iHurt...

Most of my posts have been quite depressing of late. And for that, I apologize.

I don't apologize for needing to write things down, though. For some reason this is the only medium I've found where I can truly confess how I feel and what I think. I have journals, loads of them -- and they're all blank. Writing in those is terrifying. I'm not really sure why. I think it might be because I really want the thoughts and feelings I have to be read by someone. Anyone. Because goodness knows it's hard enough for me to order a  hamburger, let alone say my feelings have been hurt.

iHurt.

I feel like that's my life anymore. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually -- every time I get close to finding peace and reassurance, something else goes wrong. Painfully wrong. A constant iHurt application.

Heartbreakingly wrong.

I'm so tired. I'm so tired of not knowing, of not having answers, of trying to move forward and being set back -- school, work, relationships -- and I'm tired of people thinking they know what I need. It's understandable, in a way. I never say what I need. Heck -- I don't even know what I need. But I do know that what people think I need is very different from what I think I need.

That's what I've been doing today. Evaluating my needs. Evaluating my desires. Which makes me feel incredibly selfish, and also powerful. And terrified.

My  heart hurts so much today. My body hurts.

spill it...

It came out of nowhere.

One day we were just holding hands and stuff, becoming friends, goofing off, and the next, I'm spilling some of my deepest secrets. What's crazier is that he spilled first. When it was my turn, he didn't judge or even give advice. He let me talk, and when I cried, he held me close and told me that everything will be okay.

I didn't intend to tell him anything. It just sort of happened.

By the way, our first date (Friday) was loads of fun. He took me to see The Hobbit, as when I mentioned I hadn't seen it, he was horrified. Dinner at Macaroni Grill (which I've only ever heard about), a walk through the Christmas lights at the Riverwoods shops, and coloring Captain America in my Avengers coloring book followed.

He's the sweetest guy ever.

The spillage took place last night. I got home from my parents' house to find an unexpected visitor sitting on the couch with Chelsea and Jeff. The four of us went to Applebee's for a last hurrah before school starts (bug). He paid for me -- I was too tired to fight him and the waiter at the same time.

He stayed late, letting me talk about things, just listening. I feel so much lighter, like I was carrying something heavy, and the weight is gone. I feel so much safer, even comfortable.

I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have a friend like him. No matter how this goes, I'm lucky.

you know those times when...

...you sit at your computer for hours with the intention of starting a paper/essay/research project, but you end up staring at the screen because you can't seem to get started?
...you lay in bed for hours with the blankets over your head while you cry because no matter how tired you are, you can't fall asleep?
...you park yourself on the couch and enter the woman's version of the "nothing box," which is when you're thinking about so many things that it becomes absolutely unintelligible, the thoughts so disconnected it's as though they're not even happening?
...you look at your bank statement and feel utter shock course through you as you see how little money you have left, and can't seem to remember what you spent it all on?
...you wish you could talk to someone, but every time you try, no one listens because they start talking about how hard their own lives are or lecturing you on what you should do, should have done, or aren't doing enough of?
...you look at your calendar and want to stow away on a plane to Australia, where no one can find you and make you face your responsibilities?
...you wonder if there's any point to anything that you're doing anymore?

Pretty sure most people have those times. We'll get through them -- one day at a time. Just keep trying.

not today...

Woke up early -- not tired a bit. Got up, got dressed, got it under control.  Cute hair, cute dress, cute shoes, cute girl. Ready for another day.

Not ready for the questions.

They came from all directions. Concerned faces, hushed voices, worried looks and whispers.

How's your dad?
How's your family?
What did the doctors say?
What treatments is he getting?
What changes has he made?
Is he happy? Is he sad?
Are you all doing okay?
Is there anything we can do?
How's your mom?
How are your sisters?
(but worst)
How are YOU?

Sympathetic hands laid upon my arm, hugs and promises and ever more questions.

DON'T TOUCH ME I don't scream,
GO AWAY I don't say.

They believe that they are being kind. Which is why I answer -- wrote and boring -- but it's what they want to hear.

He's fine. He's tired.
They're all busy.
Shots. Pills.
Doctors. Bills.
Happy, yes. Sad, no.
Okay -- I assume so. I'm not home much.
I don't know -- I don't live at home -- I don't know what they need.
She's tired.
They're busy.
(they wait expectantly)
I'm fine, too.

I don't tell them that I'm tired. I don't tell them to go away. Instead, I go.

Left church early -- couldn't stand it anymore. Held back tears -- didn't want to explain. Escaped the people and the words and the problem they all want to dwell on. Stood under a tree and listened -- bees buzzing above my head, birds chirping in the bush, heat singing over the ground -- they ask nothing of me. No more questions.

Not today.

withdraw...

I'm the kind of person who makes plans and sticks to them. I rarely cancel plans, even if I don't feel particularly well. And even though I hate going to parties, I at least try to show up and say hello for a little while.

Lately, though, I've done the opposite. I've made plans, I've rsvp'd to stuff, I've ventured into social functions -- but somehow, I always end up canceling or making as quick an exit as possible. Even at work I find any excuse to hide in the back room, whether it's calling customers or organizing or drinking 6 full water bottles in a five hour shift just so I could retreat to refill and clear my head.

Don't get me wrong. I love my house mate. I love my coworkers (most of them). I love my family. I love my friends. I need people, all of those people in particular.

Right now, though...I don't really want people. It's so hard to hear people say things like, "we need to go hang out to take your mind off of things" or "call me and we'll talk" because, quite honestly, I don't want to go out or talk. I hate getting invited to do things because I just want to stay in my house, cleaning the rooms and cooking meals and spending time with Kala. At the same time, I keep making plans and trying to force myself to make human contact -- I know from experience that it's not good to withdraw completely.

But making plans is the easy part. It's keeping them that's hard. Even sitting in the same room with Natalie was hard after awhile. So was talking with my coworkers tonight. I wonder if part of it is due to my sudden inability to focus on anything anyone is saying. I'll be looking right at Natalie while she's talking to me, but I cannot for the life of me seem to focus on what she is saying. The same thing happened with Tracy and Danielle at work, and my family when we went to the library tonight. It was like a radio that can't hone in a frequency and keeps shooting out static with intermittent, broken, muffled words coming through the speakers.

I just want to be alone. Alone with nothing but white noise in my head and white lights before my eyes.

what's important...

I hate to admit that I've blown people off because I didn't feel like getting involved. There have been days where I've noticed someone was sad or upset and I just offered a casual, "You okay?" without really expecting an honest answer. And they responded with the socially acceptable, and often expected, "Doing good," even if they're not. Often times a follow up question of "Are you sure?" is met with the reply "I'm fine, just tired." Those are answers I'm totally okay with. Most people are, I think. After all, it's a rather scripted conversation:

"Hi, how are you?"
"Good, you?"
"Good."
"Good!"
*insert smiley faces...*

It occurs every day in my life at least twice, be it me asking or someone asking me. But do I even really care? I'd like to say that I do, but sometimes...it just pops out of my mouth before I even think about what might happen if the other person deviates from the script. Does the other person care how I'm doing? Maybe he/she is thinking the same things that I am.

Or are we just conforming to an expectation that doesn't really mean much anymore because it is so prominent -- so expected?

Realizing how frequently I blow people off is a little surprising. What's not surprising is that I didn't start thinking about it until I noticed how often I'm blown off by the people who I believe should be the most interested in my life. And then I get to thinking...how many times do I blow off those people who should be the most important to me?

That's not a good thing. I'm especially feeling it now, that it isn't a good thing. Blowing people off or accepting the generic, almost automated "I'm fine" response isn't always what is needed. Yes, we're all busy. I'm busier than I've been in a long time. However, that doesn't mean I should use my crazy schedule as an excuse. Homework is important, work is important, church is important, a lot of things are important. It is PEOPLE, though, who are the MOST important.

Perhaps it doesn't need to be a long, lengthy, soul-bearing conversation. Maybe all somebody needs is a big hug, or a short note, or a question posed in a way that shows the sincerity behind the asker's query. Maybe the answer will still be "I'm fine, just tired," but at least the person knows that somebody is interested. The person will know that if ever the answer becomes deeper than the expected, it's okay. Somebody out there will put aside his or her own cares and listen for a few minutes. Because sometimes all you need is someone to listen.

an attempt...

Parts of today were really discouraging and sad. I am almost 99% positive that I failed my math test. I don't understand how I can get perfect or near perfect scores on the homework but do terribly on the actual test. I wasn't the only one in the class who was frustrated and confused. That thing was rough. Seriously, it was like I didn't know anything at all.

Another sad thing about today was the memory of something a friend said yesterday. I've been trying not to think about it, but it was kind of awkward to talk to him. He gave an honest but rather brutal opinion about something. He has no idea that I'm part of the group that he was speaking against. I wonder what would happen if he did. Of course it doesn't really matter much, but I just wonder, you know?

Third sad thing: Aries texted me and asked me what I want him to do. I told him I don't know, because really and truly I have no idea. His answer was that this is good-bye for now because it's apparent that I don't want him around so he won't stay. Now, I know I should be relieved by that. He made the decision to leave, and I didn't tell him to get out of my life or leave me the heck alone. However, it's strange that I feel sad. I guess that's what happens with friendships: the affection doesn't go away even when you're angry or feel like you can't trust a person. Yes, I am kind of relieved, but at the same time I feel really sad about the whole thing. Moving on is the next step, I suppose.

Now I will make an attempt at smiling, because there are always things to smile about (whether I actually do or not is another matter...I need to work on that). Here are some good things that happened during the day:

1. Last History class of the semester AND I don't have to take the final! No more 8:30am class! Haha, that makes me sound like such a lazy person! I really liked that class. My professor was very good and very kind.


2. No more math homework. Granted there is the final coming up so I have to study somehow, but nothing else is due.


3. My Institute teacher (for Book of Mormon class) is hilarious. He never fails to make me laugh.


4. LDC is recording this week!! We've been working on getting several of our songs ready for a CD. Our men section is incredible. Really. They're fantastic. I don't really know how the women sound, because I'm always singing with them (obviously), but my mom said we sound like angels. I'm guessing that's a good thing. I love singing with this choir. Honestly, it is one of my favorite things in life, and it's one of the best parts of the day.


5. Another four hour nap.


6. I got to talk to Sister Raddatz on the phone for awhile today. Talking to her really helps me so much. I don't know what it is about her, but she just knows exactly what to say. She also listens, really listens.


7. Tomorrow morning I can sleep in because I don't have philosophy or math!! That is so awesome. I'm excited.


8. Cheesecake. Smile much? Mhmmmm.

Everything will work out. Yeah, things are hard. Really hard sometimes. However, that's the way life is meant to be. If you didn't have the hard things, you'd never get stronger. You'd never learn if you didn't have weaknesses. Strength is great, but perhaps it's a little overrated sometimes. Only the strongest will admit that they are weak. It's part of humility. I really need more of that. I will learn. :)

2 am...

Last night was very long, worrying, and emotionally draining. It was nearly 1:00, and I was about to climb into bed (huzzah!!) when I literally heard the words "you need to get back onto the computer" in my mind.

I have learned that when this voice says things that you listen to it. So I did. I got on the computer and hit Facebook. A friend of mine was on. I sat there staring at his name, debating on whether or not to say hello. I don't like initiating conversations with friends; I'm afraid that they'll be bothered or won't want to talk at the moment. I finally decided to click on the name and said hello, then I asked a question: "What makes you happy?"

At the time I was feeling horrible. Yesterday was another bad day (though not as bad as Monday) and I was definitely shattered. But as I talked to my friend, I found that he's hurting a lot more than I am but he's much more alone.

We talked until 2 in the morning. I hope it helped him, and I hope he knows how much I care about him. He's such a great person, and a wonderful friend. I wish I could do more. Hopefully I'll think of something, or that the little voice will come back and nudge me in the right direction.