question mark...

dear World,

Why am I so bad at baking? No matter how closely I follow recipes, things never work out well for me.

Sincerely,

a concerned girl who made rolls which she will not be taking to her boyfriend's house for dinner because these are not going to impress his mom.

at all.


ever.

No.

I'm saying no.

No to butterflies.

No to dreams.

No to wishes.

No to one name playing in my head over and over again.

No to having one person being the first and last thought of my day.

No to blushing and giggling and everything else.

No, no, no.

not today...

Woke up early -- not tired a bit. Got up, got dressed, got it under control.  Cute hair, cute dress, cute shoes, cute girl. Ready for another day.

Not ready for the questions.

They came from all directions. Concerned faces, hushed voices, worried looks and whispers.

How's your dad?
How's your family?
What did the doctors say?
What treatments is he getting?
What changes has he made?
Is he happy? Is he sad?
Are you all doing okay?
Is there anything we can do?
How's your mom?
How are your sisters?
(but worst)
How are YOU?

Sympathetic hands laid upon my arm, hugs and promises and ever more questions.

DON'T TOUCH ME I don't scream,
GO AWAY I don't say.

They believe that they are being kind. Which is why I answer -- wrote and boring -- but it's what they want to hear.

He's fine. He's tired.
They're all busy.
Shots. Pills.
Doctors. Bills.
Happy, yes. Sad, no.
Okay -- I assume so. I'm not home much.
I don't know -- I don't live at home -- I don't know what they need.
She's tired.
They're busy.
(they wait expectantly)
I'm fine, too.

I don't tell them that I'm tired. I don't tell them to go away. Instead, I go.

Left church early -- couldn't stand it anymore. Held back tears -- didn't want to explain. Escaped the people and the words and the problem they all want to dwell on. Stood under a tree and listened -- bees buzzing above my head, birds chirping in the bush, heat singing over the ground -- they ask nothing of me. No more questions.

Not today.

it could happen to you...

"I don't know what my body's doing--I just live in it."

-Erin Haskell

So you know how you hear stories about things that go wrong with people's health? Usually the reactions are along the lines of--out loud--"Oh, dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry!" And then inside, sometimes you think Jeez, I'm so glad that's not me or sometimes, That'll never happen to me.

Well, I'm feeling kind of like that quote above right now. I don't know what my body is doing, but it sure doesn't feel very good. I finally went to the doctor today. I very much dislike going to the doctor. Dislike. However, after the last few days a blood test or exam looked a lot less painful than whatever is going on.

Now I've got some meds to see if they'll help. I really hope they do. If they don't, well. Let's just say it won't be fun.

day 47...

a picture of my favorite place to shop...
So one of my favorite movies is Confessions of a Shopaholic. That said...are you really going to make me pick one place? Ugh...I just like to shop. Window shopping, Internet shopping where you don't even buy anything just look and dream, even going to Walmart just for the thrill of shopping because you want to at 1 in the morning...it's fun! And so I'm not going to pick one favorite place. I'm going to pick three.




I love to shop. I just love it. I love to buy stuff for other people, and things for myself. I love to spend money. I told a friend once that I'd probably buy a pack of cigarettes just for the thrill of spending the money, even though I don't smoke and would most likely throw the pack of the things away. He completely agreed with me, and said it wouldn't surprise him at all. Pathetic. Addictive. Fun. Exhilarating. Shopping.

I LOVE SHOPPING!!

and then it went to pot...

I worked the evening shift today. One of the girls texted me and asked if I would cover for her. I didn’t want to…I wasn’t feeling well and just wanted to stay in bed. Buuuuuuut, I figured it would be good to get out of the house, and heaven knows I can use the money. After about two hours, though, I decided that it would have been a very, very good day to just stay in bed. I was just so freakin' clumsy.

First, I dropped an open cooler on the grass and tried to catch it, succeeding only in having the lid slam down on my hand. Which is now bruised. EW. And ouch.

Second, I poured strawberry flavoring into the tiger's blood container, realized my mistake, and tried to pour the liquid back into the right bottle. While trying to do that, I lost my balance and spilled the red juice all over my left hand and arm. That hand is currently dyed pink.

Third, I sprayed myself in the face with a jet of shaved ice because I didn't raise the cup up fast enough. That was in front of a cute guy who was talking to me and asking me questions and stuff and I totally iced my face.

Fourth…I don’t know how it happened but the mango and orange-pineapple flavors went AWOL right at the same time and just like, jumped off of the shelf. Juice everywhere, including on me.

Fifth, while I was refilling the cherry flavor, the flavor mix bubbled up and sprayed all over my pants.

Sixth, I tripped on a cooler and went flying into the cash register, pushing the "total" button and making the receipt spit out like crazy.

Seventh, I smacked the back of my head on the ice chest out back while pulling out another cooler full of ice. Then the lid of the ice chest slammed shut on my back, and I lost my grip on the cooler and dropped it. As it fell, it took half of me with it. I’m sure that the people sitting at the table eating their snow cones enjoyed my impromptu slapstick routine. It probably would have been better if I’d had two more days to rehearse.

By the end of the shift I was freaking embarrassed and wondering what was wrong with me. I just felt sick and disoriented and tired and dizzy, and then everything attacked me.

I must have magic powers or something. I destroy things just by looking at them. And yes. All of this really did happen. Truth is stranger than fiction, friends. I would know. I live truth. My life, no matter what I want, will never be fictional. Which is sad. I really could use an editor to fix my mistakes before they're published for the world (or at least my friends and family) to see.

Anyway. It was definitely an interesting shift. Makes me sooooo excited for Monday.

you're an unpleasant surprise...

Aries strikes again. And this time, he has officially struck out.

When I got out of the shower today I noticed that there was a text from Aries on my phone. He was wondering if I was at home. Yes, why, I said, knowing that he probably would invite himself over. Which ended up happening. I was home alone, so before he could tell me he was coming over I called in backup. Ruthie told me she could be there in half an hour, shortly after Aries would arrive.

He and I didn’t talk about anything. Ruthie deflected the one time the subject came up, when Aries started off by asking me if I still hate him. I told him I don’t, and he said, “Well, you sure made it sound like you do. Seeing as you pretty much told me to go jump off a cliff.”

I never. Ever. Said that. Or anything like it. When I told him so, he said that yes, you did, and then Ruthie broke in loudly saying that she couldn’t find the last two pages of her script for the play she is in. I was very glad she did that, because I was pretty sure any conversation Aries and I started would end very badly. Which kind of happened anyway. After he left, he texted me. All day long I’ve been fighting between anger and heartbreak.

He asked me if I still like him. Here’s where I lied. I really do have feelings for him. Still. Even though I shouldn’t. But it’s not safe for him to know that. If he knows, then he won’t let it go. So I lied. I told him no. Ruthie said it was for the best, too. Then he said he'd wasted my time. I told him he hadn't. Another lie, this time halfway. It was good to see him. At the same time, though, I was wishing he’d never come. While he was sitting there, I just wanted him to leave. It’s impossible to feel safe with someone you don’t, and can’t, trust. It’s hard to be with someone who you are afraid of.

Again, he told me to have a nice life and that I won't be seeing much of him anymore. For some reason, I started to cry. For all of two minutes. Then he said this: “And I’m not shallow enough to stop seeing you because you don’t like me. It’s because I disagree with how you dealt with things.”

*cough*

ExCUSE me? How I dealt with things? Yes, I made my share of mistakes. But for him to have the nerve to say something like that when he knows for a fact that he manipulated and used and hurt me is infuriating.

Now I don’t know how I feel. Furious, yes. And at the same time, I feel crushed. I feel guilty and hurt and terribly alone. I shouldn’t feel guilty. The guilt is misplaced. I feel it anyway, though. Even while I was working, sometime it would hit me and I’d cry.

Jordan was right. It was a bad idea to talk to him. A really bad idea.

I hope he stays away. It’ll be so much easier to get over if he just leaves. This leave and come back and leave and come back and leave again thing is too hard to deal with. I just want him to leave. I’m so scared of him now. This has always been my worst fear, ever since I was little, to get into a mess with a boy who was abusive. And every time, it's my fault. To Aries, it's always my fault.

Work was good for me today. The AF snowie has a TV, and I spent all afternoon cleaning the shack and watching PBS. I had no idea that they have “The Brady Bunch” reruns on PBS!! It totally made me happy. As did watching "America's Got Talent", "The Voice", and an episode of "Avatar: The Last Airbender". Not to mention "America's Funniest Home Videos". There were a couple of times when I was laughing out loud...good thing no customers were there!!

$16.58 in tips made me happy, too. And pistachio snow cones don’t taste anything like pistachios. Just sayin’.

day 21...

a picture of something I wish I could forget...



Ugh.

Read about it here...

there's a problem, officer...

So yesterday I was driving my dad’s car, which has temporary license plates. They are expired. Problem: we can’t get the real plates because we have yet to get the title from California. My brother gave us the car, and it was registered under his name in California. He didn’t have any reason to change it until he gave it to us. We’ve been trying to get the title from California for nearly 6 months.

As with everything government in California, it takes forever. I explained the situation to the officer, and showed him all of the paperwork to help my explanation. He took the papers and my license, went back to his car, and starting running the info through a computer. Usually this only takes five minutes. But no. He took fifteen. So I’m sitting there on a busy road with my window down (I didn’t know how long he would be, and the car has windows that you crank open or closed by hand, and sometimes it sticks) in the pouring rain getting soaked. I was trying not to cry because I was embarrassed to see people I know driving by—I was two blocks from my house. TWO.

The officer came back and handed me a ticket to sign, saying that there were two problems: the first was a warning for the expired plates. Not my fault. It’s California’s fault. We’re doing the best we can to get the plates, like calling them every week. Each time they’ve said that they sent them, then check the records and say, “Oh. Well, we thought we had. We’ll get them to you by the end of the week.” 6 months of that. Not my fault! The second: he wrote me a ticket for not being insured.

This first made me want to just jump off a bridge, and second (I never use this word, but I’m going to now) pissed me off. No insurance? He had the stupid insurance papers in his hand!! I am insured for every vehicle my family owns. I was there to sign the papers that are on file.

When I got home I was furious and threw a slight temper tantrum (and my keys). Then, of course, I started to cry. I was soaking wet, humiliated, angry, scared, and exhausted. The ticket instruction include a court summons thing, and a huge (and as of yet unknown) fine. It’s not even my fault, and half of the charge is wrong!! My dad looked it up with our insurance agent, who said that the cop is either an idiot or is an idiot. I guess he just made a mistake, but I’m mad enough to call him at least a halfwit. That’s a pretty dumb mistake to make, especially when he was holding my freaking insurance papers.

That was part of my Sunday. It was stupid.

speaking of JAR OF HEARTS...

My song for the day is JAR OF HEARTS. I just reread the post I wrote a over the weekend (because I don't have time during the week so I scheduled the songs out in advance). Talk about appropriate! I ran into my friend who I had a kinda sorta break up with (we're going back to calling him Aries, his star sign). It was awkward, uncomfortable, embarrassing, all of the above and more. Apparently he figured out from the way I acted that I'm still pretty upset about what happened. I hate to stay upset about things, but this is really hard. It's hard to be a friend to someone and then to feel completely unable to trust them.

Aries texted me this morning, asking what he'd done. Basically it confirmed what I already know about him, and I don't want to have to deal with this. To be honest, I'm afraid of him. He knows exactly how I work, and he knows how to use that to his advantage. He's proud of it, too.

JAR OF HEARTS wise, I can't go back. I trust him about as much as I trust a rattlesnake with two heads and no rattle: you never know which one is going to strike, and there's no sound to warn you of what's coming.

Happy update: I baked a cake today!! I've found that baking and cooking help me feel better when I'm upset. I rarely eat what I make, but it's nice to make things for other people. My little best fwend (Jason and Jordan's little sister) picked out a cake mix and she "helped" me at her house with it. I hope it turned out all right, and I hope they like it! They liked the last one. The boys are still talking about it, and it's been over two weeks since I made that cake. You know something was really good if a boy remembers eating it two weeks ago and still talks about it. Usually they just move on to the next meal. I can't figure out how they can eat so much and stay fit. They're so lucky!

yes does not mean no...

If you really mean to say no, then don't say yes. It causes serious problems. Trying to get it all sorted out is annoying.

aw, crap...

It's 1:09 in the morning. I just remembered something that's happening in 6 hours. *sobs*

So I'm in choir this year. Concert Choir. Yes, I know, it's not the best choir our school's got, but hey, at least Mrs. Mathews let me in last minute. I was so, so, so afraid to audition for A Capella or Chamber Choir, so I just signed up for the one that didn't require any real talent, aka one without auditions. I was too afraid to fail.

Anywho...I really need to stop saying "Yes" to my teacher when she asks me to sing things. Like "The National Anthem". Which I'm doing...today. In 6 hours and about 45 minutes. For announcements at the start of school. I signed up BEFORE I found out that there really are 1,400 students/faculty aka PEOPLE in the building during school hours. And I'll be in the office, singing into the microphone over the intercom while everyone HAS to listen.

Crap.

Any chance of sleep is pretty much gone now. BUT!!! On the plus side, I have an EMR (Early Morning Rehearsal) at 6:45, an hour before I sing. So.............

at least I'll be warmed up.

our friendly neighborhood undead cemetery tour guide...

Remember Zach? My Ozian best buddy? My sisters and I were finally able to schedule a time where we could hang out. The perfect setting for four Thespians-at-heart: a Halloween Dance!!! Actually it was three of us; Amanda missed the age cut-off by three months. Next year, little sister!

Getting ready started out as a complete and utter nightmare. Meghan and I had planned on wearing our Ozian dresses to the dance. We tried them on last week and they fit fine. As we put them on, we found that it was not going to work. At all. Meghan has grown about two inches-her dress no longer fits because her torso is too long for it. I, by some miracle, have dropped two dress sizes(from an 18 to a 14 [I'll tell you about that later-squee!!! Excited!!!]), and looked like I was wearing a rather sparkly gunnysack. So! Meghan decided to wear one of my dresses from two Halloweens ago, when I was a dark Medieval princess/Morgan le Fay type character (sorry, I can't spell her name, I just know she's from Camelot). She would be Bellatrix Black, teen-aged and still at Hogwarts before meeting Lestrange. That left me wondering what to do. If Zach was planning on being an Ozian, I could wear the dress with some safety pins in the shoulders. But if he wasn't...hm.

Phone call! Any idea how difficult that was? I was BAWLING because I was afraid he'd be mad at me. Which is stupid; he's Zach! It turns out he wasn't going as an Ozian, and would not tell me what he was coming as. Now it was time to panic-no Oz costume, Bellatrix is taken, the Queen Hermione costume from "A Winter's Tale" would look terrible over black tights, GAH!!! Frantic pawing though the closet until...ooo! THIS looks fantastic.

Meet Narcissa Black, soon to become Narcissa Malfoy, sister to Bellatrix and future mother of Draco Malfoy. I found a dress that we'd used in the play "Singin' in the Rain" a long time ago for one of the silent actress characters, and it fit me perfectly (which is saying something-it's skinny). Put on some eye liner, some shadow, and dark red lipstick and presto chango! Narcissa stands before you! Except I don't have a large blonde streak in my hair. We decided that Bellatrix hadn't pulled that prank yet (which didn't actually happen in the book, but we'll go with it anyway). So, without being skanky or anything else, Meghan and I transformed into the two eldest Black sisters, dark and, if I do say so, rather terrifying. *smirk*

Amanda, as I said before, couldn't go to the dance. Still, she wanted to dress up. So she put on some blue jeans, a black top, a black sweater, pulled her hair up slightly, and put a sign on her stomach that said "MUGGLE". Perfect.

It wasn't until we got to the Payson Main Street exit that I started to get nervous. I hadn't seen Zach in, oh, two or three weeks, and I was just full of butterflies from head to toe. My best friend! Yay! Oh, no! No, this is a good thing. Yay! No! Arg!

We got to his house and didn't really know where to go. Last time I was there I was with Kaila (oh, goodness, I haven't told you all about Sadie's yet! Horrors! I will do that soon, promise!) when we picked Brenden (Zach's older brother) and Zach up to go to Sadie Hawkins. We went to the back door, but I wasn't sure if that was because we were supposed to or because Kaila is Brenden's best friend. Luckily Aaron, Zach's oldest brother, was outside, and he sent us to the back door. Carlton, Zach's other older brother, answered the door, looking sort of confused. I would have been too, if there'd been two girls in lacy dresses with heavy make-up and one girl dressed normally showed up at my door in the evening. Lol. We must have looked horrible!

Two words: fabulous beyond all reason. Okay, that was four, but it took that many to tell about his costume! He was dressed up as some sort of 3 Musketeer looking thing, but not at the same time. Probably due to the fact that he'd sprayed his hair white and had painted his face like a skeleton. All in all, he looked awesome! I'm so glad my sisters and I actually went all out, otherwise we would have been totally shown up. Lol. Theatre guys rock. I was so happy to see him! He's handsome even when undead. Haha.

So I don't know if I've told you, but Zach lives across the street from the Payson City Cemetery, which is third on the list of Most Haunted Sites in Utah. I remember walking out to the car with Zach, and then noticing that we were going in the complete opposite direction from where I'd parked. Instead, we were heading to the cemetery gate, which stays open pretty much all night. Zach wanted to show us "where I grew up". My first thought, yeah right. No, seriously. He told us all about playing there with his friends during the day and the night, pulling pranks on the ghost hunters who came out with their contraptions to find "things", and scaring off the drug dealers who frequented the area for awhile. It's true-I asked his mom.

When I mentioned that my grandpa was buried in the cemetery, Zach wanted to try and find it. We spent a few minutes searching the map, but couldn't figure out how to read it. Amanda took the opportunity while my back was turned to scare me silly. The funny thing was, though, that as Zach took us deeper into the cemetery and farther from the light, I got braver and Amanda got more freaked out. She kept stopping, and I kept walking until I was far ahead of them. I think it unnerved Zach that I was so determined to keep going. He knows I get scared easily, and he thought I'd be the one to want to leave.

Finally he caught my arm and made me wait for them to catch up. I had a reason for wanting to walk away. I've been having nightmares about that cemetery for two weeks. I wanted to figure out why. I found that I actually wasn't scared until Zach made me stop and said very firmly that we were leaving. What frightened me was that he'd been so calm and seemed so at home there (no pun on his undead costume), reassuring us that he'd never take us anywhere where we could get hurt and that there was nothing to be afraid of. Then all of the sudden he's got a hold of me and looks in my eyes, telling me that we have to go right now. That's when I got scared. So, I made it easy for him. I left without a fight, which also surprised him. Haha. We're always throwing each other off guard. It's fun. You know, I think I might have actually scared him by my interest in the cemetery. He knows I hate scary things, and the dark, but I kept on going farther and farther in. Maybe that's why he wanted out of there. Hm. I'll have to ask him.

Zach is amazing. We didn't dance much, because Zach always seems uncomfortable. He says he doesn't know how to move to music that isn't ballroom or ballet or anything. He can break dance a little bit, but "that's different". Whatever, I'm totally fine playing shadow tag out in the grass. Which is what we did. It was awful! I kept losing because I couldn't figure out how to keep my six shadows away from him and Meghan! There were three streetlights and a light from the church where the dance was, and somehow I'd stand just where they could all hit me. He of course found the one spot where no lights hit him, and shared with Meghan. Ugh. I lose at games.

We talked about a lot of interesting things. Some of my past came out without meaning to, because he's had similar experiences. I didn't want him to know those things. At all. Too late now. He still doesn't know all of what you know, though. Hope he never reads this. Lol. That would be awkward!

And, he finally poked me. When we drove him home, Amanda came with us, and she wanted to see if he was "pokeish". While saying good-bye, she, being the flirt she is (lol, long story), sneaked up behind him and poked him. He retaliated, and also got Meghan. I was outta there, but he wasn't going to give up easily. He chased me! I got out into the street and turned around, and Zach just kept running after me. He missed the first four times. Then he just started to talk to my sisters, and being the "innocent thing" that I am, I fell for it. I came back towards them and he got me. Embarrassing moment-I totally screamed because it surprised me and tickled. Gosh.

Zach is amazing. He's probably the most amazing guy I've ever met. Which scares me, in some ways. I might get too attached. And that would be bad.

I think that was the most fun I've had in a very long time. The cemetery was my favorite part; Amanda was so funny! She keeps saying that the reason she was scared was because she kept waiting for Zach's friends to jump out from behind headstones and trees. She thought he'd been planning it the whole time. He'd never do that. At least, not with me around. He knows I'd never speak to him again. Haha. Nah. I'd just fall apart and then not speak to him for a very long time. He knows I trust him. And, funnily enough, he trusts me. See? Best friends. I told you so. :) Or did I? I might've forgotten. Gah, there's so much I have to tell you all! And so I won't forget later on.

I think you're going to be hearing more about Zach. Shall I post a disclaimer on posts about him so you can skip if you don't want to read it? Lol.

Best night ever. I hope there are more of them down the road.

i am a great big slacking loser...forgive me?

It has been over a month and a half since I put something on here. O.o Shall we paste a huge "L" on my forehead and call it good?

Really, though. I want to apologize for not writing. I mean, I've totally neglected you guys, who are my friends and like my family. Not to mention I've had so many amazing things happen that should have been written down IMMEDIATELY and didn't 'cause I'm dumb. :P I will be working on my slackerness. I promise.

Right now I am off to compile a list of things that happened in the past few months, along with finding pictures to narrate the stories. SOOOOOOO much has happened. I'll just post the big things. And a few of the little things that were important to me.

Also I want to apologize for not reading your stuff. Sometimes I get online and see the 100+ posts that I need to read and panic. It takes me over an hour to read all of your guys' lives. I feel like a jerk if I only pick the "interesting" headings, so I just decided to avoid the situation altogether (sorry, cuileann, this is repetitive for you). Once again...forgive me?

I'll be back in a little bit! <3 and *hugs*,
GKB

separation anxiety...

Not good, not good, not good. 19 hours and counting until I'm back again. 19 hours and counting...counting...counting...

Sick, sick, sick. Can't concentrate, can't sleep, can't eat. Fuzzy thoughts and twitches and shaking. Ugh. Who knew?

going through withdrawals...

I MISS MY OZ FRIENDS!!!

This is so weird. I miss my friends soooo much, and I do NOT want this show to end. Taking this three day break from the show (the whole cast) is KILLING me. I miss Carisa and Jaz and Belen and Emma and Anna Jane and Miranda and Laura and Jaden and Necia and Darren and Kensey and Greg and Brenden and Kaila and Kerstin and Megan and Dawn and Jesse and Jessica and Tasha and Kylee and Mary and Brooke and Candace and Ashley and Megan and Chris and De and Hannah and Steve and Kara and everyone else because if I write out all of your names it will take up a whole page!!!

But there's one person who I'm missing so much that I've felt sick all day. I couldn't sleep last night because I kept thinking about him. I couldn't eat breakfast because I was sick to my stomach. I've been fighting a headache and tears all day. I can't concentrate and my chest feels like it's going to explode because of how fast my heart keeps beating. And why? WHY???

Because of a BOY!!!

*sniff*

Wednesday seems so far away. Until then I will fight being miserable. I've been fighting all day. And boy, I am losing badly.

catching up...

Thursday, August 20
School sucks. The end.

Friday, August 21
See my 20 ?s post if you want to. I missed third period today (Concert Choir/beginning choir) to go to a funeral. A friend of mine lost her father in a car accident; he was killed after a trailer fish tailed and flipped the car over. Pray for her? Thanks.

No rehearsal tonight. School dance! Read about it in an earlier post.

Saturday, August 22
Will Rehearsal of Doom NEVER END?!?!?!? It did, finally, after waiting around from 9:00 until 3:30 to actually be onstage, and then having to wait for mom until almost 7:00 so she could work on filming with Misty. Ugh. Tech sucks. At least it's over.

Sunday, August 23
Oquirrh Mountain Temple dedication today. My family and I went to the second session. I really liked what the speakers talked about (temple work, dedication, sacrifice, love for others). The choir was okay, except for one flat tenor. Or was it a bass? I can't remember. I just remember that I felt really special and happy during the meeting.

Monday, August 24
My first day in Mr. Jackman's Health Science class for real. We didn't do much-he doesn't even let us take notes because he says "This is too boring to write down, so don't. I'll just tell you if it's important, and if I forget to tell you and it's on the test then you all get 100%." He's awesome.

First dress rehearsal, and first ever Monday rehearsal. Hannah did my make-up for me tonight; I don't have a clue as to how to do regular make-up, let alone stage make-up. When I was just learning this art, I was in CATS at PCT (same place I'm doing WoOz). I tell you what, it's way harder to learn how to do little details and small strokes when you're used to putting a glob of brown on a two inch sponge and covering your whole face with it.

My costumes are working! Yay! Now let's hope my tap shoes don't squish my toes off.

Tuesday, August 25
My first day in Concert Choir. Mrs. Mathews asked me to stand up in front of the class and sing a warm-up by myself. Awkward. I was terrified, but ended up being given a standing ovation by my classmates. The sopranos (Sops) have dubbed me section leader. So no pressure, right? :/

I spent my free fourth period talking to Riley about everything from ridiculously large English textbooks to Avatar. It was pretty much amazing. Right after school I went to audition for Guys and Dolls and totally flubbed it. Seriously, my voice cracked twice during my song, and I forgot some of my lines from my monologue. Improvisation is not something I do every day, so I was just blargh. Pretty much ruined the rest of the day. Yes, I know, that's emotionally unintelligent, but ya know what? Deal with it.

I hate working. I had to drive out to rehearsal tonight because I worked until 6:00. I think I don't like it mostly because it takes time away from the things I really want to do (like study and perform and take dance lessons) and my uniform shirt is too small (I won't get a free one until October). I'll stop complaining now.

Rehearsal was fine. I did my own make-up and did well on the dance steps. Wait until opening night. I'll probably totally screw up. Oh, speaking of rehearsals. I'm sort of making a new friend with Zach, Brenden/Scarecrow's little brother. Well, not little little. 10 months younger than me. He's super nice. And cute.

Wednesday, August 26
Watched a rather grotesque film in Health Science about Phineas Gage, a man who had a tamping rod shot through his brain, disconnecting the cerebral cortex from the reptilian brain (or limbic system), and survived. In 1884. WtFreak, right?

Today the dance/movement auditions for Guys and Dolls were after school. I had an awesome time! Sarah, my Algebra 2 buddy, said that I was the only one who looked like I was having tons of fun. Well, I was. It was the first dance audition that I've had where I didn't totally screw up. It was a total blast! I kind of hope I get cast as just a dancer; the choreographer is really talented and super nice.

Final Dress rehearsal, with audience. It was fantastic; they loved it! We performed for the senior citizens. Nana, or my grandma (who thinks she's all that and has total control and blah, blah, blah), said that the senior citizens never respond-they don't laugh, they don't clap, they just act like they're dead. Um, hello? Does she not remember that she falls into that same category? That woman is so up in the night sometimes.

I spent some more time with Zach tonight. I help him pull his ginormous tree costume on when he goes onstage during the Tin Man scene. All of the apples keep falling off. I have to go around chasing them so I can stick them back onto the fabric. He finds it funny. So do I.

Thursday, August 27-OPENING NIGHT!!!
Started my college classes today. I was late for Communications 1050, and the other kids in my class (19, yay, I'm not alone!) told me that the teacher had called my name and said that she knew me, then wanted to talk to me over the microphones. When they said I wasn't there, she (Janet) asked them to tell me she'd said hello and to get on the mic when I showed up. I declined the invitation to say hello. Rude of me perhaps, but that is so weird. I have never met her in my life!

Meteorology 1010 is going to be a pain. For starters, the textbook costs $120.90. OUCH.

Didn't make call-backs.

Opening Night was great! All of the tech (which was a disaster and the people on the crew are mostly rude-cough, flight manager) pulled together, and the audience was great. They loved it! Problems on my part-I kind of forgot to pull my J-bug mask on before I went onstage. I didn't even notice until after I got offstage to prepare for my second entrance. Oops. Other than that I did well, I think. Yay!

Zach and I talked a lot tonight. He's really a nice guy. We now have an inside joke, which we repeat to one another every night. "Break a nose." Haha. Don't ask.

Friday, August 28
I slept through first and second period today, so I missed Seminary and Health Science. I guess I was super tired, because I heard my alarm clock go off and had this conversation with myself- "Georgie, you've got get up. But I can't get up! But I have to; I've got school and stuff! I just can't. I just can't. I can't, I can't, I...*zzzzz*". For reals. It was a conscious conversation, where I lost to sleep. So, dad wrote me a note so I could check in to Algebra 2, which I did. Then I spent my free fourth period making up Health Science, because Jackman teaches it during second and fourth periods on A days and B days. Convenient.

Second performance night! Screwed up again during "Jitterbug" but not as badly. I just crashed into Kensey/Dorothy when Misty/Toto ran in the opposite direction from me. I gotta get that dog offstage! Sorry if I run you over! Zach stood in the wings watching, which was sort of nerve wracking because I found myself wanting to impress him, and ended up not doing so great. Trying too hard I guess. He still told me that I did a great job. Then I remembered that he's never watched it any other time. *phew* Close one.

I didn't see anyone that I knew in the audience. *sigh* I hope some of my friends can come.

Zach and I are having way too much fun together. From skipping like Dorothy and Scarecrow down the halls to breaking noses, we keep laughing and talking about everything. Except ourselves. I actually don't mind that one bit. It's great to not have to explain yourself to someone; things just pop up out of nowhere and you don't have to worry about being judged. I love that about Zach.

Saturday, August 29
Slept until 12:30, which was so amazing. Then I didn't really do anything, until mom and I had a huge fight about me before rehearsal. We won't go into details; I'd have to admit defeat. Which I kind of just did.

Zach and I hung out almost the whole night. I'd get up to go somewhere and he'd follow me. I didn't mind one bit. Emma, Carisa, Belen, and Jaz say I'm in love. Not in love, but definitely twitterpated. It was interesting, because during intermission I went out on the balcony. He followed along, and suddenly we were talking about his role as Tony in West Side Story last year in school. Suddenly he wasn't funny, happy-go-lucky Zach. He was somber and his eyes were full of pain. Zach told me about someone who meant a lot to him last year, the girl who played Maria. It ended badly. The look in his eyes scared me. He looked so heartbroken and alone. That's when I decided that he will never have such pain in his eyes because of me. Friends, and nothing more. I will never hurt him like that.

Major, major, major screw up tonight, involving a missing costume. I wasn't able to do "Jitterbug" because my leotard was gone. I spent ten frantic minutes looking for it, trying to contact my dad in the audience through text message because he had BOTH sets of keys to the van and failing. I cried. Hard. The worst part was that Zach came looking for me to see if I was okay. I didn't want him to see me crying. I hid in the dressing room. He finally found me after the show was over. He gave me a hug and asked me if I wanted to go get ice cream with him and his friends. I said no, because I had to go home with my family (we live half an hour away from Payson). Then he kissed his fingers and placed his hand on my cheek. Remember my promise that we're just friends? Boy, I almost broke that one fast.

My friend from my Ceramics class last year came! Zoe, who is a fantastic performer, said that she had tons of fun and it was super good. I'm so glad she came. I love Zoe!

Sunday, August 30
Spent the day sleeping, uploading pictures, and reading. Now I'm going back to bed. Oh, but I wanted to share this. Don't laugh. It's just silliness.

The Curtain's Up
Every time I’m with you is like
preparing to go onstage.
Knees begin to shake;
heart begins to drum;
stomach full of frantic,
fluttering butterflies.

Anticipation.
Exhilaration.

And sometimes, even dread.

Take a deep, steadying breath
and clasp my hands tightly
behind my back.
Try to keep them from reaching up
to my hair, or in some cases,
yours.

The music starts,
the lights go up.
Curtains open onto
figures in bright colors,
busy going about their
memorized lives, oblivious

to me and you.

And you, oblivious,
to me.

are you kidding?

Beginning tomorrow, there are three days until the official start of my Senior year in high school. Three days until my Senior status, and three minutes ago I just lost a tooth.

No joke. I was eating a Starburst just for fun, and because I wanted to, and all of the sudden I noticed that one of my molars was really hurting. It felt like it was digging into my gum. Perhaps there was some rather sticky bit of candy left behind, so I wiggled my tongue and *pop*. A white tooth landed in my hand.

This just proves that I am behind my age group in many developmental areas (what? really?). In kindergarten, I lost two teeth. TWO TEETH. What the heck, right? In first grade, maybe five. In second grade, twoish. Third, zero. Fourth, zero. Fifth, zero. Sixth, zero. It was not until TENTH GRADE that I started losing the smaller molars. I lost two teeth in tenth grade, two in eleventh, and now another one as I start twelfth.

Great. Now I start school with a big, gaping smile. It was cute when I was a kid, but now it'll just look like I don't have proper hygeine. There's no WAY it'll have grown back by Homecoming. Ugh. I mean, the one I lost last year just barely finished growing in a couple of months ago. What's the deal?

fees are paid and results are in...

Despite being up until 4:00 in the morning to create a 19 page study guide, I did not fail my test. Nope, nope, nope. I got 185/200, or roughly 92%, which means..........

I DIDN'T FAIL THE CLASS!!!

HAHA! Chew on THAT, Mr. My-way-or-the-highway-professor-who-closes-the-class-five-days-before-the-end-of-the-semester (no offense). I didn't fail. I got a high B+. Neaneer, neaneer, neeeaneeeeeeeerrrrrrr!!!!

The test really wasn't that hard; I probably could have gotten a higher score if I hadn't been confused about certain questions, aka those regarding the chambers/functions of the heart, veins, and arteries. I think I got the left ventricle confused with the right something that starts with an "a". Oh, well.

And just because I can, I will tell you that ALL of the information that I needed was on the study guide, which only took 19 pages. The textbook was 530-something pages long. And that was the BRIEF edition. Good gravy, too many big words!

As for registration, my mom and I went over to MVHS and fixed up my schedule. Again. Honestly, I just cannot make up my mind or else the counselors cannot get it right. Probably a little bit of both this time; since my Ballroom class is now accredited for a required PE class for Seniors, I got kicked out of the PE class that I really wanted to take. When we went in today, I wanted to re-register for it, but it is no longer being taught during the period I had open. SOoO...mom and I looked through the class options and found, you'll never guess...an open choir class!

So, my schedule. Instead of looking like this:

First Semester:
A1-Seminary
A2-Released on MWFs, Communications 1050 on TTHs
A3-Algebra II (I know...sigh)
A4-Released (for the mo)
A5-Meteorology 1010 on TTHs

B1-Advanced Woods
B2-Released on MWFs, Communications 1050 on TTHs
B3-Released (for the mo)
B4-Released (for the mo)
B5-Meteorology 1010 on TTHs

Second Semester:
A1-Ballroom
A2-Released on MWFs, English 2010 on TTHs
A3-Algebra II
A4-Released
A5-Philosophy and Ethics 2050 on MWs

B1-Advanced Woods
B2-Released MWF, English 2010 on TTHs
B3-Seminary
B4-Released
B5-Philosophy and Ethics 2050 on TTH

now looks like this:

First Semester:
A1-Seminary
A2-Released on MWFs, Communications 1050 on TTHs
A3-Algebra II (I know...sigh)
A4-Released (for the mo)
A5-Meteorology 1010 on TTHs

B1-Advanced Woods
B2-Released on MWFs, Communications 1050 on TTHs
B3-SATB Choir
B4-Released (for the mo)
B5-Meteorology 1010 on TTHs

Second Semester:
A1-Ballroom
A2-Released on MWFs, English 2010 on TTHs
A3-Algebra II
A4-Seminary
A5-Philosophy and Ethics 2050 on MWs

B1-Advanced Woods
B2-Released MWF, English 2010 on TTHs
B3-SATB Choir
B4-Released
B5-Philosophy and Ethics 2050 on TTH

Yay. And as a bonus, most people have found it easier to pay fees online, so there was absolutely no wait to pay for my stuff, get my Student Handbook/planner, and even change my class. Awesome, no? Heck yes.

So. That's been my day so far. It never really ended from yesterday, to be honest. I took a "nap" from about 4:30 am-7:30 am. I think I might take another before I have to go to rehearsal tonight. Ew.

I'll be honest, I absolutely love being in plays and choirs and such. I love the process of learning the steps, the music, the cues, and seeing it all put together. But as soon as it's time to perform...get me out of here! I HATE performing. When people ask me, "What is your least favorite thing about being in a production?" and I respond "Performances.", people laugh their heads off. But I'm serious. Performing sucks. I love to learn new things and be ready to perform, but I hate putting myself out there and actually doing it for an audience. Call me cawazy, but I am cawazy. ;)

Expect one or two more posts today sometime; I need to post about Authorpalooza and hand out some awards.

Stay tuned! (unless you don't wanna-i understand. *sniff*)

(( haha, just kidding! whooee i'm tired!!!))

cram...

I finished my study guide for my Health final tomorrow (or today-see *). I think I'm going to fail this-there is SO much to remember!

So, now that I'm done, I'm going upstairs to print it off, put it in my bag, and go to sleep until I have to get up in a few hours to go to my high school and finish registering. Ugh. It's going to be a heck of a long day.

*technically this was posted at 2:29 am on Thursday the 13, but then there would have been no Wednesday post. so it's a Wednesday post on a Thursday morning. :)*