dear World,
First, an apology. I apologize for the last few days of downer posts. Summer time was rough, and autumn time has not yet lessened in the frequency of hard days. Bad news has been common, and progress has been slow.
Second, an explanation to the above apology. See, I write about these things here because it makes processing the information easier for me. Once I write everything down and send it off into the void, I can revisit the problems as a more or less objective reader. Sometimes I pretend that I didn't write the post -- sometimes I sit back and take apart the grammar and the sentence structure, as I would in the writing center. And then I read it again, this time focusing less on the words themselves, but more on possible solutions that might come to mind.
Third, an update. I again have something that I need to write about.
Dark-thirty of this morning found me up and ready in my kitchen awaiting my friend who would drive me to the specialist's office. I set up an appointment two and a half weeks ago, and this morning brought the scheduled time with it. Saying that I was nervous is an understatement. However, I was not quite scared to death, as I was fully alive and thinking about all of the "what ifs" in my mind.
I shouldn't have been so nervous. Everything went well. Every person I talked to, from the receptionist to the nurse practitioner to the phlebotomist, was kind and helpful. Rather than telling me that I was doing something wrong and causing me to feel guilty for my lack of knowledge about my body, they each helped me feel comfortable and relaxed. Their focus was on giving me information that I can use and walking me through all of the possible solutions and outcomes. Yes, medications were prescribed, and yes, lab work was required, but it wasn't as frightening as it has been in the past.
The appointment went well. I, however, don't feel well at all. The number of tests the nurse practitioner wants to run necessitated quite a bit of blood -- I ate before and after blood was drawn, but I'm still a bit shaky. There's also the fact that the results might show some serious problems, ranging from a bit serious to serious enough that I don't want to think about it.
And so I try not to think about it. But it's hard. It's hard not to be worried. It's hard not to be scared. Everything is going to work out just fine, I'm sure. I'm still scared, though.
It doesn't help that I've been having a hard time eating anything again lately. Almost every time I make or purchase a meal, I dump it, give it away, or put it back. I can't seem to eat anything. It's not that I'm not hungry -- I just don't want to eat anything. Every once in awhile, I can't eat. Food sounds so great, but if I actually try to eat it, I feel like throwing up (or do throw up). The headaches occur more frequently as well. Most likely it's due to the lack of appetite -- not only do tummies complain when they're empty, but heads want to be sure you're aware as well.
It's probably stressed related. I don't do well with change -- things keep changing quickly and adapting is hard for me. And now, more changes will be taking place. I won't mention them all here -- there are many. There are medications to be taken on a set schedule, particular foods and drinks needing to be on hand at all times, and the nurse practitioner kindly but firmly informed me that while my school is important, homework will need to take a back seat to getting sleep. She's not worried about my physical activity, but she is concerned about the amount of sleep I get. Let me just say, she's not the only one!
Everything will be okay. It really will. For now I need to force myself to eat dinner, finish some homework, and go to bed. Besides, I have something to look forward to tomorrow night!
And so, dear World, things are okay. Life really is good -- it's better if there's a way to express the inner most thoughts and feelings. At least it is for me.
your Friend,
GKB
Showing posts with label important issues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label important issues. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
they know why...
School is so complicated. It's so much more than going to class and doing assignments. There are all of the hoops to jump through to fulfill requirements, all of the things you can't say in order to remain on good terms with professors and peers, all of the extra things needed outside of classes to show potential employers or educators that you're prepared, all of the little things that no one mentions until you get an email telling you that you dropped the ball you didn't know you were holding.
All of this stress and work and anxiety over a piece of paper with your name on it that says you accomplished something. All of the money, time, energy, frustration, all of it, for the sake of some fake gold lettering that you put on your wall.
There is a point to all of this stuff I'm doing, I'm sure of it. For one thing it keeps me from being bored out of my mind. For another, I'm getting a glimpse of how others think and behave in a way I wouldn't if I just had a job.
However, I don't feel like I'm doing this for any other reason than if I don't, there will be consequences that will be detrimental in the future. Be it social disapproval, or inability to provide for myself or future family, or not being able to do the things I want to do with my life -- I feel as if I go to school out of fear, rather than a desire to learn. A lot of the time I don't feel like I'm learning anything, other than that I'll never get used to how often I feel stupid in school.
I know that there are people who would do anything for a shot at an education. I mean, look at what's happening in Afghanistan. 122 girls and 3 teachers were poisoned by the Taliban while the girls were in school because these girls want an education. Not only that, but this isn't the first time this has happened over there. And you know what? The terrorists aren't stopping girls from going to school. Despite this serious threat, girls in Afghanistan don't let it stop them from learning. They're literally risking their lives to learn. They don't let anything stop them.
I'm not anywhere near as dedicated as they are. Some days I don't even know why I'm going to school. I mean...I go to school out of fear. They go to show the world that no one can stop them. They know why they're going. They know why it's important. I wish I could see it as clearly as they do, free from the lense of doubt and frustration.
I need to be more grateful for what I have. Those girls sure are -- they're grateful for their school houses that are falling down, with three students to a desk and not enough books to go around, while security guards stand outside to keep people from causing trouble. They know what they're doing, and they know why the're doing it. I pray that I can be half as brave and determined as they are.
All of this stress and work and anxiety over a piece of paper with your name on it that says you accomplished something. All of the money, time, energy, frustration, all of it, for the sake of some fake gold lettering that you put on your wall.
There is a point to all of this stuff I'm doing, I'm sure of it. For one thing it keeps me from being bored out of my mind. For another, I'm getting a glimpse of how others think and behave in a way I wouldn't if I just had a job.
However, I don't feel like I'm doing this for any other reason than if I don't, there will be consequences that will be detrimental in the future. Be it social disapproval, or inability to provide for myself or future family, or not being able to do the things I want to do with my life -- I feel as if I go to school out of fear, rather than a desire to learn. A lot of the time I don't feel like I'm learning anything, other than that I'll never get used to how often I feel stupid in school.
I know that there are people who would do anything for a shot at an education. I mean, look at what's happening in Afghanistan. 122 girls and 3 teachers were poisoned by the Taliban while the girls were in school because these girls want an education. Not only that, but this isn't the first time this has happened over there. And you know what? The terrorists aren't stopping girls from going to school. Despite this serious threat, girls in Afghanistan don't let it stop them from learning. They're literally risking their lives to learn. They don't let anything stop them.
I'm not anywhere near as dedicated as they are. Some days I don't even know why I'm going to school. I mean...I go to school out of fear. They go to show the world that no one can stop them. They know why they're going. They know why it's important. I wish I could see it as clearly as they do, free from the lense of doubt and frustration.
I need to be more grateful for what I have. Those girls sure are -- they're grateful for their school houses that are falling down, with three students to a desk and not enough books to go around, while security guards stand outside to keep people from causing trouble. They know what they're doing, and they know why the're doing it. I pray that I can be half as brave and determined as they are.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
brilliance...
Just enjoy it.
But seriously. I could (might) totally write a paper on this.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
is this a test?
I got some news today that, although not entirely unexpected, was still a bit of a blow. It wasn't a blow to my confidence or anything that broke my heart, but more of a tremor in my personal faith. Why would I not receive something that was promised to me by the Lord who never breaks a promise?
The hard thing for me right now is to have faith in something I'm not sure of. I'm not good at just stepping back and saying, 'Oh, well! Time to just be happy not knowing and keep living life.' I'm very much about having the perfect answer. I want ANSWERS. Without an answer I feel lost and afraid and unsure. I don't know which direction to go, which decision to make, and I worry about everything. So my knee-jerk reaction today was 'Crap. CRAP. Crap. How do I have faith in something I'm not even sure will happen? How do I move forward when I have no direction and am so unsure? I mean...the Lord wouldn't lie to me. Right? Right! But...wha...huh?'
And then I got to thinking...that's what faith IS. To believe in and hope for things that are unseen, that are for us uncertain, that we don't have answers about at this present time. Then after some more thinking...Heavenly Father isn't a yes or no man. Especially when it comes to a no answer. The Lord never really says, "NO!" It's more of a "Not yet, little one. I know your dreams, your fears, and your desires. Still, I am your Father, and I know when to let you know what is in store. Keep moving forward in faith and obedience. I will guide the way."
God doesn't force us to do anything. He also doesn't tease us with empty words and flat promises. He lets us make choices and as long as we do our best--MY best--to do as he asks me, he will bless me. He knows that the things I want are good. He also knows when it will be best for me to receive these things, and even when it is best for me to give.
Faith. Isn't it about believing?
Alma 32:21
"And now as I said concerning faith—faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."
Doctrine and Covenants 105:19
"I have heard their prayers, and will accept their offering; and it is expedient in me that they should be brought thus far for a trial of their faith."
1 Peter 1:7
"That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:"
Ether 12:6
"And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."
Moroni 7:42
"Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope."
Alma 32:36
"Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither must ye lay aside your faith, for ye have only exercised your faith to plant the seed that ye might try the experiment to know if the seed was good."
Doctrine and Covenants 63:11
"Yea, signs come by faith, unto mighty works, for without faith no man pleaseth God; and with whom God is angry he is not well pleased; wherefore, unto such he showeth no signs, only in wrath unto their condemnation."
Moroni 7:28
"For he hath answered the ends of the law, and he claimeth all those who have faith in him; and they who have faith in him will cleave unto every good thing; wherefore he advocateth the cause of the children of men; and he dwelleth eternally in the heavens."
Ether 12:7
"For it was by faith that Christ showed himself unto our fathers, after he had risen from the dead; and he showed not himself unto them until after they had faith in him; wherefore, it must needs be that some had faith in him, for he showed himself not unto the world."
Alma 44:4
"Now ye see that this is the true faith of God; yea, ye see that God will support, and keep, and preserve us, so long as we are faithful unto him, and unto our faith, and our religion; and never will the Lord suffer that we shall be destroyed except we should fall into transgression and deny our faith."
Alma 32:26
"Now, as I said concerning faith—that it was not a perfect knowledge—even so it is with my words. Ye cannot know of their surety at first, unto perfection, any more than faith is a perfect knowledge."
The hard thing for me right now is to have faith in something I'm not sure of. I'm not good at just stepping back and saying, 'Oh, well! Time to just be happy not knowing and keep living life.' I'm very much about having the perfect answer. I want ANSWERS. Without an answer I feel lost and afraid and unsure. I don't know which direction to go, which decision to make, and I worry about everything. So my knee-jerk reaction today was 'Crap. CRAP. Crap. How do I have faith in something I'm not even sure will happen? How do I move forward when I have no direction and am so unsure? I mean...the Lord wouldn't lie to me. Right? Right! But...wha...huh?'
And then I got to thinking...that's what faith IS. To believe in and hope for things that are unseen, that are for us uncertain, that we don't have answers about at this present time. Then after some more thinking...Heavenly Father isn't a yes or no man. Especially when it comes to a no answer. The Lord never really says, "NO!" It's more of a "Not yet, little one. I know your dreams, your fears, and your desires. Still, I am your Father, and I know when to let you know what is in store. Keep moving forward in faith and obedience. I will guide the way."
God doesn't force us to do anything. He also doesn't tease us with empty words and flat promises. He lets us make choices and as long as we do our best--MY best--to do as he asks me, he will bless me. He knows that the things I want are good. He also knows when it will be best for me to receive these things, and even when it is best for me to give.
Faith. Isn't it about believing?
Alma 32:21
"And now as I said concerning faith—faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."
Doctrine and Covenants 105:19
"I have heard their prayers, and will accept their offering; and it is expedient in me that they should be brought thus far for a trial of their faith."
1 Peter 1:7
"That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:"
Ether 12:6
"And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."
Moroni 7:42
"Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope."
Alma 32:36
"Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither must ye lay aside your faith, for ye have only exercised your faith to plant the seed that ye might try the experiment to know if the seed was good."
Doctrine and Covenants 63:11
"Yea, signs come by faith, unto mighty works, for without faith no man pleaseth God; and with whom God is angry he is not well pleased; wherefore, unto such he showeth no signs, only in wrath unto their condemnation."
Moroni 7:28
"For he hath answered the ends of the law, and he claimeth all those who have faith in him; and they who have faith in him will cleave unto every good thing; wherefore he advocateth the cause of the children of men; and he dwelleth eternally in the heavens."
Ether 12:7
"For it was by faith that Christ showed himself unto our fathers, after he had risen from the dead; and he showed not himself unto them until after they had faith in him; wherefore, it must needs be that some had faith in him, for he showed himself not unto the world."
Alma 44:4
"Now ye see that this is the true faith of God; yea, ye see that God will support, and keep, and preserve us, so long as we are faithful unto him, and unto our faith, and our religion; and never will the Lord suffer that we shall be destroyed except we should fall into transgression and deny our faith."
Alma 32:26
"Now, as I said concerning faith—that it was not a perfect knowledge—even so it is with my words. Ye cannot know of their surety at first, unto perfection, any more than faith is a perfect knowledge."
Friday, August 7, 2009
Health Bill...so important it's in caps...
This email concerns the proposed health care bill which is being voted on in three weeks. This is not a stupid forward, 'cause my mom and I created it ourselves. I don't care if you're Republican, Democrat, black, white, orange, or purple-every single one of you is affected by this. Please view these links and brush up on page 136 of the bill. If you feel as scared as I do, send it to friends and ask them to write to their representatives. You won't regret doing so. If you don't, well, at least you know, right?
One of the most frightening things about the proposed health care bill is the assisted suicide clause, which says that counseling on how to forgo nutrition, fluids, and medication will be offered in place of care to chronically ill, critically ill, and elderly people. Basically if your health care costs outweigh your value as a citizen of the United States, they'll teach you how to put yourself to sleep.
Here are some video links. I know some of you have seen some of these before, but the vote for this bill happens at the end of the month! Please send the following to your contacts. Contact your government representatives and let them know we don't need this bill!
Hicksville, NY, protest and former Lt Gov:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vC3ENngYnlQ
Detroit protest:
Go to 3:20 on the following video (the rest is just enthusiastic people-watching):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiW8s-Vld88
Columbus, Ohio, protest (part II):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7-75RZuxIs
20/20 on USA health care reform and Canada's and UK's health care:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdx_2cuPgQQ
Fox on Health care:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yO9L3oyQhQ8
Part of being an American is taking responsibility for your part of the decision making. As George Washington said of the Constitution, "...its only keepers, the people". It is time to take up our pens and to let our voices ring out. It is our sacred honor and duty.
Let's keep this country free!
One of the most frightening things about the proposed health care bill is the assisted suicide clause, which says that counseling on how to forgo nutrition, fluids, and medication will be offered in place of care to chronically ill, critically ill, and elderly people. Basically if your health care costs outweigh your value as a citizen of the United States, they'll teach you how to put yourself to sleep.
Here are some video links. I know some of you have seen some of these before, but the vote for this bill happens at the end of the month! Please send the following to your contacts. Contact your government representatives and let them know we don't need this bill!
Hicksville, NY, protest and former Lt Gov:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vC3ENngYnlQ
Detroit protest:
Go to 3:20 on the following video (the rest is just enthusiastic people-watching):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiW8s-Vld88
Columbus, Ohio, protest (part II):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7-75RZuxIs
20/20 on USA health care reform and Canada's and UK's health care:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdx_2cuPgQQ
Fox on Health care:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yO9L3oyQhQ8
Part of being an American is taking responsibility for your part of the decision making. As George Washington said of the Constitution, "...its only keepers, the people". It is time to take up our pens and to let our voices ring out. It is our sacred honor and duty.
Let's keep this country free!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
*sighness much*...
Saw Twilight again today. I was hesitant to see it a second time, because I really didn't think it was a good enough movie to watch twice in the theaters.
Well, I was wrong. I still find it shallow and some parts are slow, but I enjoyed it a lot. I miss the conversations and the self-doubt that Bella has about herself (how she points out her obvious flaws to Edward when she wonders why he likes her, and he counters them with the strengths that he loves), and I wish it had been more about the real love that they have instead of lust. Ah well. Real love doesn't sell; it all has to be superficial and "exciting."
Popcorn and drinks are SO EXPENSIVE!!! When the total came up for a water bottle and a small popcorn ($9.50!!! Eeek!) my jaw dropped. I have obviously not been to a movie in a very long time. There goes the rest of my play money for the month. At least I ordered my 13th Reality books before today.
And just for the record, Barrack Obama is a liar. (And don't tell me to shut my yaptrap, because as far as I know I still have freedom of speech and press, which is given to me under the Constitution and the first ammendment of the Bill of Rights. The bomb getting rid of that has not been dropped. Yet.) Reducing abortion has turned into getting rid of the law which protects doctors who refuse to do abortions due to their religious/personal beliefs. If the law passes (more like when), the doctors can then be sued by patients if they refuse to perform an abortion. Know what that means? I'll tell ya, then.
Over 600 Catholic run hospitals will close because they will not perform abortions (I looked it up). Which means that all of those people will have to find somewhere else to get their medical help, which means that they will turn to the government for health care. And with the government telling businesses (yes, hospitals are business) what to do, you no longer have capitalism. If you follow this train of thought further, by logical reasoning you can only come up with something like this: communism.
Unless of course I'm a completely stupid out-of-the-loop ignoramus, which I highly doubt, this is NOT a good thing. See what you voted for? *sigh* I wish things had turned out differently. Pray that things will work out. I know that D&C 122 says that "all things shall be for your good" or something like that, but still. How much bad do we have to face until the good comes out?
I'm done now. I don't know how I went from Twilight to abortion, but it happened. And my hands are freezing cold, so I think I'll stop typing now. Which I said up there. Dang it. I'm redundant.
Well, I was wrong. I still find it shallow and some parts are slow, but I enjoyed it a lot. I miss the conversations and the self-doubt that Bella has about herself (how she points out her obvious flaws to Edward when she wonders why he likes her, and he counters them with the strengths that he loves), and I wish it had been more about the real love that they have instead of lust. Ah well. Real love doesn't sell; it all has to be superficial and "exciting."
Popcorn and drinks are SO EXPENSIVE!!! When the total came up for a water bottle and a small popcorn ($9.50!!! Eeek!) my jaw dropped. I have obviously not been to a movie in a very long time. There goes the rest of my play money for the month. At least I ordered my 13th Reality books before today.
And just for the record, Barrack Obama is a liar. (And don't tell me to shut my yaptrap, because as far as I know I still have freedom of speech and press, which is given to me under the Constitution and the first ammendment of the Bill of Rights. The bomb getting rid of that has not been dropped. Yet.) Reducing abortion has turned into getting rid of the law which protects doctors who refuse to do abortions due to their religious/personal beliefs. If the law passes (more like when), the doctors can then be sued by patients if they refuse to perform an abortion. Know what that means? I'll tell ya, then.
Over 600 Catholic run hospitals will close because they will not perform abortions (I looked it up). Which means that all of those people will have to find somewhere else to get their medical help, which means that they will turn to the government for health care. And with the government telling businesses (yes, hospitals are business) what to do, you no longer have capitalism. If you follow this train of thought further, by logical reasoning you can only come up with something like this: communism.
Unless of course I'm a completely stupid out-of-the-loop ignoramus, which I highly doubt, this is NOT a good thing. See what you voted for? *sigh* I wish things had turned out differently. Pray that things will work out. I know that D&C 122 says that "all things shall be for your good" or something like that, but still. How much bad do we have to face until the good comes out?
I'm done now. I don't know how I went from Twilight to abortion, but it happened. And my hands are freezing cold, so I think I'll stop typing now. Which I said up there. Dang it. I'm redundant.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
courage comes in small packages...
I want to be like this girl. Twelve-year-old "Lia" from Toronto, Canada, speaks on abortion. Read the article, then watch the clip. Copy and paste the link into your web browser! Just do it! (please ;)
http://wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=89135
http://wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=89135
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