i don't get it...

Often when discussing personal problems, I get told, "Just be grateful for what you have and then life will be happier for you."

It's always seemed like great advice, and so I've taken it multiple times. Given the numerous stories and testimonies shared on the subject, it seems like it should work great.

Wrong.

Maybe it's that I'm naturally pessimistic (or as one professor called me, a true nihilist -- I still resent that), or maybe it's because my world seems incredibly dark right now. Or maybe I'm trying too hard?

For some reason, counting my blessings instead of sheep not only keeps me up at night, but it also triggers high levels of anxiety and ever more frequent feelings of emptiness. As counting sheep merely bores me, I've started preferring that to listing good things that happened during the day or ticking off the things I've been given -- boredom feels better than emptiness.

Saying that it's simply listing good things isn't the process, mind you. You've got to sincerely foster an appreciation for the things, people, and opportunities placed in your life. And I've tried that. I've tried looking around at my life and truly appreciating what I have -- sometimes I even find myself thinking, "Wow. Look at you -- you're one lucky girl." And I believe it.

Then, right after that, the pain starts again, the emptiness becomes a choking cord around my throat, and the dark closes in, heavy and cold.

Somehow, being grateful for good things brings horrible, devastating guilt. It's as though by attempting to feel happiness, the sadness deepens. Light and joy seem far above my head, and either the floor beneath my feet is dropping at a rapid pace, or my arms are shrinking: either way, I can't reach what I desire. Instead of feeling my chin lift hopefully, I feel a weight increase until I can barely stand, arms wrapped tight around me as I hold myself together on the floor.

Why? I don't understand it. I don't understand how searching for happiness -- maybe not even happiness, but just some relief -- and doing all of the good things I can do only makes things feel worse.

I don't get it.

sigh...

I feel so fat.

Now, hear me out, hear me out.

I honestly have gained weight in the last six months. I've been trying to do more to manage it. Eat better (or eat in general), get more sleep, drink lots of water. The hardest part for me has been exercise.

Not for lack of trying. It's not that I don't exercise. It's that when I do, I end up stuck on my couch for two or three days because of the pain that follows.

Take today, for example. I had plans to clean the entire house from top to bottom, you know, to get it ready for when Chels comes home tomorrow. I had plans to bake cookies for her and Jeff, to welcome her home. I was going to go out for another half hour of interval training.

Nope.

I can barely walk -- I can barely even sit down.

And so, I'm sitting in my too tight jeans on the couch, doing homework while watching Cake Boss (because it's freakin' amazing how they make those cakes and I love it), trying not to curse myself and everything else out of frustration.

Because cursing doesn't help anything.

Does anyone have any ideas about how to get some exercise that doesn't leave me useless for days? Here's what I've tried so far:
yoga (yeah -- even that hurts -- :P )
walking
interval training
water aerobics
dance (of many kinds)

I'm going to try and bake cookies now. Yay!

lore of the folk...

Yesterday I finished my first folklore collection project. Three days of sorting through computer files full of dates, names, and beliefs about different diseases, injuries, and ailments...voila. Complete.

I learned a lot of interesting things. Mostly what not to do. For example, one belief advised treating a burn by covering the affected area with turpentine and then holding the limb over a hot stove. Mmm...false. Turpentine is flammable. Pretty sure that's not going to help.

Or this one: to cure frostbite, stand barefoot in the snow. While snow can help warm up a frozen limb (because the snow is actually warmer than the icy skin and helps draw out the cold [thank you, Boy Scouts]), standing barefoot in the snow is a bit ridiculous.

Or how about eating a mouse to cure a toothache? I'm sure that's fool proof.

The really fun thing has been all of the Google searches that have led me to new, weird, and interesting bits of information regarding many of the "cures" and "treatments" I've been sifting through. Some actually work. Like ginger tea for menstrual cramps. Or raspberry tea for a stomachache. Who knew? Others don't work (see above). Such as vinegar on a sunburn (ow). The acid makes it worse.

Google is awesome.

Anyway, it was a long, rather boring process, but it's finished now. Yay.

However...that assignment was a bit preferable to the one I'm currently working on. Get this: my new project is all of the files containing folklore relating to love, courtship, marriage, and other such topics. Currently, I'm going through all of the beliefs about dating: what to do, what not to do, what to eat, what charms and incantations to use to get someone to fall in love with you. Not that I'd ever do that. Silly. And wouldn't work. I mean, after all...remember what happened with Tom Riddle and Merope Gaunt? Not happy.

Dating files. Advice from clear back in 1886.

Fitting, no?

#"nothappy,Bob"

get involved...

Once upon a time, BYU's President Samuelson said, "Get involved during your time here at BYU." Shortly after, the president of the student association on campus said, "Take the time to get involved at the Y." Then, my mom said, "Go out and do some stuff besides school while you're here!" And then, one of my professors said, "Do things here that will help you learn from others, meet new people, gain greater perspective, and enrich your educational experience."

Well. With so many people telling me the same thing, how could I refuse? I sure tried to refuse. Who in their right minds would want to go out and get involved? That takes time! It requires meeting people...and talking to them! Then suddenly, all of these different, new things caught my eye. Random things, too.

Like the American Studies Student Council -- I'm in the program, so why not go to the meeting on Thursday and check it out? Or babysitting for a professor in the English department -- why not? They'll be paying me, and their kids are adorable. Gee, how about checking the audition board just for kicks while walking around campus between classes (I had three hours to kill today). Oh, they're doing Songs for A New World this fall? Huh. Why not try out? I'm free that night.

All of the sudden I've got so many things I'm looking into and trying for -- I'm a bit freaked out. I kind of forgot that little thing called time. Not to mention work. And homework (oh, homework). And housework. And, you know. Maybe eating food.

My head hurts. It really, really hurts. I keep looking at my schedule (ugh) and just wondering how I'm going to get everything done. But do I stop? No. I just add some more right on top of it! I shouldn't worry about things yet though. I mean, sure. Try out, go to the meeting and see how it goes, but if I don't make those things, then I don't have anything to worry about. It's if I actually make it that could be a potential problem -- if I don't make it, it's not a part of my life anyway.

Don't sign up for things on the first day of school when you're bored, because once school gets underway, you won't be bored for long.

2 hours, 4 minutes, and 12 seconds...

dear Friend,

While I don't agree that I would look awesome in sparkly, orange high heels, I do agree with something that you said before. Once upon a time you said that when you talk to me about the problems I'm facing, you often gain more insight than you feel you shared. You've thanked me for coming to you with a problem -- I haven't been able to figure it out until now.

It's true. Talking to you helped me see things I hadn't considered before. My words to you offered me solutions and gave me strength. You helped me remember things I'd forgotten -- things like the fact that the Savior loves me just as much as He loves you. And that things get better because He'll help us if we ask.

Knowing that you're there makes me feel stronger and braver -- thank you for being there to lift me up.

Thank you for letting me return the favor.

I love you. And I'm always here. Hope you know that.

all my love,
GKB

how to be perfect...

In honor of post number 900 (wow -- where does the time go), I am supplying a list of how to be perfect.

Okay, so these won't make a person perfect, but I do like them. I read these in a post from distracted by shiny objects over at A Tidings of Magpies, and I copied down a few of the items on the list that I liked.

Excerpts from How to be Perfect by Ron Padgett:

• Get some sleep.
• Be friendly. It will help make you happy.
• Hope for everything. Expect nothing.
• Take care of things close to home first. Straighten up your room before you save the world. Then save the world.
• Be nice to people before they have a chance to behave badly.
• Wear comfortable shoes.
• Do not spend too much time with large groups of people.
• Plan your day so you never have to rush.
• Show your appreciation to people who do things for you, even if you have paid them, even if they do favors you don't want.
• After dinner, wash the dishes.
• Calm down.
• Don't expect your children to love you, so they can, if they want to.
• Don't be too self-critical or too self-congratulatory.
• Imagine what you would like to see happen, and then don't do anything to make it impossible.
• Forgive your country every once in a while. If that is not possible, go to another one.
• If you feel tired, rest.
• Don't be depressed about growing older. It will make you feel even older. Which is depressing.
• Do one thing at a time.
• If you burn your finger, put ice on it immediately. If you bang your finger with a hammer, hold your hand in the air for 20 minutes. You will be surprised by the curative powers of ice and gravity.
• Do not inhale smoke.
• Take a deep breath.
• Do not smart off to a policeman.
• Be good.
• Be honest with yourself, diplomatic with others.
• Do not go crazy a lot. It's a waste of time.
• Drink plenty of water. When asked what you would like to drink, say, "Water, please."
• Take out the trash.
• Love life.
• Use exact change.
• When there's shooting in the street, don't go near the window.

There's some good advice in there (particularly that last bullet). If doing some of these don't make you perfect, they'll at least help you feel happy, right?

And a personal "how to be perfect" from me: notice the little things, for the little things can hold more beauty than the grand.

adviced out...

I am a very lucky person. I have many people who care about me and who take the time out of their lives to talk about the things that are going on in mine. There's a feeling of comfort that comes from knowing that there are people you can go to when you're in trouble, or when you have a super exciting bit of news, or when you need to go get ice cream. It's especially comforting to know that people are willing to listen and discuss the personal things that most others will never know about.

While I am so blessed to have so many people who I can count as friends, I am being 100% honest when I say this: I am adviced out.

As much as I appreciate people wanting to help me solve the problems and calm the worries that I have, I don't really want advice anymore. There's been so much good advice given, and yeah, some not so good, and I'm so glad that people were interested enough to help me. But now that I have all of this advice, I don't know what to do with it. There are so many ideas and so many possible solutions. There are multiple combinations of wisdom and knowledge that can be put together in trial and error fashion to come to a solution. I try to do that. Really. For some reason though, I can't find the energy or will-power to do so.

Right now I don't want advice. Is that super ungrateful? All I want is for someone to listen, someone willing to not talk and to just listen. I find myself wishing that there was someone who I could tell everything to, and who would be content with just knowing. Perhaps just a person to be with. Just to be. Even if that means simply listening to the silence of two people sitting and sharing the experience of learning one another's hearts.

you missed...

I received a comment from a friend about creating. I decided to try creating again...I don't know if it's any good, but it helps me wrap my head around what's going on. I'm feeling extremely confused about why I'm so down. It doesn't make sense-I've got so much to be happy about but when I start counting those things, I don't feel better. I actually feel worse. So I decided to try something. I picked two random words from a book. I opened the pages, closed my eyes, and pointed. These are the words I found: "missed" and "you".

With those words, I wrote the first things that came to mind and titled it "You Missed". I don't know if this worked out at all, but I feel better for some reason.

You came to me

late one night,

when the shadows

made pictures on the walls,

creeping along the fence

and hiding from the

touch of the

streetlight.

You came to me

with tears in your voice,

your head hanging,

ashamed to be

feeling the way

that you were.

You asked me for help,

and I gave it.

You came to me

and asked me

to catch you,

to be there when

you were falling.

You asked me

to reach out,

and I did.

Now it’s my turn

to come to you,

when the shadows

creep into my heart

from outside,

leaving their walls

and fences

to darken my mind.

I came to you,

unafraid of

how I felt.

Unashamed,

for I knew

that you’d catch me

as I started

to fall.

And you missed.

2 am...

Last night was very long, worrying, and emotionally draining. It was nearly 1:00, and I was about to climb into bed (huzzah!!) when I literally heard the words "you need to get back onto the computer" in my mind.

I have learned that when this voice says things that you listen to it. So I did. I got on the computer and hit Facebook. A friend of mine was on. I sat there staring at his name, debating on whether or not to say hello. I don't like initiating conversations with friends; I'm afraid that they'll be bothered or won't want to talk at the moment. I finally decided to click on the name and said hello, then I asked a question: "What makes you happy?"

At the time I was feeling horrible. Yesterday was another bad day (though not as bad as Monday) and I was definitely shattered. But as I talked to my friend, I found that he's hurting a lot more than I am but he's much more alone.

We talked until 2 in the morning. I hope it helped him, and I hope he knows how much I care about him. He's such a great person, and a wonderful friend. I wish I could do more. Hopefully I'll think of something, or that the little voice will come back and nudge me in the right direction.

split ends...

I hope it ends nothing. But, under the circumstances, it could.

Remember that one person who doesn't like anything at all, and is never satisfied? Well, I've finally had it with her and will not be going with her or the rest of her group to Preference. I didn't throw a fit (though I wanted to SO badly, but that would be stupid and I didn't want to say/do anything mean to hurt someone's feelings). I didn't say much at all. I just turned in my "I quit".

Our plans for our random and amazing dinner fell through when I went over to Pirate Island (yes, that's what we had planned) to make a room reservation. The Mermaid Room would have been perfect for all of us...but to use it we would have to pay $150. ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS?! Um...no. I went home and told the other two girls who have done a little bit of the planning with me. Then I took 2 hours to research restaurants we'd talked about, looking online and taking notes of menu items, prices, seating, and whether or not they make reservations. I even called places and talked to them ON THE PHONE, which for me is a huge step out of my comfort zone. Seriously, it terrifies me. Anyway, it really did take about 2 hours. I made a nice little summarizing report for all of the girls, with 4 restaurants that would potentially work because they were what people had suggested before. I asked the girls to pick their top 2 choices and email me back for a primary vote.

Well, that one person emails back saying something like this: "I think we should meet at lunch because people might have other ideas. Besides, I'm getting really sick of having to check Facebook for plans."

Um...HELLO!? The reason why we chose to communicate through Facebook is because I can't meet with them at lunch due to Ariosa rehearsals for "Grease". Since I've been doing the majority (if not all) of the the work and research, that's why we planned that. I know it's not a big deal, but I spent 2 hours working on this. I've done so much for this one person to try and make her happy, and nothing does. Quite frankly, I've had it. I'm sick of having every single thing I do thrown back in my face. Again, it's not like this is a huge thing. I guess it's because it's one thing after another. Nothing makes her happy. How hard is it to just vote? All of the information is right there. I even picked two of the places she suggested (granted they were the most expensive and had the least space, but at least I tried to make her feel like her opinions were respected and not just thrown out).

Ugh. I guess I'm just really hurt and frustrated and angry and tired. So! My friend Coty and I are going together alone (so far, I don't know what the others are going to do). I called her (pretty much in tears) and explained everything. She knows the whole background story, and she told me that she'd been wondering why I hadn't split off since the problems first started.

I suppose I'm learning that sometimes you just have to say it like it is, regardless of what another person thinks of you. I've done so much, and I've got nothing back except complaints and arguments and spiteful remarks.

I'm really dreading going to school tomorrow. And I really feel like a loser. I screw everything up. There's no winning here. How is it possible that ALL of the high school drama has been packed into my Senior year? I've never had any problems before. This is ridiculous.

Am I a bad person for feeling like this? Should I just suck it up and go along with it? I really do feel terrible, and mean and just hateful. I hate me.

i prefer...

So Preference is next week (on my birfday...squee!!), and I'm finding that when it comes time to plan things like this, personalities clash. Here are some things that are driving me insane:

1. Certain people do not like food. Chinese, Italian, Mexican, anything exotic or different than there mom makes is gross. Even pizza!! I wonder how they survive at all.
2. Certain people do not make plans to be off of work.
3. Certain people will not drive.
4. Certain people don't want to eat out.
5. Certain people will only eat out.
6. Certain people want to be late to the dance.
7. Certain people won't help pay for reservations.
8. Certain people do all of the work for everything, while others sit by and watch and complain about every move.
9. Certain people insist on having an activity scheduled for the day they can do it, even though they are the only person out of 7 who can do it that day, whereas the other 6 can all do it on the day the other person can't.
10. Certain people kick and scream about everything, no matter what.

Don't get me wrong, I'm super excited for this dance. My friend Tyler is going with me, and he's a really great guy and a good friend. My dress is pretty and it's all fixed so I won't trip (it's also slightly big...I thought I gained weight but apparently I was wrong), plus I have way fun shoes to go with it. My best friend Coty and I get to drive together, and it's so cool because we never see each other (even though we go to the same school...that happens a lot at MV. I guess it's just really big and spread out). The activity we have planned is going to be way fun, and dinner is so random and awesome that I'm not sharing until after. Basically this is going to be way fun.

The bad thing is this: one person will not compromise or cooperate with anything. It is so aggravating to have a six person majority be able to do something when a single person minority wants everything to be their way. If we have an activity on Saturday, 5 out of 7 can't do it. If we do it Friday night, 6 out of 7 can do it and that one person can't. We've tried splitting up the group, but it's so much easier to just do it on Friday (due to time conflicts on Saturdays where it'd be a total rush for everything for those who can't go). I'm just getting really tired of the headache.

It kind of hurts in another way as well. This particular friend has been invited by me to be in every single date group I've ever planned because, well, no one else wants her around. We all love her, but I guess the others don't want to put up with her. I just don't want to see her left out and would rather deal with her drama. This time, though, I'm feeling extremely torn. Every single move we make has been checked and rechecked over and over to make sure she'll be happy. My friend proofreads all of my emails to make sure this girl won't find something to twist into an insult or to throw back at me. Plans are put on the table then scrapped again and again to be revised so she feels like we're not leaving her out. Some plans, however, can't be changed and she just gets super mad. I've been really nice to her for three years with being in groups and making sure she has people to go with, but I always get it back in my face. It's like she doesn't even notice.

Ugh. Girls are stupid (I can say that, I'm one of them so I know). I hope it all works out. I'm just very nervous to make any plans final, because this person might throw a fit. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I've got 5 other girls involved as well. I have to be fair to everyone. I'm also afraid that I might get hurt in the process. It's happened before with this friend-kind of an experience I'd prefer to not repeat.

Getting stuck in leadership positions sucks. I've run out of ideas, so now I ask you. What do I do?

stupid...

I am. 'Cause I didn't realize that all college teachers are different and make up their own rules. My Health professor decided that his class would end five days before the end of the semester, so all of the quizzes, tests, and assignments were due last night. Meaning I pretty much failed the class.

Now that you're all worried-ha. Yes, the stuff is all due, but I wrote him an email asking for the criteria to get an "I" in the course, and he responded saying "I don't give 'I's, so just finish the tests and quizzes and take the final." Score! Thank you, mom, for telling me to email him. I'll still probably end up with a B at the most, if I get 150/200 on the final. I'm so stupid.

Do any of you find me annoying? Or rude? Or something else like that? Let me know so I can fix it.

My family and I (excluding dad-he's on another business trip) drove up Provo Canyon today to go on a "picinica". I used to say that when I was little, and now my mom uses it. We had a lovely chicken and grape pasta salad, and I messed around with my camera. Misty had fun lying in the grass. She has exploded, seriously. I can't figure it out, but she's taller, longer, and just bigger. It's so weird. We all thought she'd stopped growing. Now this little white monster dog is running around the house, tripping on her spindly legs. While we were eating she sprawled and turned her nose up at her own dinner. Word to the wise-never feed a Maltese, even a half Maltese, people food because she will never eat her own again.

There were a lot of family groups at the canyon park. Each was at least three generations-grandparents, parents, and children. Two of these families collided when a small girl hurled a large flying disc with all of her might, and it landed in the other family's fire pit. The grandma of the second family let out an "uh-WHA!" and began kicking the disc to get it out of the flames. The small girl began to cry, and was given a few Starbursts from the grandma and the teenage boy of the second family. I tried not to laugh for the little girl's sake, but it was funny.

The only problem with the campfires is that now I smell like woodsmoke. It takes so long for me to get it out of my hair. Like from Girl's Camp-THREE DAYS!!! AND I washed it three times each of those days. NINE times before my hair was back to normal. That's the trouble with some good things. It's good while it's happening, but sometimes the lingering effects are a little bit annoying. Break out the shampoo, people!

Dessert was from Macey's-individual pints of ice cream. Yes, I can eat one in a single sitting, and yes, I know I shouldn't. At least it wasn't a quart, right? All in all it was a fun evening. Now I just have to finish five more chapters for this Health class. I'm so stupid! Perhaps I'll learn something from this, like make a schedule so I know when stuff is due. That might be a good idea.

Maybe I can learn how not to be stupid. Is there a "How Not To Be Stupid for Dummies" out there yet? Someone write it so I can have it on my bedside table. It would probably get more use than any book I've ever read.

wtfreak...

That's all I can say when I think of my Health final on Thursday and having only completed ten chapters so far, school starting on the the Thursday after, being scheduled for a television spot on Good Day Utah the day after for WoOz, opening night on the 27 and the following performances, the ACT test on September 12...

WTFreak!?! THIS IS NUTSO!!! I'm going to be a SENIOR?!?!?!?!? WHEN did THAT happen?!?

Plus I'm sick. No idea how that happened, but I've got a fever, sore throat, headache, yadeeyadeeyada. That's so dumb.

Tomorrow I go back over to MVHS to get my schedule fixed. Yeah, I decided to stay at MV instead of transferring to OHS, the school which I'm in area for. It'll just work better. My schedule has a hole in it, meaning I am not scheduled for a class or a released period. Just nothing. Should I take PE Lifetime Activities, a second ballroom class if there is one open, try and finangle myself into Jewelry, take some sort of an AP class just for the heck of it, or keep it a released period?

I need ideas, people. You know me well enough to suggest classes, yes? Of course. :D

(Beth, I don't have pictures of me in my dress from yesterday. Our neighbor took some, but I don't know if he'll give us copies or not. If he does, I'll think about posting them. I'm kind of embarrassed to put pictures of myself up.)

high school survival guide I...

School begins in two weeks, give or take a couple of days. I've been thinking back on my time during some of my classes, and I've begun to make lists of the things I wish I'd known when I was signing up. My first list concerns AP Environmental Science, taught by Mr. Clark. Ready?

15 Ways to Survive AP Environmental Science:

1. When Mr. Clark says you need to study, you need to study. Take him seriously.

2. You will NOT pass the "Rocks and Minerals" test unless you go into the classroom for at least four hours a week before or after school to study the samples in the cases/on the shelves.

3. The AP test is required, so study like you are going to take it (you have to no matter what).

4. AP test essays are not to be taken lightly-know what you're talking about or Mr. Clark will dock you major points.

5. Mr. Clark curves all of his tests. Do not aim for the highest score or your classmates will hate your guts.

6. Go to the school plays/concerts and keep the program to turn in. It's worth extra credit at the end of the term.

7. Don't procrastinate turning in the chapter review assignments, because if you don't turn them in on time you have to write out the definition for each vocabulary term at the back of the chapter AND draw a picture to match. It sucks. Like ew.

8. Take good notes. Very good notes. And draw the diagrams.

9. Don't put your head down on the desk/look tired/stare straight ahead/tip your chair back. Always look busy and attentive, 'cause otherwise Mr. Clark will tell you to go and get a drink.

10. Make sure your questions sound intelligent.

11. Don't talk to your neighbors. Mr. Clark doesn't like it.

12. Pick good lab/table partners, 'cause you're stuck with them for the whole semester.

13. Never do homework in his class.

14. Always bring your field book and never bring your phone.

15. Turn in money for the AP test and field trip before the deadline, because they go on your grade. Also, the field trip is required. Don't worry; it's way fun.

HELP ME!!! (please?)

Speak responses are turned in. Phew.

Now for the real post. I am not doing so great in my History class because I suck at retaining information from reading the chapters. I've failed all but one of the five review quizzes (I'm not the only one; 8 other kids failed them too, and there are 10 kids total in the class including me), and I need to make up some points in order to pull off at least a B.

Does anyone have any ideas whatsoever for historical poetry? I've drawn a blank and need some serious prompts. Any time period, but preferably in the United States (wars, rumors of wars, politics, general ideals of the country, emblems, what have you). And yes, I can make a list, but that doesn't mean I can come up with anything. Ugh!

Got anything? Post them in the comments, and I'll post anything I come up with for you! Promise. :)

Ta.

disappearing act...

I have been absolutely depressed, miserable, melancholy, blue, insecure, whatever you want to call it, for days. I've watched all three of the Pirates of the Caribbean films three times in three days. I've ate too much junk food, sluffed too much class (yes, sluffed is a word), and had too much sleep. So, I went to school on Friday, had a pleasant run-in with before mentioned boy, and decided to take his advice and try to be happier. So I'm blogging again. Like I said, you can't avoid contact with human life forms forever, online or off.

Okay. I will be posting the poems I missed this week in a post later this evening ('cause I did write them, but I lost the papers somewhere in the Davy Jone's Locker of my backpack and need to strike some sort of bargain with Jack Sparrow and Will Turner to help me find them again [do I have anything they'd want? Not really.]), along with a short summary of what happened each day during the week. More for my benefit than for yours, because this week has been pretty much boring and a waste of my life. But I want to be able to remember it.

Now I'm going to do laundry (not mine. My dad's, because he totally butt in line in front of my basket. :P), shower (hurray for hot water! It's actually working! More on that later...), and go shopping. Double hurray for coupons, no?

Oh! My friend got asked to Prom. YAY, COTY!!!

eh?

I wrote a few poems last night for my English class. Q helped to edit one of them. Thanks, friend! Wanna read it? Of course you do.

I need help with a title though. There are two options that I like: Specters' Secrets and Wind Whispers, but I don't know which one works best. Comment after you read and tell me which one you like the best, okay?

Gently, gently sighs the wind,
Whispers, whispers, near my door.
Stories, stories does it spin.
Enter, enter; tell me more.

Words and phrases twirl in air;
Pictures form inside my mind.
Specters enter, hard I stare.
Enter, enter; my soul bind.

Slowly growing, songs they sing.
Voices present on the coil.
Pain and laughter they do bring.
Distant shadows, specters toil.

Whisper softly to me friend,
Burdens set down to their end.

It's supposed to be a Shakespearean sonnet-it's not even close. Well, the rhyme is, but not the meter. I tried to get it into iambic pentameter because the teacher said to try, but it didn't work. Can't force poetry; it just ain't gonna happen.

I can hardly hear at all, and my ears are constantly ringing. I looked up the antibiotic stuff that I've been taking, and it mentioned that hearing loss could happen and if it did then it was bad. Great. I've finished taking all of the doses, so hopefully it'll stop. It's so weird. And pretty annoying.

Shall I share my limerick with you, too? Nah, not today. Too much poetry in one post gets boring. I'm done. :)

word to the wise...

As a heads up, it is probably not a good idea to check your grades right before bedtime. Stuff of nightmares and all that jazz.

I know this is an extra post for the day, but I thought I'd warn you. Just so you know, is all. Or maybe it's to remind myself.

cabin fever...

I FINALLY got out of the house today. I've been going nuts to see something other than my messy house. It was for school, but heck, one of my favorite places on Earth was the location!!!

My sister and I had the opportunity for extra credit in our science classes, and of course we were going to take it! The public library (I ADORE the library) is having a series of lectures on different sciences. Tonight I drove Meghan and myself over to the library, and we had a lovely time learning about Forensic Sciences and Crime Scene Investigation. I took some notes to show my teacher, and I'll be going to three or four more. Excited!!!

While at the library, I ran into Suzzie. I love that girl so much. She's amazing! We looked at books together and each recommended some. I think I handed her one or two, and she handed me four or five. We both love to read, but she's read a greater variety than I have. I'm excited to try the books she gave me.

Now I need advice: my chest has been hurting a lot. Each time I cough, sharp pain runs through my chest, and it's getting harder and harder to breath. Should I or should I not go to the doctor again?

listless...

I have homework to do, a room to clean, laundry to finish, and mutual to go to...but I just don't feel capable of doing anything. Why is that?