today, i feel like i suck...

It's just been one of those days.

Ever since I got out of bed this morning, I've felt completely stupid in all areas of my life. I can't seem to get everything done, or done as well as things need to be done.

I'm so stressed out by work. I used to love my job -- now, it's like hell. I turn around and there's another enormous project that needs starting. My to-do list grows and grows and grows by the hour with people wanting this done or that done or these things finished and hey, remember that one thing from last week that still isn't finished?

I can't keep up. There are 7 employees hired in my department. Guess who comes in to work?

Me.

I'm doing the work of 7 people -- even when people come in, I still end up doing most of the work. If I was a part-time employee, it'd just be part of the job, you know? As a student, though, there are things that I really can't do, especially once school starts.

I hate going in to work because I know that the second I step in the office, there will be more to do -- and I'm the one expected to do it. I hate constantly worrying that I'm going to get in trouble for things I'm doing my best to cover.

I have to work, though -- I need the money, and I need the job experience for my career goals. And I do like the job, most of the time.

Money. Another area of my life in which I have felt uber sucky today. I cannot seem to save money. I'm a compulsive spender -- this school year will be dedicated to changing that trait. I'm creating saving plans that do not involve plastic cards, because ever since I got a debit card, my financial life went crazy. I did realize today that I've had $200+ in coins in a shoebox for a year without touching it, and I'm starting to think that's a pretty good way to go -- cashing in coins is too much of a hassle to do regularly, and buying things with all nickels and dimes is embarrassing (to me).

There. Less sucky. Although the thought that I've made almost $5,000 this year and have literally none of it makes me want to punch myself.

We'll start today with saving money. No more spending it on stupid things -- rent and groceries are no longer an issue, as I'm living with the parents again (one upside). And so, save away.

sometimes I'm dumb...

I've often imagined what it would be like if confronted with my worst nightmare. Usually I end up heroic, speaking eloquently and powerfully, standing up for myself and leaving with a firm, final statement that ends everything and turning on my heel, leaving the room with a metaphorical bang.

In reality, I ran as though chased by a horde of Mordor orcs and hid in a bathroom stall, sobbing. And then sobbing at home on my couch with my room mate and friend. And then crying in my room. And then staying up all night because I couldn't sleep.

My nightmares came alive last night -- and it was awful. More awful than I imagined. I was pathetic. I panicked and ran like a child. I cried and cried, so hard that strangers stopped me and tried to help.

I was so stupid. So stupid, stubborn -- Miss Independent, thinking she'd be fine on her own, that no way would anything happen, that I'd be left alone. So many people, odds in my favor. Psh. I'm an idiot. 

I wish I was braver. I wish I'd been able to stand up for myself and tell it like it really is. To end it, once and for all.

But I couldn't do it. Chelsea and Kenna told me that running was good, and that it was even brave, because I got out of the situation. They were so nice to me last night, letting me cry and sitting with me. They even let me say what I was really thinking, and they didn't judge me for it (I used a couple of words that I save only for certain occasions -- funnily enough, I don't feel guilty). 

I want to sleep. I'm so tired -- this day has been so, so hard. Thank goodness it's almost over. But, I'm glad to be at school. 

Nobody can find me here.

you are so dumb...

Do you ever do something that, in the moment, makes you very happy? And then later, thinking about it, you just feel dumb?

Well. I'm feeling dumb today. Super dumb. I almost wish that I had been needed to work a double shift so that I wasn't stuck at home thinking about things.

It's a good night for a movie. Adios, amigos.

jumping on the zombie wagon...

Ever since the beginning of the zombie craze that has swept the world of cyberspace, I have wondered at how something so gruesome and creepy could ever be popular. Zombie books, zombie films, zombie TV shows, zombie memes, zombie zombie zombie everything -- all packed full of brain-seeking, limb-twitching, face-pulling, moan-making living dead creatures.

Not appealing. Not at all.

I'll admit that I've read my share of zombie themed YA fantasy and sci-fi novels. The Forest of Hands and Teeth is a particularly interesting read. It was fascinating because of the detail and, well. The title and cover art alone were enough to make me pick it up off of the shelf (yes, I do choose books based on their covers). But other than that, I've never been into the "genre." It's always creeped me out.

Thanks to Parker, though, I took my shot at entering the zombie media. He invited me to auditions for a music video that is being put together by his brother. I had no desire to audition, but since I only get to see Parker every once in awhile, I decided to go and say hi, maybe watch some people show their stuff. No way in heck was I going to try out though. Do you have any idea how stupid people look when pretending to be zombies? Pretty darn stupid. In a highly entertaining sort of way.

Of course, Parker tried to get me to audition. So did his brothers, sister, and sister-in-law who were there. I was too scared though, and too afraid. I watched and found myself wishing that I could have a shot. It was a short-lived wish, though. Too scared. I didn't want to look dumb.

After saying good-bye to Parker and heading home, I started re-thinking my decision to not try out. I inventoried the reasons why I hadn't done it. 1) I was afraid I'd look like an idiot, 2) there was a very good chance I'd look like an idiot, fear aside, and 3) the only thing I know about zombies is from books and memes -- I've never actually seen a film or show that has them in it, so I didn't know how they moved or sounded or anything.

Sitting at a stoplight, I realized that the main thing holding me back was fear of looking stupid. Then a new fear crept in. It was a fear that if I didn't try out, I'd get home and regret it, especially when the video comes out. I'll see it, and it'll probably be cool, and I'll think "Girl, you are so stupid. You totally could have had a chance at being in this -- and you chickened out. Just like everything else you've ever not done."

That was it. I turned the car around and drove back, thinking up potential movement I could do when I got back. I ran into the room, and when Parker's sister Whitney asked if I'd changed my mind, I said, "YES. Because I'm tired of missing out on things because I was too afraid to try -- I'm not doing that today."

And guess what? All of them clapped for me! All of these grown-ups who had been trying to get me to try out for two hours clapped. One of them, I don't even remember her name, told me that she was proud of me. They didn't even know me, but they didn't treat me like I was dumb or silly or immature (which I am).

So I tried out! I had no idea what I was doing, and my face was red the whole time, and I kept giggling -- but I did it! It was scary, and my legs felt like jell-o, but I did it. And now I'm sitting here in my house not feeling sad or regretful -- I feel good. 

Was I scared? You bet. Did I look stupid? Of course. But did I do it? Yep. I did. Take that, zombies. I'm not scared of you.

no more cookies...

Never, ever, ever eat an entire package of Chips Ahoy! Reese's Chocolate Chip cookies by yourself in one afternoon. It is a terrible idea. Do not do it.

I think I'm done with cookies for awhile.