want...

There is nothing I want more than to put on comfy sweats, eat half (or more) of a carton of chocolate ice cream, and sing with Katy Perry as loud as I possibly can. Because days like these I want to drive away, just pack my bags and watch all of those shadows fade.

I'm so tired -- and I don't have any chocolate ice cream because I exercised self-control at the grocery store and only bought the things that I really need.

Not sure what's wrong with me today. It's like being really hungry, so hungry you're empty inside and your stomach is tied up in knots.

Although I'm not physically hungry -- I found these preservative free granola bars at the grocery store which I keep in my pockets and eat between classes. I don't get a break at all on MWF, so I snag a snack when I can. Let me tell you, those granola bars are yummy, yummy. Especially the chocolate-dipped coconut bars. And the peanut butter chip bars. Yummy.

2 hours until I can go home. Cannot wait.

today...

In the past 48 hours, I have had the following comments directed at me:

• "You're an idiot."
• "This is probably the crappiest job I have ever seen anyone do. It's just awful!"
• "Well, clearly you don't know what you're doing at all."
• "You are not helpful." 

What really bothers me about it all is that
1) I did the best I could with the directions I was given (which were given by the person(s) who gave me the directions in the first place),
2) actually, I do know what I'm doing -- the person who said that has no idea what is needed to complete particular tasks which take time and are a little difficult when there are other people needing my attention as well, and
3) helping a person who can't make up his/her mind no matter how many options I give is not my fault.

 In short, I'm feeling exceptionally self-conscious and awkward with everyone I come in contact with. I don't want to go back to the writing center. I don't want to go back to work. No choice though. And so I'm trying to give people the benefit of the doubt -- maybe they were having a bad day or they were frustrated with things, then took it out on me because I was there.

All of this makes me very glad that the rest of the day was good. My friend Corby took me to see The Avengers with him and it was quite enjoyable (you'll be seeing a review of it later on -- if Ann ever posts pictures to go with it, that is). Corby is one of the nicest, funniest, smartest people I know (and I'm not just saying that because he sometimes reads this blog). Not only that, but he bought me a peanut butter shake at Iceburg, and then we talked for a couple of hours about a bajillion (almost) things. It was great to spend time with a good friend!

Then the evening got better. I got a text message from Brady telling me that I'm awesome times a million in all caps with a smiley face. And my dog snuggled with me for a long time because she didn't want me to put her down. And I realized that school is almost over. And I heard this song on the radio:

 

 

Not so great day ended much better than I thought it would. Good, good, good.

 

a list of smiles...

...smiling feels good...

...visited LDC yesterday, got lots of hugs, found out I've become a much better sight reader because of the BYU choir I was in, felt the Spirit like I haven't in months
...coloring books, Cadbury eggs, and Ann
...ACED my religion final
...found my paycheck after tearing my room apart over the course of two days looking for it -- it was inside the envelope containing Jordan's latest letter. Good thing I wanted to read it again!
...finished ALL of my laundry today
...English professor recommended me to the Writing Center as a potential candidate for the writing internship
...got my application in on time on Wednesday and guess what?
...interview with the BYU Writing Center department head on Tuesday for a spot in the TA intern program
...YAY!! *fingers crossed*
...studied my brains out for Stats tomorrow...I think I'm only smiling about that because I'm sort of in a standard deviation-margin of error-Normal distribution- x bar plus/minus 3 times sigma times whatever daze...
...ice skating with Emilyann and Blaine on fresh, smooth, slippery slide ice and NOT falling at all
...first adventure to Iceburg -- I've had shakes from there before, but I've never actually been inside. Well worth it. I've missed out for far too long!
...text message from Brady that absolutely made my day/night/life
...chilling with Parker for several hours last night while he packed for Idaho and getting a great big hug
...phone calls with dad, mom, and Meghan at different times during the day
...going to bed before 1 a.m. tonight!

...it's happy here tonight...

i scream...

For da ice cream!!!

Oh yes. I will scream for da ice cream. Because da ice cream? It's da bestest.

After choir yesterday, I was really sad. I'd been trying to just go along like nothing was wrong, but I guess I'm not good at hiding things (duh). A couple of friends asked me how I was doing, and everything just sort of broke through the flimsy barrier that had been hastily constructed overnight. Sierra and Brady helped me so much--Sierra listened and when she did, I felt a wonderful feeling of safety and reassurance that things would be okay. Brady shared some of his own experiences and taught me that pain and peace can exist side by side (he also shared a scripture that I keep in mind now, Matthew 11:28-30). Both of them helped me to feel peace, and to feel loved. SOOO very thankful for both of them; they are two of the most quality people you can meet.

Ann, Brianna, and Shelby had a different sort of remedy for my sadness. We met up at Smith's in the evening and bought ice cream. Lots--and I mean LOTS--of ice cream. Triple Brownie. Rainbow Sherbet. Caramel Praline. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. Mint Chocolate Chip. And Sprite, to go with the sherbet so we could make frappe. Exciting much? I think YES. We took our miniature ice cream shop to my house, and we used the biggest bowls in the cupboard. Ice cream much? Yeah. It was great to sit out on the porch eating ice cream and enjoying the beautiful almost autumn evening, just us girls. My sisters and my little dog Misty joined us as well. Misty adores Brianna. I kind of think the feeling is mutual!

It was so good to be with my friends. It was so nice to feel loved and cared for, to be accepted and understood. I am truly blessed, more blessed than I can comprehend, to have so many wonderful people in my life.