay aside your faith, for ye have only exercised your faith to plant the seed that ye might try the experiment to know if the seed was good."

Doctrine and Covenants 63:11
"Yea, signs come by faith, unto mighty works, for without faith no man pleaseth God; and with whom God is angry he is not well pleased; wherefore, unto such he showeth no signs, only in wrath unto their condemnation."

Moroni 7:28
"For he hath answered the ends of the law, and he claimeth all those who have faith in him; and they who have faith in him will cleave unto every good thing; wherefore he advocateth the cause of the children of men; and he dwelleth eternally in the heavens."

Ether 12:7
"For it was by faith that Christ showed himself unto our fathers, after he had risen from the dead; and he showed not himself unto them until after they had faith in him; wherefore, it must needs be that some had faith in him, for he showed himself not unto the world."

Alma 44:4
"Now ye see that this is the true faith of God; yea, ye see that God will support, and keep, and preserve us, so long as we are faithful unto him, and unto our faith, and our religion; and never will the Lord suffer that we shall be destroyed except we should fall into transgression and deny our faith."

Alma 32:26
"Now, as I said concerning faith—that it was not a perfect knowledge—even so it is with my words. Ye cannot know of their surety at first, unto perfection, any more than faith is a perfect knowledge."

okay that was the worst thing I've ever seen...

5 minutes until "Twilight: Breaking Dawn" is released to the general public of my state. I saw it at 7pm. It was for PartyLand's big pre-premier party that they do with a lot of popular movies that come out. Corporate gave me and the rest of the PartyLand employees free tickets to go and we were all "highly encouraged" to attend. Encouraged being more like guilted into it. So I went, and I got my cute little Twilight grab bag full of candy and coupons and a really fun pretend diamond ring that I couldn't stop playing with. And I watched the movie.

You know what? I hated it.

Seriously, I'm being generous if I give it a 3 out of 10. It was that bad. Sorry all of you Twilight fans out there...I honestly don't care if you liked it or not. If you did, great! You didn't waste your time and I'm happy you had an enjoyable evening. If you're like me, you're sitting there thinking why, when there was the potential for SO MANY other uplifting activities, did I sit through THAT?

The acting? Terrible. Stiff. Definitely ACTED, not portrayed. There is a difference. Yes, Taylor Lautner was decent. And as always, I love the actor who plays Charlie Swan. I don't know his name, but he's the only one I believe every time he's onscreen. Everyone else is just so stiff and dry and clearly repeating lines they memorized. Especially the wolves. And the Cullens. And the two leads. And...um, everyone. Terrible, terrible.

The music? Only part of the movie that actually held my interest, honestly. I was bored ten minutes into the movie, so I found myself focusing on the soundtrack and playing with the ring from my goodie bag. Also scoping out the nearest exit signs in case I decided to make a mad dash out of the theater to escape the disaster that was happening onscreen.

The content? Um...yikes. I was actually ashamed of myself for going to that movie. Article of Faith #13: "We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men...If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."

First off, what I actually watched didn't fit the bill. I probably missed half of the movie; I closed my eyes a lot of the time, mentally wondering why the heck I was sitting in that theater and wishing I had the courage to leave while at the same time rationalizing why it was okay for me to stay (no car [although a ride was offered], sitting on the opposite side of the theater from the exit so it would be super awkward [then seeing the one behind me about ten minutes later], worrying I'd trip over my friend sitting next to me [he's probably used to that by now]). It wasn't just the immoral content of the movie. Yes, I KNOW they were married, but honestly that argument is invalid. It was the other gruesome, disgusting, ugly content that has left me five hours later still feeling unsettled and awful.

Overall, it was terrible. I feel terrible. The only really good parts of the night were riding with my cute coworker to the theater in his big red Jeep, sitting next to said cute coworker, making jokes and laughing with the same cute coworker, and the ride to my house with my cute coworker after he offered to take me home.

We spend so much time laughing together that it actually amazes me, especially when I make him laugh really hard. He's a funny guy, always coming up with something witty or sarcastic or clever, so to make him laugh so hard that he almost wrecks the car is a big deal. I really like being friends with him! He's so fun to be with! Not to mention he is flawless in his performance as a gentleman. No awkwardness or hesitation there. He just goes for it and makes it happen. Makes a girl feel special, you know? So thanks, Tracy, for asking him to drive me instead of forcing me to do it myself. You're a gem. :)

PS Funny stories. I'm Coworker 2, he's Coworker 1.

"The Tale of the Ring"
Coworker 1: "Ooo! A diamond ring! Wait...what?! Cubic zirconium?! I feel ripped off!"
Coworker 2: "Cubic zirconium...I thought these rings were just made out of plastic."
Coworker 1: *shakes his head and smirks*
Coworker 2: "Um...is that what cubic zirconium is? Plastic?"
Coworker 1: "Yup."
Coworker 2: "Oh. I didn't know that. Well. I guess I learned something today. Thanks."
Coworker 1: *busts up laughing*

"Remember That One Time You Almost Wrecked Your Jeep?"
Coworker 1: "That was a terrible movie."
Coworker 2: "No kidding. I feel like I have a really bad taste in my mouth that I can't get rid of."
Coworker 1: *laughs so hard Coworker 2 is surprised*

PPS His Jeep is named Sheila. My Saturn is named Sheila. What the heck?