can't help but notice...

I know they (whoever they are) say to never compare yourself to others (they also say never say never). Comparison is bad! It's a killer of self-esteem and self-confidence! Don't do it!!

That, my friends, is much easier said than done. Much easier.

One of my biggest faults is comparing myself to others. I constantly notice the differences between me and other people. It's not helpful. Not at all. I've tried not to notice, but it's kind of like trying to omit the word "like" as a modifier of every word. As soon as I notice I'm saying "like" all the time and I try to remove it from my conversations, I say it more. It's a similar thing with comparing myself to others. As soon as I realize I'm making comparisons and try to stop, I do it more often.

This is particularly difficult in the writing center (as opposed to where it isn't difficult??). Every time I see another intern do a tutorial, I'm amazed. They have such confidence, and they notice so many things about students' papers. They're excited about what they're doing, and they easily guide discussions with the students about the papers. Their sessions last 30 to 40 minutes each. They're great at tutoring! It comes naturally to them.

Then there's me. When I tutor, I'm completely on edge. I get tongue-tied and lose my train of thought, especially if I notice that the tutor observing me has written something on my evaluation sheet (which I'm always painfully aware of). Finding anything to discuss with the student is an ordeal each time, and I feel as though I'm grasping at straws to find at least one issue to help the student with. There are a few times where I make it up, just to find something. Getting a discussion going is so hard, too -- I feel that I never have anything important or helpful to say, and I constantly auto correct my speech to form questions, rather than "you could" statements. My tutorials barely last 25 minutes, and I frequently fight back tears.

So there's them, the other interns, super excited about their job and engaging students in detailed, information packed tutorials. And then there's me, trying not to cry while praying that the student will go away.

Try as I might, I can't help but notice these differences between myself and the other interns. I jokingly voiced these concerns at the tutor table a few minutes ago, as I've been watching one of the girls tutor. Brad and Tom told me not to worry about it, and that I'm doing just fine. "Everyone has something to contribute, be it with enthusiastic discussion or quiet feedback," Brad told me.

Perhaps he's right. Still...it's hard not to compare.

do you want MLA with that?

I got a phone call this morning. It was a really important phone call. It was a really, really important phone call.

Guess what?

You are getting this message from the desk of the newest BYU Writing Center intern (!!!).

I am beyond excited.

So excited that if I had money I'd go out and buy myself a pair of red high heels to celebrate.

St. George tomorrow morning, my friends. This girl is ready to party!

a list of smiles...

...smiling feels good...

...visited LDC yesterday, got lots of hugs, found out I've become a much better sight reader because of the BYU choir I was in, felt the Spirit like I haven't in months
...coloring books, Cadbury eggs, and Ann
...ACED my religion final
...found my paycheck after tearing my room apart over the course of two days looking for it -- it was inside the envelope containing Jordan's latest letter. Good thing I wanted to read it again!
...finished ALL of my laundry today
...English professor recommended me to the Writing Center as a potential candidate for the writing internship
...got my application in on time on Wednesday and guess what?
...interview with the BYU Writing Center department head on Tuesday for a spot in the TA intern program
...YAY!! *fingers crossed*
...studied my brains out for Stats tomorrow...I think I'm only smiling about that because I'm sort of in a standard deviation-margin of error-Normal distribution- x bar plus/minus 3 times sigma times whatever daze...
...ice skating with Emilyann and Blaine on fresh, smooth, slippery slide ice and NOT falling at all
...first adventure to Iceburg -- I've had shakes from there before, but I've never actually been inside. Well worth it. I've missed out for far too long!
...text message from Brady that absolutely made my day/night/life
...chilling with Parker for several hours last night while he packed for Idaho and getting a great big hug
...phone calls with dad, mom, and Meghan at different times during the day
...going to bed before 1 a.m. tonight!

...it's happy here tonight...