today, i feel like i suck...

It's just been one of those days.

Ever since I got out of bed this morning, I've felt completely stupid in all areas of my life. I can't seem to get everything done, or done as well as things need to be done.

I'm so stressed out by work. I used to love my job -- now, it's like hell. I turn around and there's another enormous project that needs starting. My to-do list grows and grows and grows by the hour with people wanting this done or that done or these things finished and hey, remember that one thing from last week that still isn't finished?

I can't keep up. There are 7 employees hired in my department. Guess who comes in to work?

Me.

I'm doing the work of 7 people -- even when people come in, I still end up doing most of the work. If I was a part-time employee, it'd just be part of the job, you know? As a student, though, there are things that I really can't do, especially once school starts.

I hate going in to work because I know that the second I step in the office, there will be more to do -- and I'm the one expected to do it. I hate constantly worrying that I'm going to get in trouble for things I'm doing my best to cover.

I have to work, though -- I need the money, and I need the job experience for my career goals. And I do like the job, most of the time.

Money. Another area of my life in which I have felt uber sucky today. I cannot seem to save money. I'm a compulsive spender -- this school year will be dedicated to changing that trait. I'm creating saving plans that do not involve plastic cards, because ever since I got a debit card, my financial life went crazy. I did realize today that I've had $200+ in coins in a shoebox for a year without touching it, and I'm starting to think that's a pretty good way to go -- cashing in coins is too much of a hassle to do regularly, and buying things with all nickels and dimes is embarrassing (to me).

There. Less sucky. Although the thought that I've made almost $5,000 this year and have literally none of it makes me want to punch myself.

We'll start today with saving money. No more spending it on stupid things -- rent and groceries are no longer an issue, as I'm living with the parents again (one upside). And so, save away.

sigh...

I feel so fat.

Now, hear me out, hear me out.

I honestly have gained weight in the last six months. I've been trying to do more to manage it. Eat better (or eat in general), get more sleep, drink lots of water. The hardest part for me has been exercise.

Not for lack of trying. It's not that I don't exercise. It's that when I do, I end up stuck on my couch for two or three days because of the pain that follows.

Take today, for example. I had plans to clean the entire house from top to bottom, you know, to get it ready for when Chels comes home tomorrow. I had plans to bake cookies for her and Jeff, to welcome her home. I was going to go out for another half hour of interval training.

Nope.

I can barely walk -- I can barely even sit down.

And so, I'm sitting in my too tight jeans on the couch, doing homework while watching Cake Boss (because it's freakin' amazing how they make those cakes and I love it), trying not to curse myself and everything else out of frustration.

Because cursing doesn't help anything.

Does anyone have any ideas about how to get some exercise that doesn't leave me useless for days? Here's what I've tried so far:
yoga (yeah -- even that hurts -- :P )
walking
interval training
water aerobics
dance (of many kinds)

I'm going to try and bake cookies now. Yay!

the last three days...

Thursday I spent the afternoon and evening with the Raddatz family. Kyle and I were both so tired that we decided we needed to go on an adventure to keep from falling asleep on the couch. We went to Walmart and bought treats!! $25 worth of candy, chips, nuts...both of us were kind of embarrassed when we went to the counter to pay for it all. Kyle made a comment to me that it's a good thing that we have a big family (and yes, he did say "we") because there's no way we could eat all of that by ourselves. The lady at the counter smiled at that. Kyle also bought me a shirt, which is totally adorable!! He told me it's a very late birthday present. It's got a picture of a little white dog that looks like Misty on it, with fireworks behind her. I'm going to wear it for the David Archuleta/Brad Paisley concert on July 2!!

Jason, Sister Raddatz, and I went on an adventure of our own after dinner. Jason had mentioned to his mom that he wanted to go see a movie called Water for Elephants, which is about a vet student who joins a circus. Jason is studying to be a vet, too. Brother Raddatz gets free movie tickets from his work, and he was being "stubborn" about giving them to Jason and his wife. He really would have, but he loves to tease. Me, though? All I had to do was flutter my eyelashes and say please. He gave me three free ticket vouchers and sent us on our way!!

While we were waiting in line to get tickets, Jason and I found some coins. He didn't know what to do with them, so I suggested that we go race the coins in this...I don't know what it's called...coin racer thing that the mall has right by the movie theater. It's a round shaped funnel that you drop a coin onto, and it spins in circles down the funnel into a hole. There were a couple of guys about my age playing, and one of them challenged my dime to a race against his quarter. Surprisingly, my dime won. Barely. Jason and I raced our remaining coins, and mine "cheated", taking an oval shaped path instead of a circular one. Not my fault. Jason said it was more proof that women are evil. I "hit" him. It wasn't my fault that the coin cheated!! All I did was drop it in!! We're so dumb, lol.

As we were watching the movie, I was really glad that Sister Raddatz came. There were a couple of awkward moments in the film, and it would have been even more awkward if it had just been Jason and me!!

My car got sprayed with soda pop while we were in the theater. Sometimes I get really mad at people's stupidity.

Friday was kind of lame in some ways. I didn't do anything that whole day. I just didn't feel like it. Every time I tried to get up and do something productive I was too tired. I did clean the bathroom, so there's one accomplishment.

The evening was less wasted. Jaden invited my sisters and me to a party at his house. I think he was mad at me or something. He didn't even give me a hug when I gave him the CD I told him I'd bring, and he didn't say hello at all until I kind of made him. I wonder if it was because I didn't watch the movie that they picked. I don't watch horror movies--he knows that. But the movie was later in the evening, not when I first got there. He acted that way towards Amanda and Kayla, too. It could have something to do with him having a girlfriend. Whatevs. The three of us left early, because of the movie.

We had a grand adventure at Walmart. We bought drinks and string cheese and a Nerf gun for me. The gun that I wanted wasn't stocked on the shelves, so Kayla found a "super cute worker" to ask if they had any left. The guy found some in the storage room and brought one out to me. Nothing like buyin' a gun to make a girl feel better!! Haha. I am now ready to take on the Raddatz boys. With my OWN weapon. Ha!!

Hanging out with Kayla is really fun. I'm glad that Amanda and I have had a chance to become better friends with her since we did "Joseph" last year. She's really awesome, and such a sweetheart.

Saturday has been a waste of a day. I've just had no energy to do anything at all. I did get dressed, which I consider an accomplishment, lame as it may be. I just can't work up the energy or the will power to do anything.

I hope tomorrow will be better. And that I don't get lost trying to find a friend's church house to sing with LDC. Haha...we'll see.

blaster bolts...

There's nothing like a three hour Nerf war to improve your aim and accuracy.

Unless of course you took a shooting class at a legit shooting range. Then you'd probably improve even more. But for my purposes, the practice I had today was good enough.

I got recruited to help the girls' team in the already heated battle taking place at the Raddatz home. It was just Ruthie and Amy (the latter girl mentioned is 3) against Jason, Kyle, and Makay. We girls got a base arranged in the little play house but had to change tactics after Jason single-handedly stole all of our extra ammunition AND pelted each of us with darts.

Change of tactic: Ruthie would hold the ground areas. I took to the roof. And yes, I had permission from the parents.

Me. On the roof. Say what? Yeah, that's what I was thinking. But I got up there without dying, and I stayed up there for a long time without dying, too. Sniping the boys from above was super fun, especially when Jason got past me and climbed up as well. We probably looked like maniacs, scampering about the roof chasing each other with Nerf guns. I mean, how old are we? Haha...I don't want to talk about it.

After a three hour battle, Jason declared me and Ruthie the winners. Do you have any idea how amazing that is, for him to actually admit to us beating him? He's done it before, but never so openly and with such...hm...almost respect! It was very satisfying, haha!

I've gotten to be a pretty good shot with a Nerf gun. The only bad thing about that is I'm good at hitting people in the face. Only the boys, but still. I got Jason in the cheek and the dart stuck for a second. He started laughing and said that everybody was going to wonder where he got the hickey on his face. Hickeys...ew. Yeah, I'm mature, lol. I have no idea why I said what I did, but I told him that his answer was easy: tell them he got it from me. That made his whole family fall apart laughing, especially his mom and dad. Yeah...it was after one in the morning. I get a little ca-wazy. I am just so incredibly mature it surprises me! NOT.

Perhaps it's silly and childish (not perhaps about it, it is silly and childish) to get such a kick out of being able to hit the center of a picture from 15 feet away with a dart tipped with a suction cup, or to be able to get a dart to hit your friend in the back of the head, but it's really fun. I guess I've found a hidden talent for shooting stuff. Great! Now I know that I can rap and I can kill things. Or pretend to kill things.

sneak attack(s)...

I slept in WAY too late today. Yes, it was only for about 8 hours (5:30am-1:30[ish]pm), but still. Bad action.

Since I was up so late, I decided that it would be a good time to take Misty to Petsmart for a little adventure. We both got bored of walking around the store very quickly, so we went home. I called Sister Raddatz just to say hello, and ended up volunteering to pick up her daughter, Mandy, from school. We had an enjoyable ride home, just us girls.

One thing I must remember: if the boys know you're coming over, be prepared the moment you step onto the front porch. Jason was sitting in a chair in the front room reading a book. I said hello and hugged his mom, and the next thing I know I'm being pelted with foam darts from both behind and in front of me. Good old Kyle asked for Nerf guns for his birthday, and Jason bought one for himself. Mandy and I were on a team against Jason and Kyle, and it was quite enjoyable. I don't know why, but I'm rather good at hitting people if I'm not aiming. If I aim then it usually misses by a couple of inches.

The boys decided that they wanted to get my sisters as well. They went with me to pick Meghan up from school and tried to suprise her with a scary mask and the dart guns, but Meghan is hard to scare. Most of the time she'll roll her eyes and laugh. She's a good one to have if you're planning a sneak attack, though. She gets super into it and is so subtle and chill that she can get a target totally preoccupied and relaxed. Like my sister Amanda, for example.

Jason called Amanda before we went to my house, asking if she was home and when Amanda answered, he hung up. We started planning right away. Meghan and I were to go inside and get her all situated while Kyle and Jason waited for my text outside on the corner. This went pretty well (Amanda is hard to lure, but like I said, Meghan is a good one to have on your team). I went outside under the pretense of mailing a letter, which Amanda took to mean I was sending a letter to one of my mission friends (I did send him a letter today, but it was before our whole sneak attack mission). I snuck the boys into the house, and they went up behind Amanda while she was talking to Meghan.

I think it is quite possible that Jason stood right behind Amanda for about a minute and a half. She didn't notice he was there at all until he commented on her conversation. She turned around and freaked out. Amanda's freak outs don't include screaming. It's the look of utter shock and the quiet, "Oh. My. Gosh. You. SCARED. Me. SO. BAD." Mission accomplished.

Here's a sneak attack that gets me: when a friend who is a boy does something out of character. Like today. A friend was standing next to me, and he reached his arm around my waist and pulled me close to him, then wrapped me in a huge hug. He doesn't hug first, at least not me. I can only think of one other time when he's initiated a hug. It caught me off guard a bit. It was nice. Really nice, in fact, just...out of character.

Whatevs. At least it wasn't awkward, like when litle Amy started playing with the buttons on my shirt and then decided it would be fun to unbutton them. And not to just try and get one or two, but ALL of them, even when I was trying to get her to stop. Now that was awkward.

attack...

My last final for the semester was this morning. I finished it in about ten minutes, due to the fact that all of the questions and answers were taken directly from the quizzes given throughout the semester. After taking the test I walked to my car, drove home, went to my bedroom, and stood in the middle of the floor looking around. Here are the thoughts I had:

This room...disaster. How did I let it get this bad? Hm...I have no more homework to do. I have no tests to study for. I have no papers to write. I have nothing to read. I have nowhere to go. I will probably be very bored in about, eh, five minutes. I have time. Why not? I have nothing to stop me. Heck. It'd be freakin' stupid to let this room stay like this. That's it. I'm doing this.

Charge! I attacked my bedroom, starting with all of the stuff under the bed. Then, with a little bit of guilt and almost a few tears, I boxed up all of my stuffed animals. ALL of them. And I had to consciously remind myself (out loud) that stuffed animals do not have feelings, and that at 19 years old I shouldn't be worrying that they would be sad and afraid and betrayed sitting in a box in the corner of my bedroom. That ordeal over, I started on the bookshelves.

By that time (and currently) I started wondering why in the world I have so much junk. Seriously, I don't know why I've kept half of the stuff that I threw away today or put in a pile to donate or sell. I'm not even finished yet! I have little piles all over my floor that I still need to sort through, mostly loose papers and random odds and ends. I didn't even touch all of my clean clothes that I need to put away. They're sitting in a laundry basket at the end of the bed. Clothes need to be sorted through, too. And the dresser. And the closet.

Ugh. I probably should have waited to start this project until after choir tour. BUT, the bookshelves look great! Progress!


PS I was much more obsessed with Star Wars when I was younger than I ever realized. I've found so much stuff! Books, posters, toys, games, holy crap. I sure have the Force with me; there's little bits of it all over my room! It's kind of embarrassing, looking back. Gah. I was such a nerd in junior high! And the pictures of Hayden Christensen that keep turning up? Haha...to quote Jason (complete with eye roll and slight shudder), "Thank goodness you outgrew THAT phase!!"

PPS I'm very glad that my psych professor waited until the last week of classes to cut his hair. He was cute before, but this new haircut is extremely flattering. When he walked in the room, I totally forgot about the final. He's so cute it's distracting.

pain killers...

Do you ever have days (or weeks or months) where things just seem to hurt? Circumstances and experiences, memories, whatever, things just sometimes are really, really, really hard. It's part of life, pain. All types of it.

I have found some pain killers this weekend that work very well. Some of them are surprising, and others not so much, but each one has made things a little easier to deal with.

1. Doing math problems


I have no concrete reason for why this helps. By all rights I call myself crazy for including this. However, I have a theory: when I'm focused on computations and numbers, I don't have time to think about all of the things that are bothering me. I only have space in my head to calculate numbers and remember theorums and formulas. Those are problems I can solve. There is also an answer key so when I do get stuck, I can work through problems step by step until I can do it perfectly on my own.

2. Running through the rain
I've been praying for a really good storm to happen at a time that I could go out and play in it. Today, my prayer was answered. Yes, it didn't really rain today, but close enough. It hailed, a super big cloud burst of ice and freezing water that left puddles in seconds. I put on my shoes and ran out into the storm, my only goal to get totally soaked in as little time as possible (boy, did I get wet). There was something incredible about running as fast as I could through the ice, my hair blowing in my face and water soaking into my clothes and shoes. It was so cold, and I felt more alive than I have in a long time. Some of the ache seemed to wash away. Every time I purposefully splashed through a puddle, or tipped my head to the sky while twirling in circles in the road, I felt free.

3. Flowers
My parents gave me a bouquet of roses at my last concert with LDC. Emilyann brought me a bouquet of flowers yesterday for Easter, saying she knew I'd been really stressed and wanted me to know that she loves me. Her adorable little siblings came, too. They are the sweetest kids, just like their big sister. Flowers are beautiful. Here. I'll show you. The first picture is of the flowers from Emilyann. The second is the bouquet from my parents:



Need I say more about flowers? They say enough for themselves. :)

4. Puppies
My dog is adorable. She's not really a puppy anymore, but she's still a sweetheart. I love my little Misty.



5. Friends


Yes, sometimes friends create more pain than they are worth--or so it would seem. Something I've been trying to remember is that while some people may walk away, the Lord puts people in their place. During this whole adventure with Aries, I've found that my heart is full of more people than I ever could have imagined. I have so many incredible people in my life. They help me every day, whether through bringing flowers like Emilyann did, shooting me a text message to say hello, sitting by me so I'm not totally alone, letting me spend time with them and their families, or just saying hello while walking across campus and running into me...I have super awesome people to hang out with. From friends I made in high school to new ones in college, I am so blessed.





6. My Family
I'm not kind enough to my family. They put up with me anyway. I don't know why they do it. Even on the days when I'm super grumpy and unhappy, they still make an effort to show that they love me. It amazes me that they care so much. I don't know why they do. I'm grateful for them though, that they do keep me around and try to help, even when I don't think I want any help. I love them so much. They're wonderful.



I have cute sisters, don't I? They are probably two of my bestest friends in the world. Yeah, we fight, but these two are part of the few who know me well enough to get me to smile even when I am determined not to.





These are some of the natural pain killers I have found. They tend to work better than Ibuprofen or Tylenol (those make me nauseous anyway). I know that some days will be harder than others, no matter how hard I try to be happy and to recognize all of the good. Sometimes it's just hard. Still, I'm grateful for the little things, like rain and flowers and good times with good people. To me, those things aren't so little. They're huge, because they make all the difference in my life.

gotcha...

Last night I was at the Raddatz family's home, and the kids and I played hide n' seek. I texted Jason about the game while he was at work, and he was very disappointed that he didn't get to play.

Well, today the game continued, only with Jason around it was much more intense. It started out with he and Kyle shooting one another with rubber bands. Then they decided that I'd be a much better target, and ganged up on me for fun. Pretty soon it was the two boys against me and and the three kidlets. I didn't do very well at hiding...I wasn't sure of any good places to hide or which places were off limits. Jason said I did well despite those disadvantages. I suppose that's praise?

The best/worst parts of the game were when I was hiding in the basement pantry. It locks from the outside, so I figured I could hide out in there and one of the kids could lock me in. With the latch across the door, Jason and Kyle wouldn't know I was in there. It worked for awhile, but they eventually found me. Little did I know the reason why it took them so long to find me...

Only your best friends will chase you around the house with rubber bands and dart guns, then while you are waiting out the hunt hide one of your shoes in the mailbox and the other in a tire swing, put your keys in the bottom of the potato basket, and park your car around the block. Yep. Jason and Kyle took all of my things and hid them (thankfully I still had my phone on my person though).

Jason did take pity on my efforts to find everything (maybe it was pity, or maybe it was the fact that my dad called and said I needed to come home asap to go to dinner with my family) and started playing the hot and cold game so I could locate my belongings. Yeah...only your best friends take your stuff then make you find everything, all the while laughing at your frustration and threats of bodily harm.

Can I just say now that Jason is amazing? Yes, he makes me SO "mad" sometimes, and he's much more clever than I am when it comes to pranks and games. I can't keep up with his genius plans. But he really is amazing. His whole family is awesome!! I don't know what I'd do without them. From Brother Raddatz down to little Amy, I love them all so much.

Oh, and note: Jason gives great hugs. Just sayin'.

the war begins...

...this. is. so...


...hard...

...and it's only day one...

I knew it would be hard. I knew it would be super hard, but never like this. There have been two thoughts in my mind, constant, no matter what I may be doing. The first concerns the aforementioned Aries and my confusion, fear, and hurt by our mutual failures and betrayals. That's no news-it's been going on for weeks. The second, however, was never this constant, this, well, urgent.

It's because of last night. Before there was always an outlet for the barrage of thoughts. There was a way to get rid of the persistent badgering because the tools were actually available (and no, I don't do drugs). But now they're gone, because I decided to get rid of them. I decided I was going to fight the voices of "you can't", "you're a loser", "you deserve the pain, and you know it will help". Instead of embracing the pricking words as truth, I would throw them off into the dirt and walk away.

These voices have proven to be worthy opponents.

I have entered a battle that I was not prepared for. I've actually been in the thick of the conflict for some time, but I never made a true stand. There was never any push on my part, to thwart the advances of fear and sorrow and self-hatred. Now I have begun to stand fast against the onslaught of lies that my head and heart listen to.

But I am truly not prepared. The voices and feelings, perhaps even chemicals in my body, are strong (or not strong enough, if it still is chemical). They jab in the weakest places, because they know them all. They have been advancing steadily for years; all of the soft spots are well mapped. Onward they charge, throwing all of their force at the still open wounds.

And, somehow, I seem to have misplaced my shield.