lack of motivation much?

So it's almost the end of the year, and I haven't posted in almost a month. Reasons?

1. Lack of motivation
2. Too sad to write anything down
3. Too busy
4. Too much Facebook
5. Avoiding writing anything down
6. Basically lack of motivation

Stupid reasons. All true. Woo hoo.

It's been very cold here, and very, very dark. I was so excited for the winter solstice, because that means the days start getting longer. That means more light! But...then it stopped being cloudy and overcast, so less light was being reflected from the clouds...and it just feels darker and darker. Joyness.

Let's cast a little light on the situation by listing some good things that happened. Just for me, but you can join in if you'd like.

1. First ever performance with A Cappella Choir at the library. It was amazing! The percussionists (aka Jason, who pretty much outdoes everyone else) were the best.

2. Hanging out with Zach, Noelle, and Daniel (Zach's little brother).

3. New sneakers (which I really did NOT want to get because then you have to break them in and they feel funny, but my old ones had holes in them [but they were comfy!!] and mom made me get new ones) that are my new favorites. :)

4. Passing my Meteorology and Communications finals (a total miracle-I ended up with an A in Communications and a B in Meteorology).

5. 120% on a math test. O.o My teacher said that's the highest score she's ever given, because I didn't miss a single question and got all of the bonus questions right. Apparently I'm the only one in the class that has raised their grade rather than dropped it this term (yeah, 98% last term to 100% this term...big jump indeed. lol).

6. December Christmas concert with A Cappella, Concert Choir, and Ariosa. The whole thing was a total success (after the concert...not so much. bad night).

7. Thanksgiving at Nana's house was not too bad...boring and no pumpkin pie (wtheck?!). Could have been worse though. At least this year we didn't get forced to watch The Twilight Zone. :P Lol. That was awful!

8. Singing "The Star-Spangled Banner" again for a basketball game. It was a total shock, but they couldn't find anyone else to do it and since I in choir 3rd period, Mrs. Millard asked me to. Apparently I did a great job, because parents of students and the coaches of the other team talked to me about it. Oh, and the boys on the opposing team kept watching me. Awkward, but fun (did I just say that? haha...:P lol).

9. I asked my friend Tyler to Preference! And he said yes. :) The dance is the same day as my birthday!!

10. Seeing Tony at the Christmas concert! It was amazing!

11. Not being ignored by Jason. Finally. :P He's so weird. Lol.

12. Making new friends in choir, aka Deborah (with our twin turtle necklaces) mostly. I love that girl!

13. Quitting my job at the Scout Shop. Good thing, too. I was so done.

14. Making the cut for "West Side Story" dancers! I tried out for everything the Seasons of Love Concert in February, and I'm going to be one of the dancers in the "Amereeca" section of the "West Side Story" number. !!!YAY!!! I'm also a pre-show character. I'll help escort people to their seats and generally make a fool of myself to make people laugh. Terrified about that bit, but...we'll see.

15. Accidentally seeing Mrs. Mathews comment on my "Somebody to Love" audition for the solo. One word, underlined. "WOW." That totally made my life right there. Even though I probably didn't get the part (I didn't check the final list-it wasn't posted when my classes were done and I didn't want to hang around the school for two hours waiting. I just went home and started Christmas break two hours early. :) ), it totally was amazing.

16. Dropping off presents at my Oz buddies' homes. At least the ones who I remembered where they lived. Belen and Jaz, the Ewells, and the Heywoods. Meghan went with me, and we also stopped at Noelle's house and Nana's. Sad part? Zach WAS home, and we didn't know, so we didn't say hi! I felt so bad. Still feel bad about it, actually.

17. Christmas at grandma and grandpa's house. We've never done it before, and the reason we went up was kind of not so good (grandpa was in the hospital last week), but it was really great.

All for now. I have to go get ready for the day. I know...almost 1:00 and I'm not dressed. Haha!

happy?

I've been feeling strangely happy ALL day long. It started last night around 10:30, and it hasn't stopped. It's seriously way weird. There's just this happy, bubbly, giggly feeling that won't leave me alone. It's starting to make me mad.

Lol, not really. But I would like to know WHY I feel so...up. Hm...

...possible reasons...

1. I talked to Jason about what we're dressing up as for Sadie's. Can you say...Avatar? :D More details later on.
2. Two choir classes in one day. Heaven.
3. No homework!
4. Pretty much everything on my day's "To Do" list is crossed off.
5. Wonderful (though if i try hard enough it could be a slightly depressing) dream.
6. Taking pictures of my puppy in the backyard.
7. Taking pictures!
8. Chatting with my little "brother", Jaden, and my amazing friend Joi.
   
9. "Betelehemu" rehearsal in choir with Brad. I love having him direct. He's awesome! He's the one I'm doing a duet with in Ariosa. Guess what it is? "Papagena/o". O.o Can you say difficult?
   
10. Kit Kats.
    

I'm thinking it's the Kit Kats. Haha. Lol!

better days find you...

...when you least expect it...

No, seriously. Today was a good day. Parts of it were hard (understatement-REALLY hard), but not too bad. Music helps. Concert Choir was great-I've made some really good friends in there and some of them have a heck of a lot harder things to deal with than I do. And some of them have the same struggles, so we can all help each other. We never actually say out loud what they are, but it's like you sometimes just know. Just being there for a hug or a smile or a "shame on you" with a twinkle in your eye can make a world of difference. Not to mention Mrs. Mathews is a real support. So is that girl. And Noelle. Only one knows about the whole annoying mess, but the other two care as well and I really appreciate it.

I even had the courage to talk to Jason today (gah! horrors! lol). I have no idea why it is so hard for me to talk to boys. I've noticed that it's hard for me to talk to most people, actually, but boys and adults are the worst-especially adults who I respect and who I don't want to disappoint.

I think another great thing was talking to my dad. He's gone a lot for work, so I called him up just because I was lonely, mom was in a bad mood, and I couldn't talk to my sisters about what was bugging me. I didn't really tell him what's been up, but it was really nice to tell him about school and the family here at home.

The weather was amazing today. It was bright and happy and cheerful and warm! That was so amazing. And Jason told me that I have amazing eyes. When I was talking to him in the hall, he kept staring at me. Finally he asked me what I did differently today. I was honest; I put on mascara and a little bit of eye shadow just for fun. He said it looked amazing-"not that you don't always have amazing eyes, but the make-up really brings them out. And you don't need the make-up, you just look...gah. I'm really awful at this, aren't I?" I found it cute and funny. I guess I'm not the only one who struggles talking to some people. Baha.

"Sing Noel" choir practice tonight was pretty good. There are a couple of sopranos who really get on my nerves because they think they're SO good but really, well, aren't. It's really annoying to me that I'll be doing the right notes and the right tempo and the right page but I get blamed for the mistakes because I'm the youngest. One of the ladies tonight was like, "Oh, I think our little first is struggling." Um, no. I doubt I'm the one struggling.

But enough about that. I don't want to be upset right now. Other than that it was amazing. Our director, who is a long time friend of my family (i've been singing with her since i was 7) told me that she loves my voice and to keep singing high, because "you have one of the most beautiful true soprano voices I've ever had the opportunity to hear." From her, that is a HUGE compliment. I told her about my new Ariosa solo ensemble assignments. "Sebben crudele" isn't the one I'm doing anymore. I've been assigned two solos and one duet. And I'm freaking terrified. I'll tell you what they are tomorrow, as soon as I'm sure that Mrs. Mathews is serious. Starla, our director, said that it's because my teacher has confidence in me and because she wants to push me to progress. I sure hope so. Though I do doubt that my teacher would set me up for failure on purpose.

All in all today has been better. Hooray for that. :)

frazzled...

All right. Whoever said learning music was easy lied to me. Italian is hard. Spanish is hard. Nigerian is hard. Latin is hard. German is hard. Let's just throw in some Mandarin Chinese to top it off. Oh, AND get all of the notes right. And sing with the "chuh and the buh and the kuh" *punch* *punch* *punch* (diaphragm) instead of the "laaaaaaaah" *tilt head* (throat). No pop sounds for me; classical! Classical! It's harder than it looks. *sigh*

I'm actually having a great time in all of these new classes. Still, I find myself panicking about all of the different pronunciations and styles of music. Take, for example, the aria I have to sing for Solo Ensembles. All by myself, mind you (I found out today that you have to do that for Ariosa). It's in Italian. The pronunciation isn't too difficult-I just have to remember the silent "g" in "voglio" and "che" is something like "key". Then there's the listening practice (Mrs. Mathews suggested Kathleen Battle or someone like that first, because I have "a light voice") and the 20 minutes a day vocal practice. Then there's the A Cappella music for Christmas and the ACDA Tour to Arizona. Then there's Concert Choir Christmas music, which isn't difficult at all but takes memorizing.

I'll be honest-I am really nervous and frustrated with all of this because it's brand new. After all, I just finished a whole term in school and got used to the schedule. Now it's all mixed up again. BUT despite this, I am freaking LOVING it at the same time. So it's all good, really. Yay.

Speaking of learning things, my sister Meg had an orchestra concert tonight. Let's say that it wasn't completely torturous. The junior high has a new teacher this year, and she's all right, I guess. She teaches at a much, much, MUCH slower pace than the previous two teachers have (i swear the job is cursed; it's like the Defense Against the Dark Arts post in Harry Potter-no teacher lasts more than a year [this is the fourth in four years]), and they're not terrible but not great. She seems to be a good teacher for technique, but doesn't spend a lot of time on performance pieces. Oh, well. I hope Meg's getting something out of it.

Blasted tired. EMR tomorrow morning. Dog is fed, so am I, and my costume is ready in the living room. Homework is all done (i hope) and a choir concert tomorrow for my friend. Pay day tomorrow, too. Dad comes home from his work trip, and I get to talk to the school administration about sitting in on a Collaboration Meeting (teacher stuff) for a Communications assignment. Life is good.

Peace out.



Lol.

what i did today...

I hardly even remember. Let's see...a list perhaps.

• First time ever getting anything less than an "A" in Seminary. I should probably actually GO this term, instead of sleeping in. I hate not being able to sleep. It messes up my whole schedule.
• I've been adopted as an unofficial assistant choir librarian for A Cappella. I like to help; it's fun.
• I have to sing alto on "Worship the King" with Concert Choir instead of 1st Soprano with A Cappella. Rats. No high notes for me.
• IQ test results from Jackman's class-161. I'm told that's good?
• Almost talked to Jason, but kind of sort of ran away without running. I'm so bad at this whole thing.
• Sadie's group is getting HUGE beyond all reason. I really need to learn to say no to people. I can't though. :P
• After school NHS activity was way fun, even though the only thing I did was paint people's faces/hands and have my face painted. Blue swirlies and glitter! Woot!
  
• Bought gas for the car today because I figured it was time to stop ignoring the "Empty" light.
• Made some new friends at the bank. The tellers there are really nice; I see them about every two weeks. I can't remember their names. There are three of them, two blonde and one dark. One guy doesn't talk very much, but has a nice smile. Another talks a lot about everything and has a great laugh, and the last guy always talks to me about school and what I want to do when I get older. I like them. None of the girl tellers talk to me though. It's kind of weird.
  
• Bought a birthday present for Zach. I know it's late, but I had to wait for my pay check. It's from me and my sisters. I think it's pretty much amazing, and it's something he mentioned wanting to get someday. Can you say fedora? :D
• Talked to above person for awhile. I get to see him perform on Friday night with BYU's Young Ambassadors. I'm so excited for him!
  
• Started filling out BYU application. Ugh.
• Watched Field of Dreams with my family. Weird movie.

That's all. Nothing super eventful, but the day as it was.

20 ?s x 2...

I missed the 6th of this month for 20 questions. So...I'm doing the both tonight at the same time. Tee hee.

1. Name one song that reminds you of an ex?
Mine? I don't have any of those. Not even one. So I'll just make something up. I guess I'd say "Picture to Burn" by Taylor Swift. That's about an ex. Haha.

2. Where was your default picture taken?
I didn't take the default picture. Blogspot made it.

3. What's your middle name?
Buttons. :D

4. Honestly, does your crush like you back?
Um...no. I'm pretty sure he does not.

5. What is your current mood?
Depressed.

6. What color underwear are you wearing?
Uh...white.

7. Who can always make you smile?
Zach, Shelby, and Tony. And Misty.

8. What makes you happy?
Long phone conversations, emails that actually mean something, doing my best and knowing it was good enough, singing, Taylor Swift songs, sleeping in. Definitely sleeping in.

9. If you could go back in time, and change something what would you change?
A lot of things, I think. Especially concerning choir.

10. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day, what would you be?
A bear. Then I could sleep all day.

11. Ever had a near death experience?
I think so. I don't really remember it.

12. Something you do a lot?
Facebook, blog, homework, sit around thinking, singing.

13. What's the name of the song stuck in your head right now?
"Cold As You" by Taylor Swift. I found my CD today. :D

14. What was the last thing you ate?
Dinner: chicken noodle soup, PB and J sandwich, and cantaloupe. Strange combo, now that I think about it.

15. Name someone with the same b-day as you?
I have no idea. I know that Sarah is right before and Tony is right after, and Clark is right after too. But on the same day? *shrug*

16. When was the last time you cried?
At the stop light in the car today.

17. Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
Several times. The most recent? Today. It was the MVHS Fall Choir Concert. Woot. Pretty much amazing.

18. If you could have one super power what would it be?
Invisibility or being able to heal people.

19. First thing you notice about the opposite/same sex?
Opposite? Eyes, and the way it feels being around them. Same? This is going to sound way superficial, but probably hair and outfit, and whether or not they look lonely. I'm horrible, aren't I? :P

20. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
A cookie.

21. What's your biggest secret?
I'm not telling you! Duh.

22. Favorite color?
Light blue, light pink, green, and yellow. I know, whatever happened to black and red? Well, they got old 'n busted, that's what happened. Lol. Actually, I just added the other four to the black and red.

23. When was the last time you lied?
I...today. Someone asked me how I was doing.

24. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
Heck yes!

25. What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
Nada.

26. Do you speak any other language?
Baha! No! I'm horrible at it.

27. What's your favorite smell?
Tee hee. Books and coffee. Basically Barnes & Noble. :)

28. If you could describe your life in one word what would it be?
Unique

29. When was the last time you gave/received a hug?
Today. By Jason. He's been doing that a lot lately. Pretty much every time he sees me.

30. Have you ever been kissed in the rain?
No. Sounds nice though. But not now! Lol.

31. What are you thinking about right now?
What a kiss is like. Sorry, question 30 on the brain.

32. What should you be doing?
Worksheet 3.4 for my math class. But I'm not because I hate it.

33. What was the last thing that made you upset/angry?
I don't really know. It wasn't anything to get angry over. I just did.

34. Do you like working in the yard?
Only when it's not too hot and not too cold. So pretty much never. Lol.

35. If you could have any last name in the world, what would you want?
I ain't telling.

36. Do you act differently around your crush?
No, not really. I think I'm more, well, I dunno. Shy but happy at the same time.

37. Are you currently mad at someone?
I'm mad at the idea of someone, but I've never actually met the person.

38. Which family member has the worst temper?
My mom.

39. Have you ever thrown something at anyone's face?
Haha. Yeah.

40. Does your face turn red when you're angry?
I don't know. I can't see it.

41. When you're mad, do you prefer to keep to it yourself?
Depends on who I am mad at.

42. Has anyone ever thrown a surprise party for you?
Yes! Suzzy, Roshini, Channing, Riley, and Mariah. I think it was in 9th grade.

43. If you won a million $'s what would be your first thought?
College! Yes! Tithing, of course. Then, presents for my friends and family. Yay! Then fix up the house, fix the car, and crap, taxes. Then deposit what's left into the bank, except for a check for a friend who I want to come visit me. And another check for a friend to go on a trip to Europe. See? Covered all my bases. School, church, government, family, and friends. Sweet.

44. If you could have anything right now, what would it be?
Anything? Graduation, aka out of high school.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The choir concert was pretty much amazing. A Cappella was FABULOUS, Chamber Choir was AWESOME, Men's Choir was GRAND, Ladies' Symphonic Voices was TERRIFIC, Ariosa was WONDERFUL. Concert Choir-I dunnno. That's the choir I'm in so I can't actually hear what we sound like because I'm on the stage. In a way I'm glad it's over, but sad at the same time.

I feel awful. Just really down. Stupid-so many good things going on. And though I try to focus on that, it DOES NOT WORK.

I think I'm going to go to bed now.

sing, sing, sing...

I sang for over 3 hours today. Wowza. That's a lot of singing. I woke up and went to Communications (which is absolutely ridiculous-loathe that class pretty much) and sat for over an hour itching to get to choir. The teacher FINALLY dismissed us and *zoom* off I went.

I'm starting to get nervous about the concert tomorrow. What if I screw up? What if I forget that I have a solo part? What if the mic isn't turned on? What if the mic IS turned on? What if my voice cracks? What if...what if...what if...

Anyway, we rehearsed on the stage during our class today, and then I went home and sang for another hour to keep warm for the after school rehearsal. I had to go in my Scout uniform, because I would be leaving the rehearsal and going straight to work. I got a few interesting comments about it, such as, "Oh, goodness! You are the only girl I've ever seen who looks fantastic in a Scout uniform!" and "Oh, PRECIOUS!!! Are you a Den Mother?" and "I want those pants." Those were all from girls. The guys were like, "Um...are you a Boy Scout?" No, stupid, I'm not a BOY scout. Duh. Haha.

Work was actually not so bad today. Andrea, the newest girl, is really nice. She's become one of my good friends. I wish we actually went to school together. I don't know what the deal is with me making good friends and not going to school with any of them. They all live 20 minutes from my house in some direction or another. Ugh. I feel so lonely.

Some good things:

• Saw and actually spoke with Jason. I have a date with him in a few weeks, and ever since I asked him I've been terrified to talk to him again. He complimented me on my performance yesterday morning and said he was so excited because, "I was like, dude! That girl singing? That's my date! Not yours, MINE! Ha!" *blush*
• Mr. Fieldstead, our school Student Council adviser, said that I was the best soloist for "The National Anthem" that he's heard in 10 years. He is extremely critical of singers and has been asking the principal to stop allowing students to sing it for the past three years. *blush* My friend Arielle told me to be watching for Mr. Fieldstead. Good thing, bad thing, I dunno.
• Sarah, my Algebra 2 buddy (soon to be ex-Algebra 2 buddy; turns out she didn't need the credit so she's ditching me. *sniff* I have no friends in that class now. And really, I've tried to make some.), said she's pretty sure the drama teacher is kicking himself for not casting me and she's going to help me prepare for the "Nunsense" auditions in December. Sarah is really good at monologue selections, which I am not. Huge relief right there.
• I seriously got compliments on yesterday ALL day today. It was weird, and so embarrassing. But it was good, too, because at least it didn't suck.
• Yummy dinner that mom made.
• Being told I look good in a Scout uniform was a good thing. I've seriously been paranoid about it for the longest time. Yay.
  

Finally got up the courage to go to Jason's house (my November Sadie Hawkins date, which is in three weeks) and deliver the brownies my mom and I made yesterday. I only did it because I knew he wasn't going to be home. Ha. Coward. Meghan went with me, and we also went to the library. Both of us found some good books. Well, she found one. I found about ten. When I'm going to read them, I have no idea. Sundays are pretty boring, so maybe then. We'll see. :)

I don't think anything else interesting happened today. I just am really, really, really missing my friends. I mean, I have friends at school, but I never see them and I don't have classes with them. It makes it really hard to go to classes where you feel completely alone. The only one where I don't is Concert Choir. And every other week I feel welcome in Psychology because my best 4th year Spanish buddy Brookie is in there. Other than that, I just feel lost. But today was a pretty good day. So I'm glad.

Man, it's good to be blogging again. I can't believe I stopped doing it for so long.

worry wart...

Okay, okay. So it wasn't THAT bad. I was terrified to be true, and I could feel my voice shaking (not to mention the rest of me). I think it would have been easier if two rather accomplished singers hadn't been in the office with me. Principal Clark was there, too, so that was very scary. I've never been in the principal's office during my three years at Mountain View. Two new experiences at the same time.

I think it was all right. One of my friends told me that it was fabulous and gorgeous. The band kids loved it. A good friend of mine said it was very good, and she was glad because I stayed in the same key the whole time. Apparently I'm the first soloist to do that this school year. Haha. I actually tried to sing it in two different keys this evening. Um...I found it impossible. I just cannot do it.

I was really glad that I had an EMR today. It really helped; I was warmed up enough to hit the notes clearly. Not to mention the rehearsal was fun. Only 12 of the 30 kids showed up. I think we should kick the rest of them out because we sounded a LOT better with only the 12 there. Adding the other 18 really makes it...well...you know. We don't sound as good.

I'm kind of excited for our choir concert on Wednesday, though. Because we're singing a medley of songs from the movie Nightmare Before Christmas, we're allowed to wear a hat/scarf/gloves or some other thing to dress up for Halloween. Mrs. Mathews said that since I have a solo (it's like, 4 measures and pretty much a speaking line [but I get to act like a freaky hiding-under-your-bed thing! woot!]) I can wear my black costume that I wore to the Halloween dance with Zach and Meghan on Saturday night, because it is black, and the purple will be a cool accent. Woot! I don't have to be boring! Haha.

The rest of the day was pretty lame. I was exhausted all day from the EMR and from staying up most of the night being afraid. Oh, but funny moment. This morning when I was driving to school, in the dark, by myself, I was sitting at a stop light and praying for it to turn green faster so that I wouldn't have to keep sitting in the empty street. Suddenly, out of nowhere, came a HUGE white flash and then a GIGANTIC, DRAWN OUT, ROARING thunder clap.

Pretty much the highest scream I've ever given since age 5. Holy cow, I was so freaked out! Then it happened again at a second stop light, and I was about ready to fall to pieces. Can you tell I don't like thunderstorms much? I don't know why they scare me so badly. They just do. So that was the funny/embarrassing moment that I share with you today. :)

I ate a hurried breakfast in Seminary, because I know I'm not supposed to eat in there but I was starving and could feel myself fading. Then I fell asleep in Psychology. I got thoroughly frustrated with the Algebra 2 concept we were supposed to be learning today and threw my book on the floor. A friend of mine told me I should carry a hair brush because mine is so unmanageable, which was not what I needed to hear today. I tripped going out to the car, and almost got hit twice going to Wal-Mart. It wasn't until I was looking for a shorter line that the day brightened a little bit. I only had two items, and it seemed like every person had a cart full to the brim with stuff, and there were only eight checkers open.

I was starting to get frustrated and near tears (stupid) because I needed to get home to let my dog outside and take her on the walk I'd promised, there was a huge laundry job waiting for me that I wanted to get done for my mom, my room was a mess, I hadn't finished the Algebra 2 homework in class because it's freaking retarded, I was plain exhausted, and I kept accidentally thinking about someone and how much I miss him. Withdrawals! (see? stupid!) Then a man asked me if I only had the two items. He was in line with a cart full of stuff, and two men behind him with the same. All three of them let me go ahead of them. Gosh, I was so grateful. It was amazing.

When I got home, Misty and I headed outside for some Vitamin D time and exercise. Then the laundry. I didn't get to the homework-I fell asleep on the couch while I was waiting for my mom to come downstairs for FHE (Family Home Evening). Oops. The thing is, I'm still exhausted. *sigh*

I think that's all I have to say today. Thanks to Margaret for her goddess that she researched for me. You can read about it here at Finnegan Begin Again.

aw, crap...

It's 1:09 in the morning. I just remembered something that's happening in 6 hours. *sobs*

So I'm in choir this year. Concert Choir. Yes, I know, it's not the best choir our school's got, but hey, at least Mrs. Mathews let me in last minute. I was so, so, so afraid to audition for A Capella or Chamber Choir, so I just signed up for the one that didn't require any real talent, aka one without auditions. I was too afraid to fail.

Anywho...I really need to stop saying "Yes" to my teacher when she asks me to sing things. Like "The National Anthem". Which I'm doing...today. In 6 hours and about 45 minutes. For announcements at the start of school. I signed up BEFORE I found out that there really are 1,400 students/faculty aka PEOPLE in the building during school hours. And I'll be in the office, singing into the microphone over the intercom while everyone HAS to listen.

Crap.

Any chance of sleep is pretty much gone now. BUT!!! On the plus side, I have an EMR (Early Morning Rehearsal) at 6:45, an hour before I sing. So.............

at least I'll be warmed up.