what can you do for America?

It's hard to believe that it's been 14 years since I was sitting in the family room with my backpack on and my shoes untied, more captivated by a radio than any 10-year-old child in this generation has ever been.

I'm saddened today -- not so much for the loss of 14 years ago, nor by the actions of the terrorists. Those feelings, though still tender upon memory, have been eased to a reverence through forgiveness, stories of courage, and hope in the goodness of humanity as thousands reached out to a suffering nation.

But I am saddened by how in such a short time -- 14 short years -- America has remembered the tragedy, but not the need to stand together as a nation, to fight for the ideals and values which birthed this country, to put others before self. As a whole, America appears to have forgotten the lessons we learned about pride, about ignoring threats, about selflessness before personal gain.

Wake up, America. Remember not just the days of dust, debris, destruction, and death. Remember that events like these serve as a wake up call, an easily forgotten reminder that evil is out there. That evil, given any chance, will rear its head and strike the innocent. Remember your part in this, as you sat rooted to the spot watching the Towers fall, the Pentagon burn, the fields of Pennsylvania fill with smoke.

Remember that America needs YOU, the very best you that can be given. Not our ignorance, our pride, our selfishness, our all-about-me needs. It needs our love, our committment to becoming better every day, our fight for freedom and justice for all humanity.

"God bless America, land that I love. Stand beside her and guide her through the night with a light from above."

do we take offense too often because we don't know or care about the facts?

I'm rather confused about the reaction to ‪#‎Auschwitz‬ museum staff installing water sprinklers near the ticket line to keep guests cool while waiting to enter. I do understand that this could be made to appear similar to "showers" that the Nazis sent Jews into -- the gas chambers will never, ever be forgotten. But here are some things:

1) These sprinkler systems are meant to keep people from passing out in line due to extreme heat, which is mentioned in articles about the issues as happening several times this summer. The sprinklers are nowhere near the gas chambers at the memorial site. They're not even inside the complex -- they're located before guests can get in. With record crowds this summer (over 1 million people this year so far) from all over the world, the wait to get inside has been longer than ever. It makes sense that the staff would want to keep their visitors safe from the heat.

2) The "showers" look nothing like shower heads. They are literally hoses with holes in them strung across poles to mist over visitors who get too warm. They are much like the misters used at Freedom Festival events here in Provo around the 4th of July. In no way, shape, or form are they similar to the systems used inside the gas chambers.

3) Those who are familiar with Holocaust history know that the "showers" Jews were made to enter had false shower heads installed. No gas ever came from these. Instead, pellets of Zyklon B were dropped through small, re-sealable holes in the roof or walls of the chambers. The gas wasn't sprayed -- you cannot spray a gas like you can spray water. Furthermore, the Auschwitz Museum and Memorial staff are trying to protect their visitors, not hurt them. It's a completely opposite situation, seemingly small in comparison to the outcry against the sprinklers.

I recognize that for some this seems horrific and like a major oversight on the part of the Auschwitz Memorial and Museum staff. However, it seems clear that their main objective is to protect their visitors. Guests come from all over the world, and from all types of environments -- many cannot stand temperatures of 102 degrees Fahrenheit for very long. I certainly can't.

In addition, Poland's extreme temperatures (record highs not seen in decades) are causing power curbs, meaning that public and private sector establishments (including homes) are having their power cut. How can you do something with fans when there is no power or limited power, and the air blowing around is still over 100 degrees? I'm personally trying to brainstorm other cost-effective ways to keep guests cool as they wait to enter the complex, and I'm coming up dry.

What do you think about this? Honestly, I feel that people in our global society choose to be offended about things that were completely innocent. Perhaps it's because I'm not an Israeli, nor am I a descendant of Jews who survived the Holocaust. I know and recognize that horror -- I've studied it so much that I almost wish I hadn't delved as deeply as I did. But this truly seems like an overreaction.

Isn't it important to make sure people can visit places like this, and visit safely, so that these histories and stories and lives aren't forgotten? To shut such a place down because of the heat would be a tragedy. How many wouldn't get a chance to go again?

Thoughts? Rebuttals? Comments? If you are Jewish or have Jewish ancestry, what is your take on this?

it's because I'm White, isn't it?

I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that groups of people who preach love and acceptance won't love and accept White people because we are White. I'm frustrated that if I, a White woman, express an opinion about race in the United States, I'm "privileged," "ignorant," "biased," "bigotted," and "intolerant."

Who cares that I've done all that I can to get an outside perspective -- taking classes; reading literature and essays and histories and newspapers; talking to people of other races about their experiences; attending cultural events NOT to say, 'Oh, hey, that Colorfest though,' but to say 'Excuse me? Can you tell me about why this is important to you? Why this matters? What you love about it? What you would like me, someone who is different than you, to know?'; asking the harder, more awkward questions so that I can learn and understand something I've never experienced; attempting to help by becoming educated and active in America in its entirety, not just my White part of it.

It seems that many don't care. Many don't care that there ARE White people who support them, who want to know them, who want to help them, and who want to be equal. Yes -- be EQUAL. NOT be called names. NOT be overlooked for scholarships, jobs, awards, even justice, because we "aren't colored." NOT be beaten down and shoved aside because we "don't understand" and "cause all of the bad things to happen" because of our Whiteness.

Yes, I don't understand completely. I recognize that. I hear stories and I'm shocked. I see the way people get treated and it angers and saddens me. It spurs me to change minds and hearts. It's hard to do where I live, because the population is different. But if I see injustice, or inequality, or meanness, I at least try. Though I don't understand the depth of sorrow and pain that past and present generations perpetuate, I know that many are trying.

Yes. There is racism. Yes. There is inequality. Yes. I don't understand what it's like to walk down a street of white people and be looked at like I'm a freak. 

But I DO understand what it's like to be in a classroom full of minority students and a minority professor and be completely, humiliatingly shut down because of an honest, sincere comment about someone else's experience as a person of color -- and I never spoke in that class again. 

I DO know what it's like to be called a racist because I disagreed with a Latino's opinion.

I DO know what it's like to be called a racist because I disciplined two Black children at the museum where I work when they weren't sharing -- and the only other child, a White child, was following the rules.

I DO know what it's like to walk down a street of full of people of color and be stared at, glared at, and be whispered about because "here come those White kids" with our peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, with our "White charity," with our "privilege." 

I don't understand it all. But I understand a little.

I'm sorry that there are jerks in the world. I'm sorry that there are people who call names, who pass people over for jobs, who give worse service, who won't listen, who continue to express hate and malice based on color.

However. I refuse to be sorry for being White. I refuse to acknowledge arguments that blame Whiteness alone for social problems. I refuse to accept inequality against Whites, just as I refuse to accept inequality towards those of other races.

We are all, first and foremost, Americans. And as such, as Americans, we each deserve things. Life. Liberty. The Pursuit of Happiness. Freedom to laugh and love and receive aid when it is needed, from those around us and from higher powers.

No one, not one of us, deserves ANYTHING based on the color of our skin. I, as a White woman, do not DESERVE a scholarship. I do not DESERVE a job. I do not DESERVE anything. I work hard for everything that I have. And I work hard to make this world better for everyone who lives in it, no matter what color people may be. You may not think so, because I am White. But boy, let me tell you. If ever there was an advocate for equality for ALL -- you're looking at her. And that includes EVERY color. Because underneath each color is a living, breathing, thinking, hoping human being who deserves rights simply because they live. Every. Single. One.

If you ever see injustice, speak up. If you ever see inequality, confront it. It doesn't matter who it is against -- raise your voice and question. But do so with the understanding that it might have been a mistake. It might not have been based on the color of skin. It might have been done out of ignorance, instead of meanness. So ask the questions. Get people thinking. Change comes when people's HEARTS are touched, when people's MINDS are opened. And hearts will not be touched, nor will minds open, when there is abuse, rudeness, incivility, and attacks on race.

70 years ago, when the world began anew. . .

I missed marking VJ Day yesterday.

The war is over. The conflict has ended. People can breathe again. Tents and tanks are put away; men and women board ships for home. Cities, demolished, start to rebuild. Countries, frightened, weep with relief; weep with sorrow. Deaths are mourned; homecomings are celebrated. Loss is accute. Life is accute, be it present or gone.

Confusion. Exultation. Shock. Rejoicing. Some wondering what will become of them; some certain that everything will be alright from now on. Some surrounded by death and pain, silent; some surrounded by life and joy, clamour.

The war is over. The conflict has ended. Life can begin again.

The more I study WWII, the more I'm convinced that there will always be good people in this world. People who fight for what they believe in, regardless of the cost. And I mean this for ALL sides of this conflict: the Axis forces, the Allied forces, and all those people caught in the struggle.

I believe that most Axis members weren't bad people -- they were good people who trusted their leaders and sacrificed for their countries. Granted, this was mostly the young, while the older generations watched in fear. Terrified to do *their* version of the right thing, but trying through underground networks or by attempting to shelter their children. Not bad people -- people trapped by circumstance; children raised to spread an idea, warped though it was.

I believe that most Allied members weren't bad people -- they were good people who saw a monstrous threat intent on swallowing humanity and spitting it out as something which was, to them, horrific. And so they fought back, for their families, their freedoms, their way of life. They sought to halt an idea, a system that seemed intent on the world's destruction.

Both sides had a goal. Both sides had a belief. Both sides, though one is easily marked the bad and the other just as easily marked the good, were full of good people trying to do what they believed was the right thing. I know that this analysis is somewhat simplified -- it doesn't account for every variable, because that would take pages and pages of documented research to present a sound argument. But simply put, everyone had something they believed in: the Axis' New World; the Allied idea of freedom and safety for everyone, regardless of race, color, creed, religion, or lifestyle.

What to us is clearly an evil may be obviously good to someone else. Take the current conflicts with ISIS and ISIL: many of them truly believe that what they do is right. And what do we support and perpetuate that others in the world see as evil?

Good people do bad things -- sometimes we know what we're doing is wrong, and we feel too frightened or too unconcerned to change it. Sometimes we don't know it. Does that make those people bad? Evil? I don't believe that it does.

Our perspectives shape the way we see good and evil. I believe that if everyone looked harder for these perspectives, to understand how and why people think and believe the way that they do -- I believe that there would be more love. Less hate. More talk. Less gunfire.

I'm glad the war ended the way that it did. I sorrow for the loss of innocent life that led to Japanese surrender. I understand that many believe that it was the only way, and I have often thought about other possibilities. I wonder what would have happened if talking had been an option, if a greater respect for all human life could have made things change. It didn't happen that way -- and so we can appreciate what goodness DID come from the ending of the Pacific conflicts, and think of all the goodness that can be found in stories of people throughout the terrible time that was WWII.

contradiction...

Every once in awhile, I really dislike my job. Yes, tutoring gets tiring sometimes (so much so that I dream about it), and it's frustrating to see a huge line out the door, knowing that people are bored and impatient and mad that they have to wait for so long. However, the days when I dislike my job the most are the days that we're not busy and some sort of discussion begins at the tutor table, discussions that leave me feeling isolated and uncomfortable.

Unlike the majority of my coworkers, I do not fall into the category of "American liberal." My political, intellectual, and social leanings are more along the lines of "American conservative." At the same time, though, I don't like lumping myself in with the so-called conservative crowd. I don't think the same way that a lot of them do. I disagree with them on many issues. I disagree with the liberal crowd as well. The reason why, I believe, is because I try not to affiliate myself with any type of group through name alone -- I want to find a middle ground. Some may call it "going with your gut" politics -- that's what I try to do.

For me, if something doesn't feel right, then it's wrong. If that makes any sense. An explanation is difficult, but I'll try my best. Basically I believe that there is truth and there is not truth. No one person has all truth. Therefore, no one group has a monopoly on all truth, either, because groups are made up of individuals who lack full, complete truth.

At my work, many of the people believe one way and will see no other point of view. Or they pretend to see the other point of view, but in their acknowledgment of the opposing side, they slip in a low-key remark about the intelligence of the different group. There are some who honestly don't care about personal political preferences and when a discussion starts, they comment once or twice and go back to their books, satisfied that they've contributed their statement of agreement with what everyone else is already saying. But it seems as though there isn't anyone who is interested in hearing from the one person who thinks differently -- and if they do hear, they don't listen. Even if they do listen, they look at me strangely and go back to talking with the people who already agree with them. Once again, I'm no longer encouraged to participate.

Countless times I've been blown off or shut down because I think differently. Many times I'm not even invited to join the conversation -- I become an observer from one side of the table, and when I try to interject my point of view, I'm talked over or ignored. Then, when someone does notice me sitting there, listening but not included, the resulting comment I'm asked to make leaves a sudden awkwardness in the air. And that's usually when the discussion ends or moves to a new topic.

Perhaps the awkwardness stems from the fact that I don't affiliate myself wholly with one group or person. I believe that truth can be found in all places, and if one asks to find it, that truth will be given. Some things just feel wrong to me -- much of that has to do with the influence that my faith has on my perspective of the world. God grants us truth if we ask; I ask for truth on a daily basis (no joke -- it helps with school a lot).

One person has called me out on not thinking for myself, of letting my church tell me how to think and who to be. They're wrong. I do think for myself. I make my own decisions. "Separation of church and state," someone said today (not to me -- they were discussing the presidential debate of last night and the reaction of students), "Stop bringing up the church, for crying out loud." Yes, I can see how saying that all LDS people should vote for Mitt Romney because he, too, is a Mormon, is probably not okay. But it's when the person took it a step farther, saying that using religious principles to formulate personal political beliefs is ridiculous, that I got a little bit bothered.

In discussions that I am included in, I don't bring up the church very often. I bring up true principles that I have a testimony of, not referencing them to the church at all. I bring up things that I know to be true. Yes, the church teaches these principles. Yes, the church revolves on the gospel of Jesus Christ. But the principles can be applied to anyone, inside or outside of the LDS church. Asking me to separate church and state in my thinking is silly to me, for how can I be the same person if I allow my thinking and action to be different when engaging with seemingly separate groups? No, I don't force my religion down people's throats. No, I don't condemn others for thinking differently than I do. No, I don't think that difference of opinion is a bad thing. I do think it strange to tell a person to separate faith from thought about other aspects of life -- telling them how to think -- particularly after slamming someone for letting the church "tell you how to think."

How can I be an example of Christ "at all times, and in all things, and in all places" if I don't live the same way in all times, and in all things, and in all places? How can I speak and act in one way at work, and then in another at church, and another in class? Why be two or three or four faced in my dealings with people? And how on earth can I separate my ways of thinking when my faith is so central to my life? No, I won't say things like, "Well, the church says this, and since you're different, you're bad." But I will say that telling me to think in certain ways or not think in certain ways is out of line -- as soon as that happens, those people begin to do exactly what they profess to hate: being told how to think by the LDS church.

Contrary to popular belief, the LDS church doesn't tell its members how to think. It doesn't tell us how to vote. The general authorities come right out and say that civic action is a duty of all citizens, and to vote according to our consciences using the information we have discovered on our own to make informed decisions. Never once do they say, "vote for so-and-so." No. That happens in isolated places and meetings because people are not perfect and are every once in awhile out of line, but it is not a church policy to do this.

I never ask anyone else to think different ways. I don't ask them to split themselves into different people according to who they are with and what they're talking about. Telling me to think for myself, and then telling me in the same sentence to stop letting my faith influence me, is completely contradictory. They call out the hypocrisy of LDS church members, but then they do the same things. That, to me, is absolutely frustrating. It is also a warning to watch myself, so that I don't fall into those same habits.

Truth will out in the end -- I'll find it in my ways, and you in yours. As for now, I will return to my book and sit quietly at the tutor table. I've learned that often the strongest argument is that of silence.

people are more important than things...

First, I would like to say thank you to all of the people who have written their thoughts about the shooting in Colorado. Each one of you has had different insights that have helped me gain a larger perspective. You have helped me keep anger and sorrow in check, and have helped me begin to move forward again.

I will admit that I have not been kept in check enough, however, to keep from feeling frustrated and upset by the lack of compassion and tact that many Internet users, political lobbyists and campaigners, column writers, and casual conversationalists have shown during the past few days.

May I just say how very tired I am of seeing people use the Colorado shooting to further their own ends. Be they political, religious, whatever -- the things I have been reading and viewing online and hearing in conversations are ridiculous. There's a little something called empathy, that being the ability to place yourself in someone else's position and attempt to see and feel things the way that person is to gain an understanding of what that person needs. I do not believe that empathy includes turning someone else's horror into an advertisement, a sarcastic meme, or a campaign slogan to carry out personal aims.

Timing, people. It's all about timing. Now is the time for prayers, for letters, for people to take an interest in not just the horror, but in the welfare of those victims of the shooting. Now is the time to focus on what can be done to help the families and friends who are left with empty spaces in their hearts that no poster or promise can heal. Now is the time to think of those who were injured, whether by physical bullets or emotional shrapnel. It is not the time to be funny or sarcastic, or to attack. The attack has already happened. It is in the past -- that cannot be changed -- and the witty comments, snarky remarks, and biting insults are doing nothing to help anyone move forward.

It is about healing. Yes, we must learn from this. We must take into consideration the measures that should be taken to keep something like this from happening again. But it is about the timing. And now is not the time for insensitive words or photos.

Forgive me if I seem close minded or unfeeling. I am not angry, not about the shooting or about the responses to it. I am sure people don't mean to be insensitive. There are so many ways that people deal with tragedies such as this, whether they were there or read about it in the paper. But the focus must be on what can be done for the people who are left to remember the horror they experienced, rather than dwelling on what someone should have done or should have said or what measures should have been in place before. There is no "should have" anymore. There is only "can do."

We live in a society that is all about the moment. We take a situation and try desperately to use it to show how clever we are, or how right we are, or how obvious "the point" of something is. I feel that we as a people are too quick to the punchline and too slow to notice the effect an event has on the individual. We aim to impress the masses, rather than to comfort the one.

We must think before we speak, post, text, and share. We must think beyond the punchline, beyond the political agenda, beyond the religious ideal. We must think of the person -- the person with a face and a name and a family and a future -- for people are always more important than things.

they know why...

School is so complicated. It's so much more than going to class and doing assignments. There are all of the hoops to jump through to fulfill requirements, all of the things you can't say in order to remain on good terms with professors and peers, all of the extra things needed outside of classes to show potential employers or educators that you're prepared, all of the little things that no one mentions until you get an email telling you that you dropped the ball you didn't know you were holding.

All of this stress and work and anxiety over a piece of paper with your name on it that says you accomplished something. All of the money, time, energy, frustration, all of it, for the sake of some fake gold lettering that you put on your wall.

There is a point to all of this stuff I'm doing, I'm sure of it. For one thing it keeps me from being bored out of my mind. For another, I'm getting a glimpse of how others think and behave in a way I wouldn't if I just had a job.

However, I don't feel like I'm doing this for any other reason than if I don't, there will be consequences that will be detrimental in the future. Be it social disapproval, or inability to provide for myself or future family, or not being able to do the things I want to do with my life -- I feel as if I go to school out of fear, rather than a desire to learn. A lot of the time I don't feel like I'm learning anything, other than that I'll never get used to how often I feel stupid in school.

I know that there are people who would do anything for a shot at an education. I mean, look at what's happening in Afghanistan. 122 girls and 3 teachers were poisoned by the Taliban while the girls were in school because these girls want an education. Not only that, but this isn't the first time this has happened over there. And you know what? The terrorists aren't stopping girls from going to school. Despite this serious threat, girls in Afghanistan don't let it stop them from learning. They're literally risking their lives to learn. They don't let anything stop them.

I'm not anywhere near as dedicated as they are. Some days I don't even know why I'm going to school. I mean...I go to school out of fear. They go to show the world that no one can stop them. They know why they're going. They know why it's important. I wish I could see it as clearly as they do, free from the lense of doubt and frustration.

I need to be more grateful for what I have. Those girls sure are -- they're grateful for their school houses that are falling down, with three students to a desk and not enough books to go around, while security guards stand outside to keep people from causing trouble. They know what they're doing, and they know why the're doing it. I pray that I can be half as brave and determined as they are.

could be worse...

This post is stupid. Beware. But I'm doing it anyway.

Shattered. Devastated. On the upside of destroyed. Lost. Heartbroken. But despite it all, not surprised. Surprised at the pain, though. That does surprise me.

Dramatic and pathetic, I know that. But it's how I feel tonight. For example: 3 hours and 2 sleeping pills later, I still cannot sleep. I can't get it out of my head. I can't get it out of my heart. I can't stop thinking. And after a whole year of trying, I still can't let it go. Even though now I have no choice. I have to. But I can't.

It hasn't been the worst 9/11 ever. I'm thankful for that.

follow the crowd...

Everyone has probably heard by now that there has been confirmation regarding the death of Osama bin Laden, known terrorist leader who has been in hiding for nearly a decade. I'm following the crowd in posting about it, but whatevs. It's on my mind, so why not write about it.

I don't like how everyone is so celebratory. It makes me feel sick to see all of the posts and comments, saying things like "**** you, Osama!" and "It's about time!", among others. Even as I read President Obama's speech, in which he said that bin Laden has finally been "brought to justice", I felt sick inside. To think that so much joy and in-your-face attitude can come from this...it's odd to me.

Don't get me wrong, I am no terrorist sympathizer. I think what they stand for and what they do is horrible. Taking life for any reason, especially to use fear to drive your cause, is wrong. Racial and religious purity and power, destruction of democracy, elimination of those who think and believe differently than you do, I don't stand for those things.

I believe in America. I believe in freedom and liberty and equality. I believe in safety and security for everyone. I believe in democracy, in the freedom to choose, in the freedom to believe as you wish, in the freedom to act as you wish as long as your actions do not infringe upon the rights of others. I believe that peace is the ultimate goal, and that war is a last resort, to defend life and liberty and to promote happiness for others who are suffering and who are oppressed.

I do not believe in celebrating the end of life, no matter what a person or group has done. I can see that with Osama bin Laden's death comes many things: he can no longer do any harm. He can't plan anything. He can't lead anyone. He can't spread ideas to the illiterate who know nothing else. This event also ends things for many people, for people who lost family and friends in the fighting. But truly, is justice served with death? A life for a life, or a life for thousands of lives. Does that make things right? Does that make it okay to jump and shout in the streets, proclaiming things like, "I bet my son is escorting him to hell" or "Take THAT, [insert obscenities]!" or "Oh yeah, JUSTICE, baby! Get where you belong!"

Do people remember that there was celebrating in the Middle East on the day the towers fell ten years ago? Do people remember? I remember. It sickened me then, and I was only in fourth grade. Now, in my own country, people celebrate death. It sickens me. To see such thirst for blood and revenge...

I know that this isn't everyone. Not everyone feels this way. It's just what I've personally seen, read, and heard tonight while I have been with my family and friends.

I recognize that for many, there are reasons to celebrate. People can point these reasons out to me, and I will acknowledge them. I accept those reasons because I can see the point, but I won't celebrate. There will be no drinks for me tonight, and not just because I don't drink.

Health Bill...so important it's in caps...

This email concerns the proposed health care bill which is being voted on in three weeks. This is not a stupid forward, 'cause my mom and I created it ourselves. I don't care if you're Republican, Democrat, black, white, orange, or purple-every single one of you is affected by this. Please view these links and brush up on page 136 of the bill. If you feel as scared as I do, send it to friends and ask them to write to their representatives. You won't regret doing so. If you don't, well, at least you know, right?

One of the most frightening things about the proposed health care bill is the assisted suicide clause, which says that counseling on how to forgo nutrition, fluids, and medication will be offered in place of care to chronically ill, critically ill, and elderly people. Basically if your health care costs outweigh your value as a citizen of the United States, they'll teach you how to put yourself to sleep.

Here are some video links. I know some of you have seen some of these before, but the vote for this bill happens at the end of the month! Please send the following to your contacts. Contact your government representatives and let them know we don't need this bill!

Hicksville, NY, protest and former Lt Gov:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vC3ENngYnlQ

Detroit protest:
Go to 3:20 on the following video (the rest is just enthusiastic people-watching):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiW8s-Vld88

Columbus, Ohio, protest (part II):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7-75RZuxIs

20/20 on USA health care reform and Canada's and UK's health care:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdx_2cuPgQQ

Fox on Health care:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yO9L3oyQhQ8


Part of being an American is taking responsibility for your part of the decision making. As George Washington said of the Constitution, "...its only keepers, the people". It is time to take up our pens and to let our voices ring out. It is our sacred honor and duty.

Let's keep this country free!

hatred...

I did something stupid today. I went upstairs and watched a part of "The Hiding Place", and now I feel an overwhelming hatred for the Germans of that time. It's the strongest, hottest, most poisonous anger that I have ever felt in my entire life. I don't understand how the guards who worked in the camps could consider themselves better, or even human. Right now it is my dearest wish to rip them all to pieces, to see them hurt in every way possible. I know it's wrong of me to want that, but I feel so uncontrollably angry.

I don't know how anyone could treat another living creature in such a way, especially someone who is just like them. I'm so angry that I'm crying. How is it possible for people to do that to one another? And now I feel like doing the same thing. Why does that happen? Why did they do it? And why do I have urges to become the same sort of monster that the Germans were?

My whole body aches. Every beating and lashing I viewed is now present upon my own body and soul, like phantom reminders of the past. The skin on my back feels each tear and strike; the muscles and veins of my hands and wrists bleed. My mind sees the images of suffering and pain and transfers it onto my own body. The sights, sounds, and memories feed the hate I feel. I hate what happens to people. I hate it. I hate them. And I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't. How can I stay away from such hatred? How can I keep it from destroying me, like it destroyed so many before?

I know that Christ has felt every single thing that those people felt, and that I feel now. Could he have possibly felt the hate that I feel, and feel the pain it adds? Does he understand? I know he can help if I let him. That's how I can stay away from such hatred. This has shown me again how much I need a Savior, and he's there. Always. No matter what happens, he's there.

I don't feel hate anymore. Just pain and sadness, a horrible, aching emptiness. I don't understand it. I wish it had never happened to anyone.

The hate is easier. It's easier to feel. You can let it control you and it makes you stronger. But in the end, it will only break you. The sadness is harder to bear, but it doesn't feel evil. It makes me want to help those in need now, and to make sure that justice is brought about for those who suffer today. Sadness isn't hot. It doesn't make me want to rip people apart. Sadness is cool and makes me want to help. If that makes any sense.

I'm sorry I've gone off on this for so long. It helped though, to write out what I was feeling. I'm still horribly sad, but I know how to stay away from such anger. See, I don't think things through all the way until I examine how I feel. I have to let how I feel and what I'm thinking bleed out onto a page, whether in my own handwriting or pounding it out on a keyboard. Then I can get to a resolution. And I have, really. I don't feel angry. And the sadness is ebbing away and changing into a resolve to make the world better so that where I live this sort of thing won't happen. I'll try to lift others up instead of bringing them down, because crushing, tearing words can be just as painful as whips and guns. Even more, I think. I can't stop a war, and I can't force people to think the way I do, but I can help individual people not feel so alone. I can help in different ways.

Again, I'm sorry. I'll still post this, because after all this is my journal. But now you know why I did.

*sighness much*...

Saw Twilight again today. I was hesitant to see it a second time, because I really didn't think it was a good enough movie to watch twice in the theaters.

Well, I was wrong. I still find it shallow and some parts are slow, but I enjoyed it a lot. I miss the conversations and the self-doubt that Bella has about herself (how she points out her obvious flaws to Edward when she wonders why he likes her, and he counters them with the strengths that he loves), and I wish it had been more about the real love that they have instead of lust. Ah well. Real love doesn't sell; it all has to be superficial and "exciting."

Popcorn and drinks are SO EXPENSIVE!!! When the total came up for a water bottle and a small popcorn ($9.50!!! Eeek!) my jaw dropped. I have obviously not been to a movie in a very long time. There goes the rest of my play money for the month. At least I ordered my 13th Reality books before today.

And just for the record, Barrack Obama is a liar. (And don't tell me to shut my yaptrap, because as far as I know I still have freedom of speech and press, which is given to me under the Constitution and the first ammendment of the Bill of Rights. The bomb getting rid of that has not been dropped. Yet.) Reducing abortion has turned into getting rid of the law which protects doctors who refuse to do abortions due to their religious/personal beliefs. If the law passes (more like when), the doctors can then be sued by patients if they refuse to perform an abortion. Know what that means? I'll tell ya, then.

Over 600 Catholic run hospitals will close because they will not perform abortions (I looked it up). Which means that all of those people will have to find somewhere else to get their medical help, which means that they will turn to the government for health care. And with the government telling businesses (yes, hospitals are business) what to do, you no longer have capitalism. If you follow this train of thought further, by logical reasoning you can only come up with something like this: communism.

Unless of course I'm a completely stupid out-of-the-loop ignoramus, which I highly doubt, this is NOT a good thing. See what you voted for? *sigh* I wish things had turned out differently. Pray that things will work out. I know that D&C 122 says that "all things shall be for your good" or something like that, but still. How much bad do we have to face until the good comes out?

I'm done now. I don't know how I went from Twilight to abortion, but it happened. And my hands are freezing cold, so I think I'll stop typing now. Which I said up there. Dang it. I'm redundant.

draper temple...

Tonight was one of the many nights in which the new temple in Draper is open to the public to visit. The Open House has been going on for, I dunno, a couple of months and ends sometime in March (the 11?). My family and I arrived at the chapel where we were to park our car and board a bus to tour the Draper Temple, which will be dedicated in March of this year. We got there at about 7:30 and didn't end up leaving until after 8:30, due to the number of people who cut us in line. The volunteers and missionaries who were in charge weren't very organized. We watched a movie about temples (which is pretty boring for a Seminary student, ah, well) and finally got on a bus. Then we walked through a mile long, white tent tunnel (not a mile, but when you can't see where you're going it feels longer) and reached the temple.

I will be perfectly honest. I was bored. I'm the type of person who spends, like, ten minutes in an art exhibit when my mother spends ten at each painting. Walking from room to room to room for me is boring. I suppose I'm ADD or something, because there were a couple of rooms that fascinated me and I didn't want to leave. The Celestial Room chandelier made me start to go through possible ways that it could fall, such as earthquake, wind, faulty installation, et cetera. My paranoia showing again. It was beautiful though, and fascinating to look at.

The Bride's Dressing Room was gorgeous, and I've decided to decorate my room in a similar style. Another cool thing was the bathroom. It was amazingly pretty. I'm glad I won't have to clean them, though. They're completely carpeted. Even in the stalls. The Baptismal Font was neat to see, too. And the stained glass and wood working. All of the wood is African Cherry. That stuff costs a LOAD of money. Gorgeous stuff, and super nice to work with. Mr. Haight had a block of that and a block of zebra wood, each worth $50 for less than five pounds. Oy.

There was one room that I remember particularly well: the Sealing Room. I sat in the chair where the bride sits, and for some reason I felt odd. Well, I know what it was, but it was strong. The peace made my heart pound and my chest burn. Peace + pounding heart = oxymoron, but it works. It was totally worth the long walk, the long wait, and the heat.

The stake center next to the temple had an art display on, live music, and refreshments. I will say it again, BYU cookies are the best ever. My dad saw some friends of his who used to live in our ward, and I was able to speak a little bit of Spanish to them. I understand better than I speak; I forget everything and just kind of smile and stumble through Spanish 1 equivalent sentences. Ah, well. The treats were good.

It was cold outside. As we waited for the bus ride back to the church where our car was parked, my sisters and I began jumping up and down and singing songs like "Kookabura", "When the Saints Go Marching In", "The Pioneer Song", and "Horsey, Horsey". Not only did we warm up but we entertained the other people in line. They thought we were crazy, but they were freezing and we weren't. Ha.

While driving back, my sisters and I started to get silly. Here's one of the things we came up with:

"In the beginning, Adam married Eve. In the end, Eve killed Adam." (copyright, please don't use without asking me first)

Dad: "I wonder if Adam outlived Eve."
Meghan: "How could he? Eve killed him!" (also, please don't use without asking me first. gracias!)
Sarah: "Yeah, dad, pay attention!"
Amanda: "Sheesh."

I'm glad I went though. There was that special moment that made it totally worth it. And of course, the cookies and water bottles. The way to my heart is through my stomach. Nah, just kidding. But it's true for my beagle.

speaking of heat waves***...

***READ THERMOSTAT WARS FIRST to understand the title up top***


Whenever I see someone, I get hot all over. My face gets pink, my eyes start to sparkle, and my hands and knees shake. I know about the eyes and face because my friend told me that's what happens. I dreamed about him last night. I'm going to be completely honest here: hot stuff.

And I'm extremely angry with the stupidity of the news media. Why are they investigating the woman who had eight children in one birth and all ready had six? Maybe she wanted more kids, maybe she doesn't believe in abortion. Maybe after the six she wanted another child, but because of hers or her husband's age they couldn't have a child naturally. WHO CARES, PEOPLE?!?! Get the heck of their case and let them be a family. And as for the fact that "people don't know when to stop and they're not thinking of the future generations," give it a rest. As long as people aren't continually greedy, there will be plenty to go around for everyone. It says so in the scriptures. Look it up, I'm too lazy to go find mine in my suitcase.

Another stupid thing: Obama is having a Super Bowl party in the White House. There are more important things to be thinking about. Another stupid thing: you know how anyone can get a Facebook or a Myspace? To me, it is not professional for CNN news casters to be advertising that they have those pages. It just bugs me.

K, I'm done venting, even though there are a LOT more things that bug me about the news media. Like Barrack Obama's potential and already cabinet members who "forgot" to pay their taxes for several years. Excuse me? How do you forget to pay your taxes? If you've got Internet, newspaper, television, or just walk around in the world, you're going to see reminders everywhere to pay your taxes. Stupid idiots. And people actually swallow that crap?! STUPID!! "Oh, it's okay, he just forgot for a couple of years. No big deal. He can be on my cabinet, it's all right." Idiot. Red flag, people. Crooks hire crooks. Even if we can't get access to proof, the logical path of reasoning leads to that conclusion. Oh, but sorry. You vote your party. Party politics + party loyalties = the brain shuts off.

I guess I wasn't done venting. Boy. I'm on one today. Probably because I'm worried for our country, and I'm worried about a friend of mine who's making some not so great decisions, and I'm worried because my sister is still sick, and I'm failing classes. Sorry. I'll stop now.

veiled threats...

Veiled threats is the only term I can actually put my finger on when I think of my impressions about President Obama's speech today. Veiled threats is all I can think of when I remember the smile that didn't meet the eyes of the new American leader. I shudder and feel a horrible sense of foreboding each time the words from the reports on the two senators who became ill at the Inaugural Luncheon enter my mind. I hope that my feelings are wrong, but I can't be sure anymore. All of these feelings I have are too horrid to think about, especially in this country with its beliefs. If I ignore them, however, I feel that I will be walking into a trap that is cleverly set and ready to spring.

I haven't ever felt the need to constantly look over my shoulder, as though I were to be attacked at any minute. From the time of the inauguration this morning, that feeling has become ever stronger. My neighbor sitting next to me at the computer is no longer a friend. I feel that I cannot trust anyone.

"The black don't give back, the brown get down, the yellow be mellow, the redman will get ahead, man, the white will finally embrace the right." I thought the United States was supposed to be united in ideals. The sectional and racial tensions from the past have become almost memories. The injustices have been fixed. Why are we bringing it up again?

Two thoughts come to mind. The first is a quote from Padme Amidala, a character from the famous Star Wars saga. "So this is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause." This has plagued my mind all afternoon. The second is from my own pondering: "History always repeats itself. But this time, there will be no America to save us."

I hope all of what I have written is just out of fear of change and paranoia. I hope that nothing comes of it, and that all will be well in our country and our lives. I hope no one takes offense at what I have said. I am merely writing down my thoughts in an effort to dispel the fear I feel. It gnaws at my insides, and I have to let it escape somewhere. My handwriting is terrible, though, so I type it instead of write it. Forgive me if I have caused anyone anxiety, anger, or any other emotions.

time to write the obituary...

I kind of broke my mom's camera today at the pet store. I thought I'd caught it in a way that it only hit the corner, but I was wrong. The lens is stuck open. Shhhh. I haven't told her yet. She's going to kill me. Funeral details will be posted by my sister, unless I have a very wonderful guardian angel out there somewhere.

A second death: America as we know it. I am so worried about our new President and Vice President. To me, it seems that the "change" they promise will only move us backward, not forward. I don't know. I'm just worried.

And for all of you who think that anyone who criticizes our president-elect is racist: go die. That is the stupidest thing ever. All presidents get criticized, no matter what color, race, religion (Romney), gender (cough, remember Palin? The whole lipstick crap? They could never say that about a guy), ideas (every single president in our history), and everything else that makes a person. I wish our new president all the best and hope that his decisions will make our country better than it was before. Good luck, Mr. Obama!

lightning meets volcano

These are some of the most amazing images I've ever seen in my entire life. Take a peek.

Recent Events

So, a tally for me to keep track of the natural disasters that have been happening. There are so many lately that I'm having a hard time keeping track.

Tornadoes-

• California, brought two inches of snow, giant mudslides, and hail the size of golf balls.
• Iowa, 7 people dead so far, 50 or more injured.
• Minnesota, 1 person dead so far, 20 or more injured.
• Wyoming, a mile wide tornado.
• Colorado, mile and a 1/2 wide tornado traveled for 35 miles (1 dead in Wyoming or Colorado tornados, I can't remember where.)

Fires-

• California wild fires
• Florida wild fires

Earthquakes-

• Colombia, 45 second earthquake, no count as to how many dead, injured, or misplaced as yet.
• China, earthquake literally flattened Shang Diu (spelling, I dunno). Thousands dead, injured, and missing.

Hurricanes-

• Mayanmar (Burma), massive hurricane hit a couple of weeks ago. Country officials not allowing aid to enter country.

Now I have to ask, due to all of the tornadoes in the middle states-Does my family really want to go to Nauvoo this summer? I think not.

And to all of my friends who read this blog-I am starting a clothing/hygiene-kit drive this week or next. I have to find out the details of what the Humanitarian Aid Center needs, and I'll post a list as soon as I get one. You can drop stuff off at my house if you'd like to when I get a list up.