want...

There is nothing I want more than to put on comfy sweats, eat half (or more) of a carton of chocolate ice cream, and sing with Katy Perry as loud as I possibly can. Because days like these I want to drive away, just pack my bags and watch all of those shadows fade.

I'm so tired -- and I don't have any chocolate ice cream because I exercised self-control at the grocery store and only bought the things that I really need.

Not sure what's wrong with me today. It's like being really hungry, so hungry you're empty inside and your stomach is tied up in knots.

Although I'm not physically hungry -- I found these preservative free granola bars at the grocery store which I keep in my pockets and eat between classes. I don't get a break at all on MWF, so I snag a snack when I can. Let me tell you, those granola bars are yummy, yummy. Especially the chocolate-dipped coconut bars. And the peanut butter chip bars. Yummy.

2 hours until I can go home. Cannot wait.

the Hub...

I spend a lot of time in my kitchen. Yes, I do the obvious things, like cook. This kitchen will forever be in my memory as "the place where I taught myself to make good food." So far even my mistakes have been successful -- like the sweet and tangy meatball sauce I made in the crock pot? Waaaaaay too much chili sauce, but it turned out quite well.

I clean a lot, too. Some friends say I clean so much that it's nigh unto an obsession. You know what, though? I like it clean. After all, since I do spend a lot of time cooking, I want to have a clean place to work. I also am haunted by the memory from when I worked on a custodial team at a middle school, and we were allowed to borrow a bacteria counter thing-a-ma-jig from an inspector. Our toilet seats had less bacteria on them than the school cafeteria tabletops. Oh. My. SICK.

Did I ever tell you that I dance in my kitchen? YouTube and Pandora are my friends. So is Justin Bieber. He hangs out with me a lot. Gives me tips on my moves. Actually, he doesn't, and I'm glad he can't see me dance because he'd probably laugh. I mean, once upon a time I was dancing in my bedroom when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I stopped because I was embarrassed for myself. No mirrors in the kitchen!

Talking on the phone happens a lot here, too. I'm not generally one to sit in normal places, like on a chair or the couch or in bed, while on the phone. I find myself huddled in corners, perched on the banister, sprawled on the bar over the sink, seated on the closed toilet while fixing my nails, under the table -- my favorite place is the subtle nook-ish spot by the dishwasher. Or leaning against the fridge. Don't ask my why all of those places are appealing. It's weird. I know.

Studying, writing, and stalking keeping up with friends through the Internet are frequent occurrences, too (do you ever have words that you just cannot seem to spell correctly ever? occurrences -- took me three times to get it right. rhythm is the other one I can never seem to get right). Facebook, Pinterest, gMail, Blogger...you name it. Except Twitter. Boring. They don't even have a like button.

There are a lot of good talks in my kitchen. Lots of hilarious jokes, stories about people's lives, insights into personalities, confessions, ideas, advice. Shared experiences, usually between myself and one other person. Sometimes we share food, too, but the sharing of laughter, experiences, and trust are even better.

I talk to myself, too. What? Why are you looking me like that's weird? Because if you know me, you also know that I talk to myself. And you also know that I'm weird. But it's cool! We talked about talking to ourselves in my Anthropology language class. It's healthy. Unless, you know. You're actually crazy. I have a lot of good conversations with myself. Working out problems I can't solve silently, walking myself through recipes, making myself laugh (I'm funny). Singing, too. Singing happens here.

Tears fall here, too. Sometimes there's a reason for them. Other times they just fall.

Mary Wixom said that the "kitchen is the hub of the home." It's the heart of the bustle and commotion of life. It's where people meet after their busy days -- coming in from their spokes on the family wheel and settling in the center, the Hub. It's where we talk and share our experiences. It's where we slow down for a little while, taking a few moments to notice that we're not just getting things done and running around crazy. We're living.

weekend thoughts and observations...

...sometimes my thoughts are deep. other times, they're more like this...
...one of my dear, dear friends has just transferred to BYU. Welcome to Cougar Town, Brady!! I'm so, so excited to go to school with you again!! Granted he'll be in the Business building ALL the time because he's smart and cool like that, but still. It'll be good to know I have another friend on campus.
...every time I sneeze (and they're not big sneezes), the vertebrae in my back pop into alignment
...same thing happens when I lift something that weighs more than ten pounds. It isn't heavy, but my back pops anyway.
...I'm thinking about taking a second stats class just to have Patti as a professor again -- she's fantastic -- and I actually find stats really fascinating
...I have $7 in my bank account...I'm super glad that my grant came through for Spring/Summer
...is it possible to OD on Ibuprofen? Hope not...
...weird things make me cry.......like Penelope -- I cried TWICE during that movie -- double u tee heck?
...Iceburg shakes = one of the best things that has ever happened to me
...I'm actually really looking forward to school starting in two weeks...huh?
...I only sing at home when I'm by myself -- the second I hear the door, it was as though I was never belting "Someone Like You" (Jekyll and Hyde) while dancing through the house with a duster and a laundry basket (or, you know, just sitting in my room on my bed staring at walls thinking about what I should be doing)
...my bed has become one of my very best friends in the whole world
...I'll bet you $7 that my Visiting Teachers are cooler/kinder/sweeter/funnier/more helpful/make better cookies than yours do
...remember that Kid History video where the guy proclaims to the world that he hates hot dogs (at 1:53)? Well, I. HATE. ONIONS.
...music is SO POWERFUL. I was asked to sing in church, first soloing on the first verse, a duet with Amanda on the second, and then with the choir on the third and fourth verses. It was the hymn version of "I Know That My Redeemer Lives." From the first phrase, people were crying. The Spirit was so very strong. Gotta love it.
...if I could eat pizza bites, brownie shakes, carrots, peach or strawberry yogurt, and Reese's every day without getting fat/sick, I would
...spending most of two days in bed is boring
...less than two weeks until my sista-friend Brianna gets married!!!!!!!!

slightly frustrating...

1. People not paying attention during rehearsals, therefore wasting valuable time
2. Rehearsal overlaps
3. Techie-performer clashes (luckily I don't have to worry about it because I'm friends with pretty much every single techie [Thespian Troupe 3490 for the win!!] but still...it's annoying when two groups of friends don't like each other at all [West Side Story, anyone?])
4. The short girls and boys in the "Amereeca" dance being stuck on the back row while the tall girls and boys get put on the front row (most of whom can't even dance as well as the short people)
5. Singers who stand still with no movement whatsoever and the song dies
6. People not showing up to rehearsals that they really did know about but "forgot"
7. Getting sick and getting steadily worse with the concert one week away
8. Being half an hour late to rehearsal because of mentioned illness
9. People not taking costumes seriously
10. Costume that took so much time and so much effort being too long in the torso (short!!)

Among other things. And now I'm going to bed because I really am sick and it's stupid. But at least I'm smiling because:

1. Tiana is an amazing friend
2. Jordan is an amazing friend
3. Paul is an amazing friend and gives really, really good massages. He is my new headache medicine.
4. Lots and lots of people have come up to me to tell me that I'm a good dancer
5. I have a soft, soft, soft bed
6. Mrs. Davis said that I'm doing fantastic on the samba and that she's very pleased with how quickly I've caught up then moved ahead
7. Brad (BYU Young Ballroom Dance Team member) being my partner for the test next Tuesday in Ballroom
8. Kevin agreeing to be my math tutor
9. Andrew's outrageously HIDEOUS colorful shirt with ridiculous patterns all over it that he's wearing for the show because "it's flamboyant and colorful and that's what they wanted for the Sharks" while yelling out "Lawn-da-ree (laundry), ah ha ha!!" during "Amereeca" when we sing about having washing machines. It totally made my day.
10. Being able to sleep in tomorrow despite afternoon rehearsals because there's no school!!

So yeah. Frustrated, but still happy.

a snowy day...

Come see what I saw while walking through my neighborhood today. I was selling tickets to help pay for my choir tour, and I just happened to have my camera with me.

geese flying over my neighborhood

birds resting after the storm

reminders of spring

mountains...clouds...sky...happy

It was a good walk. I got to see lots of pretty things, plus I made more money to help pay for tour. Double win.

Oh! Tonight was my sister's performance with All-State Junior Honor Choir. And guess what? She had a solo!! It was a total surprise for all of us, including her. She tried out yesterday for a solo in the last big number and got "second place" (it was kind of like American Idol she said) out of 160 girls. :D :D :D Go, Meghan!! Then, two hours before the performance, the director asked her if she would solo on another song because "I felt badly that there wasn't a spot for you because you did so well and I couldn't get you out of my head all night long". Haha!! So Meghan had a solo on a song called "Dancing Tree". Here's a picture of her and the director, Dr. Broomhead (no joke). He also knows Mrs. Mathews, my choir teacher, and said he'll be keeping an eye on Meghan, me, and Amanda. :)

It's kind of a lousy picture, but there was a long line of people waiting to talk to him. Sorry about the blurry faces-they actually look a little bit different than that. Haha :).

show girl...

I have discovered how very much I love singing and performing. I used to hate performing. Even when I was in "The Wizard of Oz" I dreaded the actual performances. Now I cannot wait for the next performance opportunity! And...I'll be having several more.

Mrs. Mathews has invited me to participate and learn with her show choir, Ariosa. I'm not really sure exactly what they're about, but I know that they go to schools and put on performances for kids. I also know that they sounded fabulous at the concert last night, and that there are only 12 of them currently-4 boys and 8 girls. I make them unlucky, if you think about it that way. But I don't. I want to perform with them, because they're very good and it gives me another opportunity to learn.

I can't figure out what has changed my mind about performing and singing. I hated to sing only a few weeks ago. Interesting how quickly things change.

sing, sing, sing...

I sang for over 3 hours today. Wowza. That's a lot of singing. I woke up and went to Communications (which is absolutely ridiculous-loathe that class pretty much) and sat for over an hour itching to get to choir. The teacher FINALLY dismissed us and *zoom* off I went.

I'm starting to get nervous about the concert tomorrow. What if I screw up? What if I forget that I have a solo part? What if the mic isn't turned on? What if the mic IS turned on? What if my voice cracks? What if...what if...what if...

Anyway, we rehearsed on the stage during our class today, and then I went home and sang for another hour to keep warm for the after school rehearsal. I had to go in my Scout uniform, because I would be leaving the rehearsal and going straight to work. I got a few interesting comments about it, such as, "Oh, goodness! You are the only girl I've ever seen who looks fantastic in a Scout uniform!" and "Oh, PRECIOUS!!! Are you a Den Mother?" and "I want those pants." Those were all from girls. The guys were like, "Um...are you a Boy Scout?" No, stupid, I'm not a BOY scout. Duh. Haha.

Work was actually not so bad today. Andrea, the newest girl, is really nice. She's become one of my good friends. I wish we actually went to school together. I don't know what the deal is with me making good friends and not going to school with any of them. They all live 20 minutes from my house in some direction or another. Ugh. I feel so lonely.

Some good things:

• Saw and actually spoke with Jason. I have a date with him in a few weeks, and ever since I asked him I've been terrified to talk to him again. He complimented me on my performance yesterday morning and said he was so excited because, "I was like, dude! That girl singing? That's my date! Not yours, MINE! Ha!" *blush*
• Mr. Fieldstead, our school Student Council adviser, said that I was the best soloist for "The National Anthem" that he's heard in 10 years. He is extremely critical of singers and has been asking the principal to stop allowing students to sing it for the past three years. *blush* My friend Arielle told me to be watching for Mr. Fieldstead. Good thing, bad thing, I dunno.
• Sarah, my Algebra 2 buddy (soon to be ex-Algebra 2 buddy; turns out she didn't need the credit so she's ditching me. *sniff* I have no friends in that class now. And really, I've tried to make some.), said she's pretty sure the drama teacher is kicking himself for not casting me and she's going to help me prepare for the "Nunsense" auditions in December. Sarah is really good at monologue selections, which I am not. Huge relief right there.
• I seriously got compliments on yesterday ALL day today. It was weird, and so embarrassing. But it was good, too, because at least it didn't suck.
• Yummy dinner that mom made.
• Being told I look good in a Scout uniform was a good thing. I've seriously been paranoid about it for the longest time. Yay.
  

Finally got up the courage to go to Jason's house (my November Sadie Hawkins date, which is in three weeks) and deliver the brownies my mom and I made yesterday. I only did it because I knew he wasn't going to be home. Ha. Coward. Meghan went with me, and we also went to the library. Both of us found some good books. Well, she found one. I found about ten. When I'm going to read them, I have no idea. Sundays are pretty boring, so maybe then. We'll see. :)

I don't think anything else interesting happened today. I just am really, really, really missing my friends. I mean, I have friends at school, but I never see them and I don't have classes with them. It makes it really hard to go to classes where you feel completely alone. The only one where I don't is Concert Choir. And every other week I feel welcome in Psychology because my best 4th year Spanish buddy Brookie is in there. Other than that, I just feel lost. But today was a pretty good day. So I'm glad.

Man, it's good to be blogging again. I can't believe I stopped doing it for so long.

aw, crap...

It's 1:09 in the morning. I just remembered something that's happening in 6 hours. *sobs*

So I'm in choir this year. Concert Choir. Yes, I know, it's not the best choir our school's got, but hey, at least Mrs. Mathews let me in last minute. I was so, so, so afraid to audition for A Capella or Chamber Choir, so I just signed up for the one that didn't require any real talent, aka one without auditions. I was too afraid to fail.

Anywho...I really need to stop saying "Yes" to my teacher when she asks me to sing things. Like "The National Anthem". Which I'm doing...today. In 6 hours and about 45 minutes. For announcements at the start of school. I signed up BEFORE I found out that there really are 1,400 students/faculty aka PEOPLE in the building during school hours. And I'll be in the office, singing into the microphone over the intercom while everyone HAS to listen.

Crap.

Any chance of sleep is pretty much gone now. BUT!!! On the plus side, I have an EMR (Early Morning Rehearsal) at 6:45, an hour before I sing. So.............

at least I'll be warmed up.