where we're going...

I've had a lot to think about lately.

I'm definitely a planner. I plan my days almost to the minute, working out every detail as I get ready for bed and making sure I'll be where I need to be at least ten minutes in advance. I practice schedules until they're timed perfectly -- for example, my Wednesdays are planned for the rest of the semester. After this morning I know that washing one load of laundry takes exactly 27 minutes, meaning that if I wake up an hour and 15 minutes before I need to leave for school, I can get one load done while I get ready, put it in the dryer, and have a second in the washer before heading off to school. I won't be late for class, nor will I run out of time to do chores, homework, and make dinner (Wednesday is my dinner night and my laundry day -- I added my other chores so I can get them all done in one afternoon).

I think about this and wonder -- if I'm more than a planner; if I am, in fact, a control freak. To have days planned to the minute?

When I think about not having a plan, though...I get anxious. It's why I've been feeling so much anxiety about the coming year. It's no longer if I graduate next year... but WHEN I graduate next year... and all that entails. I don't even know if I'll be accepted to a college that starts in the fall -- most of them begin each January, which means 7 months of doing who knows what while I wait for school to start. Honestly, I don't even know which school I should try and get into -- I don't know what's right.

And what happens if I somehow end up married in the next year? Or if not -- keep dating, or suffer another heartbreak? I've always heard people say that you never marry the first person you date. Well...one called off engagement and two break-ups later, and we're still making everything work. In fact, it's better than it's ever been. Now people tell me that it's unlikely that we'll not get married. I can't help but wonder, though. I can't help but wonder if he'll stay. Or if I should stay. I know that I want to -- I don't want to be anywhere else. I just wonder if it's right.

What if, what if, what if. I know it doesn't help anything to wonder about things I can't control. It's hard not to wonder -- everything has gotten complicated and grown up in so little time. Peter Pan would be disappointed in me. Luckily for me, Peter Pan was never on my list of "People I will Emulate." No, I've always wanted to be like Clara Barton, or Louisa May Alcott, or George Washington. People who did things. Grown up things.

I wish someone had told my child self to slow down, to not be in such a hurry to grow up. But that begs the question, would I have listened?

No. No...I don't think I would.

my life right now...

Whoever thought it was a good idea to call me to be a Relief Society teacher is crazy. Wait...

Parker is married. And Sierra is married. And Alyssa is married. And Abe is married. And Jason and Morgan are married...to each other. Funny, if things had gone as planned, I would have beaten them all at tying the knot. Let's just say I'm glad they went first!

I am obsessed with checking my position on the waitlist for Economics 110. Down to 24th (one second)...sorry, 23rd (yes, I did just check it again) from 110th. It's almost as bad as eBay bidding.

White Collar. White. Collar. NO, I have not watched the first season in less than a week for the second time. And NO, I do not plan on starting the second season again tomorrow. Give me a break.

But seriously, Matt Bomer and Tim DeKay -- I can't decide who I like better.

Why is it that I am absolutely terrified of calling/texting/contacting in any way, shape, or form, the one person who I should not be afraid of contacting? It's kind of ridiculous.

Living at home is making me lazy and depressed. I stay in my room all day, avoiding family at all costs because for some reason, every time I emerge, a fight breaks out. I don't know if it's my tone of voice (which would be hard, because I've pretty much stopped speaking), my facial expressions (again, hard because I usually hide behind a book), or my smell (possibly, because mom thinks my jasmine-vanilla lotion smells like bug spray). So basically I sit in my room and weigh the pros and cons of staying or leaving every time I decide to venture out. Let's just say it sucks.

My dogs are possibly THE neediest dogs on the planet. I don't care, though. It's nice having the little furry things in my room all day.

I decided that I figured out why there are so many liberal thinkers in the Humanities and Social Sciences fields -- I've been doing some research on course requirements for various majors and I've found that most (if not all) of those majors are not required to take Economics (except for mine, of course -- go figure), at least at my university . They can take other classes to fulfill course requirements instead. If Econ is an option, they skip it. I would, too, if I had any other choice. So they read loads of Russian or German or French or whatever literature, and tons of philosophy, and never get into the actual history of what happened to the people financially under socialist and communist governments. Fascinating, what we think works, and how we easily ignore actual history.

It sickens me that one person (me) has so much stuff. And yet, when I decide I'm getting rid of things, I cannot let go! That stuff cost money. A lot of it is in the form of books and memories (journals, photographs, and the like), and arts and crafts supplies. Then there's all of the bedding and clothes (gah, I have so many clothes) -- but I use them all! It's a dilemma, I tell you. A real dilemma. 

Sometimes, when I'm having a sad moment, I picture his cute face and just grin like an idiot. And then I wonder why I'm scared to call him, because he is my boyfriend -- I'm afraid that I'm needy, I guess.

I hurt so, so much. After having that ultrasound, I am completely perplexed by the fact that such a tiny piece of anatomy can cause such excruciating and all-consuming pain, not to mention fainting, vomiting, fevers, and what have you. My whole life I've thought that ovaries and uteri and all those other things were huge because anything that could make so much of my body hurt all of the time had to be ginormous. Wrong. Takes childbirth to a whole new level as well, I'll tell you what.

I got hired to do freelance writing for some sort of online independent business marketing firm. Wish me luck.

Oh, one last thing. Guess who is going on a weekend trip to Cedar City with her man and...wait for it...her man's parents. The four of us, three days seeing plays and hanging out at the Shakespeare Festival. I'm honestly extremely excited, and the more I think about it, just as terrified.

Let's do this.

i may be a bit depressed...

Rather than sit at my desk and beat myself up for feeling depressed (because that always helps), I am now an objective observer.

Okay.

My stomach is in knots and I constantly fight throwing up. I think I'm nervous about something, that something being something I have yet to discover (or perhaps I haven't let myself examine in detail?).

Headaches are again a common occurrence, as is a sort of painful fatigue in the limbs, joints, and muscles of my body. The only routine change I can think of is adding yoga back into my life (never thought I'd miss that, but I do), but last semester it always made me feel better. I still feel better after completing a session.

Honestly, I'm always close to tears. I have to be super careful about not letting things set me off (like a song on the radio, a joking remark from a friend, coworker, family member, etc., a low score, among other things).

When I sleep, I have nightmares. When I don't sleep, well. That's no good for anyone.

This self-exam is leading to evaluating what I'm thinking about, or evaluating what I'm not letting myself admit that I'm thinking about. And so. I will now put it in writing and make it legitimate.

1. I am, without a doubt, absolutely terrified of getting married. Don't get me wrong, I. Love. Adam. So. Much. And I want to be with him forever. All of our talk, though, and the continual progression towards marriage is scaring me to death. Not all of the time, but more often than I let myself admit.
2. Spending money on a ring...ugh. That is probably the thing I worry about the most.
3. Neck and neck with that is planning a wedding without causing serious conflict between family members. Shoot me now. But at least my family likes Adam. That's one less thing to worry about.
4. Finals are in two weeks for me -- my classes don't have finals like the rest of the university does. I'm so behind, and this has been the hardest, worst semester academics-wise for me in my entire life.
5. Finding a place to live is going to be a nightmare -- and that's after going through the difficulty of moving back home in June when the House owners come back.

Huh. No wonder I feel sick -- never have I faced such huge changes in my life.

Boo. I don't like feeling sad and worried and sick. And I really, really don't like crying. Nor do I have the time to do so.

i like the friend zone...

I've been in frequent correspondence with Sister Raddatz. Because I'm busy working and she's busy being a mom, it's easier for all parties involved to schedule adventures and to communicate through email. The other day she was asking me about my dating life, and I told her that I don't date. I have a couple of close guy friends (both of them being her sons) and one very close guy friend, but other than that I don't go out of my way to associate with any other men. Sure, I have a lot of male coworkers at the writing center who are great people, but they're coworkers -- not to mention I'm not interested in them anyway. Great kids -- weird though.

I mentioned to Sister Raddatz that one of my friends and I had joked about going to Las Vegas for my 21st birthday. Somehow (it was probably my fault) we started laughing about getting married there -- just one of those stupid things that happens in a conversation about a guy and a girl going to Vegas together, you know? Eventually I told him that I didn't want to get married anyway, one reason being that neither of us would have temple recommends and that, frankly, I believe that we might kill each other. He said that he could see the temple recommend thing being an issue, but no -- we wouldn't kill each other. 

Sister Raddatz said that she's heard that there is a little bit of truth in every conversation. I laughed and told her that it was all just fun. "Besides that," I said, "there is no way that I am getting married at 21."

A couple of days later, she said she'd been thinking about that, and she had a question. "Why don't you want to get married at 21?"

This question has come up a lot for me lately, not in relation to age, but just "What don't you want to get married?" Adding the 21 onto the end has made me think a lot about the reasons why I don't want to get married. I guess it's because 21 is an age that isn't very far distant for me anymore. Somehow in my imagination I went from being 18 to 23 -- I forgot that 19, 20, 21, and 22 are in the middle there. That's 1,460 days that I just jumped over in imagining the way my life was going to be. So much for a five year plan...I forgot about four years in there!

Anyway. So, in general, why do I not want to get married at 21?

First of all, in order to get married in the next year, I'd have to either meet someone really soon or see a current friendship move from "friend zone" to "together zone" to "fiance zone" to (eek) "together for eternity zone." That would be super, super fast. If I know him already, sure, it might not be so bad -- date for a few months, see if it works out, and bam! Game over, life begins! But if I don't know him -- that would be an even faster relationship progression because I don't already know him.

Second, 21 is so very young. SO very young. It looks super old when you're 14, but once you're watching it approach you, you realize how very not-grown-up you really are.

Those are the main reasons that I've come up with to answer the question "Why do you not want to get married at 21?" Now for the other question: "Why don't you want to get married?" Or, to make some readers happy, why don't I want to get married yet.

In my opinion, I don't know enough about life and love to get married (yet). I don't know enough about people. There are so many things I don't know, and so many things that I haven't experienced that would be very difficult to do if I were married (like an internship in D.C. or a mission as a single sister). I also have realized that I am terrified of commitment. I can commit my heart no problem! I'm loyal to a fault, and if I love someone (be it a family member, friend, potential more-than-friend), there is very little that will keep me from staying absolutely, 100% committed to our relationship. 

It's committing everything else -- time, space, mind, body, all of me -- to someone that scares me. It's having someone know everything about me -- my fears, my desires, my weaknesses, my selfishness, my insecurities -- and if it turns out that he can't handle me, then what? When do you reach the point that you know enough about each other that you want to spend eternity together, through the good and the bad? Perhaps I lack faith, or I don't understand people well enough, but I don't see anyone wanting to stay with me.

It's the eternal aspect of that commitment -- it's the good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the everything of a relationship -- that terrifies me. I know that I can stick things out with someone. I've done it time and again, once to the point that I allowed myself to be manipulated and hurt emotionally and physically because I loved that person with all of my heart. I went through hell for that boy, and for a couple of others, too. Not that I want to put anyone through hell, but will someone stick it out with me when it gets hard?

It's the fear that things will fall apart, leaving nothing but pain and broken trust. To get married, you have to date someone and get engaged first. There's always the chance that things will get ruined. I know there's always a risk, and that it's better to risk than to never have a chance at loving someone. I don't know if I can handle that right now. I don't want to ruin perfectly good friendships and be left missing someone I could have had as a friend forever if I had been willing to keep things friendly.

For example. I would love to have someone to talk to and spend time with and take care of and love, but I don't want to. Though I know that I am willing to make most of the sacrifices necessary to be in a relationship, the idea of dating anyone scares me to death. Sure, there are a couple of guys who I absolutely love spending time with. I enjoy their company, and enjoy them as people. But because we're not "together," there can be that friendly space between talks and visits and no one feels like their needs aren't being met. I don't feel stuck. Stuck is a horrible word to use in describing any kind of relationship, I know, but it's the only word that really works for how I feel when considering a relationship. I don't feel stuck when I'm best friends with a guy (even if the feelings of friendship start becoming more). But thinking about dating brings on this almost panicked, trapped feeling (not to mention nausea and butterflies).

I don't know why that is. I know that there's a lot (and I mean a lot) of fear involved. Fear of rejection, fear of pain, fear of broken trust, fear of having something absolutely fantastic and then watching it fall apart, etc. And I think I'm just not emotionally mature enough to handle it. There are so many things I still don't know about people. Right now I'm perfectly happy being best friends with guys who I can be close to without fear of being hurt or annoying them -- if we're "just friends" then we have nothing to lose! 

I wonder if it's more that I'm afraid no one will love me enough, or if I'm afraid that I won't be able to love him fully because I'll always be waiting for things to fall apart. I wonder if I'm afraid that things will actually work out, and then out of nowhere it'll come crashing down. 

It's silly and childish, but it's where I am right now. Today, I believe that 21 is definitely not a great age for me to get married. Who knows, I could be wrong. I could meet someone or a friend could convince me that the friend zone is boring, and somehow I end up with a ring and a temple date. From where I'm sitting now, it doesn't seem like a possibility. Mostly because I'm afraid. I feel comfortable being single. I like being single. I also like being close to someone. I haven't let myself think about which I like more -- for one, I don't have anyone in my life who would consider dating me and for another, why dwell on something that you can't have right now?

in love with love...

A preview of what's starting off to be a fantastic weekend:



I'm obsessed with these two. Really.

#inlovewithlove

nausea...

There are some topics that raise feelings of nausea in me. It's the real psychological deal: dizziness, blurry vision, headaches, and the uncomfortable twisting of my insides. Topics like getting shots (ugh), entrance exams, spinning rides at carnivals, looking for work -- those are a few that are on the list. One, however, is the mother of all nausea-makers. That topic is marriage.

It comes up all the time in my life these days. My sisters talk about it. My parents talk about it. My friends talk about it. My professors talk about it. Mostly it's my sisters and parents. Meghan and Amanda have detailed lists of what they want in a husband -- they even have specific boys that they've got their eyes on (and are quietly waiting for while these boys go on missions). My parents have specific boys that they like, and often praise these boys in front of me. In every family council or meeting in which we discuss future events and expenses, mom and dad look at me and say casually, "Now, we also need to remember that somebody could get engaged in the next year." Shortly after, the list is again discussed in detail, and I sit there feeling small and awkward and preparing myself for a dash out of the room in case my stomach decides it can't handle things anymore.

First off: I have nothing against marriage. I think it's a wonderful, amazing, good thing. I'm not ragging on the institution itself. For most people, it's great! But only great at the right time, in the right place, with the right people, by the right authority. Today, tomorrow, and at least through next week (if not longer), it's not right for me.

Where I am in my life, the discussion of marriage only arouses feelings of horror, terror, and nausea. Even right now, it just makes me feel like I do after I've been driving for a long time: sick.

I don't like feeling pressured to marry. I don't like having lists of names passed under my nose for examination, especially when I can see that the names on the lists would be good choices, though ones hopelessly out of my reach.

Perhaps there are people who think I'm being silly and ridiculous. That could be the case. I am being honest when I say that marriage, as wonderful as it is for other people, is not wonderful for me at the present time. I mean, heck. There aren't even any potentials in my life! Honestly, I don't want any potentials right now. I just want to be as I am. I actually like this single me (yes, it's true, even if some of you don't believe me). Right now it feels most important that I focus on the things that I can control, like my schooling and employment. Sure, I'll go out with a guy if he asks me. Until then, though, I won't be looking for potentials. Some things are better left alone. After all, it's often been said that love finds you when you least expect it. And I am okay with that, particularly if it means I won't feel sick. Or as sick...you never know, right?

stressed...

1. Finals
2. Finals...I cannot afford to fail my finals...finals
3. Stupid Religion project which I am going to fail because there is no way this seed is going to grow. It's the 7th one I've tried to get to grow over the course of the semester. I've done everything my professor told us to do. Still nothing. It's due on Wednesday. Nothing. Failing grade.
4. Bedroom = disaster
5. Money. Where does it all go?
6. Finals
7. Can't sleep. Almost ever. When I do sleep, it's just nightmares and tossing and turning, never resting.
8. Mom
9. Mom
10. Mom
11. Finals
12. How lonely I feel, and how guilty I feel that I haven't been able to keep in touch with others or help them as much as I wish I could
13. Ate too much...keep eating too much...checked the scale and saw weight gain...bad words in my head
14. Are you still mad at me? I wish you'd tell me, because I'm too afraid to ask you.
15. Dad's going out of town this week again, it's spring break for my sister, choir tour for my other sister, finals for me and mom...ugh. It's going to be a long week.
16. My family (mom's side of the family minus mom because she was sick and stayed home) spent a quarter of an hour after dinner tonight discussing how great I am and how well I represent the family. How good a student I am and how I'll be the first grandchild to graduate from college, how I'll be the first grandchild to go on a mission, how they guess I'll be the first to find a worthy young man to marry, how I set and will continue to set a good example for the rest of the cousins, how I'm good and kind and hard working and intelligent and so much more, so much that I wanted to stand up and scream STOP IT PLEASE. How am I supposed to live up to all of that? What happens if I don't do well, if I do make a mistake, if I fail somewhere? What will they all say? What will they think of me?
17. I have no idea how I got this limp in my left leg, but I did, and it hurts, and I don't know why. Maybe it has something to do with the knots in my shoulders...I need knew pillows. Money...bug.
18. Wow, I'm a brat. Look at how good I've got it and all I see are the bad things. Stupid girl! Grow up.

lately...

...thinking...
...I think I'm a little too honest sometimes. There are more things I should keep to myself, particularly opinions. Either that or I should say them in a different way.
...knowing what you should do and wanting to do it are not the same thing at all.
...it is very hard for me to imagine being married...no parents (because you're the parent), no friends (not all the time), just you and your spouse making all of the decisions, all of the purchases, all of the plans, all of the actions that are necessary for a successful family. I can imagine me doing those things by myself, but throw in a man and my brain can't handle it.
...I really hope there is a point to all of the things I'm doing.



...doing...
...went on a date last night, and it was so much fun. John is one of my best friend's older brothers. He took me to Trafalga and we played laser tag, mini golf (amid the presidential monuments of the United States, which is ironic because we played without any rules), skeeball, and air hockey. For our prizes, John got a mustache and a miniature pin wheel. I got a butterfly temporary tattoo because it was just too pretty to pass up. Even if I don't wear it, I might put it on a piece of paper. Very fun date, very nice guy, very good time.
...two bridal showers this week for darling Brianna! She is so adorable, I can't get over it. 27 days till the wedding!
...homework. Who does that? Oh...I should be doing that.
...Love's Labors Lost at BYU. Good show, but the girls in the production bothered me. Every time they were onstage I felt like I was watching junior high school students giggling and shrieking over something. There wasn't a lot of depth in the female character portrayals -- it was all surface flirtation with little visible thought behind the actions. Other than that, it was a fun show.
...I have a plan. 6 credits this Spring, 6.5 credits this Summer, 17.5 credits this Fall. Put in mission papers, and if I still feel like I should go I'll go. If not, I'll keep going to school and graduate in August 2013. Ready, go.


...feeling...
...don't want to be touched. At all. Period. No hugs, no high fives, no brushing hands, no linking arms, no nothing. Why? No idea. None.
...blessed because the grant money I received for school will carry over into the Spring/Summer terms, the car is still working just fine, I have a good job, my school schedule will allow me to keep working and study as well, and I don't have to pay rent.
...life is not meant to be spent in comfort. We're moved from old places and friends into new places with new people. Start over every few months. Change is certain, yet brings such uncertainty.
...what do you do when you realize your heart is breaking but you don't know why? It shouldn't be breaking at all, but it is, and it doesn't make sense. No matter how much you think about it and work at being "unbroken" -- you're broken. The feeling doesn't go away.

sometime's perfect happens...

And when it's this kind of perfect, it puts all other perceptions of perfect to shame.


For fear of embarrassing this beautiful lady, I'll keep this short. She got engaged last night, and every time I think about it I start to cry. Not because I'm unhappy about it, but because I'm so happy about it that I can't stand it! Brianna and Matt are just their own kind of perfect. They are both such good, kind, honest, spiritual people. They've going to be a team now that will be incredibly strong. I'm so excited to see how their lives turn out! I bet they'll be an unstoppable force for good, because as separate individuals they are. Double that and you're talking about amazing potential!

As I talked with Brianna about this (and still am talking about it, she just doesn't know that I'd been working on this post for about 20 minutes before we go started), she said that this is a fairytale, being with Matt for eternity. And it is! Who better to author your fairytale than the Lord? This gospel is so true. It's so happy and hopeful. We are SO. LUCKY.


I love you, my beautiful friend! You are one of the best friends I have ever had in my life, and I am so excited for you to take this step in your fairytale. Thank you for your example to me in all parts of you life. You are wonderful!

There is perfection out there, people. Not the world's view of "perfect". But with God, all things are possible. With God, even a fairytale becomes a reality.

day 67...

a picture of my dream wedding...

Nothing is set in stone, concrete, or any other solid building material, but I'm entertaining the idea of getting married in the Salt Lake Temple in the spring time. Mostly because the grounds are gorgeous beyond compare. LDC was there in the spring on choir tour, and it was seriously one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen in my life.

As for getting married, that's a long shot right now. Someday it will probably happen. Right now, I can wait. :)

PS I didn't take that picture. I don't have any of the temple grounds during the spring. I want to go up next year, now that I have a good camera. It's on my to do list.

day 60...

a picture of something I'm excited about...
My dear friend Daniel got married yesterday! He and Alana are so cute. And guess what? I caught the bouquet at the reception. Yep. Pretty exciting to me. After all, you all know how much I love flowers, and these ones? So beautiful. :)



CONGRATULATIONS DANIEL AND ALANA!!!
You two really are adorable. May you be blessed with happiness and love for the rest of eternity. (((hugs)))

day 15...

a picture of something I want to do before I die...


Ever seen Tangled? You know how they sing about having a dream? Well...

This is mine.

bee bee cue and other random tidbits...

I went to a friend's barbeque in honor of all those other friends who will be leaving for the summer, like to Africa (though she's already gone home I think), Fiji, or home to wherever they hail from. Can you say another LDC reunion? It was awesome to see all of those fantastic human beings again! They are so wonderful. Kenna told all of us the story of how David proposed to her (insert a long "awwwwwww!!!") and showed us her ring. In short, it's gorgeous.

For some reason, nearly being decapitated by a bulleting volleyball constitutes it your destiny to join the game, no matter how much you protest. At least to my friends. Granted, I did say that I kind of wished I could play but was too afraid because

1) I'm horrible at it and didn't want people to be mad at me,
2) I'm scared of the ball,
3) I'm scared of looking like an idiot,
and
4) the last time I played volleyball, my parents asked me if someone was hurting me because of the black and purple bruises all up and down my forearms.

All of these reasons were overlooked as I was shoved into the game. Luckily the ball never came to me. Even if it had, I probably would have screamed and dropped to the ground in a fetal position or something. Mortifying thought, but possible truth nonetheless.

On less of a BBQ note...I have a knack for writing exceptionally morbid poetry, prose, or whatever else a person can write. Almost 100% of the time I'm not even writing to write. I'm just talking to a friend, or myself. Half of that time I don't even realize that what I'm saying/texting is so extremely morbid until it's been said/sent. Freaks me out a bit.

Random thing I said that made a friend laugh: A happy life is a glass that is half full. Drink it, and it's empty.

Less funny but I still liked what I thought: Heaven is only as far as your life is long.

obsession confession...

Can't sleep. I'm writing a confession to pass the time.

If you haven't noticed, I might be a little obsessed with "Tangled". If I had funds to do so, I'd be even more obsessed. I do not have funds, therefore I am stuck with watching the movie over and over, borrowing the soundtrack from the library, creating online playlists, stalking photos of Flynn and Rapunzel on the Internet, and dreaming of my very own Rapunzel dress. I will never have her hair; 70 feet of hair is far too impractical for anything other than Disney life, and besides that, my hair is brown. I could cut it and be Rapunzel after her final liberation, but no. I'm rather fond of long hair. Or longish. Nothing is long compared to Rapunzel's hair.

Ever since school got out and choir ended I have time to be obsessed with "Tangled". It's kind of sad, to be honest. I just love the story, the music, the characters, everything except the attempt at a funny production number ("I've Got a Dream"...I dislike that scene very much).


The two main characters are my favorite (duh). I love how Rapunzel never attempts to be anything other than what she is, even when she sees how much she doesn't know. I love her innocence, sweetness, strength, ability to love and accept others, and her fighting spirit. I love that she is honest all the time, and how she would give up her happiness to save someone she loves. I love how Flynn (I call him that because I don't know who hasn't seen the movie so I don't want to ruin it) is still himself even after he falls in love. He changes because he loves Rapunzel, but he doesn't turn into some namby pamby servant to a girl because he adores her. Yes, he adores her, but he doesn't worship her. I love his sarcasm and quick humor, honesty (eventually), loyalty (he becomes loyal), and willingness to sacrifice everything, including his life, to protect his world.

Rapunzel and Flynn are my favorite Disney couple (next to Belle and the Beast) because they are a team. They work together. Flynn isn't a controlling or dominant man, and he isn't totally subserviant to Rapunzel. Rapunzel isn't a doormat or a damsel in distress, but neither is she intent on being in control. These two are allies and best friends who work together to achieve goals. Granted, it starts out as ultimatums and threats, but it changes. By the end, they both change for the better. They change because of the experiences they had together, and they are stronger for it.


I'm obsessed with that idea, that two people can work together toward a common goal and achieve it together, with love and friendship. The music in the show isn't bad, either.

I feel better now. I'm glad to have gotten all of that off my chest. ;)

marriage...

You may find it odd, but where I come from this is the time of life where people start talking, thinking, and dreaming of marriage. Yeah, 19-25 is generally considered young by the world's standards, but here? It's just the way it is. That's what life is about, getting married and starting a family of your own. I don't mind that at all. For some people, marriage at age 19 or 20 is a great thing. For me? Not so much.

As I've been talking to friends who are in serious relationships that probably will progress into marriages, I've been thinking about what I want in my own life. I've been thinking about dreams and fears and how everything is supposed to work out. I don't know how it's all going to work out. It's not really my job to know the future, and at this point in my life knowing the future would probably throw me into hysterics that would only be ended under the influence of a very strong sedative.

I'm very afraid. Not of getting married. A lot of the young people I know, who are quickly becoming my dear friends, are afraid of getting married. They worry about the wedding and the reception and finding a house and a car and such. For me, I worry more about the years after the wedding. I wonder if the man I loved on that special day of the white dress will become someone I don't know anymore. Will he still love me? Or will I just be the housekeeper who doesn't go home when five o'clock rolls around?

My mom once said this: "Marriage is a partnership; it is not a hospital." Yes, I want to be cared for. I want to be loved. I want to care for someone, and to love someone too. What I don't want, and what I fear will happen, is that I will become something like a single woman sharing the last name and living space of a man she is legally married to but who no longer is interested in the marriage relationship. I worry that love will die, that I'll end up taking care of him and he won't be interested in helping me with anything. I don't want to sound selfish in saying I want to be taken care of and loved. I don't mean that I want him to do all of the work and put all of the effort into the relationship or the family. What I do mean is that I want us to work together, to share things. Partners. Lovers. Best friends.

Perhaps it's too much to ask. Maybe I just need to stop being afraid. In fact, I should probably be focusing on choosing a major right now. That's a more pressing issue, seeing as I'm graduating with my AS degree at the end of the month and registration for next year is on, what...Thursday? Yep.

just married...

Tonight was amazing. I think that this was the best, most fun dance that I have ever been to. Tomorrow's post will be a recap of my high school's Sadie Hawkin's dance, along with the days that I've missed this week (due to school, homework, shopping, frantic rehearsals, breakdowns, and other things that will be explained).

And, yes.



...I got married...


:D