what can you do for America?

It's hard to believe that it's been 14 years since I was sitting in the family room with my backpack on and my shoes untied, more captivated by a radio than any 10-year-old child in this generation has ever been.

I'm saddened today -- not so much for the loss of 14 years ago, nor by the actions of the terrorists. Those feelings, though still tender upon memory, have been eased to a reverence through forgiveness, stories of courage, and hope in the goodness of humanity as thousands reached out to a suffering nation.

But I am saddened by how in such a short time -- 14 short years -- America has remembered the tragedy, but not the need to stand together as a nation, to fight for the ideals and values which birthed this country, to put others before self. As a whole, America appears to have forgotten the lessons we learned about pride, about ignoring threats, about selflessness before personal gain.

Wake up, America. Remember not just the days of dust, debris, destruction, and death. Remember that events like these serve as a wake up call, an easily forgotten reminder that evil is out there. That evil, given any chance, will rear its head and strike the innocent. Remember your part in this, as you sat rooted to the spot watching the Towers fall, the Pentagon burn, the fields of Pennsylvania fill with smoke.

Remember that America needs YOU, the very best you that can be given. Not our ignorance, our pride, our selfishness, our all-about-me needs. It needs our love, our committment to becoming better every day, our fight for freedom and justice for all humanity.

"God bless America, land that I love. Stand beside her and guide her through the night with a light from above."

drop dead...

That awkward moment when one second you're singing "Come Thou Fount" and the next you're staring up at dozens of concerned faces over your head.

Yeah. I passed out in choir today. I'm not really sure what happened. No, I didn't lock my knees -- I've been singing since I was four-years-old, so I'm well aware of that no-no. As a matter of fact, I actually sat down for a whole five minutes due to a sudden headache before I hit the floor. I made it through maybe the first line and a half of the first verse after standing up...not entirely sure when I lost consciousness.

Thankfully, Amber caught me on my way down (according to reports from bystanders). Between her, Jason the EMT, and Jamie the Lifeguard, I was in pretty capable hands (har-har). Dad did drag me to the doctor, which I resent a little bit, and as usual, it was determined that nothing is wrong with me.

I'm probably just super stressed. Not to mention the stress has been amplified because I lost a whole afternoon and evening of homework time, and my first 12-page paper is due on Thursday at 1:30. It's the history paper that my professor said will be graded according to a higher standard than my classmates because I'm brilliant.

Well. I hope she likes disappointment, because the best I can do is much less than I had anticipated. Which is frustrating. I hate, hate, hate doing mediocre work.

School should die. It sure is killing me.

funny, what you remember...

and what can break your heart.

March top 10...

1. Just Give Me a Reason -- P!nk
2. My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark -- Fall Out Boy
3. Radioactive -- Imagine Dragons
4. Sail -- Awolnation
5. Better Dig Two -- The Band Perry
6. Overjoyed -- Matchbox Twenty
7. Daylight -- Maroon 5
8. Catch My Breath -- Kelly Clarkson
9. It's Time -- Imagine Dragons
10. Radioactive -- Lindsey Sterling and Pentatonix cover

on repeat...

You know how sometimes you get a song stuck in your head, and it just plays over and over again until you think you'll go crazy? Especially those songs where you only know some of the words, or no words at all, and it's a super catchy bridge part that no one cares about?

Today I've had a phrase stuck in my head that won't go away.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm sitting here on my bedroom floor in the far corner, thinking about the current mantra my mind has chosen for itself and wondering where in the world it came from. Out of nowhere, unexpected. BAM.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm half tempted to go look up some really terrible, obnoxious song to replace the phrase my brain is spinning like ticker tape across my mental eye. But all I can think of is "Friday," and that song is a bit too awful for my liking.

Funny. I don't know what I don't want to do anymore.

February top 10...

1. Wide Awake -- Katy Perry
2. Better Dig Two -- The Band Perry
3. Skyfall -- Adele
4. Dark Side -- Kelly Clarkson
5. Begin Again -- Taylor Swift
6. Guardian -- Alanis Morrisette
7. A Drop in the Ocean -- Ron Pope
8. Sail -- Awolnation
9. It's Time -- Imagine Dragons
10. Welcome to the Black Parade -- My Chemical Romance

January top 10...

1. Begin Again -- Taylor Swift
2. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together -- Taylor Swift
3. Blown Away -- Carrie Underwood
4. Better Dig Two -- The Band Perry
5. Every Storm Runs Out of Rain -- Gary Allan
6. It's Time -- Imagine Dragons
7. If I Saved My Heart for You -- Carrie Underwood
8. Burn it Down -- Linkin Park
9. Cryin' on a Suitcase -- Casey James
10. Who You Are -- Jessie J

want...

There is nothing I want more than to put on comfy sweats, eat half (or more) of a carton of chocolate ice cream, and sing with Katy Perry as loud as I possibly can. Because days like these I want to drive away, just pack my bags and watch all of those shadows fade.

I'm so tired -- and I don't have any chocolate ice cream because I exercised self-control at the grocery store and only bought the things that I really need.

Not sure what's wrong with me today. It's like being really hungry, so hungry you're empty inside and your stomach is tied up in knots.

Although I'm not physically hungry -- I found these preservative free granola bars at the grocery store which I keep in my pockets and eat between classes. I don't get a break at all on MWF, so I snag a snack when I can. Let me tell you, those granola bars are yummy, yummy. Especially the chocolate-dipped coconut bars. And the peanut butter chip bars. Yummy.

2 hours until I can go home. Cannot wait.

December top 10...

1. Begin Again -- Taylor Swift
2. Taking Chances -- Glee cover
3. Daylight -- Maroon 5
4. Skyfall -- Adele
5. Miss Me -- Andy Grammar
6. Too Close to Love You -- Alex Clare
7. As Long As You Love Me -- Justin Bieber
8. Who You Are -- Jessie J
9. Faithfully -- Journey
10. A Team -- Ed Sheeran

the walls come down...

ER, anyone?

At 10:00 tonight, I got a call from a friend informing me that another friend was in serious trouble.

So I called a different friend with a car, and we kindly forced the troubled friend into said car. And then drove to the emergency room. After which, we spent 30 minutes trying to get her out of the car and into the ER.

Finally, she agreed to come in. Very reluctantly. I pretty much pushed her across the parking lot.

At 1:00 this morning, Chelsea came and picked me up because the migraine I had this morning started coming back. And I have a 12 page paper to finish that is due at 8:00 this morning.

So. That's taken care of for now. Not the paper, but the friend in trouble.

Never taken a friend to the ER before.

Never pulled an all-nighter as a BYU student before, either (and school is out tomorrow...what?).

Never thought I'd like a Christmas song featuring C-Lee and the Muppets. NEVER.

Now to write 3 more pages. And maybe get some sleep. But after two 20 ounce bottles of Coke Zero, that might not be happening. We'll have to see.

November top 10...

1. Who You Are -- Jessie J
2. Catch Fire -- Joel Aldrich
3. Cryin' on a Suitcase -- Casey James
4. Too Close to Love You -- Alex Clare
5. Try -- P!nk
6. Between the Raindrops -- Lifehouse ft. Natasha Beddingfield
7. Unapologize -- Carrie Underwood
8. One More Night -- Maroon 5
9. Once Upon Another Time -- Sara Bareilles
10. Let it Rain -- David Nail

you know those times when...

...you sit at your computer for hours with the intention of starting a paper/essay/research project, but you end up staring at the screen because you can't seem to get started?
...you lay in bed for hours with the blankets over your head while you cry because no matter how tired you are, you can't fall asleep?
...you park yourself on the couch and enter the woman's version of the "nothing box," which is when you're thinking about so many things that it becomes absolutely unintelligible, the thoughts so disconnected it's as though they're not even happening?
...you look at your bank statement and feel utter shock course through you as you see how little money you have left, and can't seem to remember what you spent it all on?
...you wish you could talk to someone, but every time you try, no one listens because they start talking about how hard their own lives are or lecturing you on what you should do, should have done, or aren't doing enough of?
...you look at your calendar and want to stow away on a plane to Australia, where no one can find you and make you face your responsibilities?
...you wonder if there's any point to anything that you're doing anymore?

Pretty sure most people have those times. We'll get through them -- one day at a time. Just keep trying.

October top 10...

1. Who You Are -- Jessie J
2. Home -- Philip Phillips
3. Skyfall -- Adele
4. Miss Me -- Andy Grammer
5. Too Close -- Alex Clare
6. Cryin' on a Suitcase -- Casey James
7. Between the Raindrops -- Lifehouse ft. Natasha Bedingfield
8. Blown Away -- Carrie Underwood
9. Wide Awake -- Katy Perry
10. Faithfully -- Journey

September top 10...

1. Catch Fire -- Joel Aldrich (listen to this one -- DO IT -- because my friend wrote it)
2. Miss Me -- Andy Grammer
3. A Team -- Ed Sheeran 
4. One More Night -- Maroon 5
5. Never Ever Getting Back Together -- Taylor Swift
6. Sad -- Maroon 5
7. If I Saved My Heart for You -- Carrie Underwood
8. Good Girl -- Carrie Underwood
9. Vision of Love -- Kris Allen
10. Call Me Maybe -- Carly Rae Jepsen

i like America...

As an American Studies major, I think that stuff like this rocks (ah ha ha).

Sorry, George. It's just too late.

August top 10...

1. He'll Find a Way -- Dallyn Bayles
2. One More Night -- Maroon 5
3. City -- Sara Bareilles
4. Sad -- Maroon 5
5. Live to Rise -- Soundgarden
6. Taking Chances -- Glee cover
7. If I Saved My Heart for You -- Carrie Underwood
8. Little Wonders -- Rob Thomas
9. Catch Fire -- Joel Aldrich
10. Feelings Show -- Colbie Caillat

in my language...

People have different ways of feeling loved and appreciated. My mom feels loved when someone listens to her. My dad feels loved when someone spends time with him. One of my friends responds well to physical affection. Another friend likes doing activities. While those are not the only ways that they feel loved, those are the primary things that help them know they are cared for. There are a lot of ways that I know people care, but the main thing for me is tokens of affection. Receiving a small gift or a note or a person doing something nice for me is the easiest way for me to recognize that someone cares. Tokens can be anything, really. They can be a note, or a call record that I can look at on a future day, or a leaf from a walk with a friend, or anything really.

Today has seen an outpouring of love in a language that I respond well to. It actually started last night. It's meant so much to me, and I'm so very grateful for the people who took the time to show me that they're aware of me.

1. A letter from Jordan
2. A voice message from Brianna that I saved on my phone
3. Chocolates and lotion from my landlord's little boy because he wanted to say thank you to me for taking care of his dog
4. A text message from Sierra that I was able to save and read again later
5. A CD of LDC music from Ann
6. Dad stopping by my house while I was at work and getting some cleaning done for me before my landlords arrived
7. A loaf of bread left on my porch with a pretty ribbon that had a special message for me -- I don't know who it's from, but I'm grateful to them
8. A note on my Facebook page from Alyssa

Even though it's been a hard day, I've felt loved. I have all of these little reminders that I can hold and look at and experience again. So to my friends and family, thank you.

July top 10...

1. Once Upon Another Time -- Sara Bareilles
2. Wipe Your Eyes -- Maroon 5
3. Summer is Over -- Jon McLaughlin and Sara Bareilles
4. Come Home -- One Republic and Sara Bareilles
5. What Makes You Beautiful -- ThePianoGuys cover of One Direction
6. Vision of Love -- Kris Allen
7. Sad -- Maroon 5
8. Payphone -- Maroon 5
9. Wanted -- Hunter Hayes
10. Brokenhearted -- Karmin

Maroon 5 and Sara Bareilles...adore.

be bold...

Once upon a time in January I filled out this post template for the heck of it. It's now 6 months later. I decided to fill it out again and see if any of my "sometimes" have changed.


SOMETIMES
...I get weirdly excited about hearing a song on the radio. Like Kelly Clarkson's "Dark Side" or Katy Perry's "Wide Awake" or Rihanna's "Where Have You Been" or Journey's "Faithfully" (among others). Those are the moments when I just have to turn up the volume and sing along. Or, you know. Dance in my car.

...I feel overwhelmed with gratitude when a friend spends an afternoon with me or lets me talk to them on the phone.

...I can't stop thinking about school starting. And...I'll admit it...that one person.

...I just want to be happy all day, every day.

...I am kind of a bad person and judge myself and others too harshly.

...I wish I could express what I know in my heart without fear of rejection or losing a friend. But that is always a risk -- always.

...I  (still) just don't understand the allure of Batman. This topic of conversation follows me everywhere. It never used to come up at all -- then I met Parker and I swear he cursed me.

...I can't believe how close I am to turning 21. 6 months from now, I'll be 21. That is so strange.

...I strongly consider spending a lot of money on clothes and shoes (some things don't change very much). Add in an iPod and we're set.

If you want, try this yourself (even if you've done it before). Just copy and paste the bolded areas and fill in your "sometimes."