fish-ay, fish-ay...

One of my most proud moments in my life was when I conquered my fear of shoulder-deep water and the possible loss of fingers to sharks and stingrays at the Living Planet Aquarium touch pool. Ever since that day a few years ago, I wanted to go back and visit the little swimming critters.

What's one of the best things about being in a serious dating relationship? You always have someone who is willing to go with you to the random places you find. Like on Saturday.

I feel like we should look more scared right now.

Ermergersh, ERTTERS! Or otters -- probably the best part of the entire aquarium (besides petting the stingray). 

Somethin's fishy... 

Yup! Fishy...sneaky!

me with my stingray buddy (we had a nice conversation) and Adam with his shark friend

Yup. He's adorable. Not to mention he bought me a stuffed otter toy -- we named her Chloe. 

So much fun. I love, love aquariums. I think part of it is because I'm so fascinated with ocean creatures, but I'm terrified of the actual ocean. As in won't go in the water above my ankles terrified. But everything in the ocean? Awesome. As long as I'm not in there with them, I mean.

Aw. That boy. Otter-ly adorable.

spoke too soon...

May I just say that I hate missing school? You get behind, you miss quizzes, you have attendance points docked, you're stuck at home by yourself all day, and if the dog pees on the floor when you were asleep it's your fault because you weren't paying attention. Not that she did that, but if she had.

I especially hate missing school when it's because I can't walk from pain. How do you explain that to a professor? "Dear Professor so and so, I missed your class and the quiz due to a sudden illness that occurs frequently but the doctors don't know what is causing it so...yeah. Sorry."

That's the really frustrating thing about this, not being able to explain it.

And so I'm in my room in bed with Misty at my feet, Molly outside because she won't come inside no matter how hard I try, and a giant smartwater bottle next to me with a picture of a crab inside of it (not very smart, smartwater people: the kind of crab you put on the label does not live in freshwater). I have letters to write, homework to do, a party to finish planning, errands to run if I can, laundry in the washer, and all I've done is watch episodes of "Once Upon a Time". Ann showed me the first couple of episodes and now I'm wondering if this is how a fish feels after it's taken the bait...

disconnect...

Sometimes when I see a picture of myself I stare at it, amazed to see that I'm pretty. Then I look in the mirror and feel like crying.

Being without a voice makes me realize how much I talk on a day to day basis. It also makes me wonder how much of it is ever worth saying, and if I'm just wasting others' time.

No matter how hard I try to be a good primary teacher, I don't feel like I'm making any difference in the kids' lives. I can't get them to behave and they're probably not learning anything at all.

Suddenly men are paying attention to me a lot, not all of it in the "just friends" manner that I'm used to. While it's nice to have friends, it's not nice to be unsure all of the sudden about where all of this is going. I don't want to hurt anyone. Or be hurt, for that matter. Be careful what you wish for. Meh.

I worry too much and I sleep too little because of it. Even when I do "fall asleep" I'm still constantly aware of what's going on around me. The slightest sound or movement brings me jerking out of that place just between waking and dreams, the place where you're trapped between the real and the surreal.

Homework. Busywork, more like. Sick of it. Sick of tests. Sick of this thing called "learning" that really isn't. People don't learn this way. They learn by doing, not by being told what others learned or how someone else did something. Or at least that's how I learn. Like to learn...I don't know.

I never want to be the person who everyone at work hates to work with. I never want to be the manager or supervisor or employer who everyone secretly fears and dislikes. Why would anyone want to be that way? I don't understand why people with "power" use it to intimidate and threaten instead of to empower and educate.

That awkward moment when your mother is right: I am the most selfish person ever. She is right, really.

Sadness vs. Depression: sadness is like a stitch in your side after running very fast for a long time. You can keep living and handling things just fine until you reach a certain point, and then it starts to hurt. Depression, on the other is a constant pain, so constant that it becomes habit. It's a pain so deep that you may not even know it's there because you have nothing else to compare it to. Sadness is comparable. Depression is just heavy.

Every time I go for something I really want, I instantly feel total regret after starting the process. It's like I beat myself up for even daring to hope for something good to come of it. Why should good come to me? I'm no one special. And then after that thought I feel horribly guilty. Recipe for giving up.

My room is a disaster. I started to clean it. Then I sat down in the middle of the pile of clothes on my floor and cried.

Gosh, I am such a...ugh. Sick of this. Especially the crying part.

Water is underrated. Just saying.

surprising...

I am surprised

...by how quickly I can drink a bottle of water.
...that I have cried during every single movie I have watched over the past 4 days.
...because at almost 20 years old I still worry about hurting a stuffed animal's feelings.
...to realize that I go back to school at BYU, of all places, in one day over a week.
...when I get a paycheck from work because I always forget I get paid to have so much fun.
...that John, Ruthie's older brother, gave me such a nice Christmas present (a necklace with my first initial on the chain).
...by how much I miss Jordan.
...at how very awkward I feel around my sisters' friends.
...that sometimes I know more than I think I do.
...when I can eat a huge meal and not feel full, comfortably or uncomfortably, at all.
...to realize that I have only tripped twice in the past five days.
...that it is so comforting to hold a stuffed toy, like my giant, pink, fluffy unicorn (named Agnes).
...by how many of my friends are suddenly pairing off and getting together.
...to find myself wondering if I truly understand what it is to feel love for someone and to feel loved in return.
...at the number of times in the recent past that I have found myself lost for words.
...because despite all of the wonderful, marvelous, joyous things in my life, I'm still lonely.


.

There was a time when I didn't know what happiness was. Happiness: the variable in my life that continually remained undefined. Then all of the sudden life turned upside down. Instead of a daily struggle to even get out of bed, it turned into heaven with only the occasional bump in the road.

For days I've been hit by sadness, but I haven't known why. Everything is well and truly great in my life, so I've been trying to figure out what the heck is going on. Usually I'm so super happy that it's weird to me. Honestly, sometimes it freaks me out how good I feel. So this unhappiness...I don't know where it comes from. Possible factors: an overwhelming feeling of loneliness; a feeling of being back into a corner with no place left to go; being unable to keep up with a house that needs to be kept clean and organized; insincerity.

None of those things seemed like the most probable cause for this feeling of deep sadness. They contribute, yes, but it's easy to get over those. Those factors will hit for an hour or so and it's back to happiness and joy! Then all of the sudden there will be an out of nowhere crash into this sadness that is literally painful. It's the kind of pain in your chest that makes it hard to breath. Sometimes I find myself wrapping my arms around myself as tight as I can to stop the strange, shaky, weakness because it really does hurt. It's a feeling of vulnerability and fear and crumbling to nothing.

A friend of mine had an interesting thought. She said that maybe I'm sad because I'm so happy most of the time. Now before you think this is insane, let me explain: there has never been a time in my life when I was able to be happy or content with anything. No matter how hard I tried, happiness was always just out of reach. It was like trying to drink water with your hands. You got a taste, but before you could drink it all, the water trickled through your fingers to the ground, turning the dirt to mud. That taste wasn't enough to quench an incredible thirst, and each tiny taste was enough to drive you crazy.

I wonder if my friend is right. For so long I was getting sips of happiness without ever being rid of the thirst for true joy. Lately I seem to be immersed in happiness. Instead of being satisfied and content with all of the goodness, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle it, and I'm drowning.

Drowning isn't pleasant. Neither is being thirsty. Not sure how to balance the two yet...