back to school...

This is a whiny post.

Basically I really, really, really, really, really do not want to go back to school. I don't want to go to class. I don't want to sit in those ridiculous little desks. I don't want to take notes. I don't want to do homework. I don't want to have my life controlled by assignments and busy work. I don't want the anxiety and the stress.

Man, I'm pathetic. I don't want to go so much that I'm crying.

Don't get me wrong, I like to learn. I enjoy discovering new things and expanding my view of the world. What I don't like is the absolute utter exhaustion and anxiety that comes from the way our education system works. I don't like being a grade point average -- I don't like having my future rest on some stupid letters that stand for how well I did at something.

I'll get it done. I always do. I guess this last semester has kind of killed any love for college that I may have possessed. And I'll tell you a little secret -- with the exception of Economics 110, I got straight A's. I knew I wouldn't do super well in Econ, and I only needed a C -- I got a B- and was excited because it was way better than I thought I would do. What bothered me is this: this was absolutely the worst semester of my life, and I felt that I slacked off completely. I didn't feel that I deserved any of the A's that I got -- and I almost feel angry that my lack of effort was given straight A grades.

My half effort was rewarded as excellent. I procrastinated every assignment because the depression was so intense that I could barely function. I skimmed reading assignments and left classes feeling more confused than I was when I went in. I studied like crazy for exams, but never felt confident. I felt that everything I did was pointless and pathetic, and I expected that to be reflected in my GPA.

So what does that make those A's, anyway? Somewhat worthless, if I'm honest. Maybe I'm being ungrateful (actually, I know I'm being ungrateful), but I really do feel like those grades are total lies.

I was mediocre. My papers were excellent, and my professors want me to publish. But the work I put in? It wasn't excellent. It was rushed, last-minute, pathetic.

That's why I don't want to go back to school. I don't want to do the work, especially because I know that even when I don't do as good a job as I should, I'll get outstanding grades anyway. It's like lying.

What I should do is put in more effort and be proactive in my education. I, however, would rather watch Chuck on Netflix, go take photographs of beautiful things, write poetry and articles on things I'm interested in, spend time with the people I care about, sing and dance and play, learn the piano again, read real books, sleep when I can and for as long as I need, and work at a job that actually does something worthwhile (like the one I have).

I suppose this is why there is a thing called retirement. Although...that may quickly become a myth.

they know why...

School is so complicated. It's so much more than going to class and doing assignments. There are all of the hoops to jump through to fulfill requirements, all of the things you can't say in order to remain on good terms with professors and peers, all of the extra things needed outside of classes to show potential employers or educators that you're prepared, all of the little things that no one mentions until you get an email telling you that you dropped the ball you didn't know you were holding.

All of this stress and work and anxiety over a piece of paper with your name on it that says you accomplished something. All of the money, time, energy, frustration, all of it, for the sake of some fake gold lettering that you put on your wall.

There is a point to all of this stuff I'm doing, I'm sure of it. For one thing it keeps me from being bored out of my mind. For another, I'm getting a glimpse of how others think and behave in a way I wouldn't if I just had a job.

However, I don't feel like I'm doing this for any other reason than if I don't, there will be consequences that will be detrimental in the future. Be it social disapproval, or inability to provide for myself or future family, or not being able to do the things I want to do with my life -- I feel as if I go to school out of fear, rather than a desire to learn. A lot of the time I don't feel like I'm learning anything, other than that I'll never get used to how often I feel stupid in school.

I know that there are people who would do anything for a shot at an education. I mean, look at what's happening in Afghanistan. 122 girls and 3 teachers were poisoned by the Taliban while the girls were in school because these girls want an education. Not only that, but this isn't the first time this has happened over there. And you know what? The terrorists aren't stopping girls from going to school. Despite this serious threat, girls in Afghanistan don't let it stop them from learning. They're literally risking their lives to learn. They don't let anything stop them.

I'm not anywhere near as dedicated as they are. Some days I don't even know why I'm going to school. I mean...I go to school out of fear. They go to show the world that no one can stop them. They know why they're going. They know why it's important. I wish I could see it as clearly as they do, free from the lense of doubt and frustration.

I need to be more grateful for what I have. Those girls sure are -- they're grateful for their school houses that are falling down, with three students to a desk and not enough books to go around, while security guards stand outside to keep people from causing trouble. They know what they're doing, and they know why the're doing it. I pray that I can be half as brave and determined as they are.

keep it simple, stupid...

I've been wondering about so many different things lately. I feel like the more schooling I get and the more knowledge I'm (supposedly) gaining, the less I know about the world. It seems to me that my perspective should be widening, but in fact I feel as though my thinking is growing more limited. I'm less receptive to knew things. I push against the complex and the abstract. Having no right answers makes me uncomfortable and anxious about the subjects I study. I should have expected that. I mean, duh. I'm a Humanities major. There are no right answers -- but there are at the same time. If you happen to figure that one out, please share your insights, because I'm really struggling with it.

I mean, how do you define something that is undefinable? The things we discuss in class...these ideologies seek to be formulated and defined, yet they also want to be limitless and free to change. Defining what these things are, like literature and politics and even history, is becoming a grueling, mind boggling task. And, if you can't define something, does it even exist?

All of these questions are controversial because, like everything else, they have no right or wrong answer. I guess I just feel tired and confused and frustrated by how much I don't know, and by how complicated things are made to be. To me, truth shouldn't be complicated. A truthful claim isn't enhanced by complications -- sometimes I feel as though I'm mentally wading through hot tar that is cooling so rapidly that it leaves my mind feeling scorched and stuck in the text or discussion wondering why does anyone care? and is this even important? I don't know what to do with any of it! Learning is no longer freeing, but a chore that must be done, like washing dishes. I hate washing dishes, but if I don't, there are consequences. The gravity of the consequences for dirty dishes have less of an impact on my future than those of not finishing college, I know that. However, both of those things are hard for me to do.

The necessity of education in the world today weighs on my mind too, but the heaviest element is the sheer difficulty and complexity of learning...complexity doesn't help me learn, and it certainly doesn't help me decide how I should use the information I'm trying to understand. If things were simplified, it'd be helpful. I'm not saying water things down or disregard ideas and concepts that pose a challenge for students, but the volume of material that isn't easily comprehensible could be limited a little. Or maybe I'm stupid and don't get stuff like others do.

Simplicity is a beautiful thing. I wonder if simplicity in academics and study is overlooked or under appreciated because simple is just that: simple. I wonder if education and the acquisition of knowledge are seen by society, scholars, teachers, students, whoever it may be, as needing to be complicated and difficult because otherwise the learning didn't mean anything -- it wasn't "worth it" in some way, because it wasn't hard enough.

There are so many questions that I have. There are so few answers that I can find. Either I don't have time to seek out answers (after all, I do have 55 more pages of reading to do tonight -- 64 for tomorrow -- and I've already read 79 tonight) or I can't find ones that are satisfactory because -- wait for it -- there are no definite answers. I should probably just accept that. There is safety in conformity, after all. Conformity is simple. But...I don't know if I want to argue for that much simplicity...

tell everybody I'm on my way...

Well. In t-minus 11 hours and 15 minutes, my BYU adventure begins. While I knew I would get there someday, I never actually thought it was going to happen. Yes, I know that doesn't make any sense. But it's the thought process of the past five years. It works.

I won't lie and say I'm not nervous about this new step in my life. There are things I'm going to have to give up to do this, and it is not going to be easy. There are things I don't know, and things I think I know that I'll probably find incorrect very shortly. But while I'm nervous, I know that it's going to be just fine. I'm going to be just fine! Stressed out, lacking social life, sure. That will be made up for though. In the end it will all be worth it.

Education is my journey. It always has been, it always will be. Learning is something I'm good at, and it's something I love to do. So why stop before I've really gotten started?

Heads up, BYU. I'm on my way.