can't help but notice...

I know they (whoever they are) say to never compare yourself to others (they also say never say never). Comparison is bad! It's a killer of self-esteem and self-confidence! Don't do it!!

That, my friends, is much easier said than done. Much easier.

One of my biggest faults is comparing myself to others. I constantly notice the differences between me and other people. It's not helpful. Not at all. I've tried not to notice, but it's kind of like trying to omit the word "like" as a modifier of every word. As soon as I notice I'm saying "like" all the time and I try to remove it from my conversations, I say it more. It's a similar thing with comparing myself to others. As soon as I realize I'm making comparisons and try to stop, I do it more often.

This is particularly difficult in the writing center (as opposed to where it isn't difficult??). Every time I see another intern do a tutorial, I'm amazed. They have such confidence, and they notice so many things about students' papers. They're excited about what they're doing, and they easily guide discussions with the students about the papers. Their sessions last 30 to 40 minutes each. They're great at tutoring! It comes naturally to them.

Then there's me. When I tutor, I'm completely on edge. I get tongue-tied and lose my train of thought, especially if I notice that the tutor observing me has written something on my evaluation sheet (which I'm always painfully aware of). Finding anything to discuss with the student is an ordeal each time, and I feel as though I'm grasping at straws to find at least one issue to help the student with. There are a few times where I make it up, just to find something. Getting a discussion going is so hard, too -- I feel that I never have anything important or helpful to say, and I constantly auto correct my speech to form questions, rather than "you could" statements. My tutorials barely last 25 minutes, and I frequently fight back tears.

So there's them, the other interns, super excited about their job and engaging students in detailed, information packed tutorials. And then there's me, trying not to cry while praying that the student will go away.

Try as I might, I can't help but notice these differences between myself and the other interns. I jokingly voiced these concerns at the tutor table a few minutes ago, as I've been watching one of the girls tutor. Brad and Tom told me not to worry about it, and that I'm doing just fine. "Everyone has something to contribute, be it with enthusiastic discussion or quiet feedback," Brad told me.

Perhaps he's right. Still...it's hard not to compare.

taking a(nother) break...

This theory project (I call it the Beast) is just one frustration after another. Luckily it isn't officially due until next Friday. A completed draft is expected tomorrow, but as my professor put hypothetical quotation marks around the word completed and then said to at least "bring stuff," I'm inclined to take him very seriously.

It's all just frustrating. Finding enough time to get things all finished is ridiculously difficult (two jobs, the internship, other homework from the same class, maybe getting some sleep, trying to stay on top of the Move stuff). So is getting things to work out on the blog (that's what my project format is). No matter how I try to get it to work, the formatting gets messed up. I'll probably have to retype everything into each post because copy-paste isn't behaving. I even tried editing the HTML, but no go.

And so here I am, surrounded by books, papers, pens, stacks of notes, cords for technological things, my school bag, and my sketchbook (which I no longer sketch in). I've got 60 pages of reading to do before class tomorrow, plus messing with my project blog. Sleeping isn't a very good option anymore (8 hours over the course of the last two nights -- not because I haven't tried to sleep, but because when I do go to bed I just lay awake -- even the sleeping pill I took last night didn't help much). Despite not sleeping, I don't feel particularly tired. Just stressed out and frustrated and rather sad.

Happily, tomorrow is Friday. I'm going to play with Brianna and Ann for a little while, and get more work done on the Beast.

Brown out...that was scary. Oh, and do you ever get lines from movies stuck in your head? Or scenes of movies that just replay over and over again? When it happens to me, they're usually the most random, unimportant scenes. Like the one that's currently playing through my brain. It's from (three guesses) Captain America, when the stage manager of the USO show is searching through the dressing room and yells, "Has anybody seen Rogers!"

Yes, I punctuated the question with an exclamation mark, because the man doesn't use any inflection that signifies a question.

So obscure. Whatever. It's fine.

PS I say "Whatever. It's fine." so much that the tutors in the writing center said they want to make me a t-shirt with the phrase on it. I'm not sure that's a good thing...

fun in the work place...

I have interesting jobs. I work at a party store and a snow shack, and I intern in a prestigious university's writing center. Each job has different requirements, but a lot of the skills that I've learned for each individual job are applicable to all three. The environments, however, are more than a little different.

The writing center has an intellectual, academic, and stiff atmosphere. Some days it almost oozes with elitism. It bothers me, because students who come in for a tutoring session look uncomfortable and many of them can't wait to get out. Not all of the tutors contribute to that feeling -- the few that do are good at it though. As I've observed, I've decided that I will not become a tutor with that elite mindset. I don't even think of myself as a tutor, or students as students. I think of myself as a writer, and the students who come in are writers as well. That levels the playing field and turns the sessions into collaborative efforts, rather than the term tutor becoming a title that gets in the way.

The snow shack is a bit trickier to explain because all shifts are run solo, and it's definitely just a job. I like it most days, but it's mostly cleaning the shack, filling up the flavor bottles, stocking supplies, taking and completing customer orders, and making sure that the other girls stay on top of their work. I've sort of become the unofficial manager of the Orem store...I think it's because I'm the oldest girl working there and I'm the only one who really works at keeping the place running in a clean, orderly fashion. That's sort of fun for me because I get to be in contact with the owner a lot. Natalie is so great.

PartyLand is an entirely different animal. It's fun, it's crazy, it's stressful, it's boring, it's exciting, it's annoying, it's everything all wrapped up into one, giant, eclectic, hodge podge party store. The people are great to work with -- they're some of my closest friends -- the work isn't too hard but it's stimulating, and it's an outlet for creativity. It's the most frustrating and most enjoyable work place. The fun generally outweighs the frustration though.

For example, PartyLand is the only place where I can make themed balloon bouquets like this one:

Yes. This is an Avengers mylar (insert girly squeal of excitement here). But wait. It gets better.

A totally Avengers themed bouquet. Alyssa and I made it a couple of days ago. I'm rather proud of it. I was so happy that Tracy ordered the mylar that I requested. She let me pick it out, too. Can you spot all of the heroes? We fit all six of them into it!

Six super heroes represented in one giant, ridiculously fun, delightful, vengeance-filled bouquet. SO. MUCH. FUN.


Avengers assemble!! Holla!!

lately...

...thinking...
...it's so much easier for me to talk about the things going on in my mind and heart with a guy friend than with a girl friend. I don't get it...neither does my friend Alex, whom I discussed this with today. He feels the same way -- there must be a reason why we're such good friends!
...theory of English is harder for me to wrap my head around than statistics was. Dislike.
...that strange feeling when you realize that someone loves you, really loves you, and they're not just saying it to make you feel good.
...the more I think about it, the more I recognize that the LDS church is strange. If you haven't grown up with it, it'd be hard to accept. Thank goodness for the Holy Spirit which testifies to me and others of the truth of the gospel.


...doing...
...the internship started on Friday morning. It's going to be a lot of work, but it'll be worth it in the end. Penny seems like she's really nice and a good teacher. I'm excited for this opportunity!
...Brianna's bachelorette party was on Thursday night and it was fun! La Jolla Groves has made the list of places to eat.
...best part of the week was Brianna's wedding on Saturday. Great day. She looked so beautiful, and so happy. I'm so proud of her for the choices she has made and I'm so happy for her and Matt. More to come later.
...balancing two part time jobs, full time school, and the internship is going to be very interesting. I apologize in advance if I'm absent for the next few weeks.
...I keep trying to clean my room...trying being the key word.
...as mentioned before, I spent the afternoon with my friend Alex. Love that man. He is awesome. I'm so lucky that he's my friend. Especially when he makes me smile by sneaking me an extra peanut butter bar because he knows I love them, or when he looks at me and says, "Whoa...your eyes are gorgeous and you look super attractive right now," or when he listens without judging me for the thoughts and feelings I have. He's just great.


...feeling...
...holding a sleeping baby is one of the most relaxing things in the world. I haven't felt that relaxed, peaceful, and hopeful in a long time.
...music has such an amazing impact.
...how do you tell someone they've hurt you and ask to fix a problem without hurting them in return?
...guilt...it's starting to run my life again.

PS If you haven't seen The Prince of Egypt, I highly recommend it.

start of something new...

After 8 days off, school is back in session. Compared to last semester, there is almost no one on campus. It's a little bit weird...oh, and most of the enrolled students that I've seen are men. My classes have a guy-girl ratio that's insane. Like my first class today: 15 people, 4 girls, 9 guys. I haven't had a class that small since AP US History my junior year of high school. I don't remember what the ratio was for that class, though. I think there were 5 boys...I only remember 3 of them for sure because they were annoying. Always jabbering about something, or starting gender wars based on ability to wrestle or chop wood or something.

High school. So glad that's over.

My English Theory (yikes) class is going to be interesting...my professor is funny and seems pretty chill, but he's all about class participation. This will definitely push me out of my comfort zone. I hardly ever make comments in class because I'm of the opinion that most of the things I say cause people to question my acceptance into the university. But whatever. I'm here, and so are they, and "we're AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL in THIIIIISSS toGEEEEEther," and yes I did just bust out a mid-sentence High School Musical. Which I've never actually seen, by the way.

British Literature 1 is going to be an adventure as well. I knew it the second the professor walked into the room: white and blue checkered button up shirt, lime green tie with light green polka dots, forest green dress pants with a brown belt and gold buckle, gray high top Converse, and when he put his foot on the chair his pants pulled up to reveal red and white striped socks. Add to it the small, pince-nez like glasses and presto! Doctor Hilariously Interesting has arrived.

The people in my class don't know what to do with me. They think I'm weird. I don't know what to do with the people in my class. If they think I'm weird, I think they're all crazy. Seriously...English majors are weird. Not in a bad way, just in a way I've never experienced before. This is a whole new sort of person for me to get used to...they don't get my humor at all, they've never seen any of the movies I quoted. Except for Lord of the Rings, which I mentioned as a joke when the teacher read us "The Finnesburg Fragment," but that turned into a whole class discussion on how Tolkien used his study of the English language to create a world similar to that of the Celts, Saxons, Angles, Jutes. I wasn't being serious. Turns out I hit the nail on the theoretical English head! It's going to be a fun class.

Then there's the internship. I'm thanking my lucky stars that the class has been scheduled for Mondays. It'll totally free up time for me to get hours at work. This internship will be work, too -- much like a part-time job, but I pay to do the work. 10 hours a week, 2 of which are class meetings and 8 of which are learning how to do the actual tutorials in the writing lab. Yay for grants to pay tuition for the credit hours.

PartyLand is still keeping me busy, too. I seriously like that job. Granted, I don't like helping with rentals because there are so many little things that have to be written down and taken care of, and rentals are a huge part of spring/summer business, but other than that it's great. Tracy just hired three new girls, so everything will run super smooth now. PartyLand...completely the opposite of enrollment on campus. While BYU has a prominent amount of testosterone, PartyLand is lacking in everything male. It'll be weird with no guys. Although...maybe we need to recover from Parker...ha, just kidding!

Any dang way, I'm looking forward to being busy. In all seriousness, I'd rather be busy than bored. As long as I can keep my head above water for the next 7-ish weeks, it'll all be just dandy. Bring on the madness! Even though I'm feeling tired just looking at my syllabi. So. Much. Reading.

And honestly, English theory is ridiculous. I'd rather take another stats class. But that's a post for another day when I'm really frustrated instead of just extremely mildly irritated.

PS I got an A- in stats, I'm reasonably sure that I got an A in Religion and an A in Choir, and I have no idea about English or Humanities. Stats grade = I'm buying myself Cafe Rio. Anyone want to go with me?

do you want MLA with that?

I got a phone call this morning. It was a really important phone call. It was a really, really important phone call.

Guess what?

You are getting this message from the desk of the newest BYU Writing Center intern (!!!).

I am beyond excited.

So excited that if I had money I'd go out and buy myself a pair of red high heels to celebrate.

St. George tomorrow morning, my friends. This girl is ready to party!

a list of smiles...

...smiling feels good...

...visited LDC yesterday, got lots of hugs, found out I've become a much better sight reader because of the BYU choir I was in, felt the Spirit like I haven't in months
...coloring books, Cadbury eggs, and Ann
...ACED my religion final
...found my paycheck after tearing my room apart over the course of two days looking for it -- it was inside the envelope containing Jordan's latest letter. Good thing I wanted to read it again!
...finished ALL of my laundry today
...English professor recommended me to the Writing Center as a potential candidate for the writing internship
...got my application in on time on Wednesday and guess what?
...interview with the BYU Writing Center department head on Tuesday for a spot in the TA intern program
...YAY!! *fingers crossed*
...studied my brains out for Stats tomorrow...I think I'm only smiling about that because I'm sort of in a standard deviation-margin of error-Normal distribution- x bar plus/minus 3 times sigma times whatever daze...
...ice skating with Emilyann and Blaine on fresh, smooth, slippery slide ice and NOT falling at all
...first adventure to Iceburg -- I've had shakes from there before, but I've never actually been inside. Well worth it. I've missed out for far too long!
...text message from Brady that absolutely made my day/night/life
...chilling with Parker for several hours last night while he packed for Idaho and getting a great big hug
...phone calls with dad, mom, and Meghan at different times during the day
...going to bed before 1 a.m. tonight!

...it's happy here tonight...