look before you leap...

I'm sitting here mentally kicking myself (and breaking a few ribs). "You couldn't leave well enough alone, could you?" the not so kind voice in my brain keeps saying. No, I couldn't. I never do. Why? Because, and I quote, I'm "too nice." Too nice, too helpful, too over enthusiastic, too grand in my thinking, too...you get the picture.

In the process of getting somewhere, I often forget that the actual process is indeed just that: a process. So I see these grand results in my imagination and get started on making that vision a reality. Then about halfway through the process, I realize, "Whoa...this is a lot bigger than I thought it was going to be..." By then I'm stuck though. No backing out, and not sure how to move forward.

See, oftentimes I don't think. I get myself into trouble with forming relationships (friendships, seeing as I've never had a romantic relationship), carrying out projects, and other various situations because I forget that there is always a mean to an end. This has happened a lot today. The term "look before you leap" is more like "you leaped and now you're stuck looking over your shoulder thinking 'shoot...I should have thought about this a little bit.'"

I should know better. Here's why: Once upon a time I was shown an absolutely terrifying video in a church lesson. A boy was standing on the edge of a dock jutting out into a pond. The water looked fine, greenish and calm like most ponds do. He jumped into the water with a huge splash. Cut to underwater camera shots of dark, murky, weed ridden and garbage infested horror as the boy got caught in the tangled mess below the surface.

And people wonder why I won't go into a pond, a lake, a river, or the ocean if it comes up past my knees...

The message of the video was that of the old saying "look before you leap". I was always confused by this because there were several camera shots showing the water's surface. It looked totally clear. You can't always see what's hiding in a pond, you know. Who knows what could be lurking in there? But I did get the message.

Though I remember the message, I don't apply it well to things that are not body of water related. Like, for example, real life. I keep jumping into things without examining the possible outcomes. I'm not saying I take huge risks, but I don't think. "Look before you leap" doesn't seem to have made it as a retrievable entry in the "command" section of my brain. Instead, I jump in head first and only after I'm at the bottom of the pond do I realize...maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

I guess I'm more of a leaper than a looker. Funny...I can't even swim.

nothing...

I've been sitting on my bed for the past twenty minutes trying to wrap my head around all of the thoughts that are flying through my mind. There is so much going on in my head: to-do lists, conversations, memories, song lyrics, problems I need to sort out, frustrations, lists of blessings and people, things I wonder about. And the strangest thing about it is the utter lack of feeling occurring inside me right now. I literally feel nothing. No pain, no joy, no anger, nothing. At this point I'm merely made up of thoughts that are absolutely disconnected from any emotion.

Earlier in the day I was full of emotions. The range was from one end of the spectrum to the other, from the violent, furious reds of rage to the calm, serene violets of peace. I was all over that ROY G BIV mood necklace palette. For example (just a few):

Anger-I am very, very tired of people who I consider friends trying to discourage me from going on a mission. They all say the same thing: "I don't want to discourage you, BUT..." and off they go with all of the reasons they don't think women should serve missions. If it was just one person, fine. That's one person. However, it's more than one, and it's always a man. I shouldn't care what they think, but when it's a friend saying it, I DO care. I finally just tell people that I don't want to talk about my mission plans with them anymore because I don't want to stay angry or say something that will cause an argument.

Discouraged-See above. Money. Worries about going to BYU. Being unable to keep up with housework. Still coping with some health problems that I don't understand.

Sad-See above. I miss Jordan. I miss Shelby. Saddened by the fact that I can't talk to some of my friends about one of my sincerest desires to go on a mission because they think it's stupid and selfish for a woman to serve a mission (yes, they said that). I also don't feel good enough to go to BYU, and I feel that each good thing I try to do isn't good enough.

Happy-I have amazing friends. I have amazing opportunities. I have the knowledge that the Savior loves me and that I am a child of GOD.

Fearless-With God, all things are possible. So why do I feel sad and discouraged, too? Meh.

Hyper-Caffeine...good friends...making cookies...Christmas activities...BBC's Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle...

Now I've gone from all of that to nothing. Just nothing. No worries, no fears, no anger, no sadness, no happiness, not even tiredness. How can a person feel nothing? The absence of emotion is odd. My mind says it should unsettle me, but I don't feel very unsettled. Absence of emotion, remember?

While I don't feel unsettled, I neither feel content. I'm just here, sitting on the bed typing and thinking. And another nothing: no interest in men. That is weird. It's like I just flipped a switch on Thursday night and any attraction to anybody was shut off. Yeah, yeah...it'll last all of one more day at the most, I know. You don't need to tell me I'm silly. You can if you want to though! I don't mind.

sometimes I wonder...

I've learned a lot this weekend. I've learned that I
1) don't flirt,
2) don't understand adult humor,
3) don't understand most normal humor,
4) that if ever I am a distressed damsel, I usually have to take care of the problem by myself because I'm either afraid to ask for help or asking for help would be pointless, and
5) that I'm socially bashful and on many occasions very awkward.

How do I know this? Well, either someone told me or, after noticing patterns in my life, I came to the conclusions myself.

Last night I went to a play with my parents. It was supposed to be a comedy buuuuuuut I wasn't laughing. Why? Because I didn't get any of the jokes. My parents were both laughing their heads off, as were most of the people in the audience. Not me though. That was a weird start to the night, being the only one who didn't get the jokes. Heck, even the 12-year-old kid whose dad was in the show was laughing! Sometimes I wonder...

This particular group of friends has a tradition of going to IHOP after a show, whether they performed in it or not. The three families (mine, the Carrascos, and the Poulsens with Jaden who is their cousin) made a sort of caravan over to the nearest IHOP and we, as usual, took up three tables. I sat with the younger people, me being the oldest at nearly 20 and the youngest being 11 (who I met when she was 9 months old). On the other end sat the real grown-ups, or at least age wise. I'm not sure about the maturity level...lol.

As I sat with the kids, one of them being one of my best friends (Jaden), I didn't understand half of what they were talking about! Their jokes and comments and such just went over my head. Or sometimes I got the gist of it, but I didn't want more than the gist because I could feel my cheeks burning (as Mitchell so kindly pointed out several times). To top it off, Mitchell started giving me advice about boys. And a lot of the advice sounded rather sound, too. For nearly twenty minutes I received relationship advice from a 12-year-old. A TWELVE year old! What is WRONG with me?! Sometimes I wonder...

So, I don't get adult jokes. So, I don't get teenage jokes, either. So, I'm the only one besides the 11-year-old who can't claim to have some sort of relationship, though I'm not sure if it counts for them or not. I mean...how lame is it to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend when all you can do is hang out at recess, and you have to ask your mom to drive you over to his or her house to hang out? You can't even go on a date because you don't have any money! So, why do these things bother me so much when none of them really matter? So what? Whatever the what is, it seems to mean a lot more to me than it should.

It was an awkward night for me. It's been an awkward weekend, to be honest. Not to mention this morning that I got super dizzy in the shower, thought I was going to throw up, and suddenly found myself on the ground wondering what the heck happened.

My sister Meghan has always (and I mean always) conveniently passed out while surrounded by strapping young men who carry her to a couch, bring her water, and do all sorts of heroic acts to make the distressed damsel comfortable. Me? I pass out in the shower. There is nothing dignified or romantic about that. Sometimes I wonder...

And, yes. Someone told me I don't flirt and that I'm socially bashful and often awkward. Gee...thanks for that. Now that I know what my problem is, I'm going to go read my book. Maybe I'll get lucky and find a Beast to fall in love with me...after all, he does have a beautiful rose garden in which I could amuse myself for hours on end. If I take care of his flowers well enough, do you think he'd overlook the bashful awkwardness? I'll take my chances.**


**I'm not bitter. I'm actually making myself laugh...seriously.**

obvious...

As you know, I'm pretty stupid when it comes to boys. I am almost 100% unable to hide the way I feel. This makes it very difficult for me to act "normally", and it often leads to me blushing like a tomato (as Coty put it yesterday), stuttering, and letting things slip without meaning to.

For example. I have a picture of Steve Rogers (Captain America) on my cell phone as my background. Yes, I'm a little bit obsessed, but at least it isn't Batman. Anyway. Several of the girls at work and I have decided that our only male coworker looks scarily like a thinner version of Steve Rogers. One of the girls (Chelsie, who is totally a Disney princess and is one of the funniest people I've ever met) didn't agree with us until she caught a glimpse of my phone tonight. She thought I'd put our coworker's picture on my phone! Nope. Just good old Steve. Who my coworker happens to look like.

After she decided that he does indeed look like Captain America, we showed him the picture. He did some sort of super hero/model pose and made us laugh our heads off (we do that a lot).

Later I regretted ever showing him because of my more than slight attraction to him. He was using my phone to try and help me figure out some security settings. While working with it, he casually commented that Captain America is quite the attractive man. Then, glancing slyly sideways at me he said "I wish I looked like him."

Words failed me and I blushed so badly that I got a headache.

could be worse...

This post is stupid. Beware. But I'm doing it anyway.

Shattered. Devastated. On the upside of destroyed. Lost. Heartbroken. But despite it all, not surprised. Surprised at the pain, though. That does surprise me.

Dramatic and pathetic, I know that. But it's how I feel tonight. For example: 3 hours and 2 sleeping pills later, I still cannot sleep. I can't get it out of my head. I can't get it out of my heart. I can't stop thinking. And after a whole year of trying, I still can't let it go. Even though now I have no choice. I have to. But I can't.

It hasn't been the worst 9/11 ever. I'm thankful for that.

day 75...

a picture of something I don't leave the house without...

It's a rare thing when I don't take my phone with me. Sometimes my sister takes it with her to work (we now have the same employer, and communication is mainly through text messaging. Since she doesn't have a phone and we don't get scheduled at the same time, she uses mine), and I always leave it home when I go to my church meetings, but other than that I generally have my phone. There have been a couple of times when I haven't taken it with me somewhere, and one of those times I missed out on a date with a really, really nice boy (and deleted the number he called me with before realizing he'd gotten a new phone number because his name didn't show up on the missed calls list. Only the number. Grr). I'm still mad at myself for that one...anyone want to mention to him that I would totally be up for going out with him? Anyone? ;)

Having a phone has been kind of a safety device for me. I like being able to get in touch with friends or family quickly, and it has come in handy several times during sticky (or awkward...also sticky) situations. It's also very helpful for work and for choir, both of which rely on text messaging for the most part to communicate. So yes. Phone home or phone cell, talk to me. It's on 24/7. :)

"Call me, beep me, if you want to reach me!!"

it could happen to you...

"I don't know what my body's doing--I just live in it."

-Erin Haskell

So you know how you hear stories about things that go wrong with people's health? Usually the reactions are along the lines of--out loud--"Oh, dear, that's awful. I'm so sorry!" And then inside, sometimes you think Jeez, I'm so glad that's not me or sometimes, That'll never happen to me.

Well, I'm feeling kind of like that quote above right now. I don't know what my body is doing, but it sure doesn't feel very good. I finally went to the doctor today. I very much dislike going to the doctor. Dislike. However, after the last few days a blood test or exam looked a lot less painful than whatever is going on.

Now I've got some meds to see if they'll help. I really hope they do. If they don't, well. Let's just say it won't be fun.

day 43...

a picture of something I can't function without...

Yes, I know. Pretty pathetic. Especially now that people are coming out with studies saying that cell phones are linked to brain cancer. I don't talk on my cell phone very much, so I guess it's more like I'll get a cancerous tumor in my leg because it's always in my pocket. Joy. Texting really is dangerous.

I find it funny that every time we humans come up with some helpful, time saving device to make life more effecient and "easy", we find out a few years later that we've actually made things worse. Of course.