can I have his number?

I got a text message from an old high school buddy, in which he asked me if I was still dating someone. I told him no, which is true. After the courtesy that's-too-bad-I'm-sorry, he texted me again.

Because this guy is handsome, intelligent, and a good friend, I somehow anticipated that he was going to ask me out. But instead, he asked me if my ex's brother is dating anyone, to which I said no, because he isn't. And then...

He asked me for the brother's number.

I'm sure stranger things have happened.

so sad...

Today has been kind of a sad day. I woke up feeling like little pieces of glass had been wedged into my heart and were moving slowly through my veins -- kid you not, it's a real feeling. Your whole body hurts and shakes, and it's worst in your chest, like something has shattered -- and the little shattered bits are radiating out through your arms and legs and toes and fingers. Even your ears hurt.

Because it was such a sad morning, I was grateful for my friend Thomas. He took me to brunch at Denny's, because there was Hobbit food on the menu (and because he said he misses me, and that it's stupid that we're so busy with school). What better than Hobbit food to make you smile? It was such a laugh, the whole time -- I've know him for over a year, but there are so many things I've learned about him since we started spending time together this semester. He's probably one of the most talented, sincere people I've met in my life. I don't think he's afraid of anything. Visiting and laughing with him made some of the blues go away for a little while, for which I was happy. He took me to a dance concert at the college afterwards, and we had a good time watching all of the talented people perform.

Coming home, the sad aches began again. I tried doing homework, and couldn't focus. I tried writing for work, but no words made sense. I tried cleaning, organizing, even sleeping -- nothing.

Finally, I gave up. I went to Target and bought my favorite frozen pizza and some peanut butter cup ice cream. I bought season 7 of Psych through Amazon.com, threw on some sweats, let down my hair, got a plate of pizza, and pulled out my new shimmery, light pink nail polish. And I've been sitting at my computer since 7:45 this evening, watching ridiculous episodes and making my nails look pretty.

I feel a little better. The sad aches are still there, but they're a bit numbed now. I've got good memories of breakfast with Thomas, new funny lines to quote from Shawn and Gus, and pretty fingers.

Part of my brain is yelling at me for wasting the weekend, doing no homework and getting no work assignments completed. Another part of my brain is smiling.

Hopefully my heart will start smiling more, too.

overwhelmed...

Wednesday was like almost any other Wednesday. Except for one thing: while I was attempting to butter some French bread, I found myself slumped against the counter with no recollection of the few seconds before I fell.

The pain has been bad this week.

Thursday was much like Wednesday, minus the French bread and the passing out. The physical and emotional pain peaked. I was scared, angry, tired, and alone -- alone in the sense that I was stuck in my body and mind, and trying to get out was too exhausting.

And then, I was asked out on a date. Not just any normal run-of-the-mill homework date, which has become the standard due to our heavy workloads, but a real one. Where he called me up and issued a formal invitation; I put on a skirt, blouse, and heels, and he wore slacks with a tie; he picked me up at 7:30; I wasn't allowed to open any doors at all (usually he opens the car door for me to get inside, and I let myself out because I'm silly that way); he took me to Mimi's Cafe; and we talked for hours. And not just all of that-- he came to my door in my favorite green shirt and the jacket I got him for his birthday, holding a white rose tinged with brilliant red, a box of all dark chocolates, and strawberries with chocolate syrup for later on (our new favorite treat because we can't afford real chocolate covered strawberries, nor do we have time to make them).

A day later, I still can't entirely comprehend it all. That someone would go so out of his way for me -- to get off work, to wear the clothes I like so much, to bring gifts that mean a lot to me, and to take me somewhere so nice -- even in the face of missing valuable homework time. Because he knew I was hurting, and that things had been hard. Because he wanted to make me smile.

What's even more amazing to me is that this isn't the first time this has happened.

It's overwhelming in the best way.

where we're going...

I've had a lot to think about lately.

I'm definitely a planner. I plan my days almost to the minute, working out every detail as I get ready for bed and making sure I'll be where I need to be at least ten minutes in advance. I practice schedules until they're timed perfectly -- for example, my Wednesdays are planned for the rest of the semester. After this morning I know that washing one load of laundry takes exactly 27 minutes, meaning that if I wake up an hour and 15 minutes before I need to leave for school, I can get one load done while I get ready, put it in the dryer, and have a second in the washer before heading off to school. I won't be late for class, nor will I run out of time to do chores, homework, and make dinner (Wednesday is my dinner night and my laundry day -- I added my other chores so I can get them all done in one afternoon).

I think about this and wonder -- if I'm more than a planner; if I am, in fact, a control freak. To have days planned to the minute?

When I think about not having a plan, though...I get anxious. It's why I've been feeling so much anxiety about the coming year. It's no longer if I graduate next year... but WHEN I graduate next year... and all that entails. I don't even know if I'll be accepted to a college that starts in the fall -- most of them begin each January, which means 7 months of doing who knows what while I wait for school to start. Honestly, I don't even know which school I should try and get into -- I don't know what's right.

And what happens if I somehow end up married in the next year? Or if not -- keep dating, or suffer another heartbreak? I've always heard people say that you never marry the first person you date. Well...one called off engagement and two break-ups later, and we're still making everything work. In fact, it's better than it's ever been. Now people tell me that it's unlikely that we'll not get married. I can't help but wonder, though. I can't help but wonder if he'll stay. Or if I should stay. I know that I want to -- I don't want to be anywhere else. I just wonder if it's right.

What if, what if, what if. I know it doesn't help anything to wonder about things I can't control. It's hard not to wonder -- everything has gotten complicated and grown up in so little time. Peter Pan would be disappointed in me. Luckily for me, Peter Pan was never on my list of "People I will Emulate." No, I've always wanted to be like Clara Barton, or Louisa May Alcott, or George Washington. People who did things. Grown up things.

I wish someone had told my child self to slow down, to not be in such a hurry to grow up. But that begs the question, would I have listened?

No. No...I don't think I would.

pioneers mean more carnivals...

Given that I've been to two carnivals already this summer, it's no surprise that I jumped at the chance to attend a third. Pioneer Day in Utah means more festivities and fireworks -- how could I miss it? I truly love carnivals and fairs and festivals -- so much to look at, so much to do, and so many people to watch. So much life!




And so many dreams came true...as in I can cross them off my bucket list:



1. Go to a carnival or street fair with a special someone - check. I was lucky enough to go with my best girl and most wonderful housemate you could ask for, and my best man.

2. Receive a surprise gift while there because said special someone was paying attention to what I was looking at - check. Yeah - Adam was watching me window shop and noticed me lingering on a set of earrings. And he bought them for me. Aw.

3. Have a special someone win a prize - this wasn't always a bucket list item because I do not trust any games whatsoever, but because he won - check. We named her Zelda.




4. Take silly pictures and wear funny headgear - check. We were celebrating the baby prince in our princess garb and jewelry. Just, you know. Because we can.

5. Watch fireworks while holding hands with a special someone - check.

 

chalk the block...

Because when you live where I do, you can't just chalk the sidewalk. Seeing as there is no sidewalk, it's nearly impossible. And, seeing as there are yards and yards of smooth, warm, black asphalt just itching to be colored pinks and greens and blues, well. Confining my chalking space to just in front of my garage was not gonna happen. And what better way to spend a beautiful spring day than with a box of sidewalk chalk and your best friend?

You may remember when I wrote about playing this game with Parker in Idaho. It's a game you can't play by yourself, so I invited Adam to try his hand at chalking (we've been seeing an awful lot of each other for being broken up -- not gonna lie, it's been weird, but I'd rather see him than not). Here are some of our favorite drawings.

My favorite of Adam's 

Cave painting, anyone? 

NASA spaceship and -- yep -- Alice in Wonderland caterpillar

"Take a look, it's in a book, a reading rainbow!" 

yes -- because whenever I play this game, a penguin will show up somewhere 

no, it's not Gulliver and the Lilliputians -- but he is in no man's land between two warring armies 

PUPPY! 

he's dancin' with his princess

see all that chalk behind us? mission chalk the block accomplished.

Oh, and by the way -- we're dating again.

bunnies need a home, too...

Adam and I go grocery shopping together now. It was his idea -- he decided that because he eats so often at my house that he should share the costs. That was a huge relief for me, seeing as things are quite tight for me financially. Our last trip was the weekend before Easter. We went to the grand old land of Winco, and my sweet boy's sweet tooth got the better of him -- and so did my sense of fun and nostalgia. After all, we did officially meet at a gingerbread house making party a few weeks before Christmas. So it only made sense...

Yes. We bought a bunny house kit. You know, like a gingerbread house kit, but for bunnies. And we had a little help from Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli, too.

bunnies!

Adam's roof work

bunny lovin' 

Finished! Except for Adam's bunny -- which got eaten by Kala. 

Hoppy Easter!

fish-ay, fish-ay...

One of my most proud moments in my life was when I conquered my fear of shoulder-deep water and the possible loss of fingers to sharks and stingrays at the Living Planet Aquarium touch pool. Ever since that day a few years ago, I wanted to go back and visit the little swimming critters.

What's one of the best things about being in a serious dating relationship? You always have someone who is willing to go with you to the random places you find. Like on Saturday.

I feel like we should look more scared right now.

Ermergersh, ERTTERS! Or otters -- probably the best part of the entire aquarium (besides petting the stingray). 

Somethin's fishy... 

Yup! Fishy...sneaky!

me with my stingray buddy (we had a nice conversation) and Adam with his shark friend

Yup. He's adorable. Not to mention he bought me a stuffed otter toy -- we named her Chloe. 

So much fun. I love, love aquariums. I think part of it is because I'm so fascinated with ocean creatures, but I'm terrified of the actual ocean. As in won't go in the water above my ankles terrified. But everything in the ocean? Awesome. As long as I'm not in there with them, I mean.

Aw. That boy. Otter-ly adorable.

all wrapped up...

Adam (yes -- he does have a name) and I had quite the adventure on Saturday. We visited the Mummies of the World exhibit at the Leonardo Museum in Salt Lake City. While it was educational and interesting, I felt that the exhibit designers had leaned a bit on the theatrical side of presentation, rather than focusing on the informational and historical elements of the collection.

I'm very grateful that I've found someone who will allow me to muse about the moral and ethical dilemmas that I find when I visit museums and explore the exhibitions (seeing as it is what I intend to study when I go to graduate school). There is a large debate on the proper handling and displaying of human remains. As I walked through and observed the Mummies of the World exhibition, I was concerned at the way the exhibit designers emphasized the dramatics and mystery of studying mummies. The dim lighting is understandable, as certain light frequencies can damage the delicate remains. What I noticed was the combination of the lighting, the music, and the use of shroud-like fabric to separate the segments of the collection.

It was quite tomb-like. There was a certain creepiness to the atmosphere -- starting with the narration of the introductory video all the way through the end. Yes, there is mystery to mummies, and a certain morbid curiosity which I admittedly possess. But the emphasis on it was too much for me. 

Some of the mummies they showed were also quite iffy to me -- particularly the mummies of the human fetuses. I felt that some of the mummies were displayed less for educational purposes and more for spectacle or shock factor. A couple of times I found myself wondering how the person who inhabited the body on display feels about the handling and exhibition. I believe in post-mortal existence, as I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It concerned me that the manner of display was not respectful enough, that it was all for show and dramatics, rather than in the interest of preserving the life and peoples of the past.

I was also frustrated with some of the language of the exhibit, which stated absolutes and information that we supposedly "know" and can derive completely, questions we can answer with certainty. Sometimes the language was not prescriptive; there were instances when the language was ambiguous, phrases like "this may have" and "it is possible." Those are perfect -- it is what museums in general strive for. What is not perfect is stating a fact about something that we cannot possibly know. We cannot presume to interpret meanings from things we really have no idea about. Interpretation is not the focus of current academia. 

There are multiple debates going on regarding these issues, including the Native American tribes and the display of those remains and interpretation of artifacts. The same debates are occurring with mummies and other things.

Poor, dear boy -- I think he's getting a better taste of what he's headed in to. But after Saturday, he still seems to love me quite a bit. A bit more than I realized, I think. 

I love that man. So very much. How could I not, when he takes me to museums on his free days, treats me to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch, lets me wax philosophical about the moral concerns in my field of study, harmonizes at the table while holding my hands and looking into my eyes, lets me wear his awesome leather jacket, puts up with my outbursts of silliness and OCD-ness at Pixel PlayLand, holds me close to him during church, sits with me when the pain becomes too much, and invites my family to dinner with us so he can get to know them better?

He was very involved in the circuitry boards -- he likes the kind of stuff. 

How can I not love him? I submit that it is quite impossible.

pardon my French...

Okay, I'm going to be straight up honest in sharing these thoughts. Forgive me, but I'm freaking out.

What the hell am I doing?

Seriously. What am I doing? I cannot afford to get involved with a guy again. I cannot afford any more male "best friends" who turn out to be painful lessons that take months (or in some cases, years and therapy) to get over (abuse sucks, just saying).

I like him. I like him. But I keep seeing these little red flags that are bred from a frightened mind remembering the past, and I can't get away from them. Memories and moments crop up out of nowhere -- I duck or flinch or, when feeling most vulnerable, cry "Don't touch me!" and proceed to pass out the second I stand up.

Yes. That did happen.

I catch myself thinking "he's just like everyone else," "all men are the same," "it'll never be different." I keep expecting something awful to happen. I keep waiting to be hurt.

He isn't like that. He is not the past. He is not those other guys. He's good and kind and honest and sweet. And as Chelsea said, "If you set him up for failure, he'll fail from the start, no matter what he does."

Every day, I keep trying. Keep being friends, keep saying hello, keep playing and hugging. And yes, let him hold me when there's a chance for it -- I like it. Because he's different. He is not the past, and neither am I.

Still I ask myself, over and over again, what am I doing?

spill it...

It came out of nowhere.

One day we were just holding hands and stuff, becoming friends, goofing off, and the next, I'm spilling some of my deepest secrets. What's crazier is that he spilled first. When it was my turn, he didn't judge or even give advice. He let me talk, and when I cried, he held me close and told me that everything will be okay.

I didn't intend to tell him anything. It just sort of happened.

By the way, our first date (Friday) was loads of fun. He took me to see The Hobbit, as when I mentioned I hadn't seen it, he was horrified. Dinner at Macaroni Grill (which I've only ever heard about), a walk through the Christmas lights at the Riverwoods shops, and coloring Captain America in my Avengers coloring book followed.

He's the sweetest guy ever.

The spillage took place last night. I got home from my parents' house to find an unexpected visitor sitting on the couch with Chelsea and Jeff. The four of us went to Applebee's for a last hurrah before school starts (bug). He paid for me -- I was too tired to fight him and the waiter at the same time.

He stayed late, letting me talk about things, just listening. I feel so much lighter, like I was carrying something heavy, and the weight is gone. I feel so much safer, even comfortable.

I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have a friend like him. No matter how this goes, I'm lucky.

who would've thought...

I have a reputation for being against all the things boys and girls do when they like each other (or just being against liking anyone in general). I also have a reputation for saying things like, "dating is stupid," "I will never be in a relationship," "no more boys for friends," and the like. Just two weeks ago, multiple declarations in favor of independence and vehement protestations against dating and friendships with men were the norm.

I have a right to change my mind, don't I?

Who would have guessed that me, scaredy-cat Georgie, would actually like spending time with a guy? Would actually reciprocate affection? Would look forward to seeing someone, rather than dread it? Sure, we don't know each other super well yet, but who cares? That's the point of dating!

Honestly, though. Who would have thought? Not me, for sure.

Welcome, 2013. Let's see how this thing goes.

dirty is just dirt with a "y" on the end...

Yesterday my family and I began the four hour drive to my grandparents' house in northeastern Utah, the majestic Flaming Gorge. No, they don't actually live at the reservoir, but they live a few miles away, in a little (tiny) community called Flaming Gorge Pines. They're about an hour north of Vernal, if that helps you orient yourself. Not very many people know about the Pines.

Due to an unhappy accident, the people who we asked to take care of the dogs at my parents' house didn't get a house key that works. And so, 2 hours after we'd arrived in the Pines, my dad and I volunteered to make the four hour trip back down to Orem to save the puppies.

While we were driving home, I mentioned some things that have been on my mind in an off-hand, nonchalant sort of way -- mostly about that one guy we call Aries and all of the trouble I've been having. Dad didn't say much, just told me that I shouldn't worry about another guy being like that because I learned and I won't let anyone treat me badly again. Then we got on the subject of other people's problems again, and I stopped talking, listening for the next two hours.

This morning on our way back up to the Pines (which only took 3 hours and 15 minutes this time), dad brought Aries up. Just out of nowhere, he started talking about the whole thing and then told me that maybe the only way I can get over it is by talking about it, "from start to finish, talk it through."

I nodded and went back to looking out the window. Dad touched my shoulder and said, "You can talk right now, if you'd like."

My whole self shut down. Really, I was overcome with a feeling of utter shame and embarrassment. All thoughts flew from my brain and I had no words. I almost felt like I was five-years-old again, caught covered from head to toe in black, sticky mud -- a dirty little child. But mud is fun, until you get in trouble. Aries wasn't fun. And even though things weren't entirely my fault, and nothing really bad happened, being asked about it by my dad was horrible.

I don't know why. Usually I can tell my dad everything, and it doesn't matter. Maybe because lately most people tell me not to talk about it, and I've gotten so used to just pretending that it doesn't bother me.

I don't know what to say. I don't know how to talk about this -- I don't even want to go through it from "start to finish."

Once again, as soon as someone asks me to tell them things, is willing to let me just talk, I have nothing to say. After this morning, I almost never want to discuss it again.

I don't like feeling so bad. Especially when things weren't completely my fault.

"um...what was that about eating your dust?"

My friend Roland called me up the other day and asked me if I would like to go race go-karts with him. Seeing as I am still the little girl who (while forever in love with all things princess and fairy tales) has a secret dream to be a race car driver, saying no made absolutely no sense to me. Especially after Roland replied to my exclamation of "I'm excited!" by saying, "Yeah, me too -- especially when I get to see you eat my dust!"

Oh. Oh no, he DI-int! Z-formation finger snap with a sassy head shake, I replied, "Uh...s'cuse me, but I believe you will be eating MY dust."

And it was on. The great race took place last night, and -- well. See for yourself.

Yes -- I know the spelling is rather sad (I mean, look at my name -- never seen anyone get that creative before).
But it's the numbers that are important! Particularly that little "1" right there. Importante, amigos.

WASTED him. By a whole half of a lap.

Yeah. That's right.

By no means was it easy. He got ahead of me in the first lap, and it took me two more to catch up and get myself around him. But I figured it out, and it was glorious.

Best part about it wasn't that I won, but that Roland didn't say anything like, "I had to let you win because you're a girl" or "you only won because you weigh less." I can honestly say that while racing around the track I started wondering if I should let him win. Often times I hesitate to compete with guys because I get responses like the ones I mentioned. Which I hate -- I often feel second class and like my skill in the game wasn't really skill in the eyes of the guy I was competing with. That I was less than him from the start, you know?

Not so with Roland. He was totally cool with it -- and his response was so great that I didn't even laugh until five seconds after he said it because I had to process the fact that he wasn't upset that I'd won.

"Well. If I ever find myself in need of a getaway driver, I know exactly who to call."

Um...win much? Yeah -- he impressed me. And we also had a hilarious conversation about what would happen if he actually did need me to be a getaway driver, where I ended up being faster than the Jimmy John's Sandwich man.

Yup. Good time.

lately...

...thinking...
...I think I'm a little too honest sometimes. There are more things I should keep to myself, particularly opinions. Either that or I should say them in a different way.
...knowing what you should do and wanting to do it are not the same thing at all.
...it is very hard for me to imagine being married...no parents (because you're the parent), no friends (not all the time), just you and your spouse making all of the decisions, all of the purchases, all of the plans, all of the actions that are necessary for a successful family. I can imagine me doing those things by myself, but throw in a man and my brain can't handle it.
...I really hope there is a point to all of the things I'm doing.



...doing...
...went on a date last night, and it was so much fun. John is one of my best friend's older brothers. He took me to Trafalga and we played laser tag, mini golf (amid the presidential monuments of the United States, which is ironic because we played without any rules), skeeball, and air hockey. For our prizes, John got a mustache and a miniature pin wheel. I got a butterfly temporary tattoo because it was just too pretty to pass up. Even if I don't wear it, I might put it on a piece of paper. Very fun date, very nice guy, very good time.
...two bridal showers this week for darling Brianna! She is so adorable, I can't get over it. 27 days till the wedding!
...homework. Who does that? Oh...I should be doing that.
...Love's Labors Lost at BYU. Good show, but the girls in the production bothered me. Every time they were onstage I felt like I was watching junior high school students giggling and shrieking over something. There wasn't a lot of depth in the female character portrayals -- it was all surface flirtation with little visible thought behind the actions. Other than that, it was a fun show.
...I have a plan. 6 credits this Spring, 6.5 credits this Summer, 17.5 credits this Fall. Put in mission papers, and if I still feel like I should go I'll go. If not, I'll keep going to school and graduate in August 2013. Ready, go.


...feeling...
...don't want to be touched. At all. Period. No hugs, no high fives, no brushing hands, no linking arms, no nothing. Why? No idea. None.
...blessed because the grant money I received for school will carry over into the Spring/Summer terms, the car is still working just fine, I have a good job, my school schedule will allow me to keep working and study as well, and I don't have to pay rent.
...life is not meant to be spent in comfort. We're moved from old places and friends into new places with new people. Start over every few months. Change is certain, yet brings such uncertainty.
...what do you do when you realize your heart is breaking but you don't know why? It shouldn't be breaking at all, but it is, and it doesn't make sense. No matter how much you think about it and work at being "unbroken" -- you're broken. The feeling doesn't go away.

nothing but the best...

It's been 3 months since I last spoke to Aries. It's been even more since I've seen him. This has been a strange time, with some days flying by so quickly I never had time to think about him, and other days the reminders were so prevalent that the days seemed to stop, flooded with memories and the insufferable "what ifs".

Before going to my sister's ballroom concert, I realized that he would most likely be there. It made total sense: he was ballroom captain in high school, his uncle is the team coach, he has friends on the team, he is friends with people who are friends with people on the team, his uncle and aunt were performing in the concert, he loves to watch ballroom. Adding it up, it definitely makes sense to conclude that he would be there, especially since he wasn't there last night (I asked my parents when they got home from the concert yesterday evening).

And so, I carefully applied mascara and lipstick, fixed my bright blue ribbon, found a comfortable pair of shoes, and made sure I had cash in my wallet. It wasn't going to matter at all. We'd see it each other, we'd ignore each other, and we'd be done with each other again. Staring at my reflection, squaring my shoulders, giving the mirror a firm look -- ready to go.

3 months of not speaking, 6 months of not seeing later -- it was fine, right?

Wrong. Deader than a three-day-old dead man wrong. But the strange thing is, I don't know why.

I really don't know why. I kept catching myself glancing over my shoulder to see if he was coming. Stop it, I said, You're acting like you actually want to see him. Then other self, Well...maybe you do. Maybe you still... to which first self firmly stepped in with a resounding Shut up and look at the stage.

See him I did -- and it was awful. I heard someone say my name behind me, so I turned around. It was a friend's parents, and as I shifted to face the front again, there he was. That second of eye contact was one of the most drawn out seconds of my life. He looked at me in a way I can't even describe. I don't know how to describe what I felt either. It was like...like an allergic reaction. Shaking head to foot, heart pounding, unable to talk, and so very cold.

I don't know why I reacted that way. What was even stranger was how I felt after the concert. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to hear his voice, I wanted him to hold me like he used to, I wanted to be friends again. The only things that kept me back were fear of what friends and family would say if I did that and fear of Aries himself. I haven't felt that afraid in so long. Neither have I felt such longing for someone.

What the heck, right? I don't get it. WHAT. The heck. Why on earth do I want to go back to him? Why do I wish with all of my heart that he'd given me some clue that he wanted to talk to me? Why does it feel so hard to breath?

I made it home in one piece (probably because I wasn't driving) and made it to my room before I broke down. I desperately wanted to talk to someone, but I couldn't think of anyone to call. And all of the sudden I was hitting the dial button on my phone, not even sure of who I was calling...and Brady answered the phone.

Brady is another person I haven't talked to in almost three months, but that hasn't been the result of a falling out (or a safety precaution). He and I both had to leave the choir at the same time. Of all the people to call, right? However, I am so, so glad that I did. He's one of the people who is already familiar with the situation, so I didn't have to explain. He is also one of those people who has been given the gift of knowing exactly what to say in exactly the way it needs to be said at exactly the right time. If you ever have a problem, talk to Brady. You can be sobbing so hard you can't talk and he doesn't care. He just waits and listens, and not just to you. He listens to the Holy Ghost and shares what he feels and hears. I am so grateful for Brady.

I am so, so grateful for the friends in my life who help me. I'm so grateful for my family's support, and even for the dagger eyes that my little sister shot Aries (she's not one you want to mess with). I am also so grateful for a Heavenly Father who cares about me enough to inspire the still working subconscious parts of my brain to select Brady's number and press the dial button.

Right now, I don't understand why this hurts so much. I don't understand why I would give almost anything I possess to be a part of Aries's life again, and to have him back in mine. I don't know why I literally ache with missing him. I don't know why I feel this way, but it's how I feel.

Another thing I'm grateful for: this is from Sister Teddy Wright's letter that she sent this week. As always, letters from missionaries come at exactly the time I need them. I'll share what she wrote with you:

"A week ago I was looking outside at the rain and the storm that was coming in. The rain here is intense and it passes as quickly as it comes. As I was looking and pondering I realized that Heavenly Father gives us personal storms. And although it seems hard, the whole reason for storms is to make the earth more beautiful. That is the reason for our personal storms. The Lord is making us more beautiful and letting us grow. And with the rain always comes the promise of a rainbow."

Aries, I wish you nothing but the best in your life. I'm sorry for the mistakes I made. I wish that we could have fixed things. Because we couldn't, well...good luck to you.

roarin' twenties...

My first date during the year 2012 and after my 20th birthday was tonight. What better place to go than to a Roarin' 20s Institute dance?! My extremely kind, super cute, very funny, absolutely intelligent Eric asked me to go with him, and I gave an emphatic YES. It was so, so, SO fun. Can't stand it. :)

Pictures!

Dress


Hair


Awesome date


Happy girl

doesn't make sense...

I'm very upset at myself right now. I'm very upset at someone else right now, too. So feel free to read this post or not. It's very much a vent.

Dear person,

Why do I miss you? Seriously. I have no reasons whatsoever to miss you. You lied to me, you used me, you threatened me, you abused me. The very idea of seeing you gives me feelings that range from anger to fear to pity for the way you are. But mostly I'm afraid. Why am I afraid? See reasons listed in the beginning of this paragraph.

How could you profess to care for me so much and then treat me the way that you did? Why on earth did I think for a second that you told me the truth? You told me that you loved me. What you showed wasn't love. You placed yourself in a position where you could use your knowledge of my life and our friendship to use me and to control me. You had power, and you enjoyed it.

It was easy to tell; I could feel it when we were together. When you came back into my life after almost a year away, you were different towards me. I was afraid to be alone with you. I was afraid to talk to you. I did anyway, but I never felt safe with you anymore.

My experience with you has set me back so far. I was already scared of any sort of relationship. Then, though, I wanted one. So I took a chance on you. Even you know I'm not a risk taker. You were the biggest risk of my life. Thank heavens I didn't rush in and play for the highest stakes; I'd be way worse off. What we had couldn't even be considered a relationship. It was an almost relationship. For me, though, it was a huge, huge risk, and let me tell you--the return wasn't worth it.

Now I'm to the point where I'm so frightened of a repeat experience that I don't even want to consider a relationship. Now, men are handsome, nice, and friends. There isn't an active desire for anything more than friendship. Even the friendships I have made have come about through extreme caution. It's as though I have to put every man through some sort of test before I can trust him. Perhaps that isn't a bad thing, but it isn't a very healthy thing. Then the second my feelings start to change, I look for ways to shut them down. I actively seek ways to turn romantic feelings back into plain old friendship. Why? Because I'm terrified. What happens if he is as good a liar as you are? Obviously I'm easily deceived, and maybe the next guy will actually follow through on his threats. I don't know, but maybe.

What am I supposed to do, though? I'm not very big. I can't run very fast. I'm not very strong. You made all of those things very apparent to me. Thanks for that; now I'm aware of my physical weakness compared to the opposite gender.

So tell me. Why do I miss you? I shouldn't miss you. Why is it so difficult for me to keep you out of my mind, and out of my dreams, and out of my heart? Why do I wish that things could be different? I don't understand this. I don't understand how I can be so frightened of you and at the same time want you around so badly.

I don't need you. Why do I think that I need you?

I'm faced with all of this evidence of how unkind and uncaring you were. It's as plain as the noon day sun on a cloudless day. Which is why I don't understand why I miss you. I don't understand it at all. I never thought I'd say this, but I would very much like to erase you completely from my life. After everything I gave you and all of the love I showed you, you just used it all to hurt me. I'm not saying I didn't do anything wrong at all. Right now I don't care very much about that though. I'm the one who walked away with the emotional and mental damage. You're the one who went to the girlfriend you forgot to tell me about and got comfort from her. How nice for you to have a back-up plan. Or was I your back-up plan?

Now I will say this: I don't hate you. I just wish I could go back to the day I met you and walk away. That would have been the smart thing to do. Looking back I can see how naive I was. From day one, you had me right where you could play your hand the best. You immediately had the advantage, for I didn't know the rules of the game. I didn't even know we were playing.

lookin' back: 2011...

Wow. I can't believe the year is over! It went by so incredibly fast, I'm not even sure what happened in 2011 and what didn't! Thankfully I have thousands of pictures in seasonally categorized folders on my computer...if one picture is worth a thousand words, how many words are a thousand pictures worth? Hm...

LDC had Spring Retreat at the beginning of the year. This is my family group, the Dis-Harmonizers! We were the coolest anti-super hero group ever.


Meghan and Amanda performed in their first ever MVHS choir fundraising concert. It was really great to go back to my high school to see all of my still in high school buddies perform, and to see my sisters be spotlighted in each of their numbers.


Institute Date Night! I've made so many good friends through LDC and through Institute. It's been a huge blessing in my life.


Brianna, Shelby, and I got to go to a session of General Conference at the Conference Center. It was a grand adventure, complete with riding the Trax train. "What is that? It's the wrong shape for a bullet hole..." Good times!!


I graduated from UVU! Associate's Degree, baby! It wasn't a super huge deal, but it was a really great accomplishment for me.


LDC performed our spring show, The Family: A Musical Proclamation. This is the show that we were invited to perform in the Conference Center at Temple Square. It was a really amazing experience, to be able to work with professional sound and light crews, a real live stage manager, and to have a fully functioning stage to perform on. I loved every minute of it. Dream come true, to perform on that stage!


Choir tour!


One time Meghan forgot to get a group together for Morp. Adam and I helped her out by going as a second couple, even though we'd graduated a year before.


Jordan and Meghan...Peter Pan and Wendy.


Institute on parade!


Manti Pageant with my sisters and Jenni. It has always been one of my absolute favorite things to do in the summer. I'm so glad we got to go this year! It was the first time in nearly 3 years, and it was a total blast. Thanks to dad for driving us down and hanging out with all of us girls!


New job! Super fun.


Natalie's birthday adventure!


July brought saying good-bye to my best friend Jordan. He is currently serving in the Independence, Missouri mission, Spanish speaking. I honestly don't know where I would be without this kid. I love you, Elder Raddatz!!


The final installment of HARRY freakin' POTTER! Midnight showing, of course.


Summer vacation part one: the ZOO. Where we actually belong.


Summer vacation part two: LAGOON. Where only half of our family belongs...the rest get sick (myself included).


Summer vacation part three: GRANDMA'S HOUSE!! EVERYONE belongs at grandma's house.


A new year of LDC: new friends, new music, new experiences, same Spirit. This is a picture from fall retreat. White Power! I mean...uh...yeah. Try coming up with a cheer when you're the white group! It all comes out sounding racist.


Carrots and Choir Chica Sista, my two best girls. I love them so, so much. From heartbreak to hyperness, they've been there for me every step of the way this semester. BFF's!


LDC presents Mulan! Well...sort of.


On a whim I bought a fish. I named him Leonardo. Leonardo DiFishy.



Insert imaginary photo of new job at PartyLand!



Halloween!!


Fall photoshoot courtesy of Michelle. They're kind of super late senior pictures combined with pictures to use for audition packets. Thank you, Michelle!


Another photoshoot courtesy of Michelle. It was so great to be able to take pictures of all three of us together! Usually I'm the one behind the camera when it's me and my sisters, so this was great. Merry Christmas, mom and dad!


We got a dog and named her Molly. She's a gremlin. Seriously.


LDC performed with Michael McLean in The Forgotten Carols. It was an amazing experience.


Christmas-ing with Carrots at Blickenstaff's!


We're elves. You know...Christmas elves. Santa's little helpers.


It was a Charlie Brown Christmas.


LDC performed our Christmas show, A Silent Night. All of that music and the words came to mean a lot to me by the end of the run. It was a great experience, despite being strangely difficult for me personally. I'm really glad I have those memories.


Chillin' with the Eggletts, Brother and Sister Eggett's children. They are so stinkin' adorable! And all of them are so very kind. I love them!