nothing to do but do...

A phrase comes up a lot in conversation these days. I say it, my friends say it, my family members say it -- after we take turns detailing the hard things that we're facing or the stresses brought on by work, school, health, and other things, we say with a shrug and a half-sort of smile, "Eh. What can you do?"

It's as though it's a socially constructed way of saying, "Thank you for listening to my problems, and don't try to help me -- I just needed to talk."

It's true, in a lot of ways. So many things just have to be done, regardless of the difficulty or the heartache. Life doesn't stop for anyone. Unless you happen to have a billion dollars in your bank account, of course -- then you can tell the world what to do and it has to listen. Money talks a lot louder than anything else.

I keep looking at the things in my life and I'm sometimes amazed that I get anything done. I'm honestly baffled that I'm accomplishing anything at all.

Sometimes I look at other people's lives and feel grateful that I don't have their struggles. They're so strong -- sometimes it makes me feel even weaker -- I couldn't do what they're doing.

Everybody's got something. For me, and for everybody else -- despite the physical pain which grows worse by the day, the emotional issues that creep in the background, the lack of sleep due to nightmares and pain, and the immense anxiety caused by deadlines, health problems, bills, and what-have-you -- we just keep going.

Eh. What can you do?

Everything, apparently.

today, i feel like i suck...

It's just been one of those days.

Ever since I got out of bed this morning, I've felt completely stupid in all areas of my life. I can't seem to get everything done, or done as well as things need to be done.

I'm so stressed out by work. I used to love my job -- now, it's like hell. I turn around and there's another enormous project that needs starting. My to-do list grows and grows and grows by the hour with people wanting this done or that done or these things finished and hey, remember that one thing from last week that still isn't finished?

I can't keep up. There are 7 employees hired in my department. Guess who comes in to work?

Me.

I'm doing the work of 7 people -- even when people come in, I still end up doing most of the work. If I was a part-time employee, it'd just be part of the job, you know? As a student, though, there are things that I really can't do, especially once school starts.

I hate going in to work because I know that the second I step in the office, there will be more to do -- and I'm the one expected to do it. I hate constantly worrying that I'm going to get in trouble for things I'm doing my best to cover.

I have to work, though -- I need the money, and I need the job experience for my career goals. And I do like the job, most of the time.

Money. Another area of my life in which I have felt uber sucky today. I cannot seem to save money. I'm a compulsive spender -- this school year will be dedicated to changing that trait. I'm creating saving plans that do not involve plastic cards, because ever since I got a debit card, my financial life went crazy. I did realize today that I've had $200+ in coins in a shoebox for a year without touching it, and I'm starting to think that's a pretty good way to go -- cashing in coins is too much of a hassle to do regularly, and buying things with all nickels and dimes is embarrassing (to me).

There. Less sucky. Although the thought that I've made almost $5,000 this year and have literally none of it makes me want to punch myself.

We'll start today with saving money. No more spending it on stupid things -- rent and groceries are no longer an issue, as I'm living with the parents again (one upside). And so, save away.

breaking...

Really.

It's the only word I can use to describe the way my life appears right now.

Nothing is working out. No matter where I turn or what I attempt, things fall apart. Often it's not my fault.

Like the fact that the IRS doesn't recognize my social security/address combination, and so there is now an issue with my financial aid. It clearly states my address and social security number on my tax return -- figure it out, government. Oh, wait -- that's too much to ask, isn't it?

Like the fact that I suddenly went from registered for ECON 110 to being 106th on the wait list and I'm a SENIOR.

Like the fact that I have to take ECON 110 at all.

Like the fact that I'm completely alone at home this week because my room mate is out of town in Disneyland, on a vacation that I thought I was going on as well. I'm still not sure why he broke up with me. At least I didn't buy a plane ticket.

Like the fact that my presentation partner flaked out on me and I ended up doing almost all of the work. NEVER have I had such awful groups, EVER, like I have here at BYU. Seriously, I have never had a good group at this college. Of all places -- where we profess to be hardworking and honest and dependable. Guess it's one of those things that's easy to say, right?

Like the fact that my dad is getting sicker, and his company still makes him travel. HELLO. HE HAS CANCER. If you're reading this, dad's employer, I am NOT happy with you. Yeah. My dad's cancer is terminal. He's DYING. And you -- for the sake of the all-mighty dollar -- are making it worse.

Like the fact that my dad really is dying. How fast or how slow, I have no idea. Having that hanging over me all of the time is absolutely horrific.

Like the fact that my ex-fiance treats me like a girlfriend -- that, though, I have more control over. And let me tell you -- that will stop. So help me, it's going to stop.

Like the fact that no matter how well I eat, or how much I exercise, I'm still gaining weight.

Like the fact that no matter how often I pray, or count my blessings, or do nice things for other people, I cannot shake the anxiety and fear that threaten to envelop me every day.

Wow.

What a rant of negativity. Sorry about that -- I feel better though.

falling apart...

So the doctor appointment fell through.

                        A pay raise also fell through.

                                            Going on vacation this summer fell through.

                                                                             Housing for summer fell through.

                                                                                                 And the engagement fell through.

But no worries. I have a great life.

I wrote a fairly decent 15 page paper in 8 hours.

I got 100% on my group presentation for Sociology.

I got assigned to review the entire Jimmy Stewart collection at work (talk about a summer project).

I was put in charge of the Cecil B. DeMille collection (over 1,000 boxes of material that need to be processed or catalogued and numbered, which I will be supervising -- talk about a summer AND fall project).

I have parents and sisters who call, text, and email me on a frequent basis to check on me and say hello.

I have an awesome room mate.

I have three wonderful dogs.

And I (still) have a great boyfriend.

Life's good.

i may be a bit depressed...

Rather than sit at my desk and beat myself up for feeling depressed (because that always helps), I am now an objective observer.

Okay.

My stomach is in knots and I constantly fight throwing up. I think I'm nervous about something, that something being something I have yet to discover (or perhaps I haven't let myself examine in detail?).

Headaches are again a common occurrence, as is a sort of painful fatigue in the limbs, joints, and muscles of my body. The only routine change I can think of is adding yoga back into my life (never thought I'd miss that, but I do), but last semester it always made me feel better. I still feel better after completing a session.

Honestly, I'm always close to tears. I have to be super careful about not letting things set me off (like a song on the radio, a joking remark from a friend, coworker, family member, etc., a low score, among other things).

When I sleep, I have nightmares. When I don't sleep, well. That's no good for anyone.

This self-exam is leading to evaluating what I'm thinking about, or evaluating what I'm not letting myself admit that I'm thinking about. And so. I will now put it in writing and make it legitimate.

1. I am, without a doubt, absolutely terrified of getting married. Don't get me wrong, I. Love. Adam. So. Much. And I want to be with him forever. All of our talk, though, and the continual progression towards marriage is scaring me to death. Not all of the time, but more often than I let myself admit.
2. Spending money on a ring...ugh. That is probably the thing I worry about the most.
3. Neck and neck with that is planning a wedding without causing serious conflict between family members. Shoot me now. But at least my family likes Adam. That's one less thing to worry about.
4. Finals are in two weeks for me -- my classes don't have finals like the rest of the university does. I'm so behind, and this has been the hardest, worst semester academics-wise for me in my entire life.
5. Finding a place to live is going to be a nightmare -- and that's after going through the difficulty of moving back home in June when the House owners come back.

Huh. No wonder I feel sick -- never have I faced such huge changes in my life.

Boo. I don't like feeling sad and worried and sick. And I really, really don't like crying. Nor do I have the time to do so.

oh, gosh...

I don't know what it is, but I keep getting hit with this head-aching, toe-curling, stomach-twisting, heart-wrenching panic.

All night and all day long I've been fighting throwing up or collapsing into a sobbing heap on the floor. Not kidding -- it's almost happened.

Maybe it's the semester coming to a close, with so much to do.
Maybe it's the amount of work I've been given at the library, now that Jeff is leaving.
Maybe it's the lack of money in my bank account.
Maybe it's the idea of moving home in a couple of months.
Maybe it's the pain in my body that never quite goes away.
Maybe it's the fear of losing everything I hold most dear.
Maybe it's the thought of leaving Kala when I move.
Maybe it's the guilt that often creeps into my mind, for seemingly no reason.

Perhaps it's time to go home now. I don't know what it is about work, but every time I come down here, I feel incredibly anxious. Which is silly, because it's not like anything or anyone can get to me down here. All doors require security access, and even if you shot the sensors or the door, you couldn't get it open (Jeff explained it once, but I don't remember how that works). Although, there are several dozens of feet of duct work, shelving, books, concrete, wood, furniture, computers, dirt, and students above my head.

Pray there's not an earthquake while anyone is in the library, yeah?

waiting...

As some of you know, I haven't had the best health for the past two years or so. For a few months, I was improving, and I was excited to get back into "normal" life. However, things have taken a bit of a turn and are gradually worsening.

I admit that frustration and hopelessness start setting in at times. I haven't missed so much school since I was a sophomore in high school. I've never had this many sick days at work (thank heavens my supervisor is understanding and offers his help wherever he can). While I've always been aware of financial difficulties, I've never before felt so pinched. And I've never, ever felt so tired, never. Not only that, but my dad's getting worse as well -- though he won't admit it.

Is it ironic to anyone else that now, at possibly one of the hardest times in my life, I'm happier than I've ever been? Listing out the worries on my mind somehow brings a smile to my face. Yes, I'm physically uncomfortable most of the time, and I worry about losing my dad, but inside, I feel at peace. Every time I start worrying and the concerns press on my mind, I'm able to sit back and think about how good my life really is.

For example. Though I've missed a lot of school, I'm keeping up and am still getting good grades. My work supervisor is incredibly helpful. Money is a serious concern, but it keeps working out every time I really need something. I'm sleeping more frequently than I have in years. And dad is still here, and always happy to spend time with me.

After the third doctor's appointment this month, they finally decided that it's time to start looking for the problem, rather than treating the symptoms. I'll get the test results in a few days -- I'm hoping things will be okay. And they will be -- everything has been working out so far. I don't see why it won't continue to do so.

Waiting, waiting, waiting. For so many things -- although, the wait time for me and Adam continually shortens. So excited.

spoils of war...

I turned 21 on Wednesday. What a wild year it was -- 20-year-old nobody had quite the ride. And we're starting 21-year-old somebody with some pretty awesome accessories.

What did I get with my birthday money?

A little black dress (lace, mind you) and a teddy bear.

Turning 21 was worth it for both of those things. Thank you, grandma and grandpaw! Thank you, nana and grandpa!

PS I will post about birthday fun eventually. It doesn't end until Monday morning -- we like to draw things out around here. Mostly because of schedules.

you know those times when...

...you sit at your computer for hours with the intention of starting a paper/essay/research project, but you end up staring at the screen because you can't seem to get started?
...you lay in bed for hours with the blankets over your head while you cry because no matter how tired you are, you can't fall asleep?
...you park yourself on the couch and enter the woman's version of the "nothing box," which is when you're thinking about so many things that it becomes absolutely unintelligible, the thoughts so disconnected it's as though they're not even happening?
...you look at your bank statement and feel utter shock course through you as you see how little money you have left, and can't seem to remember what you spent it all on?
...you wish you could talk to someone, but every time you try, no one listens because they start talking about how hard their own lives are or lecturing you on what you should do, should have done, or aren't doing enough of?
...you look at your calendar and want to stow away on a plane to Australia, where no one can find you and make you face your responsibilities?
...you wonder if there's any point to anything that you're doing anymore?

Pretty sure most people have those times. We'll get through them -- one day at a time. Just keep trying.

promptings...

I woke up today in a bit of a fog. Three nights in a row of bad dreams (most of which involve my friends getting killed in car accidents, being shot, intentionally overdosing, or myself being tortured) left me exhausted and full of undesirable thoughts.

With the after-dream mind-set, I began to get ready for the day. I pulled jeans and a t-shirt out of the closet, but immediately felt that my choice of attire was wrong. After arguing with myself and providing a long list of excuses, I gave in and selected a skirt and blouse. I was going to the temple today.

This afternoon was the first time I've attended the temple since Christmas. It had been a long time because of school, and then my recommend expired and I didn't notice until last month. I got it renewed on Sunday, and the man who interviewed me ended our meeting with these parting words: "Please use it often." I'm the type of girl who does what I'm told, especially if there's a slight second urging.

Just as I arrived, I got a text from my dad. All it said was "We got in a car accident. Call me please."

Seriously? Seriously. When it rains, it pours until you feel like you're drowning. But as I started to head back to my car, I stopped and called my dad. He told me that everyone was fine -- mom had some bad whiplash and the car had two scratches in the paint with a dent in the fender (Hondas are miniature tanks, I swear),, but other than that they were totally fine. Dad then told me to not come home, and to go to the temple as I had planned.

Again, I did as I was told. I was frustrated to see that it was very busy, and at first I was annoyed with myself because I forgot it's Wednesday today. Mutual night. Everyone goes to the baptistery on Wednesdays. But as I got ready and sat down in line, I found that I was glad to wait.

It was good to think and feel good inside -- it was the first time in several weeks that I haven't felt badgered by unhappy thoughts and feelings. It was definitely an hour and a half well spent -- I didn't want to leave.

Leave I did, and I was left to think more about what I had learned. But I was also faced with the irritating thoughts and feelings that I've been fighting a lot lately -- around and around they circled in my head. Dad's cancer. Callie's trauma. Work drama. Parker's difficulty. Financial things -- my own, my family's, and my friends'. My own shortcomings. Now the car wreck -- although that did turn out much better than it could have.

Slowly I started to sink back into this awful, dark sadness. I felt horribly guilty and sad and just bad in general. I didn't just need to talk to someone, I wanted to. But I was afraid to. My friends have their own problems, and my family doesn't know anything about what I've been thinking or feeling lately (or if they do, they're not saying anything -- I prefer it that way, actually). I didn't want to worry anyone, or bother anyone. Most of all, I didn't want to push anyone away.

A name came to mind, though. Call him, a little voice said in my head. Um...I don't think so, I replied. Do it, came the response. I thought about it, then asked, You sure? There was no verbal answer, but a warm feeling came over me and I knew it would be okay.

Until there was no answer. Then I felt dumb. I put it off to my imagination, and was relieved when my dad called me a few seconds later. And then my phone beeped while I was talking to him, and it beeped a second time when mom took her turn talking with me.

Two voice mails from the same person -- he'd called me back. Twice. 

So...you were right. Sorry about that, as I dialed the number again.

An hour and a half later, I felt free. I told him the truth about the past couple of months. I told him that what I'd said, about life being great and happy and fantastic wasn't completely true. He wasn't bothered. He wasn't angry. He wasn't even very disappointed in me. He just listened. He reminded me (quite firmly) that I'm not going to do any of this alone, that I'm not even supposed to do things alone. I still felt scared, and I still felt a little silly, but I didn't feel as scared or as silly as I had before. 

I'm glad I listened. I'm glad I obeyed.

Follow the promptings you have. If you get a notion to do something good, be it for you or for someone else, do it. Because in the end, you'll probably help both parties in ways you never imagined.  

be bold...

Once upon a time in January I filled out this post template for the heck of it. It's now 6 months later. I decided to fill it out again and see if any of my "sometimes" have changed.


SOMETIMES
...I get weirdly excited about hearing a song on the radio. Like Kelly Clarkson's "Dark Side" or Katy Perry's "Wide Awake" or Rihanna's "Where Have You Been" or Journey's "Faithfully" (among others). Those are the moments when I just have to turn up the volume and sing along. Or, you know. Dance in my car.

...I feel overwhelmed with gratitude when a friend spends an afternoon with me or lets me talk to them on the phone.

...I can't stop thinking about school starting. And...I'll admit it...that one person.

...I just want to be happy all day, every day.

...I am kind of a bad person and judge myself and others too harshly.

...I wish I could express what I know in my heart without fear of rejection or losing a friend. But that is always a risk -- always.

...I  (still) just don't understand the allure of Batman. This topic of conversation follows me everywhere. It never used to come up at all -- then I met Parker and I swear he cursed me.

...I can't believe how close I am to turning 21. 6 months from now, I'll be 21. That is so strange.

...I strongly consider spending a lot of money on clothes and shoes (some things don't change very much). Add in an iPod and we're set.

If you want, try this yourself (even if you've done it before). Just copy and paste the bolded areas and fill in your "sometimes."

reaction time...

My friend Linnea is quite possibly one of the most "chill" people I have ever met. So when she told me that I was so stressed out that I was making her nervous, I knew that there was something wrong.

At first I was a little confused. I didn't feel particularly stressed -- more like exhausted and scared. Which, come to think of it, are symptoms of stress. I began a mental inventory of things that could possibly be stressing me out.

One. The Parker thing. And it doesn't have anything to do with the post about the conversation we had on the phone.
Two. School. Like the fact that I might have to go for another year. And that it costs money.
Three. School with two jobs and wondering how I am going to get my homework done this fall.
Four. Money. Two jobs, school, rent, food. Money. Bleh.
Five. Room mate stuff for fall.
Six. Having too much food in the fridge/pantry/freezer (yes -- that does stress me out a little).

So I had a list of things that were stressing me out, but they didn't seem like anything I haven't been a little worried about this whole summer. They've always been there in the back of my mind (except for the Parker thing because that's new). Why surface now?

While running a double check inventory, I remembered these little things.

One. Dad has started his cancer treatments (oh, yeah, I forgot to mention -- my dad was diagnosed with cancer two weeks ago). He actually seems to be feeling a little better. He's not quite as tired.
Two. Callie is doing much better. She told the authorities and a court date is set for next week. She also bought a fish today and named him Thomas. She carries her pepper spray with her all the time, and she is laughing and smiling often. She isn't healed, but she's getting better every day.
Three. Things at work are a little better.

But all of these things are good developments, so why are they stressing me out?

Oh. Wait. Because now that all of these people involved are doing better, I seem to have subconsciously recognized that I can take a bit of a break from being the strong one. Think of it as a delayed reaction -- two weeks after the fact, I'm starting to really feel the impact of all of these things. My dad. Callie. Work. Even little Leonardo dying (I miss him so much). I suddenly feel awful -- nervous, exhausted, irritated, sometimes downright depressed -- and I think part of it is because it isn't necessary for me to be calm, or just there, all of the time.

Couple this lack of being needed with the resurfacing old stresses (plus the Parker thing) and presto. You've got one awkward, jumpy, uptight, spring-loaded little girl. Delayed reactions, people. De-freakin-layed.

Bad. Bad, bad. Thank goodness for a good gym buddy (working out really does help with stress -- who knew), strawberries, a fat old chocolate lab whom I love, and the promise of an evening with the Raddatz family tomorrow night. Always good to have something to look forward to! Not to mention I'm providing Thomas the Betta with an apartment and food for his new residence in PartyLand. He's gonna be one spoiled little fishy.

Actually...having Thomas at PartyLand is another stress. I'm feeling extremely protective over this little fish. Bettas are a bit tricky. If he dies...good grief. I might fall apart.

Bad. I need more strawberries. And sleep. Psh. Sleep. Who does that?

things get better...

...stressful days still hold smile-worthy things...
...random calls from dad because he said he had a feeling I needed someone -- twice in one day
...texting Brianna and having a fun conversation with her for a few minutes
...talking to my sister Amanda for a little while and sharing dreams and schemes
...my dogs Misty and Molly "sharing" my dinner (they stole a potsticker) and cuddling with me on the couch
...chatting with Parker for about 15 minutes after I accidently pocket dialed him, and he called me back -- so good to hear his voice
...a sympathetic comment from a friend regarding the upcoming exam
...my paycheck is bigger than I expected it to be
...Amanda made chocolate milkshakes -- BIG chocolate milkshakes
...this picture that Linnea shared on my Facebook page:

...little tender mercies...so grateful for them...

happy things...

...it's a good day in May...

...Ruthie is back in town for the summer before she goes on her mission -- so glad to have her back!
...discovered a safe topic of conversation in the Writing Center: TV shows
...Misty follows me around and sleeps with me all the time -- love that dog
...finding a pen that makes my handwriting better
...being trusted
...carrots -- carrots are so great
...$5 tip at the snow shack from a really nice, very cute guy
...not spilling that bright red tiger's blood snow cone on a customer -- yes, that was a good thing
...funny, random memes posted on friends' Facebook pages which make me laugh out loud -- literally
...memories that prompt smiles, rather than tears
...dark chocolate covered pomegranate seeds
...my cozy, warm, soft, excellent bed

do you want MLA with that?

I got a phone call this morning. It was a really important phone call. It was a really, really important phone call.

Guess what?

You are getting this message from the desk of the newest BYU Writing Center intern (!!!).

I am beyond excited.

So excited that if I had money I'd go out and buy myself a pair of red high heels to celebrate.

St. George tomorrow morning, my friends. This girl is ready to party!

weekend thoughts and observations...

...sometimes my thoughts are deep. other times, they're more like this...
...one of my dear, dear friends has just transferred to BYU. Welcome to Cougar Town, Brady!! I'm so, so excited to go to school with you again!! Granted he'll be in the Business building ALL the time because he's smart and cool like that, but still. It'll be good to know I have another friend on campus.
...every time I sneeze (and they're not big sneezes), the vertebrae in my back pop into alignment
...same thing happens when I lift something that weighs more than ten pounds. It isn't heavy, but my back pops anyway.
...I'm thinking about taking a second stats class just to have Patti as a professor again -- she's fantastic -- and I actually find stats really fascinating
...I have $7 in my bank account...I'm super glad that my grant came through for Spring/Summer
...is it possible to OD on Ibuprofen? Hope not...
...weird things make me cry.......like Penelope -- I cried TWICE during that movie -- double u tee heck?
...Iceburg shakes = one of the best things that has ever happened to me
...I'm actually really looking forward to school starting in two weeks...huh?
...I only sing at home when I'm by myself -- the second I hear the door, it was as though I was never belting "Someone Like You" (Jekyll and Hyde) while dancing through the house with a duster and a laundry basket (or, you know, just sitting in my room on my bed staring at walls thinking about what I should be doing)
...my bed has become one of my very best friends in the whole world
...I'll bet you $7 that my Visiting Teachers are cooler/kinder/sweeter/funnier/more helpful/make better cookies than yours do
...remember that Kid History video where the guy proclaims to the world that he hates hot dogs (at 1:53)? Well, I. HATE. ONIONS.
...music is SO POWERFUL. I was asked to sing in church, first soloing on the first verse, a duet with Amanda on the second, and then with the choir on the third and fourth verses. It was the hymn version of "I Know That My Redeemer Lives." From the first phrase, people were crying. The Spirit was so very strong. Gotta love it.
...if I could eat pizza bites, brownie shakes, carrots, peach or strawberry yogurt, and Reese's every day without getting fat/sick, I would
...spending most of two days in bed is boring
...less than two weeks until my sista-friend Brianna gets married!!!!!!!!

a list of smiles...

...smiling feels good...

...visited LDC yesterday, got lots of hugs, found out I've become a much better sight reader because of the BYU choir I was in, felt the Spirit like I haven't in months
...coloring books, Cadbury eggs, and Ann
...ACED my religion final
...found my paycheck after tearing my room apart over the course of two days looking for it -- it was inside the envelope containing Jordan's latest letter. Good thing I wanted to read it again!
...finished ALL of my laundry today
...English professor recommended me to the Writing Center as a potential candidate for the writing internship
...got my application in on time on Wednesday and guess what?
...interview with the BYU Writing Center department head on Tuesday for a spot in the TA intern program
...YAY!! *fingers crossed*
...studied my brains out for Stats tomorrow...I think I'm only smiling about that because I'm sort of in a standard deviation-margin of error-Normal distribution- x bar plus/minus 3 times sigma times whatever daze...
...ice skating with Emilyann and Blaine on fresh, smooth, slippery slide ice and NOT falling at all
...first adventure to Iceburg -- I've had shakes from there before, but I've never actually been inside. Well worth it. I've missed out for far too long!
...text message from Brady that absolutely made my day/night/life
...chilling with Parker for several hours last night while he packed for Idaho and getting a great big hug
...phone calls with dad, mom, and Meghan at different times during the day
...going to bed before 1 a.m. tonight!

...it's happy here tonight...

stressed...

1. Finals
2. Finals...I cannot afford to fail my finals...finals
3. Stupid Religion project which I am going to fail because there is no way this seed is going to grow. It's the 7th one I've tried to get to grow over the course of the semester. I've done everything my professor told us to do. Still nothing. It's due on Wednesday. Nothing. Failing grade.
4. Bedroom = disaster
5. Money. Where does it all go?
6. Finals
7. Can't sleep. Almost ever. When I do sleep, it's just nightmares and tossing and turning, never resting.
8. Mom
9. Mom
10. Mom
11. Finals
12. How lonely I feel, and how guilty I feel that I haven't been able to keep in touch with others or help them as much as I wish I could
13. Ate too much...keep eating too much...checked the scale and saw weight gain...bad words in my head
14. Are you still mad at me? I wish you'd tell me, because I'm too afraid to ask you.
15. Dad's going out of town this week again, it's spring break for my sister, choir tour for my other sister, finals for me and mom...ugh. It's going to be a long week.
16. My family (mom's side of the family minus mom because she was sick and stayed home) spent a quarter of an hour after dinner tonight discussing how great I am and how well I represent the family. How good a student I am and how I'll be the first grandchild to graduate from college, how I'll be the first grandchild to go on a mission, how they guess I'll be the first to find a worthy young man to marry, how I set and will continue to set a good example for the rest of the cousins, how I'm good and kind and hard working and intelligent and so much more, so much that I wanted to stand up and scream STOP IT PLEASE. How am I supposed to live up to all of that? What happens if I don't do well, if I do make a mistake, if I fail somewhere? What will they all say? What will they think of me?
17. I have no idea how I got this limp in my left leg, but I did, and it hurts, and I don't know why. Maybe it has something to do with the knots in my shoulders...I need knew pillows. Money...bug.
18. Wow, I'm a brat. Look at how good I've got it and all I see are the bad things. Stupid girl! Grow up.

contrast...

I feel [bad, upset, disappointed] when
...I find out I did a lot worse on a test than I thought I did.
...there are no cookies in the cookie jar.
...I make a mistake at work.
...the pocket in my backpack that holds my iClicker (quiz taking remote) is empty.
...my dog bites my face for no reason.
...plans alter drastically (I dislike abrupt change).
...the "fuel tank empty" light comes on when I don't expect it.
...my backpack is very heavy and I'm parked out by the football stadium.
...people sit on me because they don't realize that I'm there.

I feel [good, happy, excited] when
...a professor is unhappy with overall test scores not because we're bad students, but because "I didn't teach the material well enough, so I'm going to look at your answers and adjust as needed to help you. It's only fair, really!"
...there are cookies in the cookie jar AND in my lunch.
...the mistake I made at work ends up adding to the decor in the store.
...there is no iClicker quiz on the day it disappeared from my backpack.
...my other dog kisses my nose better after the first one bit me.
...altered plans end up being better than the original ones.
...I have enough money on my card to put gas in my car's tank.
...a nice boy helps me with my books and bag.
...people sit next to me so I'm not by myself, aka they noticed me before sitting down.

surprising...

I am surprised

...by how quickly I can drink a bottle of water.
...that I have cried during every single movie I have watched over the past 4 days.
...because at almost 20 years old I still worry about hurting a stuffed animal's feelings.
...to realize that I go back to school at BYU, of all places, in one day over a week.
...when I get a paycheck from work because I always forget I get paid to have so much fun.
...that John, Ruthie's older brother, gave me such a nice Christmas present (a necklace with my first initial on the chain).
...by how much I miss Jordan.
...at how very awkward I feel around my sisters' friends.
...that sometimes I know more than I think I do.
...when I can eat a huge meal and not feel full, comfortably or uncomfortably, at all.
...to realize that I have only tripped twice in the past five days.
...that it is so comforting to hold a stuffed toy, like my giant, pink, fluffy unicorn (named Agnes).
...by how many of my friends are suddenly pairing off and getting together.
...to find myself wondering if I truly understand what it is to feel love for someone and to feel loved in return.
...at the number of times in the recent past that I have found myself lost for words.
...because despite all of the wonderful, marvelous, joyous things in my life, I'm still lonely.


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