little things that make me smile...

There are certain things in life that I cannot keep from smiling about. To some they may seem like silly things. To me, they mean the world.

Like...

...making friends with a brown squirrel on the walk across campus

...signing up for music lessons because I can

...seeing little Teddy run up to me when I get home and snuggle as close to me as he can (he does that to no one else)

...hearing birds singing in the morning sunshine

...watching a butterfly skim the grass on colorful wings

...feeling Adam run his fingers through my hair (I don't know why I love that so much)

...looking outside and seeing the little ones playing in the backyard or snuggling up close in their kennel

...sitting on the kitchen floor under the light of the stove drowning Oreos in milk (because that is the closest I will ever come to murder)

...snuggling down in warm covers, pillows, and teddy bears after a long day at school and work

...hugging daddy

...receiving kisses and cuddles from Misty and Molly when I visit my parents' house

...driving with the windows down and the music turned up

...walking through grocery stores for fun

...getting a soft kiss on the forehead

...eating a big bowl of freshly baked brownies with vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup on top with my special spoon

...being held close enough and long enough to hear heartbeats synchronizing

...talking to a long time friend and realizing how much you can learn about a person by listening, even after years of conversations

...drinking a cup of horchata in the spring, a glass of strawberry lemonade in the summer, a tumbler of herbal tea in the fall, a mug of        cinnamon hot chocolate in the winter

...laughing until your cheeks hurt and your sides ache from the giggles

...climbing a tree barefoot

...playing on the kids' jungle gym at the complex park even though you're a grown-up and your boyfriend barely fits on the swings

...gazing at the stars - or the clouds - or the clear blue sky

...opening a package, a parcel, a letter, addressed to you

...baking cookies late at night with someone you love

...cooking dinner for more than one person

...washing dishes in such a way that it becomes an all-out water war (but don't get it on the carpet)

...kissing good-night, soft and sweet and promising tomorrow

act in faith...

"Perhaps the greatest test of our faith and the most difficult part of prayer may be to recognize the answer that comes to us in a thought or a feeling, and then to accept or to act on the answer God chooses to give." -Rex D. Pinegar

I have learned a lot about the Lord in the last couple of days.

I've learned that even though I make mistakes and feel afraid to pray, I can go to the Lord and he will listen.
I've learned that the Lord will answer my prayers and alleviate heartache.
I've learned that a spirit of peace can fill my heart and mind, even when there are tears pouring down my face.
I've learned that the family I was placed in loves me very much, and that I am blessed to have them.
I've learned that the Lord answers the prayers of my parents on my behalf, and that they really are interested in me.
I've learned that the Lord lets me and others use their agency, and that he comforts those who are affected by the choices of others.
I've learned that forgiveness is more than a possibility for me, but a reality.

I've learned that following promptings and holding on to peace is very, very difficult. Because life is not easy, and the fears and doubts creep in easily. Because loneliness sets in, and uncertainty clouds the mind.

Because what you want and what God says is best for you may not be the same thing.

simplicity...

This girl loves roses. Always have, always will. 

lesson One...

Worry less about how your life looks to others and more about how your life feels to you.
There are a lot of trends I'm seeing lately that have started to concern me. I see people documenting their entire lives on the Internet through cell phones, web cams, blogs, Facebook, twitter. At first I thought, oh hey, that's cool! I want Instagram! Then I can show what I'm doing and be cool like everyone else.

But then I started to think more about this sort of thing, this instantaneous documentation and the ways I project myself to the world. I began noticing my motivations, and what I saw made me unhappy with myself.

The event that stemmed all of this thought seems a ridiculous catalyst. It all started with a hamburger. I was at my professor's home for an end of term class party. I'd spent the majority of the time playing with his son, Cade, and I finally got Cade to eat a cookie so that I could have my own dinner. As I stood in line behind my classmates and other students from my professor's classes, I noticed that each of them created similar hamburger ensembles:  bun, burger, cheese, lettuce, tomato, pickle, mustard, ketchup. They then got guacamole and chips, lots of watermelon and cantaloupe, and for the most part skipped the cookies and shortcake, choosing just to take the strawberries.

My heart sank as I saw each person follow this pattern. I don't really like lettuce, I generally avoid tomatoes, I think dill pickles are gross, mustard is evil, and guacamole just looks yucky to me. However, I felt that to NOT have all of these things was to be too different, and that people would criticize me in their minds for being unhealthy and picky. And so, I copied the pattern I saw and forced it all down.

Looking back, I recognize that those people probably weren't paying that much attention to what I put on my plate and what I didn't. In the moment, though, I was absolutely terrified that they would judge me and mentally call me names like fat and immature. But why was I worried about that? Because those are the names that I called myself. I called myself unhealthy, picky, fat, immature, and projected my own thoughts onto the people around me. I forced myself to eat what I thought people wanted me to eat. I was so worried about how others would perceive me that I forgot the most important thing: how did eating food I don't like make me feel?

As I thought about that experience, I realized that this happens with more than just food at a party. What I pin on Pinterest, the status updates on Facebook, my pictures that I take and post, the things I choose to talk about -- so much of this has been to make people believe I'm a certain way. I was trying to be what I thought they wanted me to be. But if the me I really am and the me I pretend to be don't match up, then does that mean that I am going to spend my whole life pretending?

My answer?

No.

I'm not saying that virtual documentation and distribution of life events/outfits/meals/things is a bad thing! Honestly, I kind of wish I had Instagram because then I could have something like a photo journal. I actually think that and other things are very good, but only if the motivation behind them is correct. I feel that if my motivation is to put on some face that I think others want to see, then my motivation is wrong. If I'm wearing a particular outfit to show that I'm in style, but I'm horribly uncomfortable, then WHY the heck am I wearing it? If I'm working out to "fit in" with society, but not because I want to be healthy, WHY? If I'm eating a certain way to assuage the fears of imagined rejection, but I hate what I'm eating, then WHY am I eating it? If I tell a close friend who I know I can trust that I'm doing great, but I'm actually falling apart at the moment, WHY?

Life isn't about the appearance, and in this case I mean more than the physical appearance. It includes the appearance of how you're living, and why you're living. If how you're living and why you're living are not comfortable or happy or the way you really want to live, then why are you doing it?

And so I say, to myself just as much to anyone else:

Worry less about how your life looks to others and more about how your life feels to you.

Because why be someone you're not truly happy being?

keep it simple, stupid...

I've been wondering about so many different things lately. I feel like the more schooling I get and the more knowledge I'm (supposedly) gaining, the less I know about the world. It seems to me that my perspective should be widening, but in fact I feel as though my thinking is growing more limited. I'm less receptive to knew things. I push against the complex and the abstract. Having no right answers makes me uncomfortable and anxious about the subjects I study. I should have expected that. I mean, duh. I'm a Humanities major. There are no right answers -- but there are at the same time. If you happen to figure that one out, please share your insights, because I'm really struggling with it.

I mean, how do you define something that is undefinable? The things we discuss in class...these ideologies seek to be formulated and defined, yet they also want to be limitless and free to change. Defining what these things are, like literature and politics and even history, is becoming a grueling, mind boggling task. And, if you can't define something, does it even exist?

All of these questions are controversial because, like everything else, they have no right or wrong answer. I guess I just feel tired and confused and frustrated by how much I don't know, and by how complicated things are made to be. To me, truth shouldn't be complicated. A truthful claim isn't enhanced by complications -- sometimes I feel as though I'm mentally wading through hot tar that is cooling so rapidly that it leaves my mind feeling scorched and stuck in the text or discussion wondering why does anyone care? and is this even important? I don't know what to do with any of it! Learning is no longer freeing, but a chore that must be done, like washing dishes. I hate washing dishes, but if I don't, there are consequences. The gravity of the consequences for dirty dishes have less of an impact on my future than those of not finishing college, I know that. However, both of those things are hard for me to do.

The necessity of education in the world today weighs on my mind too, but the heaviest element is the sheer difficulty and complexity of learning...complexity doesn't help me learn, and it certainly doesn't help me decide how I should use the information I'm trying to understand. If things were simplified, it'd be helpful. I'm not saying water things down or disregard ideas and concepts that pose a challenge for students, but the volume of material that isn't easily comprehensible could be limited a little. Or maybe I'm stupid and don't get stuff like others do.

Simplicity is a beautiful thing. I wonder if simplicity in academics and study is overlooked or under appreciated because simple is just that: simple. I wonder if education and the acquisition of knowledge are seen by society, scholars, teachers, students, whoever it may be, as needing to be complicated and difficult because otherwise the learning didn't mean anything -- it wasn't "worth it" in some way, because it wasn't hard enough.

There are so many questions that I have. There are so few answers that I can find. Either I don't have time to seek out answers (after all, I do have 55 more pages of reading to do tonight -- 64 for tomorrow -- and I've already read 79 tonight) or I can't find ones that are satisfactory because -- wait for it -- there are no definite answers. I should probably just accept that. There is safety in conformity, after all. Conformity is simple. But...I don't know if I want to argue for that much simplicity...